I’m No Expert, But…

When It comes to “dealing” with bisexual women, I have an advantage that a lot of other men/husbands don’t have:  I’m bisexual.  I have an added advantage – an almost insatiable curiosity about all things bisexual (but my curiosity isn’t limited to just this) and this eagerness to not only learn what it means to me but what it means to other bisexuals, too.  So when I ran across a woman who is bisexual, well, here’s a chance for me to learn about bisexuality from the “girl side” of things and, yeah, learn a lot more about women.

Uh-huh, I know, a daunting task and one that’s pretty much impossible to complete because women are just some really strange creatures; just when you think you have them figured out, you find out that you don’t… and you’re not even close to figuring them out.  But if you can just sit and listen to what a woman has to say about her sexuality and ask questions that are formed correctly, you’d be surprised what you’d find out about a bisexual woman… provided, of course, she is willing to share this very personal thing with you.

As a bi guy, I’ve learned that the bi ladies share a lot of the same things in our sexuality; we share some of the same fears and other problems being bisexual can throw at you so, yeah, when interacting with a bisexual woman, I’ve got a leg up on most guys because I know what it’s like to be bisexual – and now my mission, if I choose to accept it (and I usually do), is to find out what it’s like for her to be bisexual because I really do want to know.

I’m no expert in sexology or sociology or even psychology; my expertise is in computer systems engineering and technologies but what I’m kinda “expert” with – and out of necessity – is being bisexual from the male point of view and why it’s so important to understand your woman’s unique perspective.  We all “fear” being rejected because we’re not exactly straight in thought or deed; we “fear” being mislabeled – like being called gay or lesbian when neither thing is true.  Women, egad, bring a lot more angst to the table because they despise being objectified and being bisexual can paint an even bigger target on them thanks to all the stereotypes that paint them as being the ultimate woman to be with if you’re a guy.

Don’t get me wrong – I love bisexual women (even if they’re not my woman) and not merely because they can be some pretty fantastic people to hang with but because of what we have in common, that being we both like men and women in some way… and I know that you have to look at the bisexual woman for the person she and not get stupid about the fact that she can go both ways emotionally and/or physically.  Yes, it’s damned exciting and I’ll even admit – and at the risk of drawing the ire of the bisexual women reading this – that watching them being bisexual is the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen some stuff, believe me and, yes, that includes them being bisexual with their clothes on.  You wanna learn how to best deal with women?  Pay more attention to how the bisexual woman handles her business; you listen very carefully to whatever she says about her sexuality – I just can’t emphasize this enough.

Whenever I’ve been asked to “advise” a guy about his bisexual woman, sheesh, there is just so much that has to be conveyed and that’s barely scratching the surface so I tell them to listen and to be as objective as they can be and that if they’re not so objective, um, you’d better learn quickly if keeping this woman is important to you.  Yeah, you gotta do this when the woman you’re dealing with isn’t bisexual – but if she is, you gotta become an expert in your own right and more so if you’re not a bi guy to begin with.

I’ll use my “expertise” in this to caution guys about focusing on the sexual possibilities – and I’ve told bi women to do their best not to get upset with us about this because, um, we’re guys and our minds just live in the gutter by default.  To the woman who wants to tell her man what’s going on with her in this, I “counsel” them to be fearless about it; sure, she’s gonna worry about the negative backlash… but don’t automatically assume that this is going to happen… but know that it’s not going to be easy to tell him and get him to understand and accept this.  There’s a dirty “trick” that can be laid on the table and can come into play in the form of a question:  “What happened to you accepting me as I am?”  And I “counsel” guys that they’d better be willing to accept everything about her, both the things we perceive to be good about her as well as the things we perceive to be “bad” about her because  if you can’t or don’t, um, she’s not going to be your woman for much longer.

Listen.  Understand.  Accept.  Don’t presume or assume anything or otherwise let your own prejudices and biases come into play.  Ladies, don’t let your fears make you foolish or prevent you from being the whole person you need to be and/or know yourself to be if you’ve accepted your bisexuality… and if you haven’t, if you’re still “playing games”with yourself about being bisexual, stop doing that because you’re only hurting yourself by not being yourself.  I know we don’t want to lose a partner but the cold slap in the face is that nothing is forever and, honestly, if he can’t deal with your sexuality, then he’s probably not the guy you want to try to spend the rest of your life with, sorry to say.

And I can say these things because I know what it’s like to be bisexual, the thoughts, feelings, desires that makes one feel damned good about being bisexual as well as all the things that scare us.  And whatever “advice” I might give or any “expertise” I might display doesn’t mean a whole lot because, at the end of the day, it’s up to the bisexual woman and the man who is with her make any final determinations.  I know what “should” be done in this but whether any of it works , well, your results will damned sight vary.  It’s all about being on the real about it and not letting it keep being the elephant in the room; your bisexual woman has to be the woman she is and, really, not so much the woman you want her to be and, guys, instead of focusing on that, think more about the woman she can be to you if you can get your head around the fact that she’s not as straight as she’s “supposed” to be.

Do all of this and you can be an “expert,” too; if you don’t or can’t, well, I don’t know what to tell you other than to say I’m sorry that neither of you can see that if you cannot or will not adjust to things as required (or when it becomes necessary), you will ultimately fail on many levels – and that cannot be acceptable.

Period.  I’m out… and, yes, I invite everyone to chime in and give their two cents worth because that’s the only way we’re going to learn how to handle this bisexuality thing.  Silence isn’t golden; ignorance isn’t bliss; what you don’t know (or don’t say) just might hurt you.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

AMCONYC FASHION WEEK RECAP | Adriana Marie Co.

AMCONYC FASHION WEEK RECAP | Adriana Marie Co..

This was the last show my husband and I held tickets to…

The one I barely could walk and had to turn around to struggle my way home.

I’m so sick to my stomach we missed it….BUT

Here’s a brief recap and you can also google for yourselves to see the wonderful Fashion I was to be front row reporting for all my BiWife Fashion Lovers!

-Jay Dee, Founder

Okay, Here’s the Problem…

One day – and back when I was married to my ex – a friend of hers approached me and asked if she could talk to me about something personal and since I knew her, I agreed to listen to what she had to say.  It began with a question:  “Is it true you let D go out and sleep with other women if she wants to?”

“Yeah, it is, ” I replied.

“How can you do that?” she asked.

“Well, it’s not as easy as I’m about to say but I can do it because I have to; it’s either go along with what she wants to do in this or she winds up sneaking around behind my back,” I said after a moment to put my words in the right order.

“But ain’t that cheating on you?” she asked.

“Not if I know she’s doing whatever she’s doing,” I replied and wondering where this was going.  “We’ve got some rules about this and one of them is full disclosure – I know what’s she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, and what happened when she did it.”

“Fuck me, ” she muttered.  “I wish you were my husband…”

So I learned that this woman was bisexual but she was uncomfortable having to be on the DL or, if you prefer, cheating on her husband and she wanted to know how to speak to him about being able to get his permission to have girlfriends or otherwise handle her “girl business” (her words, not mine).  I knew her husband and enough to know that she might have a problem bringing up anything that looked like an open relationship – and I said as much to her.

“There’s got to be a way to do it,” she said – and I thought more to herself than a statement directed at me.

“There is,” I said anyway.  “But, damn, there’s just a lot of shit you’re gonna have to go through and if he gives his blessing, it ain’t gonna happen overnight!  First, uh, does he know…?”

“I haven’t told him,” she confessed.  “That’s probably the first thing I gotta do, huh?”

“Not only that but you’re gonna have to come clean about everything,” I said, shaking my head as I remembered being on the receiving end of this particular conversation.

“Including what I’ve been doing lately?” she asked.

“Everything,” I said firmly.  “That includes anything you’ve done before you two met and everything you’ve done after the fact.”

“Shit…” she cursed.  “He’s gonna be so pissed!”

“I don’t doubt it,” I said, agreeing with her assessment.  “It’s going to get fugly like you wouldn’t believe.”

“For real,” she agreed.  “So, um, if I bring this up to him, um, can I have him come talk to you?”

I had to seriously think about his for a moment because (1) I didn’t want to get caught up in a potential domestic problem and (2) I knew for a fact that what was working for me and my wife might not work for another couple… but I said, “Sure, send him my way if you need to and I’ll tell him what I know – whatever happens after that is on the two of you, okay?”

Two weeks later, her hubby tracked me down and, yeah, he wasn’t what I’d call happy and since I wasn’t in any mood to tussle with this man, I was really hoping he wasn’t pissed with me.

“So you know why I’m here, right?” he said right off the bat.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I said.  “You need to know if she’s trying to bullshit you about what she found out about me and D.”

“Yeah!  Is that the real deal?  D likes women and you let her go get some coochie when she wants to?” he asked.

“It’s the truth,” I said.

“But you’re married – she’s married!” he blurted out.

“Duh…” I said, smiling over what just came out of his mouth.

“But, how…?”

“Look, the simplest way I can explain this is that I realized that if my marriage was only going to be as good as we can make it, then some things had to change in order for our marriage to keep being good,” I said, struggling with how to simply explain a very complicated situation.

“But that shit ain’t right, man!” he said, shaking his head.

“According to who?” I countered.  “I know what the rules say… but the people who made up these rules aren’t responsible for her happiness or mine.  What, was I supposed to kick her ass or something?  Forbid her to do anything about it and even when I know – and better than those idiots who made up these rules – that if I say some shit like that, she’s gonna do it anyway?”

“Man, you’re crazy,” he said.

“Maybe… but her happiness is my responsibility and I vowed to do right by her no matter what,” I said.

“But that’s cheating!” he said.

“Not if I know about it,” I said, telling him the same thing I told his wife.

“And this shit is working for y’all?” he asked.

“So far,” I said.  “She gets to do her thing, I get to do mine… but, damn, man, it’s not just about us as individuals – we figured out that this was something we could and should do together, you know, as a part of our relationship – it’s not easy to explain.”

“Try,” was all he said.

And I tried to explain it and, hell no, even today, it’s not an easy thing to explain and more so since being monogamous is the thing we’re all supposed to do when we’re married.  By the time I had this conversation with him, I was fully aware of the fact that while being monogamous has many advantages, it has even more disadvantages so when something like this comes up, what you’re supposed to do is either kick it to the curb or end the relationship… and that just wasn’t going to work for two people who wanted to stay together as well as two people who literally told each other, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you…”

We talked for a little over three hours and I got a major headache trying to answer his questions, a difficult task since a lot of them were specific to his relationship.  To be honest, I was beginning to get angry, not because he was grilling me hard but because I couldn’t really answer his specific questions other than to say, “Look, the only way you’re gonna find out if this is gonna work for y’all is for the two of you to serious sit down and figure out for yourself how this can work!”

The end of this is that they did sit and hash it all out – I never found out the details – and I don’t know whether it worked for them or not.  This is a problem that married bisexuals wind up dealing with in some way or another and, in my experiences, when a couple opens things up in order for the bi wife to act on her feelings for other women, they usually fail; they just can’t learn how to purge themselves of the feelings of jealousy, being possessive, stuff like that, and they usually don’t approach this kind of thing logically – trying to do so emotionally is such a pain in the ass and, again in my experiences, never, ever, works.

You have to think deeply and see the big picture; you have to unlearn a lot of stuff dealing with love, sex, and relationships – and then learn a very new way of doing things and with the main focus of not letting your relationship go down the toilet.  It’s a lot to do – and I’m being nice and PC about it – and, more often than not, it’s too much for a lot of people to do, let alone process and, well, they fail… and the misery just keeps piling up because as we all know, there’s nothing worse than a woman who needs something and she can’t have it.  I know lots of women in this situation who will just elect to give up their bisexuality and what it means to them because it’s just too much work to effect change – and a change that most husbands just will not buy into.

This isn’t to say that some husbands can’t change – lots have and, obviously, myself included… but to say effecting this kind of change is easy is being delusional.  Still, it makes me ask a question:  Which is more important – abiding by the rules or your duty to make and keep her happy?  This isn’t an easy question to answer and I’m not even gonna get into why this is so hard except to say that we see the rules as immutable and unchangeable – and that’s just not true.  To me and other husbands of a bisexual woman, it’s an “easy” question to answer by asking ourselves a question:  What is your wife’s happiness worth to you?

It’s a problem with no simple solution…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

NYFW Feb 2015

With well over 38 tickets in hand I have yet to attend ONE single Fashion Show.

There are a few factors that have left this section a bit empty and for those who really love fashion as I do.

#1 I have an autoimmune disorder that is very, very painful in several weather conditions (Lupus). Cold, transitioning weather, snow or rain hurt the inside of my bones very badly. It’s hard for me to walk during those weather conditions which makes reporting events during winter months very hard. I try my best but we’ve had a brutal winter and it’s been almost impossible to get out to shows.

#2 I fractured my toe as you all know and trying to wear heels to shows in the snow, freezing temps, etc is near impossible as well. -_-

I’ve tried my hardest to get out to shows during Fashion Week this month but Feb was full of brutal, brutal snowstorms, freezing rain showers and subzero temps. I just couldn’t.

I’ve literally fully dressed and departed for events and have had to turn around. One time with my husband (who is a disabled veteran) struggling to support me home because I literally couldn’t walk from the pain in my legs (where most of my pain is). His shoulders and neck are extensively damaged from service duties. Carrying me wasn’t possible…

Spring can be kind of tough as well due to the fluctuation in temps and the moisture in the air but I’m praying March will be kinder to my city weather wise and I’ll get out and about more.

I’m suffering from not only pain but cabin fever as well!

I’ve watched runway shows online and will probably share them with you here in lieu of actual front row coverage.

In the meantime no fears. I have tickets, blogger front row seats, to some of the hottest shows to come to NYC in the coming months.

This section should be the most filled besides ‘All Posts’ given my extreme love for Fashion. -_-

I pray God is merciful and I don’t have to miss anymore shows.

-Jay Dee, Founder

It Can Be Problematic…

As a bi guy, I know why I might not want to get out there and look for another guy to play with; since I’ve talked to a lot of bi guys, I know a lot of the reasons why they don’t just as I know the reasons why they won’t.  What I’ve been trying to get my head around for a great many years is why bisexual women don’t or won’t go get theirs and more so when hubby has given his blessing for her to do so.  I dunno… to me, this should be a no-brainer, right?  Let me tell you a story…

As a husband to a bi wife, it’s not always easy getting your head around the fact that the woman you’re married to likes girls and pretty much in the same way she likes guys.  If you can get your head around this, the next thing you’d have to deal with is what, if anything, she would want to do, you know, go out and get herself a girlfriend she can play with or just be able to take advantage of an opportunity when it comes up.  Now, if you’re, ah, grown up enough and trust in the strength of your love and relationship, you’re not gonna be bothered or otherwise bent out of shape when she does her thing – you’ve already come to grips with all the risks that also includes the possibility of losing her to a woman and, if you’re smart and proactive, you’ve already sat down with her and gone over any rules that have to be in place so that the risks are minimized… but keeping in mind that stuff can happen when you least expect it.

So… if she has permission – which is better than begging forgiveness any day – why would the wife (a) not do her thing and then (b) whine and complain about not being able to hook up with a willing woman?  I know that trying to find someone to play with isn’t as easy as one might think; despite the many sources for playmates, it’s not a guarantee that someone would find you interesting enough to want to play with you and that’s because we all have some pretty exacting preferences when it comes to this.  But, if you don’t look, you’re not gonna find what you’re looking for!  Yes, yes:  You can get lucky and have a playmate just fall into your lap but that doesn’t happen very often so, yeah, to borrow a saying, “You can’t win if you don’t play!”

My now ex-wife drove me nuts with this for years and would often rant and rave about giving up any hope of finding someone who’d want to be with her and not in a “casual” way (like Poly Wife #1 was – this, too, is a very long story).  One day, she was ranting and raving about the lack of playmates and I always seemed to know when having sex with me wasn’t even close to her idea of fun and, yes, believe me when I tell you that it took me quite a bit of time to stop being pissed off about that.  With her, man, her frustration levels would affect everything and so bad that, this particular day, I kinda lost my cool and asked her, “What the hell do you expect me to do about this?  Find you somebody to play with?”

She stopped pacing, turned, looked at me, and then said, “Can you?”

Prior to this and in similar moments, I’d tell her – and I thought correctly so – that I couldn’t do this for her and that if this is what she wanted and needed to do, well, she has to do the work to get it and just like I’d have to do any such work if I needed a male playmate.  But she had gotten on my nerves so much at this point that I actually went looking for a playmate for her… and found one in a couple of hours.  I told this woman what the deal was – it took a lot to convince her that everything was legit and after a few hours of talking to her (and trying not to sound as if I was begging), she agreed to meet my wife for some girly fun.  We set a date and time and, when I told my wife the good news, she was plenty happy… and I was sure that I’d totally lost my ever-loving mind for doing this.  But, you see, when you tell your wife/woman that there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for her to ensure her happiness, finding her a playmate comes under that heading.

The “big day” comes and after I got the two of them talking to each other; I had hope to stay out of their “negotiations” but they dragged me into it; the woman I found was more than willing to do my wife but if she got a chance to do me, that would make it all better and my wife readily agreed to this and, well, I was dismayed… and I’m not really sure why I was but, okay, if that’s the deal y’all made…  I go pick up her new playmate and introduce her to my wife and, after a bit of small talk, they went to the bedroom to, um, really get to know each other while I sat downstairs to mind my own business even though they both told me, before going upstairs, that when they needed me, they’d call for me.

I’m no stranger to FMF threesomes because when you’re actively involved with three women, you’d better get used to it pretty damned quick… but I wasn’t feeling this one because this wasn’t about me or any need I had (not that I’d turn down sex from a woman, mind you) so I found myself actually wishing that they’d forget to send for me or that my involvement would get taken off the table because this was supposed to be my wife’s night of fun.  Everything was quiet and, yeah, I was wondering what was going on up there as I sat and read a book… then all holy hell broke out!  I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever heard such… vocalizations coming from two women but I was pretty sure they were up there killing each other!

Friends, they were up there for two hours and the noise they were making didn’t abate one bit!  At times, I found myself laughing aloud (I knew they couldn’t hear me) because, well, hearing their screams and curses was just funny.  Then it finally got quiet – it got too quiet, actually, and I waited for like ten minutes before I decided that it might be a good thing if I checked on them.  So I went upstairs and cautiously open the bedroom door and took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness… and found them both naked and cuddled-up with each other… sound asleep.  But I guess even in their sleep they could sense my presence because they both woke up, looked at me – then looked at each other – and both said, “It’s your turn, now…”

Since I promised Jay Dee that I’d keep my stuff clean, I won’t get into the very juicy details at this point; suffice it to say that, um, it was fun.  After the fun, we all got cleaned up, I took the wife’s new playmate home, and that was that… but not really.  I now get back to a particular problem dealing with bisexual women and women who are in a relationship with each other – that whole poly thing we had going on.

PW1 wasn’t happy that the wife had found a playmate who was willing to go to bed with her without any prodding.  Now, the wife and PW1 were very much in love with each other – make no mistake about that – but since she knew of the new playmate, she asked me, “Why does she need a girlfriend?”  I thought this was a weird question to ask since PW1 was “casual” about having sex with the wife as in if the three of us were in bed and kicking holes in the walls, she was fine interacting with the wife but wasn’t keen about going to bed with the wife when I wasn’t around – and to this very day, I’ve never figured out why and over the years we were together and whenever I’d ask PW1 about this, she’d just shrug or say that she didn’t know why.  Anyway…

I told PW1 for about the millionth time that if she knew the wife wanted to make love to her but she wasn’t inclined to do so one-on-one, um, if you’re not gonna do it, someone has to and more so since we both knew how… edgy the wife got when she wanted a woman but couldn’t make it happen; it just really screwed everything up for all of us.  In my mind, the solution was simple and more so when PW1 agreed with my assessment of the situation.  I knew that PW1 was possessive of the wife and didn’t like the idea of the wife getting more of what she needed elsewhere; PW1’s jealousy about this never failed to keep me thinking about things.  I told her, “Look, baby, if you don’t like the idea of her sleeping with other women – and I can understand why you wouldn’t – then to keep her out of someone else’s bed, handle the business; if you do it, then she wouldn’t need anyone else, right?”

And she said I was right, agreed that this was the best solution to the problem at hand… and still refused to sleep with the wife one-on-one.  She did give it a go for a while – and I thought it was to shut me up on the matter… but I couldn’t figure out what was going on here.  She’d let the wife take her to bed and she’d come back and tell me that, yeah, they had big time fun; she’d agree that by doing so, all the other problems went away… but she still had great resistance going forward and no explanation for it.

Ah, but when PW2 would show up, Jeez, there was more one-on-one girl sex going on than you could shake a stick at!  PW2 would grab PW1 and say, “Come on, woman…” and PW1 would beat PW2 up the stairs most of the time.  PW1 didn’t show any of the jealous signs when PW2 would grab the wife and tear her a new one… and I just couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on here, then or even now some eight years removed from the end of the whole relationship.

I dunno about other guys married to bi women and how they deal with such issues or even if they’ve experienced something like this.  I know I went through this for well over twenty-five years with the three of them and while I never really understood the dynamic going on between the three of them, I learned some very valuable stuff.  I guess I can consider myself lucky that my current wife, who is bisexual, hasn’t broached the subject of having a girlfriend to play with… yet.

Even if you’re dealing with just one bisexual woman and one who is out there doing her thing, man, even having the best conflict and problem resolution skills you can develop won’t always help you in dealing with her and the quirky way women can behave in this.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

A Crazy Love Story…

When I met my husband I had a girlfriend.

I was married before him, she came along in the last year of my last marriage.

My ex husband didn’t allow me to have a girlfriend, it was against our religion. He was very serious and staunch in the fact he’d divorce me if I slept with another woman. So I didn’t.

I didn’t sleep with her while married although I wanted to desperately…and boy did she tease me! She knew we couldn’t be together and she loved the idea of my suffering dreaming of her.

She had a boyfriend when we met and he was against us sleeping together as well.
Both of our mates knew we were sexually attracted to each other and they really didn’t want us to even speak to each other on the phone. Both of them worked a lot, her and I were both housewives basically.

I had a lot going on working on my own professional ventures. At the time I was doing volunteer work, college, parenting teens and caring for my grandfather in his end of life process. She was looking for work and caring for her then toddler daughter.

We both had friends but there was something about her that captured me, I being older she learned a lot from me, she was like the young wild and free version of me, we had a lot in common. They knew it would only be a a matter of time before we slept together if we kept talking and hanging out.

They both worked hard to keep us apart.

She made me think twice about my marriage and if I could really remain in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I felt so strongly for her. I realized I couldn’t just BE straight.

I was bisexual no matter how much I tried to stifle it and she was driving me crazy!

I expressed this to my ex husband and he reiterated divorce was the only way for him if I slept with her after we remarried and he’d never speak to me again if I did so before we remarried.

Both of our relationships were hell at that time. My ex husband and her boyfriend (who became her fiance during our friendship) were both physically abusive and this drew us even closer to each other. She’d call me crying, I’d call her crying. Both of our mates had lots of issues we had to deal with and it was tough on us. We turned to each other every time they weren’t looking. We had to in order to get through our situations.

We were both too embarrassed to tell our families and other friends what was going on in our relationships although some family and friends knew. All we really had was each other in a way.

I was big on empowerment and finding a way out of the cycle of abuse. We planned, we schemed, we dreamed of better lives for ourselves. We both hoped to hold on to each other’s friendship until the day we were both free and free to be with each other.

Eventually she found herself ‘single’ (even if it was only for a short time. You know, break up and make up) at the same time I was technically ‘single’ although my ex husband acted like we were still married during all of this. We weren’t. We’d divorced almost a year earlier and both still kinda sorta hadn’t let go.

My ex husband and I’s relationship was a complicated web of three marriages and divorces…to each other. During that first year of dealing with her we were divorced contemplating remarrying. I wasn’t married again yet but he still considered me his wife which was just not true. We were divorced and contemplating getting married again.

Here she was free of him, I wasn’t married again yet so we took our chances at loosing the men we loved who were no good for us anyway and we finally did it.

Technically both of us weren’t cheating. We weren’t married.

With her first kiss the earth shook. The world trembled in the short time we spent exploring each other’s bodies. We didn’t do as much as we both would have liked. We both felt kinda guilty and uncomfortable. We sure did enough though. 🙂

She and her boyfriend got back together within a few weeks.

The night we first touched each other she was actually doing my hair for my ex husband and I’s third and final wedding…which was only days away. That had something to do with us finally being with each other as well. My wedding date was coming and if we were going to do it we had to before the wedding.

By the time she got back with her boyfriend I’d gotten remarried.

She did not come to my wedding. She was pissed. As was I when she and her boyfriend got back together.

My funky ass ex husband and I lasted all of about a month before our final divorce.

It was an ill conceived plan we knew wouldn’t work, but we did it anyway hoping for a miracle. We had a wedding with all the bells and whistles, family and friends-again. While my wedding gown hung in the window of the cleaners on the corner, the same week of our wedding, he disappeared for 3 days and returned with scratches on his back and no explanation.

With a long history of infidelity behind him and all the abuse I’d suffered the decision went without a thought. It was over for good. I meant it. I walked away. Period.

She was single (again) by this time, and serious about it.

She asked me to be her wife, to commit to her, she’d commit to me, we could finally be together. I wanted to soo bad. We’d waited until the time was right to be together and it was finally here.

I told her no.

I told her I was not a lesbian. I was bisexual, I could not be a lesbian as she wished. She wanted NO men to be a part of our lives. Just the two of us till death do us part. I couldn’t give her that.

We continued on loving each other how we did, when we could and how we could given our new lives.

I met my current husband that August while her and I were still dating, before my divorce was final. We met online and he was everything I’d ever looked for in a man. Everything my ex husband was not. We became serious quickly.

During the time my current husband and I were falling in love she was still a major part of my life.

We were on the phone a lot, saw each other as often as we could. I told him on our first date I was bisexual and I had a girlfriend. He was cool with that and didn’t push the issue nor did he inquire about threesomes or any other nonsense most guys say.

 

I was okay with him becoming a part of my life as she was a part of my life. She understood.

Shortly after I got engaged she got back with her fiance and I was just too done.

He’d almost taken the life of the woman I loved. I couldn’t watch her go through it anymore. I’d gotten out and figured how to stay out. She had the tools to stay away but her heart wasn’t done yet.

I let her go kinda sorta and moved on.

She popped back in and out of my life a few times over the next couple months.

 

Eventually she said she couldn’t deal with me getting married to him, she loved me and wanted me to herself. I had to decide between her or him. 

I moved on with him and after my divorce was final he and I married. Needless to say she wasn’t there for that wedding either.

A few months after my wedding she popped back into my life to inform me she felt it was time to go ahead and get married to her boyfriend, she’d accepted his ring (she told me long ago she accepted his proposal), they were headed to city hall…and they were having a baby. She was all for it hoping he’d change.

I loved her. I was addicted to her.

 

She had friends and family. I prayed for her….and I let her go.

I lost the woman I loved. It was over.

She was far from perfect. There were other things about her that drove me insane but that was just her, and I loved all of her for some crazy reason.

She contacted me before her wedding. I didn’t respond to her. She emailed me she was having a boy months later. I didn’t respond to that either. She added me on FB, I blocked her after a short while of seeing her posts. I added her again in a moment of nostalgia only to see pictures of him, her and the new baby living in a rural suburb of the city we with his last name. A nice place where she was hours away from all her family and friends…

They married and had a son.

My new husband and I continued to move forward.

To this day I have not found a woman who can make me laugh as she did, who energizes me as she did, who I can relate to as I did with her, who was is as attractive and insatiable as I am. I just haven’t. She was the last woman I was in love with…and I still miss her.

I’ve had a long term girlfriend after her and that was a disaster. She wasn’t for me. We were not compatible outside the bedroom nor was she sexually compatible in many ways.

My husband and I were her first triad. We remained a triad for about 2 years before it ended ugly…

But that’s another story for another day.

-Jay Dee, Founder

Commonality

When we get into relationships, we consider a lot of information about  the other person, you know, evaluating, weighing, flipping that mental coin, and sometimes just throwing caution to the wind and letting the card fall as they may but once things get going, you start to look for more things you have in common with your partner and, indeed, a lot of couples go out of their way to develop more points of commonality.

Ah, but when you suspect, learn or otherwise know that your wife (or the woman you’re hooked up with) is bisexual, this opens up more points of commonality than before but, sadly, those men who have…, um, issues with their woman being bi just fail to see this and if on the odd chance they do see it, they then fail to see the plus side of the whole thing and choose to pay attention to only the negative.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?  Now, a guy doesn’t have to be bisexual himself to appreciate these new areas of commonality but, yeah, I’ve found that it’s a great help toward making your bond stronger because of something that I think gets overlooked:  She knows like I know.  Think about that for a moment…

How can your woman’s appreciation for women be a bad thing?  In my mind, it isn’t; ah, man, I’d have so much fun being out with my wife (and before we went poly) and we’d both be boy and girl watching and while I’ll admit that, in the beginning, that felt kinda weird, it was something we were doing together – think about that one for a moment, too.  When we’d talk sex, we’d often sit and compare notes on oral sex styles and techniques (and you just have no idea how much I learned about doing that to and for women); we’d talk about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of intercourse and while such discussions would often lead to us have some really amazing sex, the more important thing was that it had us talking and sharing stuff about this point of commonality.

Not only did it improve our ability to communicate with each other, it was a kind of intimacy that we could share with each other any place, any time; it would make for some really nice and light moments to hear her say, “Yeah, I’d do her…” about a woman we were both looking at.  Didn’t mean she was going to run off and do what she was thinking (but because we were open, ah, sometimes she would) or she’d ask me, “What about that guy over there?” and I’d take a moment to see who she was looking at and give my opinion of him.  And that has continued with my current wife, who is also bisexual; we both look at Roman Reigns (of WWE fame) and wow, that dude is a friggin’ hunk and we both readily admit that we wouldn’t say no to being with this damned good-looking guy.  This might sound like a problem… but it really isn’t because this thing we have in common allows us to share things with each other openly and freely and that just makes our bond with each other stronger.

Over the years, I learned that a lot of bisexual women and the men who are with them don’t pay attention to this thing they have in common; it makes women hide their sexuality from their partner and if he should find out at some point, it causes division and much drama instead of doing the thing it should be doing:  Bringing the two of them closer together and because they do have some more things in common with each other and some commonality that doesn’t exist in traditionally straight couples… and I’ll let you think about that one for a moment or two.

Being with a bisexual woman is mind-opening and educational like you wouldn’t believe; the smart man not only learns a great deal about the woman they’re with but they can learn a great deal about women and, trust me, there is a lot to learn.  Instead, some men see their bisexual woman as a threat to their masculinity and it puts a lot of fear and reluctance in a bisexual woman because she won’t share this special thing about her with her man because she either thinks or knows that he’s gonna react badly to it and, sadly, a lot of men do and in some very hurtful ways and I’m thinking that some of you bi ladies who might be reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about in this, don’t you?  It makes me wonder if those women who have come out to their man has ever thought to point out that which should be kinda obvious, that being, dude, we have more in common with each other than you can ever know… and that can only be a good thing!

And this point of commonality can be shared while still maintaining one’s monogamous state because if you don’t learn anything else about her sexuality, you learn that thinking and doing are not the same things; yeah, girlfriend has this thing for women and might even have some interesting fantasies running around in her head but if she’s committed herself to you, her thoughts are just that:  Her thinking about it.  Hell, I’ve even seen situations where the man has said to her, “Go ahead and do your thing, baby!” because he doesn’t feel threatened by her sexuality… and she will remain faithful to him just the same.

To the bisexual women out there as well as to the men who are with them, if you aren’t aware of this point of commonality, you are now and you should look at this as a very positive thing instead of a negative one.  If you are aware of it, then the two of you should be exploring this thing you have in common and use it to strengthen the bond you already have.  It doesn’t mean that some kind of open relationship is going to jump off nor does it mean that the dreaded fiend, infidelity, is going to pay you a visit but it does mean that the two of you can get to understand each other better as a couple and as individuals; this thing in common can cause growth in a relationship and this is something that I don’t think happens as much as it should.  In my opinion, overlooking this commonality and not using it in positive ways only lends itself to stagnation at the personal and relationship levels and that, my friends, is never a good thing.

So if you don’t know, now you know…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

BiWife Husband Tales

I ran into a married friend one day and when I asked him how married life was treating him, his face turned into a mask of anger and frustration when he replied, “Man, I think “C” is sleeping with one of her girlfriends!”

My first thought was, “Uh-oh…” because I knew this guy was not only homophobic but what I called an Old Testament kind of guy, you know, the type of man who, in order to establish his, ah, dominance over a woman, will start quoting the rules about what a wife is supposed to do.  Personally, I always felt sorry for his wife and, like others in that married circle, wondered just what the hell she saw in him.

I listened to him ranting and raving and when he got to the part of his rant where I was supposed to agree with him that (a) his old lady shouldn’t be cheating on him and (b) she had no damned business trading his dick for pussy, well, I’m pretty sure I lost some cool points with him when I said, “So?  You act like something like that ain’t supposed to happen…”

I know – and if you’ve read my other contributions you know how I know – that bisexual wives worry about a lot of the same things a bi guy does and more or less depending on where their head is about, in this case, sex… and I once again apologize to all the ladies reading this but, yeah, y’all have some pretty weird thoughts about this.

My friend asked me – and after he got over being pissed with me, “Man, shit, what would make her do some shit like that?  What, she don’t like my shit anymore?”

“Do you really wanna know?” I asked, steeling myself for another outburst.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” he said, his ire returning.

“Okay, so, why she would do that is, at least to me, kinda simple:  She needs something you can’t give her, man,” I said.  “Now, to be honest, I know some women will hook up like that if her man ain’t doing something she needs to have done, oh, like chowing down on her pussy until she passes out, for example.”

He scrunched up his face upon hearing that last part because I knew, thanks to the married couple grapevine, that he didn’t eat pussy and – get this – believed he didn’t have to.  It was interesting to see him put two and two together, his facial expressions going from total disbelief to whatever served for logic in his head to point out to him that, shit, that would be a good reason.

“What would you do if your wife did some shit like that?” he asked, going for a bit of misdirection as he tried to process what I’d said to him.

“Ask her if she had fun,” I replied with my face as placid as I could make it.

After he got over the shock of my answer, I asked him how he found out and he told me that she told him what was going on… and in some pretty interesting detail… and her girlfriend was on hand to confirm things.

I knew he was having a hard time dealing with this, let alone understand why another husband (me) could be okay with his wife “dissing” his sexual offers for those a woman could provide.

I remember telling him, “Man, if you could only see it, maybe you’d understand…”

“You’ve seen your old lady doing that shit?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said with a shrug.

“And it didn’t piss you off?” he asked.

“Nah, not really,” I said.  “I’ll tell you the truth:  It was the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Did you get to join in?”

“Nope – I was invited to just watch,” I said.

“And you were cool with that shit?”

“I had to be…”

“Huh?  What the fuck, man!”

“Look, none of that was about ME; I didn’t ask for an invitation but she wanted me to see what the deal was so that I could better understand what’s going on with her,” I said, trying to put into words something that wasn’t easy to do.

“What if she decides to leave you for some other chick?” he asked.

“If that’s what happens, it happens,” I said.

“Man, that’s some fucked up shit,” he muttered.

“Occupational hazard of being married,” I said, shrugging again.  “We like to think that no one can come along and sweep our wife off her feet… and we sure as hell don’t believe that another woman could do it.  The truth, I’ve learned, that it can happen at any time and for any reason… but if don’t want her to leave me for another woman, well, it just makes sense to me that if she can do her thing without having to worry about me dumping her, then that works out for both of us.”

I could tell this was going way over his head and I couldn’t think of a way to explain all of this to him in a way he could get a grip on.  But I asked him, “So, um, you know this but let me ask you something:  Is C happier?”

He blinked for a moment – I just love watching people think – then said, grudgingly, “Yeah… things have been pretty good here lately.”

“Okay, so what’s the problem?” I asked.

My question to him begged a question that I had to find an answer to as well: Which is more important, having a deliriously happy wife… or having to deal with the queen bitch of the universe because she needs to do something that will have a great impact on her life… but the rules says that she’s not supposed to?

As the husband of a bi wife, where does my duty lie?  For me it was “easy” to see the logic in place here and, yes, it was made easy due to my own bisexuality.  My duty is simple:  If she has needs that I can “provide,” I have to provide them and, bluntly, fuck the rules that say I’m not supposed to do that.

My wife and I wound up sitting down with the two of them and telling them in no uncertain terms how we were dealing with bisexuality in our relationship.  C was ecstatic to learn that she “wasn’t the only one” who had this need and praise me for, as she put it, “Being man enough to let your wife be who she needs to be.”

Several hours of very intense conversation later, my friend finally figured out that if you can’t beat them, join them.  We sat and watched them change the rules, hashing out agreements, setting conditions, stuff like that and as they did so, I knew that he finally knew what I had learned:  She can have her cake (or is it pie?) and eat it, too, and without losing the man in her life that she really and truly loves.

I will point out that, um, C and my wife had disappeared for a period of time to, um, talk about some stuff that wasn’t mean for a husband’s ears… and I didn’t believe that for one second because as we talked about this, I could tell the two of them were highly excited and eyeing each other in a way that, if you knew what you were seeing, easily revealed that they were now very hungry for each other.

My friend asked, “I wonder what they could be talking about?”

I looked at him, smiled, and said, “Oh, they’re talking alright… but they’re not using any words.”

“You mean they’re…?” he asked, his eyebrows threatening to crawl up into his hairline.

“Yeah, I’d say that was a safe bet,” I replied.  “And, no – don’t you even think about going up there unless you’re ready to have your head removed…”

Our wives returned and both were smiling like they had stolen something and got right back to the conversation as if nothing out of the way had taken place in the time they were alone and “talking.”

As we got ready to go home, he said to me, “Man, it’s gonna be hard squaring all this shit away…”

I asked, “Do you love her?”

“Damned right I do!”

“Then if you love her, you will figure it out and more so if you wanna keep her,” I said, giving him some dap.

And, yes, when we got home – and as part of the new rules that now governed our marriage, my wife told me about their, um, conversation and in some very juicy details that led to us having some pretty amazing sex…

-KDaddy23, Contributing Author

A Letter to My Bi Wife

My love:

I couldn’t find the words to just sit down and talk to you so I decided to write them and, yeah, I know, it’s been a very long time since I sat down and wrote anything to you.  Wow, when you told me that you’re bisexual, I admit that I was so totally floored by your announcement and that, yeah,, I wasn’t really paying attention to the other things you were telling me because I was so absorbed in my own feelings and, yeah, all late and wrong, I understood that my reaction might have hurt your feelings and for that, I am so very sorry.

After I had some time to think about it – and having to watch you walk away feeling disgusted with me made me really think about it – I had to make myself realize that what you shared with me wasn’t really about me – it was about how you feel and even why you feel the way you do… but I am also admitting that when you were telling me why, the only part I heard was what you were telling me what, as a man, I wasn’t able to do.

It was hard for me to put the hurt I felt aside and, yes, what you laid on me did hurt because I was under the impression that you were very happy with me and that I had been doing all of the right things that would keep you from becoming interested in someone else and while I’ve always had to live with the possibility that you could be interested in someone else, it just never crossed my mind that your interest would be toward another woman.  I was angry at first because I just knew that I would be all you would ever need and then came the pain as I understood how egotistical I am about this, like it’s really possible for me, as one person, to satisfy all of your needs.  Man, what a kick in the balls…

Even though what I’m writing to you really isn’t about me, yeah, I had to tell you these things just the same so I could tell you that because I love you, I know I have to set aside my personal feelings so that I can pay more attention to yours and that even though this feels damned weird to me, I have to step up and be the man who is willing to accept your sexuality because if I love you as much as I’ve been telling you – and I really do – I owe it to you to be accepting and understanding.

God, this is so hard for me to get my head around!  But I know that in order for me to understand what you told me, I have to hear what brought all of this about for you; I have to accept that I’m probably going to hear some things I would have preferred not to hear… but this isn’t about me; it’s about me trying to understand this thing about you and, importantly, what, if anything, I can do in order for you to be the best person you need to be and, equally important, not the person I think you should be.

I realize that if I try to “put my foot down” and forbid you to be bisexual, I just might be giving you a reason to act on your feelings and out of sheer defiance, something that will only cause a great many issues that I think neither of us really want to deal with – so I’m not gonna do that, okay?  I’m also not going to accuse you of cheating on me, nor am I gonna accuse you of wanting to cheat on me… but I need to keep my mind open and clear enough so that I can ask you what you might want to do about this.  Since I’ve had a couple of hours to think about this – and while I’m wondering where you are and what you’re doing and, yeah, even if you could be doing something with some woman right now, I realize that maybe you don’t want to do anything about your feelings in this because you are committed to our relationship and to me… but if you do want to do something about it, some changes have to be made and that includes some big-time changes I am going to have to undergo.

No, I’m not going to be stupid and bring up that threesome thing I’ve heard other guys talk about and more so since I think I know how you feel about such things – well, at least I know what I’ve heard you say about them.  I find that I have to prepare myself to not only understand but deal with whatever thoughts and feelings that you might have; I have to think more about what this means to our relationship and, yeah, I now see that I might have to put up or shut up because I did tell you, the day I told you that I love you, that I would do anything for you and that your happiness is my biggest priority.

Baby, right now, I don’t know what to do and barely know what to say about this and I hope that when you finish reading this, you’ll not only forgive me for acting like an asshole but you’ll find it in your heart to sit down with me and help me understand all of this.  I will never stop loving you and I sure as hell don’t want to wind up losing you when, really, it is within my power to provide you with an environment that will allow you to express yourself in this because, damn it, I’m beginning to understand that all this time, I’ve been creating an environment in which you’re not allowed to grow and be the person you need to be and, yes, I do feel like three kinds of a fool to be hit in the with this.

I’m sorry for the way I acted and I really do want to talk to you about this so that I can do my best to understand this and to confirm to you that I do have your best interest at heart and that, yeah, I can start to prove this by accepting that you are bisexual and because you need to be.  Change is so hard for me, baby, but I see now that I’m going to have to change because if I don’t, I’m going to lose your love and affection and, well, I don’t want that to happen so please forgive me and teach me what I need to know about this so I can do right by you and continue to to my best to keep the promise I made to provide for your needs.

Love,

Me

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author