Okay, Here’s the Problem…

One day – and back when I was married to my ex – a friend of hers approached me and asked if she could talk to me about something personal and since I knew her, I agreed to listen to what she had to say.  It began with a question:  “Is it true you let D go out and sleep with other women if she wants to?”

“Yeah, it is, ” I replied.

“How can you do that?” she asked.

“Well, it’s not as easy as I’m about to say but I can do it because I have to; it’s either go along with what she wants to do in this or she winds up sneaking around behind my back,” I said after a moment to put my words in the right order.

“But ain’t that cheating on you?” she asked.

“Not if I know she’s doing whatever she’s doing,” I replied and wondering where this was going.  “We’ve got some rules about this and one of them is full disclosure – I know what’s she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, and what happened when she did it.”

“Fuck me, ” she muttered.  “I wish you were my husband…”

So I learned that this woman was bisexual but she was uncomfortable having to be on the DL or, if you prefer, cheating on her husband and she wanted to know how to speak to him about being able to get his permission to have girlfriends or otherwise handle her “girl business” (her words, not mine).  I knew her husband and enough to know that she might have a problem bringing up anything that looked like an open relationship – and I said as much to her.

“There’s got to be a way to do it,” she said – and I thought more to herself than a statement directed at me.

“There is,” I said anyway.  “But, damn, there’s just a lot of shit you’re gonna have to go through and if he gives his blessing, it ain’t gonna happen overnight!  First, uh, does he know…?”

“I haven’t told him,” she confessed.  “That’s probably the first thing I gotta do, huh?”

“Not only that but you’re gonna have to come clean about everything,” I said, shaking my head as I remembered being on the receiving end of this particular conversation.

“Including what I’ve been doing lately?” she asked.

“Everything,” I said firmly.  “That includes anything you’ve done before you two met and everything you’ve done after the fact.”

“Shit…” she cursed.  “He’s gonna be so pissed!”

“I don’t doubt it,” I said, agreeing with her assessment.  “It’s going to get fugly like you wouldn’t believe.”

“For real,” she agreed.  “So, um, if I bring this up to him, um, can I have him come talk to you?”

I had to seriously think about his for a moment because (1) I didn’t want to get caught up in a potential domestic problem and (2) I knew for a fact that what was working for me and my wife might not work for another couple… but I said, “Sure, send him my way if you need to and I’ll tell him what I know – whatever happens after that is on the two of you, okay?”

Two weeks later, her hubby tracked me down and, yeah, he wasn’t what I’d call happy and since I wasn’t in any mood to tussle with this man, I was really hoping he wasn’t pissed with me.

“So you know why I’m here, right?” he said right off the bat.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I said.  “You need to know if she’s trying to bullshit you about what she found out about me and D.”

“Yeah!  Is that the real deal?  D likes women and you let her go get some coochie when she wants to?” he asked.

“It’s the truth,” I said.

“But you’re married – she’s married!” he blurted out.

“Duh…” I said, smiling over what just came out of his mouth.

“But, how…?”

“Look, the simplest way I can explain this is that I realized that if my marriage was only going to be as good as we can make it, then some things had to change in order for our marriage to keep being good,” I said, struggling with how to simply explain a very complicated situation.

“But that shit ain’t right, man!” he said, shaking his head.

“According to who?” I countered.  “I know what the rules say… but the people who made up these rules aren’t responsible for her happiness or mine.  What, was I supposed to kick her ass or something?  Forbid her to do anything about it and even when I know – and better than those idiots who made up these rules – that if I say some shit like that, she’s gonna do it anyway?”

“Man, you’re crazy,” he said.

“Maybe… but her happiness is my responsibility and I vowed to do right by her no matter what,” I said.

“But that’s cheating!” he said.

“Not if I know about it,” I said, telling him the same thing I told his wife.

“And this shit is working for y’all?” he asked.

“So far,” I said.  “She gets to do her thing, I get to do mine… but, damn, man, it’s not just about us as individuals – we figured out that this was something we could and should do together, you know, as a part of our relationship – it’s not easy to explain.”

“Try,” was all he said.

And I tried to explain it and, hell no, even today, it’s not an easy thing to explain and more so since being monogamous is the thing we’re all supposed to do when we’re married.  By the time I had this conversation with him, I was fully aware of the fact that while being monogamous has many advantages, it has even more disadvantages so when something like this comes up, what you’re supposed to do is either kick it to the curb or end the relationship… and that just wasn’t going to work for two people who wanted to stay together as well as two people who literally told each other, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you…”

We talked for a little over three hours and I got a major headache trying to answer his questions, a difficult task since a lot of them were specific to his relationship.  To be honest, I was beginning to get angry, not because he was grilling me hard but because I couldn’t really answer his specific questions other than to say, “Look, the only way you’re gonna find out if this is gonna work for y’all is for the two of you to serious sit down and figure out for yourself how this can work!”

The end of this is that they did sit and hash it all out – I never found out the details – and I don’t know whether it worked for them or not.  This is a problem that married bisexuals wind up dealing with in some way or another and, in my experiences, when a couple opens things up in order for the bi wife to act on her feelings for other women, they usually fail; they just can’t learn how to purge themselves of the feelings of jealousy, being possessive, stuff like that, and they usually don’t approach this kind of thing logically – trying to do so emotionally is such a pain in the ass and, again in my experiences, never, ever, works.

You have to think deeply and see the big picture; you have to unlearn a lot of stuff dealing with love, sex, and relationships – and then learn a very new way of doing things and with the main focus of not letting your relationship go down the toilet.  It’s a lot to do – and I’m being nice and PC about it – and, more often than not, it’s too much for a lot of people to do, let alone process and, well, they fail… and the misery just keeps piling up because as we all know, there’s nothing worse than a woman who needs something and she can’t have it.  I know lots of women in this situation who will just elect to give up their bisexuality and what it means to them because it’s just too much work to effect change – and a change that most husbands just will not buy into.

This isn’t to say that some husbands can’t change – lots have and, obviously, myself included… but to say effecting this kind of change is easy is being delusional.  Still, it makes me ask a question:  Which is more important – abiding by the rules or your duty to make and keep her happy?  This isn’t an easy question to answer and I’m not even gonna get into why this is so hard except to say that we see the rules as immutable and unchangeable – and that’s just not true.  To me and other husbands of a bisexual woman, it’s an “easy” question to answer by asking ourselves a question:  What is your wife’s happiness worth to you?

It’s a problem with no simple solution…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

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9 thoughts on “Okay, Here’s the Problem…

  1. Wow. KDaddy and Helen you guys are really getting down to the meat and bones of what this blog is all about. The challenges of bisexuality, self identity and marriage. This is awesomeness 🙂 I know this thread will bring others to really think deeper about their decisions.
    -Jay Dee

    1. I think it’s important to discuss that which is kept hidden. I know that I’m a “different” kind of husband, one who believes in the strength of the marriage and the power of our love, both which is more than enough to deal with my wife being the bisexual woman she wants and needs to be and in every way that matters because it will only make us stronger and her a better woman and wife for me.

      Win/win…

      But these women have fears as well as their desires; they believe they have no recourse, no options, and no choice other than to give up a part of themselves… and I’m the guy who thinks this is as wrong as it gets and the one bold enough to speak to those things we, as partners and spouses, want to believe don’t exist.

      I, too, thank Helen for chiming in because what she said is important to bi wives and their husbands even if it’s “info only” and I do encourage everyone to chime in publicly if they are willing to.

  2. Thanks for your reply kdaddy23. My husband did suggest I use a working girl, but that really does turn me off. I think from his point of view, that option would guarantee it would be just be about the sex and mean there is no relationship. His greatest fear I think, is that I leave him for a woman, even though I have assured him that’s not going to happen.

    1. I understand the fear all too well but I learned to overcome it because I knew my wife could leave at any time and for any reason that made sense to her so there was no sense in worrying about it. But most men will and trying to convince nice them that you’re not gonna leave is difficult but not impossible.

    2. I’m not into the working girl thing either, it’s a turn off for me because I love the romanticism of female intimacy. Key words romanticism and intimacy. Working is very impersonal and for that it won’t work for me. 😦 Sometimes I wish it could work for me. I go VERY LONG periods without the touch/feel of a woman and it drives me batty. -Jay Dee

  3. I am one of those woman. I have promised to remain faithful to my husband, as I have been for the last 20 years, even though I am bi-sexual. I came out to him about 6 months ago, after years of trying to hint about it, the only reason I came out, is I wanted to be able to feel whole and not just ignore this important part of myself. I thought he’d be able to handle the open relationship thing, but he had such a severe reaction to this news, ended up being sick and not being able to sleep etc, (he has the odd panic attack, and some anxiety issues), so I felt forced to make the promise above, for the sake of his health. I really did feel like perhaps I should never had said anything at all, because I put us through this very hard time, and got nothing out of it, well not want I was after, just a whole lot of heart ache, and stress.

    So what about that question from the other way around? What is my husbands happiness worth to me? He accepts me as a bi-sexual lady, but doesn’t want to grant me any lady time. How do we both ensure each others happiness if he wants one thing and I want another?

    I don’t see anything being worth throwing away a good relationship and family of 20 years. He is my family my life, and there’s no way I’d want to trying and start all over again at my age. Perhaps this is why a lot of ladies end up ignoring this part of themselves? Like you say it’s incredibly difficult.

    1. Hi, Helen, and thanks for your comment! Yeah, your husband’s reaction is one even I know about; when I first got hit with the open relationship thing, it was all I could do to not toss my cookies. And you’ve hit the nail on the head with your question about his happiness… and you see the problem as well. We – us married folks – always talk about compromise and sacrifice as being important to a healthy relationship and while I tend to agree with this, I got a chance to see how sacrificing one’s self doesn’t always solve anything. His happiness is important but, as you very accurately pointed out (or asked), this is why a lot of bi wives wind up ignoring this part of themselves: They don’t want to lose anything, don’t want to start over, and really don’t want to get him pissed off or develop other issues so they suppress this part of themselves and that’s not a good thing either.

      The biggest argument point in this is, “What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings?” and it’s beyond being a bitch and both people are right to ask these questions of each other but, usually, it accomplishes nothing except one person gets their way and the other winds up taking one for the team and this, too, brings it’s own interesting problems to the table. It’s easier not to do anything about this situation than it is to actually do something and while the open relationship is a huge leap of faith and divergence from “normal” relationship behavior, a lot of bi wives, at least in my opinion, would be happy if their man would just accept that they’re bisexual so that they don’t have to go through any more self-inflicted suppression and repression and if they never get to do anything, okay, that’s cool.

      My “solution” – and it’s a solution that a lot of couples have, out of necessity, have adopted or tried – is, in fact, one of the most difficult things to do and it seems you found this out as well. It can be done but, no, it shouldn’t always be done depending on more things than I can talk about at one sitting. When I write from my perspective of being married to a bisexual woman, I’m not saying, “Ladies, start a revolution!” – I’m telling you and the other women what I learned and, yes, what I wound up doing and my mindset about it then and now and all with the hopes of providing information that may help someone.. and it might not… but I’m the guy who doesn’t mind talking about the elephant in the room and, yes, it’s easier to ignore the elephant than it is to recognize that it’s there.

      You do what you gotta do, just like any other couple has to do in order to make their relationship the best it can be. I learned that sacrifice tends to happen more than compromise in such things – the stories I can tell about this make scary horror stories look like nursery rhymes by comparison. I’m one of those guys who is on the side of the bisexual wife (or partner); I’ve learned compersion – which is simply being happy because she’s happy; I learned to conquer my relationship-related fears and it is incredibly difficult… but I also say, in its simplest form, that opening up a relationship to accommodate someone’s sexuality just ain’t for the faint of heart.

      An open relationship is just one solution and the most difficult; the easiest solution is acceptance of her bisexuality: You’re married to a bisexual and, bluntly, like it or not, you have to deal with this bisexual woman even if she chooses not to act like one. It’s why I point out to guys who ask me about this that her sexuality isn’t about you even thought ya might think it is (and it very well could be, mind you) so acceptance is “the least” they can do. Doing something about it might not be possible – it’s just too hard for most people to do – but, at least from this husband’s perspective, acceptance is my duty, part of that vow I made to make and keep her as happy as humanly possible, even if I have to change the way I think about things.

    2. Helen, you are THE PERFECT example of a biwifelife living through biwifelife challenges. You are a woman of my own mind and heart. We think alike in valuing our marriages and our love of women. Your consideration of your husband’s feelings is what EVERY biwife should think about, not just their own lusts. Marriage is a sacred privilege and not everyone finds a mate to spend their lives with. We should be grateful someone loves us enough to intertwine their lives with our own. We should be as considerate and conscious of our spouses feelings as we are of our own when it comes to the decisions we make. I don’t know you but I love you for sharing your situation with us and such thought provoking comments. You rock as a biwife and I pray your marriage has many, many more years left of happiness and one day God willing the balance you need to feel whole.
      Please, come back, browse around, comment on other people’s thread. Get involved a bit. Maybe your comments can help point others to think through their situations vs. acting on impulsive desires. We need more thinkers like you here! 🙂
      -Jay Dee, Founder

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