One day – and back when I was married to my ex – a friend of hers approached me and asked if she could talk to me about something personal and since I knew her, I agreed to listen to what she had to say. It began with a question: “Is it true you let D go out and sleep with other women if she wants to?”
“Yeah, it is, ” I replied.
“How can you do that?” she asked.
“Well, it’s not as easy as I’m about to say but I can do it because I have to; it’s either go along with what she wants to do in this or she winds up sneaking around behind my back,” I said after a moment to put my words in the right order.
“But ain’t that cheating on you?” she asked.
“Not if I know she’s doing whatever she’s doing,” I replied and wondering where this was going. “We’ve got some rules about this and one of them is full disclosure – I know what’s she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, and what happened when she did it.”
“Fuck me, ” she muttered. “I wish you were my husband…”
So I learned that this woman was bisexual but she was uncomfortable having to be on the DL or, if you prefer, cheating on her husband and she wanted to know how to speak to him about being able to get his permission to have girlfriends or otherwise handle her “girl business” (her words, not mine). I knew her husband and enough to know that she might have a problem bringing up anything that looked like an open relationship – and I said as much to her.
“There’s got to be a way to do it,” she said – and I thought more to herself than a statement directed at me.
“There is,” I said anyway. “But, damn, there’s just a lot of shit you’re gonna have to go through and if he gives his blessing, it ain’t gonna happen overnight! First, uh, does he know…?”
“I haven’t told him,” she confessed. “That’s probably the first thing I gotta do, huh?”
“Not only that but you’re gonna have to come clean about everything,” I said, shaking my head as I remembered being on the receiving end of this particular conversation.
“Including what I’ve been doing lately?” she asked.
“Everything,” I said firmly. “That includes anything you’ve done before you two met and everything you’ve done after the fact.”
“Shit…” she cursed. “He’s gonna be so pissed!”
“I don’t doubt it,” I said, agreeing with her assessment. “It’s going to get fugly like you wouldn’t believe.”
“For real,” she agreed. “So, um, if I bring this up to him, um, can I have him come talk to you?”
I had to seriously think about his for a moment because (1) I didn’t want to get caught up in a potential domestic problem and (2) I knew for a fact that what was working for me and my wife might not work for another couple… but I said, “Sure, send him my way if you need to and I’ll tell him what I know – whatever happens after that is on the two of you, okay?”
Two weeks later, her hubby tracked me down and, yeah, he wasn’t what I’d call happy and since I wasn’t in any mood to tussle with this man, I was really hoping he wasn’t pissed with me.
“So you know why I’m here, right?” he said right off the bat.
“Yeah, pretty much,” I said. “You need to know if she’s trying to bullshit you about what she found out about me and D.”
“Yeah! Is that the real deal? D likes women and you let her go get some coochie when she wants to?” he asked.
“It’s the truth,” I said.
“But you’re married – she’s married!” he blurted out.
“Duh…” I said, smiling over what just came out of his mouth.
“Look, the simplest way I can explain this is that I realized that if my marriage was only going to be as good as we can make it, then some things had to change in order for our marriage to keep being good,” I said, struggling with how to simply explain a very complicated situation.
“But that shit ain’t right, man!” he said, shaking his head.
“According to who?” I countered. “I know what the rules say… but the people who made up these rules aren’t responsible for her happiness or mine. What, was I supposed to kick her ass or something? Forbid her to do anything about it and even when I know – and better than those idiots who made up these rules – that if I say some shit like that, she’s gonna do it anyway?”
“Man, you’re crazy,” he said.
“Maybe… but her happiness is my responsibility and I vowed to do right by her no matter what,” I said.
“But that’s cheating!” he said.
“Not if I know about it,” I said, telling him the same thing I told his wife.
“And this shit is working for y’all?” he asked.
“So far,” I said. “She gets to do her thing, I get to do mine… but, damn, man, it’s not just about us as individuals – we figured out that this was something we could and should do together, you know, as a part of our relationship – it’s not easy to explain.”
“Try,” was all he said.
And I tried to explain it and, hell no, even today, it’s not an easy thing to explain and more so since being monogamous is the thing we’re all supposed to do when we’re married. By the time I had this conversation with him, I was fully aware of the fact that while being monogamous has many advantages, it has even more disadvantages so when something like this comes up, what you’re supposed to do is either kick it to the curb or end the relationship… and that just wasn’t going to work for two people who wanted to stay together as well as two people who literally told each other, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you…”
We talked for a little over three hours and I got a major headache trying to answer his questions, a difficult task since a lot of them were specific to his relationship. To be honest, I was beginning to get angry, not because he was grilling me hard but because I couldn’t really answer his specific questions other than to say, “Look, the only way you’re gonna find out if this is gonna work for y’all is for the two of you to serious sit down and figure out for yourself how this can work!”
The end of this is that they did sit and hash it all out – I never found out the details – and I don’t know whether it worked for them or not. This is a problem that married bisexuals wind up dealing with in some way or another and, in my experiences, when a couple opens things up in order for the bi wife to act on her feelings for other women, they usually fail; they just can’t learn how to purge themselves of the feelings of jealousy, being possessive, stuff like that, and they usually don’t approach this kind of thing logically – trying to do so emotionally is such a pain in the ass and, again in my experiences, never, ever, works.
You have to think deeply and see the big picture; you have to unlearn a lot of stuff dealing with love, sex, and relationships – and then learn a very new way of doing things and with the main focus of not letting your relationship go down the toilet. It’s a lot to do – and I’m being nice and PC about it – and, more often than not, it’s too much for a lot of people to do, let alone process and, well, they fail… and the misery just keeps piling up because as we all know, there’s nothing worse than a woman who needs something and she can’t have it. I know lots of women in this situation who will just elect to give up their bisexuality and what it means to them because it’s just too much work to effect change – and a change that most husbands just will not buy into.
This isn’t to say that some husbands can’t change – lots have and, obviously, myself included… but to say effecting this kind of change is easy is being delusional. Still, it makes me ask a question: Which is more important – abiding by the rules or your duty to make and keep her happy? This isn’t an easy question to answer and I’m not even gonna get into why this is so hard except to say that we see the rules as immutable and unchangeable – and that’s just not true. To me and other husbands of a bisexual woman, it’s an “easy” question to answer by asking ourselves a question: What is your wife’s happiness worth to you?
It’s a problem with no simple solution…
KDaddy23, Contributing Author