The importance of the Bi+ community

Hey everyone,

It’s been roughly one year since I’ve posted.  I have enjoyed reading your posts and have collectively seen many of us are seeking a sense of belonging as it relates to our Bi identities.

Right now is a trying time for many of us as we watch LGBT and racial rights be legally challenged by the conservative right.  Witnessing people take a stand against dehumanization is empowering.  What’s also empowering is connecting with the Bi+ community.

I just wanted to point you all to a good book written by Jennifer Baumgardner entitled “Look Both Ways.”  Also, this may have been posted here before but check out or to locate Bi+ groups in your area.  Also, check out any of the following Bi+ organizations for details on annual conferences and events that are definitely worth traveling to if you can manage it.

  • BECAUSE CONFERENCE (Bisexual Organizing Project)
  • Bay Area Bisexual Network
  • Bialogue
  • BiNet USA
  • Bisexual Resource Center
  • New York Area Bisexual Network
  • Polysexual Alliance for Visibility, Educaiton and Support
  • Transcending Boundaries

As we enter this beautiful spring season, hopefully, you can take the time to appreciate all that spring has to offer: the quiet rain, colorful flowers, longer sunny days, being outdoors, fresh-cut grass, birds chirping, people watching, etc.  There is no better time than now to delve into our senses…from smelling to hearing to touching…it’s as though people are eager to start the new season off with zest after the long drawn out winter.  Just know that you are not alone in this and you can always reach out to us.

Thanks for being here virtually!


Mercedes Jet



What BiWifeLife!? Heteronormalcy Takes Over -_-

Bad blogger, bad blogger! There, I’ve chastised myself for you. :/ I’ve thought of you very frequently. I’ve tried to get to you night after night. No matter how much you’re on my mind, I just haven’t been able get to you.

I’ve had so much to tell you! So many thoughts to share…Life just hasn’t given me room. Life hasn’t given me room for myself! My husband and I barely even have time for intimacy let alone our BiLives! When we do find ourselves approaching intimacy it’s urgent, intense and infrequent :/ We have found our own ways of supplementing our bi desires without others. Essentially we’ve become unwittingly heterosexual & monogamous.

In recent years my career has taken off in ways I could never conceive. I work in Research & Social Justice. Just this past week I was on national radio, a month ago I established a consulting business at the urging of my colleagues and I am being urged to publish a book before Fall.

I’ve been encouraged to take my work to the state level by all I’ve encountered in my professional trajectory and I am really considering running for local office.

That’s a huge change from my days of sitting at home blogging after dinner or after everyone was in bed 5 years ago!

I’ve returned to school which is beyond demanding as a Crime Intelligence Analysis major. After dinner I’m buried baby bed time madness then legalese until the wee hours of the morning.

When I started this blog I was a mom and wife with nowhere to connect with other bisexual wives. I was not working full time, I did not have babies, I was not in school full time.

I had no idea where to meet other bi wives.

I’ve since learned there were other communities when I started BiWifeLife. Back then I was unaware. I started this space not really expecting any response.

I had no idea people would actually come to the site. I had no idea people would actually begin to communicate with each other below posts in the comments, even though I wanted them to and encouraged connecting with others.

When stats started to skyrocket, I decided to launch a program on the ground at our local LGBT Center. I had dreams of a BiWives Clubs, pretty pink satin jackets with embroidery included. 🙂

Only one person who reads this blog has shown up to a BiSocial Gathering.


Attendees of the monthly gathering saw our FB event or a flyer at the LGBT Center. Through the Center, my professional work began to mesh with my BiWife blogging. I told other Organizers and Advocates about the site. It was welcomed open arms into the LGBT Community in NYC.

From there, I searched and posted in countless places seeking volunteers to keep the site running. I saw my career & family trajectory and knew this was growing way too quick for one person to maintain.

No matter how much I posted, I didn’t get any responses for volunteers in any area. After months, finally two BiWifeLife readers decided they would like to help keep it running. At that juncture, I just couldn’t do it alone and the site was at risk of going under.

With new Contributing Authors and Moderators, the blog was able to keep running! Super Huge thanks to @meredithlee11 @mercedesjet @pinupgirlbeauty. Again, I had no real idea of what I was doing, this community just began to unfold before my eyes…and I loved it! I wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted people to support each other through the difficult life trials of living as a bisexual human in long term relationships or marriages.

I began to think about diversity in this space. There were MANY types of humans of varying genders and relationship structures who are bisexual, and married or involved in long term relationships.

We changed the name to LivingBi/BiWifeLife, opened up for more volunteers.

Nada. No responses.

Eventually a BiHusband with his own blog decided to step up and support the male identified readers. Super Huge thanks to you KDaddy 🙂

Over time life took it’s hold on Our Contributing Authors. One of our contributing authors left after about a year, another kind of drifted away, KDaddy is still hanging in there with me but he has his own blog, and life.

As my family and career grew, the less I was able to post original articles and respond to readers. Countless nights I wanted to let my fingers fly across the keyboard and share thoughts, discuss issues with you all.

I left the space open for you all to connect with each other in my absence. Myself and others have been approving comments to allow for continued growth of the space.


Here we are now. My husband and I live in Suburbia USA. We are the epitome of hetero-normalcy. With the passage of SESTA/FOSTA changing the internet as we know it, my husband and I are confused as to how we will meet others like ourselves as many of the sites we frequented are disappearing.

Being a heteronormal appearing both bisexual couple makes it VERY difficult to meet others with similar interests. Where we could once go online to meet others, that is quickly changing.

Oh there’s so much to talk about!

I’m out of school in 3 weeks for the summer and plan to return to blogging while working on my book (s). There are way too many topics I’d love to hear from you all on.

To Our loyal readers & commenters, we thank you for your continued support.

If you would like to volunteer as a Contributing Author or any other role to keep the community engaged, please send an email to

Tell me, has the recent change in internet dating accessibly impacted your BiLife at all?

Don’t forget to BROWSE, COMMENT, CONNECT with other readers! We’re always here in the background approving comments, trying to keep the community alive.

Wishing your relationships and inner beings peace, love and longevity!

-Jay Dee, Founder


Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That  says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.


I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved 🙂

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s  no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder






It’s Been a Long Time…

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a really long time. 😦

I’ve had to take time away to focus on career and family.

So much happened at once we just couldn’t believe it!

Career opportunities came at me left and right AND 4 of my daughters were pregnant at the same time!!!

There’s been a whirlwind of engagements, breakups, births & career climbing opportunities. I even returned to college 🙂

A lot’s been going on but the dust is settling a bit…just about.

A few nights ago my husband and I had a very honest conversation about our sexual needs & identities again, for the gazillionth time.

We’re a family of all queer folks, as usual we’re super hyped, it’s Pride month!

As I write, one of our our daughters just turned 8 months pregnant, she’s 24 and has a 15 month old. They live at home with us.

I’m in summer classes from hell…and we’re avidly working on buying a home out of state by this coming Fall *fingers crossed* ❤

We are at capacity with life and there’s no leisure time, no getaway time, barely any privacy and little time to sleep.

As a result of everything going on, my BiWifeLife and hubby’s BiHusbandLife has been way blah… 😦

Hubby and I haven’t had a bi encounter in months and we’re both at a point where NSA encounters just aren’t ‘it’ for us anymore, where they once fit our needs just right.

Over the past couple years, we’ve had no time for relationships, no time for building relationships.

Although we’re at capacity with life, at this juncture we’d love to have friends we could spend time with and get away from home/work/school & kids sometimes.

Our ideal situation would be a couple like ourselves, a both bi couple. A situation where the husbands, and the wives can bond over time 😉

Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near that simple.

“At times it’s very uncomfortable for us because we’re not viewed in the light we view ourselves-married but looking, for the same gender.” 

We’re both bisexual and feel very comfortable in Queer spaces.

Problem is, we show up with this level of hetero-normalcy that makes our Queer brothers and sisters question why we’re in a Queer space.

We are a man and a woman, obviously in love and married.

We’ve discussed wearing Bi Pride gear such as tee’s, rings, necklaces or bracelets. He’s just not the kind of guy to wear Bi gear no matter how I try to convince him…so far 😉

Today we discussed maybe going out separately for the first time ever. We both have no problem attracting either gender.

The problem with going out separately is, we’re madly in love. 

We love spending as much time together as possible. We have fun with each other. We don’t want to go out alone, as if we are single people. :/

In our experience men don’t tend to want men who are married unless it’s a DL/secret thing. Women don’t want a woman that has a husband-unless he has nothing to do with the relationship.

We don’t want to have relationships OUTSIDE of our marriage. We want relationships that are a PART of our marriage, with another male, and female. Preferably an interchangeable Quad. 

It would be nice to be with someone I feel comfortable kissing, him to find someone he can try new things with.

We’re both very health conscious and we both don’t want to be inhibited by protective measures, unknown variables and potential concerns.

Of course we want to be our freest selves with our partners, as we are with each other. We’re a bit unique in we both enjoy sharing our spouse with the same sex.

Our days and nights are frequently spent talking about, looking for and trying to figure out how we can find the partners we so strongly crave.

We have yet to come across a bi couple with a bi husband and bi wife who are both looking for same sex partners.

That’s our BiWife/BiHusband struggle at this point :/ Any suggestions?

-Jay Dee, Founder


It’s Been a While, Hasn’t It?

Let’s see… what have I been up to since I was last here, wow, almost a year ago?  Well, I had to have another repair done to the implant I had installed to fix an abdominal aortic aneurysm and the repair went well since I’m writing this.

As a member of a forum for bisexual men, I’ve been busy helping newbies get their head around bisexuality, dispelling myths, stuff like that, and I find it rather rewarding even though I can’t help but feel some sorrow for these men, many of which have yet to have their first experience with a guy.  Many of the guys are in a relationship with a woman who makes it nigh impossible for them to indulge themselves in their desires and fantasies.  They don’t want to cheat on their partner… but many think about it as the only solution available and I’m the guy who tells them that, um, if you think you can, it might be better to ask permission – who knows, you just might get it.

Still, interacting with these guys is interesting and serves to remind me that there was a time when I was a straight-up rookie in this; they have fears and concerns and a million questions about something that I take for granted so these budding bisexuals keep me grounded in reality.

The guy I’ve been mentoring, whew, he’s been busy exploring this side of the sexuality fence and he’s learning some hard lessons that he’s been having a few issues with, from dealing with how deceptive and shady some guys can be to having to deal with the guys he’s been having sex with developing deeper feelings for him than just lust – this has been giving him quite a few headaches because they are demanding exclusivity from him and giving him much grief because, by his own admission, he’s not even close to being ready to consider “settling” down with a man.

I “lecture” him about time management because he tends to let the men he’s involved with run his life, vying to dominate his free time and when he literally and barely has time to go to the bathroom due to increased workload on his job, man, do they get upset when they want to just drop in on him and he has to tell them, “No, not tonight…”  Now, I did warn him that this was gonna happen, that the pressure that’ll be put upon him to be monogamous and exclusive with a guy was going to be daunting; I’m not gonna say he didn’t believe me but I also knew he wasn’t going to take the easy route and follow the advice I gave him to minimize the impact he now feels himself dealing with.

Yeah, sometimes, you just gotta find out the hard way, dontcha?  He kinda reminds me of dealing with my children when they were growing up:  I’d tell them something for their own good and because I can easily see the mess they’re about to walk into; they’d say, “Yeah, Dad, I know, I know…” – and then fall into a mess that I either have to get them out of… or I’ll leave them in it so they can figure out how to get out of it themselves.

Mentoring is important and while some folks can become successful bisexuals without it, being bisexual is so horribly complicated that if you find you need a mentor, do whatever you gotta do to find one who’s gonna tell you the real deal about being bisexual and not just pat you on the behind and give you a false sense of security in this.  Bisexuality isn’t just a change in your sexual and emotional habits:  It’s life-altering stuff and there is much one needs to learn so that those alterations don’t become major problems.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Some great Bi+ resources

Hey all,

I want to apologize for being less visible for the past year.

I’ve been reading many posts on this site and just want to say that although we are not always responding to each post, we are here to support you.

I just want to say that you are all incredibly courageous for reaching out for support.  Know you are not alone and we are always here if you need anything. Coming here was a great first start.

I’d like to point all of you to some resources that I think can be amazingly helpful on your journey.

Check out and which are amazing websites (that also contain books covering the different aspects of bi-identification, trans-identification and mixed orientation marriage.

Also, note that as far as giving advice—there is no one way to live your life.  It all comes down to how you (and if applicable your partner(s) (children)) decide to navigate each step of this.  It can be done though.  Sacrifice is inevitably a part of any decision we make because nothing in life is perfect when it involves other people.

Please take all of the time you need.  There is no rush on this.  Sometimes we have to live our decisions before figuring out what we want.  And sometimes after we’ve made the change, we realize, it may not be exactly what we thought.

Right now, you can take the time to just be with yourself whenever possible.  Perhaps you spend it journaling (typing away on your phone or computer) or having conversations with yourself as you take a walk on your lunch hour.  Perhaps you try some online therapy (yes they do that now) to get the immediate support you need in that moment.  Perhaps you spend some time working out, praying, meditating, doing yoga, playing basketball, reading a bi positive book on your kindle.

Whatever you can do for you to nurture you during this uneasy time, please do it.  You are the most important part of this equation called life.

Rushing to get a deep seated urge met will certainly have its short term advantages but in the long term it could prove to be very complicated and lead to distrust and the breakdown of other important life relationships (be it your partner or children).  On the flip side, if you are dating right now, try to check in with yourself (and if applicable your partner and/or children) to see if things are going good at the homestead.  This journey is just as much yours as it is those important to you should you be navigating it together.

I suggest googling Tara Brach and Pema Chodron for some great meditations on life and learning to be present with the now and to live within uncertainty.

I also suggest checking out a book by Mark Bentley Cohen on how he and his partner navigated polyamory.

Also check out for some great podcasts.



In honor of Bi Pride Day (September 23rd) if you will be in the New York City area on Sunday, September 25th, at 1pm, please stop on by to celebrate Bi Pride!  This is a social event to just chat and get to know other bi folks for a few hours.  The New York Area Bisexual Network is sponsoring a picnic at Sheep Meadow in Central Park.  This section of Central Park is located at the West 66th Street entrance behind Tavern On The Green.  Please bring your own food/drink for yourself and a blanket or chair to sit on.  Also, you can access this map for assistance in getting there.

If you are interested in going and would like to get in touch with someone who will be at the event, you can do so by emailing

I’ve Returned!

It’s been quite a while (again) since I’ve written here and for that, I offer my deepest apologies… but I’ve been busy mentoring a guy on the West Coast in the ways of male bisexuality.  There are a lot of men – and even women – who want to explore bisexuality, don’t really know what to do, how and when to do it, and some just go ahead and jump into the deep and murky waters of bisexuality without understanding what lies beneath the surface.

Once they’ve accepted that, yeah, I’m bisexual, the next thing they should do is find someone who can show them the “proper” way to dive in and not wind up landing on a rock.  Admittedly, a lot of folks are looking for that person they can have their first sexual experience with but without someone with experience to guide them toward this epic moment, the results can be iffy because being bisexual and having the sex is only one part of the equation – that part is easily done but what isn’t so easy is understanding how your life will change.

So, the guy I’m mentoring for, wow, over a year now, had always felt the pull of bisexuality but dismissed it to focus on women, just like any other red and hot-blooded male.  The pull got stronger in his college days and he told me about the many chances he had to take the plunge with his hot Latino roommate… but never did.  He was now aware of his desires and, as expected, struggled with them.

According to him, five years ago, he had his first sexual experience with a man – received oral sex from him after a long session of petting; two years later, he had his second experience and one that was more involved and included a somewhat failed attempt at anal sex.  Sometime after that, he found my blog and reached out to me about dealing with this, asked for my help, and I agreed to take him to school and teach him that being bisexual is much more than putting A into B and/or C; there is a history and a mindset that also must be understood.

He’s the first guy I’ve mentored in a long time and he’s proven to be an excellent and willing student; he’s smart, intuitive, and can be introspective so he can examine his thoughts and feelings so he can better understand how bisexuality has changed his life and his whole outlook on many things that have nothing to do with getting naked with someone.  I’ve put him through a lot of tough challenges, have given him “homework” assignments that challenges his perceptions and ideology and have tasked him to look beyond what he thinks he knows and find where the reality lives.

He’s responded well, although I have had to give him detention at times and I’ve chastised him on occasion for losing perspective of the big picture.  I know about every moment he’s had sex with a guy – he’s required to tell me what he was thinking and feeling and, um, wow, he’s been busy as he’s currently “involved” with several men who are showing him many aspects of male sexuality that keeps him in his toes, centered, and firmly grounded.

One important thing he had to learn was about the “top, bottom, versatile” labels both gay and bisexual men like to use:  While he calls himself a top, in my school of bisexuality, to be a good top, you should know what it’s like to be one of the other two things.  It’s a valuable lesson in understanding what is like to be on the other side of a sexual situation with a man and, equally important, to understand what men often put women through sexually.

Yep:  He’s been screwed and, I can’t help it but it’s been funny as hell.  He talks to me about what we call “that bitch feeling,” a particular feeling some men experience when having sex with another man (and not meant to insult any women) and he’s been learning that while you cannot make it go away, you can learn to embrace it so that the sex taking place can be enjoyed to the fullest extent possible.  It hasn’t been easy for him but as I told him, he needs to know what it feels like to submit to a man’s lust and not to be hypocritical about it, like, if it’s okay for him to pound a guy’s butt and, uh, inseminate him, then it should be just as okay to experience the same thing:  If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

He’s my best “student” ever; he’s bold, less fearful and, very important, is aware of the consequences of his actions; he’s more safety conscious (not that he wasn’t before) and given the diversity of the men he’s involved with and is attracted to, he’s learning the most important lesson any bisexual needs to learn:  That being bisexual isn’t just about the sex.

Being bisexual changes the way you look at life, reveals the flaws in the dogma that our morality is based upon and shows how diverse people can be when it comes to life, living, and loving.  He said to me, via one of the many texts I get from him on any given day, that he doesn’t know how all of this would have turned out for him had I not agreed to mentor him and feels that he’s a better bisexual man now than he was before.

It’s high praise but I’m just happy to have been able to make a difference in his life and that being bisexual doesn’t diminish him.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author


I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying ‘Pride is a sin’.

Over the years Gay Pride has become a hugely celebrated holiday in the US.

For those of us who are in hetero appearing relationships this time of year can be ultimately conflicting.

Especially for those of Us who are not ‘out’ to family and friends.

It’s a time when the country is talking about the Gay community a bit more than usual.

For those of us with Bi Invisibility those conversations can be VERY uncomfortable.

I cannot count how many times my husband and I have been around conversations concerning homosexuality and bisexuality where abrasive, homophobic words and thoughts were said.

It’s easy to get fired up and ‘come out’ by ‘accident’ in a heated conversation this time of year.

It’s a time many of Us choose to come out to loved ones around PRIDE.

Many bisexual humans involved in hereto appearing long term relationships don’t feel PRIDE has anything at all to do with Our lives.

I personally wish We had more visibility, more awareness, less stigma, more respect for the fact we do exist.

Despite my husband’s birthday falling on NYC PRIDE every year he has again selflessly decided to walk again in this year’s NYC PRIDE march in solidarity with all the BiHusbands of our City.

For now we will be the faces of you all who are still behind the walls of Bi Invisibility but We invite you all to march with us this and every year.

One of these years we’ll be on vacation somewhere privately celebrating his birthday, that year we hope to see you all representing while we’re away.

So far we’ve yet to break the walls that hide Us because it is you the readers who are crippled by societal stigma and fear, preventing Us from doing so.

You have not emailed us, you have not shown up, shown out or volunteered.

So many of you are still so deeply hidden. 😦

Our cause is not to shine a light on each of you personally but a light on Us as a whole within the LGBTQAI Community.

We do hope this year you’ll consider meeting Us in Manhattan tomorrow to march with Our signs, behind the Brooklyn Community Pride Center banner.

If not my hope in writing this article is to get you all to thinking about your own Bi Invisibility and how it hurts/helps your life & others who are still hiding in the shadows of stigma and societal perceptions.

I know my life is hurt because I am invisible and the girl of my dreams can’t see me…

Therefore I march for Our visibility.

-Jay Dee, Founder, LivingBi/BiWifeLife