…who are, like a lot of the women who follow here, are wondering what it’s gonna take to be able to express yourself in this way and more so when, these days, the world is losing their minds over the issue of bisexuality in anyone. I know what it’s like to have the feelings; I worked my way through the confusion they bring and came to understand that no matter what society has to say about not being all straight all of the time, the responsibility for my happiness in things is mine and mine alone.
I know what it’s like to be with someone who, if they found out that you’re not really all that straight – and even if just in your thoughts – would tar and feather you, label you some kind of pervert and even accusing you of not being happy with them. I know what it’s like to listen to a woman go on and on about how your feelings are so unfair to her, that you have no reason at all to want anyone other than her and your sure as hell don’t need or have a reason to engage in sexual congress with another man… and even in the odd chance she even deigns to admit that she knows that she’s not really everything you will ever need. I know what it’s like trying to explain things to her, to get her to see the logic and even common sense involved her and that we are all human and we can have needs that goes against everything we’ve been taught, everything we’re supposed to stick with and without exception… and if by doing so you wind up doing irreparable damage to yourself, well, it sucks to be you.
What is it like to be with another guy like this? I know what that’s like, too. I know what the hunger feels like, to feel that inner beast rattling its cage and demanding to be released… and I know what it’s like to force the beast to be quiet so as not to upset someone else’s sensibilities. I know what it’s like to be told that I can’t really be what I know I need to be; I know the anger. The frustration. I know what it’s like to feel so utter contemptuous toward the other person whose beliefs are being forced onto me and beliefs that I have good reason – and even proof – are, at best, incorrect. Inaccurate. So badly outdated it’s not even funny.
I know what it feels like to feel that… anger simmering and eating me alive on the inside; I’ve asked, time and time again, what is it about this that they – or anyone else – just can’t understand? Do they not understand that we need what we need in order to feel whole and complete? That we have desires, passions, and even needs that must be attended to and if they’re ignored, the only purpose that gets served is the erosion of self; to find yourself less than what you know you can be. To be held prisoner by rules that shouldn’t exist in the here and now and to feel some kind of way knowing that while you have come to see the truth of things, there are those around you who do not see it, cannot see it, and don’t want to see it.
What we, as bisexual men, come to understand is that bisexual women face the same levels of denial and suppression of self; they’re subject to the same gestalt of prejudice as everyone who isn’t straight has been made to face. I know what it’s like to sit and think… and stew in a sea of frustration… and see how all of this can be made better if the rules can’t and won’t be thrown out, they can be changed. Bent. Even broken. I know what it’s like to see this and to ask myself, “Yes… but at what cost?” and the answer to that is… complicated.
I know what it’s like to be subjected to the double standard: It’s okay for women to be this way, not okay for a man to be the same way. I know what it’s like to see a woman who expects and demands truth and total openness at all times and in all things backpedal when you tell her the truth of yourself, whether it was something that has always been true or it’s a new truth we’ve come to be aware of and see. I know the incomprehensible confusion and even heartache to learn that the only truth she’s interested in is the one she believes in; your truth, the truth of yourself, means nothing to her.
I know these things and much more. I even know what it’s like for the woman you love to be going through this same dilemma and that, like you, she’s suffering in this because she believes that there’s nothing that can be done. I know men and women who are going through this; I know their hopelessness; I know how dejected and rejected they feel; I know their anger at being denied their right to be the person they need to be. I know the solution just as I know it’s a solution that no one agrees on because the rules must always be obeyed at all times and without question. I know the lies and flaws of monogamy; I know that it is impossible for one person to be all that you’ll ever need. I know that people change over time and so does their wants, needs, and desires… and I know their fear of letting these things be known. I know what it’s like to lose loves and friends because I am what I am; I know the pain of it. I know the confusion and even the hypocrisy inherent in these things. I know what it’s like to be angry and to have that anger deepened to know that when you said that you loved me and you would do whatever is humanly possible for me and because you love me, that you lied because there’s something you won’t do for me and even if by doing it, you would be saving my life and my sanity.
And I know that bisexual women feel the exact same way… but what I don’t know is why we, as bisexuals, just do what we need to do even when society is against us doing that. I know that there are ways around the rules; I know that when it’s done right, everyone benefits from it – and even if the person we’re with isn’t bisexual. I know that it opens a lot of locked doors, not just the ones related to sex but the ones related to life itself: It unlocks the door to the truth of what we can be and, really, what we’ve been all along. I know that what we think and believe where love, sex, and relationships is concerns is… not so much wrong but, again, inaccurate. It’s not the whole truth of things; it’s not the truth of what we are as a social animal and one that sits high above all others because we can think. We can create. We can imagine. I know that men and women alike? We are magnificent animals and capable of so much on our own or together if we ever get around to getting our collective heads out of our collective asses and be the way we can be with each other and, yes, unchained and unfettered by the tenets of monogamy; did you know that experts in this agree that we weren’t meant to be monogamous? That “all of us” being heterosexual is unnatural and most certainly not the way we used to be and before those damned rules got forced onto us?
Maybe knowing that I know isn’t going to help you a whole lot, fellas. It might not help the untold number of women who are suffering in this and, like us, being made to suppress the truth of ourselves. I tell you all that I know so that you, if nothing else, know that you’re not as alone in this as you think you are. I know the joys of it all. I know the fears, too. I say to all of you – and not just the men – to, if you can find a way, don’t be afraid. Do not despair. Ladies, if you even suspect that your guy is bi, believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s not bi because he doesn’t love you, want you, appreciate you or all those other things that give you nightmares. He does. All of those things. He’s happy with you but I’ll also tell you that if he isn’t, it’s quite possible that, yes – you’re the reason he’s not happy because your beliefs will not allow him to be the man he needs to be.
And guys? You’re probably doing the same thing to the woman in your life… and you don’t even know it because she’s afraid to tell you. You’re letting your beliefs, well, fuck up the person you say that you love; you’re causing near-irreparable damage to them and for the men and women both I ask you this: Are you that damned sure about your beliefs in the way things are supposed to be that you’re willing to put your partner, the person you love, at risk… and all because you refuse to believe that what you believe is… incorrect. Not the whole truth. Rules that were invented for a situation that, today, no longer exists and, thus, is no longer relevant.
And I ask you all: Why would you do this to the person you love? And wouldn’t it just suck if they were to do it to you? I know it would; when I tell you that I’ve been there, done that, been around the block so many times I pretty much own it – and that I found a way to get around the rules so I can be who I’m meant to be – I’m not joking. Not saying it just to be saying it. If I figured out how to do it so that I can be who I am, why can’t you figure it out? And if you fear being cheated on or otherwise left behind, well, is it really that difficult to avoid this unwanted calamity?
Guys, I know what it’s like. I’ll tell you what “real men” do and, yes, “real women, too:” They let each other know that this is what I am or how I want to be. They let each other know that what I am – what I want to be – has nothing to do with how I feel about you. We let them know that we would prefer not to take this journey alone, that it would be much better if the person we love could go along with us. What’s in it for them? They get a better person. A whole person. A person who has learned to express their feelings. A person that sees that, together, we can be so much more…
If only you’d allow me to be the person I need to be. I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking that she’s gonna say she has no need to change the way she is, to change what she believes in, that something like this has never – and will not ever – cross her mind or come her way. That’s she’s gonna tell you that there is nothing for her in this. I know – I’ve heard it all before and I also happen to know that… they’re wrong; they can’t see the future anymore than anyone else can. And I also know that if she tells you this, yeah – she could very well be lying her cute ass off and she just might know more about this than she’d led you to believe.
It’s a risk but if you can’t tell her how you feel and what you’re thinking, well, that’s a problem, isn’t it? And if she refuses to listen, that’s a problem, too. It never fails to amaze me how we always demand to hear the truth of things… then get all weird when we do hear the truth… and then we don’t want to deal with it, don’t want to address it… and don’t want to do shit about it. It’s better to let the bisexual in your life suffer just to preserve your sensibilities and sensibilities that were built on lies and misconceptions.
Guys, I’m telling you this (ladies, too) just in case you get to that moment in your life when you’re just gonna have to say something about it and for no other reason than it being an act of self-preservation because not being able to express yourself is eating you alive on the inside and affecting your life – and your life with her – in very detrimental ways… and she probably sees the effects, too. Ladies? Do you think we don’t look at you and see you feeling some kind of way and not ask ourselves, if not you directly, “What’s wrong with her?” Guys and gals… do we not hear this question and say, “Nothing…” and we know we’re lying to the one person that we shouldn’t be lying to?
What’s it worth to you? Only you can decide that. What do you stand to lose? Maybe everything and I know this is very scary. What’s worse? Losing yourself. Not being who you need to be. Standing on the edge of destroying a relationship that doesn’t have to be destroyed; ready to throw away everything the two of you have built together because you think it’s the only way. Fearing having her go off on you and making things all about her. The despair. Feeling trapped. It’s not worth it and it’s better… for her for you to just give up who you are and who you want to be.
Ladies, you know what I’m talking about because you feel the same things in the same way and for the same reasons. I’m just the bi guy who has the nerve to tell you all that it doesn’t have to be this way. We’re better than this and I know that, too.
KDaddy23, Contribution Author and Fellow Bisexual Who Knows Some Stuff