Aspirations for 2016!

So here we go again–the new year starts and we start thinking about what we plan to do differently this year (or start something we’ve been wanting to start for a while but just did not get around to it).  I have a huge notecard taped to the mirror that says “NOW OR NEVER”.  It’s been sitting there for a few months.  I look at it and think about ways I can love myself more and nourish my inner well.  With the hectic world we live in we tend to turn outward and wear ourselves out.  We do it so automatically without realizing it because that is how everybody/everything around us is doing it.  It’s “Go, Go,Go”.  Things seem to be getting faster and faster.  It’s scary.  WHen do we ever slow down and unplug? Constantly being plugged into our smartphone or tablets and feeling this need to respond or get one more thing done rather than listen to the inner parts of ourselves calling out for attention.  But even when one tries to be still, one becomes restless and essentially resists that stillness.

Try it right now, just stop and take a few deep breaths.  Is your mind racing? THis is normal.  Your mind will race a lot.

Keep breathing in and out.  This is one way to practice taking care of you in 2016.  Every moment that passes by you have the choice to just be still.  And when you do not remember or do not make the choice that is ok too.  Try not to let your inner critic get the better of you because you did not try to be still.

What are some other things you can try if breathing is not comforting for you?

Maybe you can stream some relaxing music and dance or take a hot bath or put a hot or cold washclothe over your face or breathe in your favorite scent for a few seconds.  Or maybe you can dance to your favorite song? Or take a  walk? Or work out? Or  color or write to your favorite tunes? Oh the list goes on.  Or pet your animals or give someone  a big hug.

Whatever you want to do that you find loving to you and lets you get lost in the moment for just a second.  The world is your oyster and there is always time to do something loving for yourself even if it is just for a few seconds.

Will you aspire to spend more time with yourself in 2016 and learn more about you?

Personal Identity, Labels & Relationships

As of late I have been supporting youth in my personal life with a wide diversity of bisexuality.

I decided to share some of these complex relationship situations because it’s always ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to me the many varying possibilities for bisexuality/bicurious/bierotic/pansexual/queer expressionism/etc.

One is ultra feminine, dates young men and secretly has “best friends” that are just as feminine. She considers herself straight…outwardly. She has a baby, is engaged and living with a male.

The other has a masculine presentation, identifies as a Lesbian, not trans, and dated other women with masculine presentation most of her life. Most of her life she’s spent dispelling the label Trans because of her Androgynous appearance. She is currently pregnant, living with and engaged to a cis gender male after being secretly involved for the past few years.

The third is a young male who identifies as gay, is very masculine but has feminine tendencies. He has a daughter and has dated girls in the past. He works hard to hide his sexuality from those who don’t know him. He is in a long term relationship with a male but lives with a Lesbian identified roommate folks suspect is more than a roommate.

In each of these situations ‘bisexual’ is a bad word. Not because they don’t ‘feel’ bisexual but because in the worlds they live in, it’s not okay to BE bisexual.

The ‘Lesbian’ was petrified of social crucifixion when she ‘came out’ with her ‘hetero’ relationship. She was pressured to change her gender presentation by her fiance, struggles with self identity, and tends to be generally unhappy in her long term relationship with a male. She’s ‘not herself’ since her transition out of her ‘Lesbian’ lifestyle, despite being ‘happy’, ‘in love’ and building a family with the opposite gender, living the life she was ‘expected’ to lead. She’s grown away from most of her ‘friends’, doesn’t have much of a social life anymore and is normally ‘bored’ where she was once very socially active.

The Ultra Feminine Mom wouldn’t dare openly admit her sexuality, even in the face of those who know her sexuality, and her female partners. It’s a secret until the secret has been exposed time and time again, then reluctantly but with surety she will selectively admit she’s bisexual to the persistent inquirer. She hides her sexuality, guarded under the guise of privacy…but bisexual must be a bad word in her world if she can’t say it to even those who know.

Last but not least is a tricky situation. The Young Male is bisexual. He knows he’s bisexual, will admit with a bit of questioning he is bisexual but he cringes at the thought of calling himself anything other than gay. He has had relationships with females, he has a child. He’s also in a long term committed relationship with a male, has lived with his ‘Lesbian’ roommate for a few years as well. In  his world bisexual is a bad word too. He can’t be bisexual, he’s gay…but he lusts for women and wouldn’t mind ‘a taste every now and then.’

Now, for myself. I am married to a cis gender male am a mother of 5 biological children. From age 13-18 I wore primarily masculine presentation, from 18-29 I was on a spiritual journey. From 29-present I wear primarily feminine clothing and some days I feel trapped in a gender presentation that is just not me, but is required of me due to my position in life. I generally prefer females but due to religious beliefs I chose to marry a man. I have been engaged to 2 females in my past. I am still madly in love with a woman I can’t have after 6 years of her in my heart, only 1 in my life, but that’s another story. Most days I feel masculine but I wear feminine clothing. I feel like I should have been born a male; but I am a very feminine woman grateful to have been born an attractive cis gender female.

My husband is a balance of masculine and feminine equally which is why he’s my husband. 🙂 He’s that perfect blend. My mother says I’m a repressed Lesbian trapped into heterosexual life due to religious beliefs. After much introspection I tend to believe she’s partially correct…but not wholly because I still love intimacy & even relationships with men. If I didn’t have such strong religious beliefs I’d be married to a woman with a male lover in my life most likely. I’m bisexual, not a Lesbian.

I have no social life due to the demands of family. I’d love to have female friends to hang out with, a girlfriend to have more with…I have no social life because hetero wives and mothers couldn’t understand my sexual identity as bisexual but married to a man, or my masculine gender presentation on some days. Lesbians don’t welcome bisexual women at all in the community I know. Bisexual wives and mothers are hard to find.

In all these cases that are very close to home I observe just how being bisexual can be so complex, especially to those who’s lives revolve around one particular identity. Despite what one feels inside it’s like society dictates what is okay and what is not okay to be. Where we belong is contingent upon what we identify as which can grow and change at times causing our lives to change in ways we may not necessarily want for ourselves.

All of us wish we could have our ideal lives. All of us wish being bisexual was easier, wish we could be ourselves, but for so many reasons we feel like we can’t be, it’s not okay to be, it’s not possible to be…true to ourselves.

-Jay Dee, Founder






Feeling the Urge

There’s this guy I’ve been mentoring who has “recently” given into his bi side and, well, he’s been having the expected field day exploring things with men that, in his words, he never thought he’d wind up doing.  In a way, he did things kinda like I did them – started doing the dirt but then asked himself what the heck was he doing.  He read my blog one day, asked a question or two, and now he’s studying “Bisexuality 2.0” with me and we’ve been discussing bisexual philosophy and addressing some of his concerns, i.e., still feeling that urge to settle down with a woman, have some babies, but still wanting to explore his burgeoning sexual urges for men.

There are a lot of guys like my student and it does create a dilemma or two, beginning with finding a woman who is (a) gonna be cool with their bisexuality and (b) would allow her new beau to continue with his physical explorations.  My protege and I have talked about this for hours on end, which has had us exploring monogamy and all of its fallacies and pitfalls and how they impact a bisexual man who is looking for and needing the love of a good woman and all the perks therein.

He feels… weird, he tells me; he’s starting to see where a few of his male lovers are beginning to feel something more than lust for him and while he’s doing well in getting used to this, he feared that he was losing his desire for women and that his urge to settle down with the right woman would become a distant memory.  I assured him that unless he was really latently gay, he doesn’t have anything to worry about unless, of course, he can’t find the woman who will both love and lay that good stuff on him like it’s gonna be illegal tomorrow, but who will also understand his need to step to the side at times and satisfy that urge to be with a man.

Sometimes, he’s angry; like all of us does, he understands the heteronormative agenda and its adherence to monogamy and he’s emailed me with missives that I wish I could share with you here – he pretty much goes off on our morality and seriously questions the logic of people staying true to something that, in the here and now, has no place in human interactions and the blind obedience to a set of standards that haven’t changed in two thousand years even though humans, as a species, continue to evolve and with a different mindset about love, sex, relationships and, now, sexuality.

My Padawan learner is pretty damned intelligent; he sees the inherent difficulties bi men have when it comes to having a loving relationship with a woman and, as I do, calls for a major shift  in our thinking where monogamy and sexuality are concerned, that we need to shed the moral chains that serve no real purpose than to keep us from realizing our potential when it comes to love and sex.

He talks to me about how he feels about his interactions with men, how he  feels more alive now that he ever has before but how he fears, at times, that his new-found love for cock will replace his urges to pound a woman into unconscious bliss; in a recent email, he even felt that he was developing a sex addiction but realizes that, “…the knocking down of serious psychosocial barriers has brought with it a multiplier effect of sexual hunger across the board.”

Bi guys who are currently in a relationship or looking to have a woman by his side could learn a lot from this guy.  He’s kinda scary because he gets on his soapbox and sounds almost exactly like I do when I pull mine out and start on the subjects of sexuality and relationships and, no, I don’t think he’s been influenced by my mindset – he just sees the light and can now see things in a way that’s similar to how I’ve seen them for many decades now.

He doesn’t deny his sexuality, doesn’t downplay his need for cock; he recognizes that biological need to be very intimate with women and do the husband thing but also recognizes that emotional attachments to men are also possible.  Personally, I don’t see him settling down with a good man – he loves women too much – but as a “teacher,” I am thrilled with how well he’s handling something that a lot of men have issues with – and in a relatively short period of time.  He dove into the deep end just over two years ago and, wow, he’s gained almost a full understanding of the whole ball of wax in this short period of time and as compared to the length of time it took me to really get it, which was just about ten years to see the truth of things.

His acceptance of all of this should inspire other bi men to embrace their sexuality and then make it work in all aspects of their lives and I’ve shared some of what I know about this man to hold him up as an example so that others can see that being bisexual isn’t as big of a problem as it appears to be.

Oh, yeah, he’s told me – and in no uncertain terms – that the two of us will meet… and he’s going to eat me alive and I believe it’s safe to say that he’s gonna do this before we continue his “lessons” in male bisexuality.  When I told my wife about him, she laughed at this “notification of intent” but gave me props for taking him in hand and explaining to him what he needs to know about this.