The Best Advice…

…I can give anyone looking to explore their bisexuality is to never give up and never lose hope.  Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or single, you have an obligation to yourself to always do the best you can for yourself – Rule Number One has always been, “Look after your own ass first.”  Know that there will be many who aren’t going to agree with you being bisexual, let alone being eager to do something about it and they will attempt to thwart and stop you every chance they get.

And if it is within your power to do so, don’t let them steal your joy.

For many, the decision to pursue bisexuality doesn’t have anything to do with the other person you’re with, should you be in a relationship; some will really and truly understand this while, sadly, many do not and as some of you probably already have learned, they will make your needs all about them and their thoughts and feelings which, yes, should be considered but the onus upon you is to, if you can, convince them that, no, my love, this ain’t about you – but if I cannot do this, it will most certainly affect you and as badly as it is already affecting me.

In this context, there’s nothing worse than living with someone who is in a near-constant state of being miserable… and you know what they say about misery loving company.

The truth is that if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one is going to do it for you; yet another piece of sadness is that we – humans – fear loss and rejection and this fear, more often than not, makes bisexuals stay silent and do nothing and bowing to another’s point of view about this and, in most cases, a point of view that is based more on rhetoric and hearsay than any real fact and little in the way of personal experience.

Is the risk of loss and rejection worth it?  Most people won’t think that it is but I say to you all that if exploring your bisexuality means that much to you, it’s a risk worth taking; many people have said that being read the riot act by those close to them about having the utter gall to be bisexual tells them that, perhaps, these are people they don’t need in their inner circle because you want to surround yourself with folks who are on your side more than they are trying to sabotage your hopes, dreams, and desires.

And there are a lot of people who are more than willing to do just that – and to protect their own sensibilities in what many see as a very selfish, callous, and uncaring way.

You may be of a mind that what you seek to do is impossible; I say to you that it isn’t, that an untold number of bisexuals find a way to express their sexuality as they need to and that includes the friendly neighborhood contributing author who’s telling you this.  It’s not easy, will probably be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do… but it can be done if it’s really something that has to be done to make you the person you need to be.  Yet another bad part is there is no definitive way to do this; if there was and I knew of it, I would be filthy rich beyond the dreams of avarice!  All I can say is to do whatever you can do so that, again, you can be the happy person you need to be in this.

I’ll leave you with a couple of things I’ve said here recently:  If you never try, you can never fail… and if you never fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  I will add that if you do not try – and because it will make someone else happy if you never go there – in the end, that’s not helping you any and if you are troubled now, you will be even more troubled going forward.  Being in a relationship and gaining this is incredibly difficult – but doable if you’re willing to put in the work.  For those of you who are single and looking to explore, clearly, you are free and clear to do so and I ask one very pertinent question:  What are you waiting for?

Ask yourself this question… then ask yourself if the answers you come up with make any real sense; you may discover that they don’t, that’s there no reason for you to get out there and start exploring and, in this, I offer up a suggestion:  Don’t make this harder than it has to be – keep it simple.  If you can, don’t create that “perfect person” or “ideal situation” in your head because, more often than not, you’re going to make it fairly impossible for anyone to meet such overly lofty expectations and that’s because that perfect person is either unknown to you or hasn’t been born yet; that ideal situation may never present itself and the most “hurtful” thing a lot of bisexuals do to themselves is setting the bar so high that no one can reach it.

And, yes, friends, even bisexuals who have the freedom to act make this mistake and that includes the “impossibility” of married or otherwise engaged folks.

Don’t give up.  Don’t lose hope.  Keep it simple.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author and fellow bisexual (54 years and counting)

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Open Relationships and Bisexuality

Seems like I’m on a roll since returning to the site!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

One of the “bad raps” bisexuality gets is how it seems to lead to or, at the least, suggest that an open relationship is in order and there is some sense to this since, um, if you need some same-sex action in your life and you’re not already hooked up with someone like this, the only way you’re gonna get it is to go outside of the relationship or, gasp, invite someone into the existing relationship.

For many, the mere thought of this is enough to make someone have to go change their underwear or make a mad dash to get something to settle their stomach down and, yeah, find themselves kneeling before the Great Porcelain God and paying tribute to Ralph.  Logically, it makes sense, you know, if you’re of a mind to do something about that need your partner has and a need that you’re ill-equipped to handle but as I say – and a lot – logic doesn’t stand a chance against an emotional response and the emotional response to both things usually isn’t good and is very damned potent and powerful and enough to override logic and intelligence.

Now, for relationships where both people are bisexual, eh, this might not be that big of a problem except trying to figure out how to do this and without trashing the relationship in some way and thinking about some preemptive damage control should others find out that, um, you’re not exactly keeping only unto yourselves like you’re supposed to.  The biggest problem and the one that plagues a great many bisexuals is that relationship where one person is bisexual… and the other person isn’t.

And now you find yourself in a position of asking someone who isn’t bisexual, wouldn’t be, whatever, to allow you to do something that breaks most of the rules of monogamy and for a reason that has nothing to do with them.  It’s not easy to put the open relationship on the table even when sexuality isn’t at issue but when it is, well, there’s a reason why a lot of bisexuals who’d benefit from this, more often than not, never say anything about it.

One of the things I tell folks who ask me about this is that one of the biggest things is getting your partner to buy-in to this and if you can’t answer this question:  “What’s in it for me?” you’re hosed before the conversation can go any further.  Given this, if you’re not prepared to offer up whatever your partner might want in return for giving permission, you’re hosed.  If the both of you aren’t willing to sit down and talk about everything in this, you’re hosed.  You see, “open relationship” just doesn’t mean being free to do whatever – it also means being open with each other and in ways that most people wouldn’t dream about being… and I can tell you from personal experience that it’s the most frightening and emotionally painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s an emotional kick in the crotch to find out that you’re not everything your partner will ever want and need.  Not that you’re not good enough or anything like that, mind you, but none of us ever really think about something our partner might need that we can’t do anything about and it’s not our fault that we can’t or, um, if wifey has a need for the special touch of a woman, there ain’t a damned thing her very male husband can do about it.

Being bisexual and getting into an open relationship isn’t impossible – it’s just very damned difficult when, again, one part of the partnership isn’t bisexual.  So… what is really needed?

  1.  You need a plan that covers bringing the whole thing up, what you hope to accomplish, what you need, why you need it, how it’s gonna work and what your partner stands to gain or benefit from this.
  2.  Your communications skills have to be more on-point than ever before and, as part of your plan, be prepared to not only answer a lot of questions – and some of them you won’t be able to anticipate – but be prepared to tell it all from beginning to the present and 100% truthfully while understanding that you’re going to be telling them a lot of things they’re not gonna want to hear.
  3.  You also need your partner to tell it all and be totally honest and open about it because, if they don’t, you won’t be able to answer the “What’s in it for me?” question that is so very important – and telling them, “You’d get a happier wife/husband” is a good, valid, and legit answer… but one that’s not enough to feed the bulldog or cut the mustard.  You have to gird your loins and, in bad form, answer their question with a question:  “What do/would you want?” – and then be prepared to not only hear what they might say but to also deliver it.

See, some folks think that actually doing this is the hard part and make no mistake, it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Those three things I wrote are, without question, the hardest three things to do and more when a lot of the things you’re going to have to reveal are things that, normally, you wouldn’t tell anyone for any reason.  That all by itself is enough to make someone not bring the subject up, that and it’s automatically assumed that the answer is going to be not only no but fuck no, followed by getting read the riot act and/or, sadly, some kind of violence ensuing.

I tell people this and they say, “Well, that means I shouldn’t say anything about it, right?” and to be real, no, it doesn’t because if it’s something that needs to be done and you are confident that the relationship, as a whole, is not only strong enough to handle this but will benefit from it, by all means, speak up.  Or like someone told me a long time ago, “If you don’t toot your own horn,  no one is gonna do it for you.”  Other things – and some I’ve said here already – is if you don’t ask, you won’t know and if you don’t try, you can’t fail and probably the best one I can come up with is that if it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

The downside is the easy way to make it happen is to introduce some unethical infidelity into things – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

One question I’ve heard is, “How do I convince him/her that this is important to me?” and the only answer I can give is, “The best way you can.”  Another is, “What if they don’t wanna hear it?”  Judgement call time – you can leave it alone or, if it really and truly means something to you, “make” them hear it – insist that they hear what’s on your mind and why it is.  My first wife, I have to say, handled this in a very efficient and direct way by telling me, “I’m going to do this whether I have your blessing or not.”  This ultimatum has also been resorted to and no one likes getting punched in the face with one so, to that end, if you find yourself having to do there, you’d better mean it and you’d better be prepared to carry it out; otherwise, it’s just an empty “threat” and one that will be ignored.

Now to the “doing” part.  Now, it can be a bit of a stretch to imagine yourself being intimate with someone else other than your partner but your brain can work that out just fine, well, until you actually have to do it but that’s something else.  In part of your planning to bring this up, I’ve suggested to the person wanting this to imagine one thing, if they can:  Imagine your partner having sex with someone else and if that bakes your noodle, you can get a good idea of how they’re going to react to what you’re thinking about proposing.  Then there’s this:  If that makes you sick to your stomach, find a way to get over it and pretty damned quick because, in a lot of situations and cases I know of – including the one I got bitch-slapped with – the answer to, “What’s in it for me?” is or can be, “You can be free to have sex with anyone you want to…” and, again, you’d better mean this and be prepared to make good on it.

After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander… except when the goose and gander are you and your partner.

See, you have to be able to respond and deal with any objections your non-bisexual partner is guaranteed to bring up, including the obvious fact that married people aren’t supposed to even think about this.  Surprisingly, Dale Carnegie actually wrote a book about how to sell anyone anything and it tell you how anyone can learn to sell air conditioners in hell and ice cubes to an Eskimo… and it actually works because for every objection the other person has, you have a way to, essentially, make it a non-issue.  My favorite is the guy looking a that nice sports car and the salesman asks, “What’s it gonna take for me to put you in this car?” and the guy says, “I dunno – I’d have to talk to my wife about it.”  A legit reason… but the salesman counters with, “Okay, here – use my phone and call her and let’s talk to her!”

You see how it worked?  The reason not to was kicked right to the curb but the not-so-easy part is to be able to keep negating their objections in this but if you’re good at playing the “What If?” game, I’d say you stand a good chance in this.

It’s just not easy and I’m not gonna lie to you or make it seem like it is or should be.  Your argument for this will be more logical than emotional; their response will be more emotional than logical and, again, logic always loses and as indicated by the other person saying these two words:

“Yeah, but…”  That means that, logically and intelligently, they understand what you’re telling them – and the “but” is their emotion-driven response that, strangely, appears to be logical – and it isn’t.

If all of this is making you feel some kind of way – and it ain’t a good way – now you know why a lot of people in need of an open relationship to get the other stuff they need won’t ask for it – it’s too much to think about, too much stuff that has to be done, too much stuff that’s like giving away the store or throwing the baby out with the bath water or, in other words, it’s just not worth the aggravation.  And I say to anyone who feels like this that if your continued mental and physical well-being isn’t worth the aggravation, there’s is something really and seriously wrong with you – and it’s not being bisexual.

The thing is, again, if you don’t ask, you really won’t know how they’ll answer.  Maybe they say no, maybe they won’t – you just cannot ever fail if you never try and if acting on your bisexuality means that much to you, why would you not try?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

It’s Kinda Disturbing

I believe that all bisexuals should stand up for their right to self-determination, meaning that if they want, need, choose to be bisexual, well, that’s what they need in their lives and as long as it doesn’t start some kind of “crime wave,” it’s all good.  I’ve had the somewhat unique position to have been bisexual for 54 of my 63 years of life and I’ve seen changes in sexuality that, perhaps, more… modern bisexuals aren’t aware of, not out of any sense of “ignorance” but we usually don’t pay a lot of attention to history:

What happened in the past should stay in the past.

In the past, homosexual caught very bad breaks and I’m being ultra-nice saying it like this.  Subject to ridicule, being shunned, unnecessary violence up to and including being murdered for being different.  All of this gave homosexuals the motivation and impetus to make their cause a more political one; they have rights and they were being abused right along with them being abused in ways that could qualify some folks to be classed as war criminals as they committed crimes against humanity.  Their movement became a political one and they fought long and terrible battles for decades to be treated just like everyone who wasn’t gay was and to not be treated like third class citizens because, just like everyone else, they work, get education, pay taxes and, once upon a time, served this country and putting their lives on the line for what we stood for as a country and risking exposure, dishonorable discharge, and humiliation.  So when the individual states, slowly but inevitably, said that if you’re gay, not only can you marry but even if you’re just partnered, you have the same rights as everyone else does.

It was a great political victory for homosexuals and one that spread to other countries.  We used politics to force everyone to recognize an aspect of our humanity that, for centuries, was trying to be eradicated and by any means necessary… and it failed.

Along the way, bisexuality was on the rise but due to the ruckus over homosexuality, they stayed hidden, off the radar, and avoiding having that target painted on them because then and, sadly, like today, some folks don’t differentiate between bisexuality and homosexuality:  If it looks like a fag or a dyke, it must be a fag or a dyke.  I’ve often written that calling someone a switch-hitter or implying that they were “playing for both teams” often seemed to be more of a joke than an insult and, mostly, a way for guys to tease each other about how much sex we were supposedly getting and right along at how one would need a powerful microscope to see some guy’s cock, you know, seeing as how it was small and all that.  We’d even see guys (in particular) faking the funk, decrying anything that looked gay but, secretly, oh, yeah, they liked the D very much.

So as homosexuals publicly and politically fought their good fight, bisexuals continued to fly under the radar and even under the premise that what you suspected about someone was one thing… but what you could prove was something else.

Today, there’s been a major uptick in the number of bisexuals, both male and female but what alarms people isn’t the number of women who are bisexual – women have, historically, gotten a pass in this and bisexual women gained celebrity status a long time ago – the most-desired unicorn.  And, really, if you know anything about women, you shouldn’t be surprised that they would turn to each other for a level of intimacy that few men could ever hope to achieve.  Sure, bi girls have been put on blast – they’re really lesbians or they’re faking it so they can get their hooks into a man and other absurd things like that.  But most alarming were the number of men turning to bisexuality and not understanding why and I’ve always believed – and continue to believe – that when we talk about this, we always discount the human element, preferring to focus on morality and social norms and, in the last few years, beginning to make bisexuality a political statement.

This author isn’t sure that it should be, any more than I understand what’s driving this.  Homosexuals and others suffering from biphobia say that bisexuals have a straight privilege that we shouldn’t have and it’s insane because, um, duh, when you’re bisexual, you’re straight and gay… and not really either thing exclusively.  They blindly overlook the fact that for a great many bisexuals, being straight is their default behavior so, as far as bisexuals are concerned, nope – how can we invoke a privilege that was, by its very nature, ours to begin with?

There’s been a lot of drama going on in LGBTQ+ communities about how bisexuals are being either excluded or treated like red-headed step-children and that the LGBTQ+ focus is more toward homosexuality than any of the other sexualities.  Some bisexuals are, in fact, standing up for their right to sit at the LGBTQ+ table while, sadly, many of those already at the table feel, think, believe, etc., that we really don’t have a place at their table… and I’m not sure we really need to.

This… push toward a more political solution bothers me although I do understand that sometimes, you need political action to evoke social change and I’m just not sure what political action could accomplish when bisexuals, unlike homosexuals, usually and generally don’t have a problem with their rights in this violated, stomped on, and ignored… but there’s a faction that is all about doing just this and all indications point to the very organization that’s supposed to be on our side:  The LGBTQ+ community.

Not all of them, mind you – just a segment that, I dunno, believes that their cause is theirs alone and, um, because we’re not really gay, we don’t belong and if you paid attention to the raft and rush of biphobia, you’d see a particular tone to the smear campaign that, in my opinion, reeks of homosexual angst more than heterosexual angst but is made to look as if heterosexuals are the one pitching a royal bitch about the existence of bisexuals.  Sure, many straight folks are against anything and anyone who isn’t straight like they are but, at minimum and as I’ve observed, many straight folks are rather Not In My Back Yard about bisexuality; as long as you’re not trying to do the nasty to them and theirs, they don’t care what bisexuals are doing.

Part of the quasi-political push comes in the form of bisexuals being greatly urged to come out, stand up, and be accounted for and a lot of bisexuals ain’t trying to hear that because despite the inherent difficulties in being bisexual, they were – and are – doing just fine staying off the radar, thank you very much.  If you’re not gonna accept that we are real and it is what it is, just leave us alone and let us go on with our lives.

Of course, the biggest hurdle – or, dare I be a bit crude and say cluster fuck – is bisexuality in relationships, a problem many of us here are all too aware of… and I just don’t see how any political-like action is going to be able to do anything about this; what we need to do is look at the humanity in this and understand that the rules that govern how we are to be in a relationship are outdated, archaic, and in great need of revision to conform with how humans are today, here in the 21st century.  In relationships, we must or should take those promises and vows to do whatever we need to do to make each other happy a bit more literally and to understand that love, in and of itself, isn’t selfish and a lot of other things and behaviors that we routinely display in relationships and all because not only are we following an outdated notion of what this means, we have our own interpretations of what being in a relationship means and, specifically, what cannot ever be allowed, oh, like having a bisexual wife who, if she could openly have a girlfriend – and while also handling her expected wifely duties, would be the happiest of campers.  Or the bisexual husband who’d be more at peace with himself and focused toward doing his best for his family if he could – and I beg your forgiveness – occasionally suck some dick, not because he’s a pervert or hates his wife but because it’s the thing that makes him okay with himself, makes him feel whole and good.

And what makes your partner a happy camper is what’s best for the relationship… or so you’d think.  There’s a reason why the United States has always led the league in divorces; likewise, there’s a reason why bisexuals are seen as leading the league in cheating, too, and that’s because of the way we think about relationships and how utterly selfish we can be and, sometimes, how stupid we can be because we do not understand that if you don’t want your partner to cheat on you for any reason, remove any problem or issue that would “force” someone to make such a decision.

In this, we really and seriously need to stop thinking about me and thinking more about us and get the notion that we can be all and everything our partner will ever need out of our heads because the reality is, nope, that ain’t the way it works because, again, begging forgiveness for this crudeness, when your wife needs pussy to make her happy, dude, you don’t have one; likewise, if your husband needs dick to keep him on track with himself and his duties, baby girl, you don’t have one and a fake one is, more often than not, a poor substitute for the real thing… but many women are very much aware of this little factoid, aren’t you?

We should be more about that which will make us happy, individually and as a couple, instead of getting bent all out of shape because your partner needs something that you’re not equipped to provide – and then acting like they shouldn’t need this for themselves.  And the very sad part is that we aren’t; the good part is that this unloving behavior is starting to change – just not fast enough to make some people happy and not fast enough to save relationships that, otherwise, are working quite well.

It’s not a political thing; it’s an education thing and understanding what it really means to be human for a great many of us.  “Brenda” might need a girlfriend to take care of needs that her husband, “Jeff” can’t handle; doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him and it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need him because if that were the case, they wouldn’t be together at all.  We assume that if this allowed to happen, only bad things can come of it – it’s guaranteed to go wrong and I’m the guy who’ll tell you that it doesn’t always go wrong and it only does because one partner thinks or otherwise believes that they’re being offended and disrespected and that wanting more than what you already have is just plain wrong.  We fear loss more than we do rejection… yet, we will willingly throw away perfectly good relationships because of what we believe – and what we believe really isn’t the truth of things.  You say you love her and would do anything for her?  Then give her what she needs – give her the freedom to take care of her, ah, female needs for another woman; it’ll make her happy and in turn will make you happy unless you like living with someone who has become a prime candidate to have a house dropped on her.

To any and all partners who’d object to this, be advised that this ain’t about you – this is about that person you said that you loved, needed, and would do anything short of murdering someone for no reason for them.  Be advised that the problem isn’t them – it’s you; they’re just trying to be the human being they need to be and with you at their side, you know, for better or worse, and all because you believe in something that has been proven time and time again not to work the way they said it’s supposed to.

Bisexuality isn’t a political thing:  It’s a people thing.  We need to change minds and that change begins with the person you’re with and it is, again, changing… and without politics being involved.  We just really need to be better to and for each other and instead of thinking what you might be losing in this, think more about what you stand to gain:

A partner who will love you even more than they already do.  No politics involved because we don’t need political action – and love sure as hell doesn’t.

Thus endeth the rant.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

“How Do I…?”

When it comes to bisexuality, there are a lot of questions that start with the word, “how,” from how to, um, do certain things (trying to be PC here), how to tell someone that you’re bisexual and while these two in particular can produce some mild headaches and a bit of heartburn, nothing fries one’s noodle than these two questions:  How do I get permission to be openly bisexual and how do I find someone to be bisexual with?

And as I tell the guys on the bisexual forum I belong to, there’s no tried and true way to ask these questions, let alone get the answers that are needed.  Well, of the questions I posed. the first one is pretty easy to answer – the other three, eh, not so much.  You’d think that for those last three questions, you just tell your partner that we need to talk about something and just put it out there; you tell them how you feel, what you’re thinking about how your feeling, how long this has been on your mind, what you’d want to experience and even the type of person you’d like to experience things with.

Except, it’s never that easy.  I’d hazard a guess and say that if ten bisexuals had this discussion with their partner, maybe two of them would not only not get raked over hot coals, tarred and feathered, but getting permission to act is also given, either singularly or as a joined kind of thing.  The others?  Let it suffice to say that things are not going to go well for them even when a partner has opined that they don’t have a problem with bisexuals… as long as it ain’t got nothing to do with them.

Or you.

Still, they remain legitimate questions that, for a bisexual, has to be answered – there’s just no easy or simple way to get them.  It leaves one frustrated, miserable, depressed, etc., and more so when you’re in a relationship; you’re bound by the rules of monogamy and many bisexual find, in that moment of personal discovery, that monogamy sucks and not in a good way.  You’ve gotten hooked up with someone who loves you, understands you, would do anything within reason for you, only to find out that, nope, they’re not of a mind to let you explore your bisexual feelings.  At this point, a lot of bisexuals decide that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and the funny thing about asking permission is that almost everyone contemplating this automatically assumes that the answer will be no; the truth of this is that if you don’t ask, you really won’t know.

One thing that makes having such discussions with a partner is a total failure to communicate and I’ve seen this failure get to the point where talking about things sexual – and with the person you’re having sex with – is damned near impossible so you can probably imagine how having a conversation about bisexuality might go over.  Making this worse is you can be pretty sure how your partner might react to any of this and more so if you’ve spent any time listening to whatever is on their mind about homosexuality and more so when gay marriage is still rattling people’s cages as they find ways to cope with this… so telling them that you’re bisexual and that you’d like to have permission to get a boyfriend/girlfriend you can explore this with – and because if you don’t, they feel they’re going to be at risk where their sense of self and emotional well-being is concerned – will be, historically, met with a lot of negativity, quoting Old Testament stuff, and a scolding about what the sanctity of marriage means – and keep in mind that even unmarried couples are subject to these rules as well.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.   So far, this isn’t sounding good or making anyone feel good and for that, I am truly sorry and say again that there’s just no easy way to do this because if there was, I wouldn’t have to write this and it would be moot.  Now, it’s well-known that bisexuals are cheaters… except, that’s a partial truth because there are a lot of bisexuals who wouldn’t cheat even if their lives depended on it; the bad part is that they usually wind up suffering in a few ways because the urge and need to be bisexual – and not being able to – just eats them alive and in some very scary ways.  Why do bisexuals go on the down-low to do what they have to do?  I’ll say it again:

It’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.  It’s even true that a lot of bisexuals “step to the side” as an act of self-preservation, something that I think all bisexuals understand; discovering that you’re bisexual creates a great deal of internal stress – both physical and emotional – and I’m being nice saying it like that and the urge to get out there and do something is one of the most powerful things anyone can experience and the longer things go without being resolved or taken care of, the more powerful that urge becomes.  So it comes down to do something… or lose your ever-loving mind.

Now.   Partners who are, frankly, being a bitch about any of this, aren’t aware of how this can mess someone up and they aren’t aware of it because, in every situation I know of centered on this very thing, the partner makes it about them – what about their feelings and stuff like that, making you the bad guy/gal when, to be honest, they’re the villain in this because their objections and negativity is almost always interpreted as them saying they don’t care about how much this means to you; they only care about how they feel about it.  Once the bisexual partner has been “kicked to the curb” on this, what they don’t pay attention to is how their rejection will impact the relationship; sometimes, it’s subtle, sometimes it isn’t but you can bet your booty that it will be negatively impacted and will manifest itself in a lot of ways, from the bisexual partner being more cranky than usual to becoming depressed, uninterested in a lot of stuff (like having sex with you, you heartless asshole), and sometimes, when a partner does notice it, it’s not like they can’t figure out the answer to, “Hey – what’s going on with you?” – some just ignore all the strife going on with you and, again, more because they’re offended, hurt, feeling betrayed – whatever.

It’s just the tip of a very nasty iceberg and the sad part is that there are a lot of bisexuals who’ll choose to suffer with this and will never say anything about it… and that’s just not a healthy thing to do.  I’m not saying that all bisexuals who want to reveal themselves to a partner or even ask for permission should do so; you know the situation you’re in better than anyone and it all comes down to deciding whether bringing any of this up is worth the drama that may ensue.  And, at some point, someone might decide that if their partner isn’t willing to help them with this, it’s time to take matters into their own hand, aka Rule #1:

Take care of your own ass first.

So I tell bisexuals that in these things, you gotta do what will ultimately be the best thing for you to do and that, sometimes, the best thing you can do – not say anything about any of this – might not be the best thing to do.  It just isn’t easy but, at the same time, if you don’t say anything, you’ll never know where your partner stands on the matter or what they’re willing to do to make sure you don’t devolve in to a miserable and bitterly wretched person.

Having said all of this, can it be done?  Yes, it can be and for many, it still wasn’t easy to do.  If you’re determined to stand your ground in this, by all means, stand your ground but understand that there are always consequences and unless you’re prepared to deal with them, maybe it’s better not to say anything until you are prepared to deal with them.  Most certainly, this matter and those questions I mentioned will test not only one’s resolve, but the strength of their love for each other and their relationship and, sadly, many do find that their relationship isn’t as strong as they thought – or had hoped.

When my first wife asked for permission – demanded it, really – it put me in a bad spot and one where I had a choice to make and based on what she said to me, namely, “I’m going to do this with or without your blessing.”  The questions I asked myself went like this:  “Which thing could I live with – knowing what she was doing and who she was doing it with or not knowing?”  The most important question was, “Do I really love her as much as I swore that I do?”  Along with this one:  “Isn’t it my duty to do whatever I can do to make and keep her happy?” and “Don’t I have a responsibility where her mental health is concerned and if there’s something I can do to keep her from literally losing her mind, shouldn’t I do it?”  Even better:  “Do I want to live with someone who is going to make my life miserable because she can’t get what she needs?”

She wanted permission… and she got it; I would rather know what woman she’s sleeping with, I did love her as much as I said I did; it was my duty and responsibility to make her happy and keep her feeling good about herself… and giving permission was a lot easier than filing for divorce and throwing away all that we’d done to that point in time.  And, hell, no – I’d seen how miserable she was before the fact and it wasn’t pretty.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make and more so since I was only allowed a small space of time to think about it all and make a decision one way or the other.  Normally, I don’t respond well to ultimatums but this one couldn’t be ignored and, again, there was only one thing to do and that was to say to her, “So… how are we gonna make this work?”

Not “How are you gonna make this work.”  We.  Us.  I’ll be blunt and frank and stop being PC and say that one of the things I realized was that she wanted and needed something that I couldn’t give her:  Pussy.  The touch of another woman and an intimacy that men just completely fail to provide women.  That really messed my head up, you know, to find out that nope, I wasn’t everything she’d ever need and more so because, duh, I was born male.  That and this wasn’t about me and trying to make it about me would tell her that I didn’t care about this thing that was bothering the crap out of her – and I did notice how miserable she was and how it was affecting everything we did.  I hated what she had to say – and like most men would – but I also had to give her props for standing up and demanding to get what she needed and that she was willing to get it by any means necessary; fair would be better, but foul was something she was determine to invoke if necessary.

The bad part?  Not every partner is capable of looking at this the way I did.  Still, if you don’t try, you can’t fail and if you don’t ask, you won’t ever know.  It’s a judgement call, at the end of the day – make the call or don’t.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Back Again!

It has, once again, been a very long time between visits here and the only excuse I can offer is that life just gets in the way of things and, admittedly, I get so wrapped up writing my own blog, I keep forgetting my status as a Contributing Author for this site.  So what’s been going on in the world of male bisexuality?

A lot of stuff!  There may not be a lot of men officially coming out as bisexual but there are a lot more men than I can remember who either want to take the plunge or have already dived in to test the waters and even more men who are in relationships with women who are trying to navigate this very precarious position… and quite a few who’ve gotten some buy-in with their lady and enough to have gotten permission to handle their M2M business, and exploring things like swinging, some light D/s play, even cuckolding.

But we’re still a very long way from a more overall acceptance of male bisexuality, even with the angst beginning to lessen somewhat.  I joined a couple of bisexual sites to see what my fellow bisexuals were up to and to lend my experience in this to those who had questions and needed answers and, sure, to make some new friends and I’ve seen that, indeed, the number of men who also like men has been growing but the lingering social problems continue to plague a great many men and to the point where many find themselves sitting on the bench, literally afraid to take the plunge.

Some guys talk about being “bored” with boy/girl sex and they’re looking for something different, something exciting to shake their sex life up… while many more men have given voice to their sadness and disappointment that women – and even women they’re involved with – are not all that willing to have sex as much as they may have once been and while women do seem to strive with in the state of celibacy, men have never done well here and the physical and psychological pressures of our built-in imperative to have sex makes a lot of guys turn to the only other alternative outside of masturbation:

Other guys who like guys.  While this would seem to make sense, what I’ve been seeing – and writing about on my own blog at times – is how something that used to be the hallmark of NSA/casual sex is becoming more heteronormative in nature; guys are turning their backs on casual sex in favor of a more relationship-like setting, like Friends With Benefits and a relationship state that was once all about all of the perks of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities… and that’s changed or, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you can’t have sex with me.”

If you read that last part and it sounds familiar, it should because it’s the same thing women have been telling men for as long as I can remember.  Men are now concerned about the protocols of dating other men, very resistant to sex on the first date, and more unwilling to plunge with each other without some kind of commitment in place and I’ve not been sure if things are heading in a more “normal” direction on their own or it’s just that guys are going about this in the only way they know how and using what it takes to be with a woman as the model and template for bypassing Mr. Right Now in favor of Mr. Right.

In the bisexual forum community, there seems to be a great disparity:  There are more bottoms than tops or, if you’re not familiar with the terms – and I mean no insult or offense – there are more guys who want to be “the girl” in all of this than there are guys who want to stay in the role of being “the guy.”  And to make things even more interesting, guys go about this in a way that makes me say, “If you think women are funny about sex, men are even funnier about it.”  Once upon a time, it was stupidly easy to find a guy to have sex with and all that was needed came in the form of two questions:  Do you wanna do it and what do you wanna do?  Indeed, a lot of guys turned bisexual just because it was easier to get a guy naked and in bed than it was to do the same thing with a woman…

And that’s changed.  It’s just not enough that two guys find that they have this in common and while there are still guys who are of a mind not to engage in anything that even remotely resembles a relationship, they’re becoming a minority and favoring the long-held belief that the only good and meaningful sex is relationship sex.  On top of this, a lot of men complain and bitch about not being able to find a guy to, say, have oral sex with… and I’m finding that what they’re really saying is that they can’t find the “man of their dreams” or cannot make real that perfect and most ideal situation that will allow them to explore their M2M desires; again, casual sex bad, relationship sex good and it stands to reason that there are men out there who either don’t want to be a FWB or, given their current relationship status, can’t engage like that without their female partner getting suspicious and they get outed and there’s goes the relationship with her.

Things are more confused and up in the air than at any other time I can remember and much of it is because there’s comparatively little or no acceptance of male bisexuality and more so for men who are already in a relationship – and a situation that many of the women on this very site understand as well.  It’s frustrating and depressing and you’d think it would as easy as sitting down with your partner and having a very deep and serious conversation about this because, after all, if they really have your back in all things, they should be willing and able to have your back in this… but not only is that not the reality of things, it seems to be even more unrealistic that a bisexual in a relationship can have this conversation with a partner who may or may not be harboring their own bisexual feelings.  So if we can’t talk about it, we’re not going to make a lot of progress toward acceptance of bisexuality as a “norm.”

Nature says it is, society says is should never be – but that doesn’t stop men or women from embracing their bisexuality but, yeah, it sure would be easier on everyone if we could just be bisexual without all the drama… and we’re just not even close to being there yet.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

It’s Been a While, Hasn’t It?

Let’s see… what have I been up to since I was last here, wow, almost a year ago?  Well, I had to have another repair done to the implant I had installed to fix an abdominal aortic aneurysm and the repair went well since I’m writing this.

As a member of a forum for bisexual men, I’ve been busy helping newbies get their head around bisexuality, dispelling myths, stuff like that, and I find it rather rewarding even though I can’t help but feel some sorrow for these men, many of which have yet to have their first experience with a guy.  Many of the guys are in a relationship with a woman who makes it nigh impossible for them to indulge themselves in their desires and fantasies.  They don’t want to cheat on their partner… but many think about it as the only solution available and I’m the guy who tells them that, um, if you think you can, it might be better to ask permission – who knows, you just might get it.

Still, interacting with these guys is interesting and serves to remind me that there was a time when I was a straight-up rookie in this; they have fears and concerns and a million questions about something that I take for granted so these budding bisexuals keep me grounded in reality.

The guy I’ve been mentoring, whew, he’s been busy exploring this side of the sexuality fence and he’s learning some hard lessons that he’s been having a few issues with, from dealing with how deceptive and shady some guys can be to having to deal with the guys he’s been having sex with developing deeper feelings for him than just lust – this has been giving him quite a few headaches because they are demanding exclusivity from him and giving him much grief because, by his own admission, he’s not even close to being ready to consider “settling” down with a man.

I “lecture” him about time management because he tends to let the men he’s involved with run his life, vying to dominate his free time and when he literally and barely has time to go to the bathroom due to increased workload on his job, man, do they get upset when they want to just drop in on him and he has to tell them, “No, not tonight…”  Now, I did warn him that this was gonna happen, that the pressure that’ll be put upon him to be monogamous and exclusive with a guy was going to be daunting; I’m not gonna say he didn’t believe me but I also knew he wasn’t going to take the easy route and follow the advice I gave him to minimize the impact he now feels himself dealing with.

Yeah, sometimes, you just gotta find out the hard way, dontcha?  He kinda reminds me of dealing with my children when they were growing up:  I’d tell them something for their own good and because I can easily see the mess they’re about to walk into; they’d say, “Yeah, Dad, I know, I know…” – and then fall into a mess that I either have to get them out of… or I’ll leave them in it so they can figure out how to get out of it themselves.

Mentoring is important and while some folks can become successful bisexuals without it, being bisexual is so horribly complicated that if you find you need a mentor, do whatever you gotta do to find one who’s gonna tell you the real deal about being bisexual and not just pat you on the behind and give you a false sense of security in this.  Bisexuality isn’t just a change in your sexual and emotional habits:  It’s life-altering stuff and there is much one needs to learn so that those alterations don’t become major problems.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

I’ve Returned!

It’s been quite a while (again) since I’ve written here and for that, I offer my deepest apologies… but I’ve been busy mentoring a guy on the West Coast in the ways of male bisexuality.  There are a lot of men – and even women – who want to explore bisexuality, don’t really know what to do, how and when to do it, and some just go ahead and jump into the deep and murky waters of bisexuality without understanding what lies beneath the surface.

Once they’ve accepted that, yeah, I’m bisexual, the next thing they should do is find someone who can show them the “proper” way to dive in and not wind up landing on a rock.  Admittedly, a lot of folks are looking for that person they can have their first sexual experience with but without someone with experience to guide them toward this epic moment, the results can be iffy because being bisexual and having the sex is only one part of the equation – that part is easily done but what isn’t so easy is understanding how your life will change.

So, the guy I’m mentoring for, wow, over a year now, had always felt the pull of bisexuality but dismissed it to focus on women, just like any other red and hot-blooded male.  The pull got stronger in his college days and he told me about the many chances he had to take the plunge with his hot Latino roommate… but never did.  He was now aware of his desires and, as expected, struggled with them.

According to him, five years ago, he had his first sexual experience with a man – received oral sex from him after a long session of petting; two years later, he had his second experience and one that was more involved and included a somewhat failed attempt at anal sex.  Sometime after that, he found my blog and reached out to me about dealing with this, asked for my help, and I agreed to take him to school and teach him that being bisexual is much more than putting A into B and/or C; there is a history and a mindset that also must be understood.

He’s the first guy I’ve mentored in a long time and he’s proven to be an excellent and willing student; he’s smart, intuitive, and can be introspective so he can examine his thoughts and feelings so he can better understand how bisexuality has changed his life and his whole outlook on many things that have nothing to do with getting naked with someone.  I’ve put him through a lot of tough challenges, have given him “homework” assignments that challenges his perceptions and ideology and have tasked him to look beyond what he thinks he knows and find where the reality lives.

He’s responded well, although I have had to give him detention at times and I’ve chastised him on occasion for losing perspective of the big picture.  I know about every moment he’s had sex with a guy – he’s required to tell me what he was thinking and feeling and, um, wow, he’s been busy as he’s currently “involved” with several men who are showing him many aspects of male sexuality that keeps him in his toes, centered, and firmly grounded.

One important thing he had to learn was about the “top, bottom, versatile” labels both gay and bisexual men like to use:  While he calls himself a top, in my school of bisexuality, to be a good top, you should know what it’s like to be one of the other two things.  It’s a valuable lesson in understanding what is like to be on the other side of a sexual situation with a man and, equally important, to understand what men often put women through sexually.

Yep:  He’s been screwed and, I can’t help it but it’s been funny as hell.  He talks to me about what we call “that bitch feeling,” a particular feeling some men experience when having sex with another man (and not meant to insult any women) and he’s been learning that while you cannot make it go away, you can learn to embrace it so that the sex taking place can be enjoyed to the fullest extent possible.  It hasn’t been easy for him but as I told him, he needs to know what it feels like to submit to a man’s lust and not to be hypocritical about it, like, if it’s okay for him to pound a guy’s butt and, uh, inseminate him, then it should be just as okay to experience the same thing:  If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

He’s my best “student” ever; he’s bold, less fearful and, very important, is aware of the consequences of his actions; he’s more safety conscious (not that he wasn’t before) and given the diversity of the men he’s involved with and is attracted to, he’s learning the most important lesson any bisexual needs to learn:  That being bisexual isn’t just about the sex.

Being bisexual changes the way you look at life, reveals the flaws in the dogma that our morality is based upon and shows how diverse people can be when it comes to life, living, and loving.  He said to me, via one of the many texts I get from him on any given day, that he doesn’t know how all of this would have turned out for him had I not agreed to mentor him and feels that he’s a better bisexual man now than he was before.

It’s high praise but I’m just happy to have been able to make a difference in his life and that being bisexual doesn’t diminish him.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Feeling the Urge

There’s this guy I’ve been mentoring who has “recently” given into his bi side and, well, he’s been having the expected field day exploring things with men that, in his words, he never thought he’d wind up doing.  In a way, he did things kinda like I did them – started doing the dirt but then asked himself what the heck was he doing.  He read my blog one day, asked a question or two, and now he’s studying “Bisexuality 2.0” with me and we’ve been discussing bisexual philosophy and addressing some of his concerns, i.e., still feeling that urge to settle down with a woman, have some babies, but still wanting to explore his burgeoning sexual urges for men.

There are a lot of guys like my student and it does create a dilemma or two, beginning with finding a woman who is (a) gonna be cool with their bisexuality and (b) would allow her new beau to continue with his physical explorations.  My protege and I have talked about this for hours on end, which has had us exploring monogamy and all of its fallacies and pitfalls and how they impact a bisexual man who is looking for and needing the love of a good woman and all the perks therein.

He feels… weird, he tells me; he’s starting to see where a few of his male lovers are beginning to feel something more than lust for him and while he’s doing well in getting used to this, he feared that he was losing his desire for women and that his urge to settle down with the right woman would become a distant memory.  I assured him that unless he was really latently gay, he doesn’t have anything to worry about unless, of course, he can’t find the woman who will both love and lay that good stuff on him like it’s gonna be illegal tomorrow, but who will also understand his need to step to the side at times and satisfy that urge to be with a man.

Sometimes, he’s angry; like all of us does, he understands the heteronormative agenda and its adherence to monogamy and he’s emailed me with missives that I wish I could share with you here – he pretty much goes off on our morality and seriously questions the logic of people staying true to something that, in the here and now, has no place in human interactions and the blind obedience to a set of standards that haven’t changed in two thousand years even though humans, as a species, continue to evolve and with a different mindset about love, sex, relationships and, now, sexuality.

My Padawan learner is pretty damned intelligent; he sees the inherent difficulties bi men have when it comes to having a loving relationship with a woman and, as I do, calls for a major shift  in our thinking where monogamy and sexuality are concerned, that we need to shed the moral chains that serve no real purpose than to keep us from realizing our potential when it comes to love and sex.

He talks to me about how he feels about his interactions with men, how he  feels more alive now that he ever has before but how he fears, at times, that his new-found love for cock will replace his urges to pound a woman into unconscious bliss; in a recent email, he even felt that he was developing a sex addiction but realizes that, “…the knocking down of serious psychosocial barriers has brought with it a multiplier effect of sexual hunger across the board.”

Bi guys who are currently in a relationship or looking to have a woman by his side could learn a lot from this guy.  He’s kinda scary because he gets on his soapbox and sounds almost exactly like I do when I pull mine out and start on the subjects of sexuality and relationships and, no, I don’t think he’s been influenced by my mindset – he just sees the light and can now see things in a way that’s similar to how I’ve seen them for many decades now.

He doesn’t deny his sexuality, doesn’t downplay his need for cock; he recognizes that biological need to be very intimate with women and do the husband thing but also recognizes that emotional attachments to men are also possible.  Personally, I don’t see him settling down with a good man – he loves women too much – but as a “teacher,” I am thrilled with how well he’s handling something that a lot of men have issues with – and in a relatively short period of time.  He dove into the deep end just over two years ago and, wow, he’s gained almost a full understanding of the whole ball of wax in this short period of time and as compared to the length of time it took me to really get it, which was just about ten years to see the truth of things.

His acceptance of all of this should inspire other bi men to embrace their sexuality and then make it work in all aspects of their lives and I’ve shared some of what I know about this man to hold him up as an example so that others can see that being bisexual isn’t as big of a problem as it appears to be.

Oh, yeah, he’s told me – and in no uncertain terms – that the two of us will meet… and he’s going to eat me alive and I believe it’s safe to say that he’s gonna do this before we continue his “lessons” in male bisexuality.  When I told my wife about him, she laughed at this “notification of intent” but gave me props for taking him in hand and explaining to him what he needs to know about this.

All Things Being Unequal…

I was just reminded of something that’s rather important if you’re bisexual and in a relationship or you’re hooked up with a bisexual… and even if both of you are bisexual.  See, life, for the most part, is about balance or things being equal and more so when we’re talking about relationships.  There is a misconception that if you’re bisexual (or think you are, you know the rest), then you “obviously” like men and women equally, that your attractions are magically a 50-50 affair and, I’m guessing, because of the “bi” prefix.

And that’s so far from the truth it stopped being funny the first time someone assumed that bisexuals behave like this.  Yes, there are bisexuals who manage to have fully equal interest in men and women but that’s not how most bisexuals behave and, of course, the devil’s in the details.

If you’re wondering about your sexuality, trying to explain it to someone, or trying to get your head around the announced fact that your partner is bisexual, please do everyone a favor – don’t assume that this is a 50-50 thing and that if you feel such-and-such for a man, then you have to feel the exact and equal thing for a woman… and then stop thinking of bisexuality in terms of percentages altogether; it’ll save you from a lot of stress when trying to quantify something that’s not so easy to reduce to just mere numbers.

Bisexuality represents a fluid state in overall human sexuality, maybe in the middle of the road, maybe not and this can be seen with the legendary Kinsey scale which goes from zero to six with zero being totally heterosexual and six being totally homosexual.  So, yeah, it’s easy to assume that bisexuals “have” to be a three on the scale and just leave it at that, right?

No, not really.  I can tell you (if you didn’t know) that while I’m bisexual, I do happen to be attracted to women more than men… most of the time; I know that I don’t like men in the same way I like women and I don’t even like men for the same reason I like women – and that depends on where my thoughts and feelings are at any given moment and, yes, I do mean that literally.  It may sound that I’m all over the place about this but this serves to illustrate that you just can’t look at what a bisexual might do in order to “nail down” any sense of equality in this since a lot of being bisexual actually takes place inside one’s head.

All things being unequal, bisexuality isn’t about liking one more than the other; one of the arguments I’ve heard about this has been about the bisexual partner being asked about (or accused of) liking same-sex stuff more than opposite sex stuff; I’ve seen the bisexual in question appear to be totally confused while trying to respond to this and it’s assumed that they either don’t know… or the “accusation” is true when, in fact, even I have a hard time trying to quantify my bisexuality, not because I don’t know but simply because I just cannot ascribe a “number” to how I might be thinking and feeling at any given moment.

Which is why when people ask me if I like men or women more than the other, my answer usually is, “It depends.” When I’m asked if I like men or women – and the question is really asking if I’m really gay or I’m really straight and there’s some confusion going on here – my usual answer is, “Yes.”  If there is a balance here, some numbers game, it’s that I like men and women but if you wanna try to quantify this any further, well, pack breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few snacks; bring something for a headache, too, while you’re at it because trying to explain how unequal all of this is will take a long time.

If sexuality truly isn’t just “black and white” and bisexuality is in that gray area in between these two “extremes,” um, it might help to understand that bisexuality isn’t really as static as being straight or gay can be because, at any given moment, a bisexual guy could be all about other men… or all about women… or just sliding up and down the scale and all depending on what they’re feeling and thinking at any given moment.  I see people using the Kinsey scale to say they’re a two or a three and maybe even a four and I’m thinking that a lot of them establishing this “default” behavior is based on what they’d do about their thoughts and feeling and, in a way, that kinda makes sense because knowing where you are on the scale gives some inner stability and definition.

But, on the real, bisexuals are just as fluid in their thoughts and feelings as they are in their actions if/when the clothes come off and, as such, trying to ascribe some sense of equality can be a fruitless endeavor.  It’s this author’s opinion that because of this fluidity, it makes understanding bisexuality rather difficult for a lot of people so it’s easier for them to create a 50-50 stability point than it is to get their head around the complexities that live in a bisexual’s head from one moment to the next… and that, my friends, isn’t the way to understand or even pin down exactly what makes a bisexual tick.

You should try to understand that what makes us tick isn’t all about getting naked and freaky and more so since there are a lot of bisexuals who, in fact, have never had any of the sex that’s possible and for whatever reason that may apply to them.  If you understand that a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings are in a constant state of flux, trying to play the numbers game with sexuality is a terribly difficult thing to do – even for those who are comfortable with their bisexuality; I could tell you right now that I’m 95% for women, 5% for men and, mere seconds from now, be of a totally different – and unequal – frame of mind on the matter.

If I were to advise someone about how to examine bisexuality, I might suggest that one’s time and effort be directed more in the direction of understanding why they’re bisexual or how they’re bisexual if that’s applicable… but not assuming that there’s some implied equality going on with this; even if you’re bisexual, you’d probably make yourself insane trying to do this.  And, yes, if this all sounds horribly complicated, you’re right – it is and more so since a lot of what makes a bisexual the way they is intangible, meaning, there are no words (or anything else) than can describe or define things in this.

Your time would be better spent on accepting that you or your partner is bisexual, that they feel some kind of way about men and women and then going on about your relationship in the best way possible.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author, Overly Enthusiastic Bisexual, and Wearer of Other Hats