For Da Fellas

There is so much I could tell you about what it’s like to be bisexual, just as there is a whole lot I can tell you about being married to a bisexual woman.  I know that a lot of men have a great deal of fear about bisexuality, both in themselves and in a woman they’ve come to love, just like I know that when a guy discovers that he’s bisexual – or in a relationship with a bisexual woman, um, they can say and do some pretty silly things that, at the end of the day, isn’t really going to make things better.

The first thing I gotta say is that if you find yourself having some homoerotic thoughts, don’t freak yourself out; believe it or not, that’s considered to be normal despite all the crap you’ve heard about what it takes to be a “real man.”  Right along with this, if you’re a guy and you’ve learned (or have suspected) that your lady is bisexual, ditto:  Don’t freak out and start belittling her and doing that Old Testament, “Me Tarzan, you Jane” nonsense; despite what you may have been led to believe, just because she’s your woman doesn’t mean you have absolute control over her thoughts and feelings – and no more than she has any control  over your thoughts and feelings about anything.

Bisexuality is just as much a fact of life as being straight or gay is and, again, despite all that you’ve been taught; bisexuality is real and has been around so long that no one really knows when bisexuality appeared in human behavior so it just stands to reason that if bisexuality is real, bisexuals are real.

Duh, right?

Guys, um, just because you might look at another dude and be feeling some kind of way about him doesn’t mean that you’re gay or anything like that; if you think you like guys (or you already do) but you know for a fact that you like women, um, nope – you’re not straight or gay.  Now, here of late, if you’re a guy and willing to throw down with another guy in some way, it’s considered to be quite manly, which isn’t even close to how this was looked at when I was growing up… but that outdated mentality still persists and, well, don’t pay any attention to it.

Admittedly, about the worst possible situation is being bisexual and being in a relationship… and with someone who doesn’t understand a “few” things about bisexuality, like, just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean that some wild orgies are gonna jump off.  Folks get so itchy about bisexuality and relationships that they almost always overlook the fact that if you’re bisexual or hooked up with a bisexual, they obviously aren’t interested in being in a same-sex relationship if they’re with you.  Fellas, most bisexual women I personally know are quite happy being monogamous despite any thoughts and feelings about being with a woman; likewise, being male and bisexual doesn’t automatically send you to the DL – I also know a lot of bisexual guys who, like women, take being monogamous very seriously.

The important thing, guys, is that if your woman is bisexual, don’t give her a lot of grief about it.  Her being bisexual has nothing to do with her love or desire for you and, honestly, the only time that’s true is if you give her a reason to leap into the arms of a woman, oh, like criticizing her for being bisexual and insisting that your dick is all she’s ever supposed to need.  If you’re the bisexual, well, my brothers, I  can only hope that you’re with a woman who is open-minded and understanding when you tell her; to be PC about it, a furious woman getting in your case about your sexuality just ain’t pretty.  One thing that you should know is that if she blows a gasket, it’s an emotional response on her part and, yeah, trying to reason with her isn’t going to be easy so instead of blowing a gasket of your own, do your best to be patient and continue to explain things to her in a calm, intelligent fashion.

Have I been on the wrong side of this kind of discussion?  I sure have so I know what it feels like and how frustrating it can be trying to explain something to someone who just isn’t of a mind to listen rationally.  It’s bad enough that one person has lost their cool… and even worse when both people get all bent out of shape about this – and there’s really no reason for this kind of drama because, remember, if you wanted to be in a relationship with a man, you sure as hell wouldn’t be with her and watching her go off the deep end.

If you’re the bisexual – and even if you aren’t and your woman is – the key to keeping things together is being able to communicate openly and freely; instead of talking at each other (and in some nasty ways), talk to each other while keeping in mind that while you are a couple, you are also still individuals that have wants and needs – they just don’t go away because you’re in a relationship.  For many bisexuals in this situation, it’s not always about going out and doing some dirt here and there – it’s more internal; it’s about them – and, hopefully, you – being comfortable with this whole sexuality thing.  Yet another thing to remember is that if you learn that your woman is bisexual, well, when you fell in love with her, you fell in love with that part of her as well and the only thing that has changed is that now you know she’s bisexual.

You shouldn’t start bashing her about her feelings in this any more than you should jump in her case about anything she’s done with this before you met her – you just cannot change what has already happened so don’t waste your breath ranting and raving about it… unless you want to risk having your words turn her against you – and don’t kid yourself into thinking that will never happen.  Likewise, if you’re the bisexual and you’re trying to explain things to her, do your level best to keep your cool in the face of her fury.

In any of this, I’ve learned that people tend to look at sexuality and relationships in the way things are supposed to be… but not in the way things can be.  Dealing with bisexuality in a relationship is not the end of the world; it doesn’t mean that you can’t love and desire them or that they don’t love and desire you but there’s a fact that a lot of people just can’t get their heads around:  Love and desire isn’t always a single-source kind of thing; you can be attracted to anyone, you can have feelings for anyone and, yes, anyone can shift your lust into high gear.

Fellas, I know this is a lot to take in all at once; it’s confusing, frustrating, and a lot of other things that might have you reaching for something to get rid of the headache… but that’s why folks like myself are here, folks who have dedicated themselves to help explain bisexuality and what it takes to still have a harmonious relationship.  We’ve been there, done that, and are quite happy in our own relationships and, well, if we can do it, you can do it.

KDaddy23

Contributing Author and Wearer of Other Hats

If One or Both of You Are Bi…

…take heart because it’s not the end of the world.  It’s also not the time for overly emotional insults, accusations, or other such forms of drama that will only serve to take your relationship – and the one you’ve both worked together on – and throw it right out the closest window.  Bear with me for a few…

I had always suspected that my first wife was bisexual; the signs were all there – and quite recognizable since I’m bisexual – and although I just knew there was something she wasn’t telling me, I didn’t have any proof; every time I asked her about it, she’d just roll her eyes, tell me that I was imagining things, and then change the subject.

But one day, she finally confessed and ask she began to tell me the truth of things, I could tell that she was just waiting for me to get all medieval on her even though she already knew I was bi.  Her trepidation was justified because, just a day before her confession, we both heard a couple arguing so loudly we were sure the police would show up and the reason why they were fussing was because the guy’s wife let him know that she liked women, too… and it was beyond ugly; I know I overheard some stuff that hurt me and I wasn’t part of the conversation!

Just the same, I listened to her, asked a question every now and then but, importantly, let her know that I couldn’t have a problem with her bisexuality and more so since, duh, I was bisexual.  The thing that brought a smile to her face was my saying, “You know just like I do, dontcha?”

It did our relationship a world of good to latch onto the fact that we had more in common than we had originally thought.  And while we talked about her past interactions with women, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that making accusations of infidelity or other such nonsense just didn’t make sense.  I will admit that, for a moment, I felt a pang of jealousy while listening to her talk about her love for women and, of course, the sex; for a moment, I felt threatened because it was bad enough that some dude could come along and sweep her off her feet… but I could lose her to a woman as well.

But only for a moment – call it about thirty seconds.  Listening to her talk about how men and women made her feel echoed my own feelings on the matter and once I understood that, those negative feelings went away.  It was a time to rejoice and definitely not a time for pointing fingers or ranting and raving over things that had already happened and we were good.

A lot of our friends who had similar conversations about their sexuality didn’t fare very well; arguments broke out, actual fights broke out, and many a relationship wound up getting trashed because, well, once you bind yourself to someone, you pretty much give up your individuality and that seemed to include one’s sexuality.  They didn’t understand that, in most cases, their partner was bisexual before they met and fell in love; they couldn’t understand how their partner could be with them for years and “suddenly” discover their bisexuality, the assumption here is that someone couldn’t change this about themselves… or they weren’t supposed to.

If one or both of you are bisexual, there’s no need for drama; if nothing else, this extra thing you have in common should be used to tighten your bond and strengthen your love for each other.  If one or both of you are bisexual, it’s not about someone being on the dreaded down-low or participating in some other form of infidelity even though, admittedly, these are often the only options that are open because who’d be crazy enough to give their bisexual partner free rein to express that other side of their sexuality or, if both of you are bisexual, gasp, open your relationship enough so that not only can both of you express your bisexuality, you can share the experiences together?

When we’re in a relationship, we often put too much emphasis on what our partner is supposed to be like than we do trying recognize – and accept – who they really are… or who they may have learned they really are at some later date in their life.  As a married man, yes, I “expect” my wife to be into me, to have my back and, yep, lay that good stuff on me as if she’s lost her mind… but my current wife is also bisexual and if she were of a mind to wreck shop on a woman she found desirable, well, who am I to deny her that pleasure?

If one or both of you are bi, the biggest mistake you can make with this is trying to tell your partner that they can’t be bisexual and laying on all the expected threats along those lines.  Instead of getting the “compliance” you might expect, what you’re really doing is sowing the seeds of discontent and that’s just not going to do your relationship a damned bit of good unless, of course, you like listening to your partner repeatedly telling you, “You’re not the boss of me!”

You do have a choice:  You can do this the easy way, i.e., sit down and have an intelligent and meaningful discussion about this… or you can do it the hard way and act as if you don’t have a civilized bone in your body (a polite way of saying you’re acting like a damned fool idiot) – which thing is preferable?  Sadly, I’ve been on the receiving end of a woman’s, ah, dislike of my sexuality, from being mislabeled as gay (being called a faggot) to her assumption that my sexuality has something to do with her, oh, like, I don’t like sleeping with her, I like the way guys have oral sex with me more than the way she does it and other things that are just insane… and very hurtful, I might add.

Since this seems to be the “default behavior” for a lot of people who discover a bisexual in their midst, it’s no wonder a lot of bisexuals in a relationship will keep their mouths shut about what’s going on with them.  At the risk of offending someone, if you discover you’re with a bisexual and you fly off the handle, uh, you’re not as grown up as you think you are, I’m sorry to say; the real grownups will first take the news in stride and after some deep conversation about it all, ask their partner, “So, baby, what do you wanna do now?” – and then ask the question because love almost demands that the question be asked… and even if they answer, “Nothing – I just wanted you to know!”

By the way, if one or both of you are bisexual, you don’t have to do anything about it… but I’m not gonna lie to you and say that it can’t be fun doing something provided you both have your heads in that very grown up place and the place that says, “Baby, it doesn’t matter if you want to sleep with a guy/gal when you need to; what does matter is that I love you; I trust you; and, well, if I truly love you as much as I say I do, there’s not a lot I wouldn’t do for the sake of your happiness and, in turn, my own…”

If one or both of you are bisexual, it’s really no big deal… unless you make it a big deal and, seriously, why would you want to do that and more so if you love each other?  It’s funny… when we get into a relationship, we like to tell the other person that they have to accept the good and the bad about ourselves – and that’s usually not a problem until the “B” word comes up… and I’ve seen (and have had) relationships get torn asunder because the situation couldn’t be handled in an intelligent, rational way and that didn’t happen because we do tend to let our fears make us foolish and we certainly tend to fear that which we don’t really understand.

If one or both of you are bisexual, you are cordially invited to be better than that, to see the commonality the two of you now have and then have the foresight and, indeed, the courage to take it all as a positive and just love each other a whole lot more.  It’s not the end of the world… but it could be the start of a very interesting and fulfilling journey together.

KDaddy23

Contributing Author and Wearer of Other Hats

Your Boyfriend or Husband Thinks He’s Bi…

Your husband says “Honey, I think I’m bisexual.” or “Honey, I think I’m bi curious.”

What do you do? Would you flip out?

Would you ask questions?

What would you say to him?

How do you think you’d react?

I decided to write this article because I’ve heard many stories from bisexual men and the challenges they face with dating women, as well the issues they face in along-term relationships and marriages to women when it comes to disclosing to their sexual identity or homoerotic thoughts and feelings.

Maybe only a few times, literally a few, I’ve heard supportive stories.

They all say the same thing.

Women are very judgmental, harsh and quick to devalue a man who identifies as anything other than heterosexual. Especially women of color. 

According to the many men I’ve heard from women question a man’s manhood and his strength as a man if he sleeps with other men. Women are quick to assume, accuse and degrade men who disclose that they are bisexual.

Bi guys go through a lot in the process of  telling their girlfriend or spouse about homoerotic feelings because of the fear of fierce judgement from the person they love the most.

It’s so disheartening to hear so many men would rather live a lie, lie to their loved ones or suffer because of fear. I truly and sincerely wish women would open their minds. Guys need and deserve to be heard, loved and supported just as women do. 

It’s okay to experience whatever negative emotions the statement may invoke. It really is.

The one thing I hear the most is women seem to forget is that males are humans with feelings too.

Somewhere in there it’s lost on women that the words that they say and their actions may cut men deeper than they realize.

He is divulging something that was probably very hard to talk about for him.

He probably thought about how he was going to tell you long and hard before even approaching you.

Approaching you in itself may have been the hardest part for him.

He probably was very nervous about your reaction to what he had to say.

He thinks enough of you and your relationship to come to you being truthful and honest truth about his feelings and he is trusting you with something that’s not always easy to deal with for some.

Homoerotic feelings can be very difficult for some men to deal with.

Especially men who live in a world that is constructed for them along with guidelines of who they should be, what they should be like and who they should sleep with, courtesy of heterosexual society.

Why would  you be harsh to someone in such a vulnerable state?

If for no other reason than to be kind to your fellow human, ladies I implore you to not react in a way that makes him hurt or feel bad about himself.

He may already be hurting over his realization.

He may already feel bad about himself and his sexual identity.

He doesn’t need your help increasing those feelings.

Screaming, yelling, crying, accusing, assuming are among the worst things to do at that moment, which is another common reaction according to the many bi men I’ve heard speak on the topic.

Asking questions, remaining calm, discussing  his thoughts, feelings and actions if he’s taken any makes much more sense than an emotional reaction.

Supposing you say to yourself Jay Dee’s crazy, if my husband ever tells me something like that I’m definitely flipping out.

So let’s take a look at that.

He discloses he’s bisexual or thinks he may be. You decide to scream, yell, cry, accuse him of sleeping with men, assuming he’s having unprotected sex and he just sits listening to you rant.

Now it’s his turn to speak and he tells you more.

He thinks he may be bi because he saw a guy he thought was cute in passing. Nothing more.

Maybe he tells you he’s watched bi or gay porn and some things turned him on. Nothing more.

Maybe he stuck his finger up his ass while masturbating out of curiosity, he came like never before and it piqued his interest in having anal sex performed on him. Nothing more.

The point being, he may have not even acted on thoughts and feelings and he’s coming to YOU his main support, the person closest to him, his partner, his wife, to discuss these feelings and thoughts.  

You’re who he considers his main confidant and he’s trusting you to be able to talk this out with him.

If you blow up on him you might not ever get a chance to find out what his thoughts and feeling are. He can possibly become defensive, emotional or even withdraw from you.

If you do blow up it can also be like adding fuel to a fire.

It can cause him to act on his feelings without regard to you and blame you for his actions.

What if your explosion leads him to act on his desires without telling you, using the reasoning you would have blown up if he tried to talk to you because he already tried and that didn’t work out so well?

I have a very analytical mind so I love the details.

It allows me to get the full picture.

I want to hear what my husband has to say.

I married this guy. I have to live with him till death do us part, for better and for worse.

I want to know every single thing I can about him, he’s my life partner.

I love hearing how he compiles his thoughts when he shares them. I always ask questions and more questions 🙂

I love hearing his feelings & his fantasies, exploring them with him. Talking about hypothetical situations and such.

He’s a quiet guy and doesn’t say much so when he does talk, I enjoy listening. But that’s me and my husband.

It works well for us.

I get to know his most inner being which makes loving him all that much more complete, but that’s how I see things at least.

So now, let’s shift gears a bit.

Let’s say you remain calm, you sit him down and ask questions. He answers them honestly and you find out things you reeeeeeeally would rather have not known.

Suppose he did have sexual relations with another man without you knowing. Say he has had unprotected sex with other men. Say he has been having a relationship with another man for a while or some other really hurtful disclosure.

Again, reacting emotionally won’t get to the bottom of the issue. Asking more questions and gaining an understanding of your partner in life is the ultimate goal.

How you and your husband deal with the information he’s divulged to you and the conversations you guys have is totally between you two.

Women, I implore you to ask questions, listen, try your best to gain an understanding of your husband or boyfriend. 

Men need support too. Even if you don’t agree.

It’s okay to disagree. It’s not okay to hurt someone because of their sexual identity. 

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

Bisexuality Day

Three days ago, it was not only my 60th birthday, but it was Bisexuality Day as well and I thought it fitting that bisexuals all over the world got a day we could call our own and, yep, my birthday and a day which I celebrate my own bisexuality.

I got to thinking, however, that bisexuals should celebrate their sexuality each and every day and not just wait until my birthday and a 24-hour chance to express themselves.  If anything, this particular day gives one a chance to just sit and think about their sexuality, how it impacts their lives, how it affects their emotions, the way they think and, let’s not forget, the way they interact with their partner – boyfriend, spouse, significant other.

One of the things you’ll see me say a lot is that bisexuality just isn’t always about doing something about it – it’s a way to be, a way to think, and a way to see the world in a different way.  We should celebrate every single moment of our bisexual lives; we should cherish that which makes us all unique and, yeah, be proud of the fact that we can dare to be different and that despite what’s been buzzing around on the Internet these days, we do exist.

Did I mention that being bisexual is just too much fun?  I don’t know about a lot of other folks, but I live to be bisexual; I enjoy the delicious rush of freedom and liberation that comes with being bisexual; I celebrate Bisexuality Day every moment of every day and because it has to be celebrated in this fashion and not just on a single day.  When we celebrate, our minds should always be on the positives and never the negatives; we should always be sure of ourselves and our destiny and we should always be unafraid to be different from everyone else.

Yes, there are some downsides that have to be overcome – self-acceptance and acceptance by those closest to us… but these things can be overcome and you don’t even have to do it by yourself because there are folks like me and Jay Dee who are here to give you all the support we can and to remind you that you are never alone in this.

If that’s not cause to celebrate, I don’t know what is.  Do what I do:  Celebrate Bisexuality Day every day instead of just once a year!

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author and wearer of other hats

Bi Visibility Week

All this week I’ve been browsing, reading, watching and reflecting on bisexuality, this blog, the role we all play in the bi community, the great people I’ve encountered in this BiWifeLife/LivingBi journey. So much more has been rolling around in my head.

To do Our part in contributing to BiVisibility Week myself and my husband will be going to the play My Brother’s A Keeper and I’m working on the last finishing touches of our transition to Living Bi from BiWifeLife. 🙂

In celebration of BiVisibility Week and BiWifeLife’s Transition I’d like to take the time to recap Our journey to this place of inclusion and thank everyone who’s helped Us get to this point.

As you all know, this space was first created by myself just blogging about issues I felt related to being a bisexual married woman.

I was living a VERY isolated biwifelife 😦 and wanted to get it all out somewhere.

As I was writing posts I found the need to connect with other BiWives and connect other BiWives with each other vs. just spilling my feelings into cyberspace and still have no insight besides my own.

I decided to reach out to others here. At first I didn’t think anyone would comment on my posts.

To my surprise folks started commenting.

Then they started commenting on comments to my posts and “talking” to each other!

Like, we really started growing! 😀 I didn’t expect it to happen that  way in the least. I surely didn’t see Us being where we are today.

“When I started blogging I really thought I was alone. It felt like I was the only married woman who is actively and insistently bisexual despite being married. I thought I was a weirdo, a pervert, sexually skewed or morally corrupt. Like I was just this horrible wife in the eyes of society due to my sexuality and everyone else who was bi understood how to be straight, gay or lesbian when they got married but me. Like, I just didn’t know how to be a wife, despite doing everything I could to be the best wife I could be because I couldn’t see a world without having relationships with both men and women. I can only thank God I was finally truly blessed with a husband who fits me perfectly and he understands my entire being.” -Jay Dee 

I’m bisexual, always have been and I just don’t know how to be anything other than myself. The being within my skin is just not heterosexual despite my desire for a traditional marriage and family life. I just can’t make myself or pray myself or hope myself unqueer.

It doesn’t work, I’ve tried.

My husband Kenny was and is my number one supporter in this journey. He’s my sounding board, my consultant, my encouragement, my rock. When I wanted to just delete the blog because it became too much to handle alone, he told me the thousand reasons why I could do no such thing…ever, lol. He pushed me to find help, it was bleak for a while there but then others came on board. Those were the very early days.

We’re still here thanks to hubby and now more than ever I understand deeply why this blog is here to stay 🙂

So, over time a few great people volunteered to contribute articles and greet new commenters. After a while we even had an awesome Editor. Ah, but time changes everything. People’s lives change, situations change. Some who started with Us aren’t here anymore. Others are here dilligently.

I thank you all @msstephanieelise @mercedesjet @kdaddy23 @meredithlee11 & my husband Kenny for being pioneers with me 🙂 

This past NYC Pride March we met so many varying perspectives of the purple flag through promoting this blog. It’s an ongoing amazing experience I’m grateful for and it’s really eye opening to the diversity we are as a collective.

Many years ago I was very involved in the LGBT community in NYC. Then I left. I had many reasons. I was transitioning from primarily masculine presentation to primarily feminine presentation, I was going through a spiritual transition as well and had many questions about myself.

I took time away.

Just coming back into the community I realize bisexuals are STILL a majority considered a minority. 😦

Bisexuals are STILL pushed into the shadows, erased, used for funding, used as props in political agendas and so much more is done on the backs of the B in the pride acronym. I’ve seen more examples of this than I’ve cared to witness in the past few years and it’s infuriating! I don’t know if I want to actually become an advocate for the bisexual community or not or if I already have…but I’m grateful I can do my part to offer a safe space for bisexual people in relationships.

Bisexual humans are discriminated against in so many ways in the LGTAQI Community. Yes, I meant to leave the B out, as intentional as those who leave the B out intentionally.

I didn’t want this space to feel constrained and exclusive.

We had so many inquiries from so many varying humans who consider themselves bisexuals who are in long term relationships to participate Our online community how could I say no?!

Sooooo…

Viola! 

Living Bi, A space for all bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and marriages. 🙂

In this journey before and during Our transition I’ve met and would like to thank Executive Directors and Founders of great organizations such as Sarah at The Brooklyn Community Pride Center, Donne at S.I.S.T.A.H , J. Christopher and his crew at FluidBiDesign/MenKind, Dr. Heru Khuti of The CENTER FOR CULTURE SEXUALITY and SPIRITUALITY all the wonderful folks at BiRequest, The New York Area Bisexual Network, Bi-Perspective, and so many others who have helped me and continue to guide me along the way. I’m always looking forward to building new alliances and affiliations. 

I’d also like to thank ALL of our dedicated Readers and Commenters for your continued support. Without you we wouldn’t be the community we are!

LivingBi has gotten so much support from EVERYONE in the Bi Community.

Everyone I’ve encountered thus far has been extremely helpful offering information, suggestions and even helping me roll around ideas for the blog.

I’d like to thank my mentor. She’s always there and always willing to help with so much information and inspiration. I can’t thank you enough for everything, you know who you are. 🙂

Everyone I’ve met has the same intention & goals, to support our fellow Queer and/or Bisexual human.

I can only hope Living Bi can continue to grow with the needs of our readers. We are only a few Administrators here and we’re all overwhelmed with life outside of Living Bi.

We each have our roles here and we’re are at capacity with what we can do.

As we grow we need more people to get involved behind the scenes to make Living Bi a lively supportive place and a resource ALL bisexual folks know they can come to for the issues they face as bisexual humans in long term relationships. 

We need more help from YOU to keep this blog running and our community growing.

Volunteers of a wide and varying capacity from back end Tech and Contributors to Chapter Leaders are needed to support our growth and growing readership.

Lend your time, energy, expertise, words, images, whatever you feel you can to help Us support all bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and marriages year round.

Every week is BiVisibility in my world and the world of many of the people I mentioned above, not just this week.

Many of us within the Bisexual Community work hard to bring the issues and needs of bisexual humans to the light of the public eye.

Here at Living Bi our goal is to continue to bring Us together out of the shadows of stigmas, labels, negative public perception, self chosen hiding and so many other social oppressions we face as bisexual humans in long term relationships.

In observance of Bi Visibility Week I’d like thank The entire NYC Bisexual Community and it’s Leaders on behalf of all Living Bi Contributors for the spaces you’ve created physically and in society, the organizations you’ve built and all the work  you’ve done to pave the way for people like me, like Our readers and the many other bi folks out there who don’t even know there’s a community to support them yet.

Thanks for giving Living Bi a place to call home NYC 🙂

#ImStillBi #BiVisibility #BiVisibilityNYC

-Jay Dee, Founder

Welcome to LivingBi!

For those of you who may not have heard of me, I’m Rob, better known as KDaddy, (my own blog can be found at http://kdaddy23.wordpress.com) and I’m honored to be able to welcome everyone to the new and improved site that has been rededicated to be a place where all bisexuals, both male and female, who are in a relationship can congregate and, well, be bisexual – but we’re not a dating site; think of us a more of a safe haven, if you will.

When our gracious hostess, Jay Dee, contacted me about the site being more “all inclusive” when it came to bisexuals in a relationship so that the fellas can also participate in our ongoing discussions about bisexuality, I was immediately on board with it.  Like many of you, I know all too well what it’s like to be bisexual and trying to deal with living in monogamous, heterosexual world and with either a straight or bisexual woman by your side as well as just how much doing this can, plainly, mess with your head because, under the current rules of relationships, you’re just not supposed to ever talk about such things – but you can do that here.

My role, other than being one of the Contributing Editors, is to let all the bisexual guys who are in a relationship know that you are, indeed, welcome here and, yes, even if you’re not bisexual but involved with a bisexual woman that you’re trying to understand.  Come join with us; share your stories and your concerns and while we may not have all the answers, know that you are not alone in this – you’ve never been alone – because there are so many of us who are in need of a place we can go to – and without fear of persecution or reprisal – in order to get the answers we may be searching for or just be able to express yourself with your words and without worrying about being judged as being immoral or just outright weird because of your sexuality or the sexuality of the person who holds your heart.

Back when this site was known as “BiWifeLife,” I recall asking Jay Dee if it was okay for me to comment because, um, I’m not a bi wife… but I am bisexual and the husband of a bisexual.  And she did welcome me and because there are, in fact, a lot of men who have something to contribute to the conversation, it just made sense to make them feel welcome, too.

So here’s me welcoming you and it’s my hope that you come and hang out with us because there’s so much we can learn from each other; it’s always been my belief that bisexuality isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be!  I’m excited about this and I can’t wait to make your acquaintance and interact with every one of you!

Bisexually yours,

KDaddy23

Contributing Author

My Brother’s A Keeper – NYC Staged Reading for Bisexual Awareness Week

Hello all readers!

I had the pleasure of the most wonderful telephone meetings with Dr. Dr. Herukhuti.

First and foremost he’s an awesomely supportive individual. I’d seen a post in the New York Area Bisexual Network about a play that was casting bi folks for a bi play. 😀

My initial contact with him came the day I tried out by phone, reading lines to the man who wrote the play himself!

I was so nervous but I tried my best. When I floundered he encouraged me to continue and assured me I was doing good. After the reading him and I engaged in a most enlightening and freeing conversation.

I didn’t get selected for the play but he was kind enough to call me and tell me personally. He also extended the offer to BiWifeLife (at that time) to be a sponsor for his play. He was even kind enough to offer his assistance on the name change when the time came along with J. Christopher of FluidBiDesign/MenKind. 🙂

My husband and I read the script together and to be perfectly honest the play reflects so many facets of our lives it’s like I could have written it myself! I can’t give away any spoilers, you have to come out and see it for yourself 🙂

I STRONGLY encourage ALL Bi people & supporters, men, women, gender non conforming and trans, to come out and watch the play.

It’s an amazing play, believe me I know the script in detail.

“My Brother’s Keeper touches on many of the issues bi people face such as stigma, under educated friends and family, safe sex practices in non monogamy, honesty & communication within relationships and so much more.”

-Jay Dee, Founder LivingBi (formerly BiWifeLife)

My Brother’s Keeper

Dr. Herukhuti is a clinical sociologist, cultural studies scholar, and traditional African shaman who focuses on sexuality, gender, and spirituality themes within the African Diaspora. His work has been published and anthologized in various academic and popular contexts including Sexualities, Journal of Bisexuality, ARISE Magazine, and Ma-Ka Diasporic Juks: Contemporary Writings by Queers of African Descent.

Our Visit To The Doctor & Bi Stigma

After publishing the article Coming Out To Your Doctor  my husband and I felt it was time to go have ourselves tested for STD’s and HIV.

Instead of setting up appointments with our primary care physicians and possibly waiting weeks to have the testing done we decided to go with a local public health resource.

We called in, did our preregistration over the phone then headed down to the testing clinic.

There were a few things about our visit that really brought home the Bi stigma.

Over the past almost year I’ve had the pleasure of working with an organization that focuses on the health needs and rights of those in the Sex Trades/Adult Entertainment Industry.

A part of my work with this organization was to give lectures/presentations to health care providers and social service providers regarding etiquette when dealing with lines of questioning regarding sex work and sexual partner history.

In other words, the doc had no idea she would be seeing a very well educated patient on protocol and politics of her field.

The nurse and the doctor both made offensive mistakes that are common in health care settings when dealing with sexuality and health.

Our visit yesterday was an example of the exact reason why I became so involved in the organization I was working with. Regardless of sexual identity, sexual practices/tendencies or gender identity, selling sex as a business or survival,  all people deserve courteous respectful health care. All humans. Period. 

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Pre-Screening 

We came to the clinic together, registered together and saw the nurse as well as doctor together. When going through the screening process we were approached with the assumption we were straight and monogamous because we are married and presenting together for testing.

The nurse did screen us both individually but at the same time in the same room.

I knew what questions were coming and I wanted to see how my husband would answer. He’s not the talkative type, doesn’t like going to the doctor much and he’s somewhat still somewhat shy about his sexuality. I knew he’d be flustered by the screening questions but instead of answering for him (which is usually his preference) I just waited to see how he’d deal with them.

After a few basic questions THE question came:

“You’re married,  you’re here with your wife… so you only have sex with women…or men and women?” The question was posed with the assumption of the answer but asked anyway.

She looked at me, he looked at me, I looked at him…and waited for his reply.

He tried to figure out the right way to say it and finally said: “Men and women.”

She looked at me, then back to him.

She asked what kind of specific sexual acts does he indulge in with men. He looked at me again. Again, I didn’t say a word. I really wanted to see how this would play out.

He answered her questions (those q’s and a’s are personal, thank you 😉 )

She asked: “What about protection? Do you use protection?”

He explained to her NEVER has he done ANYTHING sexual with a male without a condom. Ever. She looked at me, I confirmed what he said, condoms always.

The next question is one that really irks me in so many ways for so many reasons as a Health Care professional.

She asked him: “How many sexual partners have you had in the last 6 months?”

Again, he looked at me, I looked at him.

He said: “Babe, can you answer this one, I mean I can but I can’t. You’re better at this kind of stuff. You tell her.”

I said:  “No, come up with an answer on your own, this is your screening process.”

I explained to the nurse what I’d been doing over the past year and my education. I also explained to her it was very, very interesting to me to observe a patient actually experiencing the screening process. As an advocate I’m not in the room with the patient, I’m on the front lines educating and fighting these policies to be changed.

ought about our recent trysts and ultimately said “Babe, I don’t know what to say.”

I reminded him he did not have to say anything. He could elect to not answer any questions during the screening process and that is one question I personally refuse to answer.

It has no medical bearing whatsoever. It’s used as a tool for the medical provider to get an idea of your sexual life and possible risks you may be facing that you may not know about as a patient.

The question is not pertinent even if the patient is symptomatic of an STD or HIV at the time of the visit.

The answer is not a factor that can be used in urgent or immediate treatment of symptoms or disease.

It’s not relevant to the testing process in and of itself.

It’s not relevant to treatment for any health issues.

The ONLY TIME this question is pertinent is when it is necessary to provide partner notification in case of infectious disease.

Other than that it’s a useless question that can create bias and preconceived judgement in the mind of the health care provider potentially creating a hostile environment for the patient.

I choose not to indulge and have taken that stance since my first STD screening test as a teenager although I get scientifically why the question is a part of the standard screening process. If I did test positive for an infectious disease I’d disclose whatever info needed for partner notification instantly. No arguments from me there.

But in reality, who ever tells the truth on that question anyway?

Any scientific data collected from whatever clinic(s) from that question would be really questionable. The data is not verifiable and it’s not solid information to base research off of.

Anyway, I was screened by the nurse after he was.

Again the question regarding do I sleep with men only or men and women. I answered I engaged in sexual activity with both males and females.

She looked from him to me and back to him.

We explained we’re both bisexual and we do a lot of speaking, educating, etc on bisexuality in marriages and long term relationships. She was visibly shocked.

She then went on to ask the rest of the same questions of me she asked him. I answered what was pertinent to care only. She knew from his screening process don’t ask me clinically useless questions and she didn’t, she skipped right over them. 🙂

My husband and I both elected to take the OraQuick Rapid HIV test.

We were given an applicator with a swab on the end, instructed to swab our gums on each side top and bottom. Then all we had to do was wait 20 minutes for the results…

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His Doctor…

She was friendly enough, really kind face, soothing voice, relaxed appearance despite her traditional businesslike black slacks and white shirt. She would be doing my husband’s screening, exam and testing I would be seeing another provider for the same. She didn’t mind my sitting in.

The doc wanted to go over the screening questions again.

We explained we’re a both bisexual couple who has sex with other men and women, together using protection always. We’ve never done anything without a condom ever just to bring her up to speed and avoid the same questions again.

She asked a few specific screening questions one more time to get more of an idea of our sex life. We reiterated we use protection always with other men when asked yet another time in a differently phrased question.

After she’d finished her inquiry the doctor then began to tell us both the dangers of men who sleep with men.

She went on and on about how men who kiss other men can get diseases they wouldn’t get if they weren’t kissing other men, she explained how men who get or give men oral without condoms can get diseases other people don’t get and of course all the many dangers of anything anal between two men.

Then the doctor told me and my husband that there is a disease called Nisseria Meningitis that is spreading in  our town of Brooklyn among men who come in ” very close proximity with, but not necessarily intimacy or physical touching with other men and it’s “VERY deadly, fast acting and easily spread”.

(click the above link to read ALL about the “outbreak”, I encourage you to do so for your own understanding.)

She felt we should be vaccinated against this disease because we were at risk since my husband is bisexual and we live in Brooklyn.

Needless to say I pulled out my phone and researched right away while declining the vaccination until I knew more.

I’d interrupted her a few times during her explanation of the risks of my husband’s sexuality to explain to her I wasn’t a laymen but a colleague, another experienced HIV/AIDS Educator, a current student of Health Care Management and I’ve been working on and around legislative advocacy surrounding Health Care rights in NYC for about a year now!

She explained she was an HIV specialist and she knew what she was talking about despite my background.

How could she know I just spoke at the End AIDS Conference in Philly only a couple months ago on several panels? One of my passions in life is HIV transmission prevention and education and I’ve been volunteering for speaking engagements and teaching opportunities since my early teens. I lost almost all my teenage friends to the disease in the 90’s. I volunteer my education, time and experience on the topic wherever possible.

I was beyond upset.

I was really pissed and ready to call the Director of the facility to offer training to his staff, at no cost! They needed it dearly!

In my mind all I could think was what she’s describing is a public health concern not a bisexual male or Men who Sleep with Men (MSM) health concern.

If this disease is transmitted by close proximity only  then someone should alert the Department of Health and notify the public of this new soon to be epidemic was my thinking.

I’m sure bisexual men take public transportation, go to work daily, eat out, attend recreational activities in public. If MSM have this special disease that’s airborne and spreads easily THIS WHOLE CITY would be infected by now! 

What about family members of MSM who are near each other often?

How about the people MSM’s live with, can they get it too?

Can they spread it too?

It’s this kind of medical misinformation that could have a less informed patient shaking in his boots after a visit with the doctor. (The link to the medical research on the meningitis outbreak in Bklyn is highlighted above. No need to panic NY’kers, it’s nowhere near as serious as she implied. We won’t be taking the vaccine.)

The doc then examined my husband’s penis for any lesions, discharge, etc. During the exam despite him informing her he’d used protection always she insisted on swabbing the back of his throat to test for diseases because “Men who have sex with other men can get infections in their throats much easier, even if you have used a condom and there has been no exposure.”

Huh? What? Can we say Bi stigma again?

Remind you of something?

HIV in the 80’s much?

I was sent steaming into the next exam room to wait for the other physician who had my chart to examine me.

When my doctor came I explained my husband and I were in for testing together. He didn’t go over my screening and I’d given urine already.

We’d been there about 4 hours. We had a meeting at 5:30pm and it took about an hour commute to get to our location- it was 4:30pm.

By the time “my” doctor was available I had no more time or patience for the process any longer and I wasn’t willing to be late to my 5:30 meeting.

We had to leave, I wouldn’t be able to stay for a full exam.

It was explained to me by “my” doctor if our test results came back abnormal we’d be contacted via email or phone.

If we didn’t hear back in 3-5 days everything is normal but we could inquire about our results if we’d like confirmation. I had no symptoms or complaints so a full exam wasn’t necessary.

I intend to schedule an annual GYN with my regular health care provider for a full exam this coming week.

(originally written 9/7/2015)

-Jay Dee, Founder

Transition Name Change VOTE HERE