Your husband says “Honey, I think I’m bisexual.” or “Honey, I think I’m bi curious.”
What do you do? Would you flip out?
Would you ask questions?
What would you say to him?
How do you think you’d react?
I decided to write this article because I’ve heard many stories from bisexual men and the challenges they face with dating women, as well the issues they face in along-term relationships and marriages to women when it comes to disclosing to their sexual identity or homoerotic thoughts and feelings.
Maybe only a few times, literally a few, I’ve heard supportive stories.
They all say the same thing.
Women are very judgmental, harsh and quick to devalue a man who identifies as anything other than heterosexual. Especially women of color.
According to the many men I’ve heard from women question a man’s manhood and his strength as a man if he sleeps with other men. Women are quick to assume, accuse and degrade men who disclose that they are bisexual.
Bi guys go through a lot in the process of telling their girlfriend or spouse about homoerotic feelings because of the fear of fierce judgement from the person they love the most.
It’s so disheartening to hear so many men would rather live a lie, lie to their loved ones or suffer because of fear. I truly and sincerely wish women would open their minds. Guys need and deserve to be heard, loved and supported just as women do.
It’s okay to experience whatever negative emotions the statement may invoke. It really is.
The one thing I hear the most is women seem to forget is that males are humans with feelings too.
Somewhere in there it’s lost on women that the words that they say and their actions may cut men deeper than they realize.
He is divulging something that was probably very hard to talk about for him.
He probably thought about how he was going to tell you long and hard before even approaching you.
Approaching you in itself may have been the hardest part for him.
He probably was very nervous about your reaction to what he had to say.
He thinks enough of you and your relationship to come to you being truthful and honest truth about his feelings and he is trusting you with something that’s not always easy to deal with for some.
Homoerotic feelings can be very difficult for some men to deal with.
Especially men who live in a world that is constructed for them along with guidelines of who they should be, what they should be like and who they should sleep with, courtesy of heterosexual society.
Why would you be harsh to someone in such a vulnerable state?
If for no other reason than to be kind to your fellow human, ladies I implore you to not react in a way that makes him hurt or feel bad about himself.
He may already be hurting over his realization.
He may already feel bad about himself and his sexual identity.
He doesn’t need your help increasing those feelings.
Screaming, yelling, crying, accusing, assuming are among the worst things to do at that moment, which is another common reaction according to the many bi men I’ve heard speak on the topic.
Asking questions, remaining calm, discussing his thoughts, feelings and actions if he’s taken any makes much more sense than an emotional reaction.
Supposing you say to yourself Jay Dee’s crazy, if my husband ever tells me something like that I’m definitely flipping out.
So let’s take a look at that.
He discloses he’s bisexual or thinks he may be. You decide to scream, yell, cry, accuse him of sleeping with men, assuming he’s having unprotected sex and he just sits listening to you rant.
Now it’s his turn to speak and he tells you more.
He thinks he may be bi because he saw a guy he thought was cute in passing. Nothing more.
Maybe he tells you he’s watched bi or gay porn and some things turned him on. Nothing more.
Maybe he stuck his finger up his ass while masturbating out of curiosity, he came like never before and it piqued his interest in having anal sex performed on him. Nothing more.
The point being, he may have not even acted on thoughts and feelings and he’s coming to YOU his main support, the person closest to him, his partner, his wife, to discuss these feelings and thoughts.
You’re who he considers his main confidant and he’s trusting you to be able to talk this out with him.
If you blow up on him you might not ever get a chance to find out what his thoughts and feeling are. He can possibly become defensive, emotional or even withdraw from you.
If you do blow up it can also be like adding fuel to a fire.
It can cause him to act on his feelings without regard to you and blame you for his actions.
What if your explosion leads him to act on his desires without telling you, using the reasoning you would have blown up if he tried to talk to you because he already tried and that didn’t work out so well?
I have a very analytical mind so I love the details.
It allows me to get the full picture.
I want to hear what my husband has to say.
I married this guy. I have to live with him till death do us part, for better and for worse.
I want to know every single thing I can about him, he’s my life partner.
I love hearing how he compiles his thoughts when he shares them. I always ask questions and more questions 🙂
I love hearing his feelings & his fantasies, exploring them with him. Talking about hypothetical situations and such.
He’s a quiet guy and doesn’t say much so when he does talk, I enjoy listening. But that’s me and my husband.
It works well for us.
I get to know his most inner being which makes loving him all that much more complete, but that’s how I see things at least.
So now, let’s shift gears a bit.
Let’s say you remain calm, you sit him down and ask questions. He answers them honestly and you find out things you reeeeeeeally would rather have not known.
Suppose he did have sexual relations with another man without you knowing. Say he has had unprotected sex with other men. Say he has been having a relationship with another man for a while or some other really hurtful disclosure.
Again, reacting emotionally won’t get to the bottom of the issue. Asking more questions and gaining an understanding of your partner in life is the ultimate goal.
How you and your husband deal with the information he’s divulged to you and the conversations you guys have is totally between you two.
Women, I implore you to ask questions, listen, try your best to gain an understanding of your husband or boyfriend.
Men need support too. Even if you don’t agree.
It’s okay to disagree. It’s not okay to hurt someone because of their sexual identity.
-Jay Dee, Founder