What BiWifeLife!? Heteronormalcy Takes Over -_-

Bad blogger, bad blogger! There, I’ve chastised myself for you. :/ I’ve thought of you very frequently. I’ve tried to get to you night after night. No matter how much you’re on my mind, I just haven’t been able get to you.

I’ve had so much to tell you! So many thoughts to share…Life just hasn’t given me room. Life hasn’t given me room for myself! My husband and I barely even have time for intimacy let alone our BiLives! When we do find ourselves approaching intimacy it’s urgent, intense and infrequent :/ We have found our own ways of supplementing our bi desires without others. Essentially we’ve become unwittingly heterosexual & monogamous.

In recent years my career has taken off in ways I could never conceive. I work in Research & Social Justice. Just this past week I was on national radio, a month ago I established a consulting business at the urging of my colleagues and I am being urged to publish a book before Fall.

I’ve been encouraged to take my work to the state level by all I’ve encountered in my professional trajectory and I am really considering running for local office.

That’s a huge change from my days of sitting at home blogging after dinner or after everyone was in bed 5 years ago!

I’ve returned to school which is beyond demanding as a Crime Intelligence Analysis major. After dinner I’m buried baby bed time madness then legalese until the wee hours of the morning.

When I started this blog I was a mom and wife with nowhere to connect with other bisexual wives. I was not working full time, I did not have babies, I was not in school full time.

I had no idea where to meet other bi wives.

I’ve since learned there were other communities when I started BiWifeLife. Back then I was unaware. I started this space not really expecting any response.

I had no idea people would actually come to the site. I had no idea people would actually begin to communicate with each other below posts in the comments, even though I wanted them to and encouraged connecting with others.

When stats started to skyrocket, I decided to launch a program on the ground at our local LGBT Center. I had dreams of a BiWives Clubs, pretty pink satin jackets with embroidery included. 🙂

Only one person who reads this blog has shown up to a BiSocial Gathering.

ONE.

Attendees of the monthly gathering saw our FB event or a flyer at the LGBT Center. Through the Center, my professional work began to mesh with my BiWife blogging. I told other Organizers and Advocates about the site. It was welcomed open arms into the LGBT Community in NYC.

From there, I searched and posted in countless places seeking volunteers to keep the site running. I saw my career & family trajectory and knew this was growing way too quick for one person to maintain.

No matter how much I posted, I didn’t get any responses for volunteers in any area. After months, finally two BiWifeLife readers decided they would like to help keep it running. At that juncture, I just couldn’t do it alone and the site was at risk of going under.

With new Contributing Authors and Moderators, the blog was able to keep running! Super Huge thanks to @meredithlee11 @mercedesjet @pinupgirlbeauty. Again, I had no real idea of what I was doing, this community just began to unfold before my eyes…and I loved it! I wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted people to support each other through the difficult life trials of living as a bisexual human in long term relationships or marriages.

I began to think about diversity in this space. There were MANY types of humans of varying genders and relationship structures who are bisexual, and married or involved in long term relationships.

We changed the name to LivingBi/BiWifeLife, opened up for more volunteers.

Nada. No responses.

Eventually a BiHusband with his own blog decided to step up and support the male identified readers. Super Huge thanks to you @kdaddy23🙂

Over time life took it’s hold on Our Contributing Authors. One of our contributing authors left after about a year, another kind of drifted away, KDaddy is still hanging in there with me but he has his own blog, and life.

As my family and career grew, the less I was able to post original articles and respond to readers. Countless nights I wanted to let my fingers fly across the keyboard and share thoughts, discuss issues with you all.

I left the space open for you all to connect with each other in my absence. Myself and others have been approving comments to allow for continued growth of the space.

OUR BILIVES

Here we are now. My husband and I live in Suburbia USA. We are the epitome of hetero-normalcy. With the passage of SESTA/FOSTA changing the internet as we know it, my husband and I are confused as to how we will meet others like ourselves as many of the sites we frequented are disappearing.

Being a heteronormal appearing both bisexual couple makes it VERY difficult to meet others with similar interests. Where we could once go online to meet others, that is quickly changing.

To Our loyal readers & commenters, we thank you for your continued support.

If you would like to volunteer as a Contributing Author or any other role to keep the community engaged, please send an email to biwifelife@gmail.com.

Tell me, has the recent change in internet dating accessibly impacted your BiLife at all?

Don’t forget to BROWSE, COMMENT, CONNECT with other readers! We’re always here in the background approving comments, trying to keep the community alive.

Wishing your relationships and inner beings peace, love and longevity!

-Jay Dee, Founder

Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That  says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.

Marriage.

I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved 🙂

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s  no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS…

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE WITH WEDDING RINGS ON FLIRTING…OR ATTEMPTING TO?

 

 

 

It’s Been a Long Time…

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a really long time. 😦

I’ve had to take time away to focus on career and family.

So much happened at once we just couldn’t believe it!

Career opportunities came at me left and right AND 4 of my daughters were pregnant at the same time!!!

There’s been a whirlwind of engagements, breakups, births & career climbing opportunities. I even returned to college 🙂

A lot’s been going on but the dust is settling a bit…just about.

A few nights ago my husband and I had a very honest conversation about our sexual needs & identities again, for the gazillionth time.

We’re a family of all queer folks, as usual we’re super hyped, it’s Pride month!

As I write, one of our our daughters just turned 8 months pregnant, she’s 24 and has a 15 month old. They live at home with us.

I’m in summer classes from hell…and we’re avidly working on buying a home out of state by this coming Fall *fingers crossed* ❤

We are at capacity with life and there’s no leisure time, no getaway time, barely any privacy and little time to sleep.

As a result of everything going on, my BiWifeLife and hubby’s BiHusbandLife has been way blah… 😦

Hubby and I haven’t had a bi encounter in months and we’re both at a point where NSA encounters just aren’t ‘it’ for us anymore, where they once fit our needs just right.

Over the past couple years, we’ve had no time for relationships, no time for building relationships.

Although we’re at capacity with life, at this juncture we’d love to have friends we could spend time with and get away from home/work/school & kids sometimes.

Our ideal situation would be a couple like ourselves, a both bi couple. A situation where the husbands, and the wives can bond over time 😉

Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near that simple.

“At times it’s very uncomfortable for us because we’re not viewed in the light we view ourselves-married but looking, for the same gender.” 

We’re both bisexual and feel very comfortable in Queer spaces.

Problem is, we show up with this level of hetero-normalcy that makes our Queer brothers and sisters question why we’re in a Queer space.

We are a man and a woman, obviously in love and married.

We’ve discussed wearing Bi Pride gear such as tee’s, rings, necklaces or bracelets. He’s just not the kind of guy to wear Bi gear no matter how I try to convince him…so far 😉

Today we discussed maybe going out separately for the first time ever. We both have no problem attracting either gender.

The problem with going out separately is, we’re madly in love. 

We love spending as much time together as possible. We have fun with each other. We don’t want to go out alone, as if we are single people. :/

In our experience men don’t tend to want men who are married unless it’s a DL/secret thing. Women don’t want a woman that has a husband-unless he has nothing to do with the relationship.

We don’t want to have relationships OUTSIDE of our marriage. We want relationships that are a PART of our marriage, with another male, and female. Preferably an interchangeable Quad. 

It would be nice to be with someone I feel comfortable kissing, him to find someone he can try new things with.

We’re both very health conscious and we both don’t want to be inhibited by protective measures, unknown variables and potential concerns.

Of course we want to be our freest selves with our partners, as we are with each other. We’re a bit unique in we both enjoy sharing our spouse with the same sex.

Our days and nights are frequently spent talking about, looking for and trying to figure out how we can find the partners we so strongly crave.

We have yet to come across a bi couple with a bi husband and bi wife who are both looking for same sex partners.

That’s our BiWife/BiHusband struggle at this point :/ Any suggestions?

-Jay Dee, Founder

LivingBi/BiWifeLife

Pride?

I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying ‘Pride is a sin’.

Over the years Gay Pride has become a hugely celebrated holiday in the US.

For those of us who are in hetero appearing relationships this time of year can be ultimately conflicting.

Especially for those of Us who are not ‘out’ to family and friends.

It’s a time when the country is talking about the Gay community a bit more than usual.

For those of us with Bi Invisibility those conversations can be VERY uncomfortable.

I cannot count how many times my husband and I have been around conversations concerning homosexuality and bisexuality where abrasive, homophobic words and thoughts were said.

It’s easy to get fired up and ‘come out’ by ‘accident’ in a heated conversation this time of year.

It’s a time many of Us choose to come out to loved ones around PRIDE.

Many bisexual humans involved in hereto appearing long term relationships don’t feel PRIDE has anything at all to do with Our lives.

I personally wish We had more visibility, more awareness, less stigma, more respect for the fact we do exist.

Despite my husband’s birthday falling on NYC PRIDE every year he has again selflessly decided to walk again in this year’s NYC PRIDE march in solidarity with all the BiHusbands of our City.

For now we will be the faces of you all who are still behind the walls of Bi Invisibility but We invite you all to march with us this and every year.

One of these years we’ll be on vacation somewhere privately celebrating his birthday, that year we hope to see you all representing while we’re away.

So far we’ve yet to break the walls that hide Us because it is you the readers who are crippled by societal stigma and fear, preventing Us from doing so.

You have not emailed us, you have not shown up, shown out or volunteered.

So many of you are still so deeply hidden. 😦

Our cause is not to shine a light on each of you personally but a light on Us as a whole within the LGBTQAI Community.

We do hope this year you’ll consider meeting Us in Manhattan tomorrow to march with Our signs, behind the Brooklyn Community Pride Center banner.

If not my hope in writing this article is to get you all to thinking about your own Bi Invisibility and how it hurts/helps your life & others who are still hiding in the shadows of stigma and societal perceptions.

I know my life is hurt because I am invisible and the girl of my dreams can’t see me…

Therefore I march for Our visibility.

-Jay Dee, Founder, LivingBi/BiWifeLife

I Want to Cheat!!!

Seems to be the common theme in these pages.

I haven’t written about cheating since our early days but with the high influx of comments from readers struggling with desires, urges, thoughts, feelings of cheating I feel it’s time to go over this again.

Let’s look at this from several angels.

#1- You cheat. Your spouse doesn’t find out. You win…or do you?

What’s done in the dark will come to the light. Maybe in softly spoken words in your sleep, an open, forgotten, unattended email account, a phone record, a text message, a smell, a look, an anything that can shatter your world in a millisecond can happen. Do you really want to risk your partner finding out one day…potentially?

If you’re willing to cheat also ask yourself are you ready to lose EVERYTHING you’ve built with your spouse?

Are you ready to change where you live, your friends, how your children see you, how your family sees you, how people at your place of worship will view you?

Are you ready to turn your whole life upside down because YOU ruined your marriage by cheating?

#2 You don’t cheat. You don’t tell your partner how you feel either. You become distant, you daydream, you late night internet search, you watch porn, you fantasize about your bisexual desires while having sex with your partner. Your partner notices the rift between you two, you refuse to talk about it now the rift becomes a chasm and shit gets tense in your marriage.

Why not talk about it?

How will your life change if you do talk about it?

Will talking about it yield a better possible outcome than not talking about it?

If you do talk about it how could your life improve?

If you don’t continue to talk about it will not talking about it make your bisexuality any less real?

Will your silence slowly dwindle your desires or secretly fuel them even more?

#3 You decide to talk about it and…

All hell breaks loose. Your partner can’t deal, your marriage is threatened and you feel you’ve made the worst mistake ever by opening your big mouth. In all reality, if your partner can’t love you for who you are the real question isn’t your bisexuality or your love for your partner, it’s your partner’s love for you. Nobody says your partner has to accept you sleeping with other people but your partner should love you enough to hear you out, respect your feelings and be willing to have a decent conversation about what you’re going through. If not you need to ask yourself are you really happy with someone you can’t talk to about your truest feelings?

OR

Your spouse listens. Your spouse asks questions. You and your spouse discuss options that fit your marriage best. You take your time and work things out and your marriage improves for the understand you’ve built.

There are SO MANY ways the conversation could go. You know your spouse, you know you. You know your relationship. You know your level of communication and understanding with your spouse.

Either way it goes, it’s wrong to cheat.

You know it, that’s why you haven’t done it yet.

You also know nothing good comes of cheating in the long run.

Cheating only yields immediate satisfaction, but then what?

Think about the ‘then what’ part.

Play the whole thing out, including the part where your spouse finds out, before you do anything at all.

Are you okay with the way the story ends?

-Jay Dee, Founder

What Does It All Mean?

Have you watched television recently? Have you listened to any news? Have you seen the world shift?

I have.

Queer, Gay, Lesbian is all around us. There are rainbows everywhere in the North East.

There are rainbows outside of businesses, in commercials, in cartoons for children…being Gay is okay today.

Is it okay to be bisexual now too?

Well, that depends on what you classify bisexual as, who you’re asking, what gender presentation you have, what gender your partner is…and the list goes on.

Huh? I thought Bisexual meant Bisexual and that’s that if I say that’s what I am.

There have been new letters added to the standard LGBT…now there’s QAI.

Politicians, Organizations, Grants, Funding, Professionals have all focused the spotlight on LGBTQAI Rights. There’s been a long standing movement that has moved many things, and created today’s ‘Queer friendly’ America.

It’s okay to be Transgender, it’s okay to be a Trans Youth today. Those who share their experiences are heralded as heroes and brave souls.

Ten, twenty years ago men were publicly shamed for being  cross dressers. I was a teen when RuPaul came along and changed that perspective. Still her presence didn’t change societal perception at that time. From then to now it has been a journey for Trans Rights.

What does that mean to those of us who don’t live a lifestyle that includes all the changes the world has made?

What does that mean to those of us who could NEVER come out as anything other than straight, other than a mom, a teacher, a wife, a husband, a role model?

What does that mean when we’re surrounded by people who DO NOT accept the progression of the LGBTQAI movement in America?

What does all of this mean for those of us who don’t even know what LGBTQAI means!?!?

Well…

There is a movement of people who have chosen this field of work (LGBTQAI Rights/Advocacy) to advance efforts to balance injustices in society. Those who fought for the basic right to exist in our own skins without prejudice, discrimination, stigma & violence.

I was one of those people who fought for the right to hold my girlfriend…and boyfriend’s hand in public, at the same time, without fear.

I wasn’t sure if I was Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual. I didn’t know if I was a freak like most of society said I was or a sexual deviant like I  thought I was. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a boy or I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body because I liked girls and wearing boys clothes or if I was still a girl and just a tomboy! I wasn’t sure if one day I’d catch a ‘gay disease’ and God would send me into a pit of burning brimstones because I was an abomination or not.

There was a movement of people way back before my mom could figure out her sexual identity, who were helping people work these kinds of questions out. They figured out what to call sets of preferences and behaviors so they could gain understanding from people who oppressed those with ‘alternative sexualities’.

I learned from the people who taught the world about LGBT at a young age, from the 2nd/3rd generation of LGBT folks in NYC:

L stood for Lesbian. Girls who liked girls and didn’t like boys were Lesbians. G stood for Gay, that meant a boy who liked boys and not girls. Then there was Bisexual, they were nasty, confused, slutty and just liked to have sex with everyone because they had sex with boys and girls. T stood for Transgender which was a new word being implemented in replacement of Drag Queens & Cross Dressers. They were not really a presence but more so a known entity. They were men who dressed and emulated women. I didn’t see them around The Center much (where I learned all this), but I saw them coming and going to and from clubs in the West Village.

Society condemned Us all to hell fire and brimstones, considered us a risk to public health, the institution of family and saw us as a threat to future generations/human evolution and population.

This was back in the 90’s.

Since then, the culture has changed. More and more people joined the movement for equality and fair treatment, new generations became involved, schools of thought progressed, things began to change over time with lots of boots to the ground fighting for progression. In an effort to teach the world we are not the horrible creatures ‘Old Society’ made Us out to be We began to define things, make things clear to folks.

Over time, scholars of the LGBT lifestyles were born, they were the elders from and on the front lines who taught those of Us behind them about who and what we are.

Language changed, ‘clearly’ defined labels for each set of sexual behaviors were laid out for society to understand.

People were beginning to be labeled because they needed to be & wanted to be. We wanted to understand ourselves so we put ourselves into boxes that looked like what we felt like on the inside and sometimes that box would change for some. Sometimes they stay in one box.

In today’s climate defining who/what you are/labeling yourself is still as difficult as it was in the 90’s when an definition other than heterosexual was unacceptable. Now there’s so many labels how do I know which one fits me?

Why do I need a label? Why do I have to wear a title?

What if it’s all not that clear cut and easy for me?

Good question…why do you?

I’m not ‘The Powers That Be’ in LGBTQAI politics nor am I a major decision maker in policy for the National LGBTQAI Community.

I do know that labels are given importance in ways I’m not necessarily comfortable with.

What Gender Queer means to me, may mean Bisexual Tomboy to you, but Bisexual Tomboy may mean TransMale to someone else.

Huh you say again!?!?!

It’s all a bit much right?

Many of the visitors here are folks searching for others like themselves. Defining themselves, questioning themselves.

It’s hard to decide what box to get into. Sometimes labels make it harder.

Saying ‘ I’m Bisexual’ can be a loaded statement. What kind of bisexual?

IS IT FINALLY OKAY TO BE BISEXUAL TOO since society has ‘progressed’ so much?

Can we say that out loud without fear of prejudice, discrimination and violence as mothers, teachers, husband’s, wives, role models in today’s society…finally? Are GenderQueer, Queer, Pansexual, Fluid more acceptable labels/boxes than Bisexual and why? What’s the difference between all those and don’t they all mean the same thing? 

Uuuugh! So many questions!

BUT, there is a movement of people who work tirelessly to help figure out all this confusion within Us.

They are the tireless Advocates, the front liners, the behind the scenes folks that work hard to create diversity in labeling to bring clarity to those who may not understand who We are or who They are in themselves.

These Advocates helped build the society We live in today.

In a society filled with all kinds of so called ways to ‘fit in’ labels are another way of identifying who we are and where we belong-as is human/animal nature.

For the record LGBTQAI stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Asexual/Ally (heterosexual supporter) and Intersex (Someone who’s reproductive organs/sex organs are not categorized as exclusively male or exclusively female.).

So what does that mean to those of Us who don’t wave rainbow flags and show off who and what we are…?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who are still unsure of what box we fit into if any?

What does this stuff mean for those of Us who lead ‘straight’ lives and don’t feel we fit into ANY box?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who could care less about all this stuff?

I’m still trying to figure that out. (I am a flag waving Out Loud & Proud kinda chick…but most of you aren’t…)

 

Can you tell me how society’s progression has helped you feel more clarity surrounding your own life? 

Do you feel it’s okay to BE BISEXUAL and a human in a long term relationship in today’s society?

PLEASE COMMENT BELOW, I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR FEEDBACK!

-Jay Dee, Founder

We’re Entering A New Season

Again I’d like to take the opportunity to invite readers and visitors to volunteer for Living Bi so we can keep this space running. My life has become a bit cumbersome and I can’t do everything that needs to be done with the small staff we have. We need more folks on board to help keep this space running and growing.

We have a ton of opportunities available, mostly remote, to be done in your own time.

Here’s what we need:

  • Contributing Authors (for all tabs)
  • Content Contributors (for all tabs)
  • Moderator (approve comments daily)
  • Welcome Contributors (welcome new visitors)
  • Social Media Manager (G+, Twitter, FB, Pinterest)
  • Editor
  • Videographer/Photographer (for events, must be local NYC)
  • Support group facilitator (Brooklyn, NY)
  • ALL LIVINGBI/BIWIFELIFE READERS to CONSIDER showing up & turning up for the NYC Pride March in June. If you’d like more information stay tuned. This year may be our first year marching with Our own banner! It would be awesome to have you alongside Us 🙂

If you are interested in any of the open volunteer positions send an email to biwifelife@gmail.com with which position you’re interested in, what you can contribute and why you’d like to contribute. We’ll go from there. 🙂

Help us keep our content fresh, relevant and supportive. It’s readers like YOU who power this space. Even one day a week, one contribution every two weeks, volunteering once a month can make a difference in how this space shows up and supports people.

Think about it, talk to your partner/s about it, matter of fact, both/all of you can volunteer 🙂

-Jay Dee, Founder

I asked…

I was patient, I didn’t settle, I asked…and She’s here.

Like I said in previous articles I barely have time for myself. I live in New York City where it’s always hustle and bustle just to get by. Very expensive city and the rat race is real here.

My husband and I hit the bed late every night, exhausted. We have no time/energy/money for dates or vacations. We have a family growing exponentially and rapidly. We’ve even halted our own fertility process because our blended family is branching out and things/situations always come back to mom, and dad.

We have no children together and have been trying for about 5 years to conceive. I was scheduled for a fertility procedure that may have given us our dream of having a child together just this past Tuesday. Due to the recovery time, new and unexpected career opportunities (like literally as soon as 2016 came in) and the kids having kids we’re just really rethinking the best time, if any, to have a child together.

Our life has been non stop family issues from day one. Blending older children into a new family is not easy. Raising older children is not easy. We were students in our last year of college working on our second careers when we met. Finally this year we’ve been able to pursue our careers after 5 years.

When we met I was with Her. I loved Her. Really couldn’t imagine Her not being in my life. She’s as goal focused, mature, responsible, driven and motivated as I am to get where She wants to be in Her life. I love her so much for that. She’s younger than I am, but just as focused. She’s down to earth, so beautiful inside and out.

After a time She was no longer in my life. I tried to replace Her. Didn’t work. I accepted there would never be another Her, I left well enough alone and just lived with missing Her.

With the start of this year, after much heartache and pain, She has entered my life again. 😀

Our schedules are off a few hours. She has much more time to herself than I do. She lives in a rural area now. She has earlier hours than I do, gets off much earlier than I do. By the time I’m done working after I get home from work (working on presentations, books, etc), I’m beat. I do my best to make time at least a few times a week, I do love the girl, but work and family are so exhausting I’m half sleep by the time we talk most times.

We’ve never been long distance before and it drives me crazy to text and call her knowing I can’t see her.

I don’t want to talk to her on the phone when I’m exhausted.

I want to see her.

Smell her.

See her laugh, not just hear her voice.

I want to eat dinner with her, watch her mother her children (she’s such an amazing mom!)…

There’s so much we both want. But we’re married. She’s taking it slow with her husband, easing him into the idea that we could happen without jeopardizing our marriages.

My husband is very supportive of us, he knows what we have together first hand. He witnessed our bond and he hopes we have the opportunity to have dinner with her and her husband one day to discuss the possibility of her and I. So do I. She says she needs time. I say take as long as you need to.

True love never dies…

Because I have the utmost respect for her marriage I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize a happy home. It’s all in her time, with his permission, or it won’t happen.  I don’t know if I’ll see her again, or not. He may not allow her to have a friend she’s intimate with, someone else she says I love you to at the end of a long day. She’s never been married to a man and in a relationship with a female before. She’s a one woman/man kind of girl. She expressed she’s concerned it may be too much for her. I know how real and deep her love is. She doesn’t want to do anything to disrupt her home in any way, I understand.

We will see in due time what happens, if anything. 

For now, with even better opportunities before me in the coming weeks I’m struggling with loving Her from a distance, being overwhelmed with my children having children back to back (one in Nov, one in Dec, one any day now) and new professional responsibilities.

This is what my BiWifeLife looks like today.

I’ll keep you all posted with Her and I. I can only hope the Universe is kind enough to me to bring her fully back into my life.

I miss her so much.

She is the only woman I know of for me…

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

Ask And Ye May Receive…

Two weeks ago SHE, my HER, the one I loved and lost, walked right back into my life and threw my heart into a whirl wind. 

She’s married now. She’s monogamous now.

She’s a dedicated mother-to his child now. She lives VERY far away now.

But she’s here now.

Shit. 😦 🙂 ???

This is the woman I loved and lost. The woman that makes my heart flutter when I think about her, the one that my dreams are literally made of, the one who’s voice makes me happy, who’s smell I clearly remember years later…the woman I would have married…if I could have.

I don’t believe in marrying a woman for myself due to religious beliefs but I DO NOT discriminate on other’s beliefs. To each his/her own. Each person has their own personal beliefs.

My beliefs wouldn’t let me marry Her. So I married Him.

He’s not second best in the least, he wasn’t my second choice. He was my first and only choice…in a man.

She was my first and only choice of women.

She couldn’t deal with the idea of being in a polyamourous relationship.

She believes in devoted monogamy.

She wanted us to love each other until the end of time, just her and I, and I wanted to so bad.

I could have rode off into the sunset with her on any given day…but I couldn’t be with just her.

I am bisexual.

I am not a lesbian.

I am not heterosexual.

I love men.

I love women.

I always think about what life would be like had I married her…

His step-daughter,  soon to be legally adopted daughter, would be my stepdaughter. The woman I love would be wearing my ring, not his. I wouldn’t have the beautiful and growing family I have today. I wouldn’t have the wonderful husband I searched 20 years for today. I would have her laughter, her touch, the smell of her in my bed when I woke up for work in the morning, not just the memory of her. I wouldn’t have the many glorious moments my husband and I have shared since our first date. I’d have a woman who I know would love me until the end of time as long as I loved her the same.

Since we’ve connected again we talk by phone, we text. I am grateful to just hear her voice again, look forward to her calls, her texts. 🙂

We talked about our past, how we split and where this may go, if anywhere, from here.

Her and I are a lot alike…

I’m no cheater or homewrecker. Neither is she.

We both have husbands, who know of our connection and prior relationship.

I respect her marriage as she respects the boundaries of mine. Her husband is a lucky man and I respect all the hard work he’s put into making the woman I love happy. That’s what counts to me, that she’s happy. 

I don’t know if I’m capable of being just her friend. But I’ll sure try my best just to have the smallest things about her in my life. Only thing is, I feel like I can’t be with another woman while she’s anywhere remotely near my Universe. It’s already been a challenge putting her out of my heart and moving on.

She is the only female planet I want to live on, but there may be no oxygen for me to live in her world right now.

While I’m struggling to find another woman to replace what her and I had, I know I’m trying to do just that. Find someone to replace her, when she just can’t be replaced.

New Year, new situations that’s for sure.

What does the New Year have in store?

-Jay Dee, Founder