what really happened?

I’d like to thank K Daddy for his insight into how bisexuality, poly life and how ‘all the fun and games’ can lead to the demise of relationships. He posted some really good examples of how things can go awry even when we think they’re good for the long haul. Navigating different personalities is always going to come with challenges.

Dynamics change, people change. We must be adaptable, or we can risk our relationships. Staying true to ourselves as a bisexual human while navigating a long-term relationship or more than one relationship can be a bit much to handle for some. For others despite the effortlessness of some situations, variables can happen and change entire dynamics.

No matter one’s sexuality or gender identity, it is always important to listen to and respect your partner’s feelings. Open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other is what keeps relationships alive and healthy. If those components change or are absent for any reason, relationships can get prickly, lol.

Let’s also thank K. Daddy for the nudge into sharing more around my particular situation. So here goes.

I first need to emphasize that sexuality and poly life had NOTHING to do with the changes in my marriage. Conflict around very new cultural differences and my husband’s changing communication style has everything to do with it.

After asking my husband “Are we suddenly hetero monogamous now?” he jokingly answered, “I guess so.” and I told him “My sexuality doesn’t work like that.”, that was the last conversation on the topic. It was short, sweet and non-confrontational.

It was playful but we both understood that understanding was understood. Play time was over. We were monogamous and that was that. Ours was a religious marriage first and foremost so I didn’t feel a way about that change in our marriage. With the pandemic we both agreed, it was not that serious to risk our health for ‘fun’. It was safer at home with each other.

We had a poly marriage for nearly 10 years. We had fun through those years. We have a lifetime of amazing memories and experiences. I guess those were just the ‘heydays’ of our marriage. We’ve both been cool with that time period being just that, a time in our marriage.

I have several biwife friends and family members in various stages of their relationships (new moms, newlyweds, long term wed, newly bisexual, closeted bisexuals) who are experiencing situations where their suppressed desires are problematic and/or they have varying girl situations, and the topic is difficult for them and their partners to discuss. I have a male bi relative that goes through SO much with women when in long term relationships and dating. He’s very open about his bisexuality. His experiences are very eye opening around bi stigma.

They are what brought me back to this space despite not really having anything to blog about personally. Supporting community, family, friends and all the other bisexual humans navigating life in and pursuing long term relationships and marriages is what this space was created for. It’s not my personal blog but I drew from personal experiences for subject topics at times.

Not everything I have and will blog about is my situation.

In my marriage, it looks like our play days just phased out of the relationship and it’s not even a topic discussion or an issue. It hasn’t been important. We had lots of fun when we did, so maybe that satiated us. Who knows?

For the past couple of years, my husband has been developing new cultural differences that have become centered in our marriage and working those out are most important. It was our bond that made our play days our heydays instead of breaking us apart. That bond is what we’re working to save amid shifting cultural beliefs.

As I’ve said before, he completed me as a partner despite my bisexuality. Although I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship before, the past few years I’ve had no time to focus on sexuality. I’ve been losing my person!

Bisexuality is as inherent to me as my skin color. I don’t stop being a brown woman because I have a long-sleeved shirt on.

Since we mutually agreed to stop dating that was that and it hasn’t been a topic discussion since. I am still bisexual but I’m not dating, looking for a female partner or for sex with anyone but my husband. My focus has been on navigating the stability of our relationship while watching the changes in my person happen, thus my absence from this space.

I don’t have to be actively seeking a partner or sexual intimacy with a woman to be bisexual. I don’t have to have repressed sexual desires to be bisexual. I liked boys and girls from the time I started ‘liking’ people as a single digit kid. I had no idea what bisexual was or meant. As far as I know, I’ve always just been bisexual.

Just because I’m in a hetero monogamous relationship doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual anymore.

There are ebbs and flows to sexuality as with anything else in life. All of life is transient. Nothing is static.

Our marriage is like any other marriage with trials and tribulations. Marriages can be impacted by many things including finances, career, in-laws, children, religion, politics, all kinds of situations and differences. We’ve dealt with and overcome a bit of this and a bit of that over the years and we’ve come through it all by using strong communication and implementing strategies within our shared beliefs.

My husband’s views are now polar opposite of all we’d shared together over the years. Every part of his being has changed and I’m still here loving a version of him that doesn’t exist anymore. In many ways, he just looks like the man I love(d?). In ways he is the man I’ve always loved, just a new version.

In even more ways, he is so different some days I wonder how will we ever move forward? I did not fall in love with this new person. Can I? I’m not sure, I’m still in love with my person! That’s tough because this new person, he’s in my husband, my person’s body!

My husband is a new person that I didn’t choose to marry but one I’m married to. He’s not bad, he’s just VERY different and I didn’t get to choose this person to spend my life with. I just woke up with him one day, it looks like this is the new ‘him’ and ‘he’s’ here to stay.

I’ve had no space to think outside of my marriage, no desire to do so. My focus has been the health and longevity of our marriage if we can find that. To have him as my life partner was more valuable than to have any other person in the world as my partner, which is why I married him.

We’re doing our best to work through our differences and save our marriage. However, communication is a huge part of making it work.

As I’ve said in my previous post, if he doesn’t want to talk about something he doesn’t. That doesn’t leave room to resolve differences. That’s very new and very difficult for me to deal with from him. He’s always been very emotionally open, listened and communicated very well with me.

Only time will tell what will happen in our marriage, but sexuality, bisexuality and polyamory had nothing to do with the changes we’re experiencing.

He loves me and I him and our sexualities are the last thing to negatively impact us. Communication is key. Culture is what it is, and conflict due to cultural differences have to be worked out for any interpersonal relationship to be sustainable. Conflict can be healthy and build stronger relationships or conflict can ruin relationships.

Without open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other, how long can a relationship really last (even with mind blowing sex and getting along around shared responsibilities)?

What do you think about conflict around cultural differences in relationships and communication? What about one’s partner changing in very different ways and the longevity of the relationship? Is bisexuality a constant state of actions or is it inherent to one’s being?

Please, don’t forget share your thoughts and insight below,

As always, I wish each of your relationships open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love, longevity and respect for each other!

-Jay, Founder

WHY HAS IT BEEN SO LONG???

To be honest, I’ve thought of you all here, in this space I created so long ago. I’ve tried to come here, to post, to interact with folks but my life was changing in ways I couldn’t understand and manage at times. So, I refrained from writing until I could figure things out.

It was our amazing @KDaddy who has been keeping this space going. Let’s take a moment to celebrate and honor his commitment to us and our community. Show some love below with a comment for him if you’ve had the pleasure of engaging with his work. Disclaimer: I haven’t read all of his posts but I trust his opinion to be his own. I find him to be very insightful, thought provoking and informative.

Kudos to KDaddy!!! Thank you for providing a space and platform for folks in my absence. Your dedication to this space is absolutely amazing and I’m grateful you’re here. We all are 🙂

My life was so different when I started this blog. I’d been happliy married about three years.

My life was complete and growing. As the years went by, our marriage began to change gradually. A few years ago, just before the pandemic, my husband’s perceptions of sexuality began shifting.

By the time we were told to ‘shelter in place’ during the pandemic, I knew everything would change. My husband’s sexuality is rooted in a dichotomy of things. He wasn’t taught to be okay with himself. He was taught fire, brimstone & reinforced toxic masculinity (that he never embodied) & homosexual/bisexual stigmas.

I was taught those same things by family but raised by a strong lesbian woman who just happened to have two kids.

My mother has always been masculine presenting. I was raised with an amazing stepfather from age 2 to 11 years old. He still is an amazing stepdad. My mother was always free to be herself, as was he.

They were a love story for the history books. All the whimsical things a girl could imagine. My mom had the sweetest courtship experience with him, a whimsical romance with a hardworking, funny guy that was (still is) great with kids. They were two young people in love with a growing family.

Why they broke up is not relevant but the impression my mom could be herself despite being in a relationship with a man stuck with me for life. She was wholly and completely loved by him in the most authentic of ways, because she was her. He loved her for who she was and who she wasn’t.

Being bisexual does not mean that lying, cheating or doing things that would make our partner uncomfortable is okay, not even if they going along with or ‘allow’ it. Should your pleasure be centered at the expense of your partner’s comfortability? What kind of relationship damage could that potentially cause if any?

Being bisexual does not mean it’s okay to do things our partners don’t know about because of our sexuality and urges. Justifying cheating because of bisexuality has always irritated me. Remember the simple youthful adage we were told, “Do unto others as you’d have done unto you.”? Yea, nobody wants to get cheated on, with any gender.

I idealized having a partner who honors transparency, authenticity, and in some cases bravery. A partner that understands all the many aspects of who I am and loves each tiny piece that makes me unique and special. A partner that I can have open, honest, effective communication with. I get these ideals from their love, or what I knew of it.

My spouse was that person from the moment we met to the day we both understood, that’s no longer who he is.

My stepfather loves my mom the same way he did when I was a little girl to this date. They haven’t been together in over 30 years, but his eyes still light up with love when he talks about her. I still blush and get butterflies thinking about these two dancing in the living room to Lionel Richie or hosting a family picnic and feeding each other fruit on the blanket while we played in the grass.

Back then it looked strange to people.

People thought a Black guy (stepdad) and a Mexican guy (mom) were on a date in the park with kids, back in the 80s! Then they’d look closer and see her double D’s mashed down with a sports bra under her favored lumberjack patterned button down shirt. The confusion on people’s faces as we grew up was always humorous to us. Like, she’s just my mommy. Nothing to be confused about. True to kid’s natures’ we called her name ‘mommy’ several thousand times a day. Somehow that confused people also, lol.

I ‘came out’ as bisexual when I was 11 years old, my mom was very disappointed I was interested in men. She’d hoped I’d be a lesbian. I’ve been married to my husband since 2011. He was only the 2nd guy I ever dated that was mom approved. 🙂 The first one I also married in 2004. He passed away in 2009 after being married only 5 years. I remarried in 2012.

Mom couldn’t understand how I could marry a man. Her and my stepmother have been together over 25 years now. She wanted the same for me.

I was sent my other half, and he happened to be a male. I was happy, mom was happy for me. However, she really wished I would have married my long-term girlfriend of 2 years who I was with when I met my current husband.

Mom wondered why not her instead of him. For me at the time it was religious reasons. Also, I believe I should have the right to marry a man and a woman as a bisexual human which would complete my bilife but that’s a huge uphill conversation, so I chose one, the one that was religiously and politically correct (pc).

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have bought into the social bullshit, but I did. I also married a man I loved wholeheartedly and fit me just right, so it wasn’t just a pc move but didn’t hurt either of us that we look very pc.

During my current marriage we’ve had two long term relationships with women over the years and other experiences. In this space I don’t tell his story, that’s for him to tell. However, we had a robust lifestyle.

Then something happened to my husband which I can’t explain. He began to change just before the pandemic. He became uncomfortable with any sort of homosexuality. He would become visibly uncomfortable at the topic. Speaking about it was not easy anymore. He’s a quiet guy and if he doesn’t want to talk about something, he doesn’t. He already doesn’t say much to begin with.

Around the Fall of 2019 the communication began to break down in our relationship. Not around seeing others or bisexuality, just period.

If you’ve followed this blog or visited any archived posts, you’ll see I’m BIG on Open, Honest, Effective communication.

Just because I am, doesn’t mean my spouse is. He used to be.

About a year into the pandemic, I asked him, “Are we suddenly hetero monogamous?” he laughed and said, “I guess so.” I told him that’s not how my sexuality works. I can’t settle into a relationship and gradually just not be bisexual anymore. He asked did I want to see other people, was I already talking to someone, etc. I told him of course not, it’s not about other people, it’s about us being okay with each other and how we identify.

After 13 years together, we may not have many more tomorrows as partners due to our shifted compatibility, our now absolute incompatibility in so many areas of life, including sexuality.

I’ve covered this before in this blog, getting into a relationship does not mean a bisexual person is heterosexual or homosexual. It means we found a person we are compatible with.

If a bisexual person elects to become involved in a long-term monogamous relationship, that’s great.

If a bisexual person (or any person) is poly that should be stated up front. Polyamory isn’t an automatic thing because someone is bisexual either.

Monogamy can include sexual experimentation outside of the relationship as a couple, individually or not.

It’s up to the couple’s agreed preferences.

Mono meaning single or one is just that.

When bisexual people commit to ONE person, monogamy, being bisexual doesn’t go away.

Some emotional, physical and mental desires are repressed, unfulfilled. Some parts of self are denied, sacrificed in the process of loving and committing to one person, excluding all others.

It’s a communication thing that has to be aligned with the couple’s preferences and boundaries. As I’ve gotten older my perspective on my sexuality has gotten much more complex also, but I’m still bisexual.

I haven’t been intimate with a woman since 2018/19 maybe…? Ah yes, a playboy bunny at a swinger’s party we went to…. or was it when we accidentally fucked a Trumpster couple at the NYE Swinger’s ball?

I can’t recall exactly but all I know is that the man I married has changed in ways that has made us extremely incompatible in ways that are completely unrelated to sex or sexuality.

We still have regular mind-blowing sex (that has changed, A LOT but is still toe popping freaking amazing) and that’s mind blowing. It’s mind blowing that sex is the primary area that we’re still very compatible in despite dramatic changes to that area of our lives also. It’s even more mind blowing that he still completes me in that area despite our overall incompatibility. We’re still okay with conducting mutual business and great with the kids, but outside of that, we’re just not compatible in any other ways and it’s heartbreaking. I miss my person to share & enjoy the fun parts of life with. Not just the obligations.

No marriage survives on sex alone.

Open, honest, effective communication keeps marriages alive.

I’ll still be a BiWife, even if I’m not a wife anymore.

Him and I had over a decade of experiences together to recall, reflect on and unpack to support the relationships of others.

Maybe one day soon, I’ll just be LivingBi.

I don’t have any plans to date anyone, male, female or otherwise. I love/d my person, he was a perfect balance of male and female. He completed me. I didn’t need a woman to feel complete with him. Which is how we probably settled into monogamy for the past 4 or so years.

Again, bisexuality didn’t break down our marriage, but homophobia is a factor. I don’t tolerate homophobia in any form whatsoever.

I began defending the rights of LGBTQAI folks because my mother deserves to live a stigma free, full, peaceful & safe life no matter how she looks or who she loves.

In previous posts I talk about how our hetero-normal appearing marriage and family made homophobes feel like they could hate speak freely around us. We have gotten more than an earful over the years and have deflated many a hetero-inflated ego with a simple “We’re both bisexual.”

Being in a long-term marriage with a multi-generational family & still bisexual allowed me a unique platform to advocate for destigmatization of bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and I am grateful.

I saw forever with him but maybe I’ll have more to blog about as time unfolds.

Who knows?

I hope this space continues to thrive in support of each other until next time.

With so much love for you and your partners.

-Jay, Founder

What BiWifeLife!? Heteronormalcy Takes Over -_-

Bad blogger, bad blogger! There, I’ve chastised myself for you. I’ve thought of you very frequently. I’ve tried to get to you night after night. No matter how much you’re on my mind, I just haven’t been able get to you.

I’ve had so much to tell you! So many thoughts to share…Life just hasn’t given me room. Life hasn’t given me room for myself! My husband and I barely even have time for intimacy let alone our BiLives! When we do find ourselves approaching intimacy it’s urgent, intense and infrequent We have found our own ways of supplementing our bi desires without others. Essentially we’ve become unwittingly heterosexual & monogamous.

In recent years my career has taken off in ways I could never conceive. I work in Research & Social Justice. Just this past week I was on national radio, a month ago I established a consulting business at the urging of my colleagues and I am being urged to publish a book before Fall.

I’ve been encouraged to take my work to the state level by all I’ve encountered in my professional trajectory and I am really considering running for local office.

That’s a huge change from my days of sitting at home blogging after dinner or after everyone was in bed 5 years ago!

I’ve returned to school which is beyond demanding as a Crime Intelligence Analysis major. After dinner I’m buried baby bed time madness then legalese until the wee hours of the morning.

When I started this blog I was a mom and wife with nowhere to connect with other bisexual wives. I was not working full time, I did not have babies, I was not in school full time.

I had no idea where to meet other bi wives.

I’ve since learned there were other communities when I started BiWifeLife. Back then I was unaware. I started this space not really expecting any response.

I had no idea people would actually come to the site. I had no idea people would actually begin to communicate with each other below posts in the comments, even though I wanted them to and encouraged connecting with others.

When stats started to skyrocket, I decided to launch a program on the ground at our local LGBT Center. I had dreams of a BiWives Clubs, pretty pink satin jackets with embroidery included. 🙂

Only one person who reads this blog has shown up to a BiSocial Gathering.

ONE.

Attendees of the monthly gathering saw our FB event or a flyer at the LGBT Center. Through the Center, my professional work began to mesh with my BiWife blogging. I told other Organizers and Advocates about the site. It was welcomed open arms into the LGBT Community in NYC.

From there, I searched and posted in countless places seeking volunteers to keep the site running. I saw my career & family trajectory and knew this was growing way too quick for one person to maintain.

No matter how much I posted, I didn’t get any responses for volunteers in any area. After months, finally two BiWifeLife readers decided they would like to help keep it running. At that juncture, I just couldn’t do it alone and the site was at risk of going under.

With new Contributing Authors and Moderators, the blog was able to keep running! Super Huge thanks to @meredithlee11 @mercedesjet @pinupgirlbeauty. Again, I had no real idea of what I was doing, this community just began to unfold before my eyes…and I loved it! I wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted people to support each other through the difficult life trials of living as a bisexual human in long term relationships or marriages.

I began to think about diversity in this space. There were MANY types of humans of varying genders and relationship structures who are bisexual, and married or involved in long term relationships.

We changed the name to LivingBi/BiWifeLife, opened up for more volunteers.

Nada. No responses.

Eventually a BiHusband with his own blog decided to step up and support the male identified readers. Super Huge thanks to you @kdaddy23🙂

Over time life took it’s hold on Our Contributing Authors. One of our contributing authors left after about a year, another kind of drifted away, KDaddy is still hanging in there with me but he has his own blog, and life.

As my family and career grew, the less I was able to post original articles and respond to readers. Countless nights I wanted to let my fingers fly across the keyboard and share thoughts, discuss issues with you all.

I left the space open for you all to connect with each other in my absence. Myself and others have been approving comments to allow for continued growth of the space.

OUR BILIVES

Here we are now. My husband and I live in Suburbia USA. We are the epitome of hetero-normalcy. With the passage of SESTA/FOSTA changing the internet as we know it, my husband and I are confused as to how we will meet others like ourselves as many of the sites we frequented are disappearing.

Being a heteronormal appearing both bisexual couple makes it VERY difficult to meet others with similar interests. Where we could once go online to meet others, that is quickly changing.

To Our loyal readers & commenters, we thank you for your continued support.

If you would like to volunteer as a Contributing Author or any other role to keep the community engaged, please send an email to biwifelife@gmail.com.

Tell me, has the recent change in internet dating accessibly impacted your BiLife at all?

Don’t forget to BROWSE, COMMENT, CONNECT with other readers! We’re always here in the background approving comments, trying to keep the community alive.

Wishing your relationships and inner beings peace, love and longevity!

-Jay Dee, Founder

Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That  says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.

Marriage.

I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved 🙂

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s  no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS…

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE WITH WEDDING RINGS ON FLIRTING…OR ATTEMPTING TO?

 

 

 

It’s Been a Long Time…

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a really long time. 😦

I’ve had to take time away to focus on career and family.

So much happened at once we just couldn’t believe it!

Career opportunities came at me left and right AND 4 of my daughters were pregnant at the same time!!!

There’s been a whirlwind of engagements, breakups, births & career climbing opportunities. I even returned to college 🙂

A lot’s been going on but the dust is settling a bit…just about.

A few nights ago my husband and I had a very honest conversation about our sexual needs & identities again, for the gazillionth time.

We’re a family of all queer folks, as usual we’re super hyped, it’s Pride month!

As I write, one of our our daughters just turned 8 months pregnant, she’s 24 and has a 15 month old. They live at home with us.

I’m in summer classes from hell…and we’re avidly working on buying a home out of state by this coming Fall *fingers crossed* ❤

We are at capacity with life and there’s no leisure time, no getaway time, barely any privacy and little time to sleep.

As a result of everything going on, my BiWifeLife and hubby’s BiHusbandLife has been way blah… 😦

Hubby and I haven’t had a bi encounter in months and we’re both at a point where NSA encounters just aren’t ‘it’ for us anymore, where they once fit our needs just right.

Over the past couple years, we’ve had no time for relationships, no time for building relationships.

Although we’re at capacity with life, at this juncture we’d love to have friends we could spend time with and get away from home/work/school & kids sometimes.

Our ideal situation would be a couple like ourselves, a both bi couple. A situation where the husbands, and the wives can bond over time 😉

Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near that simple.

“At times it’s very uncomfortable for us because we’re not viewed in the light we view ourselves-married but looking, for the same gender.” 

We’re both bisexual and feel very comfortable in Queer spaces.

Problem is, we show up with this level of hetero-normalcy that makes our Queer brothers and sisters question why we’re in a Queer space.

We are a man and a woman, obviously in love and married.

We’ve discussed wearing Bi Pride gear such as tee’s, rings, necklaces or bracelets. He’s just not the kind of guy to wear Bi gear no matter how I try to convince him…so far 😉

Today we discussed maybe going out separately for the first time ever. We both have no problem attracting either gender.

The problem with going out separately is, we’re madly in love. 

We love spending as much time together as possible. We have fun with each other. We don’t want to go out alone, as if we are single people.

In our experience men don’t tend to want men who are married unless it’s a DL/secret thing. Women don’t want a woman that has a husband-unless he has nothing to do with the relationship.

We don’t want to have relationships OUTSIDE of our marriage. We want relationships that are a PART of our marriage, with another male, and female. Preferably an interchangeable Quad. 

It would be nice to be with someone I feel comfortable kissing, him to find someone he can try new things with.

We’re both very health conscious and we both don’t want to be inhibited by protective measures, unknown variables and potential concerns.

Of course we want to be our freest selves with our partners, as we are with each other. We’re a bit unique in we both enjoy sharing our spouse with the same sex.

Our days and nights are frequently spent talking about, looking for and trying to figure out how we can find the partners we so strongly crave.

We have yet to come across a bi couple with a bi husband and bi wife who are both looking for same sex partners.

That’s our BiWife/BiHusband struggle at this point Any suggestions?

-Jay Dee, Founder

LivingBi/BiWifeLife

Pride?

I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying ‘Pride is a sin’.

Over the years Gay Pride has become a hugely celebrated holiday in the US.

For those of us who are in hetero appearing relationships this time of year can be ultimately conflicting.

Especially for those of Us who are not ‘out’ to family and friends.

It’s a time when the country is talking about the Gay community a bit more than usual.

For those of us with Bi Invisibility those conversations can be VERY uncomfortable.

I cannot count how many times my husband and I have been around conversations concerning homosexuality and bisexuality where abrasive, homophobic words and thoughts were said.

It’s easy to get fired up and ‘come out’ by ‘accident’ in a heated conversation this time of year.

It’s a time many of Us choose to come out to loved ones around PRIDE.

Many bisexual humans involved in hereto appearing long term relationships don’t feel PRIDE has anything at all to do with Our lives.

I personally wish We had more visibility, more awareness, less stigma, more respect for the fact we do exist.

Despite my husband’s birthday falling on NYC PRIDE every year he has again selflessly decided to walk again in this year’s NYC PRIDE march in solidarity with all the BiHusbands of our City.

For now we will be the faces of you all who are still behind the walls of Bi Invisibility but We invite you all to march with us this and every year.

One of these years we’ll be on vacation somewhere privately celebrating his birthday, that year we hope to see you all representing while we’re away.

So far we’ve yet to break the walls that hide Us because it is you the readers who are crippled by societal stigma and fear, preventing Us from doing so.

You have not emailed us, you have not shown up, shown out or volunteered.

So many of you are still so deeply hidden. 😦

Our cause is not to shine a light on each of you personally but a light on Us as a whole within the LGBTQAI Community.

We do hope this year you’ll consider meeting Us in Manhattan tomorrow to march with Our signs, behind the Brooklyn Community Pride Center banner.

If not my hope in writing this article is to get you all to thinking about your own Bi Invisibility and how it hurts/helps your life & others who are still hiding in the shadows of stigma and societal perceptions.

I know my life is hurt because I am invisible and the girl of my dreams can’t see me…

Therefore I march for Our visibility.

-Jay Dee, Founder, LivingBi/BiWifeLife

I Want to Cheat!!!

Seems to be the common theme in these pages.

I haven’t written about cheating since our early days but with the high influx of comments from readers struggling with desires, urges, thoughts, feelings of cheating I feel it’s time to go over this again.

Let’s look at this from several angles.

#1- You cheat. Your spouse doesn’t find out. You win…or do you?

What’s done in the dark will come to the light. Maybe in softly spoken words in your sleep, an open, forgotten, unattended email account, a phone record, a text message, a smell, a look, an anything that can shatter your world in a millisecond can happen. Do you really want to risk your partner finding out one day…potentially?

If you’re willing to cheat also ask yourself, are you ready to lose EVERYTHING you’ve built with your spouse?

Are you ready to change where you live, your friends, how your children see you, how your family sees you, how people at your place of worship will view you?

Are you ready to turn your whole life upside down because YOU ruined your marriage by cheating?

#2 You don’t cheat. You don’t tell your partner how you feel either. You become distant, you daydream, you late night internet search, you watch porn, you fantasize about your bisexual desires while having sex with your partner. Your partner notices the rift between you two, you refuse to talk about it now the rift becomes a chasm and shit gets tense in your marriage.

Why not talk about it?

How will your life change if you do talk about it?

Will talking about it yield a better possible outcome than not talking about it?

If you do talk about it how could your life improve?

If you don’t continue to talk about it will not talking about it make your bisexuality any less real?

Will your silence slowly dwindle your desires or secretly fuel them even more?

#3 You decide to talk about it and…

All hell breaks loose. Your partner can’t deal, your marriage is threatened, and you feel like you’ve made the worst mistake ever by opening your big mouth. In all reality, if your partner can’t love you for who you are the real question isn’t your bisexuality or your love for your partner, it’s your partner’s love for you. Nobody says your partner has to accept you sleeping with other people but your partner should love you enough to hear you out, respect your feelings and be willing to have a decent conversation about what you’re going through. If not you need to ask yourself are you really happy with someone you can’t talk to about your truest feelings?

OR

Your spouse listens. Your spouse asks questions. You and your spouse discuss options that fit your marriage best. You take your time and work things out and your marriage improves for the understand you’ve built.

There are SO MANY ways the conversation could go. You know your spouse, you know you. You know your relationship. You know your level of communication and understanding with your spouse.

Either way it goes, it’s wrong to cheat.

You know it, that’s why you haven’t done it yet.

You also know nothing good comes of cheating in the long run.

Cheating only yields immediate satisfaction, but then what?

Think about the ‘then what’ part.

Play the whole thing out, including the part where your spouse finds out, before you do anything at all.

Are you okay with the way the story ends?

-Jay Dee, Founder

What Does It All Mean?

Have you watched television recently? Have you listened to any news? Have you seen the world shift?

I have.

Queer, Gay, Lesbian is all around us. There are rainbows everywhere in the North East.

There are rainbows outside of businesses, in commercials, in cartoons for children…being Gay is okay today.

Is it okay to be bisexual now too?

Well, that depends on what you classify bisexual as, who you’re asking, what gender presentation you have, what gender your partner is…and the list goes on.

Huh? I thought Bisexual meant Bisexual and that’s that if I say that’s what I am.

There have been new letters added to the standard LGBT…now there’s QAI.

Politicians, Organizations, Grants, Funding, Professionals have all focused the spotlight on LGBTQAI Rights. There’s been a long standing movement that has moved many things, and created today’s ‘Queer friendly’ America.

It’s okay to be Transgender, it’s okay to be a Trans Youth today. Those who share their experiences are heralded as heroes and brave souls.

Ten, twenty years ago men were publicly shamed for being  cross dressers. I was a teen when RuPaul came along and changed that perspective. Still her presence didn’t change societal perception at that time. From then to now it has been a journey for Trans Rights.

What does that mean to those of us who don’t live a lifestyle that includes all the changes the world has made?

What does that mean to those of us who could NEVER come out as anything other than straight, other than a mom, a teacher, a wife, a husband, a role model?

What does that mean when we’re surrounded by people who DO NOT accept the progression of the LGBTQAI movement in America?

What does all of this mean for those of us who don’t even know what LGBTQAI means!?!?

Well…

There is a movement of people who have chosen this field of work (LGBTQAI Rights/Advocacy) to advance efforts to balance injustices in society. Those who fought for the basic right to exist in our own skins without prejudice, discrimination, stigma & violence.

I was one of those people who fought for the right to hold my girlfriend…and boyfriend’s hand in public, at the same time, without fear.

I wasn’t sure if I was Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual. I didn’t know if I was a freak like most of society said I was or a sexual deviant like I  thought I was. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a boy or I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body because I liked girls and wearing boys clothes or if I was still a girl and just a tomboy! I wasn’t sure if one day I’d catch a ‘gay disease’ and God would send me into a pit of burning brimstones because I was an abomination or not.

There was a movement of people way back before my mom could figure out her sexual identity, who were helping people work these kinds of questions out. They figured out what to call sets of preferences and behaviors so they could gain understanding from people who oppressed those with ‘alternative sexualities’.

I learned from the people who taught the world about LGBT at a young age, from the 2nd/3rd generation of LGBT folks in NYC:

L stood for Lesbian. Girls who liked girls and didn’t like boys were Lesbians. G stood for Gay, that meant a boy who liked boys and not girls. Then there was Bisexual, they were nasty, confused, slutty and just liked to have sex with everyone because they had sex with boys and girls. T stood for Transgender which was a new word being implemented in replacement of Drag Queens & Cross Dressers. They were not really a presence but more so a known entity. They were men who dressed and emulated women. I didn’t see them around The Center much (where I learned all this), but I saw them coming and going to and from clubs in the West Village.

Society condemned Us all to hell fire and brimstones, considered us a risk to public health, the institution of family and saw us as a threat to future generations/human evolution and population.

This was back in the 90’s.

Since then, the culture has changed. More and more people joined the movement for equality and fair treatment, new generations became involved, schools of thought progressed, things began to change over time with lots of boots to the ground fighting for progression. In an effort to teach the world we are not the horrible creatures ‘Old Society’ made Us out to be We began to define things, make things clear to folks.

Over time, scholars of the LGBT lifestyles were born, they were the elders from and on the front lines who taught those of Us behind them about who and what we are.

Language changed, ‘clearly’ defined labels for each set of sexual behaviors were laid out for society to understand.

People were beginning to be labeled because they needed to be & wanted to be. We wanted to understand ourselves so we put ourselves into boxes that looked like what we felt like on the inside and sometimes that box would change for some. Sometimes they stay in one box.

In today’s climate defining who/what you are/labeling yourself is still as difficult as it was in the 90’s when an definition other than heterosexual was unacceptable. Now there’s so many labels how do I know which one fits me?

Why do I need a label? Why do I have to wear a title?

What if it’s all not that clear cut and easy for me?

Good question…why do you?

I’m not ‘The Powers That Be’ in LGBTQAI politics nor am I a major decision maker in policy for the National LGBTQAI Community.

I do know that labels are given importance in ways I’m not necessarily comfortable with.

What Gender Queer means to me, may mean Bisexual Tomboy to you, but Bisexual Tomboy may mean TransMale to someone else.

Huh you say again!?!?!

It’s all a bit much right?

Many of the visitors here are folks searching for others like themselves. Defining themselves, questioning themselves.

It’s hard to decide what box to get into. Sometimes labels make it harder.

Saying ‘ I’m Bisexual’ can be a loaded statement. What kind of bisexual?

IS IT FINALLY OKAY TO BE BISEXUAL TOO since society has ‘progressed’ so much?

Can we say that out loud without fear of prejudice, discrimination and violence as mothers, teachers, husband’s, wives, role models in today’s society…finally? Are GenderQueer, Queer, Pansexual, Fluid more acceptable labels/boxes than Bisexual and why? What’s the difference between all those and don’t they all mean the same thing? 

Uuuugh! So many questions!

BUT, there is a movement of people who work tirelessly to help figure out all this confusion within Us.

They are the tireless Advocates, the front liners, the behind the scenes folks that work hard to create diversity in labeling to bring clarity to those who may not understand who We are or who They are in themselves.

These Advocates helped build the society We live in today.

In a society filled with all kinds of so called ways to ‘fit in’ labels are another way of identifying who we are and where we belong-as is human/animal nature.

For the record LGBTQAI stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Asexual/Ally (heterosexual supporter) and Intersex (Someone who’s reproductive organs/sex organs are not categorized as exclusively male or exclusively female.).

So what does that mean to those of Us who don’t wave rainbow flags and show off who and what we are…?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who are still unsure of what box we fit into if any?

What does this stuff mean for those of Us who lead ‘straight’ lives and don’t feel we fit into ANY box?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who could care less about all this stuff?

I’m still trying to figure that out. (I am a flag waving Out Loud & Proud kinda chick…but most of you aren’t…)

 

Can you tell me how society’s progression has helped you feel more clarity surrounding your own life? 

Do you feel it’s okay to BE BISEXUAL and a human in a long term relationship in today’s society?

PLEASE COMMENT BELOW, I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR FEEDBACK!

-Jay Dee, Founder

We’re Entering A New Season

Again I’d like to take the opportunity to invite readers and visitors to volunteer for Living Bi so we can keep this space running. My life has become a bit cumbersome and I can’t do everything that needs to be done with the small staff we have. We need more folks on board to help keep this space running and growing.

We have a ton of opportunities available, mostly remote, to be done in your own time.

Here’s what we need:

• Contributing Authors (for all tabs)
• Content Contributors (for all tabs)
• Moderator (approve comments daily)
• Welcome Contributors (welcome new visitors)
• Social Media Manager (G+, Twitter, FB, Pinterest)
• Editor
• Videographer/Photographer (for events, must be local NYC)
• Support group facilitator (Brooklyn, NY)
• ALL LIVINGBI/BIWIFELIFE READERS to CONSIDER showing up & turning up for the NYC Pride March in June. If you’d like more information stay tuned. This year may be our first year marching with Our own banner! It would be awesome to have you alongside Us 🙂

If you are interested in any of the open volunteer positions send an email to biwifelife@gmail.com with which position you’re interested in, what you can contribute and why you’d like to contribute. We’ll go from there. 🙂

Help us keep our content fresh, relevant and supportive. It’s readers like YOU who power this space. Even one day a week, one contribution every two weeks, volunteering once a month can make a difference in how this space shows up and supports people.

Think about it, talk to your partner/s about it, matter of fact, both/all of you can volunteer 🙂

-Jay Dee, Founder