It’s been quite a while (again) since I’ve written here and for that, I offer my deepest apologies… but I’ve been busy mentoring a guy on the West Coast in the ways of male bisexuality. There are a lot of men – and even women – who want to explore bisexuality, don’t really know what to do, how and when to do it, and some just go ahead and jump into the deep and murky waters of bisexuality without understanding what lies beneath the surface.
Once they’ve accepted that, yeah, I’m bisexual, the next thing they should do is find someone who can show them the “proper” way to dive in and not wind up landing on a rock. Admittedly, a lot of folks are looking for that person they can have their first sexual experience with but without someone with experience to guide them toward this epic moment, the results can be iffy because being bisexual and having the sex is only one part of the equation – that part is easily done but what isn’t so easy is understanding how your life will change.
So, the guy I’m mentoring for, wow, over a year now, had always felt the pull of bisexuality but dismissed it to focus on women, just like any other red and hot-blooded male. The pull got stronger in his college days and he told me about the many chances he had to take the plunge with his hot Latino roommate… but never did. He was now aware of his desires and, as expected, struggled with them.
According to him, five years ago, he had his first sexual experience with a man – received oral sex from him after a long session of petting; two years later, he had his second experience and one that was more involved and included a somewhat failed attempt at anal sex. Sometime after that, he found my blog and reached out to me about dealing with this, asked for my help, and I agreed to take him to school and teach him that being bisexual is much more than putting A into B and/or C; there is a history and a mindset that also must be understood.
He’s the first guy I’ve mentored in a long time and he’s proven to be an excellent and willing student; he’s smart, intuitive, and can be introspective so he can examine his thoughts and feelings so he can better understand how bisexuality has changed his life and his whole outlook on many things that have nothing to do with getting naked with someone. I’ve put him through a lot of tough challenges, have given him “homework” assignments that challenges his perceptions and ideology and have tasked him to look beyond what he thinks he knows and find where the reality lives.
He’s responded well, although I have had to give him detention at times and I’ve chastised him on occasion for losing perspective of the big picture. I know about every moment he’s had sex with a guy – he’s required to tell me what he was thinking and feeling and, um, wow, he’s been busy as he’s currently “involved” with several men who are showing him many aspects of male sexuality that keeps him in his toes, centered, and firmly grounded.
One important thing he had to learn was about the “top, bottom, versatile” labels both gay and bisexual men like to use: While he calls himself a top, in my school of bisexuality, to be a good top, you should know what it’s like to be one of the other two things. It’s a valuable lesson in understanding what is like to be on the other side of a sexual situation with a man and, equally important, to understand what men often put women through sexually.
Yep: He’s been screwed and, I can’t help it but it’s been funny as hell. He talks to me about what we call “that bitch feeling,” a particular feeling some men experience when having sex with another man (and not meant to insult any women) and he’s been learning that while you cannot make it go away, you can learn to embrace it so that the sex taking place can be enjoyed to the fullest extent possible. It hasn’t been easy for him but as I told him, he needs to know what it feels like to submit to a man’s lust and not to be hypocritical about it, like, if it’s okay for him to pound a guy’s butt and, uh, inseminate him, then it should be just as okay to experience the same thing: If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.
He’s my best “student” ever; he’s bold, less fearful and, very important, is aware of the consequences of his actions; he’s more safety conscious (not that he wasn’t before) and given the diversity of the men he’s involved with and is attracted to, he’s learning the most important lesson any bisexual needs to learn: That being bisexual isn’t just about the sex.
Being bisexual changes the way you look at life, reveals the flaws in the dogma that our morality is based upon and shows how diverse people can be when it comes to life, living, and loving. He said to me, via one of the many texts I get from him on any given day, that he doesn’t know how all of this would have turned out for him had I not agreed to mentor him and feels that he’s a better bisexual man now than he was before.
It’s high praise but I’m just happy to have been able to make a difference in his life and that being bisexual doesn’t diminish him.
KDaddy23, Contributing Author