Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That  says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.


I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved 🙂

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s  no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder






It’s Been a Long Time…

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a really long time. 😦

I’ve had to take time away to focus on career and family.

So much happened at once we just couldn’t believe it!

Career opportunities came at me left and right AND 4 of my daughters were pregnant at the same time!!!

There’s been a whirlwind of engagements, breakups, births & career climbing opportunities. I even returned to college 🙂

A lot’s been going on but the dust is settling a bit…just about.

A few nights ago my husband and I had a very honest conversation about our sexual needs & identities again, for the gazillionth time.

We’re a family of all queer folks, as usual we’re super hyped, it’s Pride month!

As I write, one of our our daughters just turned 8 months pregnant, she’s 24 and has a 15 month old. They live at home with us.

I’m in summer classes from hell…and we’re avidly working on buying a home out of state by this coming Fall *fingers crossed* ❤

We are at capacity with life and there’s no leisure time, no getaway time, barely any privacy and little time to sleep.

As a result of everything going on, my BiWifeLife and hubby’s BiHusbandLife has been way blah… 😦

Hubby and I haven’t had a bi encounter in months and we’re both at a point where NSA encounters just aren’t ‘it’ for us anymore, where they once fit our needs just right.

Over the past couple years, we’ve had no time for relationships, no time for building relationships.

Although we’re at capacity with life, at this juncture we’d love to have friends we could spend time with and get away from home/work/school & kids sometimes.

Our ideal situation would be a couple like ourselves, a both bi couple. A situation where the husbands, and the wives can bond over time 😉

Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near that simple.

“At times it’s very uncomfortable for us because we’re not viewed in the light we view ourselves-married but looking, for the same gender.” 

We’re both bisexual and feel very comfortable in Queer spaces.

Problem is, we show up with this level of hetero-normalcy that makes our Queer brothers and sisters question why we’re in a Queer space.

We are a man and a woman, obviously in love and married.

We’ve discussed wearing Bi Pride gear such as tee’s, rings, necklaces or bracelets. He’s just not the kind of guy to wear Bi gear no matter how I try to convince him…so far 😉

Today we discussed maybe going out separately for the first time ever. We both have no problem attracting either gender.

The problem with going out separately is, we’re madly in love. 

We love spending as much time together as possible. We have fun with each other. We don’t want to go out alone, as if we are single people. :/

In our experience men don’t tend to want men who are married unless it’s a DL/secret thing. Women don’t want a woman that has a husband-unless he has nothing to do with the relationship.

We don’t want to have relationships OUTSIDE of our marriage. We want relationships that are a PART of our marriage, with another male, and female. Preferably an interchangeable Quad. 

It would be nice to be with someone I feel comfortable kissing, him to find someone he can try new things with.

We’re both very health conscious and we both don’t want to be inhibited by protective measures, unknown variables and potential concerns.

Of course we want to be our freest selves with our partners, as we are with each other. We’re a bit unique in we both enjoy sharing our spouse with the same sex.

Our days and nights are frequently spent talking about, looking for and trying to figure out how we can find the partners we so strongly crave.

We have yet to come across a bi couple with a bi husband and bi wife who are both looking for same sex partners.

That’s our BiWife/BiHusband struggle at this point :/ Any suggestions?

-Jay Dee, Founder