So, in an effort to get down to the bones of things so to speak I decided to blog about my experiences since my life is pretty boring right now.
Struggles. Struggles are a huge part of why I started this blog. The struggle of finding a spouse who could love me and my sexual quirks as well as the struggle of finding a woman who is understanding enough to share me with a man.
I was blessed with a wonderfully supportive husband who doesn’t make my sexuality something I don’t like. I don’t know if that makes sense but I’ve been in relationships where I just cried and cried wishing I were straight.
I hated being bisexual. I was flawed, promiscuous, greedy, unfaithful, a sexual freak in everyone’s eyes.
I don’t know who was worse, the dudes or the chicks in my persecution.
The guys always wanted to screw my chick, my chick was always jealous of my dude. The cross jealousy was too much sometimes, especially if they didn’t like each other.
I tried to be straight. I knew I could never be a lesbian. My tang and my religious beliefs wouldn’t let me forsake penis for all of life. No way.
I tried to be a righteous woman, bowing to my husband’s will, serving God first my husband second. I tried to pray it away, ignore it and did all the torturous stuff we bi/gay folks do when we pretend or try to be straight.
It was horrible. I was haunted.
When I divorced I vowed to hold out on serious relationships with ANY GENDER unless the person was truly and fully accepting of my sexuality.
My first straight relationship out of divorce was The One. He still is.
I thought my girlfriend (who had a boyfriend/fiance) was Her. She was for a while there until her and her boyfriend broke up while I was dating my new boyfriend. She all of a sudden wanted me to go les, drop him and ride off into the sunset with her. There was no way. I was falling in love with him despite my deep and passionate love for her.
He was perfect for me, even if she wasn’t.
Her and I broke up.
Shortly after I met a woman who fell in love with both my husband and myself. She was exactly what we wanted in a female at that time. She fit us and our needs, we fit hers. It lasted a year. She loved him so much she wanted his baby and tried to go about it the sneaky way.
He ended it.
I’ve been single ever since (no girlfriend, still married of course!) and I’m just so exhausted of the extra bullshit madness that comes with the female search while being married to a man.
That’s a ride we took for a whole year. Searching for Her. #Unicorn
We met some women along the way but found it’s not always them that’s the problem. I know sometimes it can be me.
One woman we met in particular stands out in my mind. She was interested in us both, great, stable, carefree life. Good paying established career, god fearing, good family who knew her sexuality, nice home, nice car, awesome personality. She really liked us and what we were about in return.
When I met her in person she was flawless. Like perfection flawless skin, features, and gosh her shape was killer!!!
She was everything my husband wanted in a woman, they got along so well over the phone, shared so much in common. I felt threatened and I said so! He of course assured me there was no need. I didn’t believe him. We never called her back. I saw them riding off into the sunset in my mind and it scared the shit out of me. Not my husband, my perfect-for-me husband!
‘The Challenges I’ve Faced’ list could go on and on and on from finding a chill chick to renting a hotel room with 3 people.
I have no idea if I’ll ever find the woman who completes me as I’ve found the man to be my better half. What I do know is I’m tired of looking. Thus I am not. Our Universes will bring us together if we were meant to be I strongly believe.
If She’s out there.
If I get tired of waiting I’ll go looking again.
For now, I’m resting.
WHAT CHALLENGES HAVE YOU FACED AS A BIWIFE?
-Jay Dee, Founder