WHY HAS IT BEEN SO LONG???

To be honest, I’ve thought of you all here, in this space I created so long ago. I’ve tried to come here, to post, to interact with folks but my life was changing in ways I couldn’t understand and manage at times. So, I refrained from writing until I could figure things out.

It was our amazing @KDaddy who has been keeping this space going. Let’s take a moment to celebrate and honor his commitment to us and our community. Show some love below with a comment for him if you’ve had the pleasure of engaging with his work. Disclaimer: I haven’t read all of his posts but I trust his opinion to be his own. I find him to be very insightful, thought provoking and informative.

Kudos to KDaddy!!! Thank you for providing a space and platform for folks in my absence. Your dedication to this space is absolutely amazing and I’m grateful you’re here. We all are 🙂

My life was so different when I started this blog. I’d been happliy married about three years.

My life was complete and growing. As the years went by, our marriage began to change gradually. A few years ago, just before the pandemic, my husband’s perceptions of sexuality began shifting.

By the time we were told to ‘shelter in place’ during the pandemic, I knew everything would change. My husband’s sexuality is rooted in a dichotomy of things. He wasn’t taught to be okay with himself. He was taught fire, brimstone & reinforced toxic masculinity (that he never embodied) & homosexual/bisexual stigmas.

I was taught those same things by family but raised by a strong lesbian woman who just happened to have two kids.

My mother has always been masculine presenting. I was raised with an amazing stepfather from age 2 to 11 years old. He still is an amazing stepdad. My mother was always free to be herself, as was he.

They were a love story for the history books. All the whimsical things a girl could imagine. My mom had the sweetest courtship experience with him, a whimsical romance with a hardworking, funny guy that was (still is) great with kids. They were two young people in love with a growing family.

Why they broke up is not relevant but the impression my mom could be herself despite being in a relationship with a man stuck with me for life. She was wholly and completely loved by him in the most authentic of ways, because she was her. He loved her for who she was and who she wasn’t.

Being bisexual does not mean that lying, cheating or doing things that would make our partner uncomfortable is okay, not even if they going along with or ‘allow’ it. Should your pleasure be centered at the expense of your partner’s comfortability? What kind of relationship damage could that potentially cause if any?

Being bisexual does not mean it’s okay to do things our partners don’t know about because of our sexuality and urges. Justifying cheating because of bisexuality has always irritated me. Remember the simple youthful adage we were told, “Do unto others as you’d have done unto you.”? Yea, nobody wants to get cheated on, with any gender.

I idealized having a partner who honors transparency, authenticity, and in some cases bravery. A partner that understands all the many aspects of who I am and loves each tiny piece that makes me unique and special. A partner that I can have open, honest, effective communication with. I get these ideals from their love, or what I knew of it.

My spouse was that person from the moment we met to the day we both understood, that’s no longer who he is.

My stepfather loves my mom the same way he did when I was a little girl to this date. They haven’t been together in over 30 years, but his eyes still light up with love when he talks about her. I still blush and get butterflies thinking about these two dancing in the living room to Lionel Richie or hosting a family picnic and feeding each other fruit on the blanket while we played in the grass.

Back then it looked strange to people.

People thought a Black guy (stepdad) and a Mexican guy (mom) were on a date in the park with kids, back in the 80s! Then they’d look closer and see her double D’s mashed down with a sports bra under her favored lumberjack patterned button down shirt. The confusion on people’s faces as we grew up was always humorous to us. Like, she’s just my mommy. Nothing to be confused about. True to kid’s natures’ we called her name ‘mommy’ several thousand times a day. Somehow that confused people also, lol.

I ‘came out’ as bisexual when I was 11 years old, my mom was very disappointed I was interested in men. She’d hoped I’d be a lesbian. I’ve been married to my husband since 2011. He was only the 2nd guy I ever dated that was mom approved. 🙂 The first one I also married in 2004. He passed away in 2009 after being married only 5 years. I remarried in 2012.

Mom couldn’t understand how I could marry a man. Her and my stepmother have been together over 25 years now. She wanted the same for me.

I was sent my other half, and he happened to be a male. I was happy, mom was happy for me. However, she really wished I would have married my long-term girlfriend of 2 years who I was with when I met my current husband.

Mom wondered why not her instead of him. For me at the time it was religious reasons. Also, I believe I should have the right to marry a man and a woman as a bisexual human which would complete my bilife but that’s a huge uphill conversation, so I chose one, the one that was religiously and politically correct (pc).

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have bought into the social bullshit, but I did. I also married a man I loved wholeheartedly and fit me just right, so it wasn’t just a pc move but didn’t hurt either of us that we look very pc.

During my current marriage we’ve had two long term relationships with women over the years and other experiences. In this space I don’t tell his story, that’s for him to tell. However, we had a robust lifestyle.

Then something happened to my husband which I can’t explain. He began to change just before the pandemic. He became uncomfortable with any sort of homosexuality. He would become visibly uncomfortable at the topic. Speaking about it was not easy anymore. He’s a quiet guy and if he doesn’t want to talk about something, he doesn’t. He already doesn’t say much to begin with.

Around the Fall of 2019 the communication began to break down in our relationship. Not around seeing others or bisexuality, just period.

If you’ve followed this blog or visited any archived posts, you’ll see I’m BIG on Open, Honest, Effective communication.

Just because I am, doesn’t mean my spouse is. He used to be.

About a year into the pandemic, I asked him, “Are we suddenly hetero monogamous?” he laughed and said, “I guess so.” I told him that’s not how my sexuality works. I can’t settle into a relationship and gradually just not be bisexual anymore. He asked did I want to see other people, was I already talking to someone, etc. I told him of course not, it’s not about other people, it’s about us being okay with each other and how we identify.

After 13 years together, we may not have many more tomorrows as partners due to our shifted compatibility, our now absolute incompatibility in so many areas of life, including sexuality.

I’ve covered this before in this blog, getting into a relationship does not mean a bisexual person is heterosexual or homosexual. It means we found a person we are compatible with.

If a bisexual person elects to become involved in a long-term monogamous relationship, that’s great.

If a bisexual person (or any person) is poly that should be stated up front. Polyamory isn’t an automatic thing because someone is bisexual either.

Monogamy can include sexual experimentation outside of the relationship as a couple, individually or not.

It’s up to the couple’s agreed preferences.

Mono meaning single or one is just that.

When bisexual people commit to ONE person, monogamy, being bisexual doesn’t go away.

Some emotional, physical and mental desires are repressed, unfulfilled. Some parts of self are denied, sacrificed in the process of loving and committing to one person, excluding all others.

It’s a communication thing that has to be aligned with the couple’s preferences and boundaries. As I’ve gotten older my perspective on my sexuality has gotten much more complex also, but I’m still bisexual.

I haven’t been intimate with a woman since 2018/19 maybe…? Ah yes, a playboy bunny at a swinger’s party we went to…. or was it when we accidentally fucked a Trumpster couple at the NYE Swinger’s ball?

I can’t recall exactly but all I know is that the man I married has changed in ways that has made us extremely incompatible in ways that are completely unrelated to sex or sexuality.

We still have regular mind-blowing sex (that has changed, A LOT but is still toe popping freaking amazing) and that’s mind blowing. It’s mind blowing that sex is the primary area that we’re still very compatible in despite dramatic changes to that area of our lives also. It’s even more mind blowing that he still completes me in that area despite our overall incompatibility. We’re still okay with conducting mutual business and great with the kids, but outside of that, we’re just not compatible in any other ways and it’s heartbreaking. I miss my person to share & enjoy the fun parts of life with. Not just the obligations.

No marriage survives on sex alone.

Open, honest, effective communication keeps marriages alive.

I’ll still be a BiWife, even if I’m not a wife anymore.

Him and I had over a decade of experiences together to recall, reflect on and unpack to support the relationships of others.

Maybe one day soon, I’ll just be LivingBi.

I don’t have any plans to date anyone, male, female or otherwise. I love/d my person, he was a perfect balance of male and female. He completed me. I didn’t need a woman to feel complete with him. Which is how we probably settled into monogamy for the past 4 or so years.

Again, bisexuality didn’t break down our marriage, but homophobia is a factor. I don’t tolerate homophobia in any form whatsoever.

I began defending the rights of LGBTQAI folks because my mother deserves to live a stigma free, full, peaceful & safe life no matter how she looks or who she loves.

In previous posts I talk about how our hetero-normal appearing marriage and family made homophobes feel like they could hate speak freely around us. We have gotten more than an earful over the years and have deflated many a hetero-inflated ego with a simple “We’re both bisexual.”

Being in a long-term marriage with a multi-generational family & still bisexual allowed me a unique platform to advocate for destigmatization of bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and I am grateful.

I saw forever with him but maybe I’ll have more to blog about as time unfolds.

Who knows?

I hope this space continues to thrive in support of each other until next time.

With so much love for you and your partners.

-Jay, Founder