I’d like to thank K Daddy for his insight into how bisexuality, poly life and how ‘all the fun and games’ can lead to the demise of relationships. He posted some really good examples of how things can go awry even when we think they’re good for the long haul. Navigating different personalities is always going to come with challenges.
Dynamics change, people change. We must be adaptable, or we can risk our relationships. Staying true to ourselves as a bisexual human while navigating a long-term relationship or more than one relationship can be a bit much to handle for some. For others despite the effortlessness of some situations, variables can happen and change entire dynamics.
No matter one’s sexuality or gender identity, it is always important to listen to and respect your partner’s feelings. Open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other is what keeps relationships alive and healthy. If those components change or are absent for any reason, relationships can get prickly, lol.
Let’s also thank K. Daddy for the nudge into sharing more around my particular situation. So here goes.
I first need to emphasize that sexuality and poly life had NOTHING to do with the changes in my marriage. Conflict around very new cultural differences and my husband’s changing communication style has everything to do with it.
After asking my husband “Are we suddenly hetero monogamous now?” he jokingly answered, “I guess so.” and I told him “My sexuality doesn’t work like that.”, that was the last conversation on the topic. It was short, sweet and non-confrontational.
It was playful but we both understood that understanding was understood. Play time was over. We were monogamous and that was that. Ours was a religious marriage first and foremost so I didn’t feel a way about that change in our marriage. With the pandemic we both agreed, it was not that serious to risk our health for ‘fun’. It was safer at home with each other.
We had a poly marriage for nearly 10 years. We had fun through those years. We have a lifetime of amazing memories and experiences. I guess those were just the ‘heydays’ of our marriage. We’ve both been cool with that time period being just that, a time in our marriage.
I have several biwife friends and family members in various stages of their relationships (new moms, newlyweds, long term wed, newly bisexual, closeted bisexuals) who are experiencing situations where their suppressed desires are problematic and/or they have varying girl situations, and the topic is difficult for them and their partners to discuss. I have a male bi relative that goes through SO much with women when in long term relationships and dating. He’s very open about his bisexuality. His experiences are very eye opening around bi stigma.
They are what brought me back to this space despite not really having anything to blog about personally. Supporting community, family, friends and all the other bisexual humans navigating life in and pursuing long term relationships and marriages is what this space was created for. It’s not my personal blog but I drew from personal experiences for subject topics at times.
Not everything I have and will blog about is my situation.
In my marriage, it looks like our play days just phased out of the relationship and it’s not even a topic discussion or an issue. It hasn’t been important. We had lots of fun when we did, so maybe that satiated us. Who knows?
For the past couple of years, my husband has been developing new cultural differences that have become centered in our marriage and working those out are most important. It was our bond that made our play days our heydays instead of breaking us apart. That bond is what we’re working to save amid shifting cultural beliefs.
As I’ve said before, he completed me as a partner despite my bisexuality. Although I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship before, the past few years I’ve had no time to focus on sexuality. I’ve been losing my person!
Bisexuality is as inherent to me as my skin color. I don’t stop being a brown woman because I have a long-sleeved shirt on.
Since we mutually agreed to stop dating that was that and it hasn’t been a topic discussion since. I am still bisexual but I’m not dating, looking for a female partner or for sex with anyone but my husband. My focus has been on navigating the stability of our relationship while watching the changes in my person happen, thus my absence from this space.
I don’t have to be actively seeking a partner or sexual intimacy with a woman to be bisexual. I don’t have to have repressed sexual desires to be bisexual. I liked boys and girls from the time I started ‘liking’ people as a single digit kid. I had no idea what bisexual was or meant. As far as I know, I’ve always just been bisexual.
Just because I’m in a hetero monogamous relationship doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual anymore.
There are ebbs and flows to sexuality as with anything else in life. All of life is transient. Nothing is static.
Our marriage is like any other marriage with trials and tribulations. Marriages can be impacted by many things including finances, career, in-laws, children, religion, politics, all kinds of situations and differences. We’ve dealt with and overcome a bit of this and a bit of that over the years and we’ve come through it all by using strong communication and implementing strategies within our shared beliefs.
My husband’s views are now polar opposite of all we’d shared together over the years. Every part of his being has changed and I’m still here loving a version of him that doesn’t exist anymore. In many ways, he just looks like the man I love(d?). In ways he is the man I’ve always loved, just a new version.
In even more ways, he is so different some days I wonder how will we ever move forward? I did not fall in love with this new person. Can I? I’m not sure, I’m still in love with my person! That’s tough because this new person, he’s in my husband, my person’s body!
My husband is a new person that I didn’t choose to marry but one I’m married to. He’s not bad, he’s just VERY different and I didn’t get to choose this person to spend my life with. I just woke up with him one day, it looks like this is the new ‘him’ and ‘he’s’ here to stay.
I’ve had no space to think outside of my marriage, no desire to do so. My focus has been the health and longevity of our marriage if we can find that. To have him as my life partner was more valuable than to have any other person in the world as my partner, which is why I married him.
We’re doing our best to work through our differences and save our marriage. However, communication is a huge part of making it work.
As I’ve said in my previous post, if he doesn’t want to talk about something he doesn’t. That doesn’t leave room to resolve differences. That’s very new and very difficult for me to deal with from him. He’s always been very emotionally open, listened and communicated very well with me.
Only time will tell what will happen in our marriage, but sexuality, bisexuality and polyamory had nothing to do with the changes we’re experiencing.
He loves me and I him and our sexualities are the last thing to negatively impact us. Communication is key. Culture is what it is, and conflict due to cultural differences have to be worked out for any interpersonal relationship to be sustainable. Conflict can be healthy and build stronger relationships or conflict can ruin relationships.
Without open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other, how long can a relationship really last (even with mind blowing sex and getting along around shared responsibilities)?
What do you think about conflict around cultural differences in relationships and communication? What about one’s partner changing in very different ways and the longevity of the relationship? Is bisexuality a constant state of actions or is it inherent to one’s being?
Please, don’t forget share your thoughts and insight below,
As always, I wish each of your relationships open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love, longevity and respect for each other!
-Jay, Founder
LivingBi/BiWifeLife 
I’ve seen “trends” where we don’t talk to each other – we talk at each other; getting loud, pushy, defensive, etc., trying to get our point across while not wanting to hear what the other person has to say and I’m not sure if this is cultural as it is… just plain rude. People change. When you get married, you’re expected to remain static and “consistent” and, um, don’t be changing anything. But that doesn’t mean that a person can’t change or be aware that they need to do something to “fix” stuff with them or they’ve been going along this static course and how ’bout we change things up so that it’s not the same shit, different day, every damned day?
The problem isn’t that people change; the problem is we don’t expect our partner to change and they are to stay the course and no matter what so when the tiniest change occurs, chaos tends to ensue or like I’ve said to my lady at times, “You act like you’re the only one allowed to change and I’m not supposed to… and you done hit your head or something.”
We don’t expect them to change and when they do, we are slow to react to it in a positive way and also tend to suspect that some shady shit is afoot when, chances are, it’s not like that. This is a moment when open and honest and MEANINGFUL communication should be taking place but, yeah, methinks this is a lost art and skill that a lot of people never learn and never develop.
It has long since been proven that if you cannot and do not develop these very necessary communication skills, your relationship is already dead – it’s just waiting to lie down. You not only have to learn how to talk to someone, you have to learn how to talk WITH them and to let them know that we need to be open and honest in our talks – and do so without fear of reprisal, ridicule, or dismissal. And… we don’t know how to do this culturally.
Bisexuality is… both. Like, I know it’s a constant with me and has been since my beginning and, as such, it becomes inherent to me or, like I say, it’s like breathing; I don’t think about being bisexual because I just am and the only time I do find reason to think about it is when I’m in a situation that’s like having a stuffy nose – and the only time you are really focusing on your ability to breathe easily and freely.
It’s not “a constant state of actions” like all sex, all of the time, anyone, anywhere, anytime but, sure, it can be like that if you got it like that but it’s not about what you do: It’s about why you do it that drives the actual actions and the actions are… anything that you might do. Bisexuality not only taught me that there are two sides to a story; it taught me that all things are possible, all things are doable, and everything is negotiable and I see things differently which works towards the actions I take or don’t or, let’s see, it’s like a multiple choice test and there are a lot of right answers and I just have to pick the one that’s going to work the best for the situation at hand.
It’s a constant state of actions where the action is… being yourself and, importantly, always remaining true to who – and what – you are and then, doing so in a world that’s not all that keen about how you prefer to be intimate with people – how dare you be different! The “weirdness” of being as consistent as possible while being open to change – and not being afraid to change if that is the best course of action – and the understanding that if you change, it impacts whomever you happen to be with as well.
Does this answer your questions?
Yeeeeeeeeeees KDaddy! This is why I love you here!
All of it but “Bisexuality is… both. Like, I know it’s a constant with me and has been since my beginning and, as such, it becomes inherent to me or, like I say, it’s like breathing; I don’t think about being bisexual because I just am and the only time I do find reason to think about it is when I’m in a situation that’s like having a stuffy nose – and the only time you are really focusing on your ability to breathe easily and freely.” & ” it’s like a multiple choice test and there are a lot of right answers and I just have to pick the one that’s going to work the best for the situation at hand.” omg your insight is so powful!
But the way you closed out, yaaaaaas! Thank you so much for your response!!
Anyone else like to share with us their thoughts and perspectives?
Come on let’s make it juicy 😉
-Jay, Founder
There’s the Jay I know and love and have missed!