If You Were My Woman…

I thought I’d stop by and write something… encouraging.  As you may know, I am bisexual; been this way pretty much all of my life and, as such, I’ve learned a lot of things about love, sex, and relationships that are… unconventional, non-traditional, maybe even off the beaten track – and certainly some things that can make a lot of people quite nervous.  Bisexuality is the great big elephant in the room; we know it’s there but we want – choose – to ignore it and not so much because it cannot be reasoned that this sexuality aspect can have far-reaching benefits but, mainly and mostly, we’re overly worried about what others will think of us should it become known that we’re just not as straight as “everyone” else is.

I am aware of the plight many bisexuals face, both men and women and while single bisexuals have “issues,” bisexuals in a relationship are, in fact, in the worst imaginable situation.  As I sat down to write this, I was thinking about a woman I was talking to many years ago who had discovered her bisexuality but, like a lot of women, hooked up with a guy who didn’t believe in such things.  She had asked me, “If you were my man, how would you handle this?”  And this is how I answered her.

If you were my woman and you told me, I found out, or even suspected that you were bisexual, the first thing I’d want to do is sit down with you to talk about it and since I’m the kind of guy who needs all the information available in order to offer opinions, make decisions, etc., the more you can tell me about this, the better.  Now, I know – and can easily guess – that there are probably some things about this that you’re gonna find embarrassing or you’re afraid I’m gonna rip your head off for this so I want to assure you that, one, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I give you my word of honor that I’m not going to jump all in your ass about this.  One, there’s no reason to and, two, well, that behavior just doesn’t work.  I’m not going to accuse you of any impropriety and, again, being the type of person I am, just because you’re thinking about something like this doesn’t mean you’re gonna run out and do whatever you were thinking.  I’d want you to be comfortable talking to me about this because this is about you… and I’m about you as well; what bothers you bothers me and what makes you happy makes me happy, okay?

I had said this much to the woman and I had her undivided attention.  She asked, “So, you wouldn’t be all bent out of shape if I told you I like women?”

“No; who am I to say who you’re supposed to like and not like?” I replied.  “What I would ask is how much do you like women and in what ways you do.”

“Just like that?” she asked.

“Just like that,” I said.  “I want you to keep in mind, as we talk about this, that I’m not your run of the mill guy and that I both see and understand a lot of things differently, okay?”

She nodded, took a deep breath, and “went for the jugular” by asking, “So if I told you I wanted to sleep with my best friend, that wouldn’t bother you?”

“Wouldn’t bother me in the least bit,” I said honestly.

“Why not?” she asked.

“You’re my woman… but I don’t own you; I can ask you not to do this or that but you will always have the final say, right?  Grownup enough to make your own decisions about things?  I ain’t the boss of you and all that?” I said.

She laughed.

“But I would ask you, because it’s important, why you want to sleep with her.  I’d ask you to start at the beginning and tell me everything, you know, depending on how comfortable you are.” I said.

“What would you want to know?” she asked.

“Everything.  From the first time the thought crossed your mind up to and including anything you may have done, how close you came to doing something, stuff like that?” I answered.

“What if I don’t wanna tell you?” she asked.

“You don’t have to but if you don’t, you’re not helping me to understand what’s going on with you; remember, everything that affects you will ultimately affect me.  So if you wanna invoke the Fifth Amendment, I have no choice but to be good with that; I can’t make you say anything, can I?”

“Where have you been all of my life?” she asked.  “But what if I don’t believe you’re not gonna ‘kick my ass’ because I’ve told you this?”

“Then you don’t believe me,” I said with a shrug.  “And, no, I don’t know what I could do or say to make you believe me.  Look, I’m your man and my ‘job’ is not only to make and keep you happy but to also do whatever I can do toward that goal.  That being said, if I don’t own you and ain’t the boss of you, how can I make you believe me if you don’t want to?”

“Shit… are there any more like you at home?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said with a laugh of my own.

“Why would you let me sleep with my best friend?” she asked.

“Because you want to and I’m assuming your best friend would love to get you naked as well,” I said.

“No other reason than that?” she asked.

“Is there any other reason?” I asked.

“What’s in it for you?” she asked.  “You gonna want to sleep with both of us?”

“In that order, nothing other than you being happy.  Would I want to sleep with the both of you?  Honestly?  What guy wouldn’t?  Still, this ain’t about what I would want – this is about what you want and if, by chance, the two of you invited me, well, I’m not gonna turn down the invite; I don’t believe in being in something that you don’t or wouldn’t want me being in.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re too good to be true?” she asked.

“More times than I care to think about.  Again, you don’t have to believe me and yeah, I do know what it’s like to be with a woman who likes women; it’s why I can answer you the way I am – been there, done that and, importantly, I know the right way to handle this.”

“Well, shit,” she said.  “Your woman likes women?”

“She does,” I said.

“And you let her sleep with women?”

“Yes, although ‘let her’ isn’t the right phrase; she wanted to, made a case why she should be allowed to, and I agreed with it,” I said.

“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.

“At first it did but I got over it,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I know about every woman she’s ever slept with.”

“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna dump you for a woman?” she asked.

“Yeah but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there?  I like to say that it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in a relationship and you can lose someone just as fast and as easily as you were able to hook up with them in the first place,” I said.  “All I can do is ask her to reconsider things but if she doesn’t want to, well, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“Was that hard for you to accept?” she asked.

“Very much so; this situation is some eye-opening shit,” I replied.  “But, if my ‘job’ is to make and keep her happy, I felt I didn’t have any choice but to accept the potential for losing her to someone else; no one wants to really think about that but you gotta face the reality of things.”

“So, if I were your woman and I wanted to sleep with other women, you’d be all for it?” she asked.

“Sure, why not?  It would make you happy and your happiness would spread to me, wouldn’t it?” I asked.

“What if I told you that I’d already slept with my best friend?  Would that change your attitude?” she asked, giving me a daring kind of look.

“No, not really; you can’t do shit about something that has already happened,” I said.  “I might be… miffed that you didn’t mention that until now but at least I understand why you didn’t.  But I can overlook that so I could ask you a question.”

“What would that be?” she asked.

“Did you have fun with her?” I asked.

“For real?” she asked.

“Well, if we’re now talking about something you actually did, yeah – the question is still valid, isn’t it?” I asked.

“It was all that and then some,” she said.  “My man, well, he don’t know about that… but if you were my man and I told you I’d already slept with her – and more than once – you’d still be good with it?”

“I would be; you act like I really have a choice in the matter,” I said.  “What matters, since we’re now having this conversation – all late and wrong – is what do you wanna do going forward and how do you see it affecting our relationship?  Big changes?  Little ones?  Nothing to write home to mom about?  I can’t answer these kinds of questions and I’d have rely on you to tell me what the deal is going forward… and if you’re even gonna go forward.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I love you; what other reason is there?” I asked.  “See, I had this happen to me and it made me rethink what being in love with someone really meant; a lot of people have a lot of stuff they won’t do just for the sake of love… but this?  I can do this.  Besides – and now I’m talking real life – I know something your man probably doesn’t.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Crudely, if it’s pussy you want and need, he doesn’t have one,” I said.  “There is nothing he can do about it and I’m thinking that while he probably screws you pretty good, it’s not enough for you, right?”

“Right,” she said after taking a long moment to answer.

“If you were my woman, well, I’d be aware of that already but it doesn’t change my job, which is to do whatever I can to make and keep you happy, does it?” I asked.  “You need something I can’t give you because, duh, I don’t have it.  Now, I could forbid you to get it… but that’s more likely to make you go get it anyway since, you remember, I ain’t the boss of you.  But, if I said it was okay with me for you to have it, would that be something you’d be interested in?  Am I losing anything?  If we’re talking about us having sex, I’m thinking that now that you’re getting the other stuff you need, I’m gonna be getting more of it, too, right?”

“And if you weren’t?” she asked.

“Well, we’d need to talk about that,” I said, with a laugh.  “Because, you know, you are kinda hot and desirable…”

“Boy, stop playing!” she said, taking a playful swipe at me.  “Man, you’re seriously for-real about this, aren’t you?”

“I am… because I have to be since I’m bisexual, too,” I said.

“Get out!” she exclaimed.  “So you know about dick like I do?”

“You betcha,” I said.  “That all by itself is reason to rethink a lot of things in a relationship but, again, this ain’t about me – this is about you and what you need; we can talk about what I might need at some other time, you know, if I were really your man.”

“Shit… I wish you really were; my life would be so much easier and better.  Hey, do you think I could convince you to leave your lady?”

“Probably not, but I appreciate the offer,” I said.

The conversation ended and as she walked away, I was hoping that she could reason with her man and that he’d be able to see that in this, his life with her just might be better if he were okay with her having what she needs for her happiness.  I don’t know what happened with them although I could have called her and asked her; maybe it worked out, maybe she never mentioned it to him or let him know what, apparently, she was already doing with her best friend.

If you love her as much as you say you do, why would you not give her the happiness she wants and needs?  It ain’t about you… but it could affect you in some very bad ways to deprive her of that which she needs – and in addition to what she needs from you.

Be safe!

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

 

How Are You Holding Up?

This pandemic has been a royal bitch and that’s putting it mildly.  On my own blog – and back when sheltering in place was being put into play, I was wondering how this would affect sexuality; one of the things I’ve been seeing is a great increase of the number of people looking for sex and along the sexuality spectrum.  I had wondered if this imposed isolation would get some folks reconsidering whether just being straight or gay wasn’t all that viable an option and more so for all those folks who are sharing a home with a MOTSS – member of the same sex – and because it’s not advisable to go out to get your usual sexual fix, how many people are thinking “any port in a storm?”

I learned a long time ago that when people get stressed and isolated, there’s an incredible urge to have sex and, as I saw on Facebook and Twitter, hmm, come December 2020, there’s going to be a lot of babies being born.  I looked at my own experiences and the times when myself and my peers were bored silly and isolated to the block we lived on and we’d done all we could do within that confinement… but we could sneak off and go have sex because we literally didn’t have anything else or better to do.  The adult version isn’t all that different although there’s always things one can do around the house but being confined like this brings a lot of additional stress like not being able to work, getting laid off and, oh, yeah, those bills aren’t going to just go away, are they?

The isolation also makes for a good condition for conversations to take place if one is of a mind to have them and because there’s only so much you can do without having to leave home to do it.  I suspect that any active bisexuals are losing their minds being grounded and I also suspect that there are, again, a lot of bisexual newbies who are in a situation to, um, not be a newbie any longer and many more who have determined that, you know, this is really a good time to be let off their leash and given how lethal this damned virus is proving to be.  Now, that doesn’t mean that one is going to think, “I’m not gonna get sick!” but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are of a mind that as long as they minimize human contact with a whole lot of people, they’ll be okay because the need for sex, again, becomes quite powerful in situations like this.

I wondered if all the people who are in sexless relationships are rethinking their decision to impose celibacy; I can’t think of a more irritating situation than to be confined with someone who is feeling a greater need to have sex… and you’re not of a mind to accommodate them.  Are such folks changing their mind about that… or is it possible that they could consider allowing that sex-crazed animal they’re stuck with to find their own solutions so that they, themselves, can remain celibate – and for whatever reason they’ve decided to be celibate?

Yep – I’m the guy who’d think about this stuff… because it’s some real-deal stuff.  I don’t profess to know a whole lot about women… but I know guys and I know what can happen when a guy needing sex and he’s at his wit’s end and without their usual outlet for sex being available… and spanking the monkey ain’t having the desired effect.  And even in this, I’ve wondered how people are, um, doing themselves since the privacy that’s usually needed for this has gone out the window and more so for all those folks who are sheltering in place with their children… and those of us who have children damn well know that they are pretty much the perfect birth control method since we’d prefer they not be prematurely exposed to the sex thing… and it’s pretty embarrassing to have them busting in on you while you’re trying to sneak some sexual relief in.

Is this imposed isolation making bisexuals have second thoughts about being bisexual?  Increasing a need to be, ah, more bisexual?  Less?  I found that when one faces a life-threatening situation, yeah, that’ll get you thinking about some stuff.  Quite a few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with unimaginable pain in my chest and after waking my wife up, found myself in the ER, taking doses of nitroglycerin and hooked up to more machines I didn’t think was possible to be connected to.  And, yes – I thought I was having a heart attack that was gonna take me out any moment now and it got me thinking about all of the things I hadn’t done… and, once it became clear that I wasn’t dying, a commitment to get them done.

Years later, when I had my stroke, the same thing flashed through my mind although, admittedly, that list of things I hadn’t gotten around to was way shorter than the original list and, yep – one of the things on the original list was to stop putting limits on my bisexuality so on the new list, it was about not taking my foot off the gas because it’s true that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.  So, sure – I’ve been wondering if there are bisexuals – and bisexuals-in-waiting – who are thinking along these lines and, sure, I’m gonna ask.

Because someone should ask.  So how is everyone holding up in this crisis?

“I’m Lookin’ For a Love”

This is actually the title of a song I heard a long time ago by a group called The Persuasions and it came to mind because bisexuals – both male and female – have a common problem:  Finding a lover.  I’m a member of a forum site for bisexuals and while there are women on this site, eh, we don’t hear much from them but the guys are almost always asking about how they can find a lover and, preferably, a Friend With Benefits rather than the now and much-dreaded casual hookup.  It doesn’t matter whether the guy in question is single, married or otherwise hooked up although, as you all know, the last two things bring their own problems to this party.

A lot of guys will state their preferred or ideal lover and, at least to me, quantum physics is less complicated.  While it’s almost instinctual to ask yourself what kind of person would you want as a lover and then create a long list of rather exact criteria that a potential lover has to meet and most of it is non-negotiable, what usually happens is a guy finds that he’s set the bar way too high and has made it damned near impossible for anyone to meet the required criteria.  Among bi guys, there is a resistance or outright rejection of casual sex that’s taking center stage these days because, for one, a lot of guys are of a mind that if they have an NSA encounter, they’re gonna most definitely get infected with something and, for the other, a lot of bi guys are more relationship-minded than at any other time I can remember so if their dream guy isn’t of a mind to be their FWB, it’s an instant deal breaker.

Then there are the guys who desperately want a male lover… and they’re doing nothing except maybe trolling the apps but, by and large, just sitting on their ass and waiting for a Mr. Right to drop out of the sky and into their lives.  Even if they use one of many apps out there for this, they won’t engage someone who might be checking them out and won’t even agree to meet someone even if it’s just to lay eyes on each other.  Guys are losing their minds about dating other men and asking why it’s so hard to do, why a lot of guys ain’t interested in dating, stuff like that and instead of keeping at it, they throw their hands in the air and just whine and complain about there not being any men they can get with when, usually, what they really mean is that they can’t find a guy who can meet their very exacting requirements and expectations.

I know quite a few bi gals who are like this as well but, being honest, you almost expect women to be highly picky about who gets to get in their panties and while I’ve not seen women looking for women to be… overly detailed about the kind of woman they want to be with, those I know are sitting around wondering why they can’t find their Ms. Right and, sometimes, can’t even find a Ms. Right Now.

And to those men and women I say that if you’re not willing to put in any of the work that’s required to find a lover, you’re not gonna find one.  Yeah, married folks have a different kind of problem with this but the basic premise is still the same whether you have permission or you’ve decided to take matters into your own hand:  You want a lover?  Get to looking for one and the search begins with taking a very close look at where you’ve set the bar and if you’ve actually set the bar too high for anyone to reach.  Yeah, yeah, I know – you want what you want and the way you want it but for those of you looking for a lover, ah, how’s that been working for you?

If I’ve learned nothing about being bisexual, I’ve learned that if you want to have the sex, it’s better that you make it easier to have it rather than to make it damned near impossible for someone to get you into bed.  Yeah, yeah, I know – ain’t too many women fond of being tagged as being easy but when I say make it easier, I mean that the thing anyone should do is have a set of minimum requirements rather than creating that laundry list of requirements that will pretty much guarantee that you’re not gonna find a lover.  Making it easier doesn’t mean being reckless, careless, or anything like that because you still have to be discriminating so that you can protect yourself at all time and if you’re, um, out on the side looking for a lover, making sure your ass is covered and all that.

So if you have a list of requirements, take a very close look at them… then get yourself “out there” so you can look for someone and someone can find you.  Of course, the thing that drives many bisexuals crazy is the fact that you can’t look at someone and tell that they might be bi; hell, you can talk to some people and not get a clue that they’re bi.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t “hang out” in places where people tend to gather and that can be pretty much anywhere and not necessarily the local bar or club.  The biggest and most real problem, of course, is how to strike up a conversation with someone just to find out if they may be bisexual and, yeah, it really does suck to find out that, oops, they aren’t.  I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I know that guys have fits trying to steer conversations in this direction… but many do find a way to squeeze it in since guys, um, well, we like to talk about sex and since we know this, now it’s a matter of “sneaking in” the topic if possible and then gauging their responses… but with the understanding that chances are good that if the other guy is, in fact, bisexual, he might not want to talk about it because bi guy fear being outed more than they fear anything else about this.

A lot of bisexuals can’t find a lover because they keep getting rejected… by people who have set the bar really high.  In this, that’s not any different from “normal” dating and trying to get laid; you might very well make it easy for someone to take you to bed but you can almost bet that other people are making it hard for you and themselves so to that end, the way to go is to not get frustrated over being rejected and you just don’t give up, not if this is something you really want and need.  Again, I don’t know about women in this but I do know that a lot of guys tend to be… pushy and aggressive and that’s a real deal-breaker so it pays to not be pushy and aggressive while not appearing to be needy which, honestly, that’s kinda the truth, ain’t it?  You need a lover so you can have the sex and other intimacies you need?

You’d probably be surprised by the things guys reject other guys for; again, it’s well-known that women can be really funny about who can get naked with them but I’m here to tell you that there are guys that make most women look very easy when it comes to this.  Rejection is just an occupational hazard in any of this but, again, just because you get rejected or you reject someone doesn’t mean that you should stop looking and trying.  You should, in my opinion, ask yourself what is the minimum thing you’re willing to do to get what you want; what are the minimum qualities the other person has to have?  Are stunning looks really a hard-set requirement and are their things in your mind that cannot be negotiated?  Sure… ya might not want to sleep with “just anyone” but it’s still a matter of what, if anything, you’re willing to do to find a lover and whether it’s just for “one night” or something a bit more lasting.

And if you’re sitting around waiting for someone to stumble onto you, well, that ain’t gonna cut it.  Sure, you could get lucky like that but I keep stressing that if you want and need a lover, you gotta do the work it takes to find and get one.  Got a problem with Mr. or Ms. Right Now?  Hmm, maybe rethinking your position on NSA stuff might be in order.  A Mr. or Ms. Right a must for you?  Okay… what’s the least thing they gotta have going for them so that you can consider them?  And might I point out that if you’re looking for instant chemistry, you’re going about this the wrong way because any kind of relationship has to be cultivated – ya gotta look for all of the things you may have in common instead of relying solely on chemistry instantly hitting you like a bolt of lightning and, indeed, a lot of bisexual make themselves sit on the bench because they don’t want to be bothered with creating their own chemistry with someone.

Are you looking for a love or, really, a lover?  What are you doing toward that worthy goal?  What aren’t you doing?  Yeah… married people.  Absolutely the worst situation a bisexual can be in, right?  Got a husband or wife who ain’t feeling you having a lover other than them?  Kinda okay with you having a lover… as long as they can get involved and, yeah, wants to be in charge of whatever you want to do and screen those you wanna do something with?  Yep – this situation puts a very major crimp in your quest to find a lover and the bad part is getting uncrimped is up to you to figure out if you can.  I don’t recommend it but I will say, for the record, that many bisexuals take this matter into their own hands and accept the consequences of their actions – and I’ll leave it at that.

You’re not gonna find a lover if you don’t look for one; a potential lover isn’t going to find you if you’re not “out there” to be found.  If you set the bar too high, chances are very good that the only person who can reach that far only exists inside your head.  If you don’t make this easy on yourself, well, good luck with that.  Don’t get discouraged when you get rejected if you can manage it – it’s a normal part of trying to find a lover and regardless to one’s sexual orientation, right?  And look everywhere and be seen everywhere… because you never know when you just might meet the lover you need and if it happens to be Mr. or Ms. Right Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing because, as I told a guy who was looking for his Mr. Right, if you’re not willing to “interview” people for the position (and that includes sleeping with them if you’re actually feeling them like that), how are you gonna find Mr. Right?  I told him that he didn’t have to be stupid about it but checking out Mr. Right Now will accomplish one important thing:  He was gonna get laid.  So if you’re looking for a lover, eh, you might consider this take on things.

There’s no cut and dried way to go about doing this – your results are definitely gonna vary.  I just happen to know what people do make it harder for them to find a lover or for a potential lover to find them and take them to bed.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

You Are Not Alone

This a kind of PSA for any/all men and women dealing with bisexuality:  You are not as alone in this as you think and feel.  We are legion; we are in such great numbers that we cannot be counted.  I know what it feels like to have these… dual feelings and how weird but kinda wonderful they feel and you almost can’t help getting the sense that you’re the “only one like this” when, in fact, you aren’t… and you never were.  It’s a self-induced mindfuck, actually, and more so if at any time in your life, you were aware of the fact that men have sex with men and women have sex with women so if you learned this, nope – you were never alone in this.

Upon discovery of these feelings, there’s a crazy thing going on; you wanna tell the whole world about how you feel… and you don’t dare tell a soul about it since there are a lot of people who, bluntly, will think you’re some kind of freak or sex fiend because you’re not straight like they are… or not gay like they are.  And even in this, you’re still not alone because there are a lot of bisexuals who are “in the closet” and feel that they must stay there and, often, at the expense of alienating themselves from friends and family, to stop being as social as they were before they discovered their bisexuality lest someone find out about it and starts reading them the riot act.

And I’m here today to tell you that if you’ve gone into some kind of shell, feel like you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and those you know, and meeting new friends is just too “dangerous,” you’re making a mistake and being your own worst enemy.  Yes, I know what it’s like when you’re bisexual and you want to share this and, ah, biblically so; you want, need, and crave that carnal knowledge but being able to obtain this knowledge isn’t that easy; it’s frustrating, kinda depressing, and can just make you feel some kind of way and I say to you all, don’t let this mess with your head.  Some people can do; some people can’t and it’s a for-real bummer but know that you’re not alone even in this because there are a mind-boggling number of bisexuals who want to gain that carnal knowledge and they can’t… or they haven’t yet.

I know it’s easier said than done but be at peace with yourself about being bisexual.  Understand that being bisexual – and when it comes to being social and even intimate – isn’t any different from being straight or gay and trying to find someone you can be with, whether it’s just friendship, a relationship of some kind and, yeah, just to scratch that itch when it has to be scratched so any sense of frustration and even loneliness you may be feeling isn’t just you – it’s millions of people all over the world.

You were never alone in any of this.  Right this very moment, there are an untold number of men and women who ache for that same-sex touch, to be able to talk to someone who is like themselves and take care of that need to be understood and, yes, to get that confirmation that you’re not alone in any of this.  Bisexuality, and as I’ve said many, many times, isn’t just about doing – it’s about being and that means, by and large, just being yourself, going about your life doing the things you normally do and being aware that there are few places on this planet you can go where there aren’t any bisexuals other than yourself; you’ve probably walked past quite a few every time you’ve left home to do something – you just didn’t know that you did and, even in this, you’re still not as alone as you might feel.  If you’ve always been a outgoing and friendly kind of person, being bisexual should never, ever, stop you from being that kind of person. If, by chance, you’re not the type of person who makes friends easily or otherwise have problems being social, well, maybe it’s time you find a way to change this so that the feelings of loneliness and the emotional pain it causes can get kicked to the curb, huh?

No, it’s not “that simple” but it can be done and many people have found ways to do it because they know that being alone and isolated just ain’t cutting it and that a life lived in fear isn’t worth living.  And, yes, even in this, you were never alone because there are way too many people who feel that just being social is beyond them.  For decades of my life, I have said that the worst thing about being bisexual isn’t discovering that you are or trying to have the sex that’s possible:

It’s not having someone to talk to about it.  And, yes, you’re still not alone because there are untold numbers of bisexual who doesn’t have someone they can talk to about being bisexual and not just talk about it – being understood in this and accepted.  We know that there are people who can’t understand and sure as hell won’t accept this thing about us… but there are many who will – you just have to do something to find them or, if you can and dare to, get the person you’re with to face some facts that, perhaps, they don’t want to face.  Daunting, yes, I know, but I maintain that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Go Google sites for bisexuals and join in the discussions or just sit back in the cut and see what other’s are saying and/or doing.  Write a blog and, you know, if you’re worried about it being discovered, well, WordPress has an excellent password feature that can be employed but if that still makes you paranoid, start a journal and write about being bisexual – whatever’s on your mind about it – and then, at times, go back and re-read what you’ve written to see if you’re feeling better or worse about being bisexual because, um, if you can’t “talk to yourself” about it, who else is gonna listen?

Not alone.  Never alone.  Clearly and obviously not the only bisexual on the planet because there’s another bisexual telling you this.  Duh, huh?  I say to all of you that you shouldn’t despair or otherwise make yourself crazy over this and that, again, you’re not the only one going through this – it just feels that way and this is the part where I’d suggest that you let your intelligence be in charge of things rather than to let any negative emotions you may be feeling drive the bus since, um, eh, those emotions just suck at driving.  Do not be afraid or continue to be afraid to be yourself even if you have reason to keep your bisexuality hidden from those who would look down on you for not being straight because, again, a life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

Yes – it’s easy for me to say but know that I’ve been in that lonely, miserable place, have felt that I was the only one who felt like this, and that others would see me as a freak or a sex fiend – well, okay, I am a sex fiend because sex is so much fun.  But I learned that I was never alone and that being lonely in this is a choice a lot of people make when it comes to this and it doesn’t make sense to do this myself – so I don’t.

You shouldn’t, either.  By reading this, know that there’s at least one person who’s on your side – me – and if there’s one person, there are many more should you seek them out so that you can confirm that you’re not as alone as you think you are and I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if you need to find someone – even just to have someone to talk to – and you’re not doing it, well, that’s your fault, isn’t it?  It’s not your partner’s fault, not your family’s fault, not the fault of anyone you know – it’s 100% on you because you decided to hide yourself away just because you’re bisexual and you probably don’t want anyone else to know that you are.

And, yeah, still not alone, even in this kind of self-destructive kind of thinking.  Maybe you can’t do anything; still not alone in this.  But I say to you all that if you’re feeling alone, the only real reason you are is that you’re doing it to yourself.  Can’t talk to your partner about this?  Okay – it is what it is… doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t find someone you can talk to and if you think that you can’t, well, ya might want to give some thought about that because the last I heard, it’s not illegal or immoral to talk to other people other than your partner.

You’re not alone.  You were never alone.  Whether being bisexual is working well for you or not, you just aren’t alone in this and you really need to take this to heart and be lifted up in spirit knowing that you were never alone in this.

KDaddy 23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

The Urge

Discovering bisexuality is one hell of a shock to one’s system; it takes everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships and flushes it right down the nearest drain and for many, it is horribly confusing and unsettling trying to make sense of these feelings and more so when we live in a world that says you’re not supposed to feel this way.  It can be bad… but not as bad as the next thing I’m about to tell you:

The urge to do something about those feelings.  Oh, the urge is powerful beyond belief; it occupies your thoughts, hammering away at your sensibilities and sensibilities that might be telling you that doing something about those feelings just can’t be done – and shouldn’t be.  If it’s true that a lot of bisexuals suffer from mental illnesses like depression, it’s not because they’ve found that they’re bisexual – it’s not being able to do a damned thing about it and when every fiber of your being is literally screaming at you to get off your ass and do something before it really does make you insane… and it just might do that.

Many people try to suppress this urge, this compulsion, to find someone, get naked with them, and hopefully experience orgasmic bliss in a way they’ve not known of before.  The mind kinda “takes over” and starts to work on the problem of how to do something about this which just adds to the confusion.  Bisexuals already in a relationship – and despite common belief – aren’t of a mind to cheat in order to get this done and, indeed, many do not… but it’s also true that many do because, in their minds, there is really no other viable option unless they’re fortunate enough – and brave enough – to ask for permission.  Many won’t ask because they “know” the answer is going to be, “No fucking way!” – it’s a typical response.  And while many accept this verdict, the urge to do something just does not ever go away and it takes a great effort of will to not only suppress the urge but to also do it in a way that’s not going to really screw them up.

So while some are, let’s say, somewhat successful in their efforts to suppress, in the end, they’re really making things worse for themselves as, little by little, their need to do something – and their inability to do something – will start eating at them and causing changes in their thinking and personalities as they manifest things like anger over the littlest of things or they find themselves just sitting around doing a lot of nothing when, prior to this, they were very active.  And all along, the mind is still very much hard at work trying to get this urge taken care of because it knows – even if its owner doesn’t fully realize it – that if it doesn’t find a way to get this done, some very bad shit is going to happen to it.

Some people are of a mind that actually doing something is the hard part and I can assure you that that’s really the easy part; trying to fight the urge is way harder and is made even harder when a bisexual is in a relationship.  The rules of monogamy are, supposedly, inviolate; they cannot be broken and should never be broken for any reason – and not even if breaking them will, in a way, save your life if not your sanity.  At the very least, taking care of that urge is an act of self-preservation and I’m fairly sure that there are lot of you who are reading this and are feeling this way.

So the urge is there and it’s not going anywhere and just keeps getting stronger and begging the question of what to do… and there are no easy answers to this particular question and it’s not really helpful when I say, “Do whatever you gotta do…” or ask you what are you willing to do about this – then it’s a matter of if the price is too high and if it is, well, it is what it is and another solution must be found to keep the urge to do something from trying to eat you alive or, heaven forbid, coerce you into doing something that might not be in your best interest.

I just know that many people will do whatever they have to do to attend to the urge.  I’ve been bisexual damned near all of my life and I can’t tell you why the urge is so powerful or why doing something just makes so much sense… while not making a lot of sense depending on your situation.  I just know it’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt and despite all of my experiences, I still feel it.  I’ve seen the urge mess people up when they’ve tried to ignore it or make it go away and while I’ve seen people give into the urge and do something and wound up screwing up their relationship which, of course, ain’t a good thing but, yeah, some people are of a mind that it’s worth it given the amount of emotional and mental stress the urge will place upon them.

No easy answers.  Not an easy choice or decision to make for anyone.  I know the urge to have the sex and experience the intimacy just never goes away because even when you’re not consciously thinking about it, your subconscious is still thinking about it in the background and maybe even invading your dreams.  Maybe damned if you do, definitely damned if you don’t.  If doing becomes the thing that has to be done, all I can really tell you is to think first, then act if you must… and if you can.  Just be aware that if you give into the urge, um, it’s not going to be satisfied with just one act and especially that one act was what the urge needed.  You’re gonna want more; you can’t seem to get enough of it and while, at some point, the newness of it will eventually kinda/sorta wear off, once you get to doing, going back to not doing is even harder.

Yeah… it seems that ya can’t win for losing, huh?  Women, for the most part, have it easier than men do and mostly because not too many people pay a lot of attention to women who are “really chummy” with each other – it’s just something that women do and have always done while for men, if they look like they’re “too into each other,” well, they must be having sex with each other, the nasty bastards!  And while you’d think that men would be head over heels about having a bisexual woman, that’s not as true as ya might think:  A lot of men are intimidated and even offended that his lady has an interest that doesn’t have a damned thing to do with him which is why some women have to endure his presence in the much-dreaded threesome and while that might be fun from time to time, what a woman wants in this is that intimacy without any dicks being involved.  I’m of a mind that, hey, if that’s what you gotta do to get what you want, that’s easier to deal with than not being able to do anything at all.  While I don’t recommend being sneaky and all that, well, yeah – the truth is that it happens but if a woman can use her “pussy power” to move things in the direction she needs to them move, well, do what you gotta do.

It’s better than nothing at all and I’m not just saying that; I know too many men and women in this situation who have come to this conclusion on their own.  Just keep in mind that even while you might be trying to figure out how to make the urge happy – and without giving away the farm if possible, the urge is going to be there and messing with you one way or the other until you find a way to do something about it.  Best way?  Ask and even demand permission.  “Worst way?”  If denied permission, do it anyway and, yes, that’s what a lot of people do because there’s no escaping the urge.  None.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

A Message for Bi Women from a Bi Guy

What do men know about bisexual women?  Apparently, not a whole lot other than the few myths and stereotypes a lot of us have heard and, to me, the most annoying one that says some women fake being bisexual in order to get a man.  However, since I grew up being bisexual, I think I have a better picture of those mythical women who likes men and women, those “unicorns” that everyone is sure exists but no one really ever sees.

There’s a general consensus that says a woman who goes both ways is just being a woman – nothing unusual going on, nothing to see; it’s just a thing girls do because they have needs that men are often incapable of dealing with like their need for deep, meaningful emotional connections:  There’s a reason why it’s said that only a woman knows what a woman needs and it was true when I first heard this way back in the late 1960s and it remains true today.  It’s not like there aren’t men who haven’t heard this but there are few men who are of a mind to take this to heart and allow their woman to have the things she needs that his maleness isn’t going to do a damned thing about.

I tell a lot of guys that there is much to learn from bisexual women… if we can pay more attention to how they interact with each other than we do fantasizing about them having sex.  I’ll even tell guys that you haven’t lived until you see two women making love to each other and, yes, it’s exciting as anything I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some stuff) but what you can learn from them is so very valuable that if guys got a chance to see it for real, they should take notes… and lots of notes.

I get it but that’s because I’m bisexual, too.  I know the joys of it as well as all of those pain in the ass things that wants to steal that joy.  One of those PITA things is being mislabeled; with guys, people hear “bisexual” and think “gay” and for women, they hear this word and think not only “lesbian” but “man-hating lesbian” as well… and that’s so far from the truth.  I know a lot of bisexual women wind up with a guy who, at least by his words alone, want to believe that a man is all a woman is ever going to need and those very narrow-minded men makes being bisexual for women such a great burden but, eh, don’t feel bad:  Bi guys run into women who think that (pardon me) pussy is all they should ever want and need and that there’s no good reason for a guy to want another guy.

And it’s this kind of thinking that makes being bisexual difficult for all of us who are bisexual.  Not what we think – what others think… and we know that what they think is wrong, incorrect, and sorely outdated.  These days, I see a lot of stuff written about bisexuality and I wonder where these people are getting their information from; I see other bisexuals writing things that also makes me wonder the source of their information which is sketchy at best but, usually, reflects a very narrow point of view and as expressed by those who write about bisexuality… but have no personal experience or, if they did, they can’t say anything good about it.

It a thing that makes me say, “If you wanna know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!”  The problem we all face is that once someone makes up their mind in a negative way about bisexuality, there’s not much we can do to change their minds, even when we can get them to admit that what they think isn’t what’s really going on.  When it comes to relationships, jeez, men have the same problems that women do; we find ourselves “trapped” with someone who is more of a mind to stick to the rules of monogamy than they are interested in doing whatever has to be done to make us happy and keep us with them.  If a guy is worried about his lady cheating on him, well, it’s for good reason… and it’s not her fault that she’s had to resort to this in order to take care of her needs and, importantly, be very much okay with herself.

To that end, I tell guys that if your woman needs a woman, be a man and let her go get what she needs or suffer some consequences that makes infidelity look tame by comparison:  It is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Now, some women get… offended if their guy say, “Sure, baby, you can do that… as long as I can watch!” and to those ladies, I say to you don’t be offended if he wants to watch or, gasp, join in the fun:  This is like the holy grail of things sexual for a lot of men, something only seen in our dreams and all that horrible girl-on-girl porn but I also say to you that if he wants to watch, you can, if you’re of a mind to, use that against him so that you can have a woman and handle your business with her.

Think about that one for a moment.  Among bisexual men, we often go about the business of being bisexual “by any means necessary” – but we’re like that almost by nature and, indeed, something a lot of women can’t stand about us.  It’s just that I sometimes think Steve Harvey said it right when he suggested that women think like men in these things:  What are you willing to do to be the woman you want and need to be?  Sadly, the thing I see among bisexual women is… not a whole lot and because there’s a lot of fear going on, too much of a chance for loss and other undesirable things that, just like bi guys, will make a woman remain silent about her desire to be with other women like herself.

I mentioned to a female blogger I follow that I am aware of two periods of time where women demanded to be empowered; the first was during the Women’s Liberation movement where a lot of women burned their bras… and the significance of this act was misinterpreted; people thought that women were totally rejecting – and hating – men in favor of being lesbians.  I don’t know why this got all turned around and more so when the movement also included lesbians who were standing up for their right to be women and in all that this meant.  We’re seeing a second “Women’s Liberation” kind of movement where, instead of being granted power to be the woman they want and need to be, um, women are being like men and just taking the power and empowering themselves and if there are men who don’t like it, well, that guy can almost easily be replaced with someone who will like it.

And, yes, some women are using their “pussy power” to pave the way to their notion of being empowered and, at the risk of losing my man card, when women flex their muscles in this way, it makes us very afraid.  The whole point is that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself and the things you need to make you feel whole, no one else is going to do it for you and perhaps you’ve noticed it but it’s something that a lot of men are doing; they are empowering themselves to take care of their need for other guys because the system and its rules do not allow us to do this… but those same rules oddly give women a pass because, again, it’s just a thing that girls do.

I like to say to folks that if you think girls have pajama parties and all they do is talk about boys and gossip, you are sadly mistaken.  My own daughter went to a lot of pajama parties and had sleepovers with her female friends… and I know for a fact that if they were talking, it wasn’t using their voices, if you know what I mean – and I think you do.  Even if you never experienced this and in that experimental way that we – society – frowns on but are aware that happens, well, you’re feeling it now, aren’t you?  And that’s a good thing and you’re not alone because a lot of guys discover bisexuality late in their lives, too… and they have problems dealing with it and usually because they’re trying to deal with such a complex thing all by themselves.

Which is why this site/blog exists so that, for one, you know that you’re not as alone as you think and that there are other women to reach out to so that dealing with your bisexuality won’t be so lonely and daunting.  All that stuff you might hear about bisexuality in women?  Be aware of it… but a lot of it can be ignored because you are the one who determines how you’re going to be bisexual and no one else can define that for you.  I tell guys that before they concern themselves with doing, the first thing they have to do is be okay with themselves in being bisexual and that includes feelings.  By comparison, doing is easy; getting comfortable with this isn’t.  Yes, I know – many of you are looking for a girlfriend and just like I tell the fellas, in order to find someone, you must look for them – your future girlfriend isn’t just going to drop into your lap and out of the blue.  Do you have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality?  Hell, no.  You never should need anyone to validate you and if you can’t validate yourself, yeah, that’s a problem.  You don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself although, um, yeah, sure – that works.

Here’s the thing and something that, again, might get me stripped of my man card:  Most guys don’t care if their woman has female friends and that’s something y’all can take advantage of.  Yeah, sounds shady and all that but I’m the bi guy who’ll tell you that a lot of women have that close friend that they’re really close to… and their man might suspect how close they are… but what you suspect is one thing… and what can be proven is something else.  Sometimes, it’s not really about getting naked and sweaty – it’s all about being close to someone who thinks and feels the same way you do and the intimacy of this.

And I wonder, since I kinda understand this about women, why there are so many women who can’t seem to find that one lady they can be close to like that.  I know y’all are… kinda weird about the sex thing but sex isn’t the only form of intimacy that you need as a woman… and an intimacy that, again, very few men are capable of even being close enough for government work.  How do you find such a woman?  Look for her and, ha, you might already know her but, yeah, some women are funny about sharing things with other women and, I think, forgetting that by unspoken rules, women are allowed to be emotional with each other and men, being the idiots we can be, expect this even if it scares the doo-doo out of us.

I spent a large part of my life with a bisexual woman and between her and the other bi gals I know, I got such an education and one I’m glad I received and I’m talking about being with her for well over 30 years so, yeah, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the things that makes a woman happy in this and what makes her as miserable as a wet hen.  I would even tell her that if she wasn’t going to go get what she wanted – and she had permission to – I couldn’t do it for her although, um, yeah, I introduced her to a few women and now it was on her to make it work.  I saw that she made being bisexual harder than it had to be… and this is the same women who came to me one day and laid an ultimatum on me:  If you don’t give me permission to be with women, I’m gonna do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  So she got permission… and I went to school to better understand her and bisexuality in women.

So, yeah, I do get it and I wanted you all to know that I get it… and I’m not the only man who does.  And if homey doesn’t understand it, make him understand it.  I don’t mean beat him over the head but explain to him how you feel and why and how important this is to you and, yeah, things would be better if he had her back (and like he’s supposed to) than it would be for him to be stubborn, restrictive, and well just acting like an asshole and all because he’s putting his own beliefs ahead of that which would make you a better woman to and for him.  You have the power… and now the question is are you willing to use it?

Do you think it’s impossible?  I’m here to tell you that it isn’t impossible – just difficult but if you do not try, you cannot fail… and if you don’t fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  And since you and I have a lot in common, I’m biased in your favor which is why I’m here to give you all as much support as I can.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

How Do I Find…?

Okay, I wrote something about this on my own blog and to keep from having to retype it or fuss with this new editor and trying to copy it all, I’ll just give you the link to the blog I just published for some food for thought:

https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/2019/08/26/todays-bisexual-thoughts-how-do-i-find-someone-to-do-something-with/

If you have questions or comments, well, just use the comment box and I’ll do my best to answer them or I’ll be happy just to “talk” to you about it, okay?

Okay!

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

The Best Advice…

…I can give anyone looking to explore their bisexuality is to never give up and never lose hope.  Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or single, you have an obligation to yourself to always do the best you can for yourself – Rule Number One has always been, “Look after your own ass first.”  Know that there will be many who aren’t going to agree with you being bisexual, let alone being eager to do something about it and they will attempt to thwart and stop you every chance they get.

And if it is within your power to do so, don’t let them steal your joy.

For many, the decision to pursue bisexuality doesn’t have anything to do with the other person you’re with, should you be in a relationship; some will really and truly understand this while, sadly, many do not and as some of you probably already have learned, they will make your needs all about them and their thoughts and feelings which, yes, should be considered but the onus upon you is to, if you can, convince them that, no, my love, this ain’t about you – but if I cannot do this, it will most certainly affect you and as badly as it is already affecting me.

In this context, there’s nothing worse than living with someone who is in a near-constant state of being miserable… and you know what they say about misery loving company.

The truth is that if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one is going to do it for you; yet another piece of sadness is that we – humans – fear loss and rejection and this fear, more often than not, makes bisexuals stay silent and do nothing and bowing to another’s point of view about this and, in most cases, a point of view that is based more on rhetoric and hearsay than any real fact and little in the way of personal experience.

Is the risk of loss and rejection worth it?  Most people won’t think that it is but I say to you all that if exploring your bisexuality means that much to you, it’s a risk worth taking; many people have said that being read the riot act by those close to them about having the utter gall to be bisexual tells them that, perhaps, these are people they don’t need in their inner circle because you want to surround yourself with folks who are on your side more than they are trying to sabotage your hopes, dreams, and desires.

And there are a lot of people who are more than willing to do just that – and to protect their own sensibilities in what many see as a very selfish, callous, and uncaring way.

You may be of a mind that what you seek to do is impossible; I say to you that it isn’t, that an untold number of bisexuals find a way to express their sexuality as they need to and that includes the friendly neighborhood contributing author who’s telling you this.  It’s not easy, will probably be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do… but it can be done if it’s really something that has to be done to make you the person you need to be.  Yet another bad part is there is no definitive way to do this; if there was and I knew of it, I would be filthy rich beyond the dreams of avarice!  All I can say is to do whatever you can do so that, again, you can be the happy person you need to be in this.

I’ll leave you with a couple of things I’ve said here recently:  If you never try, you can never fail… and if you never fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  I will add that if you do not try – and because it will make someone else happy if you never go there – in the end, that’s not helping you any and if you are troubled now, you will be even more troubled going forward.  Being in a relationship and gaining this is incredibly difficult – but doable if you’re willing to put in the work.  For those of you who are single and looking to explore, clearly, you are free and clear to do so and I ask one very pertinent question:  What are you waiting for?

Ask yourself this question… then ask yourself if the answers you come up with make any real sense; you may discover that they don’t, that’s there no reason for you to get out there and start exploring and, in this, I offer up a suggestion:  Don’t make this harder than it has to be – keep it simple.  If you can, don’t create that “perfect person” or “ideal situation” in your head because, more often than not, you’re going to make it fairly impossible for anyone to meet such overly lofty expectations and that’s because that perfect person is either unknown to you or hasn’t been born yet; that ideal situation may never present itself and the most “hurtful” thing a lot of bisexuals do to themselves is setting the bar so high that no one can reach it.

And, yes, friends, even bisexuals who have the freedom to act make this mistake and that includes the “impossibility” of married or otherwise engaged folks.

Don’t give up.  Don’t lose hope.  Keep it simple.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author and fellow bisexual (54 years and counting)

Open Relationships and Bisexuality

Seems like I’m on a roll since returning to the site!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

One of the “bad raps” bisexuality gets is how it seems to lead to or, at the least, suggest that an open relationship is in order and there is some sense to this since, um, if you need some same-sex action in your life and you’re not already hooked up with someone like this, the only way you’re gonna get it is to go outside of the relationship or, gasp, invite someone into the existing relationship.

For many, the mere thought of this is enough to make someone have to go change their underwear or make a mad dash to get something to settle their stomach down and, yeah, find themselves kneeling before the Great Porcelain God and paying tribute to Ralph.  Logically, it makes sense, you know, if you’re of a mind to do something about that need your partner has and a need that you’re ill-equipped to handle but as I say – and a lot – logic doesn’t stand a chance against an emotional response and the emotional response to both things usually isn’t good and is very damned potent and powerful and enough to override logic and intelligence.

Now, for relationships where both people are bisexual, eh, this might not be that big of a problem except trying to figure out how to do this and without trashing the relationship in some way and thinking about some preemptive damage control should others find out that, um, you’re not exactly keeping only unto yourselves like you’re supposed to.  The biggest problem and the one that plagues a great many bisexuals is that relationship where one person is bisexual… and the other person isn’t.

And now you find yourself in a position of asking someone who isn’t bisexual, wouldn’t be, whatever, to allow you to do something that breaks most of the rules of monogamy and for a reason that has nothing to do with them.  It’s not easy to put the open relationship on the table even when sexuality isn’t at issue but when it is, well, there’s a reason why a lot of bisexuals who’d benefit from this, more often than not, never say anything about it.

One of the things I tell folks who ask me about this is that one of the biggest things is getting your partner to buy-in to this and if you can’t answer this question:  “What’s in it for me?” you’re hosed before the conversation can go any further.  Given this, if you’re not prepared to offer up whatever your partner might want in return for giving permission, you’re hosed.  If the both of you aren’t willing to sit down and talk about everything in this, you’re hosed.  You see, “open relationship” just doesn’t mean being free to do whatever – it also means being open with each other and in ways that most people wouldn’t dream about being… and I can tell you from personal experience that it’s the most frightening and emotionally painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s an emotional kick in the crotch to find out that you’re not everything your partner will ever want and need.  Not that you’re not good enough or anything like that, mind you, but none of us ever really think about something our partner might need that we can’t do anything about and it’s not our fault that we can’t or, um, if wifey has a need for the special touch of a woman, there ain’t a damned thing her very male husband can do about it.

Being bisexual and getting into an open relationship isn’t impossible – it’s just very damned difficult when, again, one part of the partnership isn’t bisexual.  So… what is really needed?

  1.  You need a plan that covers bringing the whole thing up, what you hope to accomplish, what you need, why you need it, how it’s gonna work and what your partner stands to gain or benefit from this.
  2.  Your communications skills have to be more on-point than ever before and, as part of your plan, be prepared to not only answer a lot of questions – and some of them you won’t be able to anticipate – but be prepared to tell it all from beginning to the present and 100% truthfully while understanding that you’re going to be telling them a lot of things they’re not gonna want to hear.
  3.  You also need your partner to tell it all and be totally honest and open about it because, if they don’t, you won’t be able to answer the “What’s in it for me?” question that is so very important – and telling them, “You’d get a happier wife/husband” is a good, valid, and legit answer… but one that’s not enough to feed the bulldog or cut the mustard.  You have to gird your loins and, in bad form, answer their question with a question:  “What do/would you want?” – and then be prepared to not only hear what they might say but to also deliver it.

See, some folks think that actually doing this is the hard part and make no mistake, it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Those three things I wrote are, without question, the hardest three things to do and more when a lot of the things you’re going to have to reveal are things that, normally, you wouldn’t tell anyone for any reason.  That all by itself is enough to make someone not bring the subject up, that and it’s automatically assumed that the answer is going to be not only no but fuck no, followed by getting read the riot act and/or, sadly, some kind of violence ensuing.

I tell people this and they say, “Well, that means I shouldn’t say anything about it, right?” and to be real, no, it doesn’t because if it’s something that needs to be done and you are confident that the relationship, as a whole, is not only strong enough to handle this but will benefit from it, by all means, speak up.  Or like someone told me a long time ago, “If you don’t toot your own horn,  no one is gonna do it for you.”  Other things – and some I’ve said here already – is if you don’t ask, you won’t know and if you don’t try, you can’t fail and probably the best one I can come up with is that if it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

The downside is the easy way to make it happen is to introduce some unethical infidelity into things – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

One question I’ve heard is, “How do I convince him/her that this is important to me?” and the only answer I can give is, “The best way you can.”  Another is, “What if they don’t wanna hear it?”  Judgement call time – you can leave it alone or, if it really and truly means something to you, “make” them hear it – insist that they hear what’s on your mind and why it is.  My first wife, I have to say, handled this in a very efficient and direct way by telling me, “I’m going to do this whether I have your blessing or not.”  This ultimatum has also been resorted to and no one likes getting punched in the face with one so, to that end, if you find yourself having to do there, you’d better mean it and you’d better be prepared to carry it out; otherwise, it’s just an empty “threat” and one that will be ignored.

Now to the “doing” part.  Now, it can be a bit of a stretch to imagine yourself being intimate with someone else other than your partner but your brain can work that out just fine, well, until you actually have to do it but that’s something else.  In part of your planning to bring this up, I’ve suggested to the person wanting this to imagine one thing, if they can:  Imagine your partner having sex with someone else and if that bakes your noodle, you can get a good idea of how they’re going to react to what you’re thinking about proposing.  Then there’s this:  If that makes you sick to your stomach, find a way to get over it and pretty damned quick because, in a lot of situations and cases I know of – including the one I got bitch-slapped with – the answer to, “What’s in it for me?” is or can be, “You can be free to have sex with anyone you want to…” and, again, you’d better mean this and be prepared to make good on it.

After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander… except when the goose and gander are you and your partner.

See, you have to be able to respond and deal with any objections your non-bisexual partner is guaranteed to bring up, including the obvious fact that married people aren’t supposed to even think about this.  Surprisingly, Dale Carnegie actually wrote a book about how to sell anyone anything and it tell you how anyone can learn to sell air conditioners in hell and ice cubes to an Eskimo… and it actually works because for every objection the other person has, you have a way to, essentially, make it a non-issue.  My favorite is the guy looking a that nice sports car and the salesman asks, “What’s it gonna take for me to put you in this car?” and the guy says, “I dunno – I’d have to talk to my wife about it.”  A legit reason… but the salesman counters with, “Okay, here – use my phone and call her and let’s talk to her!”

You see how it worked?  The reason not to was kicked right to the curb but the not-so-easy part is to be able to keep negating their objections in this but if you’re good at playing the “What If?” game, I’d say you stand a good chance in this.

It’s just not easy and I’m not gonna lie to you or make it seem like it is or should be.  Your argument for this will be more logical than emotional; their response will be more emotional than logical and, again, logic always loses and as indicated by the other person saying these two words:

“Yeah, but…”  That means that, logically and intelligently, they understand what you’re telling them – and the “but” is their emotion-driven response that, strangely, appears to be logical – and it isn’t.

If all of this is making you feel some kind of way – and it ain’t a good way – now you know why a lot of people in need of an open relationship to get the other stuff they need won’t ask for it – it’s too much to think about, too much stuff that has to be done, too much stuff that’s like giving away the store or throwing the baby out with the bath water or, in other words, it’s just not worth the aggravation.  And I say to anyone who feels like this that if your continued mental and physical well-being isn’t worth the aggravation, there’s is something really and seriously wrong with you – and it’s not being bisexual.

The thing is, again, if you don’t ask, you really won’t know how they’ll answer.  Maybe they say no, maybe they won’t – you just cannot ever fail if you never try and if acting on your bisexuality means that much to you, why would you not try?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author