once you get a taste of it…

And the “it” is polyamory and with or without bisexuality being a part of things; once you get that taste of it, it is hard as hell to go back to being monogamous and even more so when you’ve known that you have the ability and capacity to love the one you’re with… and so many others.

However – and as mentioned in my last scribble – once someone changes their mind and decides that things would be better by going back to the way it was, hell, I can’t readily think of a word or phrase that would describe how hearing this can make you feel and especially when one of the conditions set for entering into what I call the ultimate relationship was that either of us could call it off and at any time… and my thought that you just do not expect this to happen.

Once you’re able to let your bisexuality “run free” in a polyamorous environment, it’s damned hard to go back to being monogamous but there’s the pact you made with the partner who has changed their mind as well as whatever impacts that has affected the core family as a whole (and especially if you have children – and children who have figured out what you and Mom/Dad have been up to here lately) and priorities have to be reorganized and it’s not all that unlike being on the wildest rollercoaster ride you’ve ever been on but now, the ride’s over, you have your feet back on ground that’s not moving and you’re trying to get reoriented to determine what’s going on and where are you going from here.

The question had occurred to me of, “What if one partner doesn’t want to give this up?” I’m like two years into this new relationship and it’s been one hell of an insane ride and I’d found myself sitting and thinking about stuff regarding the relationship as a whole but even then, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was going to go south at some point and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop (even though it took 22 years before it did drop). It’s too good to be true and almost hard to believe and the three of us had settled into this very major change a lot better than I had thoughts but I did consider how things would turn out if any one of us decided that, nah, this isn’t for us – can we go back to the way things were before?

One of the things I thought was… there’s no going back. Oh, for sure, you can go back to being monogamous, but it never feels… right. It might make the person who called it off happy but now, well, they got what they wanted and if they wind up having to deal with a partner who is now unhappy that this got called off, yeah, it kinda makes you think.

One of the other things I was aware of that could be problematic was anyone spending more time thinking about “me” than “us” and more so when “us” has been expanded and now, anything that you do is going to affect the whole. I think it’s not a matter of someone not being aware of this but they are deep into their own thoughts and feelings about being in this situation that maybe they don’t see that throwing in the towel is going to cause… problems. Some are easy to deal with and some aren’t, oh, like now you’re living with someone who was the best person they could be in this new relationship and now… it’s back to the same old stuff and being put back on lockdown.

What do you do? Do you take one for the team and roll it all back to where monogamy ruled the roost? Do you argue to keep it going even though the person who shut it down has valid reasons for doing so? Do you say, “I don’t know what you’re gonna do but I know what I gotta do…” and run the risk of trashing things more than stopping this has already done?

Decisions, decisions. On the real, no one wins if this gets shut down and especially if it gets shut down for something that, if we could have talked about it, things could have been remedied, adjusted, etc., so that the duration endures, and everyone involved remains happy and loved like they’ve never been loved before.

Yes, when you’ve been exposed to loving and being loved like this, going back… I can’t describe it. In my own experience with this, I had made it clear to my wife that if she didn’t like how things were going, then do what we agreed to do: Call it off and we go back to the way things were. Except, she didn’t want to do that while complaining about being unhappy – and unhappy about stuff that she had the power and freedom to do something about… but she didn’t. Now there’s four of us involved in this and three of us sat down and decided that… we had to keep going even if it meant going on without her “coming along for the ride” because once you get a taste of this, you don’t want to give it up.

I look back at the moment everything “died” and wonder what I could have said or done differently to prevent it from happening but, at the same time, I knew she would be the one to kill it all – and I knew it from the very first night. I realize that there was nothing I could have done, all things considered, and it all went down the tubes and, yeah, a stark remind that nothing is forever… not even the most amazing love you’ve ever experienced in the whole of your life.

Once you have the taste of it, going back to the way it used to be just isn’t the same; it’s like you’re used to being outside and just having fun being there and then, you get grounded and confined to your bedroom and all you can do is look out the window and it can be so damned frustrating and it seems so unfair that you’ve been grounded and not allowed outside to play.

How do you deal with this? I would suppose that couples therapy would be one solution, but I also suppose that there aren’t that many therapists that specializes in this kind of relationship and, I dunno, maybe they’d be more in favor of the partner who called it off since, you know, we’re not supposed to be anything but monogamous. I’m kinda sure that the things that should have been talked about can come to the surface but at a time when talking about them now… serves no purpose as far as having that taste of… freedom again. I don’t know how you compromise with someone when you know, deep down inside, that you don’t want to be grounded and you really don’t want to go back to the way things used to be – but you’re also not of a mind to throw away a relationship that’s been going on for a lot of years, either.

I go back to something I’ve always said about this: You have to be seriously grown up to do this; you have to be able to set aside all the negative thoughts and feelings that are going to show up and, to be honest, if you know that you can’t do this at the time you’re being asked if we can do this, um, yeah, you should have said something then and not remain silent until you pulled the plug.

Being poly – and no matter why or how things got to this point – is harder than being married and monogamous is… and don’t we know how not easy being married and monogamous is? Yeah, we do. Like I said, it’s all fun and games until someone changes their mind and takes their balls and goes home. And then the partner who has now been grounded is sitting around wondering what the hell went wrong and even if they happen to know what went wrong, beating their head against many walls trying to figure out what they could have done to prevent things coming to a screeching halt… and maybe realizing that there was nothing they could have said or done because it is a communication failure when you’re talking to each other and… someone isn’t really listening because they’ve already made up their mind that nothing you can say or do is going to get them to change their mind back so that the grounding gets lifted and everyone can go back outside to play.

Once you get that taste, you just cannot imagine not being able to keep right on tasting it….

what really happened?

I’d like to thank K Daddy for his insight into how bisexuality, poly life and how ‘all the fun and games’ can lead to the demise of relationships. He posted some really good examples of how things can go awry even when we think they’re good for the long haul. Navigating different personalities is always going to come with challenges.

Dynamics change, people change. We must be adaptable, or we can risk our relationships. Staying true to ourselves as a bisexual human while navigating a long-term relationship or more than one relationship can be a bit much to handle for some. For others despite the effortlessness of some situations, variables can happen and change entire dynamics.

No matter one’s sexuality or gender identity, it is always important to listen to and respect your partner’s feelings. Open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other is what keeps relationships alive and healthy. If those components change or are absent for any reason, relationships can get prickly, lol.

Let’s also thank K. Daddy for the nudge into sharing more around my particular situation. So here goes.

I first need to emphasize that sexuality and poly life had NOTHING to do with the changes in my marriage. Conflict around very new cultural differences and my husband’s changing communication style has everything to do with it.

After asking my husband “Are we suddenly hetero monogamous now?” he jokingly answered, “I guess so.” and I told him “My sexuality doesn’t work like that.”, that was the last conversation on the topic. It was short, sweet and non-confrontational.

It was playful but we both understood that understanding was understood. Play time was over. We were monogamous and that was that. Ours was a religious marriage first and foremost so I didn’t feel a way about that change in our marriage. With the pandemic we both agreed, it was not that serious to risk our health for ‘fun’. It was safer at home with each other.

We had a poly marriage for nearly 10 years. We had fun through those years. We have a lifetime of amazing memories and experiences. I guess those were just the ‘heydays’ of our marriage. We’ve both been cool with that time period being just that, a time in our marriage.

I have several biwife friends and family members in various stages of their relationships (new moms, newlyweds, long term wed, newly bisexual, closeted bisexuals) who are experiencing situations where their suppressed desires are problematic and/or they have varying girl situations, and the topic is difficult for them and their partners to discuss. I have a male bi relative that goes through SO much with women when in long term relationships and dating. He’s very open about his bisexuality. His experiences are very eye opening around bi stigma.

They are what brought me back to this space despite not really having anything to blog about personally. Supporting community, family, friends and all the other bisexual humans navigating life in and pursuing long term relationships and marriages is what this space was created for. It’s not my personal blog but I drew from personal experiences for subject topics at times.

Not everything I have and will blog about is my situation.

In my marriage, it looks like our play days just phased out of the relationship and it’s not even a topic discussion or an issue. It hasn’t been important. We had lots of fun when we did, so maybe that satiated us. Who knows?

For the past couple of years, my husband has been developing new cultural differences that have become centered in our marriage and working those out are most important. It was our bond that made our play days our heydays instead of breaking us apart. That bond is what we’re working to save amid shifting cultural beliefs.

As I’ve said before, he completed me as a partner despite my bisexuality. Although I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship before, the past few years I’ve had no time to focus on sexuality. I’ve been losing my person!

Bisexuality is as inherent to me as my skin color. I don’t stop being a brown woman because I have a long-sleeved shirt on.

Since we mutually agreed to stop dating that was that and it hasn’t been a topic discussion since. I am still bisexual but I’m not dating, looking for a female partner or for sex with anyone but my husband. My focus has been on navigating the stability of our relationship while watching the changes in my person happen, thus my absence from this space.

I don’t have to be actively seeking a partner or sexual intimacy with a woman to be bisexual. I don’t have to have repressed sexual desires to be bisexual. I liked boys and girls from the time I started ‘liking’ people as a single digit kid. I had no idea what bisexual was or meant. As far as I know, I’ve always just been bisexual.

Just because I’m in a hetero monogamous relationship doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual anymore.

There are ebbs and flows to sexuality as with anything else in life. All of life is transient. Nothing is static.

Our marriage is like any other marriage with trials and tribulations. Marriages can be impacted by many things including finances, career, in-laws, children, religion, politics, all kinds of situations and differences. We’ve dealt with and overcome a bit of this and a bit of that over the years and we’ve come through it all by using strong communication and implementing strategies within our shared beliefs.

My husband’s views are now polar opposite of all we’d shared together over the years. Every part of his being has changed and I’m still here loving a version of him that doesn’t exist anymore. In many ways, he just looks like the man I love(d?). In ways he is the man I’ve always loved, just a new version.

In even more ways, he is so different some days I wonder how will we ever move forward? I did not fall in love with this new person. Can I? I’m not sure, I’m still in love with my person! That’s tough because this new person, he’s in my husband, my person’s body!

My husband is a new person that I didn’t choose to marry but one I’m married to. He’s not bad, he’s just VERY different and I didn’t get to choose this person to spend my life with. I just woke up with him one day, it looks like this is the new ‘him’ and ‘he’s’ here to stay.

I’ve had no space to think outside of my marriage, no desire to do so. My focus has been the health and longevity of our marriage if we can find that. To have him as my life partner was more valuable than to have any other person in the world as my partner, which is why I married him.

We’re doing our best to work through our differences and save our marriage. However, communication is a huge part of making it work.

As I’ve said in my previous post, if he doesn’t want to talk about something he doesn’t. That doesn’t leave room to resolve differences. That’s very new and very difficult for me to deal with from him. He’s always been very emotionally open, listened and communicated very well with me.

Only time will tell what will happen in our marriage, but sexuality, bisexuality and polyamory had nothing to do with the changes we’re experiencing.

He loves me and I him and our sexualities are the last thing to negatively impact us. Communication is key. Culture is what it is, and conflict due to cultural differences have to be worked out for any interpersonal relationship to be sustainable. Conflict can be healthy and build stronger relationships or conflict can ruin relationships.

Without open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love and respect for each other, how long can a relationship really last (even with mind blowing sex and getting along around shared responsibilities)?

What do you think about conflict around cultural differences in relationships and communication? What about one’s partner changing in very different ways and the longevity of the relationship? Is bisexuality a constant state of actions or is it inherent to one’s being?

Please, don’t forget share your thoughts and insight below,

As always, I wish each of your relationships open, effective, honest communication that leads to understanding, trust, increased love, longevity and respect for each other!

-Jay, Founder

It’s All fun and games and a Great Idea until someone changes their mind

Let’s open our relationship so that we both can explore sex and sexuality and while we’re at it, let’s open things even more and embrace being poly so that not only can we have sex with anyone we care to, we can love as many people as we can and even make them family and a part of our everyday life; it not only benefits us, but it benefits those who would join with us and more so when being trapped in a monogamous relationship… isn’t working for either of us.

Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? To many, it sounds insane because social norms and morals have mandated that (1) you be 100% heterosexual and (2) be 100% monogamous in any relationship you enter into and (3) don’t you dare want anything or anyone other than you already have – but if they’re not getting it done for you and they’re even preventing you from being able to grow as a person, well, it sucks to be you. Dump them and start over again and no matter how much it costs to do that.

At some point, it makes no sense to take an otherwise good relationship and throw it away because norms and morality says this is your only recourse… when it never was but taking the steps I opened this scribble with isn’t as easy as it sounds and, as I like to say, I know this is an understatement because it’s even hard than you can ever imagine. I think those of us who dares to buck the system in this was knows that things can change and we kinda expect them not to once things get off the round and running and, as such, we tend to get blindsided when the partner who agree that, yeah, we should and can do this decides, “I don’t wanna do this anymore!”

One of the signs that this is going to happen can be seen when you put this outrageous proposal on the table for consideration and this usually comes up in the “how can we spice things up/rekindle the flames” moment in the relationship and it’s not like two people can’t put their heads together to find things they can do together and with each other in the bedroom because a lot of people… and a lot of people quickly find out that the flame can reignite and gutters out not too long afterward and now you’re right back to where you started from but, okay, babe, let’s be seriously honest with each other and you need to listen carefully to what I have to say – then you can tell me if you think this is a good idea or not.

And the sign that things are definitely going to change is your partner’s initial resistance to taking everything they believe about love, sex, and relationships… and you’re proposing to toss it all away so the two of you can redefine what these three very important things mean and what can be done to, um, kick it up a whole lot of notches that will allow us to explore love, sex, relationships – and sexuality – together and with others who are of the same mind as we are.

Even though that one partner might be reluctant and even speaks to this, sure, baby – what’s it going to hurt if we give this a try? And it really is all fun and games until someone changes their mind and to the extent that they don’t want to be on that same page with you anymore and nothing you can say or do is going to change their minds since, um, they didn’t really want to do this in the first place – and you knew it because they did tell you but you convinced them to trust you in this and trusted them to be right about the great benefits that can be had and realized.

I found that in this… rearrangement of things, the lack of communication is a fatal wound and the beginning of a very slow death of the relationship because while we’re okay with talking about the good stuff going on, we’re not often all that thrilled to talk about the stuff that’s making us unhappy in this new arrangement – rocking the boat isn’t a smart thing to do and you definitely don’t want your gung ho partner to think that you don’t care about their happiness but, damn it, you do need to let them know that you’re sacrificing your happiness for the sake of their happiness and… the walls start to crumble and will eventually fall…

And leaving the partner who proposed all of this wondering, “What the hell just happened?” And then they find out what happened and, again, the initial point of failure is a lack of communication or as I like to say, this is the part of the program where you find that silence is not golden and what you don’t know is going to hurt the shit out of you and everyone around you.

I’ve found that a lot of people who give non-monogamy a try never make it past two years of giving it a try. Being non-monogamous with a side of bisexuality is one of the most complicated things I have ever experienced in my life – and I’ve experienced some stuff, let me tell you! It takes a lot of work, a lot of constant monitoring of every aspect of the revised relationship and if one little thing isn’t right – but such things should be talked about just the same – eh, just keep quiet, don’t rock the boat, it’ll be okay… until it isn’t.

It doesn’t help that we never learn how to be non-monogamous; you can read about it in a book but, yeah, go ahead and give a try and find out for yourself that even though it can logically make a lot of sense to be non-monogamous – and to explore one’s sexuality – the resistance is emotional; it goes against everything you were taught, everything you believe in – and the benefits to doing it isn’t just a lot of mad, crazy and juicy sex – there are some serious financial upside to creating a poly family that is an extension of the existing family.

It’s all fun and games until someone find that this isn’t working for them any longer. It gets worse when the person who is now feeling like is isn’t of a mind to mention their growing dissatisfaction with their partner, who is, likely, still running with things and having the time of their life because the dissatisfied partner already knows that the moment they voice their displeasure and their desire for things to go back to the way they were, shit hitting the fan doesn’t come close to covering it.

Once the thrill is gone, there’s no getting it back and now all of your time and energy is being put into damage control so that, hopefully, the core relationship does not get lost because, obviously, once that’s lost, it’s game over man, game over.

It can and does happen to the best of us and if you learn nothing from this, it’s that nothing is forever and it’s almost inevitable that somewhere along the line, someone is going to wake up one morning and it hits them that… they don’t wanna do this anymore and they want to go back to the way things used to be… and is that even possible? And even if it is – and, honestly, I tend to think that it really isn’t – now you’re right back to where you started… and with a partner who is, once again, unhappy about being just and only heterosexual and monogamous and…

Oops.

I knew, the night I got hit with our marriage going from open to poly, that my wife was going to be the one to change her mind even though she was the one who wanted this and, might I say, argued eloquently and logically for it… but I knew her and knew that all it would take would be for something to not go the way she expected it and… time to put on the foul weather gear. From my perspective, it wasn’t a question of whether or not I could deal with this major change – it was could she deal with it and, ultimately, she proved to me that she couldn’t, and a 32-year marriage went down the drain but not for a lack of trying to save it:

She didn’t want to do it anymore because it wasn’t going the way she wanted it to, and she changed her mind. Once you get a good taste of living and loving this way, oh, my – you do not want to go back to the way it used to be but something that was complicated and complex from the moment it was proposed gets even more this way when someone changes their mind, doesn’t want to play anymore, and wants everything to go back to the way they were before – and the way things were that got all of this started to begin with.

I admit that I made my share of mistakes in this; I admit that after the first week, I was seriously considering changing my mind about agreeing to this because I immediately saw how complicated this was going to be – and the two of them had dropped this in my lap and said, “Handle it and handle us…” and no help was coming from that direction… but I wasn’t going to quit or give up and, yeah, once I got that taste of it? No going back to being monogamous or just being open – being poly is, hands down, the ultimate relationship albeit one that makes being married and monogamous look stupidly easy.

And I’m not the only one who’s learned the lesson of what can – and will – happen when someone changes their mind and wants to take their ball and go home. We lasted just over 20 years as a poly family and that’s quite the accomplishment but doesn’t take away from the fact that our fall from grace came when she changed her mind and, sometimes, I think that, invariably, there’s always that one person in the relationship who just cannot stand or hold up to the amount of work it takes to be in an extended family and one that has the sexuality component firmly in place or, really, try to convince your man that it’ll be okay for him to find out what it’s like to suck cock when, eh, that just might be something he fantasizes about when he’s hiding in the bathroom and jerking off – and you just proposed to him that not only is this possible but many more possibilities exist and like having sex in ways you never dreamed to be possible.

And do not ever kid yourself into believing that the sex that is possible isn’t important because it sure as fuck is… but at some point, someone could very well change their minds about that and unless it gets spoken and some in-depth communication takes place so that things can keep going, that change will inevitable become more pronounced and… it’s all fun and games until someone changes their mind… and there will be no changing it back.

In a lot of ways, this failure is society’s fault because we all get shoehorned into a state of existence that, for so many, is untenable or, as I’ve read, humans weren’t meant to be monogamous and that being this way is abnormal for us – and there seems to be a lot of evidence to support this. It might be an “easy” thing to agree to but it’s an even harder thing to actually do and, yeah, you might go into this thinking that you’re not going to change your mind and go back to the way it used to be… until that change happens and there’s no telling what’s going to make you change your mind – and remaining silent about is, ultimately, not a good thing.

You just might succeed in taking things “back to the beginning” but that also means finding yourself with a spouse or partner who doesn’t want to be back at the beginning and in a condition where their needs are no longer being taken care of; you gave them the keys to the city… and took them back, locked them back into the cage you didn’t really want to leave in the beginning and now you’re locked in there… with a very unhappy partner.

Social and moral norms set us up to fail in these things. The good news is that a lot of people – and couples in particular – are finding that not being monogamous – and being able to openly and freely express their sexuality – is a good and smart thing to do… but it takes a lot of work to keep the ship afloat and working well and communication is the key and if you fail in this, well, I’m sure you know what’s eventually going to happen, don’t you?

Nothing is forever. We like to believe that love conquers all but in reality? No, not really, not when someone finds themselves trying to exist in a situation and set of conditions that might have sounded good on paper but it’s not working all that well for them and on the real and now, they’ve changed their mind; they don’t wanna do things like this anymore and why can’t we just go back to the way things were before?

Maybe you can. Maybe that’s not going to be possible. It is not my purpose to scare anyone away from wanting to change the rules so that they can, with their partner, make their relationship the best it can be instead of expecting it to take care of itself and having us believing that we’re wrong for wanting more than what merely being heterosexual and monogamous can bring to the table.

This is me sharing with you something that I learned and that our site founder learned: It’s all fun and games until someone changes their mind and now, they want everything to go back to the way it used to be or they’re willing to throw it all away…

Bisexuality, polyamory, and things just change

We finally heard from our site’s founder and after reading about why she’d gone missing and for long as she had, whew, yeah, no wonder she had to step away from a lot of things as her situation began to devolve.

I remember reading something many years ago now that suggested that bisexuals were more open and/or likely to be polyamorous which, um, given the duality of our attractions, made sense to me but not all bisexuals even want to be bothered with polyamory because, as I’ve written at times over the years, this is way harder than merely being married.

I read her story and got transported back in time to my first wife and I having that conversation that changed our lives forever and the thought that got implanted into my mind that… this wasn’t going to end well but without any specific evidence or proof of this, we both agreed to set aside the monogamous part of our marriage – or, really, modify the shit out of it – so that we could learn to keep loving each other without having to throw the baby out with the bath water, which is what usually happens when infidelity either comes a-knocking or it has already crossed the threshold and into your life.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em – really, what could go wrong? Well, I’m glad you asked because the thing that can go wrong is… people change. You see, in my experience in this, it was in my head that one of us – me or her – was going to eventually change our minds about opening up our marriage and, in the early days, I was sure it was going to be me but I might not have been optimistic but I was willing to give this a try despite having that tiny nugget of “impending doom” sitting amongst my thoughts and feelings. We even talked about this and agreed that, yeah, the shit could hit the fan in some big and not so good ways but we were willing to give it all a shot because the alternative – dissolving the marriage – wasn’t an option either of us wanted to invoke.

By the time we got to being poly, we both had changed and the night she challenged me about my ability to handle both of them – her and the woman she had fallen in love with – I knew where the point of failure was going to be and now it was on me to do my best to prevent a future I knew was going to be an inevitability and, yep, I pretty much failed and all because of change and the resistance to it.

It’s one thing when both people in the relationship are eager to break a bunch of rules so that they can be better together and, even if for their own personal growth, they are willing to explore the possibilities that being bisexual and not a fan of monogamy can present and, of course, the couple in question are working together to make sure that this is going to work for them as individuals and as a couple and… it’s all fun and games until someone changes their mind – and that appears to be what happened with our founder’s hubby and, as I recall, he was leery about stepping out of this particular box to begin with but was game to make it work.

And it stopped working for him, I’m guessing – but that didn’t surprise me because if there is one thing about all of this that can be damned sketchy, it’s not knowing if someone is going to change their minds about any of the stuff that’s going on in the relationship and they’re going to throw in the towel. You just cannot look into the future and say that, nah, I don’t see myself changing my mind or I don’t see her changing her mind but change is a constant in our lives or, as I used to say to fuck with some folks, “I’m not the same person I was ten seconds ago…” just to illustrate how change isn’t really about big things: It’s also about little things, too. It doesn’t help when communication begins to break down because a change is gonna come; you really don’t want to bring up something that’s going to throw a moldy blanket on things but all it takes is for one person in the relationship to not be on the same page with things for this house of cards to come tumbling down.

And now, it’s engaging in damage control and like you’ve never seen before in your life. It can wind up being a very hard reset; an immediate cease and desist order so that an “investigation” can be started to find out what happened and it happened… and then what, if anything, can be done to stave off disaster and, welp, for our site’s founder, it was stepping away from the site and, really, I don’t blame her for her absence (and now that I know why she was gone) because I, too, knows what it’s like when the tone and dynamic of the relationship changes and… it’s not going to be a good thing.

Something for those of you who are contemplating bisexuality and how it can, might, could, etc., impact your relationship. I’d ask that you keep in mind that for myself and our site’s founder, it took years to reach a point of failure and I do mean a lot of them so it’s not a given that if you take things down the poly path and in order to take care of the needs that monogamy (and the static nature of being straight or gay) cannot do a damned thing about, that you’re going to epically and categorically fail – but, if you don’t try, you can’t fail and, in these things, not trying is a failure in and of itself and more so if, by chance, you love your partner as much as you say you do.

Yeah, it can sound fucked up because it is, in a way, very much like, “If you love me, you’ll do this…” – and, hopefully, without having to say that but the sentiment is, at the least, implied if not spoken directly to because this is about love and what that means to the individual and how it all relates to the relationship and… did I mention that this is a lot worse than being married? Bisexuality can show up in a relationship – or it was already there – and to say it’s a game-changer is a gross understatement and we have always presumed that in this event, there’s nothing that can be done about it without invoking infidelity… and that’s not entirely the truth.

You can sit with your partner and plan and propose things to the nth degree so that, together, you can cover all of the bases and avoid a lot of the obvious potholes but the one thing you can’t do anything about – let alone predict – is that moment when someone changes their mind about what’s going on in the relationship and, yeah, even more so when said partner wasn’t really feeling certain aspects of this new relationship all that much. Yes, I could be wrong in my interpretation of things and that’s fine but it must be illustrated that change is something you really can’t prepare for since you might not have a clue about something changing and, really, when you get things up and running and reveling in all of it, the last thing you’re thinking about is someone changing their mind about all of this and, yeah, even if that person is you.

When you sit down to have this conversation with your partner – and whether or not sexuality is a part of the situation – you have to be aware of change showing up at some point “down the road” and that can be minutes or even years from now. Change is slow to happen but in these things, change can be like having a door slammed in your face when the need to change becomes apparent – but do you invoke change and kill the relationship – and you already know that whatever change you have in mind is going to do just that – or do you work to find a way to delay the inevitable – and I say it like that because nothing is forever.

So, you step way back; shut down all non-essential activities so that damage control and corrective measures can be affected – and if it’s even possible. Hope for the best but expect the worse and… what the hell just happened and, importantly, why didn’t you see this coming and, to make things even better, why didn’t they say something before now and at a time where we could have fixed this so that our house of cards won’t implode?

Whether you make the save or not is something else. It serves as a remind that communication is a must and something that cannot be taken for granted and especially if/when one partner or the other is feeling some kind of way about something – and remaining silent is not the thing to do at this point. Change is slow; it is inevitable; humans, well, we don’t seem to like change all that much, you know, if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it but in these things, failure comes because change can start things breaking and you might not even be aware that it’s starting to break – at first. I don’t remember how many times I saw things about to break and waved them off as not being worth a “family meeting” over – I’ll just mention it… or I won’t but let’s keep an eye on it… and maybe I’ll remember to and where did I put my car keys…?

When you’re dealing with someone who is proving to be resistant to change, I… don’t know what to tell you about that. This is yet another one of those situations where the logic of the situation cannot stand up to whatever emotional stuff is feeding the change and can be rather confusing because the emotional stuff very much feels like logical stuff because “it makes sense,” well, right up to the moment logic tries to right the ship – and that’s how you know the difference between the two.

Being non-monogamous is a game-changer; bisexuality is an even bigger game-changer within the relationship. You can make this work but you gotta keep doing the work and at almost every turn and every moment of things because you never know when something is going to change and not necessarily for the better. You can’t really plan for it; we usually say that we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it but, sadly and more often than not, by the time we get to that bridge, we’ve already screwed the pooch and to the extent that there’s no fixing things – or they can be fixed but it’s going to take a supreme effort to do so.

At best, you can only be aware of this aspect of things. I know that this is so damned complicated that it appears to be impossible to do and since so many people tend to fail to make this work, we presume that it won’t ever work – but if the need for this change persists, then it’s time to invoke another change: Throw away the relationship.

In order to not have change blindside the shit out of you, you have to keep your finger on the pulse of the relationship; you gotta talk about how things are going – or how they aren’t going – because, as I once said, “If I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t know what we can do about it!” It taught me that silence is not all that golden and, yeah, what you don’t know can hurt the shit out of you – and kill the shit out of your relationship.

It’d be nice if our site’s founder would grace us with some more insight about what kept her away from us for so long, not that it’s really any of our business but for those who are bisexual, in a relationship, and wondering what, if anything can be done about the great need to do something, we can all learn something from her experience. Sometimes, it’s not that something is going to change; it’s what we do about it when we notice it, or it eventually comes to our attention – and hopefully before the baby gets thrown out with the bath water.

IF you don’t ask for it…

Hi there! I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted something here and for that, I apologize.

My mother used to tell me and my siblings, “If you don’t ask for it, don’t expect to get it. If you ask – but you don’t get what you’re asking for – it cannot be said that you didn’t ask.” Life teaches you that something like this has a lot of common-sense truth to it but when you’re married and bisexual – and it doesn’t matter if you were bisexual before you married or you discovered it afterwards – if you want to be able to express yourself as a bisexual, well, you can’t. The rules of monogamy say so and official marriage vows gets you to swear to keep only unto yourselves and… that’s a problem and one that isn’t totally a sexuality thing but, yeah, it can be.

The reason why people in a relationship cheat is that they have needs that aren’t being met or even addressed because getting permission to attend to those needs isn’t likely to be given and, as such, so many bisexual men and women in relationships (a) know not to ask but (b) find themselves in a position where they have to take matters into their own hands and… it’s better to beg forgiveness.

I’ve often mentioned my first wife who I had, almost from the moment I met her, suspected that she knew about girls like I did but she’d categorically deny it although she did tell me about a situation with a female “babysitter” that sounded horrible… but I suspected that it was anything but for her. Eventually, she didn’t ask for what she wanted: She told me, via ultimatum, what she was going to do to get what she wanted and with or without my permission or blessings, which put me in a very bad spot because, like most people, I totally believed in the sanctity of marriage and faithfully staying true to the vows we both took.

In about ten minutes, everything I believed about relationships and marriage got pulverized. The end result was that we opened our marriage and I had felt that something else my mother had told me – and the day I told her I was getting married – resonated with me: “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.” So, when we changed the rules – and because divorcing each other wasn’t an option – this was us making our marriage as good as we could make it for ourselves.

And a powerful lesson for her in being careful what you ask for… because you just might get it and you might not like it. But if you don’t ask, you can never really know, can you? I was learning that when it came to asking for permission, the people wanting it wouldn’t ask for it because they automatically assumed that the answer is going to be, “Oh, hell, no!” and… lawyers could be involved but when you consider that people cheat on their partners because of a severe lack of attention to one’s needs, well, really: What did you think was going to happen?

Or, in an “infamous” conversation with my #1 poly wife, who was giving me some grief about me going out to have oral sex with a guy, when she asked why I had to do it I said, “Because, baby, when I want to suck a dick, you don’t have one. It’s not that I don’t love y’all; it’s definitely not because I don’t love having sex with both of you and I don’t have a single complaint about how you two give me head but you misunderstand: It’s not about some dude blowing me – it’s about my need to blow him.”

And she still didn’t understand why I went and sucked that guy’s dick. Conversations like this are… dangerous because this – and trying to broach the subject of gaining permission to be bisexual – always runs up against that which the other person believes and, yes, what they don’t believe and as can be seen in such situations, the person whose beliefs have been challenged “always” wins this argument and permission denied. I’ve seen this in other couples so many times that I’ve often scratched my head thinking, “Why don’t they see the obvious solution to this problem? If you believe that rules are made to be broken or changed, why not break or change them so that the two of you can stay together and happy with each other… and yourself?”

A guy asks, “What can I do to get permission from my wife to have sex with men? and my initial answer is, “Ask her.” He looked at me like I’d just called his mother a whore and said that he wasn’t going to do that because she was going to say no and then she’s going to be pissed off and make his life a living hell.

“But if you don’t ask, you won’t know one way or the other,” I pointed out to him. “I get it – you’re afraid to ask her because doing so doesn’t usually go well but your alternatives are to wind up suffering with your desires for a hard dick, cheat on her, or just divorce her – and none of these, as I understand it, are viable options.”

The thing about asking for permission is that you need to have a damned compelling discussion with your partner; it’s not totally about what you’re going to say that you have to think about: You also have to think about what you’re going to give them in return for this permission because, as I’ve learned from others in this predicament, at some point, the person asking the question is going to be asked, “What’s in it for me?” and if you don’t have a damned good answer to this – and already know what you’re willing to give them – you’re hosed.

The ironically funny thing about this situation is that anyone who’s been a relationship and/or are married knows that… monogamy doesn’t work the way we’ve been told it does and that there is that dominant partner in the relationship who sets the tone of things and it’s their way or no way and if there’s something you want/need that doesn’t fit their agenda, don’t even think about asking for it because you won’t get it… but you will get a lot of grief for standing up for your right to… ask for something.

And when you’re up against someone’s beliefs, getting them to see things your way is a long row to hoe and, even funnier, intelligently, they understand what you’re saying to them, but the resistance comes into play because the response is emotional and even, I learned that logic… doesn’t stand much of a chance against the more powerful emotional response. If you don’t ask for what you want, you’re never going to get it and, again, you’re not going to know… much of anything and while it’s normal to not ask because you know that they’re going to say no, well, um, how do you really know?

A woman is feeling some kind of way because she wants to be with another woman who she was having sexual and emotional feelings for. She doesn’t want to cheat on her husband but, in her mind, she believes that she has no other choice.

“Why don’t you talk to him about this and ask him?” I asked – and even though I know the question is rhetorical.

“Because I know he’s going to say no and he’s gonna leave me,” she said.

“But how do you really know?” I persisted.

Come to find out that… she didn’t really know. She girded her loins and talked to him about this and asked for permission and she got it… because he already knew that she was bisexual and aware of her close friendship with the woman in question. During their negotiations, she found that there were some things she wasn’t willing to give up to get his permission and she wasn’t going to concede them and I said, “That’s a mistake and more so when you’re asking him to forego everything he believes in. If you’re not willing to give him this – and I think that it’s not that big of a deal – then you’re not going to get his permission. If you want something from him, you have to give him something in return for it because there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

It took her a couple of months before they came to terms with each other. They figured it out and they made it work because the alternatives – her cheating on him or divorcing – wasn’t a viable option for either of them.

I understand that asking for what you want and need in this is perilous, fraught with danger and very damned scary, but it remains true that if you don’t ask for it, you’re not going to get it and you miss an opportunity to find out something about your partner that, perhaps, you didn’t know. And, really: If you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?

This Is For the Bi Guys…

…who are, like a lot of the women who follow here, are wondering what it’s gonna take to be able to express yourself in this way and more so when, these days, the world is losing their minds over the issue of bisexuality in anyone.  I know what it’s like to have the feelings; I worked my way through the confusion they bring and came to understand that no matter what society has to say about not being all straight all of the time, the responsibility for my happiness in things is mine and mine alone.

I know what it’s like to be with someone who, if they found out that you’re not really all that straight – and even if just in your thoughts – would tar and feather you, label you some kind of pervert and even accusing you of not being happy with them.  I know what it’s like to listen to a woman go on and on about how your feelings are so unfair to her, that you have no reason at all to want anyone other than her and your sure as hell don’t need or have a reason to engage in sexual congress with another man… and even in the odd chance she even deigns to admit that she knows that she’s not really everything you will ever need.  I know what it’s like trying to explain things to her, to get her to see the logic and even common sense involved her and that we are all human and we can have needs that goes against everything we’ve been taught, everything we’re supposed to stick with and without exception… and if by doing so you wind up doing irreparable damage to yourself, well, it sucks to be you.

What is it like to be with another guy like this?  I know what that’s like, too.  I know what the hunger feels like, to feel that inner beast rattling its cage and demanding to be released… and I know what it’s like to force the beast to be quiet so as not to upset someone else’s sensibilities.  I know what it’s like to be told that I can’t really be what I know I need to be; I know the anger.  The frustration.  I know what it’s like to feel so utter contemptuous toward the other person whose beliefs are being forced onto me and beliefs that I have good reason – and even proof – are, at best, incorrect.  Inaccurate.  So badly outdated it’s not even funny.

I know what it feels like to feel that… anger simmering and eating me alive on the inside; I’ve asked, time and time again, what is it about this that they – or anyone else – just can’t understand?  Do they not understand that we need what we need in order to feel whole and complete?  That we have desires, passions, and even needs that must be attended to and if they’re ignored, the only purpose that gets served is the erosion of self; to find yourself less than what you know you can be.  To be held prisoner by rules that shouldn’t exist in the here and now and to feel some kind of way knowing that while you have come to see the truth of things, there are those around you who do not see it, cannot see it, and don’t want to see it.

What we, as bisexual men, come to understand is that bisexual women face the same levels of denial and suppression of self; they’re subject to the same gestalt of prejudice as everyone who isn’t straight has been made to face.  I know what it’s like to sit and think… and stew in a sea of frustration… and see how all of this can be made better if the rules can’t and won’t be thrown out, they can be changed.  Bent.  Even broken.  I know what it’s like to see this and to ask myself, “Yes… but at what cost?” and the answer to that is… complicated.

I know what it’s like to be subjected to the double standard:  It’s okay for women to be this way, not okay for a man to be the same way.  I know what it’s like to see a woman who expects and demands truth and total openness at all times and in all things backpedal when you tell her the truth of yourself, whether it was something that has always been true or it’s a new truth we’ve come to be aware of and see.  I know the incomprehensible confusion and even heartache to learn that the only truth she’s interested in is the one she believes in; your truth, the truth of yourself, means nothing to her.

I know these things and much more.  I even know what it’s like for the woman you love to be going through this same dilemma and that, like you, she’s suffering in this because she believes that there’s nothing that can be done.  I know men and women who are going through this; I know their hopelessness; I know how dejected and rejected they feel; I know their anger at being denied their right to be the person they need to be.  I know the solution just as I know it’s a solution that no one agrees on because the rules must always be obeyed at all times and without question.  I know the lies and flaws of monogamy; I know that it is impossible for one person to be all that you’ll ever need.  I know that people change over time and so does their wants, needs, and desires… and I know their fear of letting these things be known.  I know what it’s like to lose loves and friends because I am what I am; I know the pain of it.  I know the confusion and even the hypocrisy inherent in these things.  I know what it’s like to be angry and to have that anger deepened to know that when you said that you loved me and you would do whatever is humanly possible for me and because you love me, that you lied because there’s something you won’t do for me and even if by doing it, you would be saving my life and my sanity.

And I know that bisexual women feel the exact same way… but what I don’t know is why we, as bisexuals, just do what we need to do even when society is against us doing that.  I know that there are ways around the rules; I know that when it’s done right, everyone benefits from it – and even if the person we’re with isn’t bisexual.  I know that it opens a lot of locked doors, not just the ones related to sex but the ones related to life itself:  It unlocks the door to the truth of what we can be and, really, what we’ve been all along.  I know that what we think and believe where love, sex, and relationships is concerns is… not so much wrong but, again, inaccurate.  It’s not the whole truth of things; it’s not the truth of what we are as a social animal and one that sits high above all others because we can think.  We can create.  We can imagine.  I know that men and women alike?  We are magnificent animals and capable of so much on our own or together if we ever get around to getting our collective heads out of our collective asses and be the way we can be with each other and, yes, unchained and unfettered by the tenets of monogamy; did you know that experts in this agree that we weren’t meant to be monogamous?  That “all of us” being heterosexual is unnatural and most certainly not the way we used to be and before those damned rules got forced onto us?

Maybe knowing that I know isn’t going to help you a whole lot, fellas.  It might not help the untold number of women who are suffering in this and, like us, being made to suppress the truth of ourselves.  I tell you all that I know so that you, if nothing else, know that you’re not as alone in this as you think you are.  I know the joys of it all.  I know the fears, too.  I say to all of you – and not just the men – to, if you can find a way, don’t be afraid.  Do not despair.  Ladies, if you even suspect that your guy is bi, believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s not bi because he doesn’t love you, want you, appreciate you or all those other things that give you nightmares.  He does.  All of those things.  He’s happy with you but I’ll also tell you that if he isn’t, it’s quite possible that, yes – you’re the reason he’s not happy because your beliefs will not allow him to be the man he needs to be.

And guys?  You’re probably doing the same thing to the woman in your life… and you don’t even know it because she’s afraid to tell you.  You’re letting your beliefs, well, fuck up the person you say that you love; you’re causing near-irreparable damage to them and for the men and women both I ask you this:  Are you that damned sure about your beliefs in the way things are supposed to be that you’re willing to put your partner, the person you love, at risk… and all because you refuse to believe that what you believe is… incorrect.  Not the whole truth.  Rules that were invented for a situation that, today, no longer exists and, thus, is no longer relevant.

And I ask you all:  Why would you do this to the person you love?  And wouldn’t it just suck if they were to do it to you?  I know it would; when I tell you that I’ve been there, done that, been around the block so many times I pretty much own it – and that I found a way to get around the rules so I can be who I’m meant to be – I’m not joking.  Not saying it just to be saying it.  If I figured out how to do it so that I can be who I am, why can’t you figure it out?  And if you fear being cheated on or otherwise left behind, well, is it really that difficult to avoid this unwanted calamity?

Guys, I know what it’s like.  I’ll tell you what “real men” do and, yes, “real women, too:”  They let each other know that this is what I am or how I want to be.  They let each other know that what I am – what I want to be – has nothing to do with how I feel about you.  We let them know that we would prefer not to take this journey alone, that it would be much better if the person we love could go along with us.  What’s in it for them?  They get a better person.  A whole person.  A person who has learned to express their feelings.  A person that sees that, together, we can be so much more…

If only you’d allow me to be the person I need to be.  I know what you’re thinking:  You’re thinking that she’s gonna say she has no need to change the way she is, to change what she believes in, that something like this has never – and will not ever – cross her mind or come her way.  That’s she’s gonna tell you that there is nothing for her in this.  I know – I’ve heard it all before and I also happen to know that… they’re wrong; they can’t see the future anymore than anyone else can.  And I also know that if she tells you this, yeah – she could very well be lying her cute ass off and she just might know more about this than she’d led you to believe.

It’s a risk but if you can’t tell her how you feel and what you’re thinking, well, that’s a problem, isn’t it?  And if she refuses to listen, that’s a problem, too.  It never fails to amaze me how we always demand to hear the truth of things… then get all weird when we do hear the truth… and then we don’t want to deal with it, don’t want to address it… and don’t want to do shit about it.  It’s better to let the bisexual in your life suffer just to preserve your sensibilities and sensibilities that were built on lies and misconceptions.

Guys, I’m telling you this (ladies, too) just in case you get to that moment in your life when you’re just gonna have to say something about it and for no other reason than it being an act of self-preservation because not being able to express yourself is eating you alive on the inside and affecting your life – and your life with her – in very detrimental ways… and she probably sees the effects, too.  Ladies?  Do you think we don’t look at you and see you feeling some kind of way and not ask ourselves, if not you directly, “What’s wrong with her?”  Guys and gals… do we not hear this question and say, “Nothing…” and we know we’re lying to the one person that we shouldn’t be lying to?

What’s it worth to you? Only you can decide that.  What do you stand to lose?  Maybe everything and I know this is very scary.  What’s worse?  Losing yourself.  Not being who you need to be.  Standing on the edge of destroying a relationship that doesn’t have to be destroyed; ready to throw away everything the two of you have built together because you think it’s the only way.  Fearing having her go off on you and making things all about her.  The despair.  Feeling trapped.  It’s not worth it and it’s better… for her for you to just give up who you are and who you want to be.

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about because you feel the same things in the same way and for the same reasons.  I’m just the bi guy who has the nerve to tell you all that it doesn’t have to be this way.  We’re better than this and I know that, too.

KDaddy23, Contribution Author and Fellow Bisexual Who Knows Some Stuff

If You Were My Woman…

I thought I’d stop by and write something… encouraging.  As you may know, I am bisexual; been this way pretty much all of my life and, as such, I’ve learned a lot of things about love, sex, and relationships that are… unconventional, non-traditional, maybe even off the beaten track – and certainly some things that can make a lot of people quite nervous.  Bisexuality is the great big elephant in the room; we know it’s there but we want – choose – to ignore it and not so much because it cannot be reasoned that this sexuality aspect can have far-reaching benefits but, mainly and mostly, we’re overly worried about what others will think of us should it become known that we’re just not as straight as “everyone” else is.

I am aware of the plight many bisexuals face, both men and women and while single bisexuals have “issues,” bisexuals in a relationship are, in fact, in the worst imaginable situation.  As I sat down to write this, I was thinking about a woman I was talking to many years ago who had discovered her bisexuality but, like a lot of women, hooked up with a guy who didn’t believe in such things.  She had asked me, “If you were my man, how would you handle this?”  And this is how I answered her.

If you were my woman and you told me, I found out, or even suspected that you were bisexual, the first thing I’d want to do is sit down with you to talk about it and since I’m the kind of guy who needs all the information available in order to offer opinions, make decisions, etc., the more you can tell me about this, the better.  Now, I know – and can easily guess – that there are probably some things about this that you’re gonna find embarrassing or you’re afraid I’m gonna rip your head off for this so I want to assure you that, one, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I give you my word of honor that I’m not going to jump all in your ass about this.  One, there’s no reason to and, two, well, that behavior just doesn’t work.  I’m not going to accuse you of any impropriety and, again, being the type of person I am, just because you’re thinking about something like this doesn’t mean you’re gonna run out and do whatever you were thinking.  I’d want you to be comfortable talking to me about this because this is about you… and I’m about you as well; what bothers you bothers me and what makes you happy makes me happy, okay?

I had said this much to the woman and I had her undivided attention.  She asked, “So, you wouldn’t be all bent out of shape if I told you I like women?”

“No; who am I to say who you’re supposed to like and not like?” I replied.  “What I would ask is how much do you like women and in what ways you do.”

“Just like that?” she asked.

“Just like that,” I said.  “I want you to keep in mind, as we talk about this, that I’m not your run of the mill guy and that I both see and understand a lot of things differently, okay?”

She nodded, took a deep breath, and “went for the jugular” by asking, “So if I told you I wanted to sleep with my best friend, that wouldn’t bother you?”

“Wouldn’t bother me in the least bit,” I said honestly.

“Why not?” she asked.

“You’re my woman… but I don’t own you; I can ask you not to do this or that but you will always have the final say, right?  Grownup enough to make your own decisions about things?  I ain’t the boss of you and all that?” I said.

She laughed.

“But I would ask you, because it’s important, why you want to sleep with her.  I’d ask you to start at the beginning and tell me everything, you know, depending on how comfortable you are.” I said.

“What would you want to know?” she asked.

“Everything.  From the first time the thought crossed your mind up to and including anything you may have done, how close you came to doing something, stuff like that?” I answered.

“What if I don’t wanna tell you?” she asked.

“You don’t have to but if you don’t, you’re not helping me to understand what’s going on with you; remember, everything that affects you will ultimately affect me.  So if you wanna invoke the Fifth Amendment, I have no choice but to be good with that; I can’t make you say anything, can I?”

“Where have you been all of my life?” she asked.  “But what if I don’t believe you’re not gonna ‘kick my ass’ because I’ve told you this?”

“Then you don’t believe me,” I said with a shrug.  “And, no, I don’t know what I could do or say to make you believe me.  Look, I’m your man and my ‘job’ is not only to make and keep you happy but to also do whatever I can do toward that goal.  That being said, if I don’t own you and ain’t the boss of you, how can I make you believe me if you don’t want to?”

“Shit… are there any more like you at home?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said with a laugh of my own.

“Why would you let me sleep with my best friend?” she asked.

“Because you want to and I’m assuming your best friend would love to get you naked as well,” I said.

“No other reason than that?” she asked.

“Is there any other reason?” I asked.

“What’s in it for you?” she asked.  “You gonna want to sleep with both of us?”

“In that order, nothing other than you being happy.  Would I want to sleep with the both of you?  Honestly?  What guy wouldn’t?  Still, this ain’t about what I would want – this is about what you want and if, by chance, the two of you invited me, well, I’m not gonna turn down the invite; I don’t believe in being in something that you don’t or wouldn’t want me being in.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re too good to be true?” she asked.

“More times than I care to think about.  Again, you don’t have to believe me and yeah, I do know what it’s like to be with a woman who likes women; it’s why I can answer you the way I am – been there, done that and, importantly, I know the right way to handle this.”

“Well, shit,” she said.  “Your woman likes women?”

“She does,” I said.

“And you let her sleep with women?”

“Yes, although ‘let her’ isn’t the right phrase; she wanted to, made a case why she should be allowed to, and I agreed with it,” I said.

“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.

“At first it did but I got over it,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I know about every woman she’s ever slept with.”

“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna dump you for a woman?” she asked.

“Yeah but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there?  I like to say that it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in a relationship and you can lose someone just as fast and as easily as you were able to hook up with them in the first place,” I said.  “All I can do is ask her to reconsider things but if she doesn’t want to, well, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“Was that hard for you to accept?” she asked.

“Very much so; this situation is some eye-opening shit,” I replied.  “But, if my ‘job’ is to make and keep her happy, I felt I didn’t have any choice but to accept the potential for losing her to someone else; no one wants to really think about that but you gotta face the reality of things.”

“So, if I were your woman and I wanted to sleep with other women, you’d be all for it?” she asked.

“Sure, why not?  It would make you happy and your happiness would spread to me, wouldn’t it?” I asked.

“What if I told you that I’d already slept with my best friend?  Would that change your attitude?” she asked, giving me a daring kind of look.

“No, not really; you can’t do shit about something that has already happened,” I said.  “I might be… miffed that you didn’t mention that until now but at least I understand why you didn’t.  But I can overlook that so I could ask you a question.”

“What would that be?” she asked.

“Did you have fun with her?” I asked.

“For real?” she asked.

“Well, if we’re now talking about something you actually did, yeah – the question is still valid, isn’t it?” I asked.

“It was all that and then some,” she said.  “My man, well, he don’t know about that… but if you were my man and I told you I’d already slept with her – and more than once – you’d still be good with it?”

“I would be; you act like I really have a choice in the matter,” I said.  “What matters, since we’re now having this conversation – all late and wrong – is what do you wanna do going forward and how do you see it affecting our relationship?  Big changes?  Little ones?  Nothing to write home to mom about?  I can’t answer these kinds of questions and I’d have rely on you to tell me what the deal is going forward… and if you’re even gonna go forward.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I love you; what other reason is there?” I asked.  “See, I had this happen to me and it made me rethink what being in love with someone really meant; a lot of people have a lot of stuff they won’t do just for the sake of love… but this?  I can do this.  Besides – and now I’m talking real life – I know something your man probably doesn’t.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Crudely, if it’s pussy you want and need, he doesn’t have one,” I said.  “There is nothing he can do about it and I’m thinking that while he probably screws you pretty good, it’s not enough for you, right?”

“Right,” she said after taking a long moment to answer.

“If you were my woman, well, I’d be aware of that already but it doesn’t change my job, which is to do whatever I can to make and keep you happy, does it?” I asked.  “You need something I can’t give you because, duh, I don’t have it.  Now, I could forbid you to get it… but that’s more likely to make you go get it anyway since, you remember, I ain’t the boss of you.  But, if I said it was okay with me for you to have it, would that be something you’d be interested in?  Am I losing anything?  If we’re talking about us having sex, I’m thinking that now that you’re getting the other stuff you need, I’m gonna be getting more of it, too, right?”

“And if you weren’t?” she asked.

“Well, we’d need to talk about that,” I said, with a laugh.  “Because, you know, you are kinda hot and desirable…”

“Boy, stop playing!” she said, taking a playful swipe at me.  “Man, you’re seriously for-real about this, aren’t you?”

“I am… because I have to be since I’m bisexual, too,” I said.

“Get out!” she exclaimed.  “So you know about dick like I do?”

“You betcha,” I said.  “That all by itself is reason to rethink a lot of things in a relationship but, again, this ain’t about me – this is about you and what you need; we can talk about what I might need at some other time, you know, if I were really your man.”

“Shit… I wish you really were; my life would be so much easier and better.  Hey, do you think I could convince you to leave your lady?”

“Probably not, but I appreciate the offer,” I said.

The conversation ended and as she walked away, I was hoping that she could reason with her man and that he’d be able to see that in this, his life with her just might be better if he were okay with her having what she needs for her happiness.  I don’t know what happened with them although I could have called her and asked her; maybe it worked out, maybe she never mentioned it to him or let him know what, apparently, she was already doing with her best friend.

If you love her as much as you say you do, why would you not give her the happiness she wants and needs?  It ain’t about you… but it could affect you in some very bad ways to deprive her of that which she needs – and in addition to what she needs from you.

Be safe!

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

 

How Are You Holding Up?

This pandemic has been a royal bitch and that’s putting it mildly.  On my own blog – and back when sheltering in place was being put into play, I was wondering how this would affect sexuality; one of the things I’ve been seeing is a great increase of the number of people looking for sex and along the sexuality spectrum.  I had wondered if this imposed isolation would get some folks reconsidering whether just being straight or gay wasn’t all that viable an option and more so for all those folks who are sharing a home with a MOTSS – member of the same sex – and because it’s not advisable to go out to get your usual sexual fix, how many people are thinking “any port in a storm?”

I learned a long time ago that when people get stressed and isolated, there’s an incredible urge to have sex and, as I saw on Facebook and Twitter, hmm, come December 2020, there’s going to be a lot of babies being born.  I looked at my own experiences and the times when myself and my peers were bored silly and isolated to the block we lived on and we’d done all we could do within that confinement… but we could sneak off and go have sex because we literally didn’t have anything else or better to do.  The adult version isn’t all that different although there’s always things one can do around the house but being confined like this brings a lot of additional stress like not being able to work, getting laid off and, oh, yeah, those bills aren’t going to just go away, are they?

The isolation also makes for a good condition for conversations to take place if one is of a mind to have them and because there’s only so much you can do without having to leave home to do it.  I suspect that any active bisexuals are losing their minds being grounded and I also suspect that there are, again, a lot of bisexual newbies who are in a situation to, um, not be a newbie any longer and many more who have determined that, you know, this is really a good time to be let off their leash and given how lethal this damned virus is proving to be.  Now, that doesn’t mean that one is going to think, “I’m not gonna get sick!” but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are of a mind that as long as they minimize human contact with a whole lot of people, they’ll be okay because the need for sex, again, becomes quite powerful in situations like this.

I wondered if all the people who are in sexless relationships are rethinking their decision to impose celibacy; I can’t think of a more irritating situation than to be confined with someone who is feeling a greater need to have sex… and you’re not of a mind to accommodate them.  Are such folks changing their mind about that… or is it possible that they could consider allowing that sex-crazed animal they’re stuck with to find their own solutions so that they, themselves, can remain celibate – and for whatever reason they’ve decided to be celibate?

Yep – I’m the guy who’d think about this stuff… because it’s some real-deal stuff.  I don’t profess to know a whole lot about women… but I know guys and I know what can happen when a guy needing sex and he’s at his wit’s end and without their usual outlet for sex being available… and spanking the monkey ain’t having the desired effect.  And even in this, I’ve wondered how people are, um, doing themselves since the privacy that’s usually needed for this has gone out the window and more so for all those folks who are sheltering in place with their children… and those of us who have children damn well know that they are pretty much the perfect birth control method since we’d prefer they not be prematurely exposed to the sex thing… and it’s pretty embarrassing to have them busting in on you while you’re trying to sneak some sexual relief in.

Is this imposed isolation making bisexuals have second thoughts about being bisexual?  Increasing a need to be, ah, more bisexual?  Less?  I found that when one faces a life-threatening situation, yeah, that’ll get you thinking about some stuff.  Quite a few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with unimaginable pain in my chest and after waking my wife up, found myself in the ER, taking doses of nitroglycerin and hooked up to more machines I didn’t think was possible to be connected to.  And, yes – I thought I was having a heart attack that was gonna take me out any moment now and it got me thinking about all of the things I hadn’t done… and, once it became clear that I wasn’t dying, a commitment to get them done.

Years later, when I had my stroke, the same thing flashed through my mind although, admittedly, that list of things I hadn’t gotten around to was way shorter than the original list and, yep – one of the things on the original list was to stop putting limits on my bisexuality so on the new list, it was about not taking my foot off the gas because it’s true that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.  So, sure – I’ve been wondering if there are bisexuals – and bisexuals-in-waiting – who are thinking along these lines and, sure, I’m gonna ask.

Because someone should ask.  So how is everyone holding up in this crisis?

“I’m Lookin’ For a Love”

This is actually the title of a song I heard a long time ago by a group called The Persuasions and it came to mind because bisexuals – both male and female – have a common problem:  Finding a lover.  I’m a member of a forum site for bisexuals and while there are women on this site, eh, we don’t hear much from them but the guys are almost always asking about how they can find a lover and, preferably, a Friend With Benefits rather than the now and much-dreaded casual hookup.  It doesn’t matter whether the guy in question is single, married or otherwise hooked up although, as you all know, the last two things bring their own problems to this party.

A lot of guys will state their preferred or ideal lover and, at least to me, quantum physics is less complicated.  While it’s almost instinctual to ask yourself what kind of person would you want as a lover and then create a long list of rather exact criteria that a potential lover has to meet and most of it is non-negotiable, what usually happens is a guy finds that he’s set the bar way too high and has made it damned near impossible for anyone to meet the required criteria.  Among bi guys, there is a resistance or outright rejection of casual sex that’s taking center stage these days because, for one, a lot of guys are of a mind that if they have an NSA encounter, they’re gonna most definitely get infected with something and, for the other, a lot of bi guys are more relationship-minded than at any other time I can remember so if their dream guy isn’t of a mind to be their FWB, it’s an instant deal breaker.

Then there are the guys who desperately want a male lover… and they’re doing nothing except maybe trolling the apps but, by and large, just sitting on their ass and waiting for a Mr. Right to drop out of the sky and into their lives.  Even if they use one of many apps out there for this, they won’t engage someone who might be checking them out and won’t even agree to meet someone even if it’s just to lay eyes on each other.  Guys are losing their minds about dating other men and asking why it’s so hard to do, why a lot of guys ain’t interested in dating, stuff like that and instead of keeping at it, they throw their hands in the air and just whine and complain about there not being any men they can get with when, usually, what they really mean is that they can’t find a guy who can meet their very exacting requirements and expectations.

I know quite a few bi gals who are like this as well but, being honest, you almost expect women to be highly picky about who gets to get in their panties and while I’ve not seen women looking for women to be… overly detailed about the kind of woman they want to be with, those I know are sitting around wondering why they can’t find their Ms. Right and, sometimes, can’t even find a Ms. Right Now.

And to those men and women I say that if you’re not willing to put in any of the work that’s required to find a lover, you’re not gonna find one.  Yeah, married folks have a different kind of problem with this but the basic premise is still the same whether you have permission or you’ve decided to take matters into your own hand:  You want a lover?  Get to looking for one and the search begins with taking a very close look at where you’ve set the bar and if you’ve actually set the bar too high for anyone to reach.  Yeah, yeah, I know – you want what you want and the way you want it but for those of you looking for a lover, ah, how’s that been working for you?

If I’ve learned nothing about being bisexual, I’ve learned that if you want to have the sex, it’s better that you make it easier to have it rather than to make it damned near impossible for someone to get you into bed.  Yeah, yeah, I know – ain’t too many women fond of being tagged as being easy but when I say make it easier, I mean that the thing anyone should do is have a set of minimum requirements rather than creating that laundry list of requirements that will pretty much guarantee that you’re not gonna find a lover.  Making it easier doesn’t mean being reckless, careless, or anything like that because you still have to be discriminating so that you can protect yourself at all time and if you’re, um, out on the side looking for a lover, making sure your ass is covered and all that.

So if you have a list of requirements, take a very close look at them… then get yourself “out there” so you can look for someone and someone can find you.  Of course, the thing that drives many bisexuals crazy is the fact that you can’t look at someone and tell that they might be bi; hell, you can talk to some people and not get a clue that they’re bi.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t “hang out” in places where people tend to gather and that can be pretty much anywhere and not necessarily the local bar or club.  The biggest and most real problem, of course, is how to strike up a conversation with someone just to find out if they may be bisexual and, yeah, it really does suck to find out that, oops, they aren’t.  I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I know that guys have fits trying to steer conversations in this direction… but many do find a way to squeeze it in since guys, um, well, we like to talk about sex and since we know this, now it’s a matter of “sneaking in” the topic if possible and then gauging their responses… but with the understanding that chances are good that if the other guy is, in fact, bisexual, he might not want to talk about it because bi guy fear being outed more than they fear anything else about this.

A lot of bisexuals can’t find a lover because they keep getting rejected… by people who have set the bar really high.  In this, that’s not any different from “normal” dating and trying to get laid; you might very well make it easy for someone to take you to bed but you can almost bet that other people are making it hard for you and themselves so to that end, the way to go is to not get frustrated over being rejected and you just don’t give up, not if this is something you really want and need.  Again, I don’t know about women in this but I do know that a lot of guys tend to be… pushy and aggressive and that’s a real deal-breaker so it pays to not be pushy and aggressive while not appearing to be needy which, honestly, that’s kinda the truth, ain’t it?  You need a lover so you can have the sex and other intimacies you need?

You’d probably be surprised by the things guys reject other guys for; again, it’s well-known that women can be really funny about who can get naked with them but I’m here to tell you that there are guys that make most women look very easy when it comes to this.  Rejection is just an occupational hazard in any of this but, again, just because you get rejected or you reject someone doesn’t mean that you should stop looking and trying.  You should, in my opinion, ask yourself what is the minimum thing you’re willing to do to get what you want; what are the minimum qualities the other person has to have?  Are stunning looks really a hard-set requirement and are their things in your mind that cannot be negotiated?  Sure… ya might not want to sleep with “just anyone” but it’s still a matter of what, if anything, you’re willing to do to find a lover and whether it’s just for “one night” or something a bit more lasting.

And if you’re sitting around waiting for someone to stumble onto you, well, that ain’t gonna cut it.  Sure, you could get lucky like that but I keep stressing that if you want and need a lover, you gotta do the work it takes to find and get one.  Got a problem with Mr. or Ms. Right Now?  Hmm, maybe rethinking your position on NSA stuff might be in order.  A Mr. or Ms. Right a must for you?  Okay… what’s the least thing they gotta have going for them so that you can consider them?  And might I point out that if you’re looking for instant chemistry, you’re going about this the wrong way because any kind of relationship has to be cultivated – ya gotta look for all of the things you may have in common instead of relying solely on chemistry instantly hitting you like a bolt of lightning and, indeed, a lot of bisexual make themselves sit on the bench because they don’t want to be bothered with creating their own chemistry with someone.

Are you looking for a love or, really, a lover?  What are you doing toward that worthy goal?  What aren’t you doing?  Yeah… married people.  Absolutely the worst situation a bisexual can be in, right?  Got a husband or wife who ain’t feeling you having a lover other than them?  Kinda okay with you having a lover… as long as they can get involved and, yeah, wants to be in charge of whatever you want to do and screen those you wanna do something with?  Yep – this situation puts a very major crimp in your quest to find a lover and the bad part is getting uncrimped is up to you to figure out if you can.  I don’t recommend it but I will say, for the record, that many bisexuals take this matter into their own hands and accept the consequences of their actions – and I’ll leave it at that.

You’re not gonna find a lover if you don’t look for one; a potential lover isn’t going to find you if you’re not “out there” to be found.  If you set the bar too high, chances are very good that the only person who can reach that far only exists inside your head.  If you don’t make this easy on yourself, well, good luck with that.  Don’t get discouraged when you get rejected if you can manage it – it’s a normal part of trying to find a lover and regardless to one’s sexual orientation, right?  And look everywhere and be seen everywhere… because you never know when you just might meet the lover you need and if it happens to be Mr. or Ms. Right Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing because, as I told a guy who was looking for his Mr. Right, if you’re not willing to “interview” people for the position (and that includes sleeping with them if you’re actually feeling them like that), how are you gonna find Mr. Right?  I told him that he didn’t have to be stupid about it but checking out Mr. Right Now will accomplish one important thing:  He was gonna get laid.  So if you’re looking for a lover, eh, you might consider this take on things.

There’s no cut and dried way to go about doing this – your results are definitely gonna vary.  I just happen to know what people do make it harder for them to find a lover or for a potential lover to find them and take them to bed.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author