“If my husband …

“If my husband was nearby and I was about to do something I knew would piss him off I wouldn’t do it. Why would I do something I know would piss him off if he’s not around?”

Be considerate of your spouse…

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Finding “Her”

Okay so I lied. I do look for her. I sift through cyberspace on Friday nights because the gay clubs are tired and the lesbian clubs are filled with couples. The streets are filled with her but she can’t see me because he’s holding my hand. Even though I just smiled at her and my eyes told her how beautiful she is. She saw my lust, she acknowledged it but didn’t know what to do with it. What could she say while he is by my side?

I sift through slutty cyberspace ads sometimes posting ads myself. I do get replies but I’ve yet to see her. They’ll come over in a second for a NSA hookup but that’s not what I want. I can’t go to cupid or match.com they don’t cater to the likes of me (I’m on bicupid already, lol).

The sites I do belong to don’t produce results so what do I do? I don’t look. That’s right, I just contradicted the shit out of myself but it’s true. I go on binges, searching, sifting, hoping I will be lucky and find the missing piece to my life. I’ve found Him. I never take Him for granted at any second of any day. He is my Prince Charming and I am utterly blessed!

But where is she?

As of 2010 there are 6,895,889,018 humans on this earth.

The population of the United States is 310,383,948.

157,244,385 of those humans in the United States are female.

The population of New York City as of 2012 is 19,570,261.

51% of people in New York are female. How many of those women are straight? Bisexual? Lesbian? Trans?

It’s exasperating looking for her so I search a bit…then I don’t. I just imagine to myself how we’ll meet when I just can’t take searching anymore and I give up.

Will she look at me from across the train? We’ll speak, exchange numbers and meet? Will I run over with my shopping cart in the grocery store by accident? Maybe she’ll smile at me walking past on a sunny day in the park. I don’t know. All I know is I miss her, I’ve had her, I’ve lost her…she’s out there somewhere. Maybe we’ll meet during Pride month. The odds seem a bit higher, lol.

Bisexuality and Religion- Let’s do it early-get it out the way ;)

One of my readers posted a comment telling me her relationship with her girlfriend was terminated because of a religious conversation and it invoked a post I know we all need to read but a touchy one. Strap in for a read, scroll down, see if you have time to read it. And read after it. I’m sure you will want to 🙂

So, here goes…

The Torah, Bible and Quran make no direct mention of the penalty of sin of woman lying with woman in intimacy.

Holy Bible

Research, do your best to find something in any of the three books (in the literal, not how you interpret a verse, or what so and so says this verse means, or your pastor said this verse means such and such. Show me a verse in a book). If you find a verse please do post the info in a  comment below this one. I would love to see where it specifies female on female sex is a sin, prohibited, forbidden, a crime or anything evil or even spoken of period! Not being facetious just knowledge seeking honestly.

I am a very learned woman in religion. I’ve read, read, re-read, studied, discussed, researched & taught religion in various settings. Formally and informally.  I’ve met with high ranking spiritual advisors, talked with learned believers, watched videos & lectures and the list of learning goes on.

I stopped my religious quest around 2009/2010.

I began my quest in 1994 independently.

I am the firstborn child of a Pastor.

My mother read the bible to me nightly until I reached reading age and began on my own.

I was born with God in my spirit and on my tongue.

Everyone thought I’d be a preacher just like my Dad…

I aspired to be as righteous a woman I could be but everywhere I turned was reading homosexuality was an abomination. Did it apply to women too? Did God hate me because I loved women? I could never be a preacher. I was a sinner.

People told me I was going to burn in hell, I was a sinner, and the list goes on. Now, at first nobody said these things to my face, I read them in the book(s) I loved so much. The Bible, then the Quran. They both said man lying with man was a great sin. For years and years sporadically I cried and cried wondering why God would hate me when I loved Him so much. I tried so hard to be a good  servant to him. He knew this. I was a walking example, I spread the word to any receptive soul. I taught those with hate how to love, I gave charity, did good deeds, I was a child and warrior of God.

I was also bisexual.

From the time I could remember.

In the first grade my mother caught me kissing a girl in the closet.

I had “boyfriend” at the time.

I was becoming aware of sexuality…my sexuality.

I liked boys… and girls.

Through all my research & reading I’ve yet to see a scripture or verse in any book speaking of women lying with women. I wondered why then did so many people tell me I was going to hell when they found out about my sexuality?

I got frustrated and turned my back on God. I just really wanted to be a good God servant so bad and He supposedly hated me for something I couldn’t change; just like I couldn’t change who my parents were or what color skin I had. After I abandoned Him I’d wish He’d send me a sign He was still there (as if He’d ever left, smh), that He still loved me.

He was tough with me but the God I believe in loves me like I love me (& I’ve got a thing for me!) but way more. 😀

I am  and always have been so abundantly blessed. He’s never left my side! He’s always there when I need Him (sometimes He leaves a sister wondering where the heck He’s at but He always comes on time, lol).  He calls to me when I slip away, when I know I’m about to do wrong. He’s always right here all the time. He’s never let me go even on the worst of my worst days. I’ve had many miracles in my life and the funny part is I’ve always been bisexual! So, if God hates me and I’m going to hell why am I so blessed? Why did he bless me with gorgeous, intelligent and healthy children? The best husband a girl could ask for? A mother and father who are still living and healthy, understading and supportive? Gorgeous  siblings? A good education, intelligence, beauty, talent, health, good friends and so many small blessings I can’t list them all!?

Every day I’m abundantly blessed.

Truth is, nobody knows what God is going to do, how he “feels”, what he’s “thinking”. Nobody can tell you anything about you and your relationship with God, that’s between you two! He created you from a blood clot in your mother’s womb and breathed your soul, your life into her body. He created each of your organs, body parts, skin and features in your mother’s womb with care and took his time. He provided you with nourishment and protection while He was working on His creation-You. Nine or however many months later you were born, and He loved you as much as He did when He was creating you. You were perfect. To Him, His angels and your parents you were just perfect. You were innocent then. At some point you began to realize who you are. You figured out you were white or black, straight, bisexual, poor or rich.

At some point in your life you read the Bible, Torah or Quran and you saw scary words. You heard horrible things from your religious leaders at service and from the congregation, neighbors, family and friends about gay people. Now you realize somehow your  God might not love you anymore because you have come to realize you are something He can’t possibly love,

Bisexual.600px-Anti_Gay_and_Lesbian_movements_sign

Direct Quote from the Matriarch of my family, the final authority in our bloodline: “God made us in His image and His likeness. Gen 1:27 That means if you are purple, white, blue, gay, straight, bisexual, whatever you are He created you in His image, His likeness. How could He hate you if He made you in His likeness and image? Each one of us was created perfectly by Him the way He wanted us to be. Period.”

When she said that it was like years of mental abuse (from readings, conversations, services, etc…) melted away. This is a woman who’s love and life is The Church. Her son is a Pastor, the father of her children a Pastor, other family members Evangelists. She made sense. So much sense I was relieved internally, a part of me quietly exhaled and my soul didn’t ache anymore. I knew God loved me still. I’d been struggling with my faith because of my sexuality and I took it to her. He spoke those words through her I believe. He knew what my soul needed to hear and I finally heard it. After all these years of reading and research something so simple could be the answer I was searching for-God accepts me as I am, as he created me!

rainbow with sky

I didn’t choose to be bisexual, at the very beginning of my becoming aware of sexuality I was naturally attracted to both sexes. I’ve always been spiritually torn.

Through all my years of research and soul searching she said the most common sense thing I’ve ever heard, 110% bible based, quoted from the Book of Genesis without changing a word. Now, it subjective interpretation in the slightest sense for all you critics and deeper thinkers out there but it wasn’t a bit off from what I immediately looked up and read as she said it. It made sense and it was written. I’ll roll with that one. May God forgive me if I’m wrong.

If child molesters, murders, rapists, animal abusers, child abusers can be forgiven for their sins why couldn’t I…if I was sinning? I was told by an Islamic Scholar what God sets forth for man in scripture stands for wo-man. I think that’s interpretation because God is very clear on what is for man and what is for woman in the books. If we can base our lives as religious servants around living the literal sense of the books why interpret what we wish how we wish applying it to what we wish when we wish? Make sense?

I take the book(s) for what they say. I’m no saint, I’ve fallen off the path much in the past few years. I always have ups and downs with my righteousness, even when I stray far. I always come back. God willing my heart will beat long enough for me to get there again. Love yourself as God does.  I do my best to love myself and those in my life the way I love me, the way He loves me. The God I know of is a merciful one. He created us all in His Likeness and His image.

For the record, I’m not justifying any form of homosexuality in religion.

All books are very specific regarding men lying with men, each religion has their own stance on dealing with homosexuality and they are to be respected as such. There is no bending the rules, only choosing not to follow the rules if you choose to follow the religion and live it as your life. Those who choose to can believe other than the scriptures or believe what is written, that is the will of Mankind. All books were written by man, all tampered with excluding the Quran preserved 1400 years to date, scholarly .

“I don’t know everything, haven’t read everything, didn’t go to Theological, Seminary or Divinity School. I’m not saying being bisexual is okay in any religion, these are just my current thoughts on the topic.” -J.D

Some things have been added, some things have been taken out, whole chapters and books lost from The Bible and Torah. There’s nothing pure about these books. Do your own research. Critics suggest even The Quran is not pure!

Do your research on how each religious book was compiled and it’s contributing authors. You’d be surprised what you find.

What about this version, that version, this interpretation, that interpretation of the books?

Do you feel comfortable basing your life off of other people’s version of God’s word?

Try finding the original un-tampered version of your Holy book if you are serious about your religion.

It’s worth knowing more than knowing less.

If you feel severely torn or in crisis talk to a trusted friend, family member or don’t be ashamed to get a counselor.

 What are your thoughts?

Do you have a dilemma because of your religious beliefs?Share it with us.

You never know who you might help!

 Know your God, know your religion beyond just what you’ve been taught, know yourself, love yourself. Never stop learning, growing and researching! If you’re going to base your life off it, you should know as much about it as possible!

-Jay Dee

Here’s a place for further reading.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bart-d-ehrman/the-bible-telling-lies-to_b_840301.html

Who Wrote The Bible and Why It Matters, Dr. Bart D. Ehrman

Craving…(What is a Triad?)

I can taste her on my tongue, smell her in my nose.

I can feel the softness of her beneath my hand and between my lips…

I can feel the weight of her breasts, the fullness of her hips.

What I wish I looked like...

But she’s not here, and my husband leans in to kiss me, stirring me from my thoughts.

She’s nowhere near, I haven’t heard from her in a while, I know it will be while before I see her again. We aren’t in love, we don’t really involve ourselves with each other’s lives, we don’t even really talk on the phone. She is the only woman I feel safe lying with, I know her life, her routine and what male she sleeps with.

Her personality sometimes drives me insane (being totally honest here) but she’s a good woman. She’s a mother first, daughter second and herself when she can be. Usually that’s with me. With us. She’s free to be herself when she comes over, she’s pampered when she’s undressed and lying in her beautiful feminine glory spread before me to devour. She loves it. He loves it. I love it more. She’s in the closet so we could never be serious, I’m too out for her. We could never truly be lovers in every sense, she could never fully join us in a Triad…although she wants to. She has a rooted life she’s willing to uproot to be with us. She wants to be our wife, love us equally as we would equally love her. It’s been over a year and we are comfortable with her, as she is with us.

polyamory rings

Truth is, we care more about her than to crash the backbone of her existence. She talked to us about coming out to her family, having a true relationship with us. Due to her family’s heritage and beliefs it was in her best interest to stay in the closet. Her world might be totally ruined.

But I crave her. I crave her when I can’t have her. I crave for her to be more than what she is and that’s not fair. She has the body of the woman I could love for life, but she’s just not my type…make sense? She’s really not. But she is when she lays down. She’s a perfectly delicious match.

Today because of who I am married to I absolutely love another bisexual woman in my bed, with us. I haven’t always been this way. I used to be a jealous beast! She was mine, he was mine-no touching, watching, interfering! My girlfriend and my boyfriend were always totally separated in my life.

My ex girlfriend decided to join us one day and the feeling of our three bodies dancing, sensually, naked, hot, sweating, passionate was amazing. We spent entire weekends together cooking, snuggling, watching movies, making love over and over again. The three of us. We all got along extremely well.  She came over often. It wasn’t only or always about sex. I loved her, she loved me. He was just getting to know her and he liked her a lot. It would have perfect had she joined our marriage, moved in, became a part of our family. I know how to live in a Triad relationship, I’ve done it before and it was great. My girlfriend didn’t want to become a part of the family, she wanted me to herself despite my marital status, despite our lovely weekends and hot threesomes. She’s now my ex. He and I are married still. We vowed till death do us part.

If only She was like my ex-girlfriend…(unfair again, I know…)

I don’t look for threesomes, I don’t look for Triad situations, I don’t look for anything period.

I just crave her, I hope I meet her and she is what I’ve waited for.

I promise I will be all she needs from me if she loves me as I love her.

If the stars align he will love us equally as I love them equally hoping she loves us equally.
polyamory rings

BiWives…Would you consider a Triad?

 

 

What is a Homophobic? How do I deal with one?

Homo- meaning same sex, Phobia-meaning fear. Homophobia means fear of homosexuals. When scared most people lash out. In an effort to protect their families, homes, loved ones they lash out to keep their fears away from the home front. These people are usually very vocal about their feelings toward gay/bisexual people. They hurl slurs, they avoid associated places and people at all costs, they make rude jokes and say very hurtful things agains gay and bisexual people. Some even resort to physical violence, bullying and even rape. What gay/bisexual person do you know would want to be around that? Homophobia stems from many things. For some it’s upbringing, religious beliefs, fear, questioning of selves, bad experiences, a host of reasons can make someone homophobic. It’s my personal belief homophobics need help and counseling to get to the root of their phobia just as a person who suffers from a case of any other severe phobia would.

600px-Anti_Gay_and_Lesbian_movements_sign

Understanding the psychology of a homophobic mind makes it a bit easier to deal with one when encountering one.

Have you ever all of a sudden found yourself in a conversation with a homophobic? Did you ask yourself what to do? Was it even a question for you? Did you open your mouth and defend “our kind”. Or did you just make your way through the conversation as best you could without tolerating or inflicting verbal pain?

I’ve battled bible thumpers, homophobes and everything in between. It’s so not worth it. In the end people will believe what they wish, what they were told or what they strongly believe in. You can’t change that.If they think gay/bisexual is bad, you can’t change their mind.

What you can do is tell someone what your perception is, and how the topic makes YOU feel. How they take what you say is their choice. How you react thereafter is yours as well. If you are pro and they are con you can easily be sucked into a ‘battle’.

battle

Being ourselves can be hard at times and the one thing I learned over time is battling is a waste of energy. Heated gay/straight debates are a waste of time. Talking calmly without sarcasm is probably the best way to get through to an ignorant mind. The person can hear you better instead of being defensive.

In the end of many of these past conversations we’ve agreed to disagree. Sometimes hotly, sometimes amicably.

Either way the one thing I know is I exist, I’m not a mistake, abomination, satan worshiper, adultress or any other evil slur. God doesn’t hate me, this I know because I am abundantly blessed. I am not confused, this is not a phase, I am a well cultivated me. I love me. God loves me and no matter who judges, it’s okay to be me. 🙂

What do you do when you encounter a homophobe?

“To lie is to…

“To lie is to deceive, to deceive is to cheat, to cheat is to steal, to steal is to cheat, to cheat is to deceive, to deceive is to lie, and the cycle continues. You are the creator of your own situations.”

Secondary quote…

“When we are selfish and self serving acting only upon our wishes without the consideration of our spouse we can’t possibly believe karma is on our side. Karma never misses a beat.” -Jay Dee

Rally Against Violence in NYC

The rainbow flag, sometimes called 'the freedo...
The rainbow flag, sometimes called ‘the freedom flag’, has been used as a symbol of gay and lesbian pride since the 1970s. The different colors symbolize diversity in the gay community, and the flag is often used as a symbol of gay pride in gay rights marches. It originated in the United States, but is now used around the world. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I was there. It was beautiful, emotionally charged from the heart, a scene from my childhood- the 80’s & 90’s came flashing back to me. (I have a pics and video I’ll be uploading behind this post)
New York wasn’t always safe for anyone of LGBT orientation. I remember being scared to talk to a girl, being scared to wear my “boy” clothes, wear my Caesar haircut, being scared of being jumped or slashed in my face. The LGBT community, including the youth of the time fought for our freedom to walk around this city as who we are without fear. We paved the way for the freedom we have today. New York wasn’t always a ‘Gay Friendly’ city either. The police didn’t care, politicians didn’t care, we were targets without protection.
Hilary Clinton was the catapult into mainstream acceptance for many New Yorkers. With her support and other politicians finally hearing us New York began to take us seriously and change. The recent spark in violence against the LGBT community has heartbroken me almost as much as the day my towers fell. They were my guidance when I was directionally challenged teen on my way to school. So was The LGBT Center, Hedrick Martin, places like Astor Place, Washington Sq. Park, Christopher Street and The Piers when I was looking for who I was within myself. The Village is my home, freedom was my cause then and it’s motivated me to become active again. Here’s a link to the Rally that sparked an old flame in my heart, brought tears to my eyes. The recent violence in our community has sent this revolutionary soul back into the fight.
Education was key then, it is now. Educate the ignorant. Share links, talk about it, don’t be afraid to discuss it. It’s OUR issue too. Being bisexual can be a ‘cloak’ against being targeted for hate crimes if you are in a hetero marriage as I am. To me that’s a cowards way to sit on the sidelines and enjoy the freedom others fought for. You too sisters can become involved as I am if you are out to your family and friends.  To our lesbian sisters be careful, take all precautions and become involved. Find a group, a meeting, go to your local center, fight back. The revolution has begun again. To our sisters in the closet, maybe through educating your straight friends and any open homophobes in your life you can help pop some of those ignorance bubbles in their heads. Straight people can hear straight people (or who they perceive as straight) 😉
Tell me, what are your thoughts on the recent spark of violence in the city?

passion

See Video of the rally here

*ATTACKED HOURS AFTER ANTI HATE RALLY, MERE BLOCKS FROM RALLY SITE!!! CLICK BELOW FOR VIDEO* http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Anti-Gay-Hate-Crime-SoHo-Broadway-Attack-208337881.html

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