I asked…

I was patient, I didn’t settle, I asked…and She’s here.

Like I said in previous articles I barely have time for myself. I live in New York City where it’s always hustle and bustle just to get by. Very expensive city and the rat race is real here.

My husband and I hit the bed late every night, exhausted. We have no time/energy/money for dates or vacations. We have a family growing exponentially and rapidly. We’ve even halted our own fertility process because our blended family is branching out and things/situations always come back to mom, and dad.

We have no children together and have been trying for about 5 years to conceive. I was scheduled for a fertility procedure that may have given us our dream of having a child together just this past Tuesday. Due to the recovery time, new and unexpected career opportunities (like literally as soon as 2016 came in) and the kids having kids we’re just really rethinking the best time, if any, to have a child together.

Our life has been non stop family issues from day one. Blending older children into a new family is not easy. Raising older children is not easy. We were students in our last year of college working on our second careers when we met. Finally this year we’ve been able to pursue our careers after 5 years.

When we met I was with Her. I loved Her. Really couldn’t imagine Her not being in my life. She’s as goal focused, mature, responsible, driven and motivated as I am to get where She wants to be in Her life. I love her so much for that. She’s younger than I am, but just as focused. She’s down to earth, so beautiful inside and out.

After a time She was no longer in my life. I tried to replace Her. Didn’t work. I accepted there would never be another Her, I left well enough alone and just lived with missing Her.

With the start of this year, after much heartache and pain, She has entered my life again. 😀

Our schedules are off a few hours. She has much more time to herself than I do. She lives in a rural area now. She has earlier hours than I do, gets off much earlier than I do. By the time I’m done working after I get home from work (working on presentations, books, etc), I’m beat. I do my best to make time at least a few times a week, I do love the girl, but work and family are so exhausting I’m half sleep by the time we talk most times.

We’ve never been long distance before and it drives me crazy to text and call her knowing I can’t see her.

I don’t want to talk to her on the phone when I’m exhausted.

I want to see her.

Smell her.

See her laugh, not just hear her voice.

I want to eat dinner with her, watch her mother her children (she’s such an amazing mom!)…

There’s so much we both want. But we’re married. She’s taking it slow with her husband, easing him into the idea that we could happen without jeopardizing our marriages.

My husband is very supportive of us, he knows what we have together first hand. He witnessed our bond and he hopes we have the opportunity to have dinner with her and her husband one day to discuss the possibility of her and I. So do I. She says she needs time. I say take as long as you need to.

True love never dies…

Because I have the utmost respect for her marriage I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize a happy home. It’s all in her time, with his permission, or it won’t happen.  I don’t know if I’ll see her again, or not. He may not allow her to have a friend she’s intimate with, someone else she says I love you to at the end of a long day. She’s never been married to a man and in a relationship with a female before. She’s a one woman/man kind of girl. She expressed she’s concerned it may be too much for her. I know how real and deep her love is. She doesn’t want to do anything to disrupt her home in any way, I understand.

We will see in due time what happens, if anything. 

For now, with even better opportunities before me in the coming weeks I’m struggling with loving Her from a distance, being overwhelmed with my children having children back to back (one in Nov, one in Dec, one any day now) and new professional responsibilities.

This is what my BiWifeLife looks like today.

I’ll keep you all posted with Her and I. I can only hope the Universe is kind enough to me to bring her fully back into my life.

I miss her so much.

She is the only woman I know of for me…

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

Ask And Ye May Receive…

Two weeks ago SHE, my HER, the one I loved and lost, walked right back into my life and threw my heart into a whirl wind. 

She’s married now. She’s monogamous now.

She’s a dedicated mother-to his child now. She lives VERY far away now.

But she’s here now.

Shit. 😦 🙂 ???

This is the woman I loved and lost. The woman that makes my heart flutter when I think about her, the one that my dreams are literally made of, the one who’s voice makes me happy, who’s smell I clearly remember years later…the woman I would have married…if I could have.

I don’t believe in marrying a woman for myself due to religious beliefs but I DO NOT discriminate on other’s beliefs. To each his/her own. Each person has their own personal beliefs.

My beliefs wouldn’t let me marry Her. So I married Him.

He’s not second best in the least, he wasn’t my second choice. He was my first and only choice…in a man.

She was my first and only choice of women.

She couldn’t deal with the idea of being in a polyamourous relationship.

She believes in devoted monogamy.

She wanted us to love each other until the end of time, just her and I, and I wanted to so bad.

I could have rode off into the sunset with her on any given day…but I couldn’t be with just her.

I am bisexual.

I am not a lesbian.

I am not heterosexual.

I love men.

I love women.

I always think about what life would be like had I married her…

His step-daughter,  soon to be legally adopted daughter, would be my stepdaughter. The woman I love would be wearing my ring, not his. I wouldn’t have the beautiful and growing family I have today. I wouldn’t have the wonderful husband I searched 20 years for today. I would have her laughter, her touch, the smell of her in my bed when I woke up for work in the morning, not just the memory of her. I wouldn’t have the many glorious moments my husband and I have shared since our first date. I’d have a woman who I know would love me until the end of time as long as I loved her the same.

Since we’ve connected again we talk by phone, we text. I am grateful to just hear her voice again, look forward to her calls, her texts. 🙂

We talked about our past, how we split and where this may go, if anywhere, from here.

Her and I are a lot alike…

I’m no cheater or homewrecker. Neither is she.

We both have husbands, who know of our connection and prior relationship.

I respect her marriage as she respects the boundaries of mine. Her husband is a lucky man and I respect all the hard work he’s put into making the woman I love happy. That’s what counts to me, that she’s happy. 

I don’t know if I’m capable of being just her friend. But I’ll sure try my best just to have the smallest things about her in my life. Only thing is, I feel like I can’t be with another woman while she’s anywhere remotely near my Universe. It’s already been a challenge putting her out of my heart and moving on.

She is the only female planet I want to live on, but there may be no oxygen for me to live in her world right now.

While I’m struggling to find another woman to replace what her and I had, I know I’m trying to do just that. Find someone to replace her, when she just can’t be replaced.

New Year, new situations that’s for sure.

What does the New Year have in store?

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

New Year, New ______?

I think that’s what at the forefront of everyone’s minds the first couple weeks of January, what is this year going to be like?

This year is going be whatever you make it.

😀

Life has it’s unexpected happenings but for whatever we aren’t in control of, we are in control of our own choices and decisions as well as how we react to the situations we encounter through the year.

I’m no peaceful guru. I go through stuff. I stress, although I work hard not to. This year I’m making an even more conscious effort to eliminate stress out of my life but how practical is that really?

I birthed 5 children who are all ages 15-22 at present. My two oldest are engaged, one just gave birth about 3 weeks ago, the other is due any day. They are not fully self sufficient. Each kid has their own set of young adult issues I have to deal with. My husband and I work our asses off to live in the Greatest City in the World but never seem to have time or expendable money for ourselves. The cost of living is astronomical here.

Add being a bisexual married woman to the equation things can be a bit overwhelming. When do I have time for me? For the things I want? Being an involved mother, a dedicated wife, a Community Advocate I’m always living in a world of selfless actions that leave me weary and worn out with no time or energy for myself.

Last month of 2016 I announced to my older children I’m cutting the umbilical cord and going back to focusing on myself, my marriage, our goals, minimizing my stress and being more accountable to myself for myself. They understand this is another phase of growing up and we are working very closely with them toward complete independence. Whew! That’s one huge stressor down…and we’ll be working the first few months of 2016 to ease out other stressors.

2016 is all about peace, prosperity, love, happiness and balance for us. Balance…

That’s what it’s all about. Balancing Our wants and desires with those of our loved ones, balancing Our career with home, work from play.

Our spouse and lover…or your desire for a lover.

Balance. That’s the theme for 2016. Balance. Life IS one big ole balancing act.

Happy New Year! Looking forward to spending 2016 with you all! 🙂 🙂

-Jay Dee, Founder