Finding “Her”

Okay so I lied. I do look for her. I sift through cyberspace on Friday nights because the gay clubs are tired and the lesbian clubs are filled with couples. The streets are filled with her but she can’t see me because he’s holding my hand. Even though I just smiled at her and my eyes told her how beautiful she is. She saw my lust, she acknowledged it but didn’t know what to do with it. What could she say while he is by my side?

I sift through slutty cyberspace ads sometimes posting ads myself. I do get replies but I’ve yet to see her. They’ll come over in a second for a NSA hookup but that’s not what I want. I can’t go to cupid or they don’t cater to the likes of me (I’m on bicupid already, lol).

The sites I do belong to don’t produce results so what do I do? I don’t look. That’s right, I just contradicted the shit out of myself but it’s true. I go on binges, searching, sifting, hoping I will be lucky and find the missing piece to my life. I’ve found Him. I never take Him for granted at any second of any day. He is my Prince Charming and I am utterly blessed!

But where is she?

As of 2010 there are 6,895,889,018 humans on this earth.

The population of the United States is 310,383,948.

157,244,385 of those humans in the United States are female.

The population of New York City as of 2012 is 19,570,261.

51% of people in New York are female. How many of those women are straight? Bisexual? Lesbian? Trans?

It’s exasperating looking for her so I search a bit…then I don’t. I just imagine to myself how we’ll meet when I just can’t take searching anymore and I give up.

Will she look at me from across the train? We’ll speak, exchange numbers and meet? Will I run over with my shopping cart in the grocery store by accident? Maybe she’ll smile at me walking past on a sunny day in the park. I don’t know. All I know is I miss her, I’ve had her, I’ve lost her…she’s out there somewhere. Maybe we’ll meet during Pride month. The odds seem a bit higher, lol.


5 thoughts on “Finding “Her”

  1. I am blown away how many times I read a story or thought, on this site and think I could have wrote that post too. You are so right, finding a female soulmate is so tough when you are attached to your other half. I went to dinner with my husband and my son last night, our waitress was so stunning. She was tall, with a slender neck, her dress had a plunging neck line that showed her ample cleavage, a skinny waist that blossomed out into a beautifully rounded waist and a heart shaped bottom that begged to be kissed. Her legs were long and looked muscular. I spent my night blissfully fantasizing about kissing her full lips, suckling on those soft breasts, and ravaging her beautiful neck. How wonderful would it be to have her wrap those legs around my head as I taste her wet sticky passion and acquaint myself with her distinct fragrance. The amazing battle of passion and longing I could have with this woman in my life would be a spectacular Symphony that could fuel my passion for years to come. I know that having her in my life would make me happy, I would be a better woman, a better wife, and a better mother. But how do I communicate that to her when I am sitting down to a dinner with my husband and my son, when I am laughing at his jokes? How do I get her to see me for me? To her I am a wife and a mother. To her I am unavailable and unattainable. But I am so so much more, I want to tell her I am passionate and funny, I am hers if she would just give me a chance. I have so much love to give, and I would love to give my heart to her also. But when do i voice my hearts desire, Before the appetizers, or before dessert. Do I follow her to the bathroom and confess my bisexuality in front of the sink, tell her how much my secret passion and desire is to just get her number. I want to ask her out on a date, but would she understand? Should I just return tomorrow for a late lunch alone so she can see me in a different light? I am not a closeted bisexual. I am a strong growth and out in the open for all too see, but I can’t announce it like a title when I meet others for the first time. “Hi, I’m Jenna, bisexual woman, and you are?” In the end I decide to do the hang back. I ask my husband to take our daughter to the car, so I can hit the restroom and steal a moment to talk to her. As I wait for her to return with the check at the previously occupied table I have butterflies in my stomach, but they are lost in the ebb and flow of desire of my heart and the warm tingle between my thighs that has been growing in intensity and has been my focus for the last half hour. As she returns my card, I delicately take her hand and hand her a napkin that reads “I think you are stunning! Call me sometime, (my number) Jenna XOXO” and then it has a lipstick imprint from the kiss I gave it. The kiss that was meant for her. I thanked her for a lovely night and headed out to my waiting family in the car. Maybe she will call, then I can explain it. Here’s hoping.

  2. Jay Dee, thanks for your response. It’s nice to find a connection, even if it’s in the impersonal cyber world. It helps to feel less…isolated. And as for your suggestion…I’m keeping my eyes open. I’ll share any updates. -J.H.

    1. Sounds great! Glad I could be of help. I’m always here. We’re always here. Even sit is virtual for now. I plan big things for BiWifeLife. Interactive video chats, ground meetings, an annual conference. Keep coming around. It would be members like you that will help build BiWifeLife into the community I dream of building!

  3. So true! I love my husband and spending time with him and my kiddos but no one is going to think I’m interested when I’m with them. I’m sure they think I’m admiring their outfit or boots…God, I love women in sexy boots. Top it off by living in the repressive South and the chances of meeting someone and starting a relationship is infinitesimal. I’m out to my husband and a few close friends but in my attempt to keep my worlds from colliding I am not advertising for a relationship. I am a Christian who struggles with the condemnation, guilt, and self-loathing that comes with the traditional view of sexuality, so I flip between wanting to pursue my desire and trying to stifle it. Thanks for your site. I’ll visit it frequently.

    1. I am so sorry for the late response. My computer crashed.
      In any case, ooooh Chile (child in black folks slang, lmao)…you and I have much in common!
      I too struggled with religion vs. sexuality. My main question is if God created me, he knows me better than I know me then why am I supposed to be going to hell for being me when I love God way more than I can ever love myself? I didn’t ask to be this way. I really was born this way. Needless to say I’m not practicing my religion at present. Nor am I sexually active with females at present (not for lack of trying, lol). Still figuring things out .
      The south is rampant with closeted bi/gay/les folks. Don’t feel bad, they’re all around you. Become very active in your community check out the looks you get. Realize they aren’t admiring your boots all the time 😉 I’m not saying church activities I’m talking other recreational stuff like maybe join the softball team or baking club. Trust me, a lot goes on behind closed doors and in secret…especially in an environment like the one you describe living in.
      Keep visiting, I’m here and will be posting on a wide variety of topics. You can always suggest a topic. I’m here for you to talk to any time.
      I’ll be moderating very frequently now that my computer is back! Thanks for coming bi and hope to see more of you!

      -Jay Dee


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