First I want to thank you Ken for visiting Our blog/site and inspiring this post.
I am glad to have touched you in a way that makes you feel comfortable enough to share your experience and encourage your wife to open up to you about her true inner self. Your sincerity is touching-I even read your post to my husband. Your introduction of you and your wife is exactly why I chose to start this blog. Thank you for visiting, and being a part of it. 😀 I hope within my words each of you find something positive to take and apply to your marriage.
Firstly let’s define the three key words in the title.
Effective– producing a decided, decisive, or desired effect
Open– having no enclosing or confining barrier : accessible on all or nearly all sides OR completely free from concealment : exposed to general view or knowledge
Honest-free from fraud or deception : marked by integrity; marked by free, forthright, and sincere expression
Communication-information transmitted or conveyed. a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior
“…We lack open communication and dialog that a couple clearly needs and the result is that one person is unfulfilled while the other person is left to silently observe this void.”
I cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT effective, open and honest communication is!!!
Communication is clearly expressing yourself and your partner doing the same. Giving and receiving of information. She needs to understand how to communicate with you in an effective manner to allow you to understand who she is and how she feels.
To be effective means to clearly convey her thoughts to you in a way you will understand. If she is vague ask for clarity. If she doesn’t offer information gently ask. Let her know that no matter what you’ll still love her and support her and you mean it. Hear her out and allow her to give to you what she feels comfortable giving.
It’s important not to push or prod too much as this can make her clam up but make sure when you do talk she is effective in clarifying your inquiries. You need to understand her as she understands herself…if she understands herself.
If she doesn’t understand herself be willing to work with her to help her find herself by supporting her journey, quietly, unobtrusively but actively. It is a fine line to walk and you’ll feel your way around over time. If she feels your love and support eventually she’ll invite you further into herself as she did when you were courting. 🙂
Openness means she’s being 110% truthful. Be prepared in case she says something that hurts if you ask her to be truthfully open. You asked for it. If you don’t want to know the true answer-don’t ask the question. Be real with yourself as well that sometimes this stuff can hurt. Sometimes you really don’t want to know everything, some thoughts and feelings are best left private.
Remember that privacy is valuable and although there should be no secrets, lack of privacy can build resentments. It’s another fine line to walk but another you’ll feel your way around over time. Try talking when you know she’ll be most receptive. Over dinner, a glass of wine, after a nice movie, while snuggling, after making love, while picnicking or on a long walk. You know your wife and when she’s most receptive. When she’s in her best mood she’ll be more inclined to talk.
If talking doesn’t work try watching bi movies together, reading a bi book excerpt to her and asking if she’ll read to you. Watch bisexual videos together, talk to her about bisexual friends you know of. Be proactive and let her know above all else it’s okay to be her and be open.
Whatever you do don’t ever use her sexuality against her in an argument. You are sure to stonewall yourself from open, honest and effective communication for a while if not forever.
“I plan on referring her to this blog. I don’t know how, but I will. Because she is Black. Because she is Bisexual. Because we are married and because I think that this topic needs to be one that is comfortably talked about…if no other place than at the kitchen table amongst two adults committed and in love with each other.”
I hope you do. I hope she posts, asks questions, discusses with you her most inner desires, thoughts, feelings and truths. You both deserve it! Remember the show Smarter than a 5th Grader? I only watched one episode but I learned a lot. Keeping things simple and direct are usually the right way to go. How to get her to this blog? Pull it up, try “Hey hon, I want you to check something out real quick.” Maybe she’ll be open maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll poke around a bit with you, maybe she’ll come back later on her own, maybe she won’t want to be bothered.
Don’t stop trying to support her unless she makes it very clear she’s not willing to try to communicate with you at all. Then it’s up to you how to deal with it.
“I want to thank you for providing, perhaps, a tool for discussion and openness. No marriage deserves to have closed and locked doors.”
I thank you once again Ken for visiting OUR blog and I’d like to once again I pray I’ve said something you guys can use as a tool to make your marriage stronger, more transparent, ease your communication and bring you guys a bit closer together through understanding.
May God bless you both with many, many years of happiness ahead.
I’m sure you will find your way as a couple as she finds her way within herself. You were patient, kind and loving to bring 8 years of marriage into existence by her side.
Give her more patience, love and understanding and most of all- time. Time reveals all. She just needs time.
In due time I hope to meet Mrs. Ken 🙂
Thank you for visiting and feel free to post questions, comments, article ideas and anything else you’d like to explore.