To the Husbands/Boyfriends of a Bisexual Woman

I have a message for the guys in the title of this writing.  Well, actually, I have a few things to share with you and especially if you’re harboring any negativity about her being the way she is, beginning with this:

If she’s bisexual, chances are it has nothing to do with you.  It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or need you in her life and it sure doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like or otherwise enjoy sex with you.  What it does mean is that she needs something that you can’t do a whole lot about and it’s not your fault that you’re not a woman.  So, should you discover that your lady is having thoughts and/or feelings about other women, it would be best for her state of mind not to ignore her or start getting all Old Testament on her about how she’s thinking and feeling.

Next, don’t do what a lot of other people tend to do:  Don’t confuse thinking with doing – they’re not the same things.  If she shares this with you or you figure it out, don’t assume that she’s been doing things behind your back the whole time you’ve known her and, jeez, don’t be foolish enough to accuse her of any impropriety.  Next, understand that her sexuality isn’t something that needs to be fixed and in a lot of situations, the only thing you have to do is just listen to what she has to say about it.  You can ask her questions like how long has she been feeling this way; you can ask her if there is or was some specific event in her life that got her thinking/feeling the way she does and if she answers, just listen to what she has to say.

Yes, you can ask her what, if anything, she might want to do about this – while keeping in mind what I said about thinking and doing not being the same thing – and even if she tells you what she’s thinking about if she could do something, do your best not to get bent out of shape because you should remember and take to heart the first thing I said to you:  This ain’t about you; all of this is all about how she feels, what she’s thinking and even doing some wishful thinking if it were possible for her to actually do something about any of this.

And, my god, do not even think about the word “threesome!”  Okay, wait a moment; you can think it… just don’t let it out of your mouth; don’t even ask her about this unless she happens to mention it and should she do this, pay close attention to what she has to say about it and if she says she doesn’t think she could do something like that – and, believe it or not, most women believe that they can’t and shouldn’t – then believe her.

Now… what should you do?  The most important thing you can do first and foremost is to assure her that you’re not going to hand her head to her.  Hearing this might make you feel some kind of way and the next thing you should do is to keep your feelings in check – just remain calm and as best you can manage because you’re about to learn something very important about the woman you love.  Another thing you should do is to get rid of any preconceived notions you have about bisexual women; you may have heard some stuff – and who hasn’t? – and your best bet is to forget all of it and, once again, listen to what she has to say and especially if you get it in your head that she’s not happy with any sex you’ve been having… because in many bisexual women, the actual sex is of secondary concern.

Oh, and if you happen to be wondering, I was married to a bisexual woman for a very long time so, yeah, I kinda/sorta know what I’m talking about; I also know quite a few bisexual women and they’ve taught me a lot about bisexuality in women and I’ve most certainly heard what they’ve had to say about having a husband or boyfriend who has acted like a childish ass about it.  I am, myself, bisexual and have been for over a half a century so, yeah, I know some stuff about this.  Let’s continue, shall we?

I do understand how you might be feeling to hear this from her just as I know what you might be thinking… because I had those very same thoughts and feelings; I know how hard it is to get your head around this and that first thought that she’s telling you this because you screwed up or something like that.  You might even think that she shouldn’t even be thinking about or feeling these things or because you’re in a relationship with her, well, such stuff shouldn’t ever come up… and I’m here today to tell you is that if that’s what you think and believe, um, well, what you think and believe doesn’t reflect certain realities, to be polite about it.  I know you’re gonna want to be all offended and upset and I’ll tell you that if you get all bent out of shape, you’re not helping her any and letting her know how pissed off you are – and how totally against such things you are – you just might be setting yourself up for some stuff that’s gonna be worse than her telling you that she’s bisexual.

No, I don’t mean she’s gonna go cheat on you… although that’s a possibility and I’m not going to lie to you about that.  What I’m talking about is by not listening to her or otherwise trying to make this about you or, damn, putting your foot down and forbidding her to even say anything about this, what you’re gonna find yourself dealing with is one very miserable woman because, first, your negative reaction tells her that you don’t give a damn about how she feels… about this and maybe anything else and you’ve now lost some very major Brownie points with her.  She might not go out of her way to make you regret your position on this but you can bet anything you care to that because now her mind is in a very bad place because of how badly you behaved, some stuff is going to change; some of it might be quite drastic, some might be subtle… but the tone of the relationship will change and not for the better.

You know the saying, “Happy wife, happy life?”  It’s a real thing just like it’s true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned and if you diss her about this or give her a whole lot of grief and even turn into a drama queen about it, well, you’re gonna find out some stuff that makes discovering her bisexuality pale in comparison.  I will also point out to you that if, at any time, you’ve told her that you’d do anything for her to make and keep her happy – but you’ve gone off the deep end over this, um, well, let’s say that her belief in what you say to her is going to be severely questioned and you’re gonna lose even more Brownie points.

Perhaps – and despite my warning not to do so – you’re thinking that she’s gonna cheat on you or, gasp, she’s been cheating all along?  Lemme tell you a little something about that:  Most bisexual women are not of a mind to cheat and it would again be in your best interest not to accuse her of any infidelity because some women are of a mind that if you accuse them of something they haven’t done, well, they just might get it in their head to make the accusation a reality… and you really don’t want her to even think about this one.  If she tells you that she would never cheat on you, do your best to believe what she says… but then there’s this:

What if she says she wants a girlfriend?  Oh, boy, huh?  Yeah, I know – all kinds of stuff is going through your mind about this one, huh?  The smart move is to ask her why she wants a girlfriend and, again, it would be in your best interest – and in the best interest of the relationship – to just sit there, stay calm, and just listen.  In a lot of situations like this that I know of, if nothing else, she wants and needs to share her thoughts and feelings with another woman who feels the same way.  Truthfully?  Yeah… maybe she wants the physical experience but, for the most part, women are more emotionally bisexual than anything else but, yeah, sure, why wouldn’t she be curious about the physical part?

Yeah… this is getting really real, ain’t it?  You’re probably feeling trapped between that rock and a hard place and this girlfriend thing goes against everything you’ve ever believed about being in a relationship, doesn’t it?  I’d ask you that while all of this stuff is bouncing around in your head and you’re thinking about getting rid of her and other uncool stuff, keep in mind that what she’s thinking and feeling still doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and if she says anything about wanting a girlfriend, for now, it’s something that’s on her mind – remember that a lot of women are emotionally bisexual and it’ll make her one happy camper to be able to relate with another bisexual woman.

You’re now thinking, “What if she wants to have sex with another woman?”  Good question… and the toughest one to be dealt with.  Do you do the man-thing and forbid her or do you give her your blessing to go ahead and check it out?  Lemme tell you what I did when my now ex-wife laid this one on me and, specifically, what she said to me!  Once she told me what she wanted and needed she made it clear that one way or another, she was gonna get what she needed, putting me in a very bad spot – and just like the one you’ve found yourself in, by the way.  I was totally against such a thing because, like you, I firmly believed in the sanctity of marriage and relationships but I also knew her and that what she said to me wasn’t an idle threat.  I had a tremendously big decision to make and it started with a few questions: Would it be better to know what’s she doing rather than be constantly worried, paranoid, whatever about what she might be doing any time she was out of my sight?  Importantly, did I love her as much as I’d said I did?  Did I really mean it in all those times I told her that I’d do anything for her if it would make her happy except some stuff that might land me in a prison cell?

I thought about our very long relationship; if I forbid it, what will it do to the relationship?  Was I ready to throw everything we’ve been through together away?  Didn’t I promise and swear before God that I’d stick with her for better or worse?  Yeah, we both promised and swore to not let any sundering happen and keep only unto ourselves – and, by the way, in case you weren’t aware of this, unmarried couples follow these same rules and guidelines – but this is a really bad situation because she wants and needs something that I’m not equipped to provide for her since, you know, I’m not female.  Being a bisexual, I knew exactly what she was feeling and why and I put myself in her place and thought about how I’d feel if I said I wanted and needed a boyfriend and she lost her mind over that.  I’d definitely not be happy and, knowing myself, I’d find every way I could to let her know just how unhappy I was about it… so, yeah, I didn’t have to guess about any of that.  So I asked her a question:

“What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this?”  She told me that, yes, she wanted a girlfriend so she could be with someone who would understand her thoughts and feelings because they have the same thoughts and feelings.  She said that, yes, she needed to find out if having the sex was really what she needed – while making it clear that the sex we had was fine and dandy but, I’m not a woman.  She also made it clear that she had no plans to leave me and our family for another woman; she said,”I just want and need those things that only another woman can give me; I know that I will be a better person, a better wife and mother just like I know that if I can’t do this, it’s going to drive me crazy and it’ll make me do something I know I’m going to regret… but I meant what I said – I have to do this and I’m going to do it with or without your permission or blessing.”

Damn.  The last question I asked myself was do I want to live with someone who’s going to always be as miserable as anyone can get and then experience all that misery because of something I believed in?  I’d been aware that something was going on with her; I realized that I’d been getting a taste of what it’s like to live with her being a miserable puppy – and I didn’t like one moment of  it.  The biggest question I asked myself – again – was did I love and trust her as much as I felt and said I did?

So I said, “Okay… but we’re gonna need some rules.”  Yes, she did make it clear that if she was allowed to pursue her thoughts and feelings, I should be allowed to do the same thing if I wanted to – that was another big decision I had to make.

I’ve told you all of this to let you know that instead of our relationship going down the drain, things did get better for her and myself… because she was very damned happy to be able to be the woman she had to be.  Should you do what I felt had to be done?

That’s on you and it’s not an easy decision to make.  It’s not easy to hear your woman telling you that she has these thoughts and feelings but I will say to every one of you guys is that if you love her and got to have her in your life, you might want to consider giving her your blessing if she wants to do some exploring.  Otherwise, just listen to her and do your level best to have her back and as you’ve promised to do while also doing your best to understand her thoughts and feelings even if having them yourself ain’t a possibility.

This is about her.  It’s about her thoughts and feelings about this and if nothing else, I say again that if you love her, you will give it your all to listen to her and understand why she feels the way she does.  If she needs to do something about it, well, that’s another thing and I’m not gonna tell you that thinking about this aspect is going to be easy for you.  Which is why, if this is what she needs to do, ask her what I asked my wife:  What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this – and with great emphasis on the word “we” – I cannot begin to tell you how important this is.  If she says what’s good for the gander – her – is good for the goose – you – okay, that’s fair… but if you’re of a mind not to go along with suddenly having this freedom, no, you don’t have to take advantage of it.  If anything – and if you decline that freedom – now it’s about supporting her, continuing to love her and by doing so, confirming to her that all that stuff you said about loving her, making her happy, and keeping her happy was the truth and nothing but the truth.

You just might find yourself living and loving the happiest woman on the planet for just listening to her and not kicking her ass about her thoughts and feelings.  If you say that she can explore, she’s gonna love you even more and it’ll show in everything she does going forward – and I do mean everything; if you thought having sex with her was off the hook, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  In any of this, the most important thing you can do, once the cat is out of the bag and no matter what she may want to do – or not – keep listening to her and by all means, just keep talking to her period.   Most guys make a decision one way or the other and the biggest mistake they make is they stop talking to her about it and nothing will destroy a relationship faster than not communicating with each other.

Fellows, this situation is going to test how grown up you really are and that’s no joke.  Historically and as I’ve observed, most guys will give their newly discovered bisexual woman a raft of shit about it and go off on her about how things ain’t supposed to be like this and that she should never, ever, need anyone but you and in all things… and I’m going to leave you with something to think about and I’ll apologize for how I say it.

If she wants and needs another woman for that unique emotionality women have, you’re not a woman.  If she wants pussy, you sure as hell don’t have one.  If you think that throwing more dick at her is gonna make this go away, I can assure you that it won’t – not that she won’t appreciate having more sex with you, mind you, but you still can’t give her what she needs in order to, one, be happy and, two – and the most important thing to her – be the woman she needs to be; she knows that she will be a better person and, after all, didn’t you promise or otherwise swear that you’d have her back in anything she wanted to do and provide her with that which she may need?

And if you don’t, what does that say about you?  Even better, what do you think any negativity coming from you is going to make her feel about you?  I can tell you that:  She’s gonna think that you don’t really love her, that you don’t care about what she’s thinking and feeling, and that all you care about is yourself more than you care about her.  She’s gonna think that you didn’t mean anything you said about having her back and no matter what it is she wants to do.

You’re just not the man or person she thought you were… and that, fellas, isn’t a good thing.  I know most guys are of a mind to kill the relationship over this… and more so when, outside of this thing coming up, the relationship has been all that and a bag of chips.  I’ve seen them kick their woman to the curb and regret doing it because they let a good love get away from them when it was in their power to make sure it wouldn’t go anywhere.

But you don’t have to believe anything I’ve said to you here; but I think it would be good for you and your relationship with her if you did and more so if you’re worried about her maybe cheating on you.  You can prevent this… and all you have to do is listen and understand and by all means, get your head out of the gutter!  Don’t let any fears or prejudices you might have stop you from listening to her and if she proposes anything else, keep listening and asking questions with your mind as open as you can manage.

It’s not about you so don’t make it about you – it will send the wrong messages to her.  It’s okay for you to tell her that you don’t believe in this stuff… but it’s not about what you believe even though she needs to know this because it is important to her.

All you really have to do – and should do – is listen and do your best to understand what she’s telling you; every- and anything else is negotiable and chances are she doesn’t want to do anything about this:   She just wants and needs you to listen and understand what’s going on with her and it’s not gonna cost you anything to listen and understand.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

How Do I Find…?

Okay, I wrote something about this on my own blog and to keep from having to retype it or fuss with this new editor and trying to copy it all, I’ll just give you the link to the blog I just published for some food for thought:

If you have questions or comments, well, just use the comment box and I’ll do my best to answer them or I’ll be happy just to “talk” to you about it, okay?


KDaddy23, Contributing Author