A Message for Bi Women from a Bi Guy

What do men know about bisexual women?  Apparently, not a whole lot other than the few myths and stereotypes a lot of us have heard and, to me, the most annoying one that says some women fake being bisexual in order to get a man.  However, since I grew up being bisexual, I think I have a better picture of those mythical women who likes men and women, those “unicorns” that everyone is sure exists but no one really ever sees.

There’s a general consensus that says a woman who goes both ways is just being a woman – nothing unusual going on, nothing to see; it’s just a thing girls do because they have needs that men are often incapable of dealing with like their need for deep, meaningful emotional connections:  There’s a reason why it’s said that only a woman knows what a woman needs and it was true when I first heard this way back in the late 1960s and it remains true today.  It’s not like there aren’t men who haven’t heard this but there are few men who are of a mind to take this to heart and allow their woman to have the things she needs that his maleness isn’t going to do a damned thing about.

I tell a lot of guys that there is much to learn from bisexual women… if we can pay more attention to how they interact with each other than we do fantasizing about them having sex.  I’ll even tell guys that you haven’t lived until you see two women making love to each other and, yes, it’s exciting as anything I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some stuff) but what you can learn from them is so very valuable that if guys got a chance to see it for real, they should take notes… and lots of notes.

I get it but that’s because I’m bisexual, too.  I know the joys of it as well as all of those pain in the ass things that wants to steal that joy.  One of those PITA things is being mislabeled; with guys, people hear “bisexual” and think “gay” and for women, they hear this word and think not only “lesbian” but “man-hating lesbian” as well… and that’s so far from the truth.  I know a lot of bisexual women wind up with a guy who, at least by his words alone, want to believe that a man is all a woman is ever going to need and those very narrow-minded men makes being bisexual for women such a great burden but, eh, don’t feel bad:  Bi guys run into women who think that (pardon me) pussy is all they should ever want and need and that there’s no good reason for a guy to want another guy.

And it’s this kind of thinking that makes being bisexual difficult for all of us who are bisexual.  Not what we think – what others think… and we know that what they think is wrong, incorrect, and sorely outdated.  These days, I see a lot of stuff written about bisexuality and I wonder where these people are getting their information from; I see other bisexuals writing things that also makes me wonder the source of their information which is sketchy at best but, usually, reflects a very narrow point of view and as expressed by those who write about bisexuality… but have no personal experience or, if they did, they can’t say anything good about it.

It a thing that makes me say, “If you wanna know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!”  The problem we all face is that once someone makes up their mind in a negative way about bisexuality, there’s not much we can do to change their minds, even when we can get them to admit that what they think isn’t what’s really going on.  When it comes to relationships, jeez, men have the same problems that women do; we find ourselves “trapped” with someone who is more of a mind to stick to the rules of monogamy than they are interested in doing whatever has to be done to make us happy and keep us with them.  If a guy is worried about his lady cheating on him, well, it’s for good reason… and it’s not her fault that she’s had to resort to this in order to take care of her needs and, importantly, be very much okay with herself.

To that end, I tell guys that if your woman needs a woman, be a man and let her go get what she needs or suffer some consequences that makes infidelity look tame by comparison:  It is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Now, some women get… offended if their guy say, “Sure, baby, you can do that… as long as I can watch!” and to those ladies, I say to you don’t be offended if he wants to watch or, gasp, join in the fun:  This is like the holy grail of things sexual for a lot of men, something only seen in our dreams and all that horrible girl-on-girl porn but I also say to you that if he wants to watch, you can, if you’re of a mind to, use that against him so that you can have a woman and handle your business with her.

Think about that one for a moment.  Among bisexual men, we often go about the business of being bisexual “by any means necessary” – but we’re like that almost by nature and, indeed, something a lot of women can’t stand about us.  It’s just that I sometimes think Steve Harvey said it right when he suggested that women think like men in these things:  What are you willing to do to be the woman you want and need to be?  Sadly, the thing I see among bisexual women is… not a whole lot and because there’s a lot of fear going on, too much of a chance for loss and other undesirable things that, just like bi guys, will make a woman remain silent about her desire to be with other women like herself.

I mentioned to a female blogger I follow that I am aware of two periods of time where women demanded to be empowered; the first was during the Women’s Liberation movement where a lot of women burned their bras… and the significance of this act was misinterpreted; people thought that women were totally rejecting – and hating – men in favor of being lesbians.  I don’t know why this got all turned around and more so when the movement also included lesbians who were standing up for their right to be women and in all that this meant.  We’re seeing a second “Women’s Liberation” kind of movement where, instead of being granted power to be the woman they want and need to be, um, women are being like men and just taking the power and empowering themselves and if there are men who don’t like it, well, that guy can almost easily be replaced with someone who will like it.

And, yes, some women are using their “pussy power” to pave the way to their notion of being empowered and, at the risk of losing my man card, when women flex their muscles in this way, it makes us very afraid.  The whole point is that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself and the things you need to make you feel whole, no one else is going to do it for you and perhaps you’ve noticed it but it’s something that a lot of men are doing; they are empowering themselves to take care of their need for other guys because the system and its rules do not allow us to do this… but those same rules oddly give women a pass because, again, it’s just a thing that girls do.

I like to say to folks that if you think girls have pajama parties and all they do is talk about boys and gossip, you are sadly mistaken.  My own daughter went to a lot of pajama parties and had sleepovers with her female friends… and I know for a fact that if they were talking, it wasn’t using their voices, if you know what I mean – and I think you do.  Even if you never experienced this and in that experimental way that we – society – frowns on but are aware that happens, well, you’re feeling it now, aren’t you?  And that’s a good thing and you’re not alone because a lot of guys discover bisexuality late in their lives, too… and they have problems dealing with it and usually because they’re trying to deal with such a complex thing all by themselves.

Which is why this site/blog exists so that, for one, you know that you’re not as alone as you think and that there are other women to reach out to so that dealing with your bisexuality won’t be so lonely and daunting.  All that stuff you might hear about bisexuality in women?  Be aware of it… but a lot of it can be ignored because you are the one who determines how you’re going to be bisexual and no one else can define that for you.  I tell guys that before they concern themselves with doing, the first thing they have to do is be okay with themselves in being bisexual and that includes feelings.  By comparison, doing is easy; getting comfortable with this isn’t.  Yes, I know – many of you are looking for a girlfriend and just like I tell the fellas, in order to find someone, you must look for them – your future girlfriend isn’t just going to drop into your lap and out of the blue.  Do you have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality?  Hell, no.  You never should need anyone to validate you and if you can’t validate yourself, yeah, that’s a problem.  You don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself although, um, yeah, sure – that works.

Here’s the thing and something that, again, might get me stripped of my man card:  Most guys don’t care if their woman has female friends and that’s something y’all can take advantage of.  Yeah, sounds shady and all that but I’m the bi guy who’ll tell you that a lot of women have that close friend that they’re really close to… and their man might suspect how close they are… but what you suspect is one thing… and what can be proven is something else.  Sometimes, it’s not really about getting naked and sweaty – it’s all about being close to someone who thinks and feels the same way you do and the intimacy of this.

And I wonder, since I kinda understand this about women, why there are so many women who can’t seem to find that one lady they can be close to like that.  I know y’all are… kinda weird about the sex thing but sex isn’t the only form of intimacy that you need as a woman… and an intimacy that, again, very few men are capable of even being close enough for government work.  How do you find such a woman?  Look for her and, ha, you might already know her but, yeah, some women are funny about sharing things with other women and, I think, forgetting that by unspoken rules, women are allowed to be emotional with each other and men, being the idiots we can be, expect this even if it scares the doo-doo out of us.

I spent a large part of my life with a bisexual woman and between her and the other bi gals I know, I got such an education and one I’m glad I received and I’m talking about being with her for well over 30 years so, yeah, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the things that makes a woman happy in this and what makes her as miserable as a wet hen.  I would even tell her that if she wasn’t going to go get what she wanted – and she had permission to – I couldn’t do it for her although, um, yeah, I introduced her to a few women and now it was on her to make it work.  I saw that she made being bisexual harder than it had to be… and this is the same women who came to me one day and laid an ultimatum on me:  If you don’t give me permission to be with women, I’m gonna do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  So she got permission… and I went to school to better understand her and bisexuality in women.

So, yeah, I do get it and I wanted you all to know that I get it… and I’m not the only man who does.  And if homey doesn’t understand it, make him understand it.  I don’t mean beat him over the head but explain to him how you feel and why and how important this is to you and, yeah, things would be better if he had her back (and like he’s supposed to) than it would be for him to be stubborn, restrictive, and well just acting like an asshole and all because he’s putting his own beliefs ahead of that which would make you a better woman to and for him.  You have the power… and now the question is are you willing to use it?

Do you think it’s impossible?  I’m here to tell you that it isn’t impossible – just difficult but if you do not try, you cannot fail… and if you don’t fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  And since you and I have a lot in common, I’m biased in your favor which is why I’m here to give you all as much support as I can.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.