Spirit Day: Bullied Bisexual Youth My Personal Story

In honor of Spirit Day 2015 I’ve decided to share my own personal story of bullying because I was bisexual.

When I first began living my life under the label of bisexual I was 11 years old. I realized I liked boys and girls around age 6. When other little girls were liking boys, I was liking the girls, and boys. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend in elementary school. When adults asked us what did we mean by “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” we meant friends with gender attached like boy friend and girl friend.

We didn’t know about sexuality.

The three of us innocently held hands in and out of school. We kissed on the cheek when we said bye. Around this time none of the kids in school thought anything of it.

It was when parents of other kids in school and the neighborhood found out about the three of us the problems began.

Girls parents told them to stay away from me, I was nasty and “fast”. It was on me because my family was relatively new to the neighborhood and my girl friend had never “done anything like this” before meeting me.

Not to mention my mother was obviously a Lesbian so she was to blame for my “acting out” (being bisexual).

The friends my “girl friend” and I had stopped hanging out with us. The whispers started in our neighborhood when we were outside playing. The girls would see us coming to the playground and run from us screaming things like: “Nasty, nasty, nasty!!!” or “Eeeeeew, my mom said stay away from her, she probably has a disease and I could catch it if she touches me. Let’s run!” and everyone would start screaming slurs while running away from us.

I’m not sure if it was because other people sparked our curiosity with telling us what we were doing was wrong and asking us did we touch each other this way and that way that made us curious or if it was our nature but at some point we realized what we were feeling wasn’t just friends, it was more.

He wanted to kiss me on the lips and I wanted him to too. He didn’t want to kiss her, he was my boy friend but I wouldn’t have minded. She was my girl friend and didn’t want to kiss him either. They weren’t boy friend and girl friend at all. They were cool, but not like me and him.  She wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss her, she wanted to kiss this other boy in school but was too shy to let him know.

So we did. Intermittently we kissed each other in private. Our hand holding was special now, it was different. Sometimes I held both of their hands, sometimes hers, sometimes his. Sometimes kissing made me feel funny in my special place, she said kissing made her special place feel funny too.

Once we realized it was more than just a friend thing we had going on, other people noticed it too. Again, especially the adults.

Over time we were ostracized by neighborhood kids, kids in school and then she had to stay away from me. We had to sneak around to see each other because the adults made their kids think we were freaks, nasty, disgusting kids who couldn’t play with other kids or we’d do bad things to them. Sexual things. 

His mom wasn’t happy with the truth or the rumors but so long as my girlfriend and I weren’t hanging out anymore then it was cool for him to still be my boyfriend. Everyone thought it was best for us to  hang out together more since she was gone.

Eventually they couldn’t keep her and I apart and her parents moved her away. I didn’t have another girlfriend until I was 11 almost 12. 

Back when I was in elementary school I “looked like” a little girl. My mom dressed me “appropriately” for a pretty little girl. Always in the cutest and latest  youth fashions. Then I got old enough to pick my own clothes and I wanted to look like my mother.

She didn’t wear girl clothes.

I mean, sometimes I did want to wear the pretty girl stuff but I really felt like a boy more than a girl on the inside most times so I figured why not? I did boy stuff and girl stuff. I liked dirt biking out in Cali and ballet in Ny (I was raised bi coastal). My cousins are all males and when I was in Cali we did boy stuff. When I was in NY just me and my little sister we did girl stuff…sometimes. We played football with mom, had GI Joes and Hot Rods with the whole shebang. We played with Hess trucks and built houses and towns with Lego’s. We also had makeup kits, baby dolls galore & played dress up like the Queen of England and had tea parties (my Grandmother is Canadian).

I told mom I wanted slacks, loafers, polos and pullovers like hers. I didn’t know what transgender meant until many years later. I don’t think mom did either. Back then either you were a “dyke/bulldagger” or a “butch” and considered Lesbian without thought to ask your actual sexuality if you wore masculine designed clothing and were female. Men who wore female clothes were called “cross dressers” or “drag queens” and were also considered to be homosexual by society without thought to ask.

All were considered “sexual deviants”.

Mom bought me whatever I wanted to wear, masculine/feminine, didn’t matter. Some days I wore a blend of both, other days I wore one or the other.

Somewhere around the 5th grade as they say today “shit got real”. The other kids in the school used to tease me saying things like my mother looked like a truck driver, she probably carried a hammer and nails, where was her tool belt?, was she my dad and my mom or just my mom? stuff like that.

This started in like the 4th grade. By 5th grade when I started wearing clothes like my mom, sometimes the same exact outfit that’s when the physical bullying started. 

Other kids, boys and girls would chase me in the school yard until they cornered me and beat me up during lunch.

Every day.

Every day I’d run home and tell mom what happened and every day she told me ignore them, they’re just jealous, they wish they were as pretty as me that’s why they’re mad, tell my teacher, tell the principal, tell the lunch lady, tell the yard monitor. She’s a very NON VIOLENT person and always tries to work things out through talking before any kind of physical altercation.

We did all that. Told the teacher, teacher tried to mediate, kids beat me up more for being a tattle tale. Told mom about that, mom met with the principal. I ended up having to literally jump the fence out of the school yard and hide when I went back to school. Mom kept me home from school some days to try to figure all of this out with teachers, parents, the principal.

At first they didn’t know why I was being bullied. I was a quiet kid with no friends, an obvious nerd and it made no sense why I was getting picked on so much. Kids lied. At first the school thought maybe it was my own fault because so many kids were involved, maybe I’d done something or kept doing something to them to make them want to beat me up.

I told mom why after a while. I didn’t want to tell her and hurt her feelings at first. She refused to let me be bullied because she was a “Lesbian” and I was too. That just wasn’t true.

She had a husband, my step father was ALWAYS there for school stuff. Despite the way my mother dressed she wasn’t a lesbian, she just dressed however she wished. They’d assumed wrong. My mother was actually bisexual (She’d probably kill me for writing that if she ever reads this, she’s a staunch “lesbian” & always has been if you ask her). 

My stepfather raised me from birth to age 12 by my mother’s side ALWAYS no matter how she dressed and we were a family. Mother, father and two daughters. Who they slept with was nobody’s business. How we dressed wasn’t either.

She didn’t make me into a sexual deviant, I just dressed the way I wanted to.

No matter what we did the bullying didn’t stop. The kids were viscous and beyond mean. They tortured me, gave me bad nerves, I hated going to school but used my isolation to excel academically…which made my problems worse. I was a lesbian nerd. Eventually I put a stop to the bullying my own way one day in the school  yard. I fought every single person who cornered me one day with a padlock wrapped around my fingers. I kicked ass and never again was I bullied. I made it be known I was going to be me and that was it.

In my teens I was out loud and proud, but not everyone was okay with that. Girls always had slick stuff to say when I was around. During those years I wore a masculine presentation and decided I was a Lesbian once I began to understand all this sexuality stuff around 13.

Bisexual was too dirty of a label to wear back then.

It was hard enough being a lesbian, being bisexual back then was being a bottom of the barrel sexual deviant back then. So you either chose straight or gay. Although gay was bad, bi was just plain nasty.

Even in the LGBT Community Bi was a bad word. There was pressure from homo and hetero society to choose one but you couldn’t be both. I loved women, a lot, so I must have been a Lesbian I thought.

Whenever I was seen with a guy I’d be teased by friends and the threat of social suicide was always imminent if I even looked at a guy any other way than my bro.

I didn’t go places like Harlem or The Bronx “dressed as a boy”  unless I was getting off the train going straight to a close destination. I’d been almost jumped by groups of girls, almost had my face slashed once and chased by groups of girls way too many times just because I dressed like a boy and that was in downtown Manhattan! I heard what happened to girls like me in Harlem and The Bronx. I was scared to be myself in those places. You could tell I wasn’t used to being feminine most times when I switched into “girl clothes”. It still “showed” I was “a dyke”.

Eventually over time LGBT people gained more and more freedom to walk the streets freely dressed as we wish and most of the bullying in my life stopped. By my late teens I began a spiritual journey and wore religious presentation which was feminine which was a whole ‘nother journey.

Since my early teens I’ve learned how to shut bullies down first hint of the b.s. and I’m serious about protecting others who may not be strong enough to do so while in my presence.

Nobody deserves to fight through their youth just because of who they are.

Have you ever been bullied because you’re bisexual? Have you witnessed or protected a bisexual bullied for being bi?

If so, share below!

 

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

National Coming Out Day 2015

Hey all!

Last year I wrote about Coming Out from the married woman’s perspective.

This year according to our stats LivingBi has had more views on Coming Out Day than usual. The world is changing, society is becoming more accepting and more and more people are Coming Out.

This year I’m write about Coming out from a HUMAN perspective.

I personally didn’t really have a coming out experience. My mother is a lesbian, always has been. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend when I was in elementary school and mom knew I liked them both in the same way. I told her I was bisexual around age 11, it was no surprise she was very supportive of course.

I’d known I liked boys and girls from about age 6 or 7- mom did too. It was just a formality to “Come Out”. I never hid it before saying something about it. I knew some folks thought it wasn’t okay, I was too young to understand why but mom never got mad at me because I liked both boys and girls in the same way. I was just me and that’s the way I was.

I did come out as Lesbian in my early teens but nobody believed me despite my appearance and lifestyle. I was bisexual trying to be a Lesbian and everyone saw right through it. I loved men still and always secretly kept one on the side. It was much easier to be with women if I projected my masculine side. I never had a problem with men.

Being a feminine bisexual didn’t work to well for me.

The stigma was too much. Either I had to appear lesbian or appear straight or deal with social crucifixion. 

Every single bisexual human being on this planet is different.

Each bisexual person’s sexual tastes, urges, desires and expression of their sexuality is different.

Each bisexual person’s morals, values and lifestyle choices are different.

None of us are exactly alike except in the matter of us all being bisexual.

Even bisexuality in and of itself comes in many forms and expressions just as humans do.

Not every bisexual cares to inform others of his/her/their sexual practices, others do.

The stigma of being bisexual is all encompassing with no gender lines, when one says they are bisexual the stigma is all the same. 

Many bisexuals don’t want to Come Out because they fear the stigma their friends, family, coworkers, etc will place upon them. They don’t want to answer questions about their personal lives and what kind of sex they have or don’t have.

I’ve never had a problem saying I’m bisexual but I’ve seen how hard it can be for some to say those three words:

“I am bisexual.” in front of others, around others or to others.

There seems to be so much risk, so much to loose by just admitting being bisexual for some people. I personally did not have those experiences.

My perspective has always been, who really looses, you or those who may loose good person in their lives due to ignorance and judgement if they don’t accept you because of your sexuality?

I ALWAYS STRONGLY URGE anyone considering Coming Out to really ponder how sharing your sexuality with others may affect your personal, professional and social relationships if at all. Will anything change?

There’s no real way to tell what someone’s reaction to those words, “I’m bisexual.” will be. Even if you know that person very well there just aren’t promised outcomes with anything in life.

I’ve seen hearts broken by someone’s friends/family and these people who Came Out just knew everyone would be supportive, but that wasn’t the case.

I’ve seen bonds built stronger through a devout homophobic accepting the bisexuality of a close friend/loved one and changing the way they think about things. You may rejoice, you may regret after sharing something so personal.

How will Coming Out affect your life as a whole if you tell the person or people you’re considering telling?

Think about those things before you say anything to whomever  you’re coming out to, and be ready for whatever comes after the words are said.

National Coming Out Day is a day to seize the opportunity, but don’t act hastily-act mindfully. This is your personal life. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to. You can share with whomever you feel safest.

Coming Out is all a VERY personal choice only you can make and a decision that should be well thought out.

Did you come out this year? If so, who did you tell and how did they react? How do you feel now that  you’ve come out?

I hope you all share your coming out stories with Us. Sharing your story just might help another reader who was once in your shoes!

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

All Things Being Unequal…

I was just reminded of something that’s rather important if you’re bisexual and in a relationship or you’re hooked up with a bisexual… and even if both of you are bisexual.  See, life, for the most part, is about balance or things being equal and more so when we’re talking about relationships.  There is a misconception that if you’re bisexual (or think you are, you know the rest), then you “obviously” like men and women equally, that your attractions are magically a 50-50 affair and, I’m guessing, because of the “bi” prefix.

And that’s so far from the truth it stopped being funny the first time someone assumed that bisexuals behave like this.  Yes, there are bisexuals who manage to have fully equal interest in men and women but that’s not how most bisexuals behave and, of course, the devil’s in the details.

If you’re wondering about your sexuality, trying to explain it to someone, or trying to get your head around the announced fact that your partner is bisexual, please do everyone a favor – don’t assume that this is a 50-50 thing and that if you feel such-and-such for a man, then you have to feel the exact and equal thing for a woman… and then stop thinking of bisexuality in terms of percentages altogether; it’ll save you from a lot of stress when trying to quantify something that’s not so easy to reduce to just mere numbers.

Bisexuality represents a fluid state in overall human sexuality, maybe in the middle of the road, maybe not and this can be seen with the legendary Kinsey scale which goes from zero to six with zero being totally heterosexual and six being totally homosexual.  So, yeah, it’s easy to assume that bisexuals “have” to be a three on the scale and just leave it at that, right?

No, not really.  I can tell you (if you didn’t know) that while I’m bisexual, I do happen to be attracted to women more than men… most of the time; I know that I don’t like men in the same way I like women and I don’t even like men for the same reason I like women – and that depends on where my thoughts and feelings are at any given moment and, yes, I do mean that literally.  It may sound that I’m all over the place about this but this serves to illustrate that you just can’t look at what a bisexual might do in order to “nail down” any sense of equality in this since a lot of being bisexual actually takes place inside one’s head.

All things being unequal, bisexuality isn’t about liking one more than the other; one of the arguments I’ve heard about this has been about the bisexual partner being asked about (or accused of) liking same-sex stuff more than opposite sex stuff; I’ve seen the bisexual in question appear to be totally confused while trying to respond to this and it’s assumed that they either don’t know… or the “accusation” is true when, in fact, even I have a hard time trying to quantify my bisexuality, not because I don’t know but simply because I just cannot ascribe a “number” to how I might be thinking and feeling at any given moment.

Which is why when people ask me if I like men or women more than the other, my answer usually is, “It depends.” When I’m asked if I like men or women – and the question is really asking if I’m really gay or I’m really straight and there’s some confusion going on here – my usual answer is, “Yes.”  If there is a balance here, some numbers game, it’s that I like men and women but if you wanna try to quantify this any further, well, pack breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few snacks; bring something for a headache, too, while you’re at it because trying to explain how unequal all of this is will take a long time.

If sexuality truly isn’t just “black and white” and bisexuality is in that gray area in between these two “extremes,” um, it might help to understand that bisexuality isn’t really as static as being straight or gay can be because, at any given moment, a bisexual guy could be all about other men… or all about women… or just sliding up and down the scale and all depending on what they’re feeling and thinking at any given moment.  I see people using the Kinsey scale to say they’re a two or a three and maybe even a four and I’m thinking that a lot of them establishing this “default” behavior is based on what they’d do about their thoughts and feeling and, in a way, that kinda makes sense because knowing where you are on the scale gives some inner stability and definition.

But, on the real, bisexuals are just as fluid in their thoughts and feelings as they are in their actions if/when the clothes come off and, as such, trying to ascribe some sense of equality can be a fruitless endeavor.  It’s this author’s opinion that because of this fluidity, it makes understanding bisexuality rather difficult for a lot of people so it’s easier for them to create a 50-50 stability point than it is to get their head around the complexities that live in a bisexual’s head from one moment to the next… and that, my friends, isn’t the way to understand or even pin down exactly what makes a bisexual tick.

You should try to understand that what makes us tick isn’t all about getting naked and freaky and more so since there are a lot of bisexuals who, in fact, have never had any of the sex that’s possible and for whatever reason that may apply to them.  If you understand that a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings are in a constant state of flux, trying to play the numbers game with sexuality is a terribly difficult thing to do – even for those who are comfortable with their bisexuality; I could tell you right now that I’m 95% for women, 5% for men and, mere seconds from now, be of a totally different – and unequal – frame of mind on the matter.

If I were to advise someone about how to examine bisexuality, I might suggest that one’s time and effort be directed more in the direction of understanding why they’re bisexual or how they’re bisexual if that’s applicable… but not assuming that there’s some implied equality going on with this; even if you’re bisexual, you’d probably make yourself insane trying to do this.  And, yes, if this all sounds horribly complicated, you’re right – it is and more so since a lot of what makes a bisexual the way they is intangible, meaning, there are no words (or anything else) than can describe or define things in this.

Your time would be better spent on accepting that you or your partner is bisexual, that they feel some kind of way about men and women and then going on about your relationship in the best way possible.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author, Overly Enthusiastic Bisexual, and Wearer of Other Hats

A Letter to My Wife

(This isn’t something I wrote to my wife – she knows I’m bi but if she didn’t…)

My darling:

There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you from the first moment we met even though I fondly remember how exciting it was that we could sit and talk to each other about a lot of private things… except the thing I’m about to tell you.  Before you get angry with me, I want you to know that I wanted to tell you so badly it still keeps me awake at night from time to time… but the reason why I’ve never said anything to you about this is because I was so afraid that you’d get so offended that you’d walk away from me and my heart just couldn’t take that anymore than it can take not telling you this:

I’m bisexual.

Just writing these two words takes so much pressure off of my heart and soul even though writing them also terrifies me because while you need to know the whole truth about the guy you married, my fear of losing you is so great that I can barely keep my hands from shaking.  I really didn’t want to shock you like this but even though I’ve had a few years to think about this, I couldn’t find a way to let you know this that wouldn’t be a shock to your sensibilities and, believe me, I am more than sorry for dropping this on you like a bomb or something; I should have told you on Day One… but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t.

My God, where do I really begin with this?  I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was 15 and it was with my best friend, Allen – you remember me telling you about him, don’t you?  Anyway, I was spending the night with him and we were just messing around and wrestling with each other in our underwear and, well, jeez, this is difficult, it didn’t take long for us to get all hot and sweaty… and horny.  At one point, Allen yanked my underwear down and was trying to get them off me so I had to return the favor; that just made us even hotter and sweatier and, yeah, hornier as we rolled all over the place fighting to keep our underwear while trying to take the other guy’s off.  I had gotten Allen’s underwear off and holding them up like a trophy and gloating triumphantly; he reached for them and I moved… but his hand landed on my crotch… and things got crazy after that.

I’m not going to freak you out with the details but Allen and I had sex.  At first, I felt so weird but, at the same time, it felt good… and it just felt like the right thing to do even though I had a girlfriend I had been having sex with.  Allen was the first of many guys I wound up having sex with and, yes, until we met, I was still having sex with guys from time to time and before you ask, yes, I was doing it safely.  If you remember, the day we had sex for the first time, I couldn’t wait to show you the results of my lab work, something that you demanded from me before even thinking about having sex with me.

I remember our first time as if it happened yesterday but the important thing you need to know about this is that when I met you, I gave up having sex with guys.  Maybe you won’t believe me but I swear upon all that’s holy that the only person I’ve had sex with since we’ve been together is you and only you.  I guess I can confess that quite a few guys have hit on me for sex, just as I can confess that there were a few times when I was very tempted to have sex with them… but I resisted because I didn’t want to risk ruining our marriage.  I mention this because I think you need to know that even though I gave up sex with men, that didn’t mean that I’ve never thought about it.

If you think that it’s hard for me to admit all of this to you, it was even harder for me to admit it to myself for the longest time.  I knew I wasn’t gay or anything like that but, yeah, I had to admit that I very much enjoyed having sex with guys and just as much as I did with the girls I dated before we met.

I wanted to tell you – I needed to tell you but I wasn’t sure that I could and more so when I’ve often heard you say some pretty crappy things about homosexuals over the years and I just couldn’t keep myself from thinking that if you had such angst against anyone who wasn’t straight, how you would have reacted to this news about me would have been much worst.  I can guess that you’re feeling as if I’ve betrayed you, that by withholding this part of my life, I’m the worst liar who was ever born… but I need you to understand that I wasn’t holding this back in order to deceive you in any way:  I was – and I still am – so very much afraid of losing the woman I love with all my heart and soul; this one thing has terrified and bothered me more than what people have been saying about homosexuals and bisexuals and how we’re just the worst kind of people in the world today.

I’ve never cheated on you and I never will; you know that I’ve never been sick a day in my life, well, other than that time we did it in the park and found out we were lying in poison ivy – you remember that day, don’t you?  You need to know that none of what I did in the past has anything to do with my ability – my desire and need – to remain committed to you and our marriage and, God willing, any children we may have… provided this letter doesn’t upset you so much that you decide to leave me forever… and I’ve prayed that you won’t do that.

And, yes, you also need to know that I still very much love making love to you and there’s no way in hell I’d ever trade being able to do this with you for anything or anyone in the world.

All I can do now is hope that you understand and that you can accept all of this.  Honey, I love you – I have always loved you and will never stop loving you… but I also understand that reading this could very well change the way you feel about me but, yeah, you needed to know this and, yes, I should have told you before now and I’m hoping that maybe you’ll also understand how afraid I was.

I don’t know what else to say right now; it’s my hope that after you read this, we can sit down and talk about all of this and, before I forget, I decided to write this instead of telling you in person because it was easier for me to write all of this down; if we were talking face to face, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been able to put the words together to explain all of this without sounding like a complete idiot.

I’m not a freak or some kind of deviant degenerate; I am who I’ve always been and, importantly, I am the guy you fell in love with and the one who loves you madly, now and forever.  Maybe you’re thinking that I’m different but at the risk of adding more fuel to the fire, the only thing that’s different is that you know something about me that you didn’t know before – I just hope this doesn’t destroy our love and our marriage.

I’ll see you when I get home, okay, and, yeah, I’ll be praying all day that you’ll be there when I get there.

Love always,

Me

 

A BiWife on Prime Time TV!!!

Wow, that was amazingly refreshing.

Maybe I’m making too much of it but I don’t think so.

Tonight’s episode of How to Get Away With Murder, a Shonda Rhimes production, was the most accurate and beautiful portrayal of woman to woman love I’ve seen on prime time television in my history of being alive.

Now, in full disclosure I don’t watch much t.v, I’m always online reading or writing. What I do see when I watch t.v is not bisexual married women but varying LGBT perspectives that are usually gay men.

We all know bisexuality in women is more “acceptable” in main stream society as it is considered male entertainment BUT bisexual married women aren’t really talked about. Married women aren’t expected to be bisexual.

Must be straight or lesbian to be a married woman right?

In tonight’s episode Annalise (Viola Davis) who is the star of the show was revisited by her old college girlfriend Eve  (Famke Janssen). The woman she’d loved and been in a relationship with before meeting her husband.

Annalise decided to leave her girlfriend while they were still in college for the man that became her husband and never looked back, leaving her love behind without warning, or closure.

The pain of the way the relationship ended left scars on Eve that lasted 10 years, until they met again after Annalise’s husband died.

From the moment Eve and Annalise saw each other the writers created the “sense” that they were something more than friends. I spotted it right away, they’d had something serious in the past.

As the story unfolded the agony and bittersweet sweetness of their love showed through terse conversations before clarity came into focus as the minutes ticked by.

Eve was a lesbian, she dated many women after Annalise but could never let go of her college love in her heart. Annalise put Eve and her bisexuality to the back of her mind and moved forward with her life as if her love for women and bisexuality didn’t exist (as far as we know).

The moment they looked each other in the eyes during a private moment away from others there was no question their love was still alive and well, hibernating all these years.

They kissed each other and the passion of two women who loved each other for years poured through each scripted second. Both actresses so accurately conveyed the intensity and depth of love between two women in each intimate scene.

I was so impressed by the accuracy of the portrayal of what life is for so many bisexual women.

The subtle and overt points made were so accurate and astounding.

Kudos to the producers, writers and actresses who told Our story so clearly.

Did you see tonight’s episode? What did you think? How did you feel as you saw the two women indulge in their love for each other after so long?

I’d love to hear from others what you guys felt and thought.

-Jay Dee, Founder

A recap from AfterEllen.com with images from tonight’s show

A Top Searches Moment

Hi, gang!  I thought I’d share something I like to do on my own blog at times, i.e., see what that “Top Searches” thingy has to say and if it’s interesting, write something about it that’s relevant… or just give out a piece of my mind about it.  So this is what I saw here, just seconds ago:  “my wife is bisexual, bisexual wife, bi wives, “my wife” ” lesbian” affair threesome” and here’s my thoughts about this search criteria.

To find or know that your wife is bisexual can either be one hell of a thrill or one of the scariest things imaginable as it represents a major threat to the relationship.  I laughed at the “affair threesome” part because one of the reasons a bisexual wife won’t tell her husband that she’s bisexual is because the last thing she wants to do is have to listen to him howling at the moon over the prospect of a salacious threesome.  She may also invoke the Fifth Amendment because she doesn’t want to face accusations of having an affair when the truth is she’s been totally faithful.

Men and women make such a big deal about being bisexual and, being a broken record and all that, it really isn’t; what can be a big deal is any actions on those bisexual thoughts and feelings.  I love the fact that my wife, Linda, is bisexual, not because I have visions of hot, sensual threesomes because, trust me, I’ve done that more times than I care to imagine but because we have something else in common with each other.  I don’t worry about her sneaking off to have an affair with some woman who has caught her attention because she’s free to do whatever she might want to do in this (not that she really needed my permission but it always sounds good to give it) and I certainly don’t worry myself about losing her to someone else because I learned a long time ago that when you’re in any kind of relationship, the possibility of losing your partner to someone else is merely an occupational hazard and, bluntly, nothing lasts forever.

I know guys who will just lose their minds to find out their woman is bisexual; they see it as a direct insult to their masculinity which, by the way, isn’t really all that different from the way I’ve seen some women ask when they find out their man likes hot dogs and buns and, trust me, I do know that none of this is what anyone would call nice; there are just some folks who don’t understand that if one is bisexual, it doesn’t have anything to do with their partner’s love and desire for them – it’s just the way they are.  Yes, it’s true that sometimes a partner will make the conditions of the relationship so difficult and unbearable that taking a trip to the other side of the fence is, for them, warranted; the non-PC version is that if one’s partner ain’t handling the business like they’re supposed to, well, someone has to.

When it comes to this, I’ve found that people tend to think more about the bad stuff connected with bisexuality or, uh, unintelligently (to be all PC), insist that their partner can’t and shouldn’t even think about being bisexual because, of course, they’re supposed to be all that they should ever need… and that’s never been the truth of things.  I looked at those search items and, for a long moment, I felt kinda sad because there are just so many people who find it hard to understand what a bisexual is about; they can’t seem to grasp that bisexuality isn’t always about doing stuff – it’s a state of mind.  Sometimes, I think people who search using these terms are looking for answers to some of these questions:  “Why is my wife bisexual?” or “I think my wife is bisexual – what do I do about it?” and, yeah, they’re looking for answers here on the Internet because, perhaps, the wife is hesitant to provide answers and clarity… or they flat out refuse to do this and out of fear of reprisal and rejection… or it’s also possible that the reason why they can’t answer these kinds of questions is because they don’t know the answers.

When it comes to bisexuality – and it doesn’t matter if it’s the wife or the husband (or both of them) who is bisexual – all too often, the subject is approached with a great deal of animosity and fear.  When we’re in a relationship, we live with a lot of fears and the biggest of all, in my opinion, is loss – any kind of loss.  That there are husbands who would accept and embrace his wife’s bisexuality is a good thing because they understand that this is just the way she is and instead of climbing in her case about anything she may have done about this in the past, he’s got the insight to ask her, “So, babe, is there anything you wanna do about this?”

Maybe there is something she wants to do about it… but maybe she’s quite content to do nothing at all about her sexuality; she’s not only quite happy with him but it’s not in her makeup to be unfaithful to her husband by doing something about it.  I know there are husbands who would lambaste their wives for having bisexual thoughts and feelings and, well, that’s just plain stupid, to be blunt.  They assume that she’s gonna sneak out on the DL for some pie, that she has no sexual interest in him at all, and since this stuff is running around in their heads, they threaten the bi wife to give up all of those perverted thoughts – or else.  The implied threats, sadly, are quite clear but for those guys who think like this, I gotta tell you that you didn’t solve a “problem” – you just created a bigger one.

She’s either going to resent you for the rest of your days… or you’re going to wind up pushing her into the arms of someone else or into a woman’s bed, to be real about it.  As I read the search items, I asked myself a question that I’ve actually asked a lot of times:  “You say you love her, that you would do anything for her… but if you’re pitching a bitch about her sexuality, do you really love her as much as you say you do?  Did you, in fact, tell a bald-faced lie when you said that you’d do anything to make her happy… but you’re having a hissy fit because your cock isn’t the only thing she feels she needs for her complete happiness?”

Having a bisexual wife isn’t a bad thing and we – husbands – should learn to stop looking at her sexuality as a bad thing.  Yeah, some of us should also learn to not think of her sexuality as being the gateway to some really exotic sexual encounters; such things tend to freak out most women, bisexual or not.  As is usual with me and these Top Searches things, I wonder exactly why the person or persons were searching for this; what’s their motivation for searching for this?  I’ve asked these things and, to date, I’ve never had a searcher respond to my inquiries… but I do kinda thank them for giving me some food for these thoughts just the same.

When it comes to having a bisexual wife, as husbands, we shouldn’t let our fears make us foolish; we should learn to understand that just because we might not be feeling her sexuality doesn’t mean that she’s not feeling it or that she shouldn’t feel it.  Yes, she’s our wife and all that implies… but we should strive to remember that she was always her own person and just because she married us, it doesn’t mean that she stopped being her own person with her own desires and needs.

And, really, if you do love her like you say you do, why can’t you accept this thing about her because, duh, it is a part of who she is; she was either bisexual before you met or, yeah, her bisexuality could have “come out of hiding” after you met and married – it does happen, you know, even if you don’t believe that.  If you do accept and embrace your wife’s sexuality, you get major Brownie points from me, hands down.

Oh, and ladies?  These same things apply to you should you find that your husband is bisexual, in case you were wondering…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author, Enthusiastic Bi Guy, and Wearer of Other Hats