(This isn’t something I wrote to my wife – she knows I’m bi but if she didn’t…)
There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you from the first moment we met even though I fondly remember how exciting it was that we could sit and talk to each other about a lot of private things… except the thing I’m about to tell you. Before you get angry with me, I want you to know that I wanted to tell you so badly it still keeps me awake at night from time to time… but the reason why I’ve never said anything to you about this is because I was so afraid that you’d get so offended that you’d walk away from me and my heart just couldn’t take that anymore than it can take not telling you this:
Just writing these two words takes so much pressure off of my heart and soul even though writing them also terrifies me because while you need to know the whole truth about the guy you married, my fear of losing you is so great that I can barely keep my hands from shaking. I really didn’t want to shock you like this but even though I’ve had a few years to think about this, I couldn’t find a way to let you know this that wouldn’t be a shock to your sensibilities and, believe me, I am more than sorry for dropping this on you like a bomb or something; I should have told you on Day One… but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t.
My God, where do I really begin with this? I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was 15 and it was with my best friend, Allen – you remember me telling you about him, don’t you? Anyway, I was spending the night with him and we were just messing around and wrestling with each other in our underwear and, well, jeez, this is difficult, it didn’t take long for us to get all hot and sweaty… and horny. At one point, Allen yanked my underwear down and was trying to get them off me so I had to return the favor; that just made us even hotter and sweatier and, yeah, hornier as we rolled all over the place fighting to keep our underwear while trying to take the other guy’s off. I had gotten Allen’s underwear off and holding them up like a trophy and gloating triumphantly; he reached for them and I moved… but his hand landed on my crotch… and things got crazy after that.
I’m not going to freak you out with the details but Allen and I had sex. At first, I felt so weird but, at the same time, it felt good… and it just felt like the right thing to do even though I had a girlfriend I had been having sex with. Allen was the first of many guys I wound up having sex with and, yes, until we met, I was still having sex with guys from time to time and before you ask, yes, I was doing it safely. If you remember, the day we had sex for the first time, I couldn’t wait to show you the results of my lab work, something that you demanded from me before even thinking about having sex with me.
I remember our first time as if it happened yesterday but the important thing you need to know about this is that when I met you, I gave up having sex with guys. Maybe you won’t believe me but I swear upon all that’s holy that the only person I’ve had sex with since we’ve been together is you and only you. I guess I can confess that quite a few guys have hit on me for sex, just as I can confess that there were a few times when I was very tempted to have sex with them… but I resisted because I didn’t want to risk ruining our marriage. I mention this because I think you need to know that even though I gave up sex with men, that didn’t mean that I’ve never thought about it.
If you think that it’s hard for me to admit all of this to you, it was even harder for me to admit it to myself for the longest time. I knew I wasn’t gay or anything like that but, yeah, I had to admit that I very much enjoyed having sex with guys and just as much as I did with the girls I dated before we met.
I wanted to tell you – I needed to tell you but I wasn’t sure that I could and more so when I’ve often heard you say some pretty crappy things about homosexuals over the years and I just couldn’t keep myself from thinking that if you had such angst against anyone who wasn’t straight, how you would have reacted to this news about me would have been much worst. I can guess that you’re feeling as if I’ve betrayed you, that by withholding this part of my life, I’m the worst liar who was ever born… but I need you to understand that I wasn’t holding this back in order to deceive you in any way: I was – and I still am – so very much afraid of losing the woman I love with all my heart and soul; this one thing has terrified and bothered me more than what people have been saying about homosexuals and bisexuals and how we’re just the worst kind of people in the world today.
I’ve never cheated on you and I never will; you know that I’ve never been sick a day in my life, well, other than that time we did it in the park and found out we were lying in poison ivy – you remember that day, don’t you? You need to know that none of what I did in the past has anything to do with my ability – my desire and need – to remain committed to you and our marriage and, God willing, any children we may have… provided this letter doesn’t upset you so much that you decide to leave me forever… and I’ve prayed that you won’t do that.
And, yes, you also need to know that I still very much love making love to you and there’s no way in hell I’d ever trade being able to do this with you for anything or anyone in the world.
All I can do now is hope that you understand and that you can accept all of this. Honey, I love you – I have always loved you and will never stop loving you… but I also understand that reading this could very well change the way you feel about me but, yeah, you needed to know this and, yes, I should have told you before now and I’m hoping that maybe you’ll also understand how afraid I was.
I don’t know what else to say right now; it’s my hope that after you read this, we can sit down and talk about all of this and, before I forget, I decided to write this instead of telling you in person because it was easier for me to write all of this down; if we were talking face to face, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been able to put the words together to explain all of this without sounding like a complete idiot.
I’m not a freak or some kind of deviant degenerate; I am who I’ve always been and, importantly, I am the guy you fell in love with and the one who loves you madly, now and forever. Maybe you’re thinking that I’m different but at the risk of adding more fuel to the fire, the only thing that’s different is that you know something about me that you didn’t know before – I just hope this doesn’t destroy our love and our marriage.
I’ll see you when I get home, okay, and, yeah, I’ll be praying all day that you’ll be there when I get there.