I was just reminded of something that’s rather important if you’re bisexual and in a relationship or you’re hooked up with a bisexual… and even if both of you are bisexual. See, life, for the most part, is about balance or things being equal and more so when we’re talking about relationships. There is a misconception that if you’re bisexual (or think you are, you know the rest), then you “obviously” like men and women equally, that your attractions are magically a 50-50 affair and, I’m guessing, because of the “bi” prefix.
And that’s so far from the truth it stopped being funny the first time someone assumed that bisexuals behave like this. Yes, there are bisexuals who manage to have fully equal interest in men and women but that’s not how most bisexuals behave and, of course, the devil’s in the details.
If you’re wondering about your sexuality, trying to explain it to someone, or trying to get your head around the announced fact that your partner is bisexual, please do everyone a favor – don’t assume that this is a 50-50 thing and that if you feel such-and-such for a man, then you have to feel the exact and equal thing for a woman… and then stop thinking of bisexuality in terms of percentages altogether; it’ll save you from a lot of stress when trying to quantify something that’s not so easy to reduce to just mere numbers.
Bisexuality represents a fluid state in overall human sexuality, maybe in the middle of the road, maybe not and this can be seen with the legendary Kinsey scale which goes from zero to six with zero being totally heterosexual and six being totally homosexual. So, yeah, it’s easy to assume that bisexuals “have” to be a three on the scale and just leave it at that, right?
No, not really. I can tell you (if you didn’t know) that while I’m bisexual, I do happen to be attracted to women more than men… most of the time; I know that I don’t like men in the same way I like women and I don’t even like men for the same reason I like women – and that depends on where my thoughts and feelings are at any given moment and, yes, I do mean that literally. It may sound that I’m all over the place about this but this serves to illustrate that you just can’t look at what a bisexual might do in order to “nail down” any sense of equality in this since a lot of being bisexual actually takes place inside one’s head.
All things being unequal, bisexuality isn’t about liking one more than the other; one of the arguments I’ve heard about this has been about the bisexual partner being asked about (or accused of) liking same-sex stuff more than opposite sex stuff; I’ve seen the bisexual in question appear to be totally confused while trying to respond to this and it’s assumed that they either don’t know… or the “accusation” is true when, in fact, even I have a hard time trying to quantify my bisexuality, not because I don’t know but simply because I just cannot ascribe a “number” to how I might be thinking and feeling at any given moment.
Which is why when people ask me if I like men or women more than the other, my answer usually is, “It depends.” When I’m asked if I like men or women – and the question is really asking if I’m really gay or I’m really straight and there’s some confusion going on here – my usual answer is, “Yes.” If there is a balance here, some numbers game, it’s that I like men and women but if you wanna try to quantify this any further, well, pack breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few snacks; bring something for a headache, too, while you’re at it because trying to explain how unequal all of this is will take a long time.
If sexuality truly isn’t just “black and white” and bisexuality is in that gray area in between these two “extremes,” um, it might help to understand that bisexuality isn’t really as static as being straight or gay can be because, at any given moment, a bisexual guy could be all about other men… or all about women… or just sliding up and down the scale and all depending on what they’re feeling and thinking at any given moment. I see people using the Kinsey scale to say they’re a two or a three and maybe even a four and I’m thinking that a lot of them establishing this “default” behavior is based on what they’d do about their thoughts and feeling and, in a way, that kinda makes sense because knowing where you are on the scale gives some inner stability and definition.
But, on the real, bisexuals are just as fluid in their thoughts and feelings as they are in their actions if/when the clothes come off and, as such, trying to ascribe some sense of equality can be a fruitless endeavor. It’s this author’s opinion that because of this fluidity, it makes understanding bisexuality rather difficult for a lot of people so it’s easier for them to create a 50-50 stability point than it is to get their head around the complexities that live in a bisexual’s head from one moment to the next… and that, my friends, isn’t the way to understand or even pin down exactly what makes a bisexual tick.
You should try to understand that what makes us tick isn’t all about getting naked and freaky and more so since there are a lot of bisexuals who, in fact, have never had any of the sex that’s possible and for whatever reason that may apply to them. If you understand that a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings are in a constant state of flux, trying to play the numbers game with sexuality is a terribly difficult thing to do – even for those who are comfortable with their bisexuality; I could tell you right now that I’m 95% for women, 5% for men and, mere seconds from now, be of a totally different – and unequal – frame of mind on the matter.
If I were to advise someone about how to examine bisexuality, I might suggest that one’s time and effort be directed more in the direction of understanding why they’re bisexual or how they’re bisexual if that’s applicable… but not assuming that there’s some implied equality going on with this; even if you’re bisexual, you’d probably make yourself insane trying to do this. And, yes, if this all sounds horribly complicated, you’re right – it is and more so since a lot of what makes a bisexual the way they is intangible, meaning, there are no words (or anything else) than can describe or define things in this.
Your time would be better spent on accepting that you or your partner is bisexual, that they feel some kind of way about men and women and then going on about your relationship in the best way possible.
KDaddy23, Contributing Author, Overly Enthusiastic Bisexual, and Wearer of Other Hats