MARRIAGE EQUALITY? For Who?! Not all LGBTQ! Not for me!

Now that I’ve congratulated all my friends and acquaintances I need to let folks know I’m PISSED OFF AND FIRED UP!!!

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I’m a bisexual woman assigned female at birth MARRIED to a person assigned male at birth.

I have been in long term relationships with a male assigned at birth and a female assigned at birth at the same time. Both wore my ring. He was my husband in a court of law, she was my wife…because she and I said so and we lived our lives as such.

Despite our sincerest desires my long term girlfriend and I COULD NOT marry and I still CAN NOT marry a female assigned at birth so long as I am married to my husband.

The same goes for a bisexual assigned male at birth. He cannot legally be married to a female assigned at birth and marry his long term boyfriend who was assigned male at birth and that goes or any combination of bisexual love.

We cannot marry both our male assigned at birth and female assigned at birth partners and that’s the point.
I would love to be able to take my long term girlfriend, with my husband by my side, down to the courthouse and give her the same rights as him in my life, legally.

I don’t want a side piece, an extra lover. I’d love to be able to fall in love and ask a woman to marry me, spend the rest of her life with me and give her all the legal rights she deserves, equal to my husband in a court of law.

Why is the bisexual aspect of this marriage equality discussion NOT on the table?

Don’t point out poly anything to me with regard to bisexuals having equal rights to marry! I’m not talking about bigamy, polyandry, polyamory, multiple husbands or wives.

I’m talking about the BISEXUAL EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS to marry ONE CISMALE AND ONE CISFEMALE or ONE TRANSMALE AND ONE TRANSFEMALE or any combination of M/F gender identities if we so choose.

This is about the B in the LGBT not having the same marriage rights as the Lesbian, Gay, Transgender persons who can marry any cismale, cisfemale, transman or transwoman of their choosing.

What about those of us who love both, carry long term relationships with both?

BOTH of my long term relationships deserve legal validity if we are ready for that step.

UNFORTUNATELY in this country the B seems to be silent in the LGBT world of progression. We’re still in the dark corners of the flag.

What do you think? Comment, c’mon…let’s get the dialog started!

-Jay Dee, Founder

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If You Have Children…

Greetings, bi wives!  It’s been awhile since I came to talk to you but as the title of this writing indicates, as a biwife husband, well, check this out…

So, one fine summer day, our three children paraded into my presence and, right away, I knew something was up; if these three characters were standing in front of me, this just couldn’t be a good thing.  Instead of giving myself a headache trying to figure out what they wanted, I waited patiently for one of them to become the spokesperson and tell me what’s going on.

After a couple of minutes of looking at each other, I cleared my throat to get their attention and, finally, my daughter took a small step forward and asked, “Can we talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” I said, waiting for the shoe to drop.  “You know that if you wanna talk, we can talk.”

My daughter looked at her brothers – and they were looking nervous – then scratched her head for a moment – and then asked, “Does Mommy like  girls?”

Okay… of all the things they could have asked, this was not one of them!  Now, we’d already had the “birds and bees” talk which included sexuality choices – better to let them know “before the fact” instead of finding out via peer pressure (which can be bad) but my wife and I had decided not to let them know that we were both bisexual, invoking need to know and, well, they didn’t need to know… but they somehow found out.  I kept my face “neutral” – I was stunned and working hard not to let it show – and asked, “What makes you ask a question like that?”

Apparently, one of the kids – and it wasn’t important which one – overheard their mother talking on the phone and I could only assume that my wife was talking to one of her female lovers and, um, in such a way that it was clear to whoever overheard her that, ah, crap, there was something “different” about Mom… and now they were before me looking for confirmation and perhaps some clarification and I wasn’t sure I wanted to have that conversation with them, not because I didn’t think they’d understand, but because I couldn’t foresee what the impacts would be down the road.  I even thought about dropping back and punting and invoking a well-known dodge:  Go ask your mother.

Indeed, I wondered for a moment why they didn’t just go ask her but I figured that they thought that asking her wouldn’t go over well and, honestly, I didn’t know that it would.  I thought about deflecting the question and invoking another well-known dodge:  I don’t think you’re old enough to understand this but at 13, 15, and 17, yeah, they were both smart and old enough to understand.  And, yes, I even thought about lying to them and acting as if I had no idea what they were talking about but that would have been a disaster just waiting to happen and in many ways.

So after spending all of ten seconds thinking about all of this, I simply said, “Yes, she does like girls, too, and, of course, you guys remember that we talked about stuff like this, right?”

The three of them nodded and I could see each of them processing what I just said and coming to their own “conclusions.”  My sons, well, they just kinda shrugged and my oldest son’s response to my question – “Yeah…” had a thick undercoat of disinterest and the youngest had a “Wow!” look on his face but, like his brother, didn’t seem to be all that intrigued about it.  My daughter, on the other hand, looked… distressed?  Discombobulated?  I’m not sure but it wasn’t hard to tell that having this confirmed may have shaken her up; it was at this moment I realized why they came to ask me this because I was also the head of the family damage control department.

Oh, man… this could be bad and the feeling grew on me as my daughter turned to her brothers and said, “I wanna talk to Daddy alone, if you don’t mind.”  The boys blinked at having been dismissed – and I thought it was funny but knew better than to laugh or smile.   The oldest frowned and said, “Whatever…” and he and his brother hauled butt and I got the sense that they were very happy to be sent on their way.  My daughter is looking at me with a look I still couldn’t decipher but, okay, I gotta deal with this so I got her to sit down and tell me what was on her mind.

“Mommy’s like me, huh?” she asked – and, yes, I already knew that she was bisexual – we had one hell of a talk about it when she came out.

“Yeah, she is – does that surprise you?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she replied.  “I guess it never crossed my mind that she could be.”

“Are you bothered by this?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” she replied.  “Is it good that we’re both like that?”

“I dunno, sweetheart, but I’d have to say that it’s probably a good thing that you and your mother have something in common,” I replied carefully.  “But whether that’s good or bad is really up to you to decide.”

“I think it can be a good thing,” she said after a moment – and I let go of the breath I’d been holding.  “Should I go talk to her?”

“Yeah, I think you should,” I said.  “But give me a moment to let her know that you wanna talk to her, okay?”

“Are you gonna tell her why I want to talk to her?  You know she’s gonna ask…” she said.

“I’ll tell her that you want to talk to her about some girl stuff and that she’s better qualified to talk to you than I am,” I said.

Two hours later…

My daughter came skipping down the stairs, smiling brightly and announced that she was going outside, stopping long enough to plant a wet kiss on my cheek.  My wife came downstairs a moment later with an amused look on her face and all I asked was, “Did everything go okay?”

My wife replied, “Yeah, um, we understand each other better now.”

I guess it was days later when I found myself thinking about the implications in more detail and wondered if I – if we – did the right thing by having this particular discussion.  I never asked my wife or daughter what they talked about – girls have to have their secrets, right?  But I also felt that at some point, the kids would eventually figure out that neither of us were straight and that it was better they have the facts than to make assumptions.  I knew other bisexual parents who’d go to great lengths to keep their sexuality a secret from their children – and the children figured it out anyway – but because of the parents’ inability (or desire) to talk to their children about such things, the relationship they had with their children suffered.  And, yes, I’ve even seen it blow up in the faces of well-meaning parents and since I knew this, well, all my wife and I could do was to just wait and see if any of this would have a negative impact on our children.

And it didn’t.  Not long after this happen, my oldest son came out to me as bisexual…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

 

In The Meantime, In The Background…

Well, I’ve been out of sight for a while but trust me, BiWifeLife is all that’s been on my mind through the month of June. It’s PRIDE month!!!

I’ve been working very hard in the background, doing ground work to get Our name out there and bring visibility to Us as a community.

We are a community.

A community of wives and husbands, fiances, girlfriends and boyfriends who all deal with the same issue- a bisexual mate.

With the wonderful addition of KDaddy we are able to view the perspective of a husband married to a bisexual woman. We are able to cater to husbands questions, concerns, etc through a man’s eyes. I’m working to expand that concept.

BiWifeLife has partnered with The Brooklyn Community PRIDE Center in Brooklyn, New York to throw the first Bisexual Social Mixer in the center’s history on July 1, 2015 at 7pm.

BiWifeLife Social Mixer July 12015

IF our turn out is good we’ll begin a Bi gathering Bi weekly right here in Brooklyn, NYC.

Now, we know there are other bi gatherings  here in the city, maybe even in Brooklyn BUT this is a social gathering sponsored by BiWifeLife, a place for married bisexual women.

My husband will be co-facilitating the mixers/groups right alongside me.

I do have hopes of expanding our resource to Bisexual married men, I am arranging meetings with other orgs in the coming week or so to do just that.

Just yesterday I was at the Mayor’s Pride Reception where the Mayor of NYC and his wife gave awesome speeches and reminded everyone this city flies rainbow flags too, not just the American Flag. There I connected with many great people in many great circles who not only loved the concept of BiWifeLife but had many contacts and resources who would be interested in Our cause. BiWife Visibility. We are invisible.

As I explained to someone earlier when my husband and I attend PRIDE events sometimes we get sneers and ugly looks upon entering the room…that is until I pull out my BiWifeLife business card and all of a sudden I now am beyond welcomed. Bisexual married women AND men are invisible. Even more invisible than the much overlooked B in the LGBT. It truly pains me there aren’t more resources for Us. I’m working hard to partner/collaborate/join forces with other Bi organizations and resources to let women around the world know We are here.

Being it’s PRIDE month there are many more organizations out and about, mixing, socializing, gathering, marching, etc. Last year we attended the Transcending Boundaries Conference where we let other organizations know for the first time that We, BiWifeLife exsists. This year my husband and I will be doing a workshop on “Disclosing and Managing Bisexuality in Marriage or an LTR” at that very same conference.

We (my husband, family and I) all partake in promoting BiWifeLife to get the word out there is a place for Bisexual Married women, soon Bisexual Married Men as well.

We face a unique set of issues only We can understand. No one wears our shoes but Us.

I hope to have BiWifeLife Gear, mugs, keychains, pens, mousepads, events, retreats, etc…but again I’m like a one woman show.

I can’t keep doing it all alone.

We are a community.

If YOU would like to be involved we are in need of:

1. Social Media Moderator

2. Blog Editor

3. Contributing Writers

4. Techies to manage other platforms

This blog is powered by YOU, the readers and commenters, the ones who engage in dialog and keep things interesting here.

I’d like to thank you all for being with Us thus far!!!

Drop a line to biwifelife@gmail.com if you’re interested in volunteering.

-Jay Dee, Founder

Miss Right Now

I’ve been quite quiet on here lately. A lot has been going on for me and my marriage and beyond, and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on it and waiting for something post-worthy to actually happen. So here’s the scoop.

Backstory: In December, my husband consented to my idea of opening our marriage so that I (and he as well, if he wanted) could experience being in a relationship with another woman. He and I had been with female friends together before as a fun hookup type thing, but I was longing to have a deeper connection and a woman whom I/we could consistently be intimate with. Of the two female friends who we had been with, one is also in an open marriage but lives halfway across the country (we have lots of fun together when we actually get to see each other, once or twice a year), and the other is self-admittedly only sexually bi-curious and certainly only hetero-romantic and also has a new boyfriend (read, we never see her anymore). I became frustrated and at a loss for where to meet this woman with whom I could build a beautiful relationship with.

Around February, per the sugestion of a couple friends, I ran by my husband the idea of me making a profile on OkCupid. He consented, and I hopped online. I was obsessed with the friggin’ site for like a month. I was constantly tweaking my profile, answering compatibility questions, looking at the same profiles over and over again. In that time I chatted with a few women, talked about meeting up with some but never did. Someone I was actually very interested in just kinda floated off. I went on a first date with someone who I was excited to meet, only to not be that interested in her once we were in person.

It got very frustrating for me. Maybe I should forget this whole dating thing. It’s not worth the trouble. I shared this with my husband. While at first he was very taken aback that I would throw the towel in so quickly, he did encourage me to just let stuff happen at its own pace.

It wasn’t long after that that I messaged this beautiful woman as a “have nothing to lose” move. She quickly messaged me back, and before I knew it we were getting to know each other, then exchanging numbers and texting, then making plans to meet up.

On a Thursday evening in early April, I was greeted by this bubbly, smiling, absolutely adorable human being outside of the bar we’d planned to have a beer at. Thankfully, she talks a lot when she’s nervous (I, on the other hand, am incredibly shy the first time I meet someone), and I was perfectly content to sit on my bar stool and listen to her talk for an hour before we had to part ways.

We went out for dinner together the following week. She kissed me before I walked back to my car. It was just a peck, and I was so surprised that I just blushed and said goodnight. I didn’t even think to kiss her back. I felt guarded and awkward, like I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with her yet.

Almost a month went by before we saw each other again. She was away on a trip, then I was, then she was covering shifts at her second job. I missed her. It felt good to miss someone like that. We finally made a date to see each other and have been consistently spending time together for the past month or so.

[In the meantime, my husband approached me about the idea of dating someone together – a way to bring us closer to each other. I loved the idea but wasn’t sure how to bring it up with my new lady friend. Dating a couple wasn’t exactly what she’d had in mind when we first met. I didn’t want her to feel that I had misled her. I was already emotionally invested in her. I wasn’t going to bring it up to her. She had met my husband once at this point, and it was a bit awkward. She texted me one morning to ask what my ideal dating situation was, so I told her both mine and my husbands. What better time, right? I had totally underestimated her. Her response was “Well, that solves it. We’ll just all spend more time together.” Be still my heart. I was so relieved.]

We’ve hung out the three of us a few times since then, and I couldn’t imagine things going any better. The two of them get along great and are getting to know each other. I’m feeling my initial walls of guardedness come crashing down for her. While we’ve yet to be sexually intimate with each other, I feel like that’s only a matter of time and having a good opportunity.

There’s a catch. There always is one, right? She’s leaving for grad school in the fall. That will take her about 300 miles from here. I struggled with this, even when it was just a possibility, before she had found out that she’d been accepted. Did I want to invest my time and emotions in someone who I would only get to date for a few months? My answer is simple. There is no other woman I would rather invest my time and emotions in than her. Yes, I’ll be sad to see her go, but this summer will be a practice in living in the present moment, something I very much need to practice. She is all that I want right now, and “right now” is the only time I have with her. I think it’s gonna be one hell of a summer.

– Meredith Lee, Contributing Author

What BiWife Life?

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted.
   Mainly because I didnt know what to post about. Honestly, my life hasn’t had any bi anything in it. 😦
   With the change of season in my Great city the abundance of gorgeous women is staggering.  I find myself innately and acutely aware of my sexuality. I’m mostly with my family and women obviously don’t presume my stare is one of desire or lust because I must be straight if I’m with my husband and kids.
   I’ve taken to wearing a small LGBT pride pin wherever I go BUT I presume people assume I’m supporting one of my obviously LGBT children.
   Even when I’m alone the ring on my left hand says I’m off limits  despite my LGBT pin strategically placed where EVERYONE can see it  and my obvious interest when looking or flirting with a female. (maybe I’m married to a woman? )
   I refuse to go without my wedding rings anywhere. Ever. I am married. Taken by a wonderful man. I am in love. With a wonderful man.
   The internet doesn’t work. After 3 years I’m so frustrated with that process I refuse to indulge at present. 
   Thing is, to be honest,  I’m a woman with needs. I find myself so sexually frustrated it’s almost painful #blueballs?
If my husband had a vagina and functional penis life would be perfect but he does not.
Lesbian porn bores me. Does nothing for me. What I crave is more than sex.
   I crave Her smile, Her smell, Her laugh, Her ‘mad’ face, Her taste. I miss Her txts, Her voice, the sight of Her walking toward me with love in her eyes.
   It drives me insane and the truth is sometimes I get so fed up with my own self  for having such a strong pull toward women despite being blessed with a wonderfully awesome husband.
  THIS is exactly why I started this blog.
   The challenges we face are so quietly tortuous.  We suffer silently most times in our own heads.
   There are those of us who have wonderful supportive husbands who encourage and love us as we struggle in this biwife life.
There are many who do not.
   It is PRIDE Month and through my BiWifeLife promotion efforts who knows I may come across Her.
I can only hope…

-Jay Dee, Founder