I’d be happy to share my story…
“I always knew I had been attracted to other women. Given the opportunity, I may have actually identified as lesbian, but my feelings were squelched by being brought up in a family of deep religious values.”
“I suffered sexual and physical abuse as a child and teen by boys. I struggled with trusting them for the rest of my life.
I struggled with appearing as anything other than an object to men.
When I met my husband, he was the first man in my life that ever made me feel like I had self worth.
When I did everything I could to make him hate me, he still stuck around.
I was ugly and broken and defeated, and he picked up the pieces and loved me anyway.”
About three years ago I decided I was ready to fight my demons and got into therapy. Some very hard talks made me realize there were things in my life I was hiding from even myself.
“The fact that I may have married my husband just to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay was one of the things I had to explore. He was supportive.”
He encouraged me to actively explore my sexuality.
We sat down and discussed specific limitations.
The main thing we agreed upon was he needed to be around if anything happened between me and another woman. Nothing was to be done in secret.
We were doing this to encourage our marriage. This needed to be part of our marriage and not separate from it.
My first experience was a drunken, haphazard mess, and I was overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. Again, he stuck in there with me.
He helped me work out the things I did like about the experience and the things I didn’t like. For instance, I didn’t know her very well. We didn’t do anything except kiss, but it was still a shock to my system and so we had to discuss the ramifications.
The next time, it was with a woman I love. She is married. Her husband is supportive just as mine is. We are good friends. She is beautiful, and kind, and I trust her with my heart. That was what was different for me.
I can’t do a no strings attached deal… I need the love, not the sex.
It’s still a bumpy road sometimes. When I am feeling passion and intensity for a woman, my husband often feels “left out,” but he also knows I will come back to him. He knows that at the end of the day, he is home.
“He is my safety. No one can ever replace that. I don’t want them to. I just want my heart to be full and he knows there is a hole in it that can never be sealed by him… Only it is him that is sealing it. By giving me the freedom to explore this part of me, I have been able to explore it in a safe environment.”
When I am questioning myself, “who am I? what do I want? what does this all mean?” He is right there, over my shoulder, “I know who you are… you are beautiful. you are cherished. you are loved.”
I don’t know what it will be in the end, but I know I feel more myself now, than I ever have before.
I feel confident in reaching a place where I can be honest (with myself) about my sexuality, and that it doesn’t define me.