If You Were My Woman…

I thought I’d stop by and write something… encouraging.  As you may know, I am bisexual; been this way pretty much all of my life and, as such, I’ve learned a lot of things about love, sex, and relationships that are… unconventional, non-traditional, maybe even off the beaten track – and certainly some things that can make a lot of people quite nervous.  Bisexuality is the great big elephant in the room; we know it’s there but we want – choose – to ignore it and not so much because it cannot be reasoned that this sexuality aspect can have far-reaching benefits but, mainly and mostly, we’re overly worried about what others will think of us should it become known that we’re just not as straight as “everyone” else is.

I am aware of the plight many bisexuals face, both men and women and while single bisexuals have “issues,” bisexuals in a relationship are, in fact, in the worst imaginable situation.  As I sat down to write this, I was thinking about a woman I was talking to many years ago who had discovered her bisexuality but, like a lot of women, hooked up with a guy who didn’t believe in such things.  She had asked me, “If you were my man, how would you handle this?”  And this is how I answered her.

If you were my woman and you told me, I found out, or even suspected that you were bisexual, the first thing I’d want to do is sit down with you to talk about it and since I’m the kind of guy who needs all the information available in order to offer opinions, make decisions, etc., the more you can tell me about this, the better.  Now, I know – and can easily guess – that there are probably some things about this that you’re gonna find embarrassing or you’re afraid I’m gonna rip your head off for this so I want to assure you that, one, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I give you my word of honor that I’m not going to jump all in your ass about this.  One, there’s no reason to and, two, well, that behavior just doesn’t work.  I’m not going to accuse you of any impropriety and, again, being the type of person I am, just because you’re thinking about something like this doesn’t mean you’re gonna run out and do whatever you were thinking.  I’d want you to be comfortable talking to me about this because this is about you… and I’m about you as well; what bothers you bothers me and what makes you happy makes me happy, okay?

I had said this much to the woman and I had her undivided attention.  She asked, “So, you wouldn’t be all bent out of shape if I told you I like women?”

“No; who am I to say who you’re supposed to like and not like?” I replied.  “What I would ask is how much do you like women and in what ways you do.”

“Just like that?” she asked.

“Just like that,” I said.  “I want you to keep in mind, as we talk about this, that I’m not your run of the mill guy and that I both see and understand a lot of things differently, okay?”

She nodded, took a deep breath, and “went for the jugular” by asking, “So if I told you I wanted to sleep with my best friend, that wouldn’t bother you?”

“Wouldn’t bother me in the least bit,” I said honestly.

“Why not?” she asked.

“You’re my woman… but I don’t own you; I can ask you not to do this or that but you will always have the final say, right?  Grownup enough to make your own decisions about things?  I ain’t the boss of you and all that?” I said.

She laughed.

“But I would ask you, because it’s important, why you want to sleep with her.  I’d ask you to start at the beginning and tell me everything, you know, depending on how comfortable you are.” I said.

“What would you want to know?” she asked.

“Everything.  From the first time the thought crossed your mind up to and including anything you may have done, how close you came to doing something, stuff like that?” I answered.

“What if I don’t wanna tell you?” she asked.

“You don’t have to but if you don’t, you’re not helping me to understand what’s going on with you; remember, everything that affects you will ultimately affect me.  So if you wanna invoke the Fifth Amendment, I have no choice but to be good with that; I can’t make you say anything, can I?”

“Where have you been all of my life?” she asked.  “But what if I don’t believe you’re not gonna ‘kick my ass’ because I’ve told you this?”

“Then you don’t believe me,” I said with a shrug.  “And, no, I don’t know what I could do or say to make you believe me.  Look, I’m your man and my ‘job’ is not only to make and keep you happy but to also do whatever I can do toward that goal.  That being said, if I don’t own you and ain’t the boss of you, how can I make you believe me if you don’t want to?”

“Shit… are there any more like you at home?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said with a laugh of my own.

“Why would you let me sleep with my best friend?” she asked.

“Because you want to and I’m assuming your best friend would love to get you naked as well,” I said.

“No other reason than that?” she asked.

“Is there any other reason?” I asked.

“What’s in it for you?” she asked.  “You gonna want to sleep with both of us?”

“In that order, nothing other than you being happy.  Would I want to sleep with the both of you?  Honestly?  What guy wouldn’t?  Still, this ain’t about what I would want – this is about what you want and if, by chance, the two of you invited me, well, I’m not gonna turn down the invite; I don’t believe in being in something that you don’t or wouldn’t want me being in.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re too good to be true?” she asked.

“More times than I care to think about.  Again, you don’t have to believe me and yeah, I do know what it’s like to be with a woman who likes women; it’s why I can answer you the way I am – been there, done that and, importantly, I know the right way to handle this.”

“Well, shit,” she said.  “Your woman likes women?”

“She does,” I said.

“And you let her sleep with women?”

“Yes, although ‘let her’ isn’t the right phrase; she wanted to, made a case why she should be allowed to, and I agreed with it,” I said.

“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.

“At first it did but I got over it,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I know about every woman she’s ever slept with.”

“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna dump you for a woman?” she asked.

“Yeah but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there?  I like to say that it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in a relationship and you can lose someone just as fast and as easily as you were able to hook up with them in the first place,” I said.  “All I can do is ask her to reconsider things but if she doesn’t want to, well, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“Was that hard for you to accept?” she asked.

“Very much so; this situation is some eye-opening shit,” I replied.  “But, if my ‘job’ is to make and keep her happy, I felt I didn’t have any choice but to accept the potential for losing her to someone else; no one wants to really think about that but you gotta face the reality of things.”

“So, if I were your woman and I wanted to sleep with other women, you’d be all for it?” she asked.

“Sure, why not?  It would make you happy and your happiness would spread to me, wouldn’t it?” I asked.

“What if I told you that I’d already slept with my best friend?  Would that change your attitude?” she asked, giving me a daring kind of look.

“No, not really; you can’t do shit about something that has already happened,” I said.  “I might be… miffed that you didn’t mention that until now but at least I understand why you didn’t.  But I can overlook that so I could ask you a question.”

“What would that be?” she asked.

“Did you have fun with her?” I asked.

“For real?” she asked.

“Well, if we’re now talking about something you actually did, yeah – the question is still valid, isn’t it?” I asked.

“It was all that and then some,” she said.  “My man, well, he don’t know about that… but if you were my man and I told you I’d already slept with her – and more than once – you’d still be good with it?”

“I would be; you act like I really have a choice in the matter,” I said.  “What matters, since we’re now having this conversation – all late and wrong – is what do you wanna do going forward and how do you see it affecting our relationship?  Big changes?  Little ones?  Nothing to write home to mom about?  I can’t answer these kinds of questions and I’d have rely on you to tell me what the deal is going forward… and if you’re even gonna go forward.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I love you; what other reason is there?” I asked.  “See, I had this happen to me and it made me rethink what being in love with someone really meant; a lot of people have a lot of stuff they won’t do just for the sake of love… but this?  I can do this.  Besides – and now I’m talking real life – I know something your man probably doesn’t.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Crudely, if it’s pussy you want and need, he doesn’t have one,” I said.  “There is nothing he can do about it and I’m thinking that while he probably screws you pretty good, it’s not enough for you, right?”

“Right,” she said after taking a long moment to answer.

“If you were my woman, well, I’d be aware of that already but it doesn’t change my job, which is to do whatever I can to make and keep you happy, does it?” I asked.  “You need something I can’t give you because, duh, I don’t have it.  Now, I could forbid you to get it… but that’s more likely to make you go get it anyway since, you remember, I ain’t the boss of you.  But, if I said it was okay with me for you to have it, would that be something you’d be interested in?  Am I losing anything?  If we’re talking about us having sex, I’m thinking that now that you’re getting the other stuff you need, I’m gonna be getting more of it, too, right?”

“And if you weren’t?” she asked.

“Well, we’d need to talk about that,” I said, with a laugh.  “Because, you know, you are kinda hot and desirable…”

“Boy, stop playing!” she said, taking a playful swipe at me.  “Man, you’re seriously for-real about this, aren’t you?”

“I am… because I have to be since I’m bisexual, too,” I said.

“Get out!” she exclaimed.  “So you know about dick like I do?”

“You betcha,” I said.  “That all by itself is reason to rethink a lot of things in a relationship but, again, this ain’t about me – this is about you and what you need; we can talk about what I might need at some other time, you know, if I were really your man.”

“Shit… I wish you really were; my life would be so much easier and better.  Hey, do you think I could convince you to leave your lady?”

“Probably not, but I appreciate the offer,” I said.

The conversation ended and as she walked away, I was hoping that she could reason with her man and that he’d be able to see that in this, his life with her just might be better if he were okay with her having what she needs for her happiness.  I don’t know what happened with them although I could have called her and asked her; maybe it worked out, maybe she never mentioned it to him or let him know what, apparently, she was already doing with her best friend.

If you love her as much as you say you do, why would you not give her the happiness she wants and needs?  It ain’t about you… but it could affect you in some very bad ways to deprive her of that which she needs – and in addition to what she needs from you.

Be safe!

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

 

The Fear of Loss

I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met who would like to explore bisexuality with another woman and it ain’t happening because of the fear of loss.  Most have a man – married, shacking up, etc., and losing the security in being in a relationship is of great concern and in some situations, finding themselves having to do some major damage control should homey decide to put her on blast for the relationship and then make everyone believe he was the real victim.

These two things, alone, will stop most women from cheating and, frankly, you can’t blame a woman for not wanting to put her situation in jeopardy.  Still, a lot of women have this fear of loss, fear some damage to their reputation… and decide it’s worth the risks to, at the very least, test the waters to see if getting the girlfriend they need is doable and how things are gonna have to work in order to pursue a clandestine relationship and, hopefully, without homey being the wiser.  Yes – it all sounds pretty messed up and more so when a lot of women would not look at it with much kindness if homey were to cheat on her so now it’s thinking about why you’d want to do something that you’d crucify homey for.

Believe me – it can and has been justified and the fear of loss be damned.  As such, there are three choices available:  Ask for permission, proceed without permission, and to do nothing… and any of the three can be problematic and this is almost immediately apparent when a woman is sitting and thinking about what she can do with the way she’s been feeling.  It’s enough to put a woman in a very funky mood to see that she can’t win without losing so they choose to do nothing and winds up in even more of a funky a foul mood and tends to find out – and what many bisexuals in a relationship find out – that this being married/hooked up ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

While many women will not step to the side to scratch their itch for the touch of another woman – and because of the fear of loss – many often become aware of what they’ve already lost and high up on this list is her individuality and followed by losing her right to make decisions for herself without hubby’s approval and I’m talking about “simple” things like one woman I know wanted to go to college and get the degree she always wanted… and her husband slammed the door on it so hard the “frame” cracked; he told her she didn’t need to this and there were things around the house she could do to keep her busy.  If she had a lot of female friends prior to getting married, chances are she’s gonna lose a lot of them, not because she’s now a married woman but because her husband will drive them away and with the thought that she doesn’t need anyone else in her life but him and sometimes that includes alienating her from her family.

If she’s retained her friends and under the “You ain’t ever gonna tell me who I can be friends with!” rule, maybe she can hang out with the girls, maybe she can’t because he’s gonna raise all kinds of hell so to avoid any further arguments, no hanging out with the girls.  There really did used to be a time when a man didn’t want his woman working but these days, two incomes are very much needed so at least a woman can go to work and interact with her coworkers and all that but making new friends at work, eh, that might be a problem all by itself and telling him that you and a couple of the girls at work are gonna make a pit stop for a drink after work might make him feel some kind of way.

A lot of women in this situation feel as if they don’t have a life other than the one they voluntarily conscripted themselves into.  The loss of individuality.  The loss of that sense of freedom to act on anything that may be of benefit to her.  The loss of social interaction with other women she may resonate with.  And losses that are magnified by their fear of losing him and even vilified because she has the utter gall to want more than he’s able – or willing – to give.

The bad news?  I don’t know what to tell y’all about finding a remedy to this predicament.  As a husband, well, I know what I’d do but I’m a special kind of guy and I know not all guys are like this.  I’m a bit of an advocate for female bisexuality as much as I am for male bisexuality and I kinda hate it when I have to backpedal and tell my fellow bisexuals who are trapped by the fear of loss to do their best to prevent loss… but do what you gotta do.  Being monogamous?  I’m no longer a fan and while there are benefits to being monogamous, there are more downsides to it so it’s not only bad to be trapped by that fear of loss, the trap tightens under the guise monogamous bliss which, depending on how it’s being interpreted, can result in those other losses I mentioned earlier.

Historically, women have been of a mind that if you can’t accept me as I am – and you’d better know that I’m subject to change more than the weather – then you need to keep on walking.  And the mistake guys make is that we do say that we accept a woman as they are… and in that moment… and not give a single thought to who she might be at any other point in time and, again, just forgetting and even ignoring that she’s liable and capable of changing her mind faster than the speed of light… and then, perhaps, being foolish enough to believe that we can deal with those changes.  I mean, if you’re a guy, meeting a woman you like is also like sitting on a hand grenade that has its pin pulled – you just don’t know when it’s gonna go off and some guys compare this to trying to walk through a minefield and knowing that one wrong step is gonna be a bad one.  Some of us are also stupid enough to really believe that because we’re husband, wifey is just gonna do whatever we tell them to do… or not to do and, yeah, a lot of times, that doesn’t work all that well for him.

Telling a woman what she can’t do is usually the fastest way to ensure she’s gonna do it – and sometimes out of sheer spite.  How dare you!   You ain’t my daddy and you ain’t the boss of me!  So telling her that she can’t do something that she thinks is going to benefit her, well, that’s not going to go over very well with her and especially this bisexual thing.  I’d like to say that I don’t know why more men are not of a mind to let their woman be the woman she needs to be but I’d be lying – I do know and some of it is a man’s own fear of loss which, by the way, is why so many guys bring up the much-dreaded threesome or try to put whatever she may want to do on lockdown as much as possible because he might not say it but he’s very much afraid of losing her – and losing her to another woman.

The whole model of what it means to be in a relationship needs to be seriously revised.  That “keeping only unto yourself” thing works for some, not so much for others and instead of couples working together to make their relationship the best it can be, they wind up working toward making sure they remain stuck in place and with no changes allowed.  We never, ever account for the fact that as a person, we have things we desire but one of the foibles of being in a relationship is the contention that to be in a relationship, sacrifices must be made and in the form of giving up a whole lot of things to ensure that your partner doesn’t leave you.  We all know what marriage is… but we don’t all agree on what being married means – and I’ll point out again that if you’re in a non-married relationship, the same rules apply.  Instead of a relationship being the partnership it was probably meant to be, it usually winds up being a dictatorship where one person decides that their idea of being in a relationship is the only way to be in one and, to that end, their word is law and if you don’t like it, get out.

It’s no wonder that bisexuals have the bad rap of being cheaters because the tenets of monogamy just does not allow for these kind of changes to occur without dissolving the relationship which, time and time again, I tend to point out isn’t always the smartest thing to do.  People cheat because their needs are either not being met or are being ignored… and they feel that they have no other choice than to go this route – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – because doing nothing about this can be a lot more damaging than the loss of a relationship can be.  I personally just do not understand why a man who knows his woman wants and needs another woman in her life won’t let her go about this given that a woman who gets denied this freedom tends to get… bitchy – and that’s being nice about it.  You’ve now scorned her… and you’re gonna wind up paying for it and usually along the line of the death of a thousand cuts and, oh, yeah – if you were worried about losing her, you just pretty much set yourself up for that dreaded loss to occur.

In this, there is always honor to be considered and it’s not to be taken lightly but some real-deal truth is that honor doesn’t hold a lot of water when there’s a reason to invoke Rule #1 – Take care of your own ass first.  It’s self-preservation, actually, that need to save yourself from a potentially damaging situation – and it can be an emotional need to save your ass (just as much as a physical one).  It creates a conundrum:  You don’t want to be… dishonorable but if you don’t do this, the damage to your self-esteem can be great and unrepairable… but if you do go behind homey’s back, yeah, you could lose him and it’s not in your best interest to suffer that loss.  So what do you do when doing nothing just might be quite harmful to you and your mental health?

This is where it gets iffy and perhaps a bits risky.  Ask for permission but before you even bring this to his attention, be ready to present a good argument on why you should be allowed to do this and be ready to make some concessions and some that, bleh, you might not want to make.  Don’t let him tell you that there’s no way you can be feeling the way you do; this is not some phase or silly shit like that and if you accept this, well, ladies, he’s minimizing you and implying that you don’t know how you’re feeling – but he somehow does.  Don’t let him make this all about him and know that he’s gonna do just that and don’t make the mistake in presenting this as just being about you; it’s really about the both of you and what the two of you can do to attend to this need.  Relationships aren’t just about sacrifice – they’re about compromise, too, and wanting to have a girlfriend is about compromise – giving something in order to get something and if you’re not prepared to entertain anything he might want in return, don’t say anything to him about this.

It’s not going to be easy – duh – but you can’t give up after one conversation and the smart move is to wait for a period of time and bring it up again and, yeah, pointing out some stuff that he just might be aware of, oh, like how much less you’ve been interacting with him and what being denied this is doing to your state of mind.  If you fold up like a house of cards after the first conversation, well, you’ve failed yourself and have further contributed to giving up your sense of self.  He’s gonna be pissy but you might even remind him that his job is to make and keep you happy in all things and not just the things he thinks you need.  So if you’re of a mind to ask permission, get ready for a fight and be ready to be in this fight for the long haul.  A lot of women do this because this is so important to them that giving up on it isn’t a viable option…

So guess what happens next.  Yep, you know – she does it anyway and despite the fear of loss and reprisal and the legalities be damned.  I don’t encourage women to cheat – I just know that if they have reason to, they will and I’m the guy who will tell other guys that if you don’t want her cheating on you, your best bet is to give her permission to be the woman she needs to be and learn to deal with your own sense of loss and get it out of your head that you know what’s best for her…

Because you really don’t. I say to all of you that you have the power to effect change in a situation that, by design, does not and will not allow for such changes.  I don’t know about any other husband or boyfriend but I’d rather be with a woman who is happy being the woman she is than to be with one who is supremely miserable and because my own stubbornness and, dare I say, ignorance, is responsible for the way she’s feeling and behaving.  I say to every woman reading this that if you’re not gonna stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Him?  Well, you almost know how that’s been working for you, huh?

The fear of loss is powerful… but losing yourself is even more powerful.  It’s human nature to do anything that can be done for the sake of self-preservation and this is no different.  Women don’t want to cheat any more than men really want to; I know why cheating happens and the biggest contributor to needs not being met, address, or ignored is a massive failure to communicate.  If hubby asks you what’s wrong and you say, “Nothing…” you’ve failed.  If you tell him what’s wrong and he pitches a bitch about it, he’s failed to do the one thing he needed to do:  Listen to what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.  If you’re afraid to say something to him about this because you “know” he’s gonna say no, well, hmm – he might not because you think you know him… and you might not know him as well as you think you do and no more than he thinks he really knows you.

If you don’t try, you fail.  If you don’t keep trying, you fail.  If you’re not willing to concede some stuff to get what you want, you fail.  Because in any of this, yes – it’s about you… and not really since what you do affects him as well.  And if it comes to pass that negotiation continues to fail and more… extreme measures are called for, all I can say is that I hope you have a plan and a damned good one because if you get busted, that fear of loss will become a very real thing.

 

Be Prepared to Negotiate

I’m going to kinda tell you something that I recently told a bi guy who is trying to figure out how to be bi and be married. It’s not an unusual question to ask but one I sometimes answer with a question:  What are you willing to do to get what you want?

That’s when things tend to get interesting and many people are of a mind that they’re not all that willing to do certain things in order to get what they want.  If you’re not ready to negotiate or, as I say, play “Let’s Make A Deal” and prepared to offer anything in exchange for getting the permission you need, well, that’s a problem on top of the one you already have.

A lot of women might think that there’s no negotiating with their straight-laced partner… but the truth is that everyone has a price that will “buy” them – you just have to be able to find it.  Some women have asked for permission and have had their man come back with the two things that will make her take this off the table in a hurry:  Threesome and “Can I watch?”  Some women will take their request off the table when their man gets it in his head that, sure, baby, you can do this… but you’re gonna do it my way or not at all and now he wants to impose his will upon you and in an area that’s, um, not really man-friendly if you know what I mean.

The reason negotiating usually doesn’t work for men in this situation is, first, men tend to argue logically while women do it emotionally.  This is not to say that women aren’t smart and don’t use their brains so put away the knives, ladies!  You can tell when this is in play because to everything the guy will logically put out there, she will say, “Yeah, but…”  The “yeah” is her intelligently understand what was said; the “but” is her emotion-driven response as to why the intelligently understood thing ain’t ever gonna happen.

I’m telling you this so that if you gird your loins enough to have this conversation with your partner, give a lot of thought about how you’re going to present your argument to him; think about as many of the possible questions he’s gonna ask you and have an answer prepared in your mind.  Be 100% honest with him – hold nothing back – I know women love their air of mystery but that’s not gonna help you in this and more so when – not if – he asks if you’ve ever been with a woman before.  There’s a sales trick the best salespersons have learned when trying to sell a customer something:  Be able to remove all of their excuses/reasons for not buying.  My favorite and one I used is when the customer says they need to ask their partner and the counter to this is, “Okay – let’s go over here and call him/her!”

You’re gonna have to do your version of this and counter every objection including the most important and difficult one:  Being monogamous.  I will tell you and in no uncertain terms that this is going to be a fight – and if you really want to do this, you’ll roll up your sleeves and “duke it out” with him.  The “key” to countering this one is to point out that your relationship is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it – and allowing this will make your end of this easier for you to hold up.  You can, um, kinda “low blow” him by reminding him of all the times he said that he’d do anything for you and now you’re asking him to be true to what he said.

Yeah… this can get down and dirty… and if you’re not willing to get down and dirty, you’re just defeating your own cause.  Hopefully, it won’t get to this level… but you gotta be willing to do whatever is necessary if you really want and need to do this.  Another “sales trick:”  “What will it take for you to do this for me?”  And you have to let him know – and be 100% willing – that you’re willing to offer whatever he wants in return and no matter how ridiculous it might sound – but breaking up isn’t an option.

You have to do everything in your power to convince him that this is going to be a good thing for you and, specifically, your sense of self and mental/emotional well-being; you have to convince him that this will be a good thing for him even though, to his ears, nah, not even close.  You have to convince him that what you want to do in this does not have anything to do with your love and desire for him.  And trust me – he’s gonna think that it does… and men do not like to be under the impression that they ain’t all that where it matters.  How is this gonna benefit him?  Well, you’ll be a much better person, which’ll make you a better partner who won’t be moping around, being bitchy, stuff like that and, yeah, things in the bedroom are going to be better because you won’t have all this frustration getting in the way of things.  To this end – and just between me and you – be prepared to let your inner freak out and if you don’t have one, find one.  If you have a list of things you’re not gonna do, get rid of it.  This might be upsetting but it’s a necessary evil; do not let any fears you have in this stop you from getting what you want – and getting rid of that list before you talk to him would be a good thing.

If he asks, “What’s in it for me?” it goes back to the asking him what it’s gonna take thing.  The thing here is that however you answer this question, be prepared to never, ever renege on it; do not ever promise him something that you’re not going to deliver.  If he brings up the dreaded threesome thing, ask him what he has in mind about that instead of just saying, “Deal!” or saying, “Oh, hell no!”  From your point of view, everything is negotiable and you have to believe this and be prepared to negotiate.  You say no a lot and you’ve pretty much ruined your chances for success.  Yes, this is about you and all of that… but ladies, there really is no such thing as a free lunch and if you’re not willing to “pay for lunch,” you’re gonna be hungry,

What if he says he doesn’t want to talk about this?  Another sales trick:  When would be a good time for you to talk about this with me?  You ask this question while letting him know that having this conversation is very damned important to you; you can let him know that he doesn’t have to make a snap decision right then and there… but right now, you need him to listen to what you have to say and that ignoring it isn’t going to be a good thing for you.  You have to be prepared to stay calm in the face of any negative reactions on his part; no crying, no looking defeated; just cool, calm but determined to be heard.

We live in a world where women are being more empowered and flexing their muscles and working toward getting permission to, at the least, have a girlfriend you can talk to is part of this empowered muscle flexing.  You have to be able to present your argument logically; be prepared to answer any question he has, allay any fears that he might have and negotiate with him in good faith.  And if he rejects your proposal, do not give up and you can even ask him, “Can we talk about this, say, in a month, when we’ve both had time to do more thinking about this?”  And if he continues to say no, well, bring it up in a month anyway – freedom of speech and all that.

Why must you be this persistent?  Because the alternatives might not be all that attractive to you.  The first alternative is to just give up all your hopes, dreams, and desires in this and suffer with your frustration and adding to whatever depression you may be feeling over this and I’ll point out that if you’re thinking about having this conversation with him, you’re already feeling all of this stuff and maybe more.  The other alternative is to invoke Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – and go down the road of infidelity.  Sadly and truly, many find that it’s better to beg forgiveness than it is to ask permission and get it.

When my first wife laid this on me she asked for permission… but let me know that if she didn’t get it, she was invoking Rule Number One.  No one likes being handed an ultimatum and it might be in your best interest not to utter this particular ultimatum… but it’s one you will have to consider – but also keep in mind that thinking and doing are not always the same thing (and I don’t care what you’ve been told about this); you have to keep all of your options firmly in mind and even the ones you might not want to do.

How badly do you want and need this?  What are you willing to do in order to have it?  Before you even approach him and say, “Honey, there’s something I need to talk to you about…” have several plans in mind and be ready to switch gears faster than you can blink.  There is no guarantee that any of this will work – chances are you will fail to get permission… but as odd as this may sound, failure is a good thing – it gives you clues to how to succeed.  The biggest failure is not saying anything about it.  Do not assume that his answer is going to be “Hell no!” before you ask; sure, you know this guy… but do you really?  A lot of women do find out that they don’t and get blindsided when he says, “Okay – how do you wanna do this?”

If you do not stand up for that which you need in order to be the best person and partner you can be, no one is going to do it for you.  This won’t be easy and you should do any planning with the understanding that it’s going to be harder than you think it is.  And negotiate in a way that you’re not totally giving away the farm.  He wants to be in charge of what you do and who you do anything with?  Negotiate this!  You’ll tell him who and even tell him what if he really wants to know but giving him the “right” to choose your partner?  Not negotiable and you tell him that anyone he might choose may not be someone you’d choose – you need the freedom to choose.  What if he doesn’t like who you’ve chosen?  That’s negotiable, too… but you let him know that things will be smoother if everyone can get along.

It’s a hard sell and will probably be the hardest thing you’ve ever done… but it can be done.  Just a question of how badly you need and want this and what you’re willing to do to get it.  I will caution you to not to throw your relationship away; some women are kinda “all or nothing” about this and that might not be a smart move.  You want to preserve, improve, and continue your relationship with him… you just need some changes made if you both are willing to negotiate.  Oh, one final warning, if I may:  Do not make any rules that cannot be changed if/when needed.  Many couples who roll with this lay down some very strict rules and no changes are allowed – and that’s a mistake because people change their minds all of the time.  The thing to do is when a change occurs, it’s time to talk about the change and do some more negotiating if needed.  I get it:  You want to put rules in place to prevent the relationship falling apart and all that but making the rules too rigid and wholly non-negotiable is still a mistake you do not want to make.  Once you get permission, do not stop communicating – that’s another big mistake people make in this; they got permission and there’s nothing else to talk about.

And to anyone willing to take this very big step, I wish you the best of luck in this; stay strong!  I’ve gone through this “process” and I know a whole lot of other people who have as well.  Some have been successful (I was or, really she was) and some have failed – c’est la vie.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

To the Husbands/Boyfriends of a Bisexual Woman

I have a message for the guys in the title of this writing.  Well, actually, I have a few things to share with you and especially if you’re harboring any negativity about her being the way she is, beginning with this:

If she’s bisexual, chances are it has nothing to do with you.  It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or need you in her life and it sure doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like or otherwise enjoy sex with you.  What it does mean is that she needs something that you can’t do a whole lot about and it’s not your fault that you’re not a woman.  So, should you discover that your lady is having thoughts and/or feelings about other women, it would be best for her state of mind not to ignore her or start getting all Old Testament on her about how she’s thinking and feeling.

Next, don’t do what a lot of other people tend to do:  Don’t confuse thinking with doing – they’re not the same things.  If she shares this with you or you figure it out, don’t assume that she’s been doing things behind your back the whole time you’ve known her and, jeez, don’t be foolish enough to accuse her of any impropriety.  Next, understand that her sexuality isn’t something that needs to be fixed and in a lot of situations, the only thing you have to do is just listen to what she has to say about it.  You can ask her questions like how long has she been feeling this way; you can ask her if there is or was some specific event in her life that got her thinking/feeling the way she does and if she answers, just listen to what she has to say.

Yes, you can ask her what, if anything, she might want to do about this – while keeping in mind what I said about thinking and doing not being the same thing – and even if she tells you what she’s thinking about if she could do something, do your best not to get bent out of shape because you should remember and take to heart the first thing I said to you:  This ain’t about you; all of this is all about how she feels, what she’s thinking and even doing some wishful thinking if it were possible for her to actually do something about any of this.

And, my god, do not even think about the word “threesome!”  Okay, wait a moment; you can think it… just don’t let it out of your mouth; don’t even ask her about this unless she happens to mention it and should she do this, pay close attention to what she has to say about it and if she says she doesn’t think she could do something like that – and, believe it or not, most women believe that they can’t and shouldn’t – then believe her.

Now… what should you do?  The most important thing you can do first and foremost is to assure her that you’re not going to hand her head to her.  Hearing this might make you feel some kind of way and the next thing you should do is to keep your feelings in check – just remain calm and as best you can manage because you’re about to learn something very important about the woman you love.  Another thing you should do is to get rid of any preconceived notions you have about bisexual women; you may have heard some stuff – and who hasn’t? – and your best bet is to forget all of it and, once again, listen to what she has to say and especially if you get it in your head that she’s not happy with any sex you’ve been having… because in many bisexual women, the actual sex is of secondary concern.

Oh, and if you happen to be wondering, I was married to a bisexual woman for a very long time so, yeah, I kinda/sorta know what I’m talking about; I also know quite a few bisexual women and they’ve taught me a lot about bisexuality in women and I’ve most certainly heard what they’ve had to say about having a husband or boyfriend who has acted like a childish ass about it.  I am, myself, bisexual and have been for over a half a century so, yeah, I know some stuff about this.  Let’s continue, shall we?

I do understand how you might be feeling to hear this from her just as I know what you might be thinking… because I had those very same thoughts and feelings; I know how hard it is to get your head around this and that first thought that she’s telling you this because you screwed up or something like that.  You might even think that she shouldn’t even be thinking about or feeling these things or because you’re in a relationship with her, well, such stuff shouldn’t ever come up… and I’m here today to tell you is that if that’s what you think and believe, um, well, what you think and believe doesn’t reflect certain realities, to be polite about it.  I know you’re gonna want to be all offended and upset and I’ll tell you that if you get all bent out of shape, you’re not helping her any and letting her know how pissed off you are – and how totally against such things you are – you just might be setting yourself up for some stuff that’s gonna be worse than her telling you that she’s bisexual.

No, I don’t mean she’s gonna go cheat on you… although that’s a possibility and I’m not going to lie to you about that.  What I’m talking about is by not listening to her or otherwise trying to make this about you or, damn, putting your foot down and forbidding her to even say anything about this, what you’re gonna find yourself dealing with is one very miserable woman because, first, your negative reaction tells her that you don’t give a damn about how she feels… about this and maybe anything else and you’ve now lost some very major Brownie points with her.  She might not go out of her way to make you regret your position on this but you can bet anything you care to that because now her mind is in a very bad place because of how badly you behaved, some stuff is going to change; some of it might be quite drastic, some might be subtle… but the tone of the relationship will change and not for the better.

You know the saying, “Happy wife, happy life?”  It’s a real thing just like it’s true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned and if you diss her about this or give her a whole lot of grief and even turn into a drama queen about it, well, you’re gonna find out some stuff that makes discovering her bisexuality pale in comparison.  I will also point out to you that if, at any time, you’ve told her that you’d do anything for her to make and keep her happy – but you’ve gone off the deep end over this, um, well, let’s say that her belief in what you say to her is going to be severely questioned and you’re gonna lose even more Brownie points.

Perhaps – and despite my warning not to do so – you’re thinking that she’s gonna cheat on you or, gasp, she’s been cheating all along?  Lemme tell you a little something about that:  Most bisexual women are not of a mind to cheat and it would again be in your best interest not to accuse her of any infidelity because some women are of a mind that if you accuse them of something they haven’t done, well, they just might get it in their head to make the accusation a reality… and you really don’t want her to even think about this one.  If she tells you that she would never cheat on you, do your best to believe what she says… but then there’s this:

What if she says she wants a girlfriend?  Oh, boy, huh?  Yeah, I know – all kinds of stuff is going through your mind about this one, huh?  The smart move is to ask her why she wants a girlfriend and, again, it would be in your best interest – and in the best interest of the relationship – to just sit there, stay calm, and just listen.  In a lot of situations like this that I know of, if nothing else, she wants and needs to share her thoughts and feelings with another woman who feels the same way.  Truthfully?  Yeah… maybe she wants the physical experience but, for the most part, women are more emotionally bisexual than anything else but, yeah, sure, why wouldn’t she be curious about the physical part?

Yeah… this is getting really real, ain’t it?  You’re probably feeling trapped between that rock and a hard place and this girlfriend thing goes against everything you’ve ever believed about being in a relationship, doesn’t it?  I’d ask you that while all of this stuff is bouncing around in your head and you’re thinking about getting rid of her and other uncool stuff, keep in mind that what she’s thinking and feeling still doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and if she says anything about wanting a girlfriend, for now, it’s something that’s on her mind – remember that a lot of women are emotionally bisexual and it’ll make her one happy camper to be able to relate with another bisexual woman.

You’re now thinking, “What if she wants to have sex with another woman?”  Good question… and the toughest one to be dealt with.  Do you do the man-thing and forbid her or do you give her your blessing to go ahead and check it out?  Lemme tell you what I did when my now ex-wife laid this one on me and, specifically, what she said to me!  Once she told me what she wanted and needed she made it clear that one way or another, she was gonna get what she needed, putting me in a very bad spot – and just like the one you’ve found yourself in, by the way.  I was totally against such a thing because, like you, I firmly believed in the sanctity of marriage and relationships but I also knew her and that what she said to me wasn’t an idle threat.  I had a tremendously big decision to make and it started with a few questions: Would it be better to know what’s she doing rather than be constantly worried, paranoid, whatever about what she might be doing any time she was out of my sight?  Importantly, did I love her as much as I’d said I did?  Did I really mean it in all those times I told her that I’d do anything for her if it would make her happy except some stuff that might land me in a prison cell?

I thought about our very long relationship; if I forbid it, what will it do to the relationship?  Was I ready to throw everything we’ve been through together away?  Didn’t I promise and swear before God that I’d stick with her for better or worse?  Yeah, we both promised and swore to not let any sundering happen and keep only unto ourselves – and, by the way, in case you weren’t aware of this, unmarried couples follow these same rules and guidelines – but this is a really bad situation because she wants and needs something that I’m not equipped to provide for her since, you know, I’m not female.  Being a bisexual, I knew exactly what she was feeling and why and I put myself in her place and thought about how I’d feel if I said I wanted and needed a boyfriend and she lost her mind over that.  I’d definitely not be happy and, knowing myself, I’d find every way I could to let her know just how unhappy I was about it… so, yeah, I didn’t have to guess about any of that.  So I asked her a question:

“What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this?”  She told me that, yes, she wanted a girlfriend so she could be with someone who would understand her thoughts and feelings because they have the same thoughts and feelings.  She said that, yes, she needed to find out if having the sex was really what she needed – while making it clear that the sex we had was fine and dandy but, I’m not a woman.  She also made it clear that she had no plans to leave me and our family for another woman; she said,”I just want and need those things that only another woman can give me; I know that I will be a better person, a better wife and mother just like I know that if I can’t do this, it’s going to drive me crazy and it’ll make me do something I know I’m going to regret… but I meant what I said – I have to do this and I’m going to do it with or without your permission or blessing.”

Damn.  The last question I asked myself was do I want to live with someone who’s going to always be as miserable as anyone can get and then experience all that misery because of something I believed in?  I’d been aware that something was going on with her; I realized that I’d been getting a taste of what it’s like to live with her being a miserable puppy – and I didn’t like one moment of  it.  The biggest question I asked myself – again – was did I love and trust her as much as I felt and said I did?

So I said, “Okay… but we’re gonna need some rules.”  Yes, she did make it clear that if she was allowed to pursue her thoughts and feelings, I should be allowed to do the same thing if I wanted to – that was another big decision I had to make.

I’ve told you all of this to let you know that instead of our relationship going down the drain, things did get better for her and myself… because she was very damned happy to be able to be the woman she had to be.  Should you do what I felt had to be done?

That’s on you and it’s not an easy decision to make.  It’s not easy to hear your woman telling you that she has these thoughts and feelings but I will say to every one of you guys is that if you love her and got to have her in your life, you might want to consider giving her your blessing if she wants to do some exploring.  Otherwise, just listen to her and do your level best to have her back and as you’ve promised to do while also doing your best to understand her thoughts and feelings even if having them yourself ain’t a possibility.

This is about her.  It’s about her thoughts and feelings about this and if nothing else, I say again that if you love her, you will give it your all to listen to her and understand why she feels the way she does.  If she needs to do something about it, well, that’s another thing and I’m not gonna tell you that thinking about this aspect is going to be easy for you.  Which is why, if this is what she needs to do, ask her what I asked my wife:  What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this – and with great emphasis on the word “we” – I cannot begin to tell you how important this is.  If she says what’s good for the gander – her – is good for the goose – you – okay, that’s fair… but if you’re of a mind not to go along with suddenly having this freedom, no, you don’t have to take advantage of it.  If anything – and if you decline that freedom – now it’s about supporting her, continuing to love her and by doing so, confirming to her that all that stuff you said about loving her, making her happy, and keeping her happy was the truth and nothing but the truth.

You just might find yourself living and loving the happiest woman on the planet for just listening to her and not kicking her ass about her thoughts and feelings.  If you say that she can explore, she’s gonna love you even more and it’ll show in everything she does going forward – and I do mean everything; if you thought having sex with her was off the hook, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  In any of this, the most important thing you can do, once the cat is out of the bag and no matter what she may want to do – or not – keep listening to her and by all means, just keep talking to her period.   Most guys make a decision one way or the other and the biggest mistake they make is they stop talking to her about it and nothing will destroy a relationship faster than not communicating with each other.

Fellows, this situation is going to test how grown up you really are and that’s no joke.  Historically and as I’ve observed, most guys will give their newly discovered bisexual woman a raft of shit about it and go off on her about how things ain’t supposed to be like this and that she should never, ever, need anyone but you and in all things… and I’m going to leave you with something to think about and I’ll apologize for how I say it.

If she wants and needs another woman for that unique emotionality women have, you’re not a woman.  If she wants pussy, you sure as hell don’t have one.  If you think that throwing more dick at her is gonna make this go away, I can assure you that it won’t – not that she won’t appreciate having more sex with you, mind you, but you still can’t give her what she needs in order to, one, be happy and, two – and the most important thing to her – be the woman she needs to be; she knows that she will be a better person and, after all, didn’t you promise or otherwise swear that you’d have her back in anything she wanted to do and provide her with that which she may need?

And if you don’t, what does that say about you?  Even better, what do you think any negativity coming from you is going to make her feel about you?  I can tell you that:  She’s gonna think that you don’t really love her, that you don’t care about what she’s thinking and feeling, and that all you care about is yourself more than you care about her.  She’s gonna think that you didn’t mean anything you said about having her back and no matter what it is she wants to do.

You’re just not the man or person she thought you were… and that, fellas, isn’t a good thing.  I know most guys are of a mind to kill the relationship over this… and more so when, outside of this thing coming up, the relationship has been all that and a bag of chips.  I’ve seen them kick their woman to the curb and regret doing it because they let a good love get away from them when it was in their power to make sure it wouldn’t go anywhere.

But you don’t have to believe anything I’ve said to you here; but I think it would be good for you and your relationship with her if you did and more so if you’re worried about her maybe cheating on you.  You can prevent this… and all you have to do is listen and understand and by all means, get your head out of the gutter!  Don’t let any fears or prejudices you might have stop you from listening to her and if she proposes anything else, keep listening and asking questions with your mind as open as you can manage.

It’s not about you so don’t make it about you – it will send the wrong messages to her.  It’s okay for you to tell her that you don’t believe in this stuff… but it’s not about what you believe even though she needs to know this because it is important to her.

All you really have to do – and should do – is listen and do your best to understand what she’s telling you; every- and anything else is negotiable and chances are she doesn’t want to do anything about this:   She just wants and needs you to listen and understand what’s going on with her and it’s not gonna cost you anything to listen and understand.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Open Relationships and Bisexuality

Seems like I’m on a roll since returning to the site!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

One of the “bad raps” bisexuality gets is how it seems to lead to or, at the least, suggest that an open relationship is in order and there is some sense to this since, um, if you need some same-sex action in your life and you’re not already hooked up with someone like this, the only way you’re gonna get it is to go outside of the relationship or, gasp, invite someone into the existing relationship.

For many, the mere thought of this is enough to make someone have to go change their underwear or make a mad dash to get something to settle their stomach down and, yeah, find themselves kneeling before the Great Porcelain God and paying tribute to Ralph.  Logically, it makes sense, you know, if you’re of a mind to do something about that need your partner has and a need that you’re ill-equipped to handle but as I say – and a lot – logic doesn’t stand a chance against an emotional response and the emotional response to both things usually isn’t good and is very damned potent and powerful and enough to override logic and intelligence.

Now, for relationships where both people are bisexual, eh, this might not be that big of a problem except trying to figure out how to do this and without trashing the relationship in some way and thinking about some preemptive damage control should others find out that, um, you’re not exactly keeping only unto yourselves like you’re supposed to.  The biggest problem and the one that plagues a great many bisexuals is that relationship where one person is bisexual… and the other person isn’t.

And now you find yourself in a position of asking someone who isn’t bisexual, wouldn’t be, whatever, to allow you to do something that breaks most of the rules of monogamy and for a reason that has nothing to do with them.  It’s not easy to put the open relationship on the table even when sexuality isn’t at issue but when it is, well, there’s a reason why a lot of bisexuals who’d benefit from this, more often than not, never say anything about it.

One of the things I tell folks who ask me about this is that one of the biggest things is getting your partner to buy-in to this and if you can’t answer this question:  “What’s in it for me?” you’re hosed before the conversation can go any further.  Given this, if you’re not prepared to offer up whatever your partner might want in return for giving permission, you’re hosed.  If the both of you aren’t willing to sit down and talk about everything in this, you’re hosed.  You see, “open relationship” just doesn’t mean being free to do whatever – it also means being open with each other and in ways that most people wouldn’t dream about being… and I can tell you from personal experience that it’s the most frightening and emotionally painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s an emotional kick in the crotch to find out that you’re not everything your partner will ever want and need.  Not that you’re not good enough or anything like that, mind you, but none of us ever really think about something our partner might need that we can’t do anything about and it’s not our fault that we can’t or, um, if wifey has a need for the special touch of a woman, there ain’t a damned thing her very male husband can do about it.

Being bisexual and getting into an open relationship isn’t impossible – it’s just very damned difficult when, again, one part of the partnership isn’t bisexual.  So… what is really needed?

  1.  You need a plan that covers bringing the whole thing up, what you hope to accomplish, what you need, why you need it, how it’s gonna work and what your partner stands to gain or benefit from this.
  2.  Your communications skills have to be more on-point than ever before and, as part of your plan, be prepared to not only answer a lot of questions – and some of them you won’t be able to anticipate – but be prepared to tell it all from beginning to the present and 100% truthfully while understanding that you’re going to be telling them a lot of things they’re not gonna want to hear.
  3.  You also need your partner to tell it all and be totally honest and open about it because, if they don’t, you won’t be able to answer the “What’s in it for me?” question that is so very important – and telling them, “You’d get a happier wife/husband” is a good, valid, and legit answer… but one that’s not enough to feed the bulldog or cut the mustard.  You have to gird your loins and, in bad form, answer their question with a question:  “What do/would you want?” – and then be prepared to not only hear what they might say but to also deliver it.

See, some folks think that actually doing this is the hard part and make no mistake, it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Those three things I wrote are, without question, the hardest three things to do and more when a lot of the things you’re going to have to reveal are things that, normally, you wouldn’t tell anyone for any reason.  That all by itself is enough to make someone not bring the subject up, that and it’s automatically assumed that the answer is going to be not only no but fuck no, followed by getting read the riot act and/or, sadly, some kind of violence ensuing.

I tell people this and they say, “Well, that means I shouldn’t say anything about it, right?” and to be real, no, it doesn’t because if it’s something that needs to be done and you are confident that the relationship, as a whole, is not only strong enough to handle this but will benefit from it, by all means, speak up.  Or like someone told me a long time ago, “If you don’t toot your own horn,  no one is gonna do it for you.”  Other things – and some I’ve said here already – is if you don’t ask, you won’t know and if you don’t try, you can’t fail and probably the best one I can come up with is that if it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

The downside is the easy way to make it happen is to introduce some unethical infidelity into things – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

One question I’ve heard is, “How do I convince him/her that this is important to me?” and the only answer I can give is, “The best way you can.”  Another is, “What if they don’t wanna hear it?”  Judgement call time – you can leave it alone or, if it really and truly means something to you, “make” them hear it – insist that they hear what’s on your mind and why it is.  My first wife, I have to say, handled this in a very efficient and direct way by telling me, “I’m going to do this whether I have your blessing or not.”  This ultimatum has also been resorted to and no one likes getting punched in the face with one so, to that end, if you find yourself having to do there, you’d better mean it and you’d better be prepared to carry it out; otherwise, it’s just an empty “threat” and one that will be ignored.

Now to the “doing” part.  Now, it can be a bit of a stretch to imagine yourself being intimate with someone else other than your partner but your brain can work that out just fine, well, until you actually have to do it but that’s something else.  In part of your planning to bring this up, I’ve suggested to the person wanting this to imagine one thing, if they can:  Imagine your partner having sex with someone else and if that bakes your noodle, you can get a good idea of how they’re going to react to what you’re thinking about proposing.  Then there’s this:  If that makes you sick to your stomach, find a way to get over it and pretty damned quick because, in a lot of situations and cases I know of – including the one I got bitch-slapped with – the answer to, “What’s in it for me?” is or can be, “You can be free to have sex with anyone you want to…” and, again, you’d better mean this and be prepared to make good on it.

After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander… except when the goose and gander are you and your partner.

See, you have to be able to respond and deal with any objections your non-bisexual partner is guaranteed to bring up, including the obvious fact that married people aren’t supposed to even think about this.  Surprisingly, Dale Carnegie actually wrote a book about how to sell anyone anything and it tell you how anyone can learn to sell air conditioners in hell and ice cubes to an Eskimo… and it actually works because for every objection the other person has, you have a way to, essentially, make it a non-issue.  My favorite is the guy looking a that nice sports car and the salesman asks, “What’s it gonna take for me to put you in this car?” and the guy says, “I dunno – I’d have to talk to my wife about it.”  A legit reason… but the salesman counters with, “Okay, here – use my phone and call her and let’s talk to her!”

You see how it worked?  The reason not to was kicked right to the curb but the not-so-easy part is to be able to keep negating their objections in this but if you’re good at playing the “What If?” game, I’d say you stand a good chance in this.

It’s just not easy and I’m not gonna lie to you or make it seem like it is or should be.  Your argument for this will be more logical than emotional; their response will be more emotional than logical and, again, logic always loses and as indicated by the other person saying these two words:

“Yeah, but…”  That means that, logically and intelligently, they understand what you’re telling them – and the “but” is their emotion-driven response that, strangely, appears to be logical – and it isn’t.

If all of this is making you feel some kind of way – and it ain’t a good way – now you know why a lot of people in need of an open relationship to get the other stuff they need won’t ask for it – it’s too much to think about, too much stuff that has to be done, too much stuff that’s like giving away the store or throwing the baby out with the bath water or, in other words, it’s just not worth the aggravation.  And I say to anyone who feels like this that if your continued mental and physical well-being isn’t worth the aggravation, there’s is something really and seriously wrong with you – and it’s not being bisexual.

The thing is, again, if you don’t ask, you really won’t know how they’ll answer.  Maybe they say no, maybe they won’t – you just cannot ever fail if you never try and if acting on your bisexuality means that much to you, why would you not try?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

I Want to Cheat!!!

Seems to be the common theme in these pages.

I haven’t written about cheating since our early days but with the high influx of comments from readers struggling with desires, urges, thoughts, feelings of cheating I feel it’s time to go over this again.

Let’s look at this from several angels.

#1- You cheat. Your spouse doesn’t find out. You win…or do you?

What’s done in the dark will come to the light. Maybe in softly spoken words in your sleep, an open, forgotten, unattended email account, a phone record, a text message, a smell, a look, an anything that can shatter your world in a millisecond can happen. Do you really want to risk your partner finding out one day…potentially?

If you’re willing to cheat also ask yourself are you ready to lose EVERYTHING you’ve built with your spouse?

Are you ready to change where you live, your friends, how your children see you, how your family sees you, how people at your place of worship will view you?

Are you ready to turn your whole life upside down because YOU ruined your marriage by cheating?

#2 You don’t cheat. You don’t tell your partner how you feel either. You become distant, you daydream, you late night internet search, you watch porn, you fantasize about your bisexual desires while having sex with your partner. Your partner notices the rift between you two, you refuse to talk about it now the rift becomes a chasm and shit gets tense in your marriage.

Why not talk about it?

How will your life change if you do talk about it?

Will talking about it yield a better possible outcome than not talking about it?

If you do talk about it how could your life improve?

If you don’t continue to talk about it will not talking about it make your bisexuality any less real?

Will your silence slowly dwindle your desires or secretly fuel them even more?

#3 You decide to talk about it and…

All hell breaks loose. Your partner can’t deal, your marriage is threatened and you feel you’ve made the worst mistake ever by opening your big mouth. In all reality, if your partner can’t love you for who you are the real question isn’t your bisexuality or your love for your partner, it’s your partner’s love for you. Nobody says your partner has to accept you sleeping with other people but your partner should love you enough to hear you out, respect your feelings and be willing to have a decent conversation about what you’re going through. If not you need to ask yourself are you really happy with someone you can’t talk to about your truest feelings?

OR

Your spouse listens. Your spouse asks questions. You and your spouse discuss options that fit your marriage best. You take your time and work things out and your marriage improves for the understand you’ve built.

There are SO MANY ways the conversation could go. You know your spouse, you know you. You know your relationship. You know your level of communication and understanding with your spouse.

Either way it goes, it’s wrong to cheat.

You know it, that’s why you haven’t done it yet.

You also know nothing good comes of cheating in the long run.

Cheating only yields immediate satisfaction, but then what?

Think about the ‘then what’ part.

Play the whole thing out, including the part where your spouse finds out, before you do anything at all.

Are you okay with the way the story ends?

-Jay Dee, Founder

Personal Identity, Labels & Relationships

As of late I have been supporting youth in my personal life with a wide diversity of bisexuality.

I decided to share some of these complex relationship situations because it’s always ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to me the many varying possibilities for bisexuality/bicurious/bierotic/pansexual/queer expressionism/etc.

One is ultra feminine, dates young men and secretly has “best friends” that are just as feminine. She considers herself straight…outwardly. She has a baby, is engaged and living with a male.

The other has a masculine presentation, identifies as a Lesbian, not trans, and dated other women with masculine presentation most of her life. Most of her life she’s spent dispelling the label Trans because of her Androgynous appearance. She is currently pregnant, living with and engaged to a cis gender male after being secretly involved for the past few years.

The third is a young male who identifies as gay, is very masculine but has feminine tendencies. He has a daughter and has dated girls in the past. He works hard to hide his sexuality from those who don’t know him. He is in a long term relationship with a male but lives with a Lesbian identified roommate folks suspect is more than a roommate.

In each of these situations ‘bisexual’ is a bad word. Not because they don’t ‘feel’ bisexual but because in the worlds they live in, it’s not okay to BE bisexual.

The ‘Lesbian’ was petrified of social crucifixion when she ‘came out’ with her ‘hetero’ relationship. She was pressured to change her gender presentation by her fiance, struggles with self identity, and tends to be generally unhappy in her long term relationship with a male. She’s ‘not herself’ since her transition out of her ‘Lesbian’ lifestyle, despite being ‘happy’, ‘in love’ and building a family with the opposite gender, living the life she was ‘expected’ to lead. She’s grown away from most of her ‘friends’, doesn’t have much of a social life anymore and is normally ‘bored’ where she was once very socially active.

The Ultra Feminine Mom wouldn’t dare openly admit her sexuality, even in the face of those who know her sexuality, and her female partners. It’s a secret until the secret has been exposed time and time again, then reluctantly but with surety she will selectively admit she’s bisexual to the persistent inquirer. She hides her sexuality, guarded under the guise of privacy…but bisexual must be a bad word in her world if she can’t say it to even those who know.

Last but not least is a tricky situation. The Young Male is bisexual. He knows he’s bisexual, will admit with a bit of questioning he is bisexual but he cringes at the thought of calling himself anything other than gay. He has had relationships with females, he has a child. He’s also in a long term committed relationship with a male, has lived with his ‘Lesbian’ roommate for a few years as well. In  his world bisexual is a bad word too. He can’t be bisexual, he’s gay…but he lusts for women and wouldn’t mind ‘a taste every now and then.’

Now, for myself. I am married to a cis gender male am a mother of 5 biological children. From age 13-18 I wore primarily masculine presentation, from 18-29 I was on a spiritual journey. From 29-present I wear primarily feminine clothing and some days I feel trapped in a gender presentation that is just not me, but is required of me due to my position in life. I generally prefer females but due to religious beliefs I chose to marry a man. I have been engaged to 2 females in my past. I am still madly in love with a woman I can’t have after 6 years of her in my heart, only 1 in my life, but that’s another story. Most days I feel masculine but I wear feminine clothing. I feel like I should have been born a male; but I am a very feminine woman grateful to have been born an attractive cis gender female.

My husband is a balance of masculine and feminine equally which is why he’s my husband. 🙂 He’s that perfect blend. My mother says I’m a repressed Lesbian trapped into heterosexual life due to religious beliefs. After much introspection I tend to believe she’s partially correct…but not wholly because I still love intimacy & even relationships with men. If I didn’t have such strong religious beliefs I’d be married to a woman with a male lover in my life most likely. I’m bisexual, not a Lesbian.

I have no social life due to the demands of family. I’d love to have female friends to hang out with, a girlfriend to have more with…I have no social life because hetero wives and mothers couldn’t understand my sexual identity as bisexual but married to a man, or my masculine gender presentation on some days. Lesbians don’t welcome bisexual women at all in the community I know. Bisexual wives and mothers are hard to find.

In all these cases that are very close to home I observe just how being bisexual can be so complex, especially to those who’s lives revolve around one particular identity. Despite what one feels inside it’s like society dictates what is okay and what is not okay to be. Where we belong is contingent upon what we identify as which can grow and change at times causing our lives to change in ways we may not necessarily want for ourselves.

All of us wish we could have our ideal lives. All of us wish being bisexual was easier, wish we could be ourselves, but for so many reasons we feel like we can’t be, it’s not okay to be, it’s not possible to be…true to ourselves.

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling the Urge

There’s this guy I’ve been mentoring who has “recently” given into his bi side and, well, he’s been having the expected field day exploring things with men that, in his words, he never thought he’d wind up doing.  In a way, he did things kinda like I did them – started doing the dirt but then asked himself what the heck was he doing.  He read my blog one day, asked a question or two, and now he’s studying “Bisexuality 2.0” with me and we’ve been discussing bisexual philosophy and addressing some of his concerns, i.e., still feeling that urge to settle down with a woman, have some babies, but still wanting to explore his burgeoning sexual urges for men.

There are a lot of guys like my student and it does create a dilemma or two, beginning with finding a woman who is (a) gonna be cool with their bisexuality and (b) would allow her new beau to continue with his physical explorations.  My protege and I have talked about this for hours on end, which has had us exploring monogamy and all of its fallacies and pitfalls and how they impact a bisexual man who is looking for and needing the love of a good woman and all the perks therein.

He feels… weird, he tells me; he’s starting to see where a few of his male lovers are beginning to feel something more than lust for him and while he’s doing well in getting used to this, he feared that he was losing his desire for women and that his urge to settle down with the right woman would become a distant memory.  I assured him that unless he was really latently gay, he doesn’t have anything to worry about unless, of course, he can’t find the woman who will both love and lay that good stuff on him like it’s gonna be illegal tomorrow, but who will also understand his need to step to the side at times and satisfy that urge to be with a man.

Sometimes, he’s angry; like all of us does, he understands the heteronormative agenda and its adherence to monogamy and he’s emailed me with missives that I wish I could share with you here – he pretty much goes off on our morality and seriously questions the logic of people staying true to something that, in the here and now, has no place in human interactions and the blind obedience to a set of standards that haven’t changed in two thousand years even though humans, as a species, continue to evolve and with a different mindset about love, sex, relationships and, now, sexuality.

My Padawan learner is pretty damned intelligent; he sees the inherent difficulties bi men have when it comes to having a loving relationship with a woman and, as I do, calls for a major shift  in our thinking where monogamy and sexuality are concerned, that we need to shed the moral chains that serve no real purpose than to keep us from realizing our potential when it comes to love and sex.

He talks to me about how he feels about his interactions with men, how he  feels more alive now that he ever has before but how he fears, at times, that his new-found love for cock will replace his urges to pound a woman into unconscious bliss; in a recent email, he even felt that he was developing a sex addiction but realizes that, “…the knocking down of serious psychosocial barriers has brought with it a multiplier effect of sexual hunger across the board.”

Bi guys who are currently in a relationship or looking to have a woman by his side could learn a lot from this guy.  He’s kinda scary because he gets on his soapbox and sounds almost exactly like I do when I pull mine out and start on the subjects of sexuality and relationships and, no, I don’t think he’s been influenced by my mindset – he just sees the light and can now see things in a way that’s similar to how I’ve seen them for many decades now.

He doesn’t deny his sexuality, doesn’t downplay his need for cock; he recognizes that biological need to be very intimate with women and do the husband thing but also recognizes that emotional attachments to men are also possible.  Personally, I don’t see him settling down with a good man – he loves women too much – but as a “teacher,” I am thrilled with how well he’s handling something that a lot of men have issues with – and in a relatively short period of time.  He dove into the deep end just over two years ago and, wow, he’s gained almost a full understanding of the whole ball of wax in this short period of time and as compared to the length of time it took me to really get it, which was just about ten years to see the truth of things.

His acceptance of all of this should inspire other bi men to embrace their sexuality and then make it work in all aspects of their lives and I’ve shared some of what I know about this man to hold him up as an example so that others can see that being bisexual isn’t as big of a problem as it appears to be.

Oh, yeah, he’s told me – and in no uncertain terms – that the two of us will meet… and he’s going to eat me alive and I believe it’s safe to say that he’s gonna do this before we continue his “lessons” in male bisexuality.  When I told my wife about him, she laughed at this “notification of intent” but gave me props for taking him in hand and explaining to him what he needs to know about this.

All Things Being Unequal…

I was just reminded of something that’s rather important if you’re bisexual and in a relationship or you’re hooked up with a bisexual… and even if both of you are bisexual.  See, life, for the most part, is about balance or things being equal and more so when we’re talking about relationships.  There is a misconception that if you’re bisexual (or think you are, you know the rest), then you “obviously” like men and women equally, that your attractions are magically a 50-50 affair and, I’m guessing, because of the “bi” prefix.

And that’s so far from the truth it stopped being funny the first time someone assumed that bisexuals behave like this.  Yes, there are bisexuals who manage to have fully equal interest in men and women but that’s not how most bisexuals behave and, of course, the devil’s in the details.

If you’re wondering about your sexuality, trying to explain it to someone, or trying to get your head around the announced fact that your partner is bisexual, please do everyone a favor – don’t assume that this is a 50-50 thing and that if you feel such-and-such for a man, then you have to feel the exact and equal thing for a woman… and then stop thinking of bisexuality in terms of percentages altogether; it’ll save you from a lot of stress when trying to quantify something that’s not so easy to reduce to just mere numbers.

Bisexuality represents a fluid state in overall human sexuality, maybe in the middle of the road, maybe not and this can be seen with the legendary Kinsey scale which goes from zero to six with zero being totally heterosexual and six being totally homosexual.  So, yeah, it’s easy to assume that bisexuals “have” to be a three on the scale and just leave it at that, right?

No, not really.  I can tell you (if you didn’t know) that while I’m bisexual, I do happen to be attracted to women more than men… most of the time; I know that I don’t like men in the same way I like women and I don’t even like men for the same reason I like women – and that depends on where my thoughts and feelings are at any given moment and, yes, I do mean that literally.  It may sound that I’m all over the place about this but this serves to illustrate that you just can’t look at what a bisexual might do in order to “nail down” any sense of equality in this since a lot of being bisexual actually takes place inside one’s head.

All things being unequal, bisexuality isn’t about liking one more than the other; one of the arguments I’ve heard about this has been about the bisexual partner being asked about (or accused of) liking same-sex stuff more than opposite sex stuff; I’ve seen the bisexual in question appear to be totally confused while trying to respond to this and it’s assumed that they either don’t know… or the “accusation” is true when, in fact, even I have a hard time trying to quantify my bisexuality, not because I don’t know but simply because I just cannot ascribe a “number” to how I might be thinking and feeling at any given moment.

Which is why when people ask me if I like men or women more than the other, my answer usually is, “It depends.” When I’m asked if I like men or women – and the question is really asking if I’m really gay or I’m really straight and there’s some confusion going on here – my usual answer is, “Yes.”  If there is a balance here, some numbers game, it’s that I like men and women but if you wanna try to quantify this any further, well, pack breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few snacks; bring something for a headache, too, while you’re at it because trying to explain how unequal all of this is will take a long time.

If sexuality truly isn’t just “black and white” and bisexuality is in that gray area in between these two “extremes,” um, it might help to understand that bisexuality isn’t really as static as being straight or gay can be because, at any given moment, a bisexual guy could be all about other men… or all about women… or just sliding up and down the scale and all depending on what they’re feeling and thinking at any given moment.  I see people using the Kinsey scale to say they’re a two or a three and maybe even a four and I’m thinking that a lot of them establishing this “default” behavior is based on what they’d do about their thoughts and feeling and, in a way, that kinda makes sense because knowing where you are on the scale gives some inner stability and definition.

But, on the real, bisexuals are just as fluid in their thoughts and feelings as they are in their actions if/when the clothes come off and, as such, trying to ascribe some sense of equality can be a fruitless endeavor.  It’s this author’s opinion that because of this fluidity, it makes understanding bisexuality rather difficult for a lot of people so it’s easier for them to create a 50-50 stability point than it is to get their head around the complexities that live in a bisexual’s head from one moment to the next… and that, my friends, isn’t the way to understand or even pin down exactly what makes a bisexual tick.

You should try to understand that what makes us tick isn’t all about getting naked and freaky and more so since there are a lot of bisexuals who, in fact, have never had any of the sex that’s possible and for whatever reason that may apply to them.  If you understand that a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings are in a constant state of flux, trying to play the numbers game with sexuality is a terribly difficult thing to do – even for those who are comfortable with their bisexuality; I could tell you right now that I’m 95% for women, 5% for men and, mere seconds from now, be of a totally different – and unequal – frame of mind on the matter.

If I were to advise someone about how to examine bisexuality, I might suggest that one’s time and effort be directed more in the direction of understanding why they’re bisexual or how they’re bisexual if that’s applicable… but not assuming that there’s some implied equality going on with this; even if you’re bisexual, you’d probably make yourself insane trying to do this.  And, yes, if this all sounds horribly complicated, you’re right – it is and more so since a lot of what makes a bisexual the way they is intangible, meaning, there are no words (or anything else) than can describe or define things in this.

Your time would be better spent on accepting that you or your partner is bisexual, that they feel some kind of way about men and women and then going on about your relationship in the best way possible.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author, Overly Enthusiastic Bisexual, and Wearer of Other Hats