I thought I’d stop by and write something… encouraging. As you may know, I am bisexual; been this way pretty much all of my life and, as such, I’ve learned a lot of things about love, sex, and relationships that are… unconventional, non-traditional, maybe even off the beaten track – and certainly some things that can make a lot of people quite nervous. Bisexuality is the great big elephant in the room; we know it’s there but we want – choose – to ignore it and not so much because it cannot be reasoned that this sexuality aspect can have far-reaching benefits but, mainly and mostly, we’re overly worried about what others will think of us should it become known that we’re just not as straight as “everyone” else is.
I am aware of the plight many bisexuals face, both men and women and while single bisexuals have “issues,” bisexuals in a relationship are, in fact, in the worst imaginable situation. As I sat down to write this, I was thinking about a woman I was talking to many years ago who had discovered her bisexuality but, like a lot of women, hooked up with a guy who didn’t believe in such things. She had asked me, “If you were my man, how would you handle this?” And this is how I answered her.
If you were my woman and you told me, I found out, or even suspected that you were bisexual, the first thing I’d want to do is sit down with you to talk about it and since I’m the kind of guy who needs all the information available in order to offer opinions, make decisions, etc., the more you can tell me about this, the better. Now, I know – and can easily guess – that there are probably some things about this that you’re gonna find embarrassing or you’re afraid I’m gonna rip your head off for this so I want to assure you that, one, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I give you my word of honor that I’m not going to jump all in your ass about this. One, there’s no reason to and, two, well, that behavior just doesn’t work. I’m not going to accuse you of any impropriety and, again, being the type of person I am, just because you’re thinking about something like this doesn’t mean you’re gonna run out and do whatever you were thinking. I’d want you to be comfortable talking to me about this because this is about you… and I’m about you as well; what bothers you bothers me and what makes you happy makes me happy, okay?
I had said this much to the woman and I had her undivided attention. She asked, “So, you wouldn’t be all bent out of shape if I told you I like women?”
“No; who am I to say who you’re supposed to like and not like?” I replied. “What I would ask is how much do you like women and in what ways you do.”
“Just like that?” she asked.
“Just like that,” I said. “I want you to keep in mind, as we talk about this, that I’m not your run of the mill guy and that I both see and understand a lot of things differently, okay?”
She nodded, took a deep breath, and “went for the jugular” by asking, “So if I told you I wanted to sleep with my best friend, that wouldn’t bother you?”
“Wouldn’t bother me in the least bit,” I said honestly.
“Why not?” she asked.
“You’re my woman… but I don’t own you; I can ask you not to do this or that but you will always have the final say, right? Grownup enough to make your own decisions about things? I ain’t the boss of you and all that?” I said.
“But I would ask you, because it’s important, why you want to sleep with her. I’d ask you to start at the beginning and tell me everything, you know, depending on how comfortable you are.” I said.
“What would you want to know?” she asked.
“Everything. From the first time the thought crossed your mind up to and including anything you may have done, how close you came to doing something, stuff like that?” I answered.
“What if I don’t wanna tell you?” she asked.
“You don’t have to but if you don’t, you’re not helping me to understand what’s going on with you; remember, everything that affects you will ultimately affect me. So if you wanna invoke the Fifth Amendment, I have no choice but to be good with that; I can’t make you say anything, can I?”
“Where have you been all of my life?” she asked. “But what if I don’t believe you’re not gonna ‘kick my ass’ because I’ve told you this?”
“Then you don’t believe me,” I said with a shrug. “And, no, I don’t know what I could do or say to make you believe me. Look, I’m your man and my ‘job’ is not only to make and keep you happy but to also do whatever I can do toward that goal. That being said, if I don’t own you and ain’t the boss of you, how can I make you believe me if you don’t want to?”
“Shit… are there any more like you at home?” she asked.
“Nope,” I said with a laugh of my own.
“Why would you let me sleep with my best friend?” she asked.
“Because you want to and I’m assuming your best friend would love to get you naked as well,” I said.
“No other reason than that?” she asked.
“Is there any other reason?” I asked.
“What’s in it for you?” she asked. “You gonna want to sleep with both of us?”
“In that order, nothing other than you being happy. Would I want to sleep with the both of you? Honestly? What guy wouldn’t? Still, this ain’t about what I would want – this is about what you want and if, by chance, the two of you invited me, well, I’m not gonna turn down the invite; I don’t believe in being in something that you don’t or wouldn’t want me being in.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re too good to be true?” she asked.
“More times than I care to think about. Again, you don’t have to believe me and yeah, I do know what it’s like to be with a woman who likes women; it’s why I can answer you the way I am – been there, done that and, importantly, I know the right way to handle this.”
“Well, shit,” she said. “Your woman likes women?”
“She does,” I said.
“And you let her sleep with women?”
“Yes, although ‘let her’ isn’t the right phrase; she wanted to, made a case why she should be allowed to, and I agreed with it,” I said.
“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.
“At first it did but I got over it,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I know about every woman she’s ever slept with.”
“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna dump you for a woman?” she asked.
“Yeah but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there? I like to say that it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in a relationship and you can lose someone just as fast and as easily as you were able to hook up with them in the first place,” I said. “All I can do is ask her to reconsider things but if she doesn’t want to, well, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”
“Was that hard for you to accept?” she asked.
“Very much so; this situation is some eye-opening shit,” I replied. “But, if my ‘job’ is to make and keep her happy, I felt I didn’t have any choice but to accept the potential for losing her to someone else; no one wants to really think about that but you gotta face the reality of things.”
“So, if I were your woman and I wanted to sleep with other women, you’d be all for it?” she asked.
“Sure, why not? It would make you happy and your happiness would spread to me, wouldn’t it?” I asked.
“What if I told you that I’d already slept with my best friend? Would that change your attitude?” she asked, giving me a daring kind of look.
“No, not really; you can’t do shit about something that has already happened,” I said. “I might be… miffed that you didn’t mention that until now but at least I understand why you didn’t. But I can overlook that so I could ask you a question.”
“What would that be?” she asked.
“Did you have fun with her?” I asked.
“For real?” she asked.
“Well, if we’re now talking about something you actually did, yeah – the question is still valid, isn’t it?” I asked.
“It was all that and then some,” she said. “My man, well, he don’t know about that… but if you were my man and I told you I’d already slept with her – and more than once – you’d still be good with it?”
“I would be; you act like I really have a choice in the matter,” I said. “What matters, since we’re now having this conversation – all late and wrong – is what do you wanna do going forward and how do you see it affecting our relationship? Big changes? Little ones? Nothing to write home to mom about? I can’t answer these kinds of questions and I’d have rely on you to tell me what the deal is going forward… and if you’re even gonna go forward.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I love you; what other reason is there?” I asked. “See, I had this happen to me and it made me rethink what being in love with someone really meant; a lot of people have a lot of stuff they won’t do just for the sake of love… but this? I can do this. Besides – and now I’m talking real life – I know something your man probably doesn’t.”
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Crudely, if it’s pussy you want and need, he doesn’t have one,” I said. “There is nothing he can do about it and I’m thinking that while he probably screws you pretty good, it’s not enough for you, right?”
“Right,” she said after taking a long moment to answer.
“If you were my woman, well, I’d be aware of that already but it doesn’t change my job, which is to do whatever I can to make and keep you happy, does it?” I asked. “You need something I can’t give you because, duh, I don’t have it. Now, I could forbid you to get it… but that’s more likely to make you go get it anyway since, you remember, I ain’t the boss of you. But, if I said it was okay with me for you to have it, would that be something you’d be interested in? Am I losing anything? If we’re talking about us having sex, I’m thinking that now that you’re getting the other stuff you need, I’m gonna be getting more of it, too, right?”
“And if you weren’t?” she asked.
“Well, we’d need to talk about that,” I said, with a laugh. “Because, you know, you are kinda hot and desirable…”
“Boy, stop playing!” she said, taking a playful swipe at me. “Man, you’re seriously for-real about this, aren’t you?”
“I am… because I have to be since I’m bisexual, too,” I said.
“Get out!” she exclaimed. “So you know about dick like I do?”
“You betcha,” I said. “That all by itself is reason to rethink a lot of things in a relationship but, again, this ain’t about me – this is about you and what you need; we can talk about what I might need at some other time, you know, if I were really your man.”
“Shit… I wish you really were; my life would be so much easier and better. Hey, do you think I could convince you to leave your lady?”
“Probably not, but I appreciate the offer,” I said.
The conversation ended and as she walked away, I was hoping that she could reason with her man and that he’d be able to see that in this, his life with her just might be better if he were okay with her having what she needs for her happiness. I don’t know what happened with them although I could have called her and asked her; maybe it worked out, maybe she never mentioned it to him or let him know what, apparently, she was already doing with her best friend.
If you love her as much as you say you do, why would you not give her the happiness she wants and needs? It ain’t about you… but it could affect you in some very bad ways to deprive her of that which she needs – and in addition to what she needs from you.
KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual