Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That ¬†says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.

Marriage.

I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved ūüôā

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females¬†see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s ¬†no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS…

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE WITH WEDDING RINGS ON FLIRTING…OR ATTEMPTING TO?

 

 

 

What Does It All Mean?

Have you watched television recently? Have you listened to any news? Have you seen the world shift?

I have.

Queer, Gay, Lesbian is all around us. There are rainbows everywhere in the North East.

There are rainbows outside of businesses, in commercials, in cartoons for children…being Gay is okay today.

Is it okay to be bisexual now too?

Well, that depends on what you classify bisexual as, who you’re asking, what gender presentation you have, what gender your partner is…and the list goes on.

Huh? I thought Bisexual meant Bisexual and that’s that if I say that’s what I am.

There have been new letters added to the standard LGBT…now there’s QAI.

Politicians, Organizations, Grants, Funding, Professionals have all focused the spotlight on LGBTQAI Rights. There’s been a long standing movement that has moved many things, and created today’s ‘Queer friendly’ America.

It’s okay to be Transgender, it’s okay to be a Trans Youth today. Those who share their experiences are heralded as heroes and brave souls.

Ten, twenty years ago men were publicly shamed for being ¬†cross dressers. I was a teen when RuPaul came along and changed that perspective. Still her presence didn’t change societal perception at that time. From then to now it has been a journey for Trans Rights.

What does that mean to those of us who don’t live a lifestyle that includes all the changes the world has made?

What does that mean to those of us who could NEVER come out as anything other than straight, other than a mom, a teacher, a wife, a husband, a role model?

What does that mean when we’re surrounded by people who DO NOT accept the progression of the LGBTQAI movement in America?

What does all of this mean for those of us who don’t even know what LGBTQAI means!?!?

Well…

There is a movement of people who have chosen this field of work (LGBTQAI Rights/Advocacy) to advance efforts to balance injustices in society. Those who fought for the basic right to exist in our own skins without prejudice, discrimination, stigma & violence.

I was one of those people who fought for the right to hold my girlfriend…and boyfriend’s hand in public, at the same time, without fear.

I wasn’t sure if I was Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual. I didn’t know if I was a freak like most of society said I was or a sexual deviant like I ¬†thought I was. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a boy or I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body because I liked girls and wearing boys clothes or if I was still a girl and just a tomboy! I wasn’t sure if one day I’d catch a ‘gay disease’ and God would send me into a pit of burning brimstones because I was an abomination or not.

There was a movement of people way back before my mom could figure out her sexual identity, who were helping people work these kinds of questions out. They figured out what to call sets of preferences and behaviors so they could gain understanding from people who oppressed those¬†with ‘alternative sexualities’.

I learned from the people who taught the world about LGBT at a young age, from the 2nd/3rd generation of LGBT folks in NYC:

L stood for Lesbian. Girls who liked girls and didn’t like boys were Lesbians. G stood for Gay, that meant a boy who liked boys and not girls. Then there was Bisexual, they were nasty, confused, slutty and just liked to have sex with everyone because they had sex with boys and girls. T stood for Transgender which was a new word being implemented in replacement of Drag Queens & Cross Dressers. They were not really a presence but more so a known entity. They were men who dressed and emulated women. I didn’t see them around The Center much (where I learned all this), but I saw them coming and going to and from clubs in the West Village.

Society condemned Us all to hell fire and brimstones, considered us a risk to public health, the institution of family and saw us as a threat to future generations/human evolution and population.

This was back in the 90’s.

Since then, the culture has changed. More and more people joined the movement for equality and fair treatment, new generations became involved, schools of thought progressed, things began to change over time with lots of boots to the ground fighting for progression. In an effort to teach the world we are not the horrible creatures ‘Old Society’ made Us out to be We began to define things, make things clear to folks.

Over time, scholars of the LGBT lifestyles were born, they were the elders from and on the front lines who taught those of Us behind them about who and what we are.

Language changed, ‘clearly’ defined labels for each set of sexual behaviors were laid out for society¬†to understand.

People were beginning to be labeled because they needed to be & wanted to be. We wanted to understand ourselves so we put ourselves into boxes that looked like what we felt like on the inside and sometimes that box would change for some. Sometimes they stay in one box.

In today’s climate defining who/what you are/labeling yourself is still as difficult as it was in the 90’s when an definition other than heterosexual was unacceptable. Now there’s so many labels how do I know which one fits me?

Why do I need a label? Why do I have to wear a title?

What if it’s all not that clear cut and easy for me?

Good question…why do you?

I’m not ‘The Powers That Be’ in LGBTQAI politics nor am I a major decision maker in policy for the National LGBTQAI Community.

I do know that labels are given importance in ways I’m not necessarily comfortable with.

What Gender Queer means to me, may mean Bisexual Tomboy to you, but Bisexual Tomboy may mean TransMale to someone else.

Huh you say again!?!?!

It’s all a bit much right?

Many of the visitors here are folks searching for others like themselves. Defining themselves, questioning themselves.

It’s hard to decide what box to get into. Sometimes labels make it harder.

Saying ‘ I’m Bisexual’ can be a loaded statement. What kind of bisexual?

IS IT FINALLY OKAY TO BE BISEXUAL TOO since society has ‘progressed’ so much?

Can we say that out loud without fear of prejudice, discrimination and violence as mothers, teachers, husband’s, wives, role models in today’s society…finally? Are GenderQueer, Queer, Pansexual, Fluid more acceptable labels/boxes than Bisexual and why? What’s the difference between all those and don’t they all mean the same thing?¬†

Uuuugh! So many questions!

BUT, there is a movement of people who work tirelessly to help figure out all this confusion within Us.

They are the tireless Advocates, the front liners, the behind the scenes folks that work hard to create diversity in labeling to bring clarity to those who may not understand who We are or who They are in themselves.

These Advocates helped build the society We live in today.

In a society filled with all kinds of so called ways to ‘fit in’ labels are another way of identifying who we are and where we belong-as is human/animal nature.

For the record LGBTQAI stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Asexual/Ally (heterosexual supporter) and Intersex (Someone who’s reproductive organs/sex organs are not categorized as exclusively male or exclusively female.).

So what does that mean to those of Us who don’t wave rainbow flags and show off who and what we are…?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who are still unsure of what box we fit into if any?

What does this stuff mean for those of Us who lead ‘straight’ lives and don’t feel we fit into ANY box?

What does all of this mean to those of Us who could care less about all this stuff?

I’m still trying to figure that out. (I am a flag waving Out Loud & Proud kinda chick…but most of you aren’t…)

 

Can you tell me how society’s progression has helped you feel more clarity surrounding your own life?¬†

Do you feel it’s okay to BE BISEXUAL and a human in a long term relationship in today’s society?

PLEASE COMMENT BELOW, I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR FEEDBACK!

-Jay Dee, Founder

I asked…

I was patient, I didn’t settle, I asked…and She’s here.

Like I said in previous articles I barely have time for myself. I live in New York City where it’s always hustle and bustle just to get by. Very expensive city and the rat race is real here.

My husband and I hit the bed late every night, exhausted. We have no time/energy/money for dates or vacations. We have a family growing exponentially and rapidly. We’ve even halted our own fertility process because our blended family is branching out and things/situations¬†always come back to mom, and dad.

We have no children together and have been trying for about 5 years to conceive. I was scheduled for a fertility procedure that may have given us our dream of having a child together just this past Tuesday.¬†Due to the recovery time, new and unexpected career opportunities¬†(like literally as soon as 2016 came in) and the kids having kids we’re just really rethinking the best time, if any, to have a child together.

Our life has been non stop family issues from day one. Blending older children into a new family is not easy. Raising older children is not easy. We were students in our last year of college working on our second careers when we met. Finally this year we’ve been able to pursue our careers after 5 years.

When we met I was with Her. I loved Her. Really couldn’t imagine Her not being in my life. She’s as goal focused, mature, responsible, driven and motivated as I am to get where She wants to be in Her life. I love her so much for that. She’s younger than I am, but just as focused. She’s down to earth, so beautiful inside and out.

After a time She was no longer in my life. I tried to replace Her. Didn’t work. I accepted there would never be another Her, I left well enough alone and just lived with¬†missing Her.

With the start of this year, after much heartache and pain, She has entered my life again. ūüėÄ

Our schedules are off a few hours. She has much more time to herself than I do. She lives in a rural area now. She has earlier hours than I do, gets off much earlier than I do. By the time I’m done working after I get home from work (working on presentations, books, etc), I’m beat. I do my best to make time at least a few times a week, I do love the girl, but work and family are so exhausting I’m half sleep by the time we talk most times.

We’ve never been long distance before and it drives me crazy to text and call her knowing I can’t see her.

I don’t want to talk to her on the phone when I’m exhausted.

I want to see her.

Smell her.

See her laugh, not just hear her voice.

I want to eat dinner with her, watch her mother her children (she’s such an amazing mom!)…

There’s so much we both want. But we’re married. She’s taking it slow with her husband, easing him into the idea that we could happen without jeopardizing our marriages.

My husband is very supportive of us, he knows what we have together first hand. He witnessed our bond and he hopes we have the opportunity to have dinner with her and her husband one day to discuss the possibility of her and I. So do I. She says she needs time. I say take as long as you need to.

True love never dies…

Because I have the utmost respect for her marriage I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize a happy home. It’s all in her time, with his permission, or it won’t happen. ¬†I don’t know if I’ll see her again, or not. He may not allow her to have a friend she’s intimate with, someone else she says I love you to at the end of a long day. She’s never been married to a man and in a relationship with a female before. She’s a one woman/man kind of girl. She expressed she’s concerned it may be too much for her. I know how real and deep her love is. She doesn’t want to do anything to disrupt her home in any way,¬†I understand.

We will see in due time what happens, if anything. 

For now, with even better opportunities before me in the coming weeks I’m struggling with loving Her from a distance, being overwhelmed with my children having children back to back (one in Nov, one in Dec, one any day now) and new professional responsibilities.

This is what my BiWifeLife looks like today.

I’ll keep you all posted with Her and I. I can only hope the Universe is kind enough to me to bring her fully back into my life.

I miss her so much.

She is the only woman I know of for me…

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

Ask And Ye May Receive…

Two weeks ago SHE, my HER, the one I loved and lost, walked right back into my life and threw my heart into a whirl wind. 

She’s married now. She’s monogamous now.

She’s a dedicated mother-to his child now. She lives VERY far away now.

But she’s here now.

Shit. ūüė¶ ūüôā ???

This is the woman I loved and lost. The woman that makes my heart flutter when I think about her, the one that my dreams are literally made of, the one who’s voice makes me happy, who’s smell I clearly remember years later…the woman I would have married…if I could have.

I don’t believe in marrying a woman for myself due to religious beliefs but I DO NOT discriminate on other’s beliefs. To each his/her own. Each person has their own personal beliefs.

My beliefs wouldn’t let me marry Her. So I married Him.

He’s not second best in the least, he wasn’t my second choice. He was my first and only choice…in a man.

She was my first and only choice of women.

She couldn’t deal with the idea of being in a polyamourous relationship.

She believes in devoted monogamy.

She wanted us to love each other until the end of time, just her and I, and I wanted to so bad.

I could have rode off into the sunset with her on any given day…but I couldn’t be with just her.

I am bisexual.

I am not a lesbian.

I am not heterosexual.

I love men.

I love women.

I always think about what life would be like had I married her…

His step-daughter, ¬†soon to be legally adopted daughter, would be my stepdaughter. The woman I love would be wearing my ring, not his. I wouldn’t have the beautiful and growing family I have today. I wouldn’t have the wonderful husband I searched 20 years for today. I would have her laughter, her touch, the smell of her in my bed when I woke up for work in the morning, not just the memory of her. I wouldn’t have the many glorious moments my husband and I have shared since our first date. I’d have a woman who I know would love me until the end of time as long as I loved her the same.

Since we’ve connected again we talk by phone, we text. I am grateful to just hear her voice again, look forward to her calls, her texts. ūüôā

We talked about our past, how we split and where this may go, if anywhere, from here.

Her and I are a lot alike…

I’m no cheater or homewrecker. Neither is she.

We both have husbands, who know of our connection and prior relationship.

I respect her marriage as she respects¬†the boundaries of mine. Her husband is a lucky man and I respect all the hard work he’s put into making the woman I love happy. That’s what counts to me, that she’s happy.¬†

I don’t know if I’m capable of being just her friend. But I’ll sure try my best just to have the smallest things about her in my life. Only thing is, I feel like I can’t be with another woman while she’s anywhere remotely near my Universe. It’s already been a challenge putting her out of my heart and moving on.

She is the only female planet I want to live on, but there may be no oxygen for me to live in her world right now.

While I’m struggling to find another woman to replace what her and I had, I know I’m trying to do¬†just that.¬†Find someone to replace her, when she just can’t be replaced.

New Year, new situations that’s for sure.

What does the New Year have in store?

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

New Year, New ______?

I think that’s what at the forefront of everyone’s minds the first couple weeks of January, what is this year going to be like?

This year is going be whatever you make it.

ūüėÄ

Life has it’s unexpected happenings but for whatever we aren’t in control of, we are in control of our own choices and decisions as well as how we react to the situations we encounter through the year.

I’m no peaceful guru. I go through stuff. I stress, although I work hard not to. This year I’m making an even more conscious effort to eliminate stress¬†out of my life but how practical is that really?

I birthed 5 children who are all ages 15-22 at present. My two oldest are engaged, one just gave birth about 3 weeks ago, the other is due any day. They are not fully self sufficient. Each kid has their own set of young adult issues I have to deal with. My husband and I work our asses off to live in the Greatest City in the World but never seem to have time or expendable money for ourselves. The cost of living is astronomical here.

Add being a bisexual married woman to the equation things can be a bit overwhelming. When do I have time for me? For the things I want? Being an involved mother, a dedicated wife, a Community Advocate I’m always living in a world of selfless actions that leave me weary and worn out with no time or energy for myself.

Last month of 2016 I announced to my older children I’m cutting the umbilical cord and going back to focusing on myself, my marriage, our goals, minimizing my stress and being more accountable to myself for myself. They understand this is another phase of growing up and we are working very closely with them toward complete independence. Whew! That’s one huge stressor down…and we’ll be working the first few months of 2016 to ease out other stressors.

2016 is all about peace, prosperity, love, happiness and balance for us. Balance…

That’s what it’s all about. Balancing Our wants and desires with those of our loved ones, balancing Our career with home, work from play.

Our spouse and lover…or your desire for a lover.

Balance. That’s the theme for 2016. Balance. Life IS one big ole balancing act.

Happy New Year! Looking forward to spending 2016 with you all! ūüôā ūüôā

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

Personal Identity, Labels & Relationships

As of late I have been supporting youth in my personal life with a wide diversity of bisexuality.

I decided to share some of these complex relationship situations because it’s always ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to me the many varying possibilities for bisexuality/bicurious/bierotic/pansexual/queer expressionism/etc.

One is ultra feminine, dates young men and secretly has “best friends” that are just as feminine. She considers herself straight…outwardly. She has a baby, is engaged and living with a male.

The other¬†has a masculine presentation, identifies as a Lesbian, not trans, and dated other women with masculine presentation most of her life. Most of her life she’s spent dispelling the label Trans because of her Androgynous appearance. She is currently pregnant, living with and engaged to a cis gender male after¬†being secretly involved for the past few years.

The third is a young male who identifies as gay, is very masculine but has feminine tendencies. He has a daughter and has dated girls in the past. He works hard to hide his sexuality from those who don’t know him. He is in a long term relationship with a male but lives with a Lesbian identified roommate folks suspect is more than a roommate.

In each of these situations ‘bisexual’ is a bad word. Not because they don’t ‘feel’ bisexual but because in the worlds they live in, it’s not okay to BE bisexual.

The ‘Lesbian’ was petrified of social crucifixion when she ‘came out’ with her ‘hetero’ relationship. She was pressured to change her gender presentation by her fiance, struggles with self identity, and tends to be generally unhappy in her long term relationship with a male. She’s ‘not herself’ since her transition out of her ‘Lesbian’ lifestyle, despite being ‘happy’, ‘in love’ and building a family with the opposite gender, living the life she was ‘expected’ to lead. She’s grown away from most of her ‘friends’, doesn’t have much of a social life anymore and is normally ‘bored’ where she was once very socially active.

The Ultra Feminine Mom wouldn’t dare openly admit her sexuality, even in the face of those who know her sexuality, and her female partners. It’s a secret until the secret has been exposed time and time again, then reluctantly but with surety she will selectively admit she’s bisexual to the persistent inquirer. She hides her sexuality, guarded under the guise of privacy…but bisexual must be a bad word in her world if she can’t say it to even those who know.

Last but not least is a tricky situation. The Young Male is bisexual. He knows he’s bisexual, will admit with a bit of questioning he is bisexual but he cringes at the thought of calling himself anything other than gay. He has had relationships with females, he has a child. He’s also in a long term committed relationship with a male, has lived with his ‘Lesbian’ roommate for a few years as well. In ¬†his world bisexual is a bad word too. He can’t be bisexual, he’s gay…but he lusts for women and wouldn’t mind ‘a taste every now and then.’

Now, for myself. I am married to a cis gender male am a mother of 5 biological children. From age 13-18 I wore primarily masculine presentation, from 18-29 I was on a spiritual journey. From 29-present I wear primarily feminine clothing and some days I feel trapped in a gender presentation that is just not me, but is required of me due to my position in life. I generally prefer females but due to religious beliefs I chose to marry a man. I have been engaged to 2 females in my past. I am still madly in love with a woman I can’t have after 6 years of her in my heart, only 1 in my life, but that’s another story. Most days I feel masculine but I wear feminine clothing. I feel like I should have been born a male; but I am a very feminine woman grateful to have been born an attractive cis gender female.

My husband is a balance of masculine and feminine equally which is why he’s my husband. ūüôā He’s that perfect blend. My mother says I’m a repressed Lesbian trapped into heterosexual life due to religious beliefs. After much introspection I tend to believe she’s partially¬†correct…but not wholly because I still love intimacy & even relationships with men. If I didn’t have such strong religious beliefs¬†I’d be married to a woman with a male lover in my life most likely. I’m bisexual, not a Lesbian.

I have no social life due to the demands of family. I’d love to have female friends to hang out with, a girlfriend to have more with…I have no social life because hetero wives and mothers couldn’t understand my sexual identity as bisexual but married to a man, or my masculine gender presentation on some days. Lesbians don’t welcome bisexual women at all in the community I know. Bisexual wives and mothers are hard to find.

In all these cases that are very close to home I observe just how being bisexual can be so complex, especially to those who’s lives revolve around one particular identity. Despite what one feels inside it’s like society dictates what is okay and what is not okay to be. Where we belong is contingent upon what we identify as which can grow and change at times causing our lives to change in ways we may not necessarily want for ourselves.

All of us wish we could have our ideal lives. All of us wish being bisexual was easier, wish we could be ourselves, but for so many reasons we feel like we can’t be, it’s not okay to be, it’s not possible to be…true to ourselves.

-Jay Dee, Founder

 

 

 

 

 

Bi Visibility Week

All this week I’ve been browsing, reading, watching and reflecting on bisexuality, this blog, the role we all play in the bi community, the great people I’ve encountered in this BiWifeLife/LivingBi¬†journey. So much more has been rolling around in my head.

To do Our part in contributing to BiVisibility Week myself and my husband will be going to the play My Brother’s A Keeper¬†and I’m working on the last finishing touches of our transition to Living Bi from BiWifeLife. ūüôā

In celebration of BiVisibility Week and BiWifeLife’s Transition I’d like to take the time to recap Our journey to this place of inclusion and thank everyone who’s helped Us get to this point.

As you all know, this space was first created by myself just blogging about issues I felt related to being a bisexual married woman.

I was living a VERY isolated biwifelife ūüė¶ and wanted to get it all out somewhere.

As I was writing posts I found the need to connect with other BiWives and connect other BiWives with each other vs. just spilling my feelings into cyberspace and still have no insight besides my own.

I decided to reach out to others here. At first I didn’t think anyone would comment on my posts.

To my surprise folks started commenting.

Then they started commenting on comments to my posts and “talking” to each other!

Like, we really started growing! ūüėÄ I didn’t expect it to happen that ¬†way in the least. I surely didn’t see Us being where we are today.

“When I started blogging I really thought I¬†was alone. It felt like I was the only married woman who is actively and insistently bisexual despite being married. I thought I was a weirdo, a pervert, sexually skewed or morally corrupt. Like I was just this horrible wife in the eyes of society due to my sexuality and everyone else who was bi understood how to be straight, gay or lesbian when they got married but me. Like, I just didn’t know how to be a wife, despite doing everything I could to be the best wife I could be¬†because I couldn’t see a world without having relationships with both men and women.¬†I can only thank God I was finally truly blessed with a husband¬†who fits me perfectly and he understands my entire being.” -Jay Dee¬†

I’m bisexual, always have been and I just don’t know how to be anything other than myself. The being within my skin is just not heterosexual despite my desire for a traditional marriage and family life. I just can’t make myself or pray myself or hope myself unqueer.

It doesn’t work, I’ve tried.

My husband Kenny was¬†and is my number one supporter in this journey. He’s my sounding board, my consultant, my encouragement, my rock. When I wanted to just delete the blog because it became too much to handle alone, he told me the thousand reasons why I could do no such thing…ever, lol. He pushed me to find help, it was bleak for a while there but then others came on board. Those were the very early days.

We’re still here thanks to hubby and now more than ever I understand deeply why this blog is here to stay ūüôā

So, over time a¬†few great people volunteered to contribute articles and greet new commenters. After a while we even had an awesome Editor. Ah, but time changes everything. People’s lives change, situations change. Some who started with Us aren’t here anymore. Others are here dilligently.

I thank you all @msstephanieelise @mercedesjet¬†@kdaddy23 @meredithlee11 & my husband¬†Kenny¬†for being pioneers with me ūüôā¬†

This past NYC Pride March we¬†met so many varying perspectives of the purple flag through promoting this blog. It’s an ongoing amazing experience I’m grateful for and it’s really eye opening to the diversity we are as a collective.

Many years ago I was very involved in the LGBT community in NYC. Then I left. I had many reasons. I was transitioning from primarily masculine presentation to primarily feminine presentation, I was going through a spiritual transition as well and had many questions about myself.

I took time away.

Just coming back into the community I realize bisexuals are STILL a majority considered a minority. ūüė¶

Bisexuals are STILL pushed into the shadows, erased, used for funding, used as props in political agendas and so much more is done on the backs of the B in the pride acronym. I’ve seen more examples of this than I’ve cared to witness in the past few years and it’s infuriating! I don’t know if I want to actually become an advocate for the bisexual community or not or if I already have…but I’m grateful I can do my part to offer a safe space for bisexual people in relationships.

Bisexual humans are discriminated against in so many ways in the LGTAQI Community. Yes, I meant to leave the B out, as intentional as those who leave the B out intentionally.

I didn’t want this space to feel constrained and exclusive.

We had so many inquiries from so many varying humans who consider themselves bisexuals who are in long term relationships to participate Our online community how could I say no?!

Sooooo…

Viola! 

Living Bi, A space for all bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and marriages. ūüôā

In this journey before and during Our transition I’ve¬†met and would like to thank Executive Directors and Founders of great organizations such as Sarah at¬†The Brooklyn Community Pride Center, Donne at¬†S.I.S.T.A.H , J. Christopher and his crew at FluidBiDesign/MenKind, Dr. Heru Khuti of The¬†CENTER FOR CULTURE SEXUALITY and SPIRITUALITY¬†all the wonderful folks at¬†BiRequest, The New York Area Bisexual Network, Bi-Perspective,¬†and so many others who have helped me and continue to guide me along the way. I’m always looking forward to building new alliances and affiliations.¬†

I’d also like to thank ALL of our dedicated Readers and Commenters for your continued support. Without you we wouldn’t be the community we are!

LivingBi has gotten so much support from EVERYONE in the Bi Community.

Everyone I’ve encountered thus far has been extremely helpful offering information, suggestions and even helping me roll around ideas for the blog.

I’d like to thank my mentor. She’s always there and always willing to help with so much information and inspiration. I can’t thank you enough for everything, you know who you are. ūüôā

Everyone I’ve met has the same intention &¬†goals, to support our fellow Queer and/or Bisexual human.

I can only hope Living Bi can continue to grow with the needs of our readers. We are only a few Administrators here and we’re all overwhelmed with life outside of Living Bi.

We each have our roles here and we’re are at capacity with what we can do.

As we grow we need more people to get involved behind the scenes to make Living Bi a lively supportive place and a resource ALL bisexual folks know they can come to for the issues they face as bisexual humans in long term relationships. 

We need more help from YOU to keep this blog running and our community growing.

Volunteers of a wide and varying capacity from back end Tech and Contributors to Chapter Leaders are needed to support our growth and growing readership.

Lend your time, energy, expertise, words, images, whatever you feel you can to help Us support all bisexual humans involved in long term relationships and marriages year round.

Every week is BiVisibility in my world and the world of many of the people I mentioned above, not just this week.

Many of us within the Bisexual Community work hard to bring the issues and needs of bisexual humans to the light of the public eye.

Here at Living Bi our goal is to continue to bring Us together out of the shadows of stigmas, labels, negative public perception, self chosen hiding and so many other social oppressions we face as bisexual humans in long term relationships.

In observance of Bi Visibility Week I’d like thank The entire NYC Bisexual Community and it’s Leaders on behalf of all Living Bi Contributors for the spaces you’ve created physically and in society, the organizations you’ve built and all the work ¬†you’ve done to pave the way for people like me, like Our readers and the many other bi folks out there who don’t even know there’s a community to support them¬†yet.

Thanks for giving Living Bi a place to call home NYC ūüôā

#ImStillBi #BiVisibility #BiVisibilityNYC

-Jay Dee, Founder

My Brother‚Äôs A Keeper ‚Äď NYC Staged Reading for Bisexual Awareness Week

Hello all readers!

I had the pleasure of the most wonderful telephone meetings with Dr. Dr. Herukhuti.

First and foremost he’s an awesomely supportive individual. I’d seen a post in the New York Area Bisexual Network about a play that was casting bi folks for a bi play. ūüėÄ

My initial contact with him came the day I tried out by phone, reading lines to the man who wrote the play himself!

I was so nervous but I tried my best. When I floundered he encouraged me to continue and assured me I was doing good. After the reading him and I engaged in a most enlightening and freeing conversation.

I didn’t get selected for the play but he was kind enough to call me and tell me personally. He also extended the offer to BiWifeLife (at that time) to be a sponsor for his play. He was even kind enough to offer his assistance on the name change when the time came along with J. Christopher of FluidBiDesign/MenKind. ūüôā

My husband and I read the script together and to be perfectly honest the play reflects so many facets of our lives it’s like I could have written it myself! I can’t give away any spoilers, you have to come out and see it for yourself ūüôā

I STRONGLY encourage ALL Bi people & supporters, men, women, gender non conforming and trans, to come out and watch the play.

It’s an amazing play, believe me I know the script in detail.

“My Brother’s Keeper¬†touches on many of the issues bi people face such as stigma, under educated friends and family, safe sex practices in non monogamy, honesty & communication within relationships and so much more.”

-Jay Dee, Founder LivingBi (formerly BiWifeLife)

My Brother's Keeper
My Brother’s Keeper

Dr. Herukhuti is a clinical sociologist, cultural studies scholar, and traditional African shaman who focuses on sexuality, gender, and spirituality themes within the African Diaspora. His work has been published and anthologized in various academic and popular contexts including Sexualities, Journal of Bisexuality, ARISE Magazine, and Ma-Ka Diasporic Juks: Contemporary Writings by Queers of African Descent.

Our Visit To The Doctor & Bi Stigma

After publishing the article Coming Out To Your Doctor¬†¬†my husband and I felt it was time to go have ourselves tested for STD’s and HIV.

Instead of setting up appointments with our primary care physicians and possibly waiting weeks to have the testing done we decided to go with a local public health resource.

We called in, did our preregistration over the phone then headed down to the testing clinic.

There were a few things about our visit that really brought home the Bi stigma.

Over the past almost year I’ve had the pleasure of working with an organization that focuses on the health needs and rights of those in the Sex Trades/Adult Entertainment Industry.

A part of my work with this organization was to give lectures/presentations to health care providers and social service providers regarding etiquette when dealing with lines of questioning regarding sex work and sexual partner history.

In other words, the doc had no idea she would be seeing a very well educated patient on protocol and politics of her field.

The nurse and the doctor both made offensive mistakes that are common in health care settings when dealing with sexuality and health.

Our visit yesterday was an example of the exact reason why I became so involved in the organization I was working with. Regardless of sexual identity, sexual practices/tendencies or gender identity, selling sex as a business or survival,  all people deserve courteous respectful health care. All humans. Period. 


Pre-Screening 

We came to the clinic together, registered together and saw the nurse as well as doctor together. When going through the screening process we were approached with the assumption we were straight and monogamous because we are married and presenting together for testing.

The nurse did screen us both individually but at the same time in the same room.

I knew what questions were coming and I wanted to see how my husband would answer. He’s not the talkative type, doesn’t like going to the doctor much and he’s somewhat still somewhat shy about his sexuality. I knew he’d be flustered by the screening questions but instead of answering for him (which is usually his preference) I just waited to see how he’d deal with them.

After a few basic questions THE question came:

“You’re married, ¬†you’re here with your wife… so you only have sex with women…or men and women?” The question was posed with the assumption of the answer but asked anyway.

She looked at me, he looked at me, I looked at him…and waited for his reply.

He tried to figure out the right way to say it and finally said: “Men and women.”

She looked at me, then back to him.

She asked what kind of specific sexual acts does he indulge in with men. He looked at me again. Again, I didn’t say a word. I really wanted to see how this would play out.

He answered her questions (those q’s and a’s are personal, thank you ūüėČ )

She asked: “What about protection? Do you use protection?”

He explained to her NEVER has he done ANYTHING sexual with a male without a condom. Ever. She looked at me, I confirmed what he said, condoms always.

The next question is one that really irks me in so many ways for so many reasons as a Health Care professional.

She asked him: “How many sexual partners have you had in the last 6 months?”

Again, he looked at me, I looked at him.

He said: “Babe, can you answer this one, I mean I can but I can’t. You’re better at this kind of stuff. You tell her.”

I said: ¬†“No, come up with an answer on your own, this is your screening process.”

I explained to the nurse what I’d been doing over the past year and my education. I also explained to her it was very, very interesting to me to observe a patient actually experiencing the screening process. As an advocate I’m not in the room with the patient, I’m on the front lines educating and fighting these policies to be changed.

ought about our recent trysts and ultimately said “Babe, I don’t know what to say.”

I reminded him he did not have to say anything. He could elect to not answer any questions during the screening process and that is one question I personally refuse to answer.

It has no medical bearing whatsoever. It’s used as a tool for the medical provider to get an idea of your sexual life and possible risks you may be facing that you may not know about as a patient.

The question is not pertinent even if the patient is symptomatic of an STD or HIV at the time of the visit.

The answer is not a factor that can be used in urgent or immediate treatment of symptoms or disease.

It’s not relevant to the testing process in and of itself.

It’s not relevant to treatment for any health issues.

The ONLY TIME this question is pertinent is when it is necessary to provide partner notification in case of infectious disease.

Other than that it’s a useless question that can create bias and preconceived judgement in the mind of the health care provider potentially creating a hostile environment for the patient.

I choose not to indulge and have taken that stance since my first STD screening test as a teenager although I get scientifically why the question is a part of the standard screening process. If I did test positive for an infectious disease I’d disclose whatever info needed for partner notification instantly. No arguments from me there.

But in reality, who ever tells the truth on that question anyway?

Any scientific data collected from whatever clinic(s) from that question would be really questionable. The data is not verifiable and it’s not solid information to base research off of.

Anyway, I was screened by the nurse after he was.

Again the question regarding do I sleep with men only or men and women. I answered I engaged in sexual activity with both males and females.

She looked from him to me and back to him.

We explained we’re both bisexual and we do a lot of speaking, educating, etc on bisexuality in marriages and long term relationships. She was visibly shocked.

She then went on to ask the rest of the same questions of me she asked him. I answered what was pertinent to care only. She knew from his screening process don’t ask me clinically useless questions and she didn’t, she skipped right over them. ūüôā

My husband and I both elected to take the OraQuick Rapid HIV test.

We were given an applicator with a swab on the end, instructed to swab our gums on each side top and bottom. Then all we had to do was wait 20 minutes for the results…


His Doctor…

She was friendly enough, really kind face, soothing voice, relaxed appearance despite her traditional businesslike black slacks and white shirt. She would be doing my husband’s screening, exam and testing I would be seeing another provider for the same. She didn’t mind my sitting in.

The doc wanted to go over the screening questions again.

We explained we’re a both bisexual couple who has sex with other men and women, together using protection always. We’ve never done anything without a condom ever just to bring her up to speed and avoid the same questions again.

She asked a few specific screening questions one more time to get more of an idea of our sex life. We reiterated we use protection always with other men when asked yet another time in a differently phrased question.

After she’d finished her inquiry the doctor then began to tell us both the dangers of men who sleep with men.

She went on and on about how men who kiss other men can get diseases they wouldn’t get if they weren’t kissing other men, she explained how men who get or give men oral without condoms can get diseases other people don’t get and of course all the many dangers of anything anal between two men.

Then the doctor told me and my husband that there is a disease called Nisseria Meningitis that is spreading in ¬†our town of Brooklyn among men who come in ” very close proximity with, but not necessarily intimacy or physical touching with other men¬†and it’s “VERY deadly, fast acting and easily spread”.

(click the above link to read ALL about the “outbreak”, I encourage you to do so for your own understanding.)

She felt we should be vaccinated against this disease because we were at risk since my husband is bisexual and we live in Brooklyn.

Needless to say I pulled out my phone and researched right away while declining the vaccination until I knew more.

I’d interrupted her a few times during her explanation of the risks of my husband’s sexuality to explain to her I wasn’t a laymen but a colleague, another experienced HIV/AIDS Educator, a current student of Health Care Management and I’ve been working on and around legislative advocacy surrounding Health Care rights in NYC for about a year now!

She explained she was an HIV specialist and she knew what she was talking about despite my background.

How could she know I just spoke at the End AIDS Conference in Philly only a couple months ago on several panels? One of my passions in life is HIV transmission prevention and education and I’ve been volunteering for speaking engagements and teaching opportunities since my early teens. I lost almost all my teenage friends to the disease in the 90’s.¬†I volunteer my education, time and experience on the topic wherever possible.

I was beyond upset.

I was really pissed and ready to call the Director of the facility to offer training to his staff, at no cost! They needed it dearly!

In my mind all I could think was what she’s describing is a public health concern not a bisexual male or Men who Sleep with Men (MSM) health concern.

If this disease is transmitted by close proximity only  then someone should alert the Department of Health and notify the public of this new soon to be epidemic was my thinking.

I’m sure bisexual men take public transportation, go to work daily, eat out, attend recreational activities in public. If MSM have this special disease that’s airborne and spreads easily THIS WHOLE CITY would be infected by now!¬†

What about family members of MSM who are near each other often?

How about the people MSM’s live with, can they get it too?

Can they spread it too?

It’s this kind of medical misinformation that could have a less informed patient shaking in his boots after a visit with the doctor. (The link to the medical research on the meningitis outbreak in Bklyn is highlighted above. No need to panic NY’kers, it’s nowhere near as serious as she implied. We won’t be taking the vaccine.)

The doc then examined my husband’s penis for any lesions, discharge, etc. During the exam despite him informing her he’d used protection always she insisted on swabbing the back of his throat to test for diseases because “Men who have sex with other men can get infections in their throats much easier, even if you have used a condom and there has been no exposure.”

Huh? What? Can we say Bi stigma again?

Remind you of something?

HIV in the 80’s much?

I was sent steaming into the next exam room to wait for the other physician who had my chart to examine me.

When my doctor came I explained my husband and I were in for testing together. He didn’t go over my screening¬†and¬†I’d given urine already.

We’d been there about 4 hours. We had a meeting at 5:30pm and it took about an hour commute to get to our location- it was 4:30pm.

By the time “my” doctor was available¬†I had no more time or patience for the process any longer and I wasn’t willing to be late to my 5:30 meeting.

We had to leave, I wouldn’t be able to stay for a full exam.

It was explained to me by “my” doctor if our test results came back abnormal we’d be contacted via email or phone.

If we didn’t hear back in 3-5 days everything is normal but we could inquire about our results if we’d like confirmation. I had no symptoms or complaints so a full exam wasn’t necessary.

I intend to schedule an annual GYN with my regular health care provider for a full exam this coming week.

(originally written 9/7/2015)

-Jay Dee, Founder