This Is For the Bi Guys…

…who are, like a lot of the women who follow here, are wondering what it’s gonna take to be able to express yourself in this way and more so when, these days, the world is losing their minds over the issue of bisexuality in anyone.  I know what it’s like to have the feelings; I worked my way through the confusion they bring and came to understand that no matter what society has to say about not being all straight all of the time, the responsibility for my happiness in things is mine and mine alone.

I know what it’s like to be with someone who, if they found out that you’re not really all that straight – and even if just in your thoughts – would tar and feather you, label you some kind of pervert and even accusing you of not being happy with them.  I know what it’s like to listen to a woman go on and on about how your feelings are so unfair to her, that you have no reason at all to want anyone other than her and your sure as hell don’t need or have a reason to engage in sexual congress with another man… and even in the odd chance she even deigns to admit that she knows that she’s not really everything you will ever need.  I know what it’s like trying to explain things to her, to get her to see the logic and even common sense involved her and that we are all human and we can have needs that goes against everything we’ve been taught, everything we’re supposed to stick with and without exception… and if by doing so you wind up doing irreparable damage to yourself, well, it sucks to be you.

What is it like to be with another guy like this?  I know what that’s like, too.  I know what the hunger feels like, to feel that inner beast rattling its cage and demanding to be released… and I know what it’s like to force the beast to be quiet so as not to upset someone else’s sensibilities.  I know what it’s like to be told that I can’t really be what I know I need to be; I know the anger.  The frustration.  I know what it’s like to feel so utter contemptuous toward the other person whose beliefs are being forced onto me and beliefs that I have good reason – and even proof – are, at best, incorrect.  Inaccurate.  So badly outdated it’s not even funny.

I know what it feels like to feel that… anger simmering and eating me alive on the inside; I’ve asked, time and time again, what is it about this that they – or anyone else – just can’t understand?  Do they not understand that we need what we need in order to feel whole and complete?  That we have desires, passions, and even needs that must be attended to and if they’re ignored, the only purpose that gets served is the erosion of self; to find yourself less than what you know you can be.  To be held prisoner by rules that shouldn’t exist in the here and now and to feel some kind of way knowing that while you have come to see the truth of things, there are those around you who do not see it, cannot see it, and don’t want to see it.

What we, as bisexual men, come to understand is that bisexual women face the same levels of denial and suppression of self; they’re subject to the same gestalt of prejudice as everyone who isn’t straight has been made to face.  I know what it’s like to sit and think… and stew in a sea of frustration… and see how all of this can be made better if the rules can’t and won’t be thrown out, they can be changed.  Bent.  Even broken.  I know what it’s like to see this and to ask myself, “Yes… but at what cost?” and the answer to that is… complicated.

I know what it’s like to be subjected to the double standard:  It’s okay for women to be this way, not okay for a man to be the same way.  I know what it’s like to see a woman who expects and demands truth and total openness at all times and in all things backpedal when you tell her the truth of yourself, whether it was something that has always been true or it’s a new truth we’ve come to be aware of and see.  I know the incomprehensible confusion and even heartache to learn that the only truth she’s interested in is the one she believes in; your truth, the truth of yourself, means nothing to her.

I know these things and much more.  I even know what it’s like for the woman you love to be going through this same dilemma and that, like you, she’s suffering in this because she believes that there’s nothing that can be done.  I know men and women who are going through this; I know their hopelessness; I know how dejected and rejected they feel; I know their anger at being denied their right to be the person they need to be.  I know the solution just as I know it’s a solution that no one agrees on because the rules must always be obeyed at all times and without question.  I know the lies and flaws of monogamy; I know that it is impossible for one person to be all that you’ll ever need.  I know that people change over time and so does their wants, needs, and desires… and I know their fear of letting these things be known.  I know what it’s like to lose loves and friends because I am what I am; I know the pain of it.  I know the confusion and even the hypocrisy inherent in these things.  I know what it’s like to be angry and to have that anger deepened to know that when you said that you loved me and you would do whatever is humanly possible for me and because you love me, that you lied because there’s something you won’t do for me and even if by doing it, you would be saving my life and my sanity.

And I know that bisexual women feel the exact same way… but what I don’t know is why we, as bisexuals, just do what we need to do even when society is against us doing that.  I know that there are ways around the rules; I know that when it’s done right, everyone benefits from it – and even if the person we’re with isn’t bisexual.  I know that it opens a lot of locked doors, not just the ones related to sex but the ones related to life itself:  It unlocks the door to the truth of what we can be and, really, what we’ve been all along.  I know that what we think and believe where love, sex, and relationships is concerns is… not so much wrong but, again, inaccurate.  It’s not the whole truth of things; it’s not the truth of what we are as a social animal and one that sits high above all others because we can think.  We can create.  We can imagine.  I know that men and women alike?  We are magnificent animals and capable of so much on our own or together if we ever get around to getting our collective heads out of our collective asses and be the way we can be with each other and, yes, unchained and unfettered by the tenets of monogamy; did you know that experts in this agree that we weren’t meant to be monogamous?  That “all of us” being heterosexual is unnatural and most certainly not the way we used to be and before those damned rules got forced onto us?

Maybe knowing that I know isn’t going to help you a whole lot, fellas.  It might not help the untold number of women who are suffering in this and, like us, being made to suppress the truth of ourselves.  I tell you all that I know so that you, if nothing else, know that you’re not as alone in this as you think you are.  I know the joys of it all.  I know the fears, too.  I say to all of you – and not just the men – to, if you can find a way, don’t be afraid.  Do not despair.  Ladies, if you even suspect that your guy is bi, believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s not bi because he doesn’t love you, want you, appreciate you or all those other things that give you nightmares.  He does.  All of those things.  He’s happy with you but I’ll also tell you that if he isn’t, it’s quite possible that, yes – you’re the reason he’s not happy because your beliefs will not allow him to be the man he needs to be.

And guys?  You’re probably doing the same thing to the woman in your life… and you don’t even know it because she’s afraid to tell you.  You’re letting your beliefs, well, fuck up the person you say that you love; you’re causing near-irreparable damage to them and for the men and women both I ask you this:  Are you that damned sure about your beliefs in the way things are supposed to be that you’re willing to put your partner, the person you love, at risk… and all because you refuse to believe that what you believe is… incorrect.  Not the whole truth.  Rules that were invented for a situation that, today, no longer exists and, thus, is no longer relevant.

And I ask you all:  Why would you do this to the person you love?  And wouldn’t it just suck if they were to do it to you?  I know it would; when I tell you that I’ve been there, done that, been around the block so many times I pretty much own it – and that I found a way to get around the rules so I can be who I’m meant to be – I’m not joking.  Not saying it just to be saying it.  If I figured out how to do it so that I can be who I am, why can’t you figure it out?  And if you fear being cheated on or otherwise left behind, well, is it really that difficult to avoid this unwanted calamity?

Guys, I know what it’s like.  I’ll tell you what “real men” do and, yes, “real women, too:”  They let each other know that this is what I am or how I want to be.  They let each other know that what I am – what I want to be – has nothing to do with how I feel about you.  We let them know that we would prefer not to take this journey alone, that it would be much better if the person we love could go along with us.  What’s in it for them?  They get a better person.  A whole person.  A person who has learned to express their feelings.  A person that sees that, together, we can be so much more…

If only you’d allow me to be the person I need to be.  I know what you’re thinking:  You’re thinking that she’s gonna say she has no need to change the way she is, to change what she believes in, that something like this has never – and will not ever – cross her mind or come her way.  That’s she’s gonna tell you that there is nothing for her in this.  I know – I’ve heard it all before and I also happen to know that… they’re wrong; they can’t see the future anymore than anyone else can.  And I also know that if she tells you this, yeah – she could very well be lying her cute ass off and she just might know more about this than she’d led you to believe.

It’s a risk but if you can’t tell her how you feel and what you’re thinking, well, that’s a problem, isn’t it?  And if she refuses to listen, that’s a problem, too.  It never fails to amaze me how we always demand to hear the truth of things… then get all weird when we do hear the truth… and then we don’t want to deal with it, don’t want to address it… and don’t want to do shit about it.  It’s better to let the bisexual in your life suffer just to preserve your sensibilities and sensibilities that were built on lies and misconceptions.

Guys, I’m telling you this (ladies, too) just in case you get to that moment in your life when you’re just gonna have to say something about it and for no other reason than it being an act of self-preservation because not being able to express yourself is eating you alive on the inside and affecting your life – and your life with her – in very detrimental ways… and she probably sees the effects, too.  Ladies?  Do you think we don’t look at you and see you feeling some kind of way and not ask ourselves, if not you directly, “What’s wrong with her?”  Guys and gals… do we not hear this question and say, “Nothing…” and we know we’re lying to the one person that we shouldn’t be lying to?

What’s it worth to you? Only you can decide that.  What do you stand to lose?  Maybe everything and I know this is very scary.  What’s worse?  Losing yourself.  Not being who you need to be.  Standing on the edge of destroying a relationship that doesn’t have to be destroyed; ready to throw away everything the two of you have built together because you think it’s the only way.  Fearing having her go off on you and making things all about her.  The despair.  Feeling trapped.  It’s not worth it and it’s better… for her for you to just give up who you are and who you want to be.

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about because you feel the same things in the same way and for the same reasons.  I’m just the bi guy who has the nerve to tell you all that it doesn’t have to be this way.  We’re better than this and I know that, too.

KDaddy23, Contribution Author and Fellow Bisexual Who Knows Some Stuff

What Are the Benefits?

That’s a good question, isn’t it?  A lot of women in relationships already are eager to let their bisexuality out to play and they need to do this like they need air to breathe… except, damn – there’s this guy who ain’t feeling it, is being territorial and, yeah, sometimes, when it comes to, “What’s in it for me?” their thoughts just travel to the one thing most bisexual women just aren’t interested in, aka, the much-dreaded threesome.

To me, the one main benefit to letting her be the way she needs to be means that you’re not living with someone who, uh, who needs to have a house dropped on her.  “Happy wife, happy life” isn’t just a saying and as many a husband/boyfriend has learned once they get a taste of the high degree of pissed off an unhappy woman can bring to the table and I’ve said to many a man who were totally against their woman being bisexual, “Well, hmm – you must be a glutton for punishment and you enjoy living with one of the most evilest and meanest creatures on the planet…”

Bisexual men go through this as well, just in case you were wondering.  The bad part here is their unhappiness is a slow, simmering kind of thing – other than the initial explosion of unhappiness after being abjectly denied.  Now it’s about… “revenge.”  Some women get their mind straight into “revenge mode” while others can get there without really thinking about revenge so much but now they are so totally and completely unhappy that their mood – and their now very bad mood – will eventually infect everyone and everything around her.  Men – and being the often clueless critters we can be – will see her in that bad place and ask, “What’s wrong with you?” and, sometimes, I think, totally forgetting that she’s in this very bad state and it’s his fault that she is… or, yeah, sometimes they do know why she’s qualifying to be Queen Bitch of the Universe… but they’ve resolved to do nothing to keep that from happening.

So the biggest benefit is that she’s gonna be happier and even more so if she can go about this without any interference from you, fellas.  Chances are – and I almost hate to say this – but your sex life with her will greatly improve because her mind – and desires – won’t be all clogged up and shut down because she’s wondering why she can’t be allowed to be who she needs to be.  I know way too many guys who say, “Why should I go along with this?” and the answer, at least to me, is easy:  If you love her, if you care about her well-being, those two things alone are reason enough to go along with it.  And, yeah – if you don’t wanna find yourself sleeping next to the newest Queen Bitch of the Universe, well, do the math here.

And, sure; a benefit could be that she’d share with you – but I wouldn’t count on that as being some kind of automatic thing and, of course, making this a condition for your approval is a mistake… unless she’s let you know that she’d be interested in the group sex thing as well.  But even if she is, you still gotta give her time to get her… uh, girl-legs?  Yeah… that’s sounds silly but I can’t think of another way to put it.  Some women have been bisexual all along but suppressing it and for them, being free to act can be like bike-riding – once you learn how to do it, you never forget how to do it.  However, for many women, this is some new stuff and stuff they’re gonna have to learn and get adjusted to and there’s no set time for this period of acclimation to take place – she’ll get into the swing of it when she gets into the swing of it… and that includes the usual problem of finding someone they can be with and the way they want to.

If having a happier woman by your side isn’t enough of a benefit, I don’t know what is.  Now, some guys give their blessing… but get into protection mode; they want to have a say in who their lady interacts with and when she can and I even know of a guy who told his lady that he insists on picking out the women she can be with and, of course, the poor woman went from being happy to be “set free” to being even more miserable than she was before the fact.

Another benefit you may be interested in is, in a way, kinda obvious:  She’s not gonna cheat on you because you’re not giving her what she needs to be happy with herself… and you.  Another one is something a lot of women seem to innately understand:  Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you have to.  Just being free to act – if/when she wants or needs to – can be good enough for her.  Ah… I know what you might be thinking:  What about you?  Okay… this is the “bad” part because her need for this has nothing to do with you… unless you keep denying her what she needs.  You’ve gone from not being part of the problem to being the problem… and I’m pretty sure you do not want to know how she’s gonna solve it.  By holding on too tightly, you’re gonna push her away.  If you were having lots of sex with her, um, well, you still might have sex with her… but she’s not going to be enthusiastic about it – and you just might wind up getting cut off for the duration.

And for some guys, it’s not like they’re incapable of understanding why she’s changed so much and it’s not like they can’t figure out what it’s gonna take to reverse things… but a lot of guys won’t and they really do expect this evil, spiteful, totally pissed off woman to go about things like there’s nothing amiss or wrong going on.  What about you?  Dude… do you really wanna know what she’s gonna think and feel about you after you’ve shut her down and kept her from being the woman she needs to be?

Happy wife, happy life.  Not just a saying and this benefit alone, for many guys, is enough to take the chains off of her so she can be a better person and in every aspect of her life.  I mean, what guy with a woman wouldn’t want this for her?  What guy doesn’t understand that if she’s happy, it’ll rub off on him and benefit him?

You don’t have to believe me… but these things are something I know for a fact because, as I’ve written, I’ve been there, been through living with the QBOTU and one who, intentionally or not, made my life miserable until she took it upon herself to end her misery.  It didn’t take me long to see the handwriting on the wall even though she had said, “I’m gonna do this with or without your blessing!”  And, fellas, I’m telling you that is it way better to know what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with… than not know either of those things.  Afraid of her cheating on you?  Thinking that she once said that she’d never cheat on you and that it’s “impossible” that she’d change her mind about that?  Afraid of losing her to another woman?  Okay… it happens but I’m the one who’ll tell you that the moment you started a relationship with her, you took on the risk of losing her to someone else and I will forever be the one who will remind every- and anyone that if you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  In this?  Even if no one else gets to take care of her, you can expect to be living with your own personal QBOTU.

Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?  Or would you prefer her to be a happy camper and, return, making your life with her happier and easier?  And ladies?  I can tell you that having a bi guy who isn’t free to be bi is not a nice person to be around so if you have a bi guy, you can realize a lot of the same benefits I’ve mentioned here and, mainly, he’s gonna be happy just to be free to be himself and that doesn’t mean he’s gonna run out and start doing stuff with other guys because some of us do understand that just because we can do it doesn’t mean we will or have to; sometimes, just being free is enough.

Finally, one of the bigger benefits is that you get to learn some stuff, not just about each other, but about life itself and that a lot of the stuff you might believe in tends to set a couple up to fail more than it helps them succeed.  Again – you don’t have to believe me… but trust that I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t know it – and know it for a fact and even personally.  But you don’t have to believe me but if you find yourself dealing with this issue – and many of you here are, in fact, dealing with it – well… what’s it gonna take to make you a believer?

I know the answer to that, too – but I’m gonna leave you to figure that one out.

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

I Want to Make Something Clear

For a lot of years, I was married to a bisexual woman and, yeah, it’s really something to be married to one and to be aware of her needs and how those needs can and will impact things.  I don’t want anyone to think that she was, well, all fucked up in the head because she really wasn’t… but a lot of the things she went through were some of the same things I’d come to recognize in other bisexual women and, to be honest, I see a lot of bisexual men go through similar thing whether they’re free to act or – gasp – they gotta take things to the DL to be able to express themselves the way they need to.

One of the things I know that bothered her wasn’t just being rejected; that’s a very hard thing for a lot of people to deal with.  What bothered her the most was being frustrated; she’d get around to taking care of getting her “girl itch” scratched albeit in a one-time way and she’d be good for a day, maybe a few days before her frustration would return with a vengeance because what she really wanted and needed was a girlfriend and in every way the word means… and her biggest issue was that a lot of the women she was interested in weren’t interested in having a girlfriend or even an FWB lover.  Oh, they’d take her to bed if they could look past the fact that she was chubby (and despite having lost weight) but, okay, she had really big tits and ass and that would almost automatically get the attention of a lot of women (and men, too).  Her personality wasn’t quite “out there” nor was it “subdued” or overly laid back.  She’d ask me, “What’s wrong with me that no one wants me?” and, good Lord, trying to convince her that while she had her faults – and like everyone else does – there’s nothing really wrong with her, that and the fact that if there was something seriously wrong with her, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with her and married her… let alone stay married to her.

Truth is she was defeating herself.  It wasn’t that she didn’t know or understand that when it comes to sex, people are seriously funny about who they have sex with and it seemed to me that she managed to forget that women “lead the league” in being funny about having sex… with anyone.  They have their… preferred types just like men do and, well, that’s just the way it’s always been.  Whenever we’d have this discussion, I’d ask her, “Well, have you ever bothered to ask someone why they didn’t want to be with you and in the way you needed them to be?”

Uh, hmm – apparently not but I understood that; it’s bad enough to get rejected and even worse to know why you were rejected and who really wants to hear why they were deemed not to be good enough?  Still, I realized – and pointed out to her – that she was being her own worst enemy in these things; she got it into her head that nobody wanted her for sex or anything else and it stuck… and I could never get that out of her head and couldn’t get her to understand that this is something others are gonna pick up on and, as such, something they didn’t want to be bothered with.  She really didn’t make it difficult for another woman to bed her; it wasn’t like she didn’t know what to do or anything like that… but her near-constant frustration at not having a woman the way she needed not only dragged her down but dragged everyone around her down.

As a husband and fellow bisexual, I felt… inadequate when it came to dealing with her frustration.  When she met a woman who she fell in love with – and even invited her to join our family – wow; I didn’t see that coming but I did see that the woman she fell in love with, well, she wasn’t bisexual and she even told me – and I don’t know how we got on the topic – that she’d never been with a woman, never been approached by one, never gave any thought about it.  Oh, shit… was this gonna be a problem and one that, under this new arrangement, was going to be my problem to deal with?

Turns out it was.  Don’t get me wrong:  They were in love with each other big time and our new girlfriend took to being made love to by my wife like a duck to water, something that surprised the living daylights out of me but she had what I’d call a common problem:  She didn’t want anyone to think she was a lesbian and that really messed with her head and, as such, it made her very reluctant to reciprocate.  She wanted to but that lesbian thing was something she couldn’t get her head around and no matter how much the two of us talked about that.  And my wife’s frustrations began anew even though she now had the woman she could truly love in the ways she needed to love a woman… but a woman who also had some… issues.  It was… interesting to watch them interacting with each other.   They knew they belonged to each other but our girlfriend would get totally pissed when my wife would have to go get with another woman because our girlfriend wouldn’t want to have sex with her without me being there.  I spent an untold number of hours explaining to her that, simply, if you don’t like the idea that some other woman is getting “your pussy,” well, doesn’t that mean you need to make sure that no other babe is getting it?

She said that she knew that… but.  I’d tell her – ask her – “If you’re not gonna do it, who’s supposed to?” and instead of answering, I’d just get “that look” from her and one I knew all too well because it was a non-verbal answer of, “No one is supposed to.”  I’d sit them both down and literally make them talk about this and making it clear that this issue they had between them was affecting the whole family and in some very bad ways – and ways that I’d wind up having to deal with because they were both too stubborn to change things.  One was still worried about being a lesbian, the other completely frustrated to not be able to express her love for her/our girlfriend in the way all of us knew it should be expressed.

I’m telling you this to illustrate some stuff that’s very important, that in these things, being your own worst enemy – and because you refuse to see what needs to be done and hanging on to stuff that, really, doesn’t make a lot of sense – well, that’s gonna kill some stuff that would prefer not to be killed.  Again, don’t get me wrong:  When they made love to each other – still with me being right there – it was amazing; these two were made for each other and I knew it… and they knew it… but let their thoughts and feelings pretty much destroy whatever joy they found with each other.  The problem?  If I wasn’t at home – and my job was a huge reason for me not to be there – my wife would want to make love… and her/our girlfriend wasn’t having any of it because she kept believing that it would make her a lesbian.

To any and all bisexual women reading this, don’t be your own worst enemy and to the husbands of a bisexual woman, dude, I gotta tell you that if she’s way too deep into her own head about this and she’s highly frustrated, it’s gonna frustrate you even more and logic, such as it is, stands little chance of breaking through the emotional turmoil your bisexual lady can be feeling.  You, as a man, can’t just say, “Just deal with it already – damn!” because it sends the wrong message to her – you don’t give a fuck about what’s bothering her and once she gets that thought in her head, well, you’re gonna be in for a rough time that makes having a bisexual woman look easy by comparison to deal with.

To the women looking for a girlfriend and lover, I say to you do not ever give up.  Do not start thinking that there’s something so wrong with you that no other woman is gonna want you.  Understand that rejection is just – and still – a part of the whole thing and understand that some women will only want to bed you… and nothing more than that.  Yeah, guys are like that, sad to say, but women can be, too.  Know it.  Understand it.  Don’t let it get in the way of whatever goals you have as a bisexual woman.  And, fellas?  Let her be bisexual!  Her need to be has nothing to do with you because if it did, um, she wouldn’t be with you… well, unless you’re of a mind to not let her be the bisexual woman she needs to be.  I am the one who will tell you that if you don’t – and she cheats on you – that’s not her fault so much – it’s yours and because you failed to take care of her needs… and even the ones you can’t do anything about because you’re not female.

What you believe is what you believe… and I’m saying that what you believe isn’t the truth of this.  Women in a relationship – and for whatever reason makes sense to them – find that what they need in addition to you is another woman and because you’re not a woman, you’re not really going to understand why she has that need and, perhaps, you’re gonna be “stupid” enough to tell her that she shouldn’t have that need and, by rote, there’s no reason for her to want anything or anyone other than you.  That, gentlemen, is a mistake.  Do you wanna know why people cheat on each other?

It’s because of the abject failure for someone to not being willing and able to take care of someone’s needs.  If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will and by “taking care” of, I mean even if there’s nothing you can actually do about it, you can make it possible for their needs – and the ones you can’t do shit about – to be taken care of.  And, really:  If you love each other as much as you say you do, why would you not do this and make the person with the “extra needs” a happy camper?  And know this:  Couples with bisexuals do make it work and even the non-bisexual in the mix can benefit in this. It’s not a rarity – it’s now more of a “matter of fact” kind of thing because many, many people are realizing that it doesn’t make any damned sense to be living with someone who’s gonna make your life miserable… and all because of what someone doesn’t believe in as well as that bisexual who is being their own worst enemy.

Ya don’t have to believe me… but you should.  I learned this the hard way and, yes, in a way, I failed to resolve their issues… but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.  Oh, boy – did I benefit from this and in ways that a lot of men would give their arms and legs to be able to benefit from… but even then, I understood that this wasn’t about me – this was about my wife, what she needed in her life, and my dedication to doing my level best to get her what she needed.  Why?

Because I loved her and, as such, going along with breaking all of the rules of marriage and relationships was no big deal for me and, besides:  I preferred to know what she was doing and who she was doing it with over not knowing.  Yes… I know that before we came to this agreement, she cheated on me and while many would blame her for this, it was my fault because I didn’t know and, yeah, not because she didn’t come out and tell me but I also failed to ask the questions I had on my mind about her – and I did suspect that she was bisexual and had suspected for a very long time.

Don’t make the mistakes I made or even the ones my wife made.  Don’t let your beliefs and fears undermine the love you have for each other and if/when you tell her that you’d do anything to make her happy?  Mean it.  Then do it.  Encourage her.  Support her.  And if she starts being her own worst enemy, let her know that this is what she’s doing and how its affecting her – and you, too.

I just wanted to make some stuff clear in this and I do hope y’all can learn something from it… because I sure as hell did.

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

If You Were My Woman…

I thought I’d stop by and write something… encouraging.  As you may know, I am bisexual; been this way pretty much all of my life and, as such, I’ve learned a lot of things about love, sex, and relationships that are… unconventional, non-traditional, maybe even off the beaten track – and certainly some things that can make a lot of people quite nervous.  Bisexuality is the great big elephant in the room; we know it’s there but we want – choose – to ignore it and not so much because it cannot be reasoned that this sexuality aspect can have far-reaching benefits but, mainly and mostly, we’re overly worried about what others will think of us should it become known that we’re just not as straight as “everyone” else is.

I am aware of the plight many bisexuals face, both men and women and while single bisexuals have “issues,” bisexuals in a relationship are, in fact, in the worst imaginable situation.  As I sat down to write this, I was thinking about a woman I was talking to many years ago who had discovered her bisexuality but, like a lot of women, hooked up with a guy who didn’t believe in such things.  She had asked me, “If you were my man, how would you handle this?”  And this is how I answered her.

If you were my woman and you told me, I found out, or even suspected that you were bisexual, the first thing I’d want to do is sit down with you to talk about it and since I’m the kind of guy who needs all the information available in order to offer opinions, make decisions, etc., the more you can tell me about this, the better.  Now, I know – and can easily guess – that there are probably some things about this that you’re gonna find embarrassing or you’re afraid I’m gonna rip your head off for this so I want to assure you that, one, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I give you my word of honor that I’m not going to jump all in your ass about this.  One, there’s no reason to and, two, well, that behavior just doesn’t work.  I’m not going to accuse you of any impropriety and, again, being the type of person I am, just because you’re thinking about something like this doesn’t mean you’re gonna run out and do whatever you were thinking.  I’d want you to be comfortable talking to me about this because this is about you… and I’m about you as well; what bothers you bothers me and what makes you happy makes me happy, okay?

I had said this much to the woman and I had her undivided attention.  She asked, “So, you wouldn’t be all bent out of shape if I told you I like women?”

“No; who am I to say who you’re supposed to like and not like?” I replied.  “What I would ask is how much do you like women and in what ways you do.”

“Just like that?” she asked.

“Just like that,” I said.  “I want you to keep in mind, as we talk about this, that I’m not your run of the mill guy and that I both see and understand a lot of things differently, okay?”

She nodded, took a deep breath, and “went for the jugular” by asking, “So if I told you I wanted to sleep with my best friend, that wouldn’t bother you?”

“Wouldn’t bother me in the least bit,” I said honestly.

“Why not?” she asked.

“You’re my woman… but I don’t own you; I can ask you not to do this or that but you will always have the final say, right?  Grownup enough to make your own decisions about things?  I ain’t the boss of you and all that?” I said.

She laughed.

“But I would ask you, because it’s important, why you want to sleep with her.  I’d ask you to start at the beginning and tell me everything, you know, depending on how comfortable you are.” I said.

“What would you want to know?” she asked.

“Everything.  From the first time the thought crossed your mind up to and including anything you may have done, how close you came to doing something, stuff like that?” I answered.

“What if I don’t wanna tell you?” she asked.

“You don’t have to but if you don’t, you’re not helping me to understand what’s going on with you; remember, everything that affects you will ultimately affect me.  So if you wanna invoke the Fifth Amendment, I have no choice but to be good with that; I can’t make you say anything, can I?”

“Where have you been all of my life?” she asked.  “But what if I don’t believe you’re not gonna ‘kick my ass’ because I’ve told you this?”

“Then you don’t believe me,” I said with a shrug.  “And, no, I don’t know what I could do or say to make you believe me.  Look, I’m your man and my ‘job’ is not only to make and keep you happy but to also do whatever I can do toward that goal.  That being said, if I don’t own you and ain’t the boss of you, how can I make you believe me if you don’t want to?”

“Shit… are there any more like you at home?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said with a laugh of my own.

“Why would you let me sleep with my best friend?” she asked.

“Because you want to and I’m assuming your best friend would love to get you naked as well,” I said.

“No other reason than that?” she asked.

“Is there any other reason?” I asked.

“What’s in it for you?” she asked.  “You gonna want to sleep with both of us?”

“In that order, nothing other than you being happy.  Would I want to sleep with the both of you?  Honestly?  What guy wouldn’t?  Still, this ain’t about what I would want – this is about what you want and if, by chance, the two of you invited me, well, I’m not gonna turn down the invite; I don’t believe in being in something that you don’t or wouldn’t want me being in.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re too good to be true?” she asked.

“More times than I care to think about.  Again, you don’t have to believe me and yeah, I do know what it’s like to be with a woman who likes women; it’s why I can answer you the way I am – been there, done that and, importantly, I know the right way to handle this.”

“Well, shit,” she said.  “Your woman likes women?”

“She does,” I said.

“And you let her sleep with women?”

“Yes, although ‘let her’ isn’t the right phrase; she wanted to, made a case why she should be allowed to, and I agreed with it,” I said.

“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.

“At first it did but I got over it,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I know about every woman she’s ever slept with.”

“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna dump you for a woman?” she asked.

“Yeah but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there?  I like to say that it’s an occupational hazard when you’re in a relationship and you can lose someone just as fast and as easily as you were able to hook up with them in the first place,” I said.  “All I can do is ask her to reconsider things but if she doesn’t want to, well, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“Was that hard for you to accept?” she asked.

“Very much so; this situation is some eye-opening shit,” I replied.  “But, if my ‘job’ is to make and keep her happy, I felt I didn’t have any choice but to accept the potential for losing her to someone else; no one wants to really think about that but you gotta face the reality of things.”

“So, if I were your woman and I wanted to sleep with other women, you’d be all for it?” she asked.

“Sure, why not?  It would make you happy and your happiness would spread to me, wouldn’t it?” I asked.

“What if I told you that I’d already slept with my best friend?  Would that change your attitude?” she asked, giving me a daring kind of look.

“No, not really; you can’t do shit about something that has already happened,” I said.  “I might be… miffed that you didn’t mention that until now but at least I understand why you didn’t.  But I can overlook that so I could ask you a question.”

“What would that be?” she asked.

“Did you have fun with her?” I asked.

“For real?” she asked.

“Well, if we’re now talking about something you actually did, yeah – the question is still valid, isn’t it?” I asked.

“It was all that and then some,” she said.  “My man, well, he don’t know about that… but if you were my man and I told you I’d already slept with her – and more than once – you’d still be good with it?”

“I would be; you act like I really have a choice in the matter,” I said.  “What matters, since we’re now having this conversation – all late and wrong – is what do you wanna do going forward and how do you see it affecting our relationship?  Big changes?  Little ones?  Nothing to write home to mom about?  I can’t answer these kinds of questions and I’d have rely on you to tell me what the deal is going forward… and if you’re even gonna go forward.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I love you; what other reason is there?” I asked.  “See, I had this happen to me and it made me rethink what being in love with someone really meant; a lot of people have a lot of stuff they won’t do just for the sake of love… but this?  I can do this.  Besides – and now I’m talking real life – I know something your man probably doesn’t.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Crudely, if it’s pussy you want and need, he doesn’t have one,” I said.  “There is nothing he can do about it and I’m thinking that while he probably screws you pretty good, it’s not enough for you, right?”

“Right,” she said after taking a long moment to answer.

“If you were my woman, well, I’d be aware of that already but it doesn’t change my job, which is to do whatever I can to make and keep you happy, does it?” I asked.  “You need something I can’t give you because, duh, I don’t have it.  Now, I could forbid you to get it… but that’s more likely to make you go get it anyway since, you remember, I ain’t the boss of you.  But, if I said it was okay with me for you to have it, would that be something you’d be interested in?  Am I losing anything?  If we’re talking about us having sex, I’m thinking that now that you’re getting the other stuff you need, I’m gonna be getting more of it, too, right?”

“And if you weren’t?” she asked.

“Well, we’d need to talk about that,” I said, with a laugh.  “Because, you know, you are kinda hot and desirable…”

“Boy, stop playing!” she said, taking a playful swipe at me.  “Man, you’re seriously for-real about this, aren’t you?”

“I am… because I have to be since I’m bisexual, too,” I said.

“Get out!” she exclaimed.  “So you know about dick like I do?”

“You betcha,” I said.  “That all by itself is reason to rethink a lot of things in a relationship but, again, this ain’t about me – this is about you and what you need; we can talk about what I might need at some other time, you know, if I were really your man.”

“Shit… I wish you really were; my life would be so much easier and better.  Hey, do you think I could convince you to leave your lady?”

“Probably not, but I appreciate the offer,” I said.

The conversation ended and as she walked away, I was hoping that she could reason with her man and that he’d be able to see that in this, his life with her just might be better if he were okay with her having what she needs for her happiness.  I don’t know what happened with them although I could have called her and asked her; maybe it worked out, maybe she never mentioned it to him or let him know what, apparently, she was already doing with her best friend.

If you love her as much as you say you do, why would you not give her the happiness she wants and needs?  It ain’t about you… but it could affect you in some very bad ways to deprive her of that which she needs – and in addition to what she needs from you.

Be safe!

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and Fellow Bisexual

 

How Are You Holding Up?

This pandemic has been a royal bitch and that’s putting it mildly.  On my own blog – and back when sheltering in place was being put into play, I was wondering how this would affect sexuality; one of the things I’ve been seeing is a great increase of the number of people looking for sex and along the sexuality spectrum.  I had wondered if this imposed isolation would get some folks reconsidering whether just being straight or gay wasn’t all that viable an option and more so for all those folks who are sharing a home with a MOTSS – member of the same sex – and because it’s not advisable to go out to get your usual sexual fix, how many people are thinking “any port in a storm?”

I learned a long time ago that when people get stressed and isolated, there’s an incredible urge to have sex and, as I saw on Facebook and Twitter, hmm, come December 2020, there’s going to be a lot of babies being born.  I looked at my own experiences and the times when myself and my peers were bored silly and isolated to the block we lived on and we’d done all we could do within that confinement… but we could sneak off and go have sex because we literally didn’t have anything else or better to do.  The adult version isn’t all that different although there’s always things one can do around the house but being confined like this brings a lot of additional stress like not being able to work, getting laid off and, oh, yeah, those bills aren’t going to just go away, are they?

The isolation also makes for a good condition for conversations to take place if one is of a mind to have them and because there’s only so much you can do without having to leave home to do it.  I suspect that any active bisexuals are losing their minds being grounded and I also suspect that there are, again, a lot of bisexual newbies who are in a situation to, um, not be a newbie any longer and many more who have determined that, you know, this is really a good time to be let off their leash and given how lethal this damned virus is proving to be.  Now, that doesn’t mean that one is going to think, “I’m not gonna get sick!” but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are of a mind that as long as they minimize human contact with a whole lot of people, they’ll be okay because the need for sex, again, becomes quite powerful in situations like this.

I wondered if all the people who are in sexless relationships are rethinking their decision to impose celibacy; I can’t think of a more irritating situation than to be confined with someone who is feeling a greater need to have sex… and you’re not of a mind to accommodate them.  Are such folks changing their mind about that… or is it possible that they could consider allowing that sex-crazed animal they’re stuck with to find their own solutions so that they, themselves, can remain celibate – and for whatever reason they’ve decided to be celibate?

Yep – I’m the guy who’d think about this stuff… because it’s some real-deal stuff.  I don’t profess to know a whole lot about women… but I know guys and I know what can happen when a guy needing sex and he’s at his wit’s end and without their usual outlet for sex being available… and spanking the monkey ain’t having the desired effect.  And even in this, I’ve wondered how people are, um, doing themselves since the privacy that’s usually needed for this has gone out the window and more so for all those folks who are sheltering in place with their children… and those of us who have children damn well know that they are pretty much the perfect birth control method since we’d prefer they not be prematurely exposed to the sex thing… and it’s pretty embarrassing to have them busting in on you while you’re trying to sneak some sexual relief in.

Is this imposed isolation making bisexuals have second thoughts about being bisexual?  Increasing a need to be, ah, more bisexual?  Less?  I found that when one faces a life-threatening situation, yeah, that’ll get you thinking about some stuff.  Quite a few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with unimaginable pain in my chest and after waking my wife up, found myself in the ER, taking doses of nitroglycerin and hooked up to more machines I didn’t think was possible to be connected to.  And, yes – I thought I was having a heart attack that was gonna take me out any moment now and it got me thinking about all of the things I hadn’t done… and, once it became clear that I wasn’t dying, a commitment to get them done.

Years later, when I had my stroke, the same thing flashed through my mind although, admittedly, that list of things I hadn’t gotten around to was way shorter than the original list and, yep – one of the things on the original list was to stop putting limits on my bisexuality so on the new list, it was about not taking my foot off the gas because it’s true that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.  So, sure – I’ve been wondering if there are bisexuals – and bisexuals-in-waiting – who are thinking along these lines and, sure, I’m gonna ask.

Because someone should ask.  So how is everyone holding up in this crisis?

I Don’t Know What to Tell You

I very much dislike saying this.  I am all for women embracing their bisexuality but the way we’ve always looked at love, sex, and relationships just makes it so very hard for women to do this.  Even single bisexual women tend to run into a brick wall when it comes to being able to fully express themselves in this way without a lot of childish and nasty things being said about them because they’re not “strickly dickly” and like they’re supposed to be.

You have what it means to be in a relationship – monogamy and faithfulness – and the worst thing for any bisexual is to be in a relationship with someone who, ah, doesn’t look kindly at anything that isn’t boy/girl and, again, like it’s supposed to be.  And it just sucks to willfully put yourself into a situation that isn’t going to allow you to be the woman you want and need to be.  I mean, things are slowly changing in this regard as more and more couples with a resident bisexual are seeing the necessity to take a step away from the way conventional relationships have been rigidly mandated to be and, from a man’s point of view, there is nothing worse than living with a woman who needs the touch of another woman… and she can’t get it.

Yeah, talk about hell not having much in the way of fury…

As a bisexual man who supports bisexual women, jeez, I really dislike running stuff through my head and coming to the very sad conclusion that, for many bisexual women, I just don’t know what to tell you other than do what you gotta do.  Until our society decides to grow the hell up and be more accepting and receptive to bisexuality – and we get off our asses and make a push to redefine what it means to be in a relationship, I realize that many of you have little in the way of choices and it pains me so very much to know there are bisexual women out there who aren’t being allowed to be bisexual…

Even when the general consensus is that, ah, bisexual women are the shit.  The mythical and elusive unicorn that makes straight women look like they don’t know squat about having sex.  We can, at a high level of thought – allow that if “Sally” wants to sleep with “Amy” – but then gives “Brad” a run for his money, well, okay – it’s just a “girl thing” – nothing to see here and nothing really unusual going on, well, not until a woman not only decides that bisexuality is the best fit for them, she makes it known that, uh, she wouldn’t object to being able to openly explore this bisexual thing.  Now she’s all kinds of sluts and whores and let’s not forget they’re some really fake bitches because they’re just saying they’re bisexual so they can get their gold-digging hooks into a man.

It sickens me to see how immature we are about all of this and more so when we like to say we’re better than that… and we really aren’t.

Okay, my lady lets me know that she loves me… but she likes women, too.  Yeah… here comes the much-dreaded and hated threesome thing and, I’m sorry, but guys can just be assholes about that.  If she tells me this and tells me how she feels, believes, and thinks that being openly bisexual is going to make her a better person – for herself and for me, too – does it make sense to tell her that she’d better not even think about that or, damn it, you can do it… as long as I get to be all up in the mix.

I don’t know what to tell you about this other than a lot of men, sadly, thinks a bisexual woman is all about them and we’re so possessive and insecure that other than the sex, the only reason why we wanna be all up in girlfriend’s bizness is so we can make sure she doesn’t leave us or, yeah, to make sure she’s not gonna enjoy being with a woman as much as she thought… because she’s supposed to be first and foremost all about the dick.

Yeah, it often shames me to be a man and be guilty by association for having this very juvenile and terribly outdated and outmoded mindset.  If you’re not going to be of a mind to let your woman be the woman she needs to be, why in the name of all that’s holy are you doing everything you can to prevent this?  Dude, ain’t it your damned job to make and keep her happy so she can be the best she can be?  And, sadly, I can “hear” a lot of guys saying, “Yeah, but…” – and here comes the very long list of reasons why girlfriend can’t be bisexual and, oh, yeah, by the way, none of the crap that’s gonna come out of his mouth has anything to do with her… because it’s all about him.

And dudes want to know why their lady will get it into her head to get her a woman anyway?  Yeah… the “Ch” word.  Not a woman’s first choice and is usually a measure of last resort and some guys are really that stupid to think that girlfriend can’t and won’t find reason to activate that measure of last resort because, you know, his cock is all she’s ever gonna want and need.  What arrogance.  An unimaginable degree of cluelessness.

I don’t know what to tell you… other than I know some stuff about this that allows me to understand your plight since, as a bisexual man, that’s been my plight at times in my life, too.  It still saddens me that even armed with all I’ve learned about this, the only and “best” thing I can say is to do what you gotta do and if there’s something you want to do bad enough, you’ll find a way to do it.  It saddens me that many of my bisexual sisters will choose to do nothing… then wind up being so terribly depressed because they can’t be who and what they need to be and because some dude said so.  And guys wonder why women tell us, time and time again, that we don’t know shit about women and what makes them tick?

Sometimes, I feel as if I’ve totally and utterly failed all of my bisexual sisters… but I snap out of it because it’s not my fault my bi sisters are trapped and “imprisoned” in a heterosexual world that, for whatever reason, ain’t really working for them all that well:  It’s our society that’s at fault; it’s that ancient and flawed crap about what relationships are supposed to be like and the only acceptable sex that is to be allowed; it’s the continuation of that stupid-assed perception that men know what women want and need better than women do and, again, all a woman really needs is a nice hard dick to take care of all her sexual needs.

And there’s not a whole lot I can do about that other than to tell all of my bisexual sisters:  Do what you gotta do and if you really need it, find a way to get it… because I do know how not getting it can mess with you in ways that ain’t even close to being good.  And I know that this sentiment might not hold water so much.  Yep – I’d give my lady my blessings if she wanted to check out other women for sexual and even emotional succor because I’d be nine kinds of an asshole to think or otherwise believe that I’m everything she’s ever gonna want and need… but unlike a lot of guys, I learned this very important lesson and I did learn it the hard way… but learn it I did.

I just do not know what else I can tell you other than to not ever give up and, again and again, do what you gotta do and if what you gotta do about this is nothing at all, I understand – and my heart and soul goes out to you.  Wow… I’m feeling kinda crappy and I do apologize for that…

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

“I’m Lookin’ For a Love”

This is actually the title of a song I heard a long time ago by a group called The Persuasions and it came to mind because bisexuals – both male and female – have a common problem:  Finding a lover.  I’m a member of a forum site for bisexuals and while there are women on this site, eh, we don’t hear much from them but the guys are almost always asking about how they can find a lover and, preferably, a Friend With Benefits rather than the now and much-dreaded casual hookup.  It doesn’t matter whether the guy in question is single, married or otherwise hooked up although, as you all know, the last two things bring their own problems to this party.

A lot of guys will state their preferred or ideal lover and, at least to me, quantum physics is less complicated.  While it’s almost instinctual to ask yourself what kind of person would you want as a lover and then create a long list of rather exact criteria that a potential lover has to meet and most of it is non-negotiable, what usually happens is a guy finds that he’s set the bar way too high and has made it damned near impossible for anyone to meet the required criteria.  Among bi guys, there is a resistance or outright rejection of casual sex that’s taking center stage these days because, for one, a lot of guys are of a mind that if they have an NSA encounter, they’re gonna most definitely get infected with something and, for the other, a lot of bi guys are more relationship-minded than at any other time I can remember so if their dream guy isn’t of a mind to be their FWB, it’s an instant deal breaker.

Then there are the guys who desperately want a male lover… and they’re doing nothing except maybe trolling the apps but, by and large, just sitting on their ass and waiting for a Mr. Right to drop out of the sky and into their lives.  Even if they use one of many apps out there for this, they won’t engage someone who might be checking them out and won’t even agree to meet someone even if it’s just to lay eyes on each other.  Guys are losing their minds about dating other men and asking why it’s so hard to do, why a lot of guys ain’t interested in dating, stuff like that and instead of keeping at it, they throw their hands in the air and just whine and complain about there not being any men they can get with when, usually, what they really mean is that they can’t find a guy who can meet their very exacting requirements and expectations.

I know quite a few bi gals who are like this as well but, being honest, you almost expect women to be highly picky about who gets to get in their panties and while I’ve not seen women looking for women to be… overly detailed about the kind of woman they want to be with, those I know are sitting around wondering why they can’t find their Ms. Right and, sometimes, can’t even find a Ms. Right Now.

And to those men and women I say that if you’re not willing to put in any of the work that’s required to find a lover, you’re not gonna find one.  Yeah, married folks have a different kind of problem with this but the basic premise is still the same whether you have permission or you’ve decided to take matters into your own hand:  You want a lover?  Get to looking for one and the search begins with taking a very close look at where you’ve set the bar and if you’ve actually set the bar too high for anyone to reach.  Yeah, yeah, I know – you want what you want and the way you want it but for those of you looking for a lover, ah, how’s that been working for you?

If I’ve learned nothing about being bisexual, I’ve learned that if you want to have the sex, it’s better that you make it easier to have it rather than to make it damned near impossible for someone to get you into bed.  Yeah, yeah, I know – ain’t too many women fond of being tagged as being easy but when I say make it easier, I mean that the thing anyone should do is have a set of minimum requirements rather than creating that laundry list of requirements that will pretty much guarantee that you’re not gonna find a lover.  Making it easier doesn’t mean being reckless, careless, or anything like that because you still have to be discriminating so that you can protect yourself at all time and if you’re, um, out on the side looking for a lover, making sure your ass is covered and all that.

So if you have a list of requirements, take a very close look at them… then get yourself “out there” so you can look for someone and someone can find you.  Of course, the thing that drives many bisexuals crazy is the fact that you can’t look at someone and tell that they might be bi; hell, you can talk to some people and not get a clue that they’re bi.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t “hang out” in places where people tend to gather and that can be pretty much anywhere and not necessarily the local bar or club.  The biggest and most real problem, of course, is how to strike up a conversation with someone just to find out if they may be bisexual and, yeah, it really does suck to find out that, oops, they aren’t.  I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I know that guys have fits trying to steer conversations in this direction… but many do find a way to squeeze it in since guys, um, well, we like to talk about sex and since we know this, now it’s a matter of “sneaking in” the topic if possible and then gauging their responses… but with the understanding that chances are good that if the other guy is, in fact, bisexual, he might not want to talk about it because bi guy fear being outed more than they fear anything else about this.

A lot of bisexuals can’t find a lover because they keep getting rejected… by people who have set the bar really high.  In this, that’s not any different from “normal” dating and trying to get laid; you might very well make it easy for someone to take you to bed but you can almost bet that other people are making it hard for you and themselves so to that end, the way to go is to not get frustrated over being rejected and you just don’t give up, not if this is something you really want and need.  Again, I don’t know about women in this but I do know that a lot of guys tend to be… pushy and aggressive and that’s a real deal-breaker so it pays to not be pushy and aggressive while not appearing to be needy which, honestly, that’s kinda the truth, ain’t it?  You need a lover so you can have the sex and other intimacies you need?

You’d probably be surprised by the things guys reject other guys for; again, it’s well-known that women can be really funny about who can get naked with them but I’m here to tell you that there are guys that make most women look very easy when it comes to this.  Rejection is just an occupational hazard in any of this but, again, just because you get rejected or you reject someone doesn’t mean that you should stop looking and trying.  You should, in my opinion, ask yourself what is the minimum thing you’re willing to do to get what you want; what are the minimum qualities the other person has to have?  Are stunning looks really a hard-set requirement and are their things in your mind that cannot be negotiated?  Sure… ya might not want to sleep with “just anyone” but it’s still a matter of what, if anything, you’re willing to do to find a lover and whether it’s just for “one night” or something a bit more lasting.

And if you’re sitting around waiting for someone to stumble onto you, well, that ain’t gonna cut it.  Sure, you could get lucky like that but I keep stressing that if you want and need a lover, you gotta do the work it takes to find and get one.  Got a problem with Mr. or Ms. Right Now?  Hmm, maybe rethinking your position on NSA stuff might be in order.  A Mr. or Ms. Right a must for you?  Okay… what’s the least thing they gotta have going for them so that you can consider them?  And might I point out that if you’re looking for instant chemistry, you’re going about this the wrong way because any kind of relationship has to be cultivated – ya gotta look for all of the things you may have in common instead of relying solely on chemistry instantly hitting you like a bolt of lightning and, indeed, a lot of bisexual make themselves sit on the bench because they don’t want to be bothered with creating their own chemistry with someone.

Are you looking for a love or, really, a lover?  What are you doing toward that worthy goal?  What aren’t you doing?  Yeah… married people.  Absolutely the worst situation a bisexual can be in, right?  Got a husband or wife who ain’t feeling you having a lover other than them?  Kinda okay with you having a lover… as long as they can get involved and, yeah, wants to be in charge of whatever you want to do and screen those you wanna do something with?  Yep – this situation puts a very major crimp in your quest to find a lover and the bad part is getting uncrimped is up to you to figure out if you can.  I don’t recommend it but I will say, for the record, that many bisexuals take this matter into their own hands and accept the consequences of their actions – and I’ll leave it at that.

You’re not gonna find a lover if you don’t look for one; a potential lover isn’t going to find you if you’re not “out there” to be found.  If you set the bar too high, chances are very good that the only person who can reach that far only exists inside your head.  If you don’t make this easy on yourself, well, good luck with that.  Don’t get discouraged when you get rejected if you can manage it – it’s a normal part of trying to find a lover and regardless to one’s sexual orientation, right?  And look everywhere and be seen everywhere… because you never know when you just might meet the lover you need and if it happens to be Mr. or Ms. Right Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing because, as I told a guy who was looking for his Mr. Right, if you’re not willing to “interview” people for the position (and that includes sleeping with them if you’re actually feeling them like that), how are you gonna find Mr. Right?  I told him that he didn’t have to be stupid about it but checking out Mr. Right Now will accomplish one important thing:  He was gonna get laid.  So if you’re looking for a lover, eh, you might consider this take on things.

There’s no cut and dried way to go about doing this – your results are definitely gonna vary.  I just happen to know what people do make it harder for them to find a lover or for a potential lover to find them and take them to bed.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

You Are Not Alone

This a kind of PSA for any/all men and women dealing with bisexuality:  You are not as alone in this as you think and feel.  We are legion; we are in such great numbers that we cannot be counted.  I know what it feels like to have these… dual feelings and how weird but kinda wonderful they feel and you almost can’t help getting the sense that you’re the “only one like this” when, in fact, you aren’t… and you never were.  It’s a self-induced mindfuck, actually, and more so if at any time in your life, you were aware of the fact that men have sex with men and women have sex with women so if you learned this, nope – you were never alone in this.

Upon discovery of these feelings, there’s a crazy thing going on; you wanna tell the whole world about how you feel… and you don’t dare tell a soul about it since there are a lot of people who, bluntly, will think you’re some kind of freak or sex fiend because you’re not straight like they are… or not gay like they are.  And even in this, you’re still not alone because there are a lot of bisexuals who are “in the closet” and feel that they must stay there and, often, at the expense of alienating themselves from friends and family, to stop being as social as they were before they discovered their bisexuality lest someone find out about it and starts reading them the riot act.

And I’m here today to tell you that if you’ve gone into some kind of shell, feel like you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and those you know, and meeting new friends is just too “dangerous,” you’re making a mistake and being your own worst enemy.  Yes, I know what it’s like when you’re bisexual and you want to share this and, ah, biblically so; you want, need, and crave that carnal knowledge but being able to obtain this knowledge isn’t that easy; it’s frustrating, kinda depressing, and can just make you feel some kind of way and I say to you all, don’t let this mess with your head.  Some people can do; some people can’t and it’s a for-real bummer but know that you’re not alone even in this because there are a mind-boggling number of bisexuals who want to gain that carnal knowledge and they can’t… or they haven’t yet.

I know it’s easier said than done but be at peace with yourself about being bisexual.  Understand that being bisexual – and when it comes to being social and even intimate – isn’t any different from being straight or gay and trying to find someone you can be with, whether it’s just friendship, a relationship of some kind and, yeah, just to scratch that itch when it has to be scratched so any sense of frustration and even loneliness you may be feeling isn’t just you – it’s millions of people all over the world.

You were never alone in any of this.  Right this very moment, there are an untold number of men and women who ache for that same-sex touch, to be able to talk to someone who is like themselves and take care of that need to be understood and, yes, to get that confirmation that you’re not alone in any of this.  Bisexuality, and as I’ve said many, many times, isn’t just about doing – it’s about being and that means, by and large, just being yourself, going about your life doing the things you normally do and being aware that there are few places on this planet you can go where there aren’t any bisexuals other than yourself; you’ve probably walked past quite a few every time you’ve left home to do something – you just didn’t know that you did and, even in this, you’re still not as alone as you might feel.  If you’ve always been a outgoing and friendly kind of person, being bisexual should never, ever, stop you from being that kind of person. If, by chance, you’re not the type of person who makes friends easily or otherwise have problems being social, well, maybe it’s time you find a way to change this so that the feelings of loneliness and the emotional pain it causes can get kicked to the curb, huh?

No, it’s not “that simple” but it can be done and many people have found ways to do it because they know that being alone and isolated just ain’t cutting it and that a life lived in fear isn’t worth living.  And, yes, even in this, you were never alone because there are way too many people who feel that just being social is beyond them.  For decades of my life, I have said that the worst thing about being bisexual isn’t discovering that you are or trying to have the sex that’s possible:

It’s not having someone to talk to about it.  And, yes, you’re still not alone because there are untold numbers of bisexual who doesn’t have someone they can talk to about being bisexual and not just talk about it – being understood in this and accepted.  We know that there are people who can’t understand and sure as hell won’t accept this thing about us… but there are many who will – you just have to do something to find them or, if you can and dare to, get the person you’re with to face some facts that, perhaps, they don’t want to face.  Daunting, yes, I know, but I maintain that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Go Google sites for bisexuals and join in the discussions or just sit back in the cut and see what other’s are saying and/or doing.  Write a blog and, you know, if you’re worried about it being discovered, well, WordPress has an excellent password feature that can be employed but if that still makes you paranoid, start a journal and write about being bisexual – whatever’s on your mind about it – and then, at times, go back and re-read what you’ve written to see if you’re feeling better or worse about being bisexual because, um, if you can’t “talk to yourself” about it, who else is gonna listen?

Not alone.  Never alone.  Clearly and obviously not the only bisexual on the planet because there’s another bisexual telling you this.  Duh, huh?  I say to all of you that you shouldn’t despair or otherwise make yourself crazy over this and that, again, you’re not the only one going through this – it just feels that way and this is the part where I’d suggest that you let your intelligence be in charge of things rather than to let any negative emotions you may be feeling drive the bus since, um, eh, those emotions just suck at driving.  Do not be afraid or continue to be afraid to be yourself even if you have reason to keep your bisexuality hidden from those who would look down on you for not being straight because, again, a life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

Yes – it’s easy for me to say but know that I’ve been in that lonely, miserable place, have felt that I was the only one who felt like this, and that others would see me as a freak or a sex fiend – well, okay, I am a sex fiend because sex is so much fun.  But I learned that I was never alone and that being lonely in this is a choice a lot of people make when it comes to this and it doesn’t make sense to do this myself – so I don’t.

You shouldn’t, either.  By reading this, know that there’s at least one person who’s on your side – me – and if there’s one person, there are many more should you seek them out so that you can confirm that you’re not as alone as you think you are and I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if you need to find someone – even just to have someone to talk to – and you’re not doing it, well, that’s your fault, isn’t it?  It’s not your partner’s fault, not your family’s fault, not the fault of anyone you know – it’s 100% on you because you decided to hide yourself away just because you’re bisexual and you probably don’t want anyone else to know that you are.

And, yeah, still not alone, even in this kind of self-destructive kind of thinking.  Maybe you can’t do anything; still not alone in this.  But I say to you all that if you’re feeling alone, the only real reason you are is that you’re doing it to yourself.  Can’t talk to your partner about this?  Okay – it is what it is… doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t find someone you can talk to and if you think that you can’t, well, ya might want to give some thought about that because the last I heard, it’s not illegal or immoral to talk to other people other than your partner.

You’re not alone.  You were never alone.  Whether being bisexual is working well for you or not, you just aren’t alone in this and you really need to take this to heart and be lifted up in spirit knowing that you were never alone in this.

KDaddy 23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

The Fear of Loss

I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met who would like to explore bisexuality with another woman and it ain’t happening because of the fear of loss.  Most have a man – married, shacking up, etc., and losing the security in being in a relationship is of great concern and in some situations, finding themselves having to do some major damage control should homey decide to put her on blast for the relationship and then make everyone believe he was the real victim.

These two things, alone, will stop most women from cheating and, frankly, you can’t blame a woman for not wanting to put her situation in jeopardy.  Still, a lot of women have this fear of loss, fear some damage to their reputation… and decide it’s worth the risks to, at the very least, test the waters to see if getting the girlfriend they need is doable and how things are gonna have to work in order to pursue a clandestine relationship and, hopefully, without homey being the wiser.  Yes – it all sounds pretty messed up and more so when a lot of women would not look at it with much kindness if homey were to cheat on her so now it’s thinking about why you’d want to do something that you’d crucify homey for.

Believe me – it can and has been justified and the fear of loss be damned.  As such, there are three choices available:  Ask for permission, proceed without permission, and to do nothing… and any of the three can be problematic and this is almost immediately apparent when a woman is sitting and thinking about what she can do with the way she’s been feeling.  It’s enough to put a woman in a very funky mood to see that she can’t win without losing so they choose to do nothing and winds up in even more of a funky a foul mood and tends to find out – and what many bisexuals in a relationship find out – that this being married/hooked up ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

While many women will not step to the side to scratch their itch for the touch of another woman – and because of the fear of loss – many often become aware of what they’ve already lost and high up on this list is her individuality and followed by losing her right to make decisions for herself without hubby’s approval and I’m talking about “simple” things like one woman I know wanted to go to college and get the degree she always wanted… and her husband slammed the door on it so hard the “frame” cracked; he told her she didn’t need to this and there were things around the house she could do to keep her busy.  If she had a lot of female friends prior to getting married, chances are she’s gonna lose a lot of them, not because she’s now a married woman but because her husband will drive them away and with the thought that she doesn’t need anyone else in her life but him and sometimes that includes alienating her from her family.

If she’s retained her friends and under the “You ain’t ever gonna tell me who I can be friends with!” rule, maybe she can hang out with the girls, maybe she can’t because he’s gonna raise all kinds of hell so to avoid any further arguments, no hanging out with the girls.  There really did used to be a time when a man didn’t want his woman working but these days, two incomes are very much needed so at least a woman can go to work and interact with her coworkers and all that but making new friends at work, eh, that might be a problem all by itself and telling him that you and a couple of the girls at work are gonna make a pit stop for a drink after work might make him feel some kind of way.

A lot of women in this situation feel as if they don’t have a life other than the one they voluntarily conscripted themselves into.  The loss of individuality.  The loss of that sense of freedom to act on anything that may be of benefit to her.  The loss of social interaction with other women she may resonate with.  And losses that are magnified by their fear of losing him and even vilified because she has the utter gall to want more than he’s able – or willing – to give.

The bad news?  I don’t know what to tell y’all about finding a remedy to this predicament.  As a husband, well, I know what I’d do but I’m a special kind of guy and I know not all guys are like this.  I’m a bit of an advocate for female bisexuality as much as I am for male bisexuality and I kinda hate it when I have to backpedal and tell my fellow bisexuals who are trapped by the fear of loss to do their best to prevent loss… but do what you gotta do.  Being monogamous?  I’m no longer a fan and while there are benefits to being monogamous, there are more downsides to it so it’s not only bad to be trapped by that fear of loss, the trap tightens under the guise monogamous bliss which, depending on how it’s being interpreted, can result in those other losses I mentioned earlier.

Historically, women have been of a mind that if you can’t accept me as I am – and you’d better know that I’m subject to change more than the weather – then you need to keep on walking.  And the mistake guys make is that we do say that we accept a woman as they are… and in that moment… and not give a single thought to who she might be at any other point in time and, again, just forgetting and even ignoring that she’s liable and capable of changing her mind faster than the speed of light… and then, perhaps, being foolish enough to believe that we can deal with those changes.  I mean, if you’re a guy, meeting a woman you like is also like sitting on a hand grenade that has its pin pulled – you just don’t know when it’s gonna go off and some guys compare this to trying to walk through a minefield and knowing that one wrong step is gonna be a bad one.  Some of us are also stupid enough to really believe that because we’re husband, wifey is just gonna do whatever we tell them to do… or not to do and, yeah, a lot of times, that doesn’t work all that well for him.

Telling a woman what she can’t do is usually the fastest way to ensure she’s gonna do it – and sometimes out of sheer spite.  How dare you!   You ain’t my daddy and you ain’t the boss of me!  So telling her that she can’t do something that she thinks is going to benefit her, well, that’s not going to go over very well with her and especially this bisexual thing.  I’d like to say that I don’t know why more men are not of a mind to let their woman be the woman she needs to be but I’d be lying – I do know and some of it is a man’s own fear of loss which, by the way, is why so many guys bring up the much-dreaded threesome or try to put whatever she may want to do on lockdown as much as possible because he might not say it but he’s very much afraid of losing her – and losing her to another woman.

The whole model of what it means to be in a relationship needs to be seriously revised.  That “keeping only unto yourself” thing works for some, not so much for others and instead of couples working together to make their relationship the best it can be, they wind up working toward making sure they remain stuck in place and with no changes allowed.  We never, ever account for the fact that as a person, we have things we desire but one of the foibles of being in a relationship is the contention that to be in a relationship, sacrifices must be made and in the form of giving up a whole lot of things to ensure that your partner doesn’t leave you.  We all know what marriage is… but we don’t all agree on what being married means – and I’ll point out again that if you’re in a non-married relationship, the same rules apply.  Instead of a relationship being the partnership it was probably meant to be, it usually winds up being a dictatorship where one person decides that their idea of being in a relationship is the only way to be in one and, to that end, their word is law and if you don’t like it, get out.

It’s no wonder that bisexuals have the bad rap of being cheaters because the tenets of monogamy just does not allow for these kind of changes to occur without dissolving the relationship which, time and time again, I tend to point out isn’t always the smartest thing to do.  People cheat because their needs are either not being met or are being ignored… and they feel that they have no other choice than to go this route – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – because doing nothing about this can be a lot more damaging than the loss of a relationship can be.  I personally just do not understand why a man who knows his woman wants and needs another woman in her life won’t let her go about this given that a woman who gets denied this freedom tends to get… bitchy – and that’s being nice about it.  You’ve now scorned her… and you’re gonna wind up paying for it and usually along the line of the death of a thousand cuts and, oh, yeah – if you were worried about losing her, you just pretty much set yourself up for that dreaded loss to occur.

In this, there is always honor to be considered and it’s not to be taken lightly but some real-deal truth is that honor doesn’t hold a lot of water when there’s a reason to invoke Rule #1 – Take care of your own ass first.  It’s self-preservation, actually, that need to save yourself from a potentially damaging situation – and it can be an emotional need to save your ass (just as much as a physical one).  It creates a conundrum:  You don’t want to be… dishonorable but if you don’t do this, the damage to your self-esteem can be great and unrepairable… but if you do go behind homey’s back, yeah, you could lose him and it’s not in your best interest to suffer that loss.  So what do you do when doing nothing just might be quite harmful to you and your mental health?

This is where it gets iffy and perhaps a bits risky.  Ask for permission but before you even bring this to his attention, be ready to present a good argument on why you should be allowed to do this and be ready to make some concessions and some that, bleh, you might not want to make.  Don’t let him tell you that there’s no way you can be feeling the way you do; this is not some phase or silly shit like that and if you accept this, well, ladies, he’s minimizing you and implying that you don’t know how you’re feeling – but he somehow does.  Don’t let him make this all about him and know that he’s gonna do just that and don’t make the mistake in presenting this as just being about you; it’s really about the both of you and what the two of you can do to attend to this need.  Relationships aren’t just about sacrifice – they’re about compromise, too, and wanting to have a girlfriend is about compromise – giving something in order to get something and if you’re not prepared to entertain anything he might want in return, don’t say anything to him about this.

It’s not going to be easy – duh – but you can’t give up after one conversation and the smart move is to wait for a period of time and bring it up again and, yeah, pointing out some stuff that he just might be aware of, oh, like how much less you’ve been interacting with him and what being denied this is doing to your state of mind.  If you fold up like a house of cards after the first conversation, well, you’ve failed yourself and have further contributed to giving up your sense of self.  He’s gonna be pissy but you might even remind him that his job is to make and keep you happy in all things and not just the things he thinks you need.  So if you’re of a mind to ask permission, get ready for a fight and be ready to be in this fight for the long haul.  A lot of women do this because this is so important to them that giving up on it isn’t a viable option…

So guess what happens next.  Yep, you know – she does it anyway and despite the fear of loss and reprisal and the legalities be damned.  I don’t encourage women to cheat – I just know that if they have reason to, they will and I’m the guy who will tell other guys that if you don’t want her cheating on you, your best bet is to give her permission to be the woman she needs to be and learn to deal with your own sense of loss and get it out of your head that you know what’s best for her…

Because you really don’t. I say to all of you that you have the power to effect change in a situation that, by design, does not and will not allow for such changes.  I don’t know about any other husband or boyfriend but I’d rather be with a woman who is happy being the woman she is than to be with one who is supremely miserable and because my own stubbornness and, dare I say, ignorance, is responsible for the way she’s feeling and behaving.  I say to every woman reading this that if you’re not gonna stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Him?  Well, you almost know how that’s been working for you, huh?

The fear of loss is powerful… but losing yourself is even more powerful.  It’s human nature to do anything that can be done for the sake of self-preservation and this is no different.  Women don’t want to cheat any more than men really want to; I know why cheating happens and the biggest contributor to needs not being met, address, or ignored is a massive failure to communicate.  If hubby asks you what’s wrong and you say, “Nothing…” you’ve failed.  If you tell him what’s wrong and he pitches a bitch about it, he’s failed to do the one thing he needed to do:  Listen to what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.  If you’re afraid to say something to him about this because you “know” he’s gonna say no, well, hmm – he might not because you think you know him… and you might not know him as well as you think you do and no more than he thinks he really knows you.

If you don’t try, you fail.  If you don’t keep trying, you fail.  If you’re not willing to concede some stuff to get what you want, you fail.  Because in any of this, yes – it’s about you… and not really since what you do affects him as well.  And if it comes to pass that negotiation continues to fail and more… extreme measures are called for, all I can say is that I hope you have a plan and a damned good one because if you get busted, that fear of loss will become a very real thing.