I Want to Cheat!!!

Seems to be the common theme in these pages.

I haven’t written about cheating since our early days but with the high influx of comments from readers struggling with desires, urges, thoughts, feelings of cheating I feel it’s time to go over this again.

Let’s look at this from several angels.

#1- You cheat. Your spouse doesn’t find out. You win…or do you?

What’s done in the dark will come to the light. Maybe in softly spoken words in your sleep, an open, forgotten, unattended email account, a phone record, a text message, a smell, a look, an anything that can shatter your world in a millisecond can happen. Do you really want to risk your partner finding out one day…potentially?

If you’re willing to cheat also ask yourself are you ready to lose EVERYTHING you’ve built with your spouse?

Are you ready to change where you live, your friends, how your children see you, how your family sees you, how people at your place of worship will view you?

Are you ready to turn your whole life upside down because YOU ruined your marriage by cheating?

#2 You don’t cheat. You don’t tell your partner how you feel either. You become distant, you daydream, you late night internet search, you watch porn, you fantasize about your bisexual desires while having sex with your partner. Your partner notices the rift between you two, you refuse to talk about it now the rift becomes a chasm and shit gets tense in your marriage.

Why not talk about it?

How will your life change if you do talk about it?

Will talking about it yield a better possible outcome than not talking about it?

If you do talk about it how could your life improve?

If you don’t continue to talk about it will not talking about it make your bisexuality any less real?

Will your silence slowly dwindle your desires or secretly fuel them even more?

#3 You decide to talk about it and…

All hell breaks loose. Your partner can’t deal, your marriage is threatened and you feel you’ve made the worst mistake ever by opening your big mouth. In all reality, if your partner can’t love you for who you are the real question isn’t your bisexuality or your love for your partner, it’s your partner’s love for you. Nobody says your partner has to accept you sleeping with other people but your partner should love you enough to hear you out, respect your feelings and be willing to have a decent conversation about what you’re going through. If not you need to ask yourself are you really happy with someone you can’t talk to about your truest feelings?

OR

Your spouse listens. Your spouse asks questions. You and your spouse discuss options that fit your marriage best. You take your time and work things out and your marriage improves for the understand you’ve built.

There are SO MANY ways the conversation could go. You know your spouse, you know you. You know your relationship. You know your level of communication and understanding with your spouse.

Either way it goes, it’s wrong to cheat.

You know it, that’s why you haven’t done it yet.

You also know nothing good comes of cheating in the long run.

Cheating only yields immediate satisfaction, but then what?

Think about the ‘then what’ part.

Play the whole thing out, including the part where your spouse finds out, before you do anything at all.

Are you okay with the way the story ends?

-Jay Dee, Founder

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12 thoughts on “I Want to Cheat!!!

  1. Bisexual married man with a young daughter. My wife is monogamous, but beyond that doesn’t really talk/want to talk about her emotions. I’m out to her and I insist I’m bisexual, but it’s sort of a one-sided discussion. I’d be more than happy to listen to her feelings responses, but she doesn’t really have any except to say “Well how would you feel if I was with someone else,” without really hearing that the answer to that is complicated.

    I don’t want to cheat, but we’ve more or less stopped having sex. I feel as if I want a friend (of either gender) I can be really close with. The friendship doesn’t need to involve intercourse or sex per se, but I’d like a little room to maneuver beyond something that feels like an almost rigid monogamy. Snuggling, emotional intimacy but no sex? Anyway, I’m not sure how to manage this; I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I want to be forthright, since I’m a bad liar in any case, but it’s really hard to manage a relationship with a partner who doesn’t really want to talk about feelings.

  2. I wish I had found this blog before. I have been married for 14 years to a heterosexual male who was aware of a long term lesbian relationship that I’d been in for many years prior to meeting him. Things were great until emotional neglect crept into our marriage and I began seeking affection outside of it, first with a mutual male friend ( no sex was had, only intimate conversations and hand holding), but then 6 months ago, I found a woman wit whom I was instantly and deeply attracted. Sorrowfully, we crossed the line quickly and became sexual partners and fell in love. My husband knew but gave me rhe benefit of the doubt and hoped for the best…but I finally admitted to him that the woman and I are lovers and that I am bisexual after all. Now we are in the throes of his distrust for my wrongful behaviour and he has left me alone with our two kids. I’d vowed to leave the woman alone to restore the marriage because I feel more deeply attracted to the husband now that he knows everything ….but I fear it is too late. I wish that I 1. Wouldn’t have cheated or 2. Would have kept the cheating a secret and just ended it silently or 3. Just told him about my bisexuality and let us together decide acceptable.parameters. I know that he wouldn’t have allowed me to get/give satisfaction to a woman as long as we’re still married, so it would have likely been a yearning that I’d have had to suppress for the long haul. If restored marriage is the option we take, seems like that will happen anyways…..I am so glad I found a place to be heard and understood here.

    1. Obviously you have always been Bisexual. You should have Spoken to your hubby very intensely before you two became serious. He Also knew exactly what he was getting into. Did he seriously think a Bisexual woman would become straight just for him?

      Was there really emotional neglect from him or was it you using that as an excuse to continue to seek more sexual adventure in your life?

      Your husband knew you fell in love with a woman and gave you the benefit of the doubt. What does that mean in this case? Did he not realise you were not at home at night whilst you were out with here getting to know her?

      You wrote “I’d vowed to leave the woman alone to restore the marriage because I feel more deeply attracted to the husband now that he knows everything” The Husband!!!! Not my Husband? I think that alone reflects your feelings for him :/

      I see one of your acceptable options is to keep the cheating a secret. Again! This demonstrates maybe it’s just you seeking more sexual adventures in life and not about hubby neglecting you.

      I think you know what needs to be done but you want others to say it for you. Leave hubby now and give him some dignity and an opportunity to meet a new woman and start over.

  3. As A Lesbian Woman I Fully Support All Bisexual Women/People/LGBT+! I Highly Recommend Everybody Here To Go And Watch The Powerful Free Lesbian Short Film “Between Us” It’s Available To Watch On YouTube:)

  4. Cheating is wrong and everyone knows this… but it seems to me that no one is willing to do whatever is necessary to make infidelity not be an issue in a relationship. I’ve been saying this lately: We would rather cling to dogma than to accept a new understanding. The notion that two people can be bound together and tasked with seeing to all of each other’s needs is a fairy tale we’ve all been made to believe… and it’s practically impossible to do. Any need you may have that your partner doesn’t want to see to goes ignored and unfulfilled and that will eventually build a lot of bad feelings which results in this question: “What about what I want/need?”

    People will either continue to wallow in a pit of despair and add to the stupidly high divorce rate in this country… or they will invoke rule number one – take care of your own ass first – and go get what they want and need from other sources… because it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… because getting permission is forbidden and if you can’t get your needs taken care of the person who is supposed to handle them, well, too bad and it sucks to be you.

    The easiest way to prevent cheating is for couples to get rid of their lists of what they’re not gonna do; we let our fears and past failures with relationships destroy us. Bad relationship makes us say, “I’m never gonna do (add something here) for anyone ever again!” and without understanding that this mindset will, one day, come back to destroy what could have been a damned good relationship… if their reticence to take care of their partner’s needs didn’t force that partner to cheat on them.

    We suck at communicating with each other, often keeping things inside when we should sit and talk about what, if anything, can be done to make sure all wants and needs can be dealt with. We can’t speak to these things without fear of reprisal and we don’t listen when we need to; we get so self-absorbed in whatever we’re doing that we never see the signs that things are about to go south on us and when they do, we have no idea what happened or why it did.

    You wanna put an end to infidelity? Be a better partner and stop letting your fears and self-centered behaviors get in the way of your combined happiness and keep this in mind: Your relationship is only going to be as good as you make it and while monogamy has rules about this, you are free to make whatever rules you need to in order make and keep each other happy and if no one else likes it, that’s their problem and maybe they need to grow up.

    1. This is such a great response! I’ve been feeling that something is missing and a desire unfulfilled. I decided to come out and talk to my husband. To be open and honest. It wasn’t great but he was nice and not mean. He just doesn’t want me going out and doing anything without him. I just don’t know how to be comfortable with that. I just want to experiment with this part of me. I got married so young and had my kids right away. 19. I didn’t know anything about me and I just squished it all down. I’m 26 now and I’m feeling like I am missing out on something. I don’t know how else to explain it.

      Well thank you for your words about being honest and that it is unreasonable that I can get everything I need from one person.

      1. Hi Heather, Yes you certainly did settle down and have kids at such a young age. I certainly understand you wanting more sex with different people, It’s simply a life natural. So what did you suggest to your Husband about how you would meet other men? What was his response?

  5. This is such an amazing view, a great read for the many who find themselves wondering “where to go from here”. Maybe you’re just learning of your bisexuality and frustrated that you misread yourself so long, maybe you’ve always known but never acted and now you want to, or maybe you’ve experienced before enjoyed it and want to revisit. Wherever you are with your bisexuality, if you’re here probably married. Marriage is hard, in order to make a truly successful marriage two people must be capable of coming together with some common ground while each willing to make compromises for the other. That doesn’t mean that us as wives should feel that our husbands are required to push their security and feelings aside so that we can experience every pleasure we feel we’re entitled to. After all what are we sacrificing to meet that compromise? What we should expect from our husbands is acceptance and trust. Trust is earned, acceptance is gained over time, neither is found through cheating. If your husband is uncomfortable with you sharing yourself with someone else and if you’re truly committed to your husband than you’ll never be completely comfortable going against him. Perhaps a better option might be to try and make him more comfortable, try building on your current relationship to strengthen it to a point it can withstand a little extra. Be open to compromising your own desires first, while still making them known, before you expect your husband to make all the compromises. You both need to work together to find that common ground that works for both of you, anything else is destined for failure. Patience is virtue!!

    1. Hi Jen, I understand where you’re coming from. As a lesbian woman i can’t speak of experience with men but i can speak of life experience with people and married women i have been with over time. I do appreciate the position of men in these situations

      . You stated “That doesn’t mean that us as wives should feel that our husbands are required to push their security and feelings aside so that we can experience every pleasure we feel we’re entitled to”

      I think women are asking that when you say “Perhaps a better option might be to try and make him more comfortable” “try building on your current relationship to strengthen it to a point it can withstand a little extra”
      Would most women accept his little extra of a woman on the side for him?

      You speak of “a truly successful marriage of two people must be capable of coming together with some common ground while each willing to make compromises for the other”

      I know i may sound as the Devils advocate although Husbands are not the Devil, but i’m just saying it’s an interesting debate that can go on and on.

      If a Hubby is supportive of his wife finding love and passion with another, then wives must be supportive and trusting of Hubby when or if he comes home and wants to talk about the new woman in his life. She must listen as he describes how wonderful she is etc etc I’m sure he feels “Entitled” himself to every pleasure.

      Are there any wives here who are welcoming of Hubby having a girlfriend?

      1. That is a very interesting point and indeed a popular debate I’m sure. I guess I’m sitting in the middle of that right now. My husband feels that monogamy is something that should be practiced by both partners in a marriage, and he’s not wrong. And you’re right, I’m betting most of the wives here would NOT be welcoming of hubby having a girlfriend on the side, myself included. I know I must wishy washy…because I am. I agree with so many different opinions, sometimes one contradicts another. Truth is I’m more confused now than I’ve ever been in my life. So many questions, so few answers.

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