Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

I’m married.

That says a lot.

Like, A. Lot.

That  says “I’m unavailable” “I’m taken” “I’m monogamous” “I’m loyal” “I’m with someone for life”.

That’s usually what people hear when someone says, “I’m married.” or sees a wedding band on someone’s finger.

Most single people look for wedding bands or ‘tan lines’ before or while speaking to someone of interest.

Most single people ask if their romantic interest is ‘involved’ with someone.

All my life I’ve been in poly relationships. Never just one human. Never was me and I was always pretty up front about it. My romantic interests always tried to change that but it never went well. I didn’t mind committing to one person above all people, even commit to being his or her wife…but I never promised monogamy-despite some trying by any means to change that about me. I did abstain from a polyamorous lifestyle through my entire last marriage…and I suffered the entire time being untrue to myself.

Aside from that tidbit I couldn’t see a life of pure monogamy because I love both genders.

Now, here’s where it gets complicated.


I’m bisexual.

I’m married.

I’m committed, I’m loyal, I’m with someone for life…but I’m available to humans of the same gender, cis-gender females (women assigned female at birth) only as agreed upon by my husband and I.

We’ve discussed my attraction to trans females and he’s okay with it, as long as he’s involved 🙂

My husband and I have explored every facet of our sexualities with each other (as far as I know, but he may surprise me one day, lol) .

We have clear boundaries, clear communication and we’re okay with each other’s sexualities 110%.

Most females aren’t. That last statement may read like an incomplete thought but hear me out…

Let’s start with the rings. Females see my wedding rings, they don’t want to talk.

Makes all the sense in the world. I wouldn’t talk to someone with rings on.

I would be offended and disgusted by someone with rings on flirting or trying to speak intimately to me.

I’d be pissed off for their spouse!

Secondly, in today’s times rings can mean married to either gender so there’s  no way to tell if I have a wife or a husband just by presentation alone.

Either way it goes, I’m married.

If I get far enough to talk to someone intimately with my rings on and they don’t mention it, I become weary of that female quickly.

What kind of female would be willing to flirt or engage in intimate conversation without knowing anything regarding the status of those rings she can obviously see!?

In my current work I see women every day who would assume I’m Queer by the space we’re in.

I get smiles, I get hello’s but it never goes further than that.

My rings are pretty noticeable I’d say.

I love my wedding rings.

I love my husband.

I love the life we’ve built.

I also love women…

When I do get close to a female and there’s an obvious attraction immediately I hear one of the following: “Well, I don’t want to get to know your husband”, “He can’t watch.”, “I don’t want to have sex with him.”

There’s all these presumptions about me, him, us and because of these presumptions females are understandably guarded.

Most times organically meeting a woman has so many layers to it the challenge seems insurmountable and I loose the motivation to even try, killing any hopes for Ms. Right to enter my life.

The complexity of my sexuality only gets more complex with age.

-Jay Dee, Founder






5 thoughts on “Married but…Bisexual & Single…?

  1. I cant tell you how much just reading this blog has helped me. I dont know if this group is still active or not, but I hope so. I started googling today, just looking for someone that “gets it.” This has been a major help in not feeling so alone. I am married to a man, and I’m completely in love with a woman. I dont (necessarily) consider myself bi though…still a work in progress. Thank you all for sharing…

  2. Jay Dee and Kdaddy, I’ve found myself in this type of relationship. I’ve discovered bisexuality late in life thanks in part to my wife who admitted being bi, but that had me looking at myself. For the first time in my life, I am talking to another man about bisexuality and feel comfortable. My wife and I have total support for each other. I will say that three years ago, I would have had second thoughts, but I don’t anymore. Thank you for sharing who you are and having this network of people and friends.

  3. You’re so right! I’m bi as well, married to a cis male. Been knowingly bi for 2 years now. I haven’t even had an encounter with a woman yet because women do get intimidated when they see a ring. However, more people are scared to date us because we have 5 young kids, and people see that as baggage. Anyone who can’t accept our kids can’t be with us, because we’re not looking for flings. We’re looking for someone to possibly stick around for the long haul and not leave when things get tough. I don’t know when we’ll ever find anyone, but I’m working on someone right now who doesn’t mind the amount of kids we have because she has 9 of her own. I love big families… so I can only hope this relationship develops in time the way I want it to! 🙂

  4. I experience the same thing. I’m married to a man but like women. Unfortunately lesbians don’t want anything to do with me because I am married and the few females I’ve found who appear to have an attraction to me, sort of play games then ignore me after. Not sure why this is but it’s really hard living your truth when you are bisexual

  5. Rings aside, people are still human; they still have needs that a single individual couldn’t hope to care for in one hundred lifetimes. People have a need to feel as if they still have “it,” that marriage hasn’t robbed them of their charm, vitality, sensuality and, sure, despite wearing the ring, some people bridle over having their life put on lock down until death do them part.

    If you wanna debate the morality involved, sure, it’s forbidden; such a thing is considered to be unethical, unfair, and a few other adjectives I can’t think of because I haven’t finished my first cup of coffee. Here’s the thing, though: When you’re bisexual, do the rule – or, really, should the rules – apply? If you’re bisexual and you carry the need to be bisexual with someone else, you’re not gonna be able to do it without, uh, bending the Rules of the Rings to accommodate that need; otherwise, the unfulfilled need eats you alive and that’s not a good thing. So what do you do?

    Maybe Wearers of the Ring flirt, testing the limits of the rules because while their partner may truly love them and they know this, it’s simply not enough and more so since being married is still considered to be a death sentence and, obviously, you’re not really dead. Flirting says, “Hey, look at me; I have this ring on but I’m still alive, I’m still vital, and everyone needs to know that I still exist and that I’ve not fallen into the abyss, fated never to return until I stop wearing the ring. I might not be of a mind to follow through with my flirting – or do anything about being flirted with but, damn, it feels good to know that I’m still alive and that I have some value to someone else…”

    Monogamy has some flaws that many Wearers of the Ring are choosing to expose and exploit in favor of being human. I wear the ring and I flirt and get flirted with because I can; a Wearer of the Ring flirts with me and I’m okay with that because I understand it and, indeed, if they didn’t flirt (and you can usually tell when they want to), I’d think there was something wrong with them… oh, wait, there is something wrong with them!

    They’re married and on lock down right down to what they think, stuck with a single source of human contact until death or divorce. While we know the rules that come with wearing the ring, doesn’t being human trump that at some point and I’ll end this with a question: Since when did being married mean you stopped being human?


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