You Are Not Alone

This a kind of PSA for any/all men and women dealing with bisexuality:  You are not as alone in this as you think and feel.  We are legion; we are in such great numbers that we cannot be counted.  I know what it feels like to have these… dual feelings and how weird but kinda wonderful they feel and you almost can’t help getting the sense that you’re the “only one like this” when, in fact, you aren’t… and you never were.  It’s a self-induced mindfuck, actually, and more so if at any time in your life, you were aware of the fact that men have sex with men and women have sex with women so if you learned this, nope – you were never alone in this.

Upon discovery of these feelings, there’s a crazy thing going on; you wanna tell the whole world about how you feel… and you don’t dare tell a soul about it since there are a lot of people who, bluntly, will think you’re some kind of freak or sex fiend because you’re not straight like they are… or not gay like they are.  And even in this, you’re still not alone because there are a lot of bisexuals who are “in the closet” and feel that they must stay there and, often, at the expense of alienating themselves from friends and family, to stop being as social as they were before they discovered their bisexuality lest someone find out about it and starts reading them the riot act.

And I’m here today to tell you that if you’ve gone into some kind of shell, feel like you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and those you know, and meeting new friends is just too “dangerous,” you’re making a mistake and being your own worst enemy.  Yes, I know what it’s like when you’re bisexual and you want to share this and, ah, biblically so; you want, need, and crave that carnal knowledge but being able to obtain this knowledge isn’t that easy; it’s frustrating, kinda depressing, and can just make you feel some kind of way and I say to you all, don’t let this mess with your head.  Some people can do; some people can’t and it’s a for-real bummer but know that you’re not alone even in this because there are a mind-boggling number of bisexuals who want to gain that carnal knowledge and they can’t… or they haven’t yet.

I know it’s easier said than done but be at peace with yourself about being bisexual.  Understand that being bisexual – and when it comes to being social and even intimate – isn’t any different from being straight or gay and trying to find someone you can be with, whether it’s just friendship, a relationship of some kind and, yeah, just to scratch that itch when it has to be scratched so any sense of frustration and even loneliness you may be feeling isn’t just you – it’s millions of people all over the world.

You were never alone in any of this.  Right this very moment, there are an untold number of men and women who ache for that same-sex touch, to be able to talk to someone who is like themselves and take care of that need to be understood and, yes, to get that confirmation that you’re not alone in any of this.  Bisexuality, and as I’ve said many, many times, isn’t just about doing – it’s about being and that means, by and large, just being yourself, going about your life doing the things you normally do and being aware that there are few places on this planet you can go where there aren’t any bisexuals other than yourself; you’ve probably walked past quite a few every time you’ve left home to do something – you just didn’t know that you did and, even in this, you’re still not as alone as you might feel.  If you’ve always been a outgoing and friendly kind of person, being bisexual should never, ever, stop you from being that kind of person. If, by chance, you’re not the type of person who makes friends easily or otherwise have problems being social, well, maybe it’s time you find a way to change this so that the feelings of loneliness and the emotional pain it causes can get kicked to the curb, huh?

No, it’s not “that simple” but it can be done and many people have found ways to do it because they know that being alone and isolated just ain’t cutting it and that a life lived in fear isn’t worth living.  And, yes, even in this, you were never alone because there are way too many people who feel that just being social is beyond them.  For decades of my life, I have said that the worst thing about being bisexual isn’t discovering that you are or trying to have the sex that’s possible:

It’s not having someone to talk to about it.  And, yes, you’re still not alone because there are untold numbers of bisexual who doesn’t have someone they can talk to about being bisexual and not just talk about it – being understood in this and accepted.  We know that there are people who can’t understand and sure as hell won’t accept this thing about us… but there are many who will – you just have to do something to find them or, if you can and dare to, get the person you’re with to face some facts that, perhaps, they don’t want to face.  Daunting, yes, I know, but I maintain that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Go Google sites for bisexuals and join in the discussions or just sit back in the cut and see what other’s are saying and/or doing.  Write a blog and, you know, if you’re worried about it being discovered, well, WordPress has an excellent password feature that can be employed but if that still makes you paranoid, start a journal and write about being bisexual – whatever’s on your mind about it – and then, at times, go back and re-read what you’ve written to see if you’re feeling better or worse about being bisexual because, um, if you can’t “talk to yourself” about it, who else is gonna listen?

Not alone.  Never alone.  Clearly and obviously not the only bisexual on the planet because there’s another bisexual telling you this.  Duh, huh?  I say to all of you that you shouldn’t despair or otherwise make yourself crazy over this and that, again, you’re not the only one going through this – it just feels that way and this is the part where I’d suggest that you let your intelligence be in charge of things rather than to let any negative emotions you may be feeling drive the bus since, um, eh, those emotions just suck at driving.  Do not be afraid or continue to be afraid to be yourself even if you have reason to keep your bisexuality hidden from those who would look down on you for not being straight because, again, a life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

Yes – it’s easy for me to say but know that I’ve been in that lonely, miserable place, have felt that I was the only one who felt like this, and that others would see me as a freak or a sex fiend – well, okay, I am a sex fiend because sex is so much fun.  But I learned that I was never alone and that being lonely in this is a choice a lot of people make when it comes to this and it doesn’t make sense to do this myself – so I don’t.

You shouldn’t, either.  By reading this, know that there’s at least one person who’s on your side – me – and if there’s one person, there are many more should you seek them out so that you can confirm that you’re not as alone as you think you are and I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if you need to find someone – even just to have someone to talk to – and you’re not doing it, well, that’s your fault, isn’t it?  It’s not your partner’s fault, not your family’s fault, not the fault of anyone you know – it’s 100% on you because you decided to hide yourself away just because you’re bisexual and you probably don’t want anyone else to know that you are.

And, yeah, still not alone, even in this kind of self-destructive kind of thinking.  Maybe you can’t do anything; still not alone in this.  But I say to you all that if you’re feeling alone, the only real reason you are is that you’re doing it to yourself.  Can’t talk to your partner about this?  Okay – it is what it is… doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t find someone you can talk to and if you think that you can’t, well, ya might want to give some thought about that because the last I heard, it’s not illegal or immoral to talk to other people other than your partner.

You’re not alone.  You were never alone.  Whether being bisexual is working well for you or not, you just aren’t alone in this and you really need to take this to heart and be lifted up in spirit knowing that you were never alone in this.

KDaddy 23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

A Message for Bi Women from a Bi Guy

What do men know about bisexual women?  Apparently, not a whole lot other than the few myths and stereotypes a lot of us have heard and, to me, the most annoying one that says some women fake being bisexual in order to get a man.  However, since I grew up being bisexual, I think I have a better picture of those mythical women who likes men and women, those “unicorns” that everyone is sure exists but no one really ever sees.

There’s a general consensus that says a woman who goes both ways is just being a woman – nothing unusual going on, nothing to see; it’s just a thing girls do because they have needs that men are often incapable of dealing with like their need for deep, meaningful emotional connections:  There’s a reason why it’s said that only a woman knows what a woman needs and it was true when I first heard this way back in the late 1960s and it remains true today.  It’s not like there aren’t men who haven’t heard this but there are few men who are of a mind to take this to heart and allow their woman to have the things she needs that his maleness isn’t going to do a damned thing about.

I tell a lot of guys that there is much to learn from bisexual women… if we can pay more attention to how they interact with each other than we do fantasizing about them having sex.  I’ll even tell guys that you haven’t lived until you see two women making love to each other and, yes, it’s exciting as anything I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some stuff) but what you can learn from them is so very valuable that if guys got a chance to see it for real, they should take notes… and lots of notes.

I get it but that’s because I’m bisexual, too.  I know the joys of it as well as all of those pain in the ass things that wants to steal that joy.  One of those PITA things is being mislabeled; with guys, people hear “bisexual” and think “gay” and for women, they hear this word and think not only “lesbian” but “man-hating lesbian” as well… and that’s so far from the truth.  I know a lot of bisexual women wind up with a guy who, at least by his words alone, want to believe that a man is all a woman is ever going to need and those very narrow-minded men makes being bisexual for women such a great burden but, eh, don’t feel bad:  Bi guys run into women who think that (pardon me) pussy is all they should ever want and need and that there’s no good reason for a guy to want another guy.

And it’s this kind of thinking that makes being bisexual difficult for all of us who are bisexual.  Not what we think – what others think… and we know that what they think is wrong, incorrect, and sorely outdated.  These days, I see a lot of stuff written about bisexuality and I wonder where these people are getting their information from; I see other bisexuals writing things that also makes me wonder the source of their information which is sketchy at best but, usually, reflects a very narrow point of view and as expressed by those who write about bisexuality… but have no personal experience or, if they did, they can’t say anything good about it.

It a thing that makes me say, “If you wanna know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!”  The problem we all face is that once someone makes up their mind in a negative way about bisexuality, there’s not much we can do to change their minds, even when we can get them to admit that what they think isn’t what’s really going on.  When it comes to relationships, jeez, men have the same problems that women do; we find ourselves “trapped” with someone who is more of a mind to stick to the rules of monogamy than they are interested in doing whatever has to be done to make us happy and keep us with them.  If a guy is worried about his lady cheating on him, well, it’s for good reason… and it’s not her fault that she’s had to resort to this in order to take care of her needs and, importantly, be very much okay with herself.

To that end, I tell guys that if your woman needs a woman, be a man and let her go get what she needs or suffer some consequences that makes infidelity look tame by comparison:  It is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Now, some women get… offended if their guy say, “Sure, baby, you can do that… as long as I can watch!” and to those ladies, I say to you don’t be offended if he wants to watch or, gasp, join in the fun:  This is like the holy grail of things sexual for a lot of men, something only seen in our dreams and all that horrible girl-on-girl porn but I also say to you that if he wants to watch, you can, if you’re of a mind to, use that against him so that you can have a woman and handle your business with her.

Think about that one for a moment.  Among bisexual men, we often go about the business of being bisexual “by any means necessary” – but we’re like that almost by nature and, indeed, something a lot of women can’t stand about us.  It’s just that I sometimes think Steve Harvey said it right when he suggested that women think like men in these things:  What are you willing to do to be the woman you want and need to be?  Sadly, the thing I see among bisexual women is… not a whole lot and because there’s a lot of fear going on, too much of a chance for loss and other undesirable things that, just like bi guys, will make a woman remain silent about her desire to be with other women like herself.

I mentioned to a female blogger I follow that I am aware of two periods of time where women demanded to be empowered; the first was during the Women’s Liberation movement where a lot of women burned their bras… and the significance of this act was misinterpreted; people thought that women were totally rejecting – and hating – men in favor of being lesbians.  I don’t know why this got all turned around and more so when the movement also included lesbians who were standing up for their right to be women and in all that this meant.  We’re seeing a second “Women’s Liberation” kind of movement where, instead of being granted power to be the woman they want and need to be, um, women are being like men and just taking the power and empowering themselves and if there are men who don’t like it, well, that guy can almost easily be replaced with someone who will like it.

And, yes, some women are using their “pussy power” to pave the way to their notion of being empowered and, at the risk of losing my man card, when women flex their muscles in this way, it makes us very afraid.  The whole point is that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself and the things you need to make you feel whole, no one else is going to do it for you and perhaps you’ve noticed it but it’s something that a lot of men are doing; they are empowering themselves to take care of their need for other guys because the system and its rules do not allow us to do this… but those same rules oddly give women a pass because, again, it’s just a thing that girls do.

I like to say to folks that if you think girls have pajama parties and all they do is talk about boys and gossip, you are sadly mistaken.  My own daughter went to a lot of pajama parties and had sleepovers with her female friends… and I know for a fact that if they were talking, it wasn’t using their voices, if you know what I mean – and I think you do.  Even if you never experienced this and in that experimental way that we – society – frowns on but are aware that happens, well, you’re feeling it now, aren’t you?  And that’s a good thing and you’re not alone because a lot of guys discover bisexuality late in their lives, too… and they have problems dealing with it and usually because they’re trying to deal with such a complex thing all by themselves.

Which is why this site/blog exists so that, for one, you know that you’re not as alone as you think and that there are other women to reach out to so that dealing with your bisexuality won’t be so lonely and daunting.  All that stuff you might hear about bisexuality in women?  Be aware of it… but a lot of it can be ignored because you are the one who determines how you’re going to be bisexual and no one else can define that for you.  I tell guys that before they concern themselves with doing, the first thing they have to do is be okay with themselves in being bisexual and that includes feelings.  By comparison, doing is easy; getting comfortable with this isn’t.  Yes, I know – many of you are looking for a girlfriend and just like I tell the fellas, in order to find someone, you must look for them – your future girlfriend isn’t just going to drop into your lap and out of the blue.  Do you have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality?  Hell, no.  You never should need anyone to validate you and if you can’t validate yourself, yeah, that’s a problem.  You don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself although, um, yeah, sure – that works.

Here’s the thing and something that, again, might get me stripped of my man card:  Most guys don’t care if their woman has female friends and that’s something y’all can take advantage of.  Yeah, sounds shady and all that but I’m the bi guy who’ll tell you that a lot of women have that close friend that they’re really close to… and their man might suspect how close they are… but what you suspect is one thing… and what can be proven is something else.  Sometimes, it’s not really about getting naked and sweaty – it’s all about being close to someone who thinks and feels the same way you do and the intimacy of this.

And I wonder, since I kinda understand this about women, why there are so many women who can’t seem to find that one lady they can be close to like that.  I know y’all are… kinda weird about the sex thing but sex isn’t the only form of intimacy that you need as a woman… and an intimacy that, again, very few men are capable of even being close enough for government work.  How do you find such a woman?  Look for her and, ha, you might already know her but, yeah, some women are funny about sharing things with other women and, I think, forgetting that by unspoken rules, women are allowed to be emotional with each other and men, being the idiots we can be, expect this even if it scares the doo-doo out of us.

I spent a large part of my life with a bisexual woman and between her and the other bi gals I know, I got such an education and one I’m glad I received and I’m talking about being with her for well over 30 years so, yeah, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the things that makes a woman happy in this and what makes her as miserable as a wet hen.  I would even tell her that if she wasn’t going to go get what she wanted – and she had permission to – I couldn’t do it for her although, um, yeah, I introduced her to a few women and now it was on her to make it work.  I saw that she made being bisexual harder than it had to be… and this is the same women who came to me one day and laid an ultimatum on me:  If you don’t give me permission to be with women, I’m gonna do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  So she got permission… and I went to school to better understand her and bisexuality in women.

So, yeah, I do get it and I wanted you all to know that I get it… and I’m not the only man who does.  And if homey doesn’t understand it, make him understand it.  I don’t mean beat him over the head but explain to him how you feel and why and how important this is to you and, yeah, things would be better if he had her back (and like he’s supposed to) than it would be for him to be stubborn, restrictive, and well just acting like an asshole and all because he’s putting his own beliefs ahead of that which would make you a better woman to and for him.  You have the power… and now the question is are you willing to use it?

Do you think it’s impossible?  I’m here to tell you that it isn’t impossible – just difficult but if you do not try, you cannot fail… and if you don’t fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  And since you and I have a lot in common, I’m biased in your favor which is why I’m here to give you all as much support as I can.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

Back Again!

It has, once again, been a very long time between visits here and the only excuse I can offer is that life just gets in the way of things and, admittedly, I get so wrapped up writing my own blog, I keep forgetting my status as a Contributing Author for this site.  So what’s been going on in the world of male bisexuality?

A lot of stuff!  There may not be a lot of men officially coming out as bisexual but there are a lot more men than I can remember who either want to take the plunge or have already dived in to test the waters and even more men who are in relationships with women who are trying to navigate this very precarious position… and quite a few who’ve gotten some buy-in with their lady and enough to have gotten permission to handle their M2M business, and exploring things like swinging, some light D/s play, even cuckolding.

But we’re still a very long way from a more overall acceptance of male bisexuality, even with the angst beginning to lessen somewhat.  I joined a couple of bisexual sites to see what my fellow bisexuals were up to and to lend my experience in this to those who had questions and needed answers and, sure, to make some new friends and I’ve seen that, indeed, the number of men who also like men has been growing but the lingering social problems continue to plague a great many men and to the point where many find themselves sitting on the bench, literally afraid to take the plunge.

Some guys talk about being “bored” with boy/girl sex and they’re looking for something different, something exciting to shake their sex life up… while many more men have given voice to their sadness and disappointment that women – and even women they’re involved with – are not all that willing to have sex as much as they may have once been and while women do seem to strive with in the state of celibacy, men have never done well here and the physical and psychological pressures of our built-in imperative to have sex makes a lot of guys turn to the only other alternative outside of masturbation:

Other guys who like guys.  While this would seem to make sense, what I’ve been seeing – and writing about on my own blog at times – is how something that used to be the hallmark of NSA/casual sex is becoming more heteronormative in nature; guys are turning their backs on casual sex in favor of a more relationship-like setting, like Friends With Benefits and a relationship state that was once all about all of the perks of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities… and that’s changed or, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you can’t have sex with me.”

If you read that last part and it sounds familiar, it should because it’s the same thing women have been telling men for as long as I can remember.  Men are now concerned about the protocols of dating other men, very resistant to sex on the first date, and more unwilling to plunge with each other without some kind of commitment in place and I’ve not been sure if things are heading in a more “normal” direction on their own or it’s just that guys are going about this in the only way they know how and using what it takes to be with a woman as the model and template for bypassing Mr. Right Now in favor of Mr. Right.

In the bisexual forum community, there seems to be a great disparity:  There are more bottoms than tops or, if you’re not familiar with the terms – and I mean no insult or offense – there are more guys who want to be “the girl” in all of this than there are guys who want to stay in the role of being “the guy.”  And to make things even more interesting, guys go about this in a way that makes me say, “If you think women are funny about sex, men are even funnier about it.”  Once upon a time, it was stupidly easy to find a guy to have sex with and all that was needed came in the form of two questions:  Do you wanna do it and what do you wanna do?  Indeed, a lot of guys turned bisexual just because it was easier to get a guy naked and in bed than it was to do the same thing with a woman…

And that’s changed.  It’s just not enough that two guys find that they have this in common and while there are still guys who are of a mind not to engage in anything that even remotely resembles a relationship, they’re becoming a minority and favoring the long-held belief that the only good and meaningful sex is relationship sex.  On top of this, a lot of men complain and bitch about not being able to find a guy to, say, have oral sex with… and I’m finding that what they’re really saying is that they can’t find the “man of their dreams” or cannot make real that perfect and most ideal situation that will allow them to explore their M2M desires; again, casual sex bad, relationship sex good and it stands to reason that there are men out there who either don’t want to be a FWB or, given their current relationship status, can’t engage like that without their female partner getting suspicious and they get outed and there’s goes the relationship with her.

Things are more confused and up in the air than at any other time I can remember and much of it is because there’s comparatively little or no acceptance of male bisexuality and more so for men who are already in a relationship – and a situation that many of the women on this very site understand as well.  It’s frustrating and depressing and you’d think it would as easy as sitting down with your partner and having a very deep and serious conversation about this because, after all, if they really have your back in all things, they should be willing and able to have your back in this… but not only is that not the reality of things, it seems to be even more unrealistic that a bisexual in a relationship can have this conversation with a partner who may or may not be harboring their own bisexual feelings.  So if we can’t talk about it, we’re not going to make a lot of progress toward acceptance of bisexuality as a “norm.”

Nature says it is, society says is should never be – but that doesn’t stop men or women from embracing their bisexuality but, yeah, it sure would be easier on everyone if we could just be bisexual without all the drama… and we’re just not even close to being there yet.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Welcome to LivingBi!

For those of you who may not have heard of me, I’m Rob, better known as KDaddy, (my own blog can be found at http://kdaddy23.wordpress.com) and I’m honored to be able to welcome everyone to the new and improved site that has been rededicated to be a place where all bisexuals, both male and female, who are in a relationship can congregate and, well, be bisexual – but we’re not a dating site; think of us a more of a safe haven, if you will.

When our gracious hostess, Jay Dee, contacted me about the site being more “all inclusive” when it came to bisexuals in a relationship so that the fellas can also participate in our ongoing discussions about bisexuality, I was immediately on board with it.  Like many of you, I know all too well what it’s like to be bisexual and trying to deal with living in monogamous, heterosexual world and with either a straight or bisexual woman by your side as well as just how much doing this can, plainly, mess with your head because, under the current rules of relationships, you’re just not supposed to ever talk about such things – but you can do that here.

My role, other than being one of the Contributing Editors, is to let all the bisexual guys who are in a relationship know that you are, indeed, welcome here and, yes, even if you’re not bisexual but involved with a bisexual woman that you’re trying to understand.  Come join with us; share your stories and your concerns and while we may not have all the answers, know that you are not alone in this – you’ve never been alone – because there are so many of us who are in need of a place we can go to – and without fear of persecution or reprisal – in order to get the answers we may be searching for or just be able to express yourself with your words and without worrying about being judged as being immoral or just outright weird because of your sexuality or the sexuality of the person who holds your heart.

Back when this site was known as “BiWifeLife,” I recall asking Jay Dee if it was okay for me to comment because, um, I’m not a bi wife… but I am bisexual and the husband of a bisexual.  And she did welcome me and because there are, in fact, a lot of men who have something to contribute to the conversation, it just made sense to make them feel welcome, too.

So here’s me welcoming you and it’s my hope that you come and hang out with us because there’s so much we can learn from each other; it’s always been my belief that bisexuality isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be!  I’m excited about this and I can’t wait to make your acquaintance and interact with every one of you!

Bisexually yours,

KDaddy23

Contributing Author