This Is For the Bi Guys…

…who are, like a lot of the women who follow here, are wondering what it’s gonna take to be able to express yourself in this way and more so when, these days, the world is losing their minds over the issue of bisexuality in anyone.  I know what it’s like to have the feelings; I worked my way through the confusion they bring and came to understand that no matter what society has to say about not being all straight all of the time, the responsibility for my happiness in things is mine and mine alone.

I know what it’s like to be with someone who, if they found out that you’re not really all that straight – and even if just in your thoughts – would tar and feather you, label you some kind of pervert and even accusing you of not being happy with them.  I know what it’s like to listen to a woman go on and on about how your feelings are so unfair to her, that you have no reason at all to want anyone other than her and your sure as hell don’t need or have a reason to engage in sexual congress with another man… and even in the odd chance she even deigns to admit that she knows that she’s not really everything you will ever need.  I know what it’s like trying to explain things to her, to get her to see the logic and even common sense involved her and that we are all human and we can have needs that goes against everything we’ve been taught, everything we’re supposed to stick with and without exception… and if by doing so you wind up doing irreparable damage to yourself, well, it sucks to be you.

What is it like to be with another guy like this?  I know what that’s like, too.  I know what the hunger feels like, to feel that inner beast rattling its cage and demanding to be released… and I know what it’s like to force the beast to be quiet so as not to upset someone else’s sensibilities.  I know what it’s like to be told that I can’t really be what I know I need to be; I know the anger.  The frustration.  I know what it’s like to feel so utter contemptuous toward the other person whose beliefs are being forced onto me and beliefs that I have good reason – and even proof – are, at best, incorrect.  Inaccurate.  So badly outdated it’s not even funny.

I know what it feels like to feel that… anger simmering and eating me alive on the inside; I’ve asked, time and time again, what is it about this that they – or anyone else – just can’t understand?  Do they not understand that we need what we need in order to feel whole and complete?  That we have desires, passions, and even needs that must be attended to and if they’re ignored, the only purpose that gets served is the erosion of self; to find yourself less than what you know you can be.  To be held prisoner by rules that shouldn’t exist in the here and now and to feel some kind of way knowing that while you have come to see the truth of things, there are those around you who do not see it, cannot see it, and don’t want to see it.

What we, as bisexual men, come to understand is that bisexual women face the same levels of denial and suppression of self; they’re subject to the same gestalt of prejudice as everyone who isn’t straight has been made to face.  I know what it’s like to sit and think… and stew in a sea of frustration… and see how all of this can be made better if the rules can’t and won’t be thrown out, they can be changed.  Bent.  Even broken.  I know what it’s like to see this and to ask myself, “Yes… but at what cost?” and the answer to that is… complicated.

I know what it’s like to be subjected to the double standard:  It’s okay for women to be this way, not okay for a man to be the same way.  I know what it’s like to see a woman who expects and demands truth and total openness at all times and in all things backpedal when you tell her the truth of yourself, whether it was something that has always been true or it’s a new truth we’ve come to be aware of and see.  I know the incomprehensible confusion and even heartache to learn that the only truth she’s interested in is the one she believes in; your truth, the truth of yourself, means nothing to her.

I know these things and much more.  I even know what it’s like for the woman you love to be going through this same dilemma and that, like you, she’s suffering in this because she believes that there’s nothing that can be done.  I know men and women who are going through this; I know their hopelessness; I know how dejected and rejected they feel; I know their anger at being denied their right to be the person they need to be.  I know the solution just as I know it’s a solution that no one agrees on because the rules must always be obeyed at all times and without question.  I know the lies and flaws of monogamy; I know that it is impossible for one person to be all that you’ll ever need.  I know that people change over time and so does their wants, needs, and desires… and I know their fear of letting these things be known.  I know what it’s like to lose loves and friends because I am what I am; I know the pain of it.  I know the confusion and even the hypocrisy inherent in these things.  I know what it’s like to be angry and to have that anger deepened to know that when you said that you loved me and you would do whatever is humanly possible for me and because you love me, that you lied because there’s something you won’t do for me and even if by doing it, you would be saving my life and my sanity.

And I know that bisexual women feel the exact same way… but what I don’t know is why we, as bisexuals, just do what we need to do even when society is against us doing that.  I know that there are ways around the rules; I know that when it’s done right, everyone benefits from it – and even if the person we’re with isn’t bisexual.  I know that it opens a lot of locked doors, not just the ones related to sex but the ones related to life itself:  It unlocks the door to the truth of what we can be and, really, what we’ve been all along.  I know that what we think and believe where love, sex, and relationships is concerns is… not so much wrong but, again, inaccurate.  It’s not the whole truth of things; it’s not the truth of what we are as a social animal and one that sits high above all others because we can think.  We can create.  We can imagine.  I know that men and women alike?  We are magnificent animals and capable of so much on our own or together if we ever get around to getting our collective heads out of our collective asses and be the way we can be with each other and, yes, unchained and unfettered by the tenets of monogamy; did you know that experts in this agree that we weren’t meant to be monogamous?  That “all of us” being heterosexual is unnatural and most certainly not the way we used to be and before those damned rules got forced onto us?

Maybe knowing that I know isn’t going to help you a whole lot, fellas.  It might not help the untold number of women who are suffering in this and, like us, being made to suppress the truth of ourselves.  I tell you all that I know so that you, if nothing else, know that you’re not as alone in this as you think you are.  I know the joys of it all.  I know the fears, too.  I say to all of you – and not just the men – to, if you can find a way, don’t be afraid.  Do not despair.  Ladies, if you even suspect that your guy is bi, believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s not bi because he doesn’t love you, want you, appreciate you or all those other things that give you nightmares.  He does.  All of those things.  He’s happy with you but I’ll also tell you that if he isn’t, it’s quite possible that, yes – you’re the reason he’s not happy because your beliefs will not allow him to be the man he needs to be.

And guys?  You’re probably doing the same thing to the woman in your life… and you don’t even know it because she’s afraid to tell you.  You’re letting your beliefs, well, fuck up the person you say that you love; you’re causing near-irreparable damage to them and for the men and women both I ask you this:  Are you that damned sure about your beliefs in the way things are supposed to be that you’re willing to put your partner, the person you love, at risk… and all because you refuse to believe that what you believe is… incorrect.  Not the whole truth.  Rules that were invented for a situation that, today, no longer exists and, thus, is no longer relevant.

And I ask you all:  Why would you do this to the person you love?  And wouldn’t it just suck if they were to do it to you?  I know it would; when I tell you that I’ve been there, done that, been around the block so many times I pretty much own it – and that I found a way to get around the rules so I can be who I’m meant to be – I’m not joking.  Not saying it just to be saying it.  If I figured out how to do it so that I can be who I am, why can’t you figure it out?  And if you fear being cheated on or otherwise left behind, well, is it really that difficult to avoid this unwanted calamity?

Guys, I know what it’s like.  I’ll tell you what “real men” do and, yes, “real women, too:”  They let each other know that this is what I am or how I want to be.  They let each other know that what I am – what I want to be – has nothing to do with how I feel about you.  We let them know that we would prefer not to take this journey alone, that it would be much better if the person we love could go along with us.  What’s in it for them?  They get a better person.  A whole person.  A person who has learned to express their feelings.  A person that sees that, together, we can be so much more…

If only you’d allow me to be the person I need to be.  I know what you’re thinking:  You’re thinking that she’s gonna say she has no need to change the way she is, to change what she believes in, that something like this has never – and will not ever – cross her mind or come her way.  That’s she’s gonna tell you that there is nothing for her in this.  I know – I’ve heard it all before and I also happen to know that… they’re wrong; they can’t see the future anymore than anyone else can.  And I also know that if she tells you this, yeah – she could very well be lying her cute ass off and she just might know more about this than she’d led you to believe.

It’s a risk but if you can’t tell her how you feel and what you’re thinking, well, that’s a problem, isn’t it?  And if she refuses to listen, that’s a problem, too.  It never fails to amaze me how we always demand to hear the truth of things… then get all weird when we do hear the truth… and then we don’t want to deal with it, don’t want to address it… and don’t want to do shit about it.  It’s better to let the bisexual in your life suffer just to preserve your sensibilities and sensibilities that were built on lies and misconceptions.

Guys, I’m telling you this (ladies, too) just in case you get to that moment in your life when you’re just gonna have to say something about it and for no other reason than it being an act of self-preservation because not being able to express yourself is eating you alive on the inside and affecting your life – and your life with her – in very detrimental ways… and she probably sees the effects, too.  Ladies?  Do you think we don’t look at you and see you feeling some kind of way and not ask ourselves, if not you directly, “What’s wrong with her?”  Guys and gals… do we not hear this question and say, “Nothing…” and we know we’re lying to the one person that we shouldn’t be lying to?

What’s it worth to you? Only you can decide that.  What do you stand to lose?  Maybe everything and I know this is very scary.  What’s worse?  Losing yourself.  Not being who you need to be.  Standing on the edge of destroying a relationship that doesn’t have to be destroyed; ready to throw away everything the two of you have built together because you think it’s the only way.  Fearing having her go off on you and making things all about her.  The despair.  Feeling trapped.  It’s not worth it and it’s better… for her for you to just give up who you are and who you want to be.

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about because you feel the same things in the same way and for the same reasons.  I’m just the bi guy who has the nerve to tell you all that it doesn’t have to be this way.  We’re better than this and I know that, too.

KDaddy23, Contribution Author and Fellow Bisexual Who Knows Some Stuff

How Are You Holding Up?

This pandemic has been a royal bitch and that’s putting it mildly.  On my own blog – and back when sheltering in place was being put into play, I was wondering how this would affect sexuality; one of the things I’ve been seeing is a great increase of the number of people looking for sex and along the sexuality spectrum.  I had wondered if this imposed isolation would get some folks reconsidering whether just being straight or gay wasn’t all that viable an option and more so for all those folks who are sharing a home with a MOTSS – member of the same sex – and because it’s not advisable to go out to get your usual sexual fix, how many people are thinking “any port in a storm?”

I learned a long time ago that when people get stressed and isolated, there’s an incredible urge to have sex and, as I saw on Facebook and Twitter, hmm, come December 2020, there’s going to be a lot of babies being born.  I looked at my own experiences and the times when myself and my peers were bored silly and isolated to the block we lived on and we’d done all we could do within that confinement… but we could sneak off and go have sex because we literally didn’t have anything else or better to do.  The adult version isn’t all that different although there’s always things one can do around the house but being confined like this brings a lot of additional stress like not being able to work, getting laid off and, oh, yeah, those bills aren’t going to just go away, are they?

The isolation also makes for a good condition for conversations to take place if one is of a mind to have them and because there’s only so much you can do without having to leave home to do it.  I suspect that any active bisexuals are losing their minds being grounded and I also suspect that there are, again, a lot of bisexual newbies who are in a situation to, um, not be a newbie any longer and many more who have determined that, you know, this is really a good time to be let off their leash and given how lethal this damned virus is proving to be.  Now, that doesn’t mean that one is going to think, “I’m not gonna get sick!” but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are of a mind that as long as they minimize human contact with a whole lot of people, they’ll be okay because the need for sex, again, becomes quite powerful in situations like this.

I wondered if all the people who are in sexless relationships are rethinking their decision to impose celibacy; I can’t think of a more irritating situation than to be confined with someone who is feeling a greater need to have sex… and you’re not of a mind to accommodate them.  Are such folks changing their mind about that… or is it possible that they could consider allowing that sex-crazed animal they’re stuck with to find their own solutions so that they, themselves, can remain celibate – and for whatever reason they’ve decided to be celibate?

Yep – I’m the guy who’d think about this stuff… because it’s some real-deal stuff.  I don’t profess to know a whole lot about women… but I know guys and I know what can happen when a guy needing sex and he’s at his wit’s end and without their usual outlet for sex being available… and spanking the monkey ain’t having the desired effect.  And even in this, I’ve wondered how people are, um, doing themselves since the privacy that’s usually needed for this has gone out the window and more so for all those folks who are sheltering in place with their children… and those of us who have children damn well know that they are pretty much the perfect birth control method since we’d prefer they not be prematurely exposed to the sex thing… and it’s pretty embarrassing to have them busting in on you while you’re trying to sneak some sexual relief in.

Is this imposed isolation making bisexuals have second thoughts about being bisexual?  Increasing a need to be, ah, more bisexual?  Less?  I found that when one faces a life-threatening situation, yeah, that’ll get you thinking about some stuff.  Quite a few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with unimaginable pain in my chest and after waking my wife up, found myself in the ER, taking doses of nitroglycerin and hooked up to more machines I didn’t think was possible to be connected to.  And, yes – I thought I was having a heart attack that was gonna take me out any moment now and it got me thinking about all of the things I hadn’t done… and, once it became clear that I wasn’t dying, a commitment to get them done.

Years later, when I had my stroke, the same thing flashed through my mind although, admittedly, that list of things I hadn’t gotten around to was way shorter than the original list and, yep – one of the things on the original list was to stop putting limits on my bisexuality so on the new list, it was about not taking my foot off the gas because it’s true that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.  So, sure – I’ve been wondering if there are bisexuals – and bisexuals-in-waiting – who are thinking along these lines and, sure, I’m gonna ask.

Because someone should ask.  So how is everyone holding up in this crisis?

“I’m Lookin’ For a Love”

This is actually the title of a song I heard a long time ago by a group called The Persuasions and it came to mind because bisexuals – both male and female – have a common problem:  Finding a lover.  I’m a member of a forum site for bisexuals and while there are women on this site, eh, we don’t hear much from them but the guys are almost always asking about how they can find a lover and, preferably, a Friend With Benefits rather than the now and much-dreaded casual hookup.  It doesn’t matter whether the guy in question is single, married or otherwise hooked up although, as you all know, the last two things bring their own problems to this party.

A lot of guys will state their preferred or ideal lover and, at least to me, quantum physics is less complicated.  While it’s almost instinctual to ask yourself what kind of person would you want as a lover and then create a long list of rather exact criteria that a potential lover has to meet and most of it is non-negotiable, what usually happens is a guy finds that he’s set the bar way too high and has made it damned near impossible for anyone to meet the required criteria.  Among bi guys, there is a resistance or outright rejection of casual sex that’s taking center stage these days because, for one, a lot of guys are of a mind that if they have an NSA encounter, they’re gonna most definitely get infected with something and, for the other, a lot of bi guys are more relationship-minded than at any other time I can remember so if their dream guy isn’t of a mind to be their FWB, it’s an instant deal breaker.

Then there are the guys who desperately want a male lover… and they’re doing nothing except maybe trolling the apps but, by and large, just sitting on their ass and waiting for a Mr. Right to drop out of the sky and into their lives.  Even if they use one of many apps out there for this, they won’t engage someone who might be checking them out and won’t even agree to meet someone even if it’s just to lay eyes on each other.  Guys are losing their minds about dating other men and asking why it’s so hard to do, why a lot of guys ain’t interested in dating, stuff like that and instead of keeping at it, they throw their hands in the air and just whine and complain about there not being any men they can get with when, usually, what they really mean is that they can’t find a guy who can meet their very exacting requirements and expectations.

I know quite a few bi gals who are like this as well but, being honest, you almost expect women to be highly picky about who gets to get in their panties and while I’ve not seen women looking for women to be… overly detailed about the kind of woman they want to be with, those I know are sitting around wondering why they can’t find their Ms. Right and, sometimes, can’t even find a Ms. Right Now.

And to those men and women I say that if you’re not willing to put in any of the work that’s required to find a lover, you’re not gonna find one.  Yeah, married folks have a different kind of problem with this but the basic premise is still the same whether you have permission or you’ve decided to take matters into your own hand:  You want a lover?  Get to looking for one and the search begins with taking a very close look at where you’ve set the bar and if you’ve actually set the bar too high for anyone to reach.  Yeah, yeah, I know – you want what you want and the way you want it but for those of you looking for a lover, ah, how’s that been working for you?

If I’ve learned nothing about being bisexual, I’ve learned that if you want to have the sex, it’s better that you make it easier to have it rather than to make it damned near impossible for someone to get you into bed.  Yeah, yeah, I know – ain’t too many women fond of being tagged as being easy but when I say make it easier, I mean that the thing anyone should do is have a set of minimum requirements rather than creating that laundry list of requirements that will pretty much guarantee that you’re not gonna find a lover.  Making it easier doesn’t mean being reckless, careless, or anything like that because you still have to be discriminating so that you can protect yourself at all time and if you’re, um, out on the side looking for a lover, making sure your ass is covered and all that.

So if you have a list of requirements, take a very close look at them… then get yourself “out there” so you can look for someone and someone can find you.  Of course, the thing that drives many bisexuals crazy is the fact that you can’t look at someone and tell that they might be bi; hell, you can talk to some people and not get a clue that they’re bi.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t “hang out” in places where people tend to gather and that can be pretty much anywhere and not necessarily the local bar or club.  The biggest and most real problem, of course, is how to strike up a conversation with someone just to find out if they may be bisexual and, yeah, it really does suck to find out that, oops, they aren’t.  I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I know that guys have fits trying to steer conversations in this direction… but many do find a way to squeeze it in since guys, um, well, we like to talk about sex and since we know this, now it’s a matter of “sneaking in” the topic if possible and then gauging their responses… but with the understanding that chances are good that if the other guy is, in fact, bisexual, he might not want to talk about it because bi guy fear being outed more than they fear anything else about this.

A lot of bisexuals can’t find a lover because they keep getting rejected… by people who have set the bar really high.  In this, that’s not any different from “normal” dating and trying to get laid; you might very well make it easy for someone to take you to bed but you can almost bet that other people are making it hard for you and themselves so to that end, the way to go is to not get frustrated over being rejected and you just don’t give up, not if this is something you really want and need.  Again, I don’t know about women in this but I do know that a lot of guys tend to be… pushy and aggressive and that’s a real deal-breaker so it pays to not be pushy and aggressive while not appearing to be needy which, honestly, that’s kinda the truth, ain’t it?  You need a lover so you can have the sex and other intimacies you need?

You’d probably be surprised by the things guys reject other guys for; again, it’s well-known that women can be really funny about who can get naked with them but I’m here to tell you that there are guys that make most women look very easy when it comes to this.  Rejection is just an occupational hazard in any of this but, again, just because you get rejected or you reject someone doesn’t mean that you should stop looking and trying.  You should, in my opinion, ask yourself what is the minimum thing you’re willing to do to get what you want; what are the minimum qualities the other person has to have?  Are stunning looks really a hard-set requirement and are their things in your mind that cannot be negotiated?  Sure… ya might not want to sleep with “just anyone” but it’s still a matter of what, if anything, you’re willing to do to find a lover and whether it’s just for “one night” or something a bit more lasting.

And if you’re sitting around waiting for someone to stumble onto you, well, that ain’t gonna cut it.  Sure, you could get lucky like that but I keep stressing that if you want and need a lover, you gotta do the work it takes to find and get one.  Got a problem with Mr. or Ms. Right Now?  Hmm, maybe rethinking your position on NSA stuff might be in order.  A Mr. or Ms. Right a must for you?  Okay… what’s the least thing they gotta have going for them so that you can consider them?  And might I point out that if you’re looking for instant chemistry, you’re going about this the wrong way because any kind of relationship has to be cultivated – ya gotta look for all of the things you may have in common instead of relying solely on chemistry instantly hitting you like a bolt of lightning and, indeed, a lot of bisexual make themselves sit on the bench because they don’t want to be bothered with creating their own chemistry with someone.

Are you looking for a love or, really, a lover?  What are you doing toward that worthy goal?  What aren’t you doing?  Yeah… married people.  Absolutely the worst situation a bisexual can be in, right?  Got a husband or wife who ain’t feeling you having a lover other than them?  Kinda okay with you having a lover… as long as they can get involved and, yeah, wants to be in charge of whatever you want to do and screen those you wanna do something with?  Yep – this situation puts a very major crimp in your quest to find a lover and the bad part is getting uncrimped is up to you to figure out if you can.  I don’t recommend it but I will say, for the record, that many bisexuals take this matter into their own hands and accept the consequences of their actions – and I’ll leave it at that.

You’re not gonna find a lover if you don’t look for one; a potential lover isn’t going to find you if you’re not “out there” to be found.  If you set the bar too high, chances are very good that the only person who can reach that far only exists inside your head.  If you don’t make this easy on yourself, well, good luck with that.  Don’t get discouraged when you get rejected if you can manage it – it’s a normal part of trying to find a lover and regardless to one’s sexual orientation, right?  And look everywhere and be seen everywhere… because you never know when you just might meet the lover you need and if it happens to be Mr. or Ms. Right Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing because, as I told a guy who was looking for his Mr. Right, if you’re not willing to “interview” people for the position (and that includes sleeping with them if you’re actually feeling them like that), how are you gonna find Mr. Right?  I told him that he didn’t have to be stupid about it but checking out Mr. Right Now will accomplish one important thing:  He was gonna get laid.  So if you’re looking for a lover, eh, you might consider this take on things.

There’s no cut and dried way to go about doing this – your results are definitely gonna vary.  I just happen to know what people do make it harder for them to find a lover or for a potential lover to find them and take them to bed.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

You Are Not Alone

This a kind of PSA for any/all men and women dealing with bisexuality:  You are not as alone in this as you think and feel.  We are legion; we are in such great numbers that we cannot be counted.  I know what it feels like to have these… dual feelings and how weird but kinda wonderful they feel and you almost can’t help getting the sense that you’re the “only one like this” when, in fact, you aren’t… and you never were.  It’s a self-induced mindfuck, actually, and more so if at any time in your life, you were aware of the fact that men have sex with men and women have sex with women so if you learned this, nope – you were never alone in this.

Upon discovery of these feelings, there’s a crazy thing going on; you wanna tell the whole world about how you feel… and you don’t dare tell a soul about it since there are a lot of people who, bluntly, will think you’re some kind of freak or sex fiend because you’re not straight like they are… or not gay like they are.  And even in this, you’re still not alone because there are a lot of bisexuals who are “in the closet” and feel that they must stay there and, often, at the expense of alienating themselves from friends and family, to stop being as social as they were before they discovered their bisexuality lest someone find out about it and starts reading them the riot act.

And I’m here today to tell you that if you’ve gone into some kind of shell, feel like you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and those you know, and meeting new friends is just too “dangerous,” you’re making a mistake and being your own worst enemy.  Yes, I know what it’s like when you’re bisexual and you want to share this and, ah, biblically so; you want, need, and crave that carnal knowledge but being able to obtain this knowledge isn’t that easy; it’s frustrating, kinda depressing, and can just make you feel some kind of way and I say to you all, don’t let this mess with your head.  Some people can do; some people can’t and it’s a for-real bummer but know that you’re not alone even in this because there are a mind-boggling number of bisexuals who want to gain that carnal knowledge and they can’t… or they haven’t yet.

I know it’s easier said than done but be at peace with yourself about being bisexual.  Understand that being bisexual – and when it comes to being social and even intimate – isn’t any different from being straight or gay and trying to find someone you can be with, whether it’s just friendship, a relationship of some kind and, yeah, just to scratch that itch when it has to be scratched so any sense of frustration and even loneliness you may be feeling isn’t just you – it’s millions of people all over the world.

You were never alone in any of this.  Right this very moment, there are an untold number of men and women who ache for that same-sex touch, to be able to talk to someone who is like themselves and take care of that need to be understood and, yes, to get that confirmation that you’re not alone in any of this.  Bisexuality, and as I’ve said many, many times, isn’t just about doing – it’s about being and that means, by and large, just being yourself, going about your life doing the things you normally do and being aware that there are few places on this planet you can go where there aren’t any bisexuals other than yourself; you’ve probably walked past quite a few every time you’ve left home to do something – you just didn’t know that you did and, even in this, you’re still not as alone as you might feel.  If you’ve always been a outgoing and friendly kind of person, being bisexual should never, ever, stop you from being that kind of person. If, by chance, you’re not the type of person who makes friends easily or otherwise have problems being social, well, maybe it’s time you find a way to change this so that the feelings of loneliness and the emotional pain it causes can get kicked to the curb, huh?

No, it’s not “that simple” but it can be done and many people have found ways to do it because they know that being alone and isolated just ain’t cutting it and that a life lived in fear isn’t worth living.  And, yes, even in this, you were never alone because there are way too many people who feel that just being social is beyond them.  For decades of my life, I have said that the worst thing about being bisexual isn’t discovering that you are or trying to have the sex that’s possible:

It’s not having someone to talk to about it.  And, yes, you’re still not alone because there are untold numbers of bisexual who doesn’t have someone they can talk to about being bisexual and not just talk about it – being understood in this and accepted.  We know that there are people who can’t understand and sure as hell won’t accept this thing about us… but there are many who will – you just have to do something to find them or, if you can and dare to, get the person you’re with to face some facts that, perhaps, they don’t want to face.  Daunting, yes, I know, but I maintain that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Go Google sites for bisexuals and join in the discussions or just sit back in the cut and see what other’s are saying and/or doing.  Write a blog and, you know, if you’re worried about it being discovered, well, WordPress has an excellent password feature that can be employed but if that still makes you paranoid, start a journal and write about being bisexual – whatever’s on your mind about it – and then, at times, go back and re-read what you’ve written to see if you’re feeling better or worse about being bisexual because, um, if you can’t “talk to yourself” about it, who else is gonna listen?

Not alone.  Never alone.  Clearly and obviously not the only bisexual on the planet because there’s another bisexual telling you this.  Duh, huh?  I say to all of you that you shouldn’t despair or otherwise make yourself crazy over this and that, again, you’re not the only one going through this – it just feels that way and this is the part where I’d suggest that you let your intelligence be in charge of things rather than to let any negative emotions you may be feeling drive the bus since, um, eh, those emotions just suck at driving.  Do not be afraid or continue to be afraid to be yourself even if you have reason to keep your bisexuality hidden from those who would look down on you for not being straight because, again, a life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

Yes – it’s easy for me to say but know that I’ve been in that lonely, miserable place, have felt that I was the only one who felt like this, and that others would see me as a freak or a sex fiend – well, okay, I am a sex fiend because sex is so much fun.  But I learned that I was never alone and that being lonely in this is a choice a lot of people make when it comes to this and it doesn’t make sense to do this myself – so I don’t.

You shouldn’t, either.  By reading this, know that there’s at least one person who’s on your side – me – and if there’s one person, there are many more should you seek them out so that you can confirm that you’re not as alone as you think you are and I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if you need to find someone – even just to have someone to talk to – and you’re not doing it, well, that’s your fault, isn’t it?  It’s not your partner’s fault, not your family’s fault, not the fault of anyone you know – it’s 100% on you because you decided to hide yourself away just because you’re bisexual and you probably don’t want anyone else to know that you are.

And, yeah, still not alone, even in this kind of self-destructive kind of thinking.  Maybe you can’t do anything; still not alone in this.  But I say to you all that if you’re feeling alone, the only real reason you are is that you’re doing it to yourself.  Can’t talk to your partner about this?  Okay – it is what it is… doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t find someone you can talk to and if you think that you can’t, well, ya might want to give some thought about that because the last I heard, it’s not illegal or immoral to talk to other people other than your partner.

You’re not alone.  You were never alone.  Whether being bisexual is working well for you or not, you just aren’t alone in this and you really need to take this to heart and be lifted up in spirit knowing that you were never alone in this.

KDaddy 23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

A Message for Bi Women from a Bi Guy

What do men know about bisexual women?  Apparently, not a whole lot other than the few myths and stereotypes a lot of us have heard and, to me, the most annoying one that says some women fake being bisexual in order to get a man.  However, since I grew up being bisexual, I think I have a better picture of those mythical women who likes men and women, those “unicorns” that everyone is sure exists but no one really ever sees.

There’s a general consensus that says a woman who goes both ways is just being a woman – nothing unusual going on, nothing to see; it’s just a thing girls do because they have needs that men are often incapable of dealing with like their need for deep, meaningful emotional connections:  There’s a reason why it’s said that only a woman knows what a woman needs and it was true when I first heard this way back in the late 1960s and it remains true today.  It’s not like there aren’t men who haven’t heard this but there are few men who are of a mind to take this to heart and allow their woman to have the things she needs that his maleness isn’t going to do a damned thing about.

I tell a lot of guys that there is much to learn from bisexual women… if we can pay more attention to how they interact with each other than we do fantasizing about them having sex.  I’ll even tell guys that you haven’t lived until you see two women making love to each other and, yes, it’s exciting as anything I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some stuff) but what you can learn from them is so very valuable that if guys got a chance to see it for real, they should take notes… and lots of notes.

I get it but that’s because I’m bisexual, too.  I know the joys of it as well as all of those pain in the ass things that wants to steal that joy.  One of those PITA things is being mislabeled; with guys, people hear “bisexual” and think “gay” and for women, they hear this word and think not only “lesbian” but “man-hating lesbian” as well… and that’s so far from the truth.  I know a lot of bisexual women wind up with a guy who, at least by his words alone, want to believe that a man is all a woman is ever going to need and those very narrow-minded men makes being bisexual for women such a great burden but, eh, don’t feel bad:  Bi guys run into women who think that (pardon me) pussy is all they should ever want and need and that there’s no good reason for a guy to want another guy.

And it’s this kind of thinking that makes being bisexual difficult for all of us who are bisexual.  Not what we think – what others think… and we know that what they think is wrong, incorrect, and sorely outdated.  These days, I see a lot of stuff written about bisexuality and I wonder where these people are getting their information from; I see other bisexuals writing things that also makes me wonder the source of their information which is sketchy at best but, usually, reflects a very narrow point of view and as expressed by those who write about bisexuality… but have no personal experience or, if they did, they can’t say anything good about it.

It a thing that makes me say, “If you wanna know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!”  The problem we all face is that once someone makes up their mind in a negative way about bisexuality, there’s not much we can do to change their minds, even when we can get them to admit that what they think isn’t what’s really going on.  When it comes to relationships, jeez, men have the same problems that women do; we find ourselves “trapped” with someone who is more of a mind to stick to the rules of monogamy than they are interested in doing whatever has to be done to make us happy and keep us with them.  If a guy is worried about his lady cheating on him, well, it’s for good reason… and it’s not her fault that she’s had to resort to this in order to take care of her needs and, importantly, be very much okay with herself.

To that end, I tell guys that if your woman needs a woman, be a man and let her go get what she needs or suffer some consequences that makes infidelity look tame by comparison:  It is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Now, some women get… offended if their guy say, “Sure, baby, you can do that… as long as I can watch!” and to those ladies, I say to you don’t be offended if he wants to watch or, gasp, join in the fun:  This is like the holy grail of things sexual for a lot of men, something only seen in our dreams and all that horrible girl-on-girl porn but I also say to you that if he wants to watch, you can, if you’re of a mind to, use that against him so that you can have a woman and handle your business with her.

Think about that one for a moment.  Among bisexual men, we often go about the business of being bisexual “by any means necessary” – but we’re like that almost by nature and, indeed, something a lot of women can’t stand about us.  It’s just that I sometimes think Steve Harvey said it right when he suggested that women think like men in these things:  What are you willing to do to be the woman you want and need to be?  Sadly, the thing I see among bisexual women is… not a whole lot and because there’s a lot of fear going on, too much of a chance for loss and other undesirable things that, just like bi guys, will make a woman remain silent about her desire to be with other women like herself.

I mentioned to a female blogger I follow that I am aware of two periods of time where women demanded to be empowered; the first was during the Women’s Liberation movement where a lot of women burned their bras… and the significance of this act was misinterpreted; people thought that women were totally rejecting – and hating – men in favor of being lesbians.  I don’t know why this got all turned around and more so when the movement also included lesbians who were standing up for their right to be women and in all that this meant.  We’re seeing a second “Women’s Liberation” kind of movement where, instead of being granted power to be the woman they want and need to be, um, women are being like men and just taking the power and empowering themselves and if there are men who don’t like it, well, that guy can almost easily be replaced with someone who will like it.

And, yes, some women are using their “pussy power” to pave the way to their notion of being empowered and, at the risk of losing my man card, when women flex their muscles in this way, it makes us very afraid.  The whole point is that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself and the things you need to make you feel whole, no one else is going to do it for you and perhaps you’ve noticed it but it’s something that a lot of men are doing; they are empowering themselves to take care of their need for other guys because the system and its rules do not allow us to do this… but those same rules oddly give women a pass because, again, it’s just a thing that girls do.

I like to say to folks that if you think girls have pajama parties and all they do is talk about boys and gossip, you are sadly mistaken.  My own daughter went to a lot of pajama parties and had sleepovers with her female friends… and I know for a fact that if they were talking, it wasn’t using their voices, if you know what I mean – and I think you do.  Even if you never experienced this and in that experimental way that we – society – frowns on but are aware that happens, well, you’re feeling it now, aren’t you?  And that’s a good thing and you’re not alone because a lot of guys discover bisexuality late in their lives, too… and they have problems dealing with it and usually because they’re trying to deal with such a complex thing all by themselves.

Which is why this site/blog exists so that, for one, you know that you’re not as alone as you think and that there are other women to reach out to so that dealing with your bisexuality won’t be so lonely and daunting.  All that stuff you might hear about bisexuality in women?  Be aware of it… but a lot of it can be ignored because you are the one who determines how you’re going to be bisexual and no one else can define that for you.  I tell guys that before they concern themselves with doing, the first thing they have to do is be okay with themselves in being bisexual and that includes feelings.  By comparison, doing is easy; getting comfortable with this isn’t.  Yes, I know – many of you are looking for a girlfriend and just like I tell the fellas, in order to find someone, you must look for them – your future girlfriend isn’t just going to drop into your lap and out of the blue.  Do you have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality?  Hell, no.  You never should need anyone to validate you and if you can’t validate yourself, yeah, that’s a problem.  You don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself although, um, yeah, sure – that works.

Here’s the thing and something that, again, might get me stripped of my man card:  Most guys don’t care if their woman has female friends and that’s something y’all can take advantage of.  Yeah, sounds shady and all that but I’m the bi guy who’ll tell you that a lot of women have that close friend that they’re really close to… and their man might suspect how close they are… but what you suspect is one thing… and what can be proven is something else.  Sometimes, it’s not really about getting naked and sweaty – it’s all about being close to someone who thinks and feels the same way you do and the intimacy of this.

And I wonder, since I kinda understand this about women, why there are so many women who can’t seem to find that one lady they can be close to like that.  I know y’all are… kinda weird about the sex thing but sex isn’t the only form of intimacy that you need as a woman… and an intimacy that, again, very few men are capable of even being close enough for government work.  How do you find such a woman?  Look for her and, ha, you might already know her but, yeah, some women are funny about sharing things with other women and, I think, forgetting that by unspoken rules, women are allowed to be emotional with each other and men, being the idiots we can be, expect this even if it scares the doo-doo out of us.

I spent a large part of my life with a bisexual woman and between her and the other bi gals I know, I got such an education and one I’m glad I received and I’m talking about being with her for well over 30 years so, yeah, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the things that makes a woman happy in this and what makes her as miserable as a wet hen.  I would even tell her that if she wasn’t going to go get what she wanted – and she had permission to – I couldn’t do it for her although, um, yeah, I introduced her to a few women and now it was on her to make it work.  I saw that she made being bisexual harder than it had to be… and this is the same women who came to me one day and laid an ultimatum on me:  If you don’t give me permission to be with women, I’m gonna do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  So she got permission… and I went to school to better understand her and bisexuality in women.

So, yeah, I do get it and I wanted you all to know that I get it… and I’m not the only man who does.  And if homey doesn’t understand it, make him understand it.  I don’t mean beat him over the head but explain to him how you feel and why and how important this is to you and, yeah, things would be better if he had her back (and like he’s supposed to) than it would be for him to be stubborn, restrictive, and well just acting like an asshole and all because he’s putting his own beliefs ahead of that which would make you a better woman to and for him.  You have the power… and now the question is are you willing to use it?

Do you think it’s impossible?  I’m here to tell you that it isn’t impossible – just difficult but if you do not try, you cannot fail… and if you don’t fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  And since you and I have a lot in common, I’m biased in your favor which is why I’m here to give you all as much support as I can.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

Back Again!

It has, once again, been a very long time between visits here and the only excuse I can offer is that life just gets in the way of things and, admittedly, I get so wrapped up writing my own blog, I keep forgetting my status as a Contributing Author for this site.  So what’s been going on in the world of male bisexuality?

A lot of stuff!  There may not be a lot of men officially coming out as bisexual but there are a lot more men than I can remember who either want to take the plunge or have already dived in to test the waters and even more men who are in relationships with women who are trying to navigate this very precarious position… and quite a few who’ve gotten some buy-in with their lady and enough to have gotten permission to handle their M2M business, and exploring things like swinging, some light D/s play, even cuckolding.

But we’re still a very long way from a more overall acceptance of male bisexuality, even with the angst beginning to lessen somewhat.  I joined a couple of bisexual sites to see what my fellow bisexuals were up to and to lend my experience in this to those who had questions and needed answers and, sure, to make some new friends and I’ve seen that, indeed, the number of men who also like men has been growing but the lingering social problems continue to plague a great many men and to the point where many find themselves sitting on the bench, literally afraid to take the plunge.

Some guys talk about being “bored” with boy/girl sex and they’re looking for something different, something exciting to shake their sex life up… while many more men have given voice to their sadness and disappointment that women – and even women they’re involved with – are not all that willing to have sex as much as they may have once been and while women do seem to strive with in the state of celibacy, men have never done well here and the physical and psychological pressures of our built-in imperative to have sex makes a lot of guys turn to the only other alternative outside of masturbation:

Other guys who like guys.  While this would seem to make sense, what I’ve been seeing – and writing about on my own blog at times – is how something that used to be the hallmark of NSA/casual sex is becoming more heteronormative in nature; guys are turning their backs on casual sex in favor of a more relationship-like setting, like Friends With Benefits and a relationship state that was once all about all of the perks of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities… and that’s changed or, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you can’t have sex with me.”

If you read that last part and it sounds familiar, it should because it’s the same thing women have been telling men for as long as I can remember.  Men are now concerned about the protocols of dating other men, very resistant to sex on the first date, and more unwilling to plunge with each other without some kind of commitment in place and I’ve not been sure if things are heading in a more “normal” direction on their own or it’s just that guys are going about this in the only way they know how and using what it takes to be with a woman as the model and template for bypassing Mr. Right Now in favor of Mr. Right.

In the bisexual forum community, there seems to be a great disparity:  There are more bottoms than tops or, if you’re not familiar with the terms – and I mean no insult or offense – there are more guys who want to be “the girl” in all of this than there are guys who want to stay in the role of being “the guy.”  And to make things even more interesting, guys go about this in a way that makes me say, “If you think women are funny about sex, men are even funnier about it.”  Once upon a time, it was stupidly easy to find a guy to have sex with and all that was needed came in the form of two questions:  Do you wanna do it and what do you wanna do?  Indeed, a lot of guys turned bisexual just because it was easier to get a guy naked and in bed than it was to do the same thing with a woman…

And that’s changed.  It’s just not enough that two guys find that they have this in common and while there are still guys who are of a mind not to engage in anything that even remotely resembles a relationship, they’re becoming a minority and favoring the long-held belief that the only good and meaningful sex is relationship sex.  On top of this, a lot of men complain and bitch about not being able to find a guy to, say, have oral sex with… and I’m finding that what they’re really saying is that they can’t find the “man of their dreams” or cannot make real that perfect and most ideal situation that will allow them to explore their M2M desires; again, casual sex bad, relationship sex good and it stands to reason that there are men out there who either don’t want to be a FWB or, given their current relationship status, can’t engage like that without their female partner getting suspicious and they get outed and there’s goes the relationship with her.

Things are more confused and up in the air than at any other time I can remember and much of it is because there’s comparatively little or no acceptance of male bisexuality and more so for men who are already in a relationship – and a situation that many of the women on this very site understand as well.  It’s frustrating and depressing and you’d think it would as easy as sitting down with your partner and having a very deep and serious conversation about this because, after all, if they really have your back in all things, they should be willing and able to have your back in this… but not only is that not the reality of things, it seems to be even more unrealistic that a bisexual in a relationship can have this conversation with a partner who may or may not be harboring their own bisexual feelings.  So if we can’t talk about it, we’re not going to make a lot of progress toward acceptance of bisexuality as a “norm.”

Nature says it is, society says is should never be – but that doesn’t stop men or women from embracing their bisexuality but, yeah, it sure would be easier on everyone if we could just be bisexual without all the drama… and we’re just not even close to being there yet.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Welcome to LivingBi!

For those of you who may not have heard of me, I’m Rob, better known as KDaddy, (my own blog can be found at http://kdaddy23.wordpress.com) and I’m honored to be able to welcome everyone to the new and improved site that has been rededicated to be a place where all bisexuals, both male and female, who are in a relationship can congregate and, well, be bisexual – but we’re not a dating site; think of us a more of a safe haven, if you will.

When our gracious hostess, Jay Dee, contacted me about the site being more “all inclusive” when it came to bisexuals in a relationship so that the fellas can also participate in our ongoing discussions about bisexuality, I was immediately on board with it.  Like many of you, I know all too well what it’s like to be bisexual and trying to deal with living in monogamous, heterosexual world and with either a straight or bisexual woman by your side as well as just how much doing this can, plainly, mess with your head because, under the current rules of relationships, you’re just not supposed to ever talk about such things – but you can do that here.

My role, other than being one of the Contributing Editors, is to let all the bisexual guys who are in a relationship know that you are, indeed, welcome here and, yes, even if you’re not bisexual but involved with a bisexual woman that you’re trying to understand.  Come join with us; share your stories and your concerns and while we may not have all the answers, know that you are not alone in this – you’ve never been alone – because there are so many of us who are in need of a place we can go to – and without fear of persecution or reprisal – in order to get the answers we may be searching for or just be able to express yourself with your words and without worrying about being judged as being immoral or just outright weird because of your sexuality or the sexuality of the person who holds your heart.

Back when this site was known as “BiWifeLife,” I recall asking Jay Dee if it was okay for me to comment because, um, I’m not a bi wife… but I am bisexual and the husband of a bisexual.  And she did welcome me and because there are, in fact, a lot of men who have something to contribute to the conversation, it just made sense to make them feel welcome, too.

So here’s me welcoming you and it’s my hope that you come and hang out with us because there’s so much we can learn from each other; it’s always been my belief that bisexuality isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be!  I’m excited about this and I can’t wait to make your acquaintance and interact with every one of you!

Bisexually yours,

KDaddy23

Contributing Author