My Brother’s A Keeper – NYC Staged Reading for Bisexual Awareness Week

Hello all readers!

I had the pleasure of the most wonderful telephone meetings with Dr. Dr. Herukhuti.

First and foremost he’s an awesomely supportive individual. I’d seen a post in the New York Area Bisexual Network about a play that was casting bi folks for a bi play. 😀

My initial contact with him came the day I tried out by phone, reading lines to the man who wrote the play himself!

I was so nervous but I tried my best. When I floundered he encouraged me to continue and assured me I was doing good. After the reading him and I engaged in a most enlightening and freeing conversation.

I didn’t get selected for the play but he was kind enough to call me and tell me personally. He also extended the offer to BiWifeLife (at that time) to be a sponsor for his play. He was even kind enough to offer his assistance on the name change when the time came along with J. Christopher of FluidBiDesign/MenKind. 🙂

My husband and I read the script together and to be perfectly honest the play reflects so many facets of our lives it’s like I could have written it myself! I can’t give away any spoilers, you have to come out and see it for yourself 🙂

I STRONGLY encourage ALL Bi people & supporters, men, women, gender non conforming and trans, to come out and watch the play.

It’s an amazing play, believe me I know the script in detail.

“My Brother’s Keeper touches on many of the issues bi people face such as stigma, under educated friends and family, safe sex practices in non monogamy, honesty & communication within relationships and so much more.”

-Jay Dee, Founder LivingBi (formerly BiWifeLife)

My Brother's Keeper
My Brother’s Keeper

Dr. Herukhuti is a clinical sociologist, cultural studies scholar, and traditional African shaman who focuses on sexuality, gender, and spirituality themes within the African Diaspora. His work has been published and anthologized in various academic and popular contexts including Sexualities, Journal of Bisexuality, ARISE Magazine, and Ma-Ka Diasporic Juks: Contemporary Writings by Queers of African Descent.

Politically Correct?

Every single day there’s a new LGBT terminology, a new politically correct way to address a fellow human, a proper way to approach a topic.

Last time I checked each human is an individual different from every single other human on this planet. Not even identical twins think and behave EXACTLY alike in all respects.

Through media and politics it seems we as residents of this country have lost our right to think and feel however we may wish.

Sure racism, homophobia, trans phobia and all of the many other unjust patterns of thought are harmful, painful and horrible but the fact is we can’t stop people from thinking and feeling however they do. Not everyone agrees with Our site I’m sure, but we’ll be here anyway 🙂

Whomever controls this country can attempt to inundate our population with the latest schools of thought but not everyone is required to buy in.

Some folks just won’t change until they leave this earth. Some folks are able to see varying points of view and adjust accordingly or even change perspectives. Not everyone can.

I have never, ever been one to be politically correct. Respectful, yes, politically correct, no. I wouldn’t be who I am if I was. I’m  outspoken, I think for myself, don’t have a problem speaking my opinion and I don’t take kindly to people telling me what I should think and how I should feel.

I’m sure our readers and other Administrators can agree being told what to think and how to feel is not the cloth we choose to be a part of, that’s why we’re here. To speak out on an area not many are speaking out on.

All of this being said, for the record HerBiLife & HisBiLife (Formerly BiWifeLife) will take a NEUTRAL stance on all controversial and political topics regarding & within the LGBT Community.

Many if not most of Our readers ARE NOT involved in the politics of the LBGT Community and I, as the Founder of this community, don’t feel it’s appropriate to get our readers caught up in controversy or conflict.

If you notice Bruce Jenner is not on this blog. Nor will I write about the topic. I would ask any other Administrator/Contributor to refrain from jumping on the band wagon with any other controversial LGBT topic discussion here.

I think for myself, as do you, as does every soul on this planet.

Sure, we can express our opinions and discuss hot topics but to get caught up in the frenzy of some hot political topic based around sexuality or gender identity is just not my style.

I’m a rogue of society and I’m fine being just that. Never will I follow the masses.

I can be respectful of other’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives but I will not be bullied by the court of public opinion or jeopardize our peaceful, budding community by opposing some school of thought people think I should follow or promote.

Much rather would just stay out of things…

That’s what works for me and I think that’s what’s best for Us here. Can’t please everyone you know?

How do you feel about LGBT politics?

-Jay Dee, Founder

COMMENT BELOW

What I Learned During Pride Month

Whew!

That was a very animated exhale of relief.

Pride month is over…but BiVisibility month is almost here.

June is the month designated for all things Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Asexual, Intersex (LGBTQAI). Rainbows drape our city from banners to building lights to colorful outfits on every other person and establishments working hard to get those gay dollars.

Every LGBTQAI organization or agency is in a frenzy the entire month promoting, throwing events, parties, classes, groups, gatherings, gallery showings, fashion shows, drag shows and anything else you can imagine to celebrate and acknowledge LGBTQAI Pride.

NYC Pride March 2015
Sea of Flags. Coming down Christopher Street nearing the end of the Pride March, NYC, 2015

Now, here’s my take on it all.

My mother was very involved with The March as I was growing up. I marched as a child with her then in my teen years independently of her with youth groups.

I stopped participating in all things PRIDE around 18 for religious reasons (Pride is listed as one of the 7 deadly sins…I chose to not partake in any activities under that label). I marched again for the first time again at age 33 which was 2 years ago, then again this year.

The first year back was to immerse my husband in the Community so he could see this sexuality thing is much more than sex. There are many facets and layers to this sexuality thing. Not to celebrate my Queerness but to educate someone who knew a little but not a lot about the issues we face(d) and the journey we all still face. We did get “caught up” in the fever and partook in our fair share of indulgence 😉

The second year we marched together, him fully understanding the many faces of Our Community, in solidarity with “the movement”. He saw how the B in LGBTQAI seemed to be silent in so many ways. He understood the many levels of this LGBTQAI Community here in NYC and why I cared so much about Our Bi Community. 🙂

This year my daughter and I marched in partnership with The Brooklyn Community Pride Center to promote BiWifeLife in whatever capacity we could.

Under normal circumstances I’m not much involved in the LGBTQAI Community here in NYC or anywhere else due to the many layers and overtly oppressing politics within and the unspoken but all powerful “Gay hierarchy” in which Bisexuals are the dirty bunch, the bad apples and the kids “they” don’t like to play with.

cropped-large-love-knows-no-gender.jpg

I also avoid political bullshit (and there’s A LOT in NYC’s queer community) because I’m a very outspoken politically incorrect person at times (think Wendy Williams, Whoopie Goldberg). Especially when pissed off, therefore I choose to refrain from situations where I may rub the wrong person the wrong way and stagnate the growth of this BiWife Community.

Now, with all that being said, I love BiWifeLife. I really do.

I worked my butt off this entire month to build partnerships and promote Us.

Why?

Because there’s clearly a need for Our space and I’d love to make it truly accessible to every woman all over the world. I aspire to turn this blog into a 501c3 organization with ground meetings across the U.S and beyond if I could.

I also realize it’s not within my capacity to do so without the assistance of others.

I’d like to thank Our Contributing Author Mercedes Jet for traveling into NYC to be a part of this year’s march.

She carried our sign (which I was mortified to find had the wrong url…but folks have been finding Us anyway) through the entire march behind the banner of The New York City Bisexual Contingent which included many Bi groups such as NYBAN, BiRequest and others.

What I learned this year is how pertinent preparedness is for promoting one’s LGBTQAI Org, how much work it takes to publicize a new org in a sea of other orgs and how little sleep I would get.

Again, I also realized how much I couldn’t do alone.

In all honesty I don’t want to take the month of June to run myself ragged. I do still have a family and a Community does not  include ONE person alone. Father’s Day is important, my husband’s birthday happens to be Pride kickoff, the 26th and he would like ONE year where we just don’t do ANYTHING pride unless he wants.

I implore all you regular readers to ponder how YOU can contribute to getting the word out about BiWifeLife and helping others find US. 

There’s a host of approaches one could take from social media management to ground promotions to calling other orgs and sending emails and of course CONTRIBUTING AUTHORS.

This  is a CALL TO ALL READERS,  participate, don’t just watch the posts and comments, get involved!

We are here for you, help us make it possible to be there for people who don’t even know we’re here.

Email: biwifelife@gmail.com to become involved.

HUSBANDS, WIVES OF BIWIVES, SUPPORTERS IN ALL RESPECTS WELCOME!!!

-Jay Dee, Founder

BiWives in Africa?

I had to share an excerpt from this article. I found the perspective on bisexual married women by the women themselves very interesting. The fact the husband’s support them as well is so awesome.

Sounds like the U.S could use a lesson…

Kendall is often quoted in discussions around homosexuality in Africa due to her research on same-sex relationships and sexuality among Lesotho women. Kendall spent a couple of years in Lesotho in the early 1990s; initially hoping to find women who identified as lesbians like herself, she was disappointed to discover that no Mosotho woman identified as lesbian. Yet some of the women who befriended Kendall became comfortable enough to reveal to her that it was not uncommon for women to kiss each other passionately in private, away from the gaze of men. Not limited to kissing, there were instances of tribadism, rubbing, fondling and oral sex between Basotho women who described these instances as women simply “loving each other” or “having a nice time together” while at the same time insisting that what they did was not.

Still Kendall reached the conclusion that Basotho women were aware of the erotic nature of their relationships with other women, even if they did not view their encounters as sexual. To these women, the erotic nature of their relationships with other women did not count as sex because to them sex involves a penis. One Mosotho woman, Mpho ‘M’atsepo Nthunya, spoke candidly about how her “special friend” chose her, and how elaborate feasts were celebrated to show the commitment between the two of them. These feasts involved eating, drinking, dancing, the exchange of gifts, and the ritual sacrifice of animals in what would seem like a wedding. The ceremonies were observed by other people, including the women’s husbands, all of whom knew and accepted that the two women were making a commitment to each other.

No matter that these feasts resembled weddings, they are not weddings, and yet these lesbian-like institutions are part of tradition, and suggest that in the pre-colonial past there were similar instances in which women formed intimate and erotic bonds that were publicly acknowledged and honoured. Kendall’s research highlights a very important aspect that is often overlooked in the battle to place, or to completely remove, homosexuality in African history. That indigenous African worldviews do not have names for same-sex relationships does not necessarily mean that such relationships were alien. The field of sexuality in Africa remains largely understudied, but we cannot assume that our ancestors would have regarded homosexuality as taboo even if they did not have a name for it.

We can thank European colonialism for the reconstruction of indigenous African modes of thinking and philosophy.Colonialism is also the root of the criminalisation of homosexuality that still persists in most post-colonial African countries, and also the crafting of identities on the basis of sexual preferences. At the same time, colonialism brought new terms in which sex is/was understood as well as encouraging the rise of homosexual identity as a social lifestyle. In the present day, while Western governments push for African governments to have more friendly approaches towards gay rights – counter-productively, because the harder they push, the more African governments resist what they see as neo-colonial meddling – other Western institutions,most of them religious, have encouraged anti-gay sentiment in countries like Uganda.”

Homosexuality and African history: the roots of the criminalisation of homosexuality

What do American BiWives think about this article?

-Jay Dee, Founder

Valentine’s Day Weekend

This year Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday, the first day of a three day weekend.

This time of year can be difficult for some, blissful for others.

This is another holiday I do not celebrate but many do.

When Valentine’s Day is mentioned images of love, chocolate, companionship, romanticism and other sweet thoughts come to mind.

For those who’s lives are not complete feelings of emptiness can come about.

I personally miss having a girlfriend to do sweet things for. Not Valentine’s day, every day.

I’m such a romantic.

If I had a girlfriend I wouldn’t have missed the sweetness of Her this weekend or every other day I am left only half complete.

I am grateful for my husband, my rock, my love.

I am grateful one half of me is complete.

-Jay Dee, Founder

Fellas, If Your Lady Is Bi…

…don’t lose your mind over it.  Chances are good that if she’s bisexual, it ain’t about you… unless, of course, you’re not handling, uh, certain business behind closed doors (but I’m not gonna go there yet).

I’m here today to tell you to not buy into the stereotype and gross misconception that if she’s bisexual, that means she wants to have a threesome or some other sexual encounter that’s gonna raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels.  It doesn’t mean that she’d rather be with a woman than to be with you because, duh, if that was the case, she wouldn’t be with you, would she?

Just as she has had to learn how to accept her sexuality, you have to learn how to accept it as well.  Forget any prejudices or biases you have about homosexuality because they don’t exactly apply to her.  Don’t start belittling her because she has a thing for women and don’t screw the pooch and accuse her of cheating on you.  If she was bisexual before you met her, well, dude, in order for you to be with her, you kinda agreed to accept everything about her, not just the parts you like and, oh, yeah, if you think you didn’t agree to this, guess again.

If she finds that she’s bisexual after you hooked up with her, it’ll do you some good to understand that people change and they change for reasons that might not make sense to you… but this ain’t about you.  The smart man will ask her what he can do to support her in this; the stupid man will start pitching a bitch and saying dumb shit like, “I should be enough for you!”

Um, are you really?  Ya might want to rethink that bit of arrogance on your part.  Here’s a cold slap in the face for you:  If she needs the touch of another woman, uh, you’re not a woman; you’re not equipped or even qualified to take care of that particular need and while she very well may love having you hammer her whenever you get to do that, nope, you’re not enough for her.

Don’t just assume that she wants to actually go out and do something about her bisexuality; a lot of bisexual women are content to know that they’re bisexual and will give up any chances to get with another woman in favor of being with you.  Don’t go on a rant about your feelings – that’s not gonna help and all you’re gonna do is make her unhappy and, well, you probably already know what she’s like when she’s not a happy camper so if you feel the need to go there, you must be a glutton for punishment.  Jumping in her case and being all “Me Tarzan, you Jane!” and waving your dick around just isn’t going to help you, your lady, or your relationship with her and more so if you really do love her.

The smart man will realize that if girlfriend is bisexual, that gives you two something else in common; the stupid man won’t be able to see past his own thinking about such things, will fail to see the commonality, and will be thinking only about his own selfish needs… so this guy – and I hope that you’re not that guy – seriously needs to grow up, get his head out of his ass, and accept the fact that your woman has to be the person she wants to be and not the person you think or want them to be (or think they should be).

And if you don’t know the differences here, make an appointment with me and I’ll explain it to you…

Should you feel the need to go all Old Testament on her, you’re going to plant a seed of resentment within her (not a good thing) that might one day come back to bite most of your ass off.  And, really, any negative reaction to her sexuality just isn’t going to be a good thing for either of you so, if you ask me (and you probably didn’t), the best thing for you, her, and your relationship is to just accept that she’s bisexual.

Yeah, sure, you can ask her what this is all about and if you’re lucky (read this as she doesn’t think you’re gonna be an asshole about it), she will explain her sexuality to you… and you’d damned sure better listen.  Yep, you can ask her, “What does this mean for us?” but don’t you dare ask her, “What about me?”

Her sexuality ain’t about you, dude, well, not certain parts of it anyway.  You can ask her how she came to feel this way and, again, you should listen very carefully and with your mind as wide-open as you can get it.  It’s not gonna be easy to listen to and more so if you have it in your head that you could never be bisexual – just remember that this ain’t about what you think about bisexuality.  Yeah, it just might offend you – and it does offend a lot of men so don’t think it’s just you; you might even have it in your head to leave her… but ask yourself why that makes any sense and more so since before you found out that she was bisexual, um, weren’t you very much in love with her?

Fellas, if your lady is bisexual, don’t freak out, get bent out of shape, or anything like that; the best thing you could do for her (and, ultimately, yourself) is to accept this part of her.  She can be bisexual without breaking the bond she has with you and while you could believe the hype, don’t you think it would be better to hear it from her and believe what she’s saying about it?

Accept her; understand her; support her and, damned important, don’t stop loving her.  Be the smart man and not the stupid one.  Take this advice from a man who knows all too well what it’s like to have a bisexual woman at his side.

-KDaddy23, Contributing Author

I Married a Bisexual Woman

Wow, talk about an interesting relationship situation!  See, as a bisexual man, I’m all too aware of the “problems” bisexuality can bring to the table… but when you find out that the woman you married (or are otherwise involved with) is bisexual you think, at first, that this is a good thing and, please, don’t get me wrong because it is a good thing because it gives the both of you more in common than you originally thought.

But I learned that a bisexual woman kinda makes being a bi guy look easy.  Women are funny about sex to begin with and, as a man, you almost – almost – get used to their peculiar and different outlook toward sex until you find out that their being bisexual makes their odd behavior even more odd.

When I first met the woman who’d eventually become my wife, I began to see that there was something… different about her and as we talked about things sexual – as well as other things – I began to suspect that, hey, my girlfriend likes girls, too!  But every time I asked her about this, she categorically denied it even though she had related that she had had a couple of girl/girl experiences.  I didn’t believe her for one minute; I was 90% sure that she was bisexual and I guess the easiest way to explain why I knew is that it takes one to know one.

It wasn’t until after we were married that I got her to finally confess that, yes, she was very much into women and the reason why she never confessed to this before is that she was worried that I’d dump her.  I thought this was kinda insane because, duh, I’m bisexual and she knew I was so why would I get rid of her because she was like me?  Now, you’d think that after getting past this, things would be easier, right?

Nope – they got worse.  See, the problem with being married and bisexual is just as bad for women as it is for men because that whole “keep only unto yourself” thing is morally and legally binding.  You have these desires for someone who’s the same sex as you are but the rules say that you cannot do a damned thing about it; otherwise, you’re a cheater and the scum of the earth and more so if, in this situation, you do some same-sex cheating.

So we wound up changing the rules (but not because she wanted to be with women) and once we did, yeah, she was a happier camper whenever she could get herself a slice or two of tuna.  Her behavior in this seriously got me paying attention to the other women I was coming into contact with once we opened up our relationship… and I learned that there were a lot of bisexual women who behaved pretty much in the same way my wife did.  At first, they didn’t want to admit it… but then they would… but then they would say it wasn’t a big deal… but you knew that it was… and trying to convince them that it was okay for them to like women was like pulling teeth from a pissed off shark.

I used to think that bi guys had big-time issues dealing with their dual sexuality but being married to a bi woman just really takes the cake.  I knew that my duty as a husband was to encourage her to be the woman she wanted to be and if that included having a love for women, okay, I could easily get my head around that and, yes, being bisexual myself did make that easy.  She was okay with me being okay with her sexuality but, like most bisexuals, she was frustrated because trying to find someone to throw down with is just as difficult for women as it is for men.  And while she didn’t give up on being bisexual, she would behave just like the other bisexual women I’d really gotten to know:  Act as if it’s no big deal when it really was.

And women want to know why men think they’re insane? Now, this writing isn’t a condemnation of my now-ex-wife or any woman who is bisexual; I just know that a having a bisexual woman by your side can make you a little crazy.

I talk to my current wife about her being bisexual.  She’s not reluctant to talk about it, has no problem admitting and/or accepting that she’s bi… but to listen to the way she thinks about her sexuality, eh, it’s no big deal; despite having the desires, she feels there’s no need to do anything about them and, no, there’s no rule that says if you’re bisexual, you HAVE to do something about it.  If I’ve learned anything about bisexual women and, again, I’ve been involved with a few of them, the thing that makes the difference is their attitude about sex.  They’ve all had some sexual trauma in their lives (at the hands of men, sad to say) and this has played into their mindset/behavior.  Also at the hands of men, any time they might have expressed their desire to check out the other side of themselves, they’ve gotten their head handed to them.

Some have been afraid to sexually express themselves because they don’t want other people to think they’re lesbians; some are so “geared” toward having sex (or otherwise being intimate) with men that they’re willing to set aside their desires for women.  I had one wife who pretty much made herself nuts about this because while she was free and clear to explore her sexuality, she didn’t always take advantage of it and when she did, suffered rejection at times… but when she could get with a woman, she was very happy.  When we became a poly quartet, she was very much in love with the two women who were a part of us.  The two of them were adamant about being “strictly dickly” but, um, yeah, their bisexual side got exposed.  I got to pay very close attention to these two women and how they deal with having their bi side exposed… and just like my then-wife and my wife today, they were ambivalent about it.

And I don’t pretend to understand it.  It’s so very different from how I deal with being bisexual and it’s so very different from how I know other bisexual men deal with being bisexual.  At the end of the day, you tend to chalk this… discrepancy up to the difference between men and women when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  I understand having preferences, even in this… but being married to a bisexual woman will change one’s understanding about this.

It’s cool to have a bi-wife… but not so much at times…

-KDaddy23, Contributing Author

BiWifeLife Volunteer Opportunities

With only months left to PRIDE I ask myself this constant question even more than usual:

What is it I want to do with BiWifeLife and how am I going to do it?

I know what I want to do, I think I know how to go about doing it, and I’m doing it.

I’m not doing it alone.

There are awesome women such as KT and Meredith Lee who are awesome contributors to this blog.

We are all busy and all work hard to find the time to fit BiWifeLife into our lives.

It’s another compartment in our lives we’ve got to find a time slot for.

It’s not easy. There’s so much to be done and we’re all so busy.

I’d like to urge every single one of Our readers who are interested in helping BiWifeLife in any way move forward, to come forward.

I don’t mind being a solid reference for anyone who does anything to contribute to this online community.

With that being said, it’s a New Year. I’d like to move in another direction.

I am looking for creative, thoughtful, edgy and raw contributing authors to join our team of awesome BiWife Writers. All of us have hectic lives and can BARELY find time to write…but we do. We all take a minute here and there to spill our thoughts and feelings into an article and get it out there to share with others. We have a wide range of article topics here, and I LOVE it. I love diversity in perspectives. Come on, share your BiWife perspective with Us!

If you have an eye for the latest in beauty & fashion, a passion for fitness and health, if you travel a lot we’d love to have you as a contributor. You can submit reviews, photos, thoughts, videos, etc. Anything you think the community might like to see. 🙂 Choose to contribute to one or all categories!

Techies, you can pad your portfolio right here! 🙂 I’m open to new ideas and concepts regarding internet presence and appearance.

Tell your story. Do you have an interesting BiJourney and you’d like to share it with us? Send it in. We’ll send you an email to confirm we’d like to publish it and we’ll send you a link when it’s up. Photos are encouraged but not necessary.

Think about it, see if it’s right for you and drop a line to biwifelife@gmail.com to ask any questions you may have.

Thanks for the support this far BiWifeLife Community. I thought this was just going to be a place I vented about the struggles of being married and bisexual.

It was you, the readers and commenters who really made this a place to call home. A home for me and for so many others who haven’t gotten the courage to post yet, who haven’t commented yet, who are still reading archive articles, who are showing this site to their husbands, who are struggling with questions and need a place to turn.

Thank you.

You guys are awesome! I do home some of you will join Us in growing this community.

-Jay Dee, Founder

Submit YOUR Story

Hello all!

I’d like to encourage you all who have a desire to share your FULL story with the community to email

biwifelife@gmail.com

Posting a full story in the ‘Connect Here’ section is cool but sometimes stories are best posted as articles for all to see.

Check out Cara’s Story. An awesome story of love, courage, family, marriage, divorce and friendship.

Don’t be scared, go ahead, send your story in now!

We’ll respond with a link to your published story.

We can use whatever photos of YOURSELF or name you wish to use.

Photos do not have to be included.

I’ll be on the lookout for those stories in Our inbox!

-Jay Dee, Founder