Pride?

I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying ‘Pride is a sin’.

Over the years Gay Pride has become a hugely celebrated holiday in the US.

For those of us who are in hetero appearing relationships this time of year can be ultimately conflicting.

Especially for those of Us who are not ‘out’ to family and friends.

It’s a time when the country is talking about the Gay community a bit more than usual.

For those of us with Bi Invisibility those conversations can be VERY uncomfortable.

I cannot count how many times my husband and I have been around conversations concerning homosexuality and bisexuality where abrasive, homophobic words and thoughts were said.

It’s easy to get fired up and ‘come out’ by ‘accident’ in a heated conversation this time of year.

It’s a time many of Us choose to come out to loved ones around PRIDE.

Many bisexual humans involved in hereto appearing long term relationships don’t feel PRIDE has anything at all to do with Our lives.

I personally wish We had more visibility, more awareness, less stigma, more respect for the fact we do exist.

Despite my husband’s birthday falling on NYC PRIDE every year he has again selflessly decided to walk again in this year’s NYC PRIDE march in solidarity with all the BiHusbands of our City.

For now we will be the faces of you all who are still behind the walls of Bi Invisibility but We invite you all to march with us this and every year.

One of these years we’ll be on vacation somewhere privately celebrating his birthday, that year we hope to see you all representing while we’re away.

So far we’ve yet to break the walls that hide Us because it is you the readers who are crippled by societal stigma and fear, preventing Us from doing so.

You have not emailed us, you have not shown up, shown out or volunteered.

So many of you are still so deeply hidden. 😦

Our cause is not to shine a light on each of you personally but a light on Us as a whole within the LGBTQAI Community.

We do hope this year you’ll consider meeting Us in Manhattan tomorrow to march with Our signs, behind the Brooklyn Community Pride Center banner.

If not my hope in writing this article is to get you all to thinking about your own Bi Invisibility and how it hurts/helps your life & others who are still hiding in the shadows of stigma and societal perceptions.

I know my life is hurt because I am invisible and the girl of my dreams can’t see me…

Therefore I march for Our visibility.

-Jay Dee, Founder, LivingBi/BiWifeLife

In The Meantime, In The Background…

Well, I’ve been out of sight for a while but trust me, BiWifeLife is all that’s been on my mind through the month of June. It’s PRIDE month!!!

I’ve been working very hard in the background, doing ground work to get Our name out there and bring visibility to Us as a community.

We are a community.

A community of wives and husbands, fiances, girlfriends and boyfriends who all deal with the same issue- a bisexual mate.

With the wonderful addition of KDaddy we are able to view the perspective of a husband married to a bisexual woman. We are able to cater to husbands questions, concerns, etc through a man’s eyes. I’m working to expand that concept.

BiWifeLife has partnered with The Brooklyn Community PRIDE Center in Brooklyn, New York to throw the first Bisexual Social Mixer in the center’s history on July 1, 2015 at 7pm.

BiWifeLife Social Mixer July 12015

IF our turn out is good we’ll begin a Bi gathering Bi weekly right here in Brooklyn, NYC.

Now, we know there are other bi gatherings  here in the city, maybe even in Brooklyn BUT this is a social gathering sponsored by BiWifeLife, a place for married bisexual women.

My husband will be co-facilitating the mixers/groups right alongside me.

I do have hopes of expanding our resource to Bisexual married men, I am arranging meetings with other orgs in the coming week or so to do just that.

Just yesterday I was at the Mayor’s Pride Reception where the Mayor of NYC and his wife gave awesome speeches and reminded everyone this city flies rainbow flags too, not just the American Flag. There I connected with many great people in many great circles who not only loved the concept of BiWifeLife but had many contacts and resources who would be interested in Our cause. BiWife Visibility. We are invisible.

As I explained to someone earlier when my husband and I attend PRIDE events sometimes we get sneers and ugly looks upon entering the room…that is until I pull out my BiWifeLife business card and all of a sudden I now am beyond welcomed. Bisexual married women AND men are invisible. Even more invisible than the much overlooked B in the LGBT. It truly pains me there aren’t more resources for Us. I’m working hard to partner/collaborate/join forces with other Bi organizations and resources to let women around the world know We are here.

Being it’s PRIDE month there are many more organizations out and about, mixing, socializing, gathering, marching, etc. Last year we attended the Transcending Boundaries Conference where we let other organizations know for the first time that We, BiWifeLife exsists. This year my husband and I will be doing a workshop on “Disclosing and Managing Bisexuality in Marriage or an LTR” at that very same conference.

We (my husband, family and I) all partake in promoting BiWifeLife to get the word out there is a place for Bisexual Married women, soon Bisexual Married Men as well.

We face a unique set of issues only We can understand. No one wears our shoes but Us.

I hope to have BiWifeLife Gear, mugs, keychains, pens, mousepads, events, retreats, etc…but again I’m like a one woman show.

I can’t keep doing it all alone.

We are a community.

If YOU would like to be involved we are in need of:

1. Social Media Moderator

2. Blog Editor

3. Contributing Writers

4. Techies to manage other platforms

This blog is powered by YOU, the readers and commenters, the ones who engage in dialog and keep things interesting here.

I’d like to thank you all for being with Us thus far!!!

Drop a line to biwifelife@gmail.com if you’re interested in volunteering.

-Jay Dee, Founder

So Now What?

I’m gonna beg your indulgence and ask you, dear readers, to take a little trip with me, if you don’t mind.  When it comes to a bi wife, I learned to understand some (or maybe even a lot) of the things that plague these magnificent women, from accepting their sexuality to getting their man to accept it  and, yep, right up do doing something about their sexuality… or not being able to do anything about it because being monogamous is like wearing handcuffs and shackles that can’t be unlocked.  So, for the purpose of this writing, let’s say that our bi wife – let’s call her “Pam” – has petitioned her husband – “Phil” – to be able to find a girlfriend and explore the ways of Sappho with her which, of course, breaks the rules as far as not cheating is concerned.

Pam hasn’t quite been “hammering” Phil with her petition but she’s been pretty smart about when to bring it up because she understands what her needs are in this and what she wants to do about it; she also knows that while they say it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission, she’d rather ask for and get his permission to change the rules just enough for her to be fulfilled as a person and as a woman.  Let’s say that after months of having this discussion with Phil and effectively and logically pleading her case, Phil finally relents and sees the logic of what she’s proposing and tells her, “Okay, baby – whatever’s gonna make you happy…”

So… now what?  Should Pam run right out and go hunting?  Oh, and for this intellectual exercise, let’s say that Pam hasn’t already had someone set up and ready to go once she got permission, okay?  Given this, the answer is no:  The next thing Pam should do is to sit down with Phil and establish the rules and conditions under which this divergence from the norm is to take place and, no, this isn’t – or shouldn’t – be one of those things that gets done in a matter of hours; indeed, if she does, in fact, give a damn about Phil’s feelings (and she should), Pam should be prepared to take as much time as necessary to hash this important factor out and, oh, yeah, with the awareness that there’s no such thing as a free lunch or Phil might want something in return for giving his blessing and if he does, um, you should be ready to give it to him because while Pam’s sexuality is about her, their marriage is about them.

One of the things I’ve seen has been bi wives getting the require permission to explore their sexuality (or to pick it up where they left off before they got married), gone through the rules and conditions phase so that things will continue to run smoothly between them, and then she doesn’t do anything… after making it known to her man that she needs to do something about the other side of her dual feelings.  I’ve seen – and have had women tell me – that because they never thought that they’d get that permission, they were in limbo because they just didn’t have a plan in place for what to do at this point.  Some women find that finding that woman to be a girlfriend/lover is harder than they thought and I’ve seen some women become totally frustrated because, for some reason I’ve never pretended to understand, they seem to expect a girlfriend/lover to fall into their  laps and without any effort on their part.  Some I know have… self-esteem or self-image concerns and to the point where they’ve gotten the permission they so badly needed but now thinks/believes that no other woman would be interested in them.

Okay, here’s the problem – again.  If a bi wife is going to petition her man for permission to proceed, she’d better have everything planned out before she says to him, “Baby, there’s something I need to talk to you about…,” from laying out the proposal to him in a logical way, through anticipating that he might wants something for himself if he gives that permission, to the rules and conditions that have to be in place before the fact – and along with the understanding that these rules are subject to change or renegotiation as needed because situations change – and, finally, the bi wife who has successfully done all of this isn’t even done with the work that’s necessary because she has to have a plan for finding that girlfriend/lover she needs in her life.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot something very important:  Doing the deed itself (and provided she hasn’t already had some experience with this).  I know quite a few women who have gotten through all of this very intensive work, have gotten a girlfriend/lover and, in the moment of truth, found that making love with her isn’t as doable as originally thought.  It’s one thing to think you can, say, go down on another woman; it’s another thing to think that you would enjoy it immensely; and it is something entirely and completely different to have your face right there and find that, um, it’s not that simple.

Just like men who have gotten to the moment of truth and have found that they couldn’t pull the trigger and go through with the things they’ve only thought about and have chickened out, I’ve known women to do the exact same thing and, from what they’ve told me, it’s because they never thought about this particular possibility.  I’ve had them tell me that they’ve pretty much said, “Fuck it…” and gone for the gusto and even like they’re old pros at making love with women… only to have Guilt show up and kick their cute asses all over the place because (a) they had sex with a woman and (b) they’ve now officially “cheated” on the man who gave his permission and all the things that go with this.

So before “now what” ever comes into play, please believe me when I tell you that before you bi wives even think about asking your husband for that permission, you’d better have a plan in place and have thought it all out from the beginning all the way through dealing with yourself after you’ve done the deed.  I don’t honestly think you can leave any part of this to, “I’ll deal with it when I have to” because there’s no telling when you’re gonna have to deal with this or that.  Sadly, I also know women who have never gotten to the moment of “So now what?” because they innately understand that it is just way too much hassle to get there.

And they’d be right – because it is.  Still, I’ve seen women get to “So now what?” and totally screw the pooch because it never occurred to them that even though they’re now free to act, the conversation between her and her husband never stops – and it can’t stop… it should never stop.   The husband should continue to be involved and invested in this and as much as he needs and wants to be and, no, you don’t get to decide this for him.  I know some hubbies who have given their permissions and didn’t want to know anything else afterward while some want and need to be kept in the loop because, again and forever again, her sexuality is about her… but her marriage to them is still about them.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

 

Holy Crap…!

I’ve been thinking about something Helen said in her comment to, “Okay, Here’s the Problem…” and her husband’s reaction to her proposal of an open relationship and, yeah, his reaction is what I’d call typical and I can never forget my own reaction when my wife brought it up.  When you grow up believing in monogamy and the sanctity of marriage, it can be one hell of a hit to the crotch to find out that your partner wants to change things in a very major way and because she’s discovered (or hasn’t really forgotten) that she’s bisexual… and now she feeling the pull toward acting on her feelings.

That, all by itself, can be a low blow for a husband and one who has it firmly in his mind that his wife will never, ever, want to be intimate with anyone but him and because she’s not ever supposed to as long as they are married.   Bisexuality and being in a relationship is really like mixing oil and water; you can get it to blend but, at some point, it’s gonna separate and require remixing and, dear Lord, the problems this can create are almost beyond description.  Spouses are expected and required to deal with whatever happens – for better or for worse – but this can be complicated when “Keeping only unto yourself” and “Forsaking all others” becomes threatened due to – in this case – her sexuality.

And, yes, because there are a lot of men who are threatened by the thought of anyone else getting the wife’s goodies, everything can just blow up; he might be able to understand her, ah, other needs but he’s gonna be thinking, “What about my needs?  What about what I want?”  A wife is expected and required to have his wants and needs first and foremost in her mind and, as Helen very accurately pointed out, it sets the stage for a situation that will make him a happy camper… but might not make her as happy as she is now expected and required to set her wants and needs aside in favor of her man’s.

But is this the right thing to do?  It’s a question I asked myself once upon a time and my initial answer was, “Yeah, but…” and because I was beginning to understand that being married was a lot more complicated than I could imagine.  There are the vows… then there’s the responsibility and push to make everyone’s life as good as possible – which is never easy even without a sexuality issue being in the mix… but I had to ask myself if my objections to what the wife wanted to do were legitimate and if, as her husband, I had the right to deny her that which she needed.  I found that I didn’t… but that doesn’t mean that some other husband wouldn’t say that he does have the right to kick her needs to the curb in favor of what he believes is right and proper.

You see the problem here, don’t you?  In my situation, I realized that if I kicked her proposition to the curb (and as almost any other husband would do), I would have broken my promise – and invalidated my word – that I’d do anything for her happiness… and with the implied thing that, no, I wasn’t gonna go kill someone or some other crazy junk like that but, yeah, if I could do it, I promised her that I would.  So when I got hit with this, yep, she called me out on this and I had a choice:  Renege on my word and go all Old Testament on her or find a way to do it and without trashing our relationship in the process.

I found a way to do it and, yes, it didn’t make me feel good at all but I think I would have felt a lot worse had I not been bisexual myself; I’ll say again that my own sexuality gave me an advantage that most husbands don’t have (unless there’s something going on that the wife doesn’t know about yet) – I understood her needs all too well because they were just like my own needs and now it was a major exercise in problem resolution and some inner conflict resolution so that I could make the ill feelings I did have about doing some damage to our vows.  Still, I realized that if what we were about to do was going to be successful, I had to put my bad feelings aside and work the problem because despite any of those bad feelings, there was one thing I knew for a fact:  If I had put my foot down, she would have just gone and done it anyway.  This is a wife saying that she doesn’t recognize her husband’s “authority” over her and, indeed, I’ve heard a lot of bi wives in this situation tell her husband, “You’re not the boss of me!”

How did we do it?  We talked… a lot.  She didn’t run right out to get a girl when I said, “Okay…” – we got into the deepest conversation we’ve ever experienced with each other and one that lasted for almost a year as we hashed out the new “rules” we would be operating under as well as getting into a very intense examination of our feelings… and that, my friends, was very painful to listen to; as a man, you get your ego put in check pretty damned quick to find out that you’re not ever gonna be enough for her emotionally and physically.  No, it’s not that you’re not capable of getting the job done for her – she wouldn’t have married you if you couldn’t, right? – but, I dunno, it’s hard to get your head around that fact that this important thing she needs is something you cannot provide because, um, you’re a guy and, as such, aren’t qualified or equipped to handle this need no matter how good you are in bed.

It wasn’t easy for me to get my head into the place it needed to be… but if my overall duty was to make this marriage the best it could be for both of us, logically, it made sense for me to get my head into the right place and the sooner, the better; otherwise, we’d be circling the drain quickly and there was just too much at risk to allow things to go down the drain.  The thing I learned was that when you’re told that being married is about sacrifice, ha, you have no idea how deep the rabbit hole really is when it comes to sacrifice and that refusing to make a sacrifice for (a) her sake and/or (b) the sake of the relationship is just downright selfish, to say the least.  I could go on for hours about the negative emotions that I had to deal with and, ultimately, eliminate or otherwise suppress… and because I made a promise and vow to do right by her.

That’s how I looked at it and I’m guessing that any other husband with a bi wife who has allowed her to take care of her, um, girl needs, might have looked at it in a similar fashion.  It’s about compersion – being happy because she’s happy and the concept we grow up with, i.e., if we love someone, there shouldn’t be too many things we won’t do for them – and now it’s a matter of one’s personal honor and, really, it’s about one’s perspective about marriage and what it means… and now I’m talking about all that stuff they don’t tell us about being married, the things we wind up finding out the hard way.  Sacrifice gets redefined and you get a lesson in what compromise means and one that will take you very far out of your comfort zone.  You get an understanding about personal growth and maybe you wind up being kinda/sorta like me and get a very disturbing understanding of how being married can be more hazardous to your health than imaginable when you realize that your ability to grow as a person has now be inhibited.

Yeah, I know – most husbands and wives would never agree with this thing that’ll make you go, “Holy crap!” (which is not the word I wanted to use).  It’s easier to do nothing about this, easier to sacrifice yourself in favor of maintaining the status quo and not rocking the boat.  To that end, no one would “blame” Helen for giving up what she needed in favor of her husband’s sensibilities and that it was the right thing for her to do but, holy crap, was it really?  Is it just me or does anyone else find it interesting that she was filing to make a sacrifice of self that her husband was unwilling (or unable) to make?  No, I’m not saying anything bad about the man or Helen’s decision to maintain the status quo… but I do ask if this really makes sense?  And even if, intelligently, it doesn’t make sense, we’re still willing to do what Helen felt she had to do.

Finally, the caveat in all of this:  If you can’t do something like this, don’t do it!  It really takes some very serious out-of-the-box thinking and great intestinal fortitude to take such a step to make her happy with and in her bisexuality and, bluntly, it’s beyond the abilities and sensibilities of most people so, hell no, I will never “insist” that a bi wife lay this on her husband nor am I “insisting” that a man married to a bi wife has to be so accommodating.  Short of giving up one’s life for their spouse this is, in probably just my opinion, the ultimate sacrifice and acts of compromise a couple can make for each other.

I just know that it can be done if it has to be done; I’ve learned there’s a difference between marital obligation and what it means to really love someone as well as what it takes to not say, “Baby, I love you and would do anything for you, but…”  Marriage is conditional – but love isn’t supposed to be… and this is what I’ve learned being the husband of a bisexual wife.  And I also know this is the reality that we’re not supposed to pay any attention to.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author