BIWIFELIFE has shifted our focus from solely married bisexual women to include ALL GENDERS. We are changing Our name to reflect gender inclusion and the many varying long term relationship structures.
We still AVIDLY support BiSexual Married Women but we’re moving toward a space that is inclusive of bisexual married men, people who are in long term relationships not marriages, trans folk (F2M/M2F), non gender conforming and any other bisexual human who is involved in a long term relationship.
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We know what it’s like to sit at home, Googling until you find something, someone, somewhere who can identify with what you’re going through.
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Well, welcome home. You’ve found Us!
LivingBi (FORMERLY BIWIFELIFE ) is:
“A place for bisexual people, regardless of gender, involved in long term relationships or marriages.”
This blog is for US to discuss the every day challenges, triumphs, downfalls and benefits of living as a bisexual human dealing with intimate relationships, family, friends, parenting, work/professional lives and everything in between!!!
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LivingBi/BiWifeLife 
So, I was married to a man for 8 years. Then I met my next door neighbor. We had kids the same age, started hanging out when they played. We spent almost every night together, and long after the kids had gone to bed, we were out on her back porch, drinking, talking, and me thinking how beautiful she was by candlelight.
She said she loved me many times, hugged me right after saying she hated being touched, and I got scared and broke it off.
Long story short, we don’t talk. I fell for her, hard. If she up and asked me to run away with her, I would in a heartbeat.
She understood me and my baggage better than ANYONE ever has.
I never thought I could love a woman…..until her. I wouldn’t trade those nights with her for all the gold/diamonds in the world. I miss her..
I hate to say this but you do know the mistake you made by breaking it off, right? Yep, this is usually pretty scary to be confronted with and most people do freak out and run away as fast as they can… then realize that they shouldn’t have. Now, the question I’d ask you is why haven’t you talked to her and explain why you did what you did? Maybe she’ll understand it – but you probably think she won’t – but if you don’t try, you will never really know. Not saying you have to but the question has to be asked even if to make you think about why you did what you did and, of course, why you haven’t bitten the bullet and try to talk to her again.
New here and I just want to say that none of you are alone and have reiterated everything that I am feeling or have felt. As a married, bisexual 28 year old woman who is married to a man, I just want the freedom to be me and love freely and openly. Is that too much to ask? It’s costing me my mental health and I feel like I’m at a crossroads. What do we do? How far will we go for freedom?
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that hon. As an open bisexual woman I know that keeping it quiet and never being able to experience it was hell. Some experience it and find it was just something they wanted to try and weren’t really into haviing a relationship with a woman so, don’t worry that it’s going to destroy you, find someone to help you experience it and see if it is all you’ve imagined it was. Best of luck doll. ; )
Hi hello all!
Been reading this blog for months but am a first-time poster.
(Married 34yo feminist black woman married to a very traditional 40 yo white man)
So…been struggling with this overwhelming desire to hook up with a woman…its been almost 10 months and I haven’t acted on it because hubbs (Together 7, married 4, 1 amazingly awesome 2yo kid) has basically nixed the idea of me being intimate with a woman unless he can at least be present (we’ve had a threesome [and he’s pushed for more]..it was his ex and for her it was a hate-fuck thing, so though she was hot af, she wouldn’t let me touch her during any of the 3 encounters—>BUMMER)
…I do NOT want him present at all seeing as (A) I’ve repressed these needs since I can remember, (B) just really crave alone time with a woman and (c)I think he’d feel owed some attention (eyeroll).
I think I may also be craving the intimacy I should ideally have with hubbs…and looking to a woman to fulfill that since women are generally more emotionally available (as horribly stereotypical as that sounds)… Hubbs hasn’t been exactly understanding, even though I’ve reassured him repeatedly, that my desire for women has NOTHING to do with him and what he is/isn’t providing. He seems to refuse to believe that (cue eyeroll again).
I just kinda want to know- will this overwhelming desire eventually die down (again going on 10 months and I just wanna touch every semi-attractive woman I see out and about (😫😫😫 its so fucking frustrating)??? Please tell me I am not gonna have to live forever in a perpetual state of lust for every decent looking woman I see?
And god help me if I find out she hasA brain too😍😍😍😫😫😫😭😭😭
I’ve been a SAHM for the past 2/3 years and will going back to work soon…and Im SO afraid I’m going to encounter someone there who is gonna seriously tempt me to lose my will to maintain this monogamish marriage (threesomes are okay as long as he is involved….EYEROLL EYEROLL EYEROLL)…
Please god, somebody tell me Im not doomed to feel these incredibly intense feelings/desires for a woman forever…please someone tell me the intensity of said feelings at least goes away…eventually????
I “hate” to be the one to tell you but, no – the feelings never go away. One can focus as hard as they can in order to ignore what their feelings are telling them; some are successful, many are not and doing something about them just keeps being a thing that has to be done. Unfortunately, you find yourself in a situation a lot of bisexual women are in: With a husband who is okay with her being bi… as long as he can share the wealth and, like most of these women, sharing isn’t exactly what they want to do about this. Now, I might wind up losing my man/husband card for saying this, but you can possibly use this to your advantage since he’s so hyped about threesomes: If you can, find a woman who wouldn’t mind the sharing… but one who is going to lavish attention on you and, let’s say, more than him – but not in a way he’d notice in a threesome situation.
I’m all for women getting their girl-fix on and by any means necessary so a little subterfuge might be called for. You’re getting “back into the world” and chances are you will encounter someone and if you do, go for it while keeping your hubby’s “requirement” in mind. Yeah, I know – it sucks when you’d rather not have him involved but if you meet someone and can work together, you can minimize his involvement while, again, using his involvement to your advantage. It’s “better” than suffering with your desires and not having an outlet. A lot of men don’t understand that when a woman is bisexual, she needs a kind of intimacy that men just cannot ever hope to provide and I always say that if he was smart, he’d allow his wife to pursue that intimacy because he really doesn’t want to know what can happen if he doesn’t.
By the way, I happen to know that a lot of guys want to do the threesome thing with their bisexual wife not just because it’s highly erotic but as a means to “protect their investment;” some of us, sadly, have very fragile egos and can’t deal with the idea of our woman having sex with another woman and having big time fun as well so to make sure we don’t get assed out, we wanna be there and all up in things. Crazy, I know, but it is what it is… and now it’s a matter of what you’re willing to do to have what you want, even if you have to kinda “take one for the team” and include him so you can have what you want. Finally, there’s this – and I also “hate” to say it: If you do meet someone who amiable to this arrangement, um, you should be able to arrange some alone time with each other. Might seem sneaky and all that but it’s still my belief that a woman has to do whatever she can to get what she wants in this. I just firmly believe that it’s better to have a part of something rather than all of nothing… because having nothing just flat out sucks and never in a good way.
Ahhhh…okay I know that the desire overall doesn’t disappear overtime- Im more-so wondering if the overwhelming need to ACT on that desire, diminishes over time??
Also I really don’t want the hubbs involved…I feel that I’d consciously and subconsciously feel like I NEED to include him and/or “put on a better show” for him…when all I want is to be completely immersed in the experience and fully present with the woman I’m with. So a threesome, even with some subterfuge so that the overwhelming focus is on me, just doesn’t even remotely desirable (on my end anyway).
That is a part of the hubbs huge issue with my desire to act on my urges (that and the fact that I could potentially fall deep in-like or love with this imaginary other woman)…he feels it’s COMPLETELY wrong of me to want or request romantic alone time with a woman- says its a marriage boundary issue and he didn’t agree to an open marriage- which is true but I also never ever imagined in my wildest dreams that I could feel this desire so vehemently/deeply and for so long (again going on 10 mos having not acted on it…and now im regularly downing a bottle of wine at least every other night in an effort to supress these needs/thoughts….I’m starting to feel dead inside). He acts as though my sexual orientation is a personal insult to him or our marriage…at least thats how I feel he comes off.
Idk…I just want to stop wanting what I want. It would be so much easier not to.
Um, no – the urge to act doesn’t go away either, I’m sorry to say. I get what you’re saying and a lot of men feel that having a bi lady is an insult to them which is why, again, a lot of husbands want to be all up in the mix to protect their territory, as it were. It’s damned difficult to get such men to understand that while having a threesome can be good sexy fun, it’s not what you really need and that’s one-on-one time with a woman without any distractions… which is why I know some women who will employ that subterfuge I mentioned and more so if they can’t put their foot down and say, “Look, sometimes, I just need to be with her without you!” Most women won’t do this because it’s better to not rock the boat too much and find one’s self no longer married or otherwise assed out.
So the choices, such as they are, can be tough: Put up with him and his lack of understanding so you can get what you want… or try to do without and trying to suppress the desires which is, in my opinion, the wrong thing to do and more so since I’m thinking you’re learning that there’s no amount of wine in the world that’s gonna make this go away.
Now there’s a flaw in his so-called logic. He thinks it’s wrong of you to want to be alone with a woman… but he’s all for threesomes? That what you want and need to do is outside the marriage boundaries… but a threesome isn’t? Really?
Still, this – and I beg your forgiveness for saying this – ignorance on his part can be used against him. He wants and likes threesomes and the question I’d ask him is, “What are you willing to give to have what you want?” – and in the same way I asked you what are you willing to do to get what you want. This is what I call “let’s make a deal” time – sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but if you don’t try…
My ex-wife told me this the day she decided that she was going to be with a woman one way or the other: If you won’t allow it, I’m gonna do it anyway and I had a decision to make and literally a couple of minutes to do so. I had to ask myself if it was better I knew what she was going or would it be worse not knowing and being paranoid everytime she was out of my sight? So I told her to go for it and we worked it out so that what was good for the gander would be good for the goose; if she could go get pussy, then as a bisexual myself, I could get dick and, yes, even pussy when I could.
And it worked for over 25 years, well, until we fell apart and divorced. I never demanded threesomes and, I think, because I didn’t, I’d often get invited to join her and whatever lady she was with.
I learned to be a different husband with this… but most guys never learn and that’s a bad thing because too many women aren’t going to want to suffer with their feelings and desires and do it anyway and to hell with the consequences: It’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.
You do what you gotta do and the best thing for you to do but do me a favor? Stay out of the wine bottle – it’s not gonna help you and will only serve to do you more harm than good.
So I am a 23 year old bisexual married woman who has the most amazing husband. We’ve been together off and on all through high school and next year is our 5 year wedding anniversary. We also have 2 kids together. We’ve always been a little different compared to other couples. My husband is a very sexual person. Not only that, but he also lets me do whatever I want. He is completely faithful to me (though he is also bisexual) but he always tells me that if I wanted a girlfriend he wouldn’t mind at all. He’d give us space, if I wanted a polyamorous relationship that’s fine, and he just wants me to be happy. Well, I met this woman at my work and she is just beautiful! We started becoming friends and now I can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve only dated a couple of women before and they always end in disaster. I don’t want to ruin this friendship but I really want to have something more with her. Any advice or tips?
If I were to advise anything, it would be to gently explore whether or not she’d be interested in being more than friends… and it’s up to you to figure out how to best do this and the only “standard” is to be open and honest about everything when talking – and trying to talk – to her about what’s on your mind and finding out where her thoughts and feelings are. Sometimes it’s about picking “the right moment” to approach her and say something like, “There’s something I really need to talk to you about…” and then making sure you can talk to her – if she agrees – in a setting where it’s private and comfortable for both of you. Then say what’s on your mind and in your heart; tell it all, leave nothing out while making it clear to her that you understand that she may not be interested in such a thing… but it was important that she knows how you feel – and then make it clear that she doesn’t have to rush to make a decision… but don’t get bummed out if she turns you down and be very aware that this kind of conversation can be a friendship-killer.
But it remains true that if you don’t ask, you won’t ever know – you just gotta find the right way at the right time to find out if this would be something she’d be interested in. Depending on how well the two of you get together at this moment, maybe a series of… little dates like having lunch together would be in order? Figuring out how to ease into more… personal areas can be daunting and, again, depending on the tone of the current friendship, taking it slowly would be in order to find out what she’s comfortable talking about and what isn’t so comfortable. I’d say, based on what I’ve learned, is that you should be prepared for the long haul and be patient. Don’t push things or go “overboard” with your interest in her. You just gotta feel her out and as you do so, it’ll help if you have a “plan” in mind in case she indicates that this would be something she’d be interested in. If you move forward with this, I’d love to know how it turned out for you and your hubby gets big time props from me for being a cool dude.
Before I forget, don’t assume that she’s picking up on your vibe… but don’t assume that she’s not aware of it, either. Women are… different in this. Some can catch on to the vibe and now they’re just sitting back and waiting to see if what they’ve picked up on is right or not… or they can be oblivious to your vibe and getting into the subject could surprise them in either a good or not so good way. There’s just no sure, tried and true way to go about this that I know of; some are of a mind that being direct works best, some feel that being discrete and subtle is the best approach. It’s about building on the existing friendship but understanding that some people have limits about how far a friendship can and should go… and this is one of the things you must find out, too. It’s gonna take some work and it’s not going to be easy but if you think she’s worth it, then do what you gotta do and I wish you all the success in the world!
I gotta add this and keep in mind that guys are even more different that women are about such things. A guy I knew asked me what was the best way for him to let another guy know that he was interested in him and being more than friends. The conversation was a seriously involved one with me asking more questions than I was able to answer. Did he know the guy well enough to be direct? Would being subtle work? After a couple of days of going back and forth with him about what he should do/say, how he should do it/say it, and other such things, it was mentally exhausting for us both and I finally said, “Sometimes, the best way is to just say it – and hope for the best.”
Then he blew me away when he said, “I’m in love with you and I want you so bad it hurts!” I was floored – and then I kicked my own ass because it wasn’t until he said that when I realized that a lot of things he’d been doing and saying was him trying to let me know what he just told me – and I missed every bit of it. It worked out well for the both of us but his greatest fears were being rejected and trashing our friendship and beyond repair. For him – and as it will be for you – it’s not knowing how someone is going to react to this that can make you lose some sleep – and sometimes, literally so. But he stuck with it and even got bold enough to ask me how to…. well, let me know of his intentions and not in that silly “I’m asking for a friend” way that some people try to pull off. It was a bit of misdirection and it worked on me because he had me thinking of any other guy he could have been talking about… other than myself. Now, that approach may not work for you… or it might – you just can’t know either way and more so when some people have one set of thoughts and opinions about this and those thoughts and feelings might match their personal feelings… or not even close. People are funny about anything that looks gay so, publicly, they might say one thing but privately? Something different… or it might be the exact same thing.
I’ll say this – and not as if you don’t now have a lot of stuff to think about. Things can come to a point where subtlety and discretion just ain’t working and the direct approach is the only thing that’s gonna work and now you’ve no other choice than to be open, honest, and direct with what you say – then hope for the best. Rejection is common and trashing the friendship is a very real risk and the question you must ask yourself – and answer with great surety and certainty is: Is she worth it to you? I hope that she is…
I second this entire post. Well said.
Same boat!! Mine do come and go, though. I have had a couple of experiences with friends and then it’s as if we got it out of our system and continued on. I’ve often wondered how some days I can be all about it (same with her) but other days we are very normal platonic friends. I will say that the urge is always there somewhere, it just shows itself more some days versus others.
You are not alone in your feelings. I have struggled with this side of myself for years. Unfortunately my husband would never be okay with me exploring or having an occasional encounter despite knowing my past of being with females. Like another individual posted, the feelings come and go but hey never go away. I’m glad to have found this blog.
Hey 2SheShe! Hope you’re well❤️
Just wondering how long you’ve been with the hubbs and how he interprets your needs? I.e does he accept as just part & parcel of your orientation or does he feel likes its more deeply rooted in a dissatisfaction with your relationship/marriage? I feel like my hubbs is taking it SUPER personal (almost like it’s an insult to our marriage to have these intense feelings/desires🤔🙄) …like yes I’m depressed af but its…so much more to do with having to repress this side of me (which I’ve never fully explored of my own free will/desires since I’ve been in one LTR after another since 20yo) than it is with general dissatisfaction in our marriage. I feel like he makes me feel that my sexual orientation is a personal insult to him and that I cannot understand or accept.
2SheShe, KDaddy- Am I crazy, or is he making this all about him??
Most guys – and even gals – make this about them; what about my feelings? Does this mean you don’t love or want me? Not good enough for you? Many partners feel it’s a very personal insult to them and, of course, when you’re married or otherwise hooked up, you cannot ever want anyone other than the person you’re with. It’s the reason why having discussions about this is so difficult; you need something that your partner can’t give you – and because they’re just not equipped to do it. You need it because without it, you’re just miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled and logic suggests that if your partner really gave a shit about that which you need, they’d allow you to get it – and they should unless they like living with a seriously miserable person who is, perhaps unintentionally – and sometimes with purpose – going to make them just as miserable.
People don’t look at this logically; this reaction by the straight partner sounds like logic but it’s really an emotional response… and logic rarely wins against emotion or as I’ve said, people say, “Yeah, but…;” they acknowledge that what you said “makes sense,” but – now here comes the list of objections. People are… stupid. Do you know how to keep your wife from cheating on you with another woman? Give her permission to engage with other women. Most men think they’re losing something in this but what they don’t realize is how much they stand to gain. A woman able to scratch her itch with another woman is more likely to be more sexually perked up and, as a man, um, I wouldn’t object to a wife/girlfriend who’s going to be very intimate with me because being able to get with a woman has reawakened her sexual desire for me.
So nope – you’re not crazy, Perradeohio.
Black, pansexual 27 year old woman here, and I hate to say it but those feelings don’t really ever go away. They don’t for me anyway. Can you talk to your man about exploring on your own?
Well my wife is bisexual and I’ve always supported her lifestyle 100%. I’ve always told her that if you find a girlfriend who you connect with don’t hesitate to act on her feelings. …..
Excellent! Most excellent!
I myself am a bisexual woman who has a supportive husband like yourself and he is my best friend. He has been an important part of my lasting relationships with women who have been important roles in my life. Regardless it’s wonderful to know there are men who support and encourage women who know who they are and what they need in life.
Cheers
Well my wife was bisexual long before I married her…. I always tell her be herself 110% all the time…. I fell in love with her not her sexual preference!….
You’re not doomed hon. There are women out there looking for discreet encounters who would happily give you the experience you’re looking for (raises hand :). I’ve had the exact problem, finding someone willing to just keep a man out of it and enjoy the incredible feeling of two women together without “can we bring him in some day?” No….we can’t. I just want you, where are my SAHMs needing each other at?
Hi hello all!
Been reading this blog for months but am a first-time poster.
(Married 34yo feminist black woman married to a very traditional 40 yo white man)
So…been struggling with this overwhelming desire to hook up with a woman…its been almost 10 months and I haven’t acted on it because hubbs (Together 7, married 4, 1 amazingly awesome 2yo kid) has basically nixed the idea of me being intimate with a woman unless he can at least be present (we’ve had a threesome [and he’s pushed for more]..it was his ex and for her it was a hate-fuck thing, so though she was hot af, she wouldn’t let me touch her during any of the 3 encounters—>BUMMER)
…I do NOT want him present at all seeing as (A) I’ve repressed these needs since I can remember, (B) just really crave alone time with a woman and (c)I think he’d feel owed some attention (eyeroll).
I think I may also be craving the intimacy I should ideally have with hubbs…and looking to a woman to fulfill that since women are generally more emotionally available (as horribly stereotypical as that sounds)… Hubbs hasn’t been exactly understanding, even though I’ve reassured him repeatedly, that my desire for women has NOTHING to do with him and what he is/isn’t providing. He seems to refuse to believe that (cue eyeroll again).
I just kinda want to know- will this overwhelming desire eventually die down (again going on 10 months and I just wanna touch every semi-attractive woman I see out and about (😫😫😫 its so fucking frustrating)??? Please tell me I am not gonna have to live forever in a perpetual state of lust for every decent looking woman I see?
And god help me if I find out she hasA brain too😍😍😍😫😫😫😭😭😭
I’ve been a SAHM for the past 2/3 years and will going back to work soon…and Im SO afraid I’m going to encounter someone there who is gonna seriously tempt me to lose my will to maintain this monogamish marriage (threesomes are okay as long as he is involved….EYEROLL EYEROLL EYEROLL)…
Please god, somebody tell me Im not doomed to feel these incredibly intense feelings/desires for a woman forever…please someone tell me the intensity of said feelings at least goes away…eventually????
I just happened across this site. I wondered if it was even active and then I see that you had just posted.
So, I’m just reaching out and I wanted to tell you that you seem like a beautiful person, inside and out. We’re probably nowhere near each other. But, it’s good to know that you are out there.
I have been married for 10 years and I have always been bicurious since I was 15 years old Since being married I’ve always had that feeling at the back of my mind and in my heart that something wasn’t quite right regards to my sexuality then 4 Years ago I set my husband down and we had a long chat and I confided in him that I’m bisexual and have wanted to date women ever since I have tried countless ways to find somebody to date including dating sites and even going to the local gay scene in Blackpool but again I have failed I have very very strong feelings talk towards women but I do not know what else I can do and I said my husband has been very supportive of my decision our marriage has now become one of non-sexual nature I love my husband very much for supporting me with this has anyone else struggled
As a “fellow” bisexual, I know one of the hardest things to accomplish is to have your partner be on board with you being bisexual; it takes a whole lot pressure off your mind over worrying about how they’d react to discover your “secret.” Sometimes doing something about being bisexual isn’t as easy as it might sound; it can be disappointing but it does help when you have a partner you can talk to about this and they’ve got your back.
It’s just not an easy thing for a bisexual, male or female, to do so your husband gets big props for me for having your back!
Hey everyone!
I’m in a a different situation that I haven’t been able to find advice on, like anywhere. I’m hoping this supportive and nonjudgmental community can help. So here it goes…
I am bisexual and husband is not. This has not been a problem (maybe initially, but after processing it on our own and together, we have been A ok). However, my husband is kinky. Again, not an issue… I share in some of his kinks and the ones I don’t share in with, I at least acknowledge that they are out of his control and he’s just wired to like it.
The issue we’re having is that one of his kinks is hot wife. For those of you that don’t know… being into hot wife kink means he wants to see me get pleasured from other people. At first, I just totally didn’t understand (I still don’t fully), because if I saw him with someone else, I would be devastated. I also have always thought of him as my protector (not in an anti-feminist way, but as in caring way), so the thought of him allowing someone else to touch me and wanting someone else to be with me intimately is just hard for me to understand.
That all being said, after discussing and seeking out advice from a sex therapist (we are still seeing her), we decided that me exploring my bisexuality and sharing the details with him, could be a great happy medium. So far it has, and I have been able to go on a date with woman, then come home and tell him all about it. We were both satisfied and it brought us closer.
The problem is that from everything I am reading… the kink and desire for him to see me or at least hear about me being with a guy is not going to just go away. This is a hard no for me. I have no desire to with another man intimately. So I’m just trying to seek advice if anyone has gone through anything remotely like this. Is there a way he can lessen his urge? I truly don’t think I can ever get on board with this. I of course want to plead my husband, but it may be crossing a line for me. After telling him this, he of course says he doesn’t want me to do anything that I don’t want and he will just have to get over it. But again, everything I read says kinks do not go away.
If anyone could shed some advice, I’d greatly appreciate it.
-The Not So Hot Wife
For some guys, the thought of having a “hot wife” is so enticing and, I think, runs a close second to being able to watch his wife throw it down with other women all up close and personal and, nope, the fantasy – in and of itself – never goes away. The next exciting thing for some guys is having a bisexual wife and there are tons of fantasies connected with this one and fantasies that many bisexual women are not of a mind to participate in.
The “solution” is to let him know that you’re just not feeling this hot wife thing and why you aren’t. The problem is: Will he understand this and stop insisting on you doing something that you’re clearly not comfortable with? Hard to say. Yep, if allowed to explore your bisexuality and sharing it with him, that sometimes suffices but, at the same time, it can also keep such fantasies alive and well.
If he understands your position in this and isn’t gonna push you to do anything you don’t want to do, this a good thing… but the thing you cannot ever hope to control or do anything about is whatever is still running around in his head and I’d guess that the bad part for you is that you know it’s still running around in there. You can ask him to stop thinking about it… and that’s about all you can do and, again, you can’t do anything about that anymore than he can do anything about what you’re thinking about as a bisexual woman.
As long as he’s not pressuring you to do stuff you can’t do, all you can really do is to remind him, when you have to, not to pressure you like that.
You might be wondering why he has this fantasy in his head and as a guy, yeah, there’s something about seeing or knowing about your wife being with other men but I can’t really begin to explain it. It’s erotic while being able to invoke fears of loss and can mess with a man’s levels of insecurity in both good and bad ways. What I know – and because I have experienced it – is that thinking about someone else doing your wife and either watching it/hearing about it always sounds good on paper… until it gets real; most guys learn really fast that they really can’t handle knowing their wife got done by another guy and more so if she had a good time.
I’d tell your husband to be careful what he asks for. I’ve seen and know of women who have “caved in” and said, “Okay, let’s try this but I’m not gonna like it one bit…” and then she finds that, hey, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was! – but homey goes from having his dreams come true to finding out that he’s now living a nightmare to end all nightmares.
I mean,really: There’s a reason why it’s bad form to talk about the other people you’ve had sex with in your past; some guys can’t really deal with knowing that someone had you before he did and women just do not ever want to hear about her man’s time boning other women before her.
But, yeah… for some people, this is strangely exciting as is the thought of sharing your partner with others and I know for a fact how exciting it can be. But I also know a little something about women and their thoughts about sex and while some women do, in fact, think that this might be a fun thing to do, good luck trying to encourage her to go for it; women are just funny about having sex, aren’t they?
Finally, unless he keeps throwing this out there, don’t worry about it. And if he does, keep reminding him that you’re just not feeling this at all.
So finding this thread gave me alot of relief that im not the only one. My fiance and i have been together for 3 yrs and from the very begging i let him know i was bi and we talked about 3somes but i really just want one on one time with another woman i dont have much expierience but i know its something id really like. My fiance has said that im not allowed to have a girlfriend ive offered to let him watch but he wont have it. I really do love him but i just want that intimacy with a woman. I dont want to go behind his back but i feel like im missing out on another part of me.
Contrary to popular belief, not all men are interesting in a threesome – some of us are just not of a mind to share what we have. In this situation, a lot of women wind up feeling like you do – you’re missing something that’s very important to you – and going off on your own isn’t an ideal situation.
What’s a girl to do? There are two “obvious” things. One, you can try to change his mind but you’d have to present a very compelling argument as to why being able to experience this will make you a better person and partner while convincing him that if he allows this, it’s not going to impact the relationship, your feelings for him, and your desire to have sex with him. I’d say that if you can’t present him with a logical – not emotional – argument (not in the bad way), chances are you’re not going to change his mind.
Or, the other thing and the thing a lot of women in your position and situation winds up doing is to abide by his decision and just do your best to put this out of your mind… and I know how impossible this is and how many other problems can come up from trying to suppress this side of you.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I will say this: It’s not “wrong” for a guy to be fervently monogamous but what a lot of guys tend to find out is that by being so stubborn about his thoughts and beliefs in this, the only thing they really manage to do is to find themselves living with a seriously miserable woman… and one who just might decide that if he’s not going to help her with this, it’s time to take matters into her own hands.
Many decades ago, my first wife wanted a girlfriend and I wasn’t trying to hear any of that. She’d given me an ultimatum of sorts in that she made it clear that she was going to get one whether she had my blessing or not and I had a choice to make and not a whole lot of time to think about it: Which was the “lesser of two evils?” To know what she would be doing… or not knowing? Next: Did I really love her like I said I did? When I promised and vowed to have her back no matter what happened and that I’d do all that was humanly possible to make and keep her happy, did I really mean what I said?
So I gave her my blessing because not giving it, basically, made me a lying sack of shit (pardon the expression) and would say to her that all that stuff I said about loving her and doing anything for her was a bald faced lie. Yes, she had to convince me that this wasn’t going to be a mistake, that it would make her a better person and wife, and that our intimacy was not only going to change but would be better for it.
Not all guys are willing to make such a decision; it goes against what they believe in and also triggers their fear of loss and they think they’re doing the right thing by not giving permission and, I think, without realizing that by doing so, they might be staying true to their beliefs and feeling secure… but they’re also – and like I said – are setting themselves up to be with a very miserable woman and one who will wind up making his life miserable and in a great many ways.
It’s a tough choice to make: Do you “petition” him for what you want and need… or do you leave it alone and try to deal with your thoughts and feelings about not being able to have what you want and need?
Hi,
I’m 35 married to my husband for 7 years, together for 10, and am bi. When I told my husband, when we first started dating, he said he saw it as cheating and we dropped it. Howver, for me at least, being no isn’t just about sex with another woman, its also an intimacy connection, on many other levels. So a few years ago i got the courage to tell my husband about my desires. And this is how it went: “that’s cool as long as I can watch.”, “I at least have to be in the next room, same house.”, “I want to participate” “I want to pick, or have say, in the other woman”. So basically I just said i was kidding and dropped it. This went from expressing who I am and what I need to being a fantasy exploration for him. I don’t want any other man, he is my one true love, but I do long for a relationship with a woman, it is part of who i am. Sorry, I’m venting.
Angie
Thank you for sharing! I feel the same!
Hi Angie. Your story sounds just like mine; difference is I’ve been married for 10 years. Told him my woman fantasies in 2014, told him I have a thing for gals and he suggested I put together a 3 sum, he wants to partake all the way. He totally misunderstood, I ended up stopping to explain. I then secretly dated a woman en my marriage was the happiest. Then guilt kicked in and at that time I was not daring any woman. I felt like I wanted his support and for him to love me with my bisexuality…that part mattered to me. I broke the news again…I told him this is who I am; I love him, will never love another man like I love him. All I wanted was his understanding and a conversation around my bisexuality. He freaked out, said I would leave him for a woman. It became about him and his ego…he then said we can have a 3 sum…but ol we will do there is the kissing scene for him…I said I was kidding. I’m totally straight…I’m trying to forget about woman…I’m failing dissimally…managing 2 relationships is hard work, how do I ignore one part though. I love him leaving him is not an option…hopefully you will get comfort knowing u not alone Angie
I completely understand. I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him, but it’s very difficult to have to choose half of yourself before choosing your life partner and then live with that decision sometimes feeling happy and satisfied, sometimes feeling torn, and after being vulnerable, being made to feel sexualized and delegitimized like some form of entertainment for your husband. Add to that potentially feeling guilty about your confusing feelings and sometimes angry that you have to choose at all. Idk if that’s how you feel and I don’t mean to assume anything, I’m just venting and struggling too. I know I don’t even know you but I’m sending you virtual hugs ❤️
I want you to know that I understand. I have been with my husband for 16 years, 11 of which we have been married. He has said those exact same things to me as well. He also went so far as to say that I cannot even be friends with someone unless he is friends with them too. He is the only man I want to be with but I am also longing for the intimacy of a woman: physically and mentally. He says that he understands but then turns around and picks fights and throws it in my face. It feels like I have to choose between being straight or being who I am. Being bi isnt something I chose. It is part of who I am. He has known this from the beginning. It is making me depressed more often than I would like.
Angie I feel the same way my husband when he was my boyfriend knew I had a preference for women also thought it was a “phase” n in our marriage now makes jokes like ” as long as I’m involved in the threesome.” But I feel you on the subject because sometimes I feel I should’ve explored more when I was single cuz I still feel women more sexually even though I love my husband 100%
Angie,
It’s been a while since I’ve checked this site but it is one of familiarity and understanding. I’m Barbara. I’ve been married longer than most of the users are old. You experienced EXACTLY the circumstances I and two of my friends received from our husbands. What we want blurs the lines of being married and “exclusive.” I was angry, frustrated and wanted to get all emotional over it, especially when my husband said, “No way unless I’m there.” Then he added, “I’m fucking forbidding it so get over it and let it go!” So what do we do, right? I responded by going “underground” and that made things worse when he found out from the husband of one of our neighbors who shot his mouth off and thought my husband who spent 34 years in law enforcement was not as smart as he was. I screwed myself by thinking my neighbor and I could hook up occasionally on the “down low” I guess you’d call it. After she and I played for several months she asked me if I would be OK doing “sort of a 3-way” with her and her husband. He would only touch her and I’d still be her focus. If any other readers are females, you try and tell me that can work out. It didn’t!
I was very nervous so she and I kissed and talked and touched each other for about 30 minutes before her husband came in the room. I tried to ignore and pretend he was not there but it was a disaster. I smelled his cologne. He’s nice and slim for being in his late 40s and he was totally manscaped – hairless and fresh from the shower. They began kissing and then “shit” I kissed him too. It went just as anyone would expect. I think there has to be something that goes into the air when men and women are together as opposed to just two women. I fell into both of them focusing on me and I could not believe I was the one asking her if she was OK if I gave him oral sex and finally he was on top of me while she kissed me. It was the most confusing thing at the time but I failed myself, my friend and my husband by responding like a woman. Then I felt like I got a punch in the face when I was kissing her and he got off INSIDE me which made me have an orgasm and also brought me back to reality. Both of them downplayed it as “something humanly natural” and swore it would never be spoken of again. It ruined everything she and I had and her husband being a dumba– just assumed my husband was OK with me and his wife. During the 4th of July block party, her idiot husband thought he was complimenting me by telling my husband how attractive and “active” I was in bed and he appreciated my husband “being so totally understanding.” Almost everything fell apart from there! My husband took out his anger, hurt and his realization that I was not a bisexual woman who did not need being with women more than being happily married.
My friend’s husband spent months apologizing and my husband easily forgave him but felt more embarrassed because he knew what I looked like naked and knew how I was in bed. It took almost a year of angry explosions, trying to fake it when our kids were around and my husband seemingly overnight having no interest in sex with me. I was paranoid he was getting it as a “revenge affair” somewhere. I cried almost daily and stupidly tried to put an end to the bad feelings with changing from pleading apologies to a somewhat faked, “Time to get over it” response. I was angry with myself and blaming bisexual feelings for everything until my husband told me, “It’s not the “what” that you did that angers me. It’s that I have said I wanted to experience that with you and you told me you didn’t need it because being married was more important.” All the time I was feeling like the neighborhood tramp and what he was angry about was not being able to watch me be with another woman! Almost 18 months later I tested him and said, “If we let you watch would you be OK with me doing a 3-way with Bob and Laurie (not real names).” He said, “No Bob, but she can come over alone if you two want to.” It never happened and 4 years later my life and marriage are back to perfect. Be very careful what you say and do not allow yourself to be drawn by those “feelings’ into anything other than the happiness of your marriage. It was not worth it! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope it helps someone.
Sincerely,
Barbara
Orange County, CA
I am so happy that I found this! I felt alone. I have been with my husband for 25 years and married 20. We have 5 great kids. I just told my family about 3 years ago that I was bi. My husband had a hard time with it at first. Now he jokes or when I want to talk about it, he just blows me off. I love him very much. I don’t want another man. He thinks I just want sex with a woman and thats not the case at all. I want the connection with a woman. Its getting harder to suppress my feelings. Now I am depressed and not sure what to do. Maybe this blog will help!
It’s okay to vent – this is why this place exists. As a man, I can tell you that some of us don’t really understand why women want to “be with” another woman – and a lot of it doesn’t always have anything to do with sex – it’s about that emotional intimacy and an intimacy that,as men, we just totally suck at.
Now, oddly enough, some women will have that conversation with their man – and almost exactly the way you wrote here – and some guys will actually jump on board with it… even if he puts in the condition that he gets to pick the other woman and there’s a couple of reasons for that, believe it or not. Some women will, in order to be able to express themselves in this way, accept the conditions even though some of them might be disagreeable to them.
If you ask me – and you didn’t – you screwed the pooch when you said that you were just kidding and you probably now know that what you should have said was, “Do you really mean that?” and take it from there whether he meant it for real or not. I’m curious: What are the chances that you’d bring this up with him again, even as a part of letting him know what’s going on with you? Will he talk? Dismiss it all?
I’m very happy I found this place. I’ve been needing advice. I’m 21 and I’m recently engaged to a man. But recently I’ve been feeling this depression and this urge to be with a woman. I’ve dated girls before. I only started dating men a year ago. I truly do feel like I’m in love and I don’t want to be with anybody else because the thought of it makes me feel sick. Like I’m a cheater. I definitely would never want him to be with anybody else. And I don’t want to be with anybody else. But I still feel this want for a woman and I don’t know what to do. I find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk about with him too, despite how kind and understanding he is. He’s always known I was bi, but he also had his own insecurities about whether he was enough before we met. I don’t want him to think my problems are because he isn’t enough… we tried talking about it but we were both too uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do or how to handle these feelings, I don’t ever feel the urge to be with other men and it’s not like I want to be with a specific girl. It almost feels like I’m getting rid of a part of myself and desperately trying to hold on…i hate the idea of handling it by going after a woman or having an open relationship…is there any advice you can give me? Thank you..
Hi Q,
It’s been a while since I’ve posted here but didn’t want you to feel forgotten. I do apologize if I haven’t been very good at KIT with you all and if I’ve not yet commented on one of your posts, please understand it is nothing personal but I hope whatever feedback I offer is relatable or helpful to those of you I didn’t get back to. I first want to acknowledge that contemplating all aspects of yourself as you enter into the marital stage of relationship with your partner is very very normal. When we choose one marital partner in a monogamous relationship (I’m assuming this based on your comment above that you are monogamous with your fiancé) we have to grieve all of those losses that come with it. How can you not feel depressed over the loss of having a potential relationship with a woman? I know for me, I choose to concentrate on the connection I have with my spouse and to stay in the present. Then, when the sadness does come up, I give myself the space to grieve the loss and create a space to connect with those parts of myself that are calling out to me of her need to connect and love herself. It’s not a foolproof way to navigate the loss of your female relationships but it’s a way I’ve chosen to cope with the choices I’ve made at this present time in my life. It’s not easy but neither is life. For me, the good outweighs the bad when I’m steadily working on myself and attending to my emotions. For me there are lots of ways to connect to my sexuality including pride events, talking to others who get my experience, fantasy, masturbatjon, having a place to vent, taking time for myself to just journal and converse with all the different parts of myself. I believe we are multifaceted and that my gay side is just as important as my straight side and my wife side and mother side are all just as important as my friend side and sister side etc. ….. when you keep a clear picture of these parts of you, it helps you give less weight to the things that you lack because you can tap into that gratitude and love that is your birthright. For some of us, we have tried all of these things and realize it is not enough, we need more and that includes an “in the flesh relationship” with a woman. I cannot speak to that experience other than the fact that I know people who have had a lot of success in this realm but they also have spent years working on themselves and their relationships with their main partner before even beginning to open the relationship up to another. There are so many options on the table to making happiness work but the most important is to focus on the relationship with yourself and then your relationship with your fiancé.
Hi Mercedes. I posted something almost a month ago in response to this post. Can you message me because I have a question that needs to be resolved. Thank you
Hi. I cannot sleep tonight and was on google and stumbled upon this page. I can relate to many of the comments on here. I have many supportive friends, however I do not feel comfortable talking about this to anyone. I am a bi woman, engaged to a straight man. We have been together for almost three years now. We have a really good relationship and I have never been with someone so supportive and stable. I told him my sexual orientation when we first started dating and he was totally fine with it. He even said I could still have sex with woman if I wanted to, his main rules is that I had to let him know and not sneak around behind his back and I could not have a full on serious emotional relationship with her. I felt like that was fair boundaries to have. However, since being with him, I have had a few opportunities to have a sexual encounter with a girl and when it comes, I am all for it but I cannot go through with it. It comes down to if the tables were turned, I would not be okay with him sleeping with a guy. I only want him to have me (this is the reason I do not do threesomes with people I am in serious relationships with) So I feel like it is a double standard that it is okay for me to have these experiences, but not for him. idk if that makes sense but that is just how I feel. Since getting engaged, I wonder how am I going to deal with these sexual fantasies that I have towards woman and knowing I do not feel right about acting on them, no matter how much I want to. Also another thing I feel like is that a part of my identity is being ripped away. I know my sexual orientation comes down to being with the person, no matter their gender, however what am I supposed to do with the other part of my desires. I am scared to ignore it. Also, since coming out, I have been told by the gay and straight community to just pick a side and it is just a phase. I hate the thought that anyone in my life would think my years of living as a bisexual woman is going to be erased because I am married to a man. When people look at me with my future spouse, they see a standard heterosexual couple and I feel like a fraud. Today I had a meeting with a healthcare professional and we were filling out my paperwork, and they asked questions of my gender identity and sexual orientation and they said you identify as a woman right, I said yes, and what is your orientation and I saw his mouse going over towards the straight button on his computer and I said I am actually bisexual and he said oh… where is that option on here. It just seemed like I threw him because I am a woman marrying a man who happens to be bisexual. Okay I am rambling now. Thanks for anyone who read this, and if anyone has any tips or suggestions on how I can deal with some of the issues I listed, I would greatly appreciate it.
I can relate to many things you said. I’m a bi woman, married to a man (7 years) and have 2 kids. I came out 3 years ago to myself and then to my husband a few months later. When we first started dating he knew I was “bi-curious”, so it didn’t really take him by surprise.
He is ok with me being with a woman, something I’ve never done, but I feel like it would open our family up to problems. What if I got an STD, what if the person got clingy and spiteful and spread info about us around town. Plus, I feel like it is “cheating” even though he says it isn’t because I’m not doing it behind his back. And I’m like you, if he asked to have sex with someone else, I wouldn’t want him to. So I haven’t moved forward with my desire to be with a woman. Sometimes the urge to be with a woman is REALLY strong, and other times not. But I’m also the type of person who likes to have a connection with someone before sleeping with them, so that would probably be more challenging.
I’m afraid I don’t really have any advice for you, but wanted you to know that you aren’t alone.
Hey Liz and Rose, I just read your comments. Thank you for reaching out. I know this is a challenging and scary subject to talk about for a variety of reasons. I think one thing we can ALL relate to on here is that everyone who is attracted to a gender similar to their own while being in relationship with a different gender is going to feel like quelching their desire or that they are unnatural or not being seen. It is essential for us to all feel validated and safe and I strongly believes that requires a strong community to back us and help us feel seen and heard. As LGBT+ folks, we are always coming out and always dealing with the possibility of rejection which can truly rattle some of us to our core especially in a culture that does not openly support our identities or our authentic selves. I find what has helped me is connecting with other Bi folks and friends. Trust me, it’s not easy. I just tried to make friends with a co-worker who I sensed was not straight (I came out to her and she did come out to me) and she has been avoiding me ever since. I’ve even made it a point to let her know it’s ok, she is safe with me, but I cannot force someone to feel a certain way if they are not ready to. It’s hard sometimes when these things happen and all we can do is feel the feelings as they come up and find friends to process it with who get it. It’s too big of a burden to carry on your shoulders alone. Sometimes it just starts with one person who truly takes the time to get you (even if they don’t fully understand your experience) but you know their intentions are good. I’m certainly available to connect with you guys on a therapeutic level (as I am a therapist), so if you would like to arrange telephone therapy or email sessions, I’m here and it will always remain confidential and anonymous).
I am a woman married to a man and am also bisexual. This is just what bisexuality looks like for me. The thing with being bi is that we can legitimately go either way and unfortunately it will look like we are either gay or straight. But don’t let people delegitimize your sexuality. Bisexuality looks different for everyone and that’s ok. It doesn’t change who we are and who we are attracted to:)
Hey Liz
Well I read your comment and as I’ve never replied or answered one of these before I’ve pondered on yours for 5 days now after reading it. I also identify as a married bisexual woman for over 20 years now. I have had 3 long term major relationships (starting at the age of 19) with women with my last one ending 2 1/2 years ago. Now I felt very much the same as you but I have an extremely open form of communication with my husband who is probably my biggest and most supportive person for my bisexuality. I never lie to him I express my feeling and he understands and supports me. Now we are human and our desires or should I say feelings are normal society has put stipulations on how we should act or feel and if you really become in tune with who you are and what you want then then your husband whom again like myself you’ve told from the beginning who you are too will be your support system in your journey of life. Your guilt is your fear for you don’t want to have more(being with a woman and he’s not with another person ) then him but it’s actually not like that. Who you are is ok as it’s ok with him just constantly communicate and let him know what’s going on in your head and life and as the journey continues with open communication you’ll avoid ‘surprises’ or anger as it will always be in the ‘now’ and talked about.
Again I’m not much of a writer on the internet but I hope this helps with perspective on your part. Cheers and good luck.
Hi liz. Im on the other side of your dilemma…. I have been with my wife for 13 yrs and married for 10yrs. About 4 yrs ago she had expressed that she was bi-curious and i told her that i would support her in looking into those feelings and engaging with another female. Nothing ever happened but after some time went by I found she was on a bisexual dating site and had made some contacts. When I asked her about it she said that nothing had happened. I was upset that she never really told me about it and was going to act on it/ was looking to hook up… I thought i would be informed in some kinda way… She deleted the app and left it alone. Fast forward to now… She spoke on it again a couple days ago and again I support her with the understanding she keeps me informed and not sneaking around about it. So its offical shes is all in making friends and i can imagine its only a matter of of time before something goes down. I guess im struggling with this part…. It kinda is a double standard for her to get hot and heavy and be able to mingle. I remind myself that this is not about me but about her exploring her sexuality and may even up being a new thing for our relationship if she chooses to “bring her home” which i think im down for . but the feeling of being unsure if it will even go well since she is very territorial. Im beginning to think im am just going to be left out on the fun. How do I support her with out feeling left out? I totally expect her to do this on her own from the beginning but unsure of what to expect….. Any thoughts?
I am a single female, involved with a married woman. She is bisexual, and her husband is aware of her sexuality and our involvement. I am not the first woman she has been romantically involved with. She acts and expresses that she really likes me, and has even used the word love. We talk daily,see each other weekly. I know she loves her husband and children. I would never want nor ask her to leave her family for me. I just wonder if she can really love me. Can I be significant in her life? Do these types of relationships work? I really like her and enjoy spending time with her. She is the type of person I’ve dreamt about and prayed for, but at the end of the day, she’s married, and I’m still single. She has expressed being committed to me as her only female partner. Am I settling? Do I deserve more? Can she and I have something real?
Hi
You love the confidence. The ease of the relationship, the absence of drama. That you can be yourself. Have female friends and not worry that she assumes you are cheating on her with everyone of them. You love the openness of her sexuality and how she makes you feel in bed and how natural her responses are. You love the honesty and how she says it like it is, no headaches or misinterpretations. Am I right?
Well then. She said she is exclusive to you? Let me clarify this for you. She means she and her husband are exclusive to you.
Respect that she and her husband are one human being and you will have a long lasting beautiful relationship.
Make waves and cause a headache to that unity and you are out.
She has a rational love for you based on merits. Not the earth shattering soul mate type of love. When she is with you she is with you.
Try to compete with her husband and you are out. Disrespect her husband and you are out.
Be a good friend to her and her family and they will accept you and care for you
Hey girl! You should look up polyamory and see if that’s something you are into. Based on what you described, that’s the dynamic that you and her are getting into. I believe that these types of relationships can definitely work with excellent communication. Nothing less than excellent though. Also, you are going to have to be ok with forming a relationship with her husband and her kids as well. Those people are the most important people in her life. If she shares them with you (eventually because these things take time), I think it shows how much she really cares about you. Good luck!
It’s been a couple years now and I have to say, transitioning from Bi Curious to Bi Sexual was a big turn for me. I’ve been straight my entire life until a couple years ago when a friend was talking to me about my wife and about who she really was. He and his other friend confided in me that they thought she was a lesbian which I brought up to her. My wife and I have shared many days crying in each other’s arms over what we have lived through in our life, but this was a major turning point, not only for her, but for me as well.
After some soul searching, I decided to see what it was like to be with another man. I found that I enjoyed being with another man and wanted more. My wife and I keep no secrets. At this time, we opened our marriage to try newer things. I’m actually talking with another man about things and enjoy the interaction. My hope is for this to continue. It’s kind of different when I think about it being with the same sex, but at the same time, freeing.
I’m a bisexual woman (25) and I have been married for 2 years but with my husband for 5 year and we have a child I love them both so very much. I have told my husband about my attraction to women but have not gone into detail with him about how serious these feelings are. My feelings come in waves, I go weeks without feeling the need to be with a woman but then the urge hits me and it’s crippling , depressing and painful knowing that I can never act on my feelings without hurting my husband. I’ve been with a woman once before, years before meeting my husband. She was my first and last same-sex experience, at the time I was still lying to myself about who I was, and I didn’t give her a real chance. I often wish I would have explored my feelings for women more before meeting my husband. I now feel guilty everytime I have an urge, I feel like just thinking this way is unfair to my husband. I love him and would never wanna leave or cheat on him, I feel stuck I don’t know what to do . Any advice is welcome.
Hi Kate – I truly relate to what you wrote! I’m recently married but have been with my now husband for 6 years. He definitely knows I’m bi but my sexuality was never a big discussion point in our relationship. And I feel the exact same way – I can go on weeks without having any fantasies about women but then this incredible urge in the pit of my stomach just hits me and it’s crippling for me too,especially because I feel like there’s nothing I could do about it. It just feels so hopeless and like all I can do is suppress it. I hope that by talking about I could get a bit of comfort… and just like you I wish I could’ve explored my feelings for women more before meeting him but I too was too scared. I totally understand how you’re feeling because I’m honestly in the exact same place as you.
I hope the last 6 months have been kind to you and that you are feeling at least a bit better. If talking helps, post again and let us know how you’re doing.
Hi Liv & Kate,
I’ve just come across this blog whilst trying to understand my feelings.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, we started dating very young – I was only 18. We now have 4 children. I love them all beyond words and my husband is fantastic. But I’ve always been attracted to women and just like you 2 describe the thoughts and urges come in waves but they keep coming more and more. I’ve never been with a woman as we met so young. I wish I had as it would help understand and clarify those feelings. But I don’t want to ever do something that would hurt my husband and children. At least it’s nice to be able to write about it.
Candice
I’m curious if you could do what you want, what would you do?
I am writing in to ask for help in my marriage of 11 years. I am straight man and my wife is bisexual. When we were dating she mentioned that she had experienced feelings toward woman but never acted on them but at the time neither of us identified her feelings as bisexual. Over the last 8 years things have been really good I feel like we were both happy obviously no marriage is perfect but In general we were good. In the last few years things took a turn for the worse and she said she couldn’t be with me anymore but still loved me. She was open to marriage counseling so the last two years we went through that process but it has stalled. As of a few weeks ago we finalized our decision to divorce, we still want to remain friends and work together parenting our kids. Even though divorce isn’t what I want I realize it isn’t completely my choice. We had a long discussion the other day and she is her feeling lost and is depressed she doesn’t know what to do. She has feelings and urges for woman and I found out that she has been hanging out with a lesbian couple. Given our pending divorce this isn’t really my concern but last night we had a discussion that she feels like all her decisions are wrong and given her marriage counseling is stalled she is open to seeing another counselor. I found a few that are familiar with depression and bisexuality and have reached out. The reason I am here is I want to be supportive of my wife, I would like to stay married and for both of us to be happy. My belief is a marriage needs monogamy and in our talks she seems to agree and said she doesn’t think she could date a woman or fool around with someone else and feel okay with it while with me.
On to my question, given our feelings for each other and I definitely want to be with her and she keeps going back and forth what she wants to do. If we do stay together do you have recommendations how I can be supportive and are there any recommendations on outlets for her feelings that still respect a monogamous relationship? I am at my wits end with the indecisiveness and the back and forth of staying or going. It was only in the last night that she opened up to me and offered me some hope. I feel like there must be some outlets available that could be explored that respects the commitment of our marriage. If you have any thoughts or advice how we maintain our marriage while respecting who she is. Thank you
I recommend the reading the book Sex at Dawn. It may help you understand that monogamy isn’t the end all be all for a happy, healthy relationship. Good luck to you.
I know its hard. I’m a bisexual engaged to a women but urge for men. Its a hard life…she is emotionally attracted to women. She’s hanging out now and enjoying time w the lesbians because she never did so before. Its new…she knows that she may not be able to be fully committed or even fully satisfied. Its not you…its her. But is it worth keeping the marriage? I say allow her to find her now…it may be the best thing that happens to you both.
Joseph, I’m wondering if you should allow her to explore a sexual experience with a woman. If you know, if it’s not behind your back, if you give your consent, it’s not cheating.
Perhaps, then she’ll be able to adequately make a decision one way or the other. IMO she doesn’t know what she’s missing, which is why she’s being so wishy-washy. Just a thought.
Hi Joseph. I’ve never commented on anything like this before, but your message of what you and your wife have been going through sounds familiar. Eerily so. My husband and I were married for a wonderful happy year before I realized that I am bisexual. It took awhile for me to accept it about myself and even now it’s difficult sometimes because it has brought me so much heartache. I don’t know how to express my bisexuality within a monogamous marriage. After struggling with this for the past couple years, including counseling, we’ve decided to divorce. Neither of us is happy about it, but we’re so strung out over trying to make things work I don’t see another way. Like you, I came here looking to see if I could find any help for my situation. Have you and your wife found a solution? Thanks for reading. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Joseph,
I am writing today and I hope that your marriage is still going strong. I’m a bi woman married to a straight man for over three years. From the very beginning I told him I was bisexual. What makes our marriage work is that he gives me the space to be myself and he defends my honor. I am wondering if it’s the monogamy that’s making your wife feel depressed as she’d probably want to be open about her sexuality with you and to also explore that side of herself. My husband being in my corner allowed us to set the proper boundaries to keep our marriage going while I have the chance to grow as a person. I had experiences with women before him but not in a committed relationship. I recently was in a relationship with another married bi woman whose husband was also supportive. Both of our husbands allowed us to be with each other without their involvement but were open to other options as well. Although we are no longer together (me and her), it was a life changing moment because I became more comfortable with my bi / queer identity. Bi women often come out twice as I have read and as I can relate to my own personal experiences. The first is the announcement to test the waters and the second time is the reaffirmation. Many years were in between both in my case. My husband’s trust is something so invaluable to me that I ensure that I respect the boundaries set in place as he has given me piece of mind in knowing that he loves me unconditionally. I’m not aiming to change your values. I am simply offering a perspective that may be helpful for keeping your marriage going and growing. It sounds like she wants to be with you but she doesn’t want to not be who she truly is. Best wishes.
Just realized someone else on here has the same name but this is my first post so I’m changing to TruR!
Joseph – I’m honestly not sure what to tell you because I feel like I am in the same place your wife is in. I am a married, bi woman who had a relationship with a girl, we were teenagers, years ago, but nothing since. The sexual and emotional desire that happens is hard to deal with and to cope with. One the one hand, I assume, she loves you and wants to be with you and be your wife. You fulfill her, just enough, but not enough. You aren’t a woman and you cannot fulfill that need, desire, want because of attraction. I am attracted to women and in a monogamous, non-open relationship and I don’t see how there can be an inlet. The one option I’ve seen come to light is the aspect of an open/fluid relationship. This could mean bringing a friend over for dinner, and seeing if it goes into the bedroom. But, trust has to play a huge role into this and everyone has to be totally okay with it! If you’re not comfortable, then it’s not an option and you can’t pretend that it’s an option. Like I said, it’s not a great situation and I don’t have many solutions because well, I’m stuck just as you, minus the threat of divorce. But, it could end up that way in the future if I can’t find something to fix this myself. Sigh.
I’m sorry that this doesn’t help. But the fact that you are talking is great, and there is hope. But it requires a bit of change in thought patterns and life styles.
Well I guess I’m just a differnt type of man on this site
… I encourage my wife to go after her bisexual feelings towards a woman…. I want no part of a threesom what so ever… I want her to 2nd guess her sexuality…..
Joseph,
This response is likely too late to be of any use, since it’s about 8 months after your post, but I just wanted to second some of the responses you’ve received. It sounds like the monogamous status of your marriage is the primary cause of your issues. Yes, the standard societal expectation of marriage is monogamy; however, that doesn’t work for everyone.
My wife and I are both bi and we are a consensually, non-monogamous, married couple. We’re completely open and honest with each other. We have no secrets and we feel that this arrangement has made our relationship incredibly stronger than our previous relationships. This is our second marriage for both of us, and our first marriages each ended because she and I were both involved with someone else. (She had been having multiple physical affairs for half of her first marriage, and I experienced an emotional affair for the final 2 years of my marriage.)
When your significant other knows about your interest and involvement with others and he or she understands and approves of it, it’s not cheating.
I hope you’ve been able to work things out!
I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place but I guess I need to start somewhere. I’m married, bi, closeted, and looking for people to talk to. I want to come out to my wife but I don’t know how or when to do it. I’m more concerned with her feelings than anything else. I don’t want her to feel insecure. I don’t want to open our marriage.
If you have any insight that might help I would be greatful.
Hi Ray,
I would definitely find out what your wife’s true feelings are towards bisexuality first, just towards all sexuality in general and see how she responds. I know that most people say they accept it. However, people can respond differently when it directly affects that individual. I would definitely speak to LGBT helplines that will offer advice on how to deal with your situation and support you too. I think it has been really hard for you to keep your true identity hidden and i definitely feel for you.
Im a bi woman who is married to a straight man. However, i told my partner at the start i was bi and if he could not accept me i would understand but we could not be together. However, i hid my sexuality from everyone else and tried to suppress my desires towards women. It didn’t work and i just tortured, tormented and made myself extremely unhappy. If you feel this way too, don’t do it to yourself anymore, you need to be true to yourself but get the right support first and see how your wife feels about sexuality in general. You have hurt yourself enough, you are not alone on this, there are many like us going through the same turmoil. I decided to come out to an acqaintance because i really fancied her, had not felt that way about a woman in a very long time and it was driving me crazy. I cried, because i have still tried to reject who i am. Me telling her was for my benefit to finally come to terms with me. I know my family will not accept me but i can no longer hide, it is your life, your heart and who you are. People who really love you will accept you, even if they don’t like it, they should still love Ray for Ray. You have to be prepared for rejection and that’s why you need to get support asap. I hope your wife accepts you, if she doesn’t speak to the helplines. Don’t do this on your own, if you get down, remember it may seem like hell at the moment but it won’t always be like that. Accepting you are a bisexual man is a difficult process, packed with emotional highs and lows. All this is perfectly normal in coming to accept who you really are. All the methods if denial just rip you up on the inside, it’s tiring, pointless and you end up back at square one which is I’m attracted to men as well as women – I’m bisexual. For those that reject you, it is their loss because they will be losing Ray and for those that do, they will love all of Ray. I wish you all the best, if you reply to this, i will give you my email and we can talk further. Remember, you are not on your own, there are people out there that care and want you to be okay, loved and supported xx
Hi Ray,
I’d like to chime in with a comment that may help. Years ago I dated a man whom I later found out was bi-sexual. He’s currently in a relationship with a woman he has two kids with. At the end of the day, he’s still bi and would love to explore that aspect of himself but so many socio-cultural factors have inhibited him from doing so. He absolutely hates living closeted and his girlfriend still is unaware. He feels that he can be open with me as I’m probably the only one that knows. He, like you, feels very conflicted. I’d say that if you have no intentions of acting on it, is it worth sharing? I understand that you many want to seek a closer bond with her, however. So, I would try to assess her openess to LGBTQ topics. Possibly try to see if she’s open sexually to new experiences. You might be shocked to learn that your true self is her every fantasy. Best wishes!
I am so thankful to have found this site. I have recently moved from identifying as “bicurious” to “bisexual”. My husband knows as well as a few family members and close friends.
I’m struggling with what it means to be bisexual and married to a man whom I love dearly. I’ve never “been” with a woman and have never cheated on my husband. Over the last year my desire to be with a woman has increased dramatically and I’ve been honest with my husband about it. He is ok with me exploring my sexuality and doesn’t view it as cheating since I wouldn’t be doing anything behind his back (and no he wouldn’t be watching). But I’m not sure I am ok with it. I’m nervous about how complicated it could make our life.
I’ve never had a one night stand and am not sure I’d be comfortable with one. I know I am sexually attracted to women and don’t want to deny that side of myself. I’ll admit that moving forward scares me, but I need to be me, and that means taking some risks. I guess I’m just not sure what my next step should be.
I’ve never been to a gay bar; there aren’t any in my small town but I could drive into Portland, OR, which has several. Unfortunately not any lesbian bars. The challenging part for me is that I don’t think most lesbians are interested in being with a married woman so I guess I don’t really know where to go to meet someone who would be open to that. I’m feeling a little stuck to be completely honest.
How have things gone for you?
Thank you for asking. After realizing I was bi there are some days where I feel really low and wish desperately that I wasn’t bi. I want to be happy being only with my husband, but most days that isn’t the case.
With my husband I have a lot of freedom and he is open to me exploring my sexuality with women, but I can’t seem to find the courage to do so…plus I’m not really sure where to look. I kind of keep hoping that the right person will just pop into my life! I definitely fantasize about my bisexual massage therapist, but her husband is the jealous type and I’m not out to destroy someone’s marriage. So it just stays a fantasy in my head.
Even though my husband gives me freedom to explore, he works long days and I’m often left caring for the kids. I had plans to go to an “ambi” meetup event, but my husband didn’t get home in time. My goal is to attend an ambi event, go on a “dyke hike”, or go to a gay bar before the end of the summer. I need to push myself more to explore who I really am…even if it scares me.
Hi, Nicole. I just read this post of yours from last October. I’m new to the blog so I know I’m a bit late. I, too, am married and bi. My husband is aware of my interest in women but sees it as cheating 😦
I was wondering what progress you have made and how your husband is taking it. I want to be open and I do comment on women but I feel so trapped not being able to explore my sexuality. I suppose it doesn’t help that he knows I’m attracted to other men as well.
Were you able to find a women who was ok with you being married?
Thank you for sharing and I applaud your courage when opening up to your husband. I wish you luck in your endeavors.
Thank you for your comment. Im sorry I didn’t see it earlier and I’m sorry you feel trapped. I know how frustrating that can be.
I still feel pretty stuck. We’ve had a lot going on lately in our family, two deaths, a possible move, a new job for me and I’ve been hit with depression…again. I’m doing better now that things have settled.
I set up a free account on the Her app, but haven’t really put much effort into looking for someone. I imagine there are women out there who’d be interested in dating a married bi woman…I’m just not sure where to look.
How are you doing?
Hey lexi
.. I don’t consider it cheating if my wife goes after a female playmate/girl friend…. maybe I’m too understanding????
I’m in a very similar situation…. ❤️ My husband is completely open to me exploring that… idk where to start or how… also privacy is a huge issue…
How are things going for you this summer?
Hi Nicole, i am a husband whos wife is bi. I’ve always said i was cool with it but she recently found a lesbian friend who she is sexual with, but now all her time goes to the friend, we’ve started to have marriage problems to the point of looking at possibly divorce. Neither of us want that what would you recommend to mend the relationship of 8years.
I would say you both need to reflect on what it is you want and need out of your relationship. It sounds like you’re wanting more time with your wife. Hopefully you can have a conversation without either of you being accusatory or overly defensive of your actions.
Hi Nicole,
Online dating is probably your best bet to finding what you’re seeking. I also felt worried / guilty about proceeding with the relationship with my ex-girlfriend but I soon realized (after checking my husband’s stance over and over again) that I was the only person in my way. You have his blessing, so that’s not the issue. Coming to terms with my sexuality allowed me to act with his support. You don’t ever have to justify who you are or why you are the way you are. Live your life and do so unapologetically. Best wishes.
HELLO! Please do write me at ——–[EDITED BY ADMIN]——–
I have the perfect solution! 🙂
A little bit about myself and situation. I’m married and have 4 children. My husband and I have been together 7 years and married for 6 years. I am 30 years old stay at home mom/wife for the past 11 years when my oldest was born.
I am a blunt open person. I have always said it how it was. In a but shell I have always been flirtatious and a all around likeable person.
When I was a sophomore in high school I really started to feel like something was different about myself. Not even understanding what it was I in a sense just dealt with the feelings. One day my best guy friend came out to me that he was gay. Me being who I am I embraced him and him trusting me to come out only to me. A couple years later I decided that I needed to open up to someone about these feelings and desires I had. Spending every waking minute with my best friend I found comfort to be me, I was a bisexual female. So in a sense at 18 I “came out” about who I was. I was rejected by my parents, put on the street and everyone tried to convince me it was just a faze I was going through.
Needless to say I basically pushed my happiness aside to “fit in” not make anyone uncomfortable. It was eating me alive inside. Felt like half of me was dying not being able to be more open. So I finally got courage to let my husband know that the feelings have not just disappeared they simply have been pushed aside to please everybody else.
Telling him was a relief to me but being questioned if this was a faze, or do I need to just go to a therapist, or just needing to get it out of my system? I was so hurt by the response I couldn’t be “intimate” with him. I only feel rejected and it is really crummy. When someone takes a vow and says they will love you no matter what and then rejects you knowing that this was part of you it’s hard.
Things are very awkward some days because my desires to be with a woman haven’t gone away. The feelings I have when with a woman are very different than when with a man (my husband). He doesn’t see any “grey” area. Things are black & white, your either “straight or gay” are his exact words. He has said from. The beginning of our relationship that he would always rather I leave him for a man than a woman. Simply so he could feel he had a fighting chance. He said he would never be able to compete with a woman cause he isn’t one. It’s not a matter of me wanting to be with only a woman. I am satisfied with our relationship. Not accepting my feelings and who I am has made me withdraw from him unfortunately.
So basically I am trying to get any advice or thoughts on what I can or should do. I’m not saying I’m leaving him (divorce). How do I help him accept what has really been there all the time that he probably chose to ignore? How can we be happy? What do I do so this doesn’t destroy me?
Sorry so long…. Don’t really have any one to vent or talk to about this cause no one accepts me for who I am! Any input I welcome.
Mel,
Sounds like he just needs reassurance. Maybe tell him that you’re not leaving him and that you just want him to take this journey with you. Maybe tell him that there is simply no competition as no other person can give him what he has which is unconditional love and acceptance. Best wishes!
Hello,
My name is Eric (straight male) and I have been with my gf for some time now and I love her to death,but I think she may also be attracted to women also based on her actions and comments. I’ve thought about proposing to her,but now I’m just trying to figure out how I could really know if she is bi. Because if she is, I’m going to call it off. No offense,but due to my religion. I will not marry a bisexual woman knowingly. She said that she only wants men,but her comments really make me think otherwise and im scared that if I marry her and find out later on that she likes women, then I’m going to hurt her feelings. because I will file for divorce and leave her..no ifs,ands,buts about it. So I rather know now
if you would dump her based on the fact that she is bi sexual then you are a douche bag and don’t deserve her! If she is hinting to you things then clearly she is closeted and a little scared of rejection if she reveals her true sexual identity. Bi sexual women can be monogamous and she shouldnt be judged based on her sexuality. I married a man who completely accepted the fact that I am pansexual. It never even crossed his mind that he may break it off with me or not marry me. If you can’t accept her for who she is then she deserves better.
Well said ronda!!!!
Hello Eric. I understand your concern about your religious beliefs mixing with the fact that your girlfriend could be bisexual. I grew up in a very Christian home and I understand the beliefs there. However I think that saying you would divorce her if you knew she even just found women attractive is a bit extreme. I would just like to point out that if your girlfriend does find women attractive then it’s not something she can control. People don’t wake up one day and think “Oh hey I’m going to be gay.” Or bisexual. Or anything else. If you love her you’ll accept and love every part of her. Just because she likes women doesn’t mean she will cheat on you or anything else to be with a woman.
You seem like you would be a horrible person to spend the rest of your life with. You should probably do some self reflection prior to popping the question…no ifs, ands, or buts about that.
Really? You would turn your back on a woman you claim to love IF and I mean big IF she turned out to be bi?
Because of your religion?
Honestly break it off now. Why lead her on any farther?
I’m a bisexual woman who is more emotionally attracted to the same-sex, what upsets me is that some bi women only want women for sexual desires. This is why I always think twice when I get into a relationship with another bisexual woman.
Tq Idiosyncratic! You speak my heart out. There are lots of wonderful and meaningful things in bisexuality other than just hvg sex!
You are right dear.. Same here.
I completely agree with this. I’m married and I’ve been looking for a serious relationship with a woman, but the internet is filled with so many women who are rely hung up on sex. It’s really frustrating.
I did the same i fell in love with my gf and brought her to my Husband then she fell in Love with him..I Have Everything.and My Husband is one alucky Man..
good one
A little about myself. I am female, mother of 2, married for 5 years but with my husband for 15 years.
I’ve always know I found women attractive and I valued my nonsexual relationships with women, and for my religious purposes those feelings and desires i felt remained something to ignore. I was with a girl young, 12 or 13 years of age, before even meeting my husband. And it was one of the most wonderful times I can remember, however the second anyone questioned our relationship as anything more than friendship I shut down. Became depressed, repressed all feelings. Soon after I met and fell in love with my husband. It wasn’t a mad passion sort of relatonship but a fulfilling partnership from the begining. Filled my soul in a Completely different way I just assumed the feelings I felt for a girl in the past were no longer valid. A gorgeous women would still catch my eye from now and then but nothing more than appreciating her beauty.
After 4 years of marriage, I developed a close friendship with a female friend. Nothing inappropriate to my marriage. And one day I realized her hugs and every touch lit a flame in me I had not felt in years. I immediately redirected that passion I felt toward my husband and marriage and we’ve have a fantastic year developing deeper connections. (Mind you, we have never had any intimacy issues before, weve always been extremely close) Somewhere along the way my friendship had changed to a long distance relationship which she is still dear to my heart, however my body longs for her touch. A womans touch. I am happy with my husband he makes me happy but I miss hugging a women. Touching her and being touched. And while I was never intimate with my friend, my desires for being with a woman have escalated. I feel as though I am denying myself, reasonably so since I am in a committed monogomous relationship. I’m shutting myself out again, denying my feelings because I can’t act on them. I feel the depression consuming me with my conflicted heart. I’ve talked to my husband and while he cannot support exploring my desires, he says he accepts my sexuality and thinks it can be fun. But I can’t be completely honest with him about the pain that comes along with ignoring my wants because he perceives those wants as a negative reflection on his ability to please me. As well as my being greedy, or selfish for wanti ng both. He views it as the same as him wanting another women. Which I have in the passed I wouldn’t deny him of that, but that’s because I’ve felt what withholding my desires and the pains of pretending they don’t exist feels like. But I don’t see my longings for a women the same as his hypothetical wanting other women, that’s aside the point.
I decided if maybe I “came out” to some of my close friends I would feel under less pressure. While it relieved me for the moment to be honest about who I am, when I have those feelings again I feel frustrated with myself. I resent that I feel the way I do touching women, I am uncomfortable with wanting to have a woman sexually as passionately as I do, I despise myself for every making my husband question his place in my life. I love him and intend to grow old happily with him.
I guess I just want to know does it ever get easier, better than as horrible as it feels right now. When will that null in desires come again? WILL I be able to experience that null again?
Thank you for writing my heart. You’re not alone.
I am so glad to hear that I’m not alone. 11 years with my husband, 6 of those as his wife, and we’ve always been monogamous. Nonetheless, I am drawn to women physically and my husband accepts this. However, my straight friends assume I’m straight and my gay friends assume I’m straight, which leaves me in a bubble. Where do I belong? Who do I talk to? Does it get easier?
I have a few close friends who know, but I hesitate to share with many for fear it will reach my conservative family. I struggle with coming out to my family because I’m 38 already and married to a man, so I question if they’ll believe me. These facts are not changing… Do they need to know my most intimate thoughts? These are what they’ll know should I share with them my sexual fluidity.
Does it get easier? Advice?
I have just begun this journey and your words describe my every thought. It is almost like we are living the same life. I’ve have been trying to find someone who can help me to understand this place in my life…Thank you because now at least I know I’m not alone
This is 100% my life; you are absolutely not alone. I’m sorry I don’t have any advise, for me it has only gotten worse sense I told my husband (married 7 years) and my close friends. If you figure something out, let me know!
Push it out your mind it doesnt matter all it will dver do is cause you a lot of pain and suffering. Not only you but to your husband and family. A lot of hurt people, its really not worth it. Its cheating…
I’m in the exact same situation, word for word would of wrote nearly the same thing. I don’t know what to do. Do my best to be mindful and live In the moment. I meditate and let the feelings pass through me and let them go but the desire always comes back.
My crush is my co-worker, is also bi, also in a long term relationship and my best friend. My husband saw me touch her thigh while out one night, I was drunk and don’t remember and he’s never been more upset at me and I don’t know what to do.
Your Desires for the Touch or Company of a Woman will never go away as you can see… no matter how hard you try to hide those feelings. And why would you want to live your life always wondering…and Honestly missing out on a passion you long for..dont fo that to yourself…😘
I totally hear you. I’m in the same position. I’m married with children but want to be with a woman. My husband knows I identify as bi but not my family. There is s female I am attracted to and we both have flirted a lot . I ‘ve never experienced a woman sexually and want to. This woman I like told me basically that she did not feel ready for my awesomeness…. not really sure what it means, but there is a definite attraction between us. I can’t stop thinking about her but decided to back off. I feel very sad often at the thought of not getting the opportunity to be with s woman and sometimes feel like being married caused this. I love my family and life but know that there is a void. If anyone has advise please feel free to reply. Anyhow Thx for sharing your story.
I did the same i fell in love with my gf and brought her to my Husband then she fell in Love with him..I Have Everything.and My Husband is one alucky Man..
I dint have answers but i have to thank you, I’m EXCATLY where you are. I am a mother of four married 6 years. Together 8, yet, I’m so conflicted! Is it selfish to act or will I always regret it? It’s gonna hurt him so much, is it too much for me to just stay “settled”?
Talk to your husband tell him what and how your feeling about this issue …it is true being completely honest is best..it worked for me…
I have seen so many wonderful stories on here and have commented on a few post I’m sure someone has seen my post under another post but here it is:
I am bisexual and married. It began when my best friend from my senior year of high school and I messed around one night. She was my first and only girl i have been with so you know my urges are through the roof right now😉 but anyways she moved away a few months after graduation for family reasons sk we couldn’t continue anything. We did talk and text all the time about that one night but now that we have our own families to take care of, we dont get to see or talk to eachother as often as we like. I can’t help but think of our relationship from time to time and it turns me on. I have no one to share that with anymore.
A few months after she had left I met my husband, I was 19. About a little over a year we were pregnant. Another 5 years later we were engaged and then after almost 7 years together we were married. He know my sexuality and he doesn’t mind it which is a perk he’s very open with it and encourages me to have a girlfriend and have fun. He says life is too short we have the rest of our lives together we are young so we are allowed to have fun. To an extent of course. I know many men aren’t as understanding as he is. I have no intention on leaving him any time soon. I love my husband with all my heart and if he’s ok with it than i am too.
The only down side to this perk is that it is so dang hard to find women that are understanding in my situation. Some women understand and end up for falling through with plans or just standing me up completely. I am hoping one day I can have my king and a queen!!!
That is tight because i also want that for my wife
So lucky
Alyssa, I completely understand where you are coming from! I am a newly married bisexual woman. I love my husband and am very attracted to him, but I also love women. He wants me to explore my sexuality and we’ve had a threesome before with a friend of his. It was going very well, but she moved away also. Since then, I haven’t been able to find another woman to share experiences with. It’s hard because not many people are accepting of being a married woman to a man, yet wanting other women at the same time. My husband supports my desires and only wants me, but will let me have sex with other women. My ideal situation would be to have my King and Queen at home as well. We’d all live together sharing in taking care of the baby, house duties and I’d have my King and Queen to have fun with.
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I too long for a king and queen even though married happily with my children. Something about a women’s touch I can’t get over.
I am in your exact situation. I finally after many years of keeping my desires to myself, acted on them…with my husband’s permission and it was a mess. The girl knew my situation and still got very attached very quicklly, fell in love with me and got too demanding and jealous of my time with my husband and family. I just wated a girlfriend to hangout with and occasionally be intimit if it came naturally. I guess my wants aren’t possible of being a reality.
I am in a similar situation and I can’t find the right answers either. I am learning a lot from these post. Very enlightening.
I have been with my fiancee for three years. We are getting married. I was married twice before and she is nearly half my age.
See I have multiple issues. She talks to me about her desires to be with women but it is not a fantasy she really wants to experience it. She has done it twice once before me with a friend and didn’t like it. She did it once with me with another friend in which I told her to try because we both know her friend is openly bi.
The problem is when she did it she was drunk and she lied to me about doing it. My thing is be open. And let me know. Again not trying to be controlling but I have been cheated on. When you are in a relationship cheating is cheating.
I forgave her for it and she let it rest for months. But now she is determined to do it. She feels that it would make her be better in the bedroom with me if she can explore her sexuality with a woman. Or two.
I don’t understand that so maybe one of you can explain it to me. I am open to her being with women but it scares me as I know that bi women and lesbians hide alot of secrets. If this is to happen it has to be alot of trust.
Also I know if someone wants something bad enough they will do it wether you agree or not. Also she insist that she would do abthreesome and actually looks for women for her and for us.
But if it’s just her then she’s good.
I need to know how do I handle this. I feel that it’s hard for me to deal a bit knowing that women relationships are based on emotions. Men cannot do all that women can except the touch and emotions to go with it.
I’m not afraid of losing her to a woman but I am afraid that eventually I will get tired of it or catch something.
Also why do women think it’s OK for women to date women outside of the relationship and it’s OK but men date women outside and it’s cheating.
Just a man asking for advice. I feel that this eventually tear us apart.
You are living my wife’s life! You aren’t my wife are you? Haha
Omg…sounds like me and my husband..I am So in Love with him he gave me everything i have asked for Even my Girl Love that now lives with us…he always knew i was bi…and he knew its was part of me and understood my Need for the intimacy of a female touch…He Loves me so much and gave me Permission to fined a Girl friend which i already knew who she was…My Husband told me he rather know than catch me in An Afair or Cheating ..and also told me he was playing with Fire and can Lose me to my New Girlfriend but yet he would walk away from us sould i want that…Like i would Ever let him leave or Leave him..I Love him Ever So much….anyway my girl became a regular part of our days befor We made Love between us Girls then included my Husband…our days are as normal as any other Couples Except that my Husband comes home to two Wifes now…our time together have led my Gf to fall in Love with him as well..and that made me even more Happy…
Husband’s POV
So I like many here have been placed in a similar situation. I have been with my wife for 16 years, married for 10 and have 2 wonderful kids. Recently I confronted my wife about something “just not being right.” After discussion she told me that she also liked women and that although she never acted on it she has fantasies. she says that she had these feelings here whole life but never really understood them until the past 2 years. I guess ultimately I was relieved that this was the case versus stating that she was cheating on me with someone else. After many long midnight talks, I actually feel like we have connected more now than we have ever been. I feel like I understand her better and we have actually been having the best sex these past few weeks than we have ever had. We still have many late night talks, some about her sexuality but also about other important things. Ultimately what I still worry about is that I am not fulfilling the need she has for this. She assures me it’s something that she is never going to act on because she loves me and is married to me. However, the more I read these blogs, the more I get worried that it will happen. I am not trying to be controlling but also believe in marriage. If something happens without the parter knowing, that is cheating. From what everyone else has been saying, it seems like those connections are more than just sex. It is an intimacy that men may not be able to provide. This makes me uneasy as although right now she says it won’t happen, what about 5, 10 or 20 years later. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like most posts on the site are females in their 30s-50s that have this happening and now are in a situation similar to mine. I just want some understanding that I am being fair, honest and open to my wife whom I love deeply. I want to fulfill her needs in all facets of life, not just sexually. I guess what I am asking is that is it wrong for me to want a monogamous relationship? Let’s face it, most guys find two girls kissing or the thought of a threesome with two girls a huge turn on. But when it could come close to reality, it’s a little scary because I then think of losing my wife to another women because she then provided a missing piece of her life that I couldn’t. I am confused but always willing to talk. It is usually me that starts the evening conversations. I again love my wife and she says she loves me and wants to be with me. For those women on here that are the same as my wife, is this enough to fulfill your lives without also exploring with another woman? Thanks to anyone who replies and has read my post. It is the first time I have talked about this to anyone other than my wife.
Justin, it’s nice to read a husbands point of view, mostly because I believe your POV is that of my husband. We’re mid thirties, been together 15 years, married 9 years, 2 kids. I’ve recently admitted to my husband that I’m attracted to women and believe I may be bisexual. He was devastated, felt inferior like he could never fully satisfy me. We’ve never been great at communicating about emotional intimate topics, so I can’t be completely open with him like you and your wife have with your late night talks. You ask if it’s possible for a bi woman to remain faithful and happily married to her man…..truth is there’s no easy answer, I believe it is possibly yes. For some just talking about it and being able to express themselves is enough. You’re taking the right approach with open communication, never stop doing that but don’t make her feel like you don’t trust her. I can’t speak for everyone but I’ll tell you how I feel……
I’ve never been with a woman in any way, but I fantasize about it often, not just about the sexual aspects, it’s more about passion and intimacy, something that I feel my marriage lacks. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart but he’s not all emotional and sensitive on the outside. My feelings for women do not in any way diminish what I feel for him, he’s my knight in shining armour, my provider, protector, life companion, there isn’t a woman in the world that could take his place. But yet there’s this other side of me, that longs for a female connection, it’s really inexplainable. I can’t say for sure if I will always be able to suppress that side of myself or even if I want to, but I know right now I would I’d feel more comfortable if my husband would simply accept and support it. So what if I like women, so does he, why not talk about women together, I’d love to talk to my man about my fantasies, point out women I find attractive and joke together about how fun it’d be to have her in bed, watch porn together, even flirt with women together. But instead I feel trapped, forced to burry my feelings deep. My advice….don’t do what my husband did, don’t pretend it don’t matter or that it won’t exist if not talked about. Open communication is key, find out how she’s comfortable expressing herself. Sorry for such a long read, got carried away with my own rant lol. Good luck
Husbands POV cont
Thank you for the time you have spend replying to me. I also posted another response as well in this same thread.
I have found myself similar to your husband and you even seem like you could be my wife the way you are describing yourself. Lol. I think one difference is that I do accept her for who she is. We DO talk about it, ALOT. It does exist and it is part of our lives so it is important. I again am always willing and open to communicate with her even if one of us feels hurt with the response.
I love the fact that my wife is attracted to women we have just started talking about it it is a turn on to me and i dont mind if she wants to sleep with women as long as she still loves me and thats just how i feel
You spoke for me too ! Thank you –
I support my wife’s bisexual feelings and dreams. I loved her b4 the coming out conversation and changes nothing with my love for her. I told her to explore her feelings with a girlfriend/lover without me being there. Does this make me different?
It’s nice to have a husband’s pov. And the truth is amongst the internal battles I face with my wants for a women and my deepest love for my husband, I am always worried about how he perceives me, his fears of my leaving him. I understand his fears and his uneasiness for the fact that I want women despite my being very fulfilled with my husband and he won’t ever see it for what it is to me. I can’t imagine my life with out my husband, I want nothing more than to grow old with him, he is my everything. But I will always want to be with a woman again, I would never act on that desire. But even the realization that I’d never be with a woman again hurts my spirit, it feels while my husband says he accepts me I can’t be who I am without risking hurting him.
I’d love to experience women again and still have the amazing relationship with my husband that I have now. I don’t view it as anything that could possibly take away from my husband and I’s relationship. I think it would be something that would help me be who I am, to fulfill myself but not in the sense my husband is incapable of it. He fulfills extremely large portions of my spirit, heart and body, but I like women, I always have, always will.
I can’t tell you that wanting monogomous relationship with you wife is fine or unfair, because I want no one other than my husband, I respect his desires for a monogomous relationship however my heart still aches for the touch, feel, taste of women. So I will refrain from giving into my desires, this has and will likely continue to result in a feeling of being incomplete or untrue to myself. And while I might not have chosen to be bi, I am CHOSING my husband. I will put our happiness over my own personal desires for as long as I need. Yes I hope one day he’d be okay with me having relationships with women so long as our marriage is forever the priority. But I will choose him always and until he really understands that in his heart I just continue to live my life in a way that cause him no doubt on my committment to him.
Wow…so deep and so true. I’ve wrote about this before, the compromise. You force yourself to resist your desires which I know to be very real because I feel it myself. You choose to honour your husbands wishes to save the marriage but in doing so you compromise a very big part of who you are….which obviously is and always be a huge struggle. I get where these husbands are coming from, wanting monogamy, and believe that us wanting a woman is no different than wanting another man, or them wanting another woman. It sounds rediculous to anyone who doesn’t feel it. I don’t need to go out in seek of a relationship but knowing that I can’t ever experience the touch of a woman is devastating. Not only does my husband not approve of me acting on my desires, he doesn’t want me to express my bisexual side in any way, basically refuses to acknowledge that it exists, but yet claims to be “ok” with me being bi. Frustrating to say the least
Husband’s POV continued
I am replying to everyone who took the time to read my post and put time and effort into their response. I do truly appreciate it. An update for me is that we still continue to talk and try to work through things. I again ask her repeatedly about her desires/crushes/fantasies. She says that is all they are because the people she had these for are important ones in our lives and if they go wrong it could mean some serious consequences such as a job or other. I ask her all the time if that means she wants a relationship outside our marriage but she says that’s not what she wants. Even though she says this, I still know that she flirts and yearns for those people to also feel the same for her. I asked if it was a threesome type of thing and she said no. I am at a loss here at times. It’s funny because right now I feel closer to her than ever due to our talks but yet find myself thinking about this way too often and its interfering with my daily life. I find myself wondering throughout the day what or who she is thinking about. She again always reassures me that I am her love and there is no chance of any of her fantasies coming to life but reading everyone’s blogs on this site I begin to think that it may not be the case. I am not ready to say for her to have a female relationship outside of our marriage or explore her sexuality yet, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. I know I may offend some by saying it but everyone seems to be focused on the female and allowing her to be fulfilled. But is that really ok at the expense of ruining a husband/wife relationship. I guess I want it to go both ways (no pun intended) and if I want to be happy and she does too then she should respect some of my wishes too. I’m not trying to turn someone straight and for her not to express her sexuality. Again she says she is not interested in acting on her fantasies. But my thing is that she has not actually been with a woman ever (at least that is what she told me) so how do you really know that these feelings are real if you haven’t actually tried it yet? I guess my fear is more of a finding out the hard way versus her talking to me about it before hand.
I am a bisexual woman who seems to be similar to your wife. I was raised in a private school Catholic life and because I always had crushes on boys I misunderstood or repressed my feelings for women.
When I met my husband I was late college and starting to think I may be bi, and that my feeling towards women were different than my straight friends and sisters.
I was open with him about everything because he is and will always be my soulmate. About a year into our marraige, which is an amazing one, he asked if I wanted to explore my sexualitie, since I had never been with a woman.
We went to a swingers club and being with a woman was amazing, more so than I thought. We tried to have a sort of polyamorous thing with the woman, who was also bi, but she was not super interested in my husband and extremely interested in me. I ended up breaking things off because I couldn’t deal with the guilt of him being left out.
I didn’t really enjoy the three some dynamic anyway because I don’t want to have to split my focus between two people, it feels akward.
After that I vowed that I would never be with a woman again because my husband is my world, my love, my soulmate, and I know I want him to be the one I grow old with. I refused to do anything that would jeopardize our marraige because no one, man or woman, could ever come close to what he means to me.
The problem is that suppressing my feelings for women has completely shut down my libido. I am not able to become turned on by my husband. I have a significant amount of stress at work which contributes, but there is just no desire.
Recently I have been seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression, and my bisexuality came up. I am trying to balance what to do.
On the one hand, I feel that if I suppress my feelings and urges for women I will become asexual out of repressed shame, guilt, and subconscious blame against my husband. Lately everytime I look at him, I just see his manliness as a slap in the face to what I desire, which is very female. At least in bed.
Outside of the bedroom I find myself falling in love with him almost daily- the whole soulmate thinget is real folks. Every night I tell him that he is my favorite person- and that is the one thing I am sure of. My adoration of him and his spirit is true love.
Last night I brought up that my desire for a woman’s touch was eating away at me, and we even shared our crushes with each other. With minor overlap. He wants to support me, and asks what I need but I don’t know.
I don’t want a threesome, because I don’t want to share or risk being with someone who prefers one of us more than the other.
I don’t want a side girlfriend because I would feel like I am cheating and the guilt would be worse than the benefits gained.
I don’t want to have a hook-up because I am a very intimate and emotional person physically. I have a hard time letting something be just physical.
I am just worried that if I do nothing the urges will just get stronger and I will become more and more turned off by my husbands sexual advances.
I don’t have an answer, but I feel like you need to trust your wife if she says she loves you. Because I am completely at a loss but I am secure in my love for my husband. I will do anything to avoid losing him.
I never admitted to my self or anyone else that I was attracted to women I was so very lucky to marry my best friend who helped me open up and become myself…..he wasn’t very subtle about it he took me to a strip club for my 21st birthday…. We are stronger than we have ever been have 4 kids been together for 18 years and married 16…. It is so very possible to stay faithful as a bisexual woman …. I love to flirt and 99% of the time just the flirty chase is enough …. It makes it easier knowing that of I wanted to have a girlfriend I could…. But personally I can’t be in more than one serious relationship I love my husband he is my soul mate I guess just Knowing he is supporting my choices (so long as nothing is kept secret and must be discussed and agreed upon prior to any hookup)is the biggest turn on…that and the fact that he knows me better than I know myself
Hi Justin. I feel like I have the same thoughts as your wife and, for me, having fantasies about or wanting to be with a woman doesn’t mean that my husband isn’t giving me enough. As I don’t think that you aren’t fullfilling your wife’s needs. It’s a completely separate desire wanting to be with a woman and if she has never been with one, her curiosity is probably raging just to know what it’s like. Just my personal opinion though. My husband and I have an amazing relationship and I recently came out to him as bisexual. I told him I didn’t need to be with a woman to be satisfied with life and that was and still is completely true. But he really encouraged me to explore my sexuality since its something I hadn’t done before so I did and it’s been great. Together, we found a woman who is also married and in a similar lifestyle like ours and now she’s like one of my best friends with occasional benefits. Haha. I know my way is not the “right way”, everyone is different but this is what has worked for us. I hope this helped a little bit.
How did you find a friend in a simular situation. I feel like I would have less guilt hooking up with a woman who was also happily married.
This is exactly what I was hoping I could make work with my BFF. We have admitted our feelings for each other and we had one very quick encounter making out. We both enjoyed it but being that we are married, we felt like we were betraying our husbands who do not know about our feelings. I am very open with my husband and would like to tell him what happened but she does not want to go that route as of now. Our husbands are close friends so there is a lot at stake with our families being very intertwined. I wish there was a way for us to continue having the family life we both cherish and also having the close friendship with benefits. I believe she is just too scared to tell her husband for fear that he would want everything to end, friendships and all.
Hello, I can’t say I speak for all married and bi ladies. However I can sympathize with your insecurity, and assure you that she’s likely opened up about it because she genuinely cares and trusts you. Not because she is actively seeking someone else, in fact I would say that your current level of intimacy sounds healthy considering she’s already admitted to fantasizing… she married you because you provided her with something she values. Bi or not, monogamy is real, and as tempting as it may be to stray I find that the drive to be there for your family is pretty overwhelming. I think that it is important to remain aware of her physical needs, but not because she may stray, rather because having the bond to share those needs with your spouse is what keeps a marriage together. I know from experience that honesty makes all the difference. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and honest about my bi-ness from the beginning. We had many talks over the years as well and I think he is only confident because I was honest early on. Surely he would’ve had your concerns if I hadn’t been, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t make me happy.I think this is what you should be focusing on. She chose a family with you after all was said and done. Commitment is not impossible because someone is bi and being straight does not mean devoid of compromise… there will always be compromise, but I at least find the rewards are worth while.
I find myself in a similar place as Justin. We don’t have kids but have been married for 6 years. My wife fell hard for a crush 2-3 years into our marriage and that cemented her ideas that she was Bi. I was completely unaware. We have had several conversations about it. I am fine with her being Bi but the fact that she wants something outside of our marriage basically feels like I am not fulfilling enough for her. I have always been open to whoever I had attraction to but monogamy is way more important to me personally than if I were to want to be involved with a guy. I haven’t ever had feelings for a guy, so I figure it feels differently. My brain can’t wrap around the idea that our marriage can exist (and at 100%) with her being involved with someone else. It doesn’t help that a lot of her energy levels are very low (due to mental and physical health issues) so I am already unfulfilled romantically and in spending quality time together, but I do understand why that is and don’t fault her for that. My thing is, with the lack of energy, I would feel jealous and frustrated if any extra emotional and physical energy was shown towards someone else when our own relationship lacks that already. It’s like butting heads and I don’t think either one of us is right or wrong but I can’t see both of us being happy…
Another Husband’s perspective.
I’ve been with my wife for over 30 years and she’s been actively bisexual off and on for over 18 of those years. Over the last six years she’s had an exclusive ongoing relationship with the wife of another couple in our circle of vanilla friends that has been primarily been physically and emotionally between the two of them, but with a lot of communication between the guys. For the record, I don’t feel threatened by this relationship because I know that neither of us see this as something that is “Instead of…” but is “Different from….” what we have with each other. Does she get something out of being with her Lover that she doesn’t get from me? Heck yeah! But she also gets lots from me that she doesn’t get out of being with her Girl. Long Term Relationships are about a lot more than sex, they’re about partnership in your day-to-day as well, and if you take care of that, then chances are, you’ll be fine.
Having said that, all four of us communicate well together. I’m as likely to get a text from Girlfriend asking if her “Wife” is busy on such and such a day. We have a lot of inside jokes, and we get along fine and confide in each other. However, her marriage is of primary importance to her and she knows ours is to us too. The fact that they can both indulge in a loving, sensual, and emotionally supportive relationship in addition to that is icing on the cake (or muffin as the case may be). What I have noticed is that when we’re in our best balance, my wife’s libido is also at it’s highest as a result of her feeling better about herself (and thus ourselves as well). It’s all about balance, and it isn’t black-and-white…. this-or-that…. unless you make it that way.
I think this goes on more than we hear about. It isn’t about coming out, or being in anyone’s face about your sexuality, it’s about adults being a healthy, productive, and supportive relationship.
Hi Justin or whoever else can help.
I hope that you get to read this message.
In a 32yo male and my gf is 27, we met 2.5yrs ago. In a nutshell, she has not had a easy life with problematic alcoholic parents, she grew up in a unfortunate environment but has come out on top and has her whole life ahead of her.
When we first met almost 3 yrs ago, she mentioned that she was Bi and had a few flings before we met, I accepted that, she also said that she has no desire to be with a lady so I left it as that and we carried on with our relationship.
Around the year mark together. I started noticing how she looked at other woman when we were out at the mall, admired other woman and even spoke alot about a Lesbian woman who shes been working with for over 5 years, this woman is 39yo and married a guy but is very Lesbian from what I heard as she still teases my gf and compliments her, my gf said she had never had a relation with this woman but from the way she always talks about this woman and also curses her sometimes. Makes me wonder if she likes this woman or even worse lied to me?
In the last 2 months she hasn’t stopped talking about her – What does one Make of that?
Besides that, Our sex life is a bit slack-ish and as a young couple we sometimes don’t have sex for weeks unless I initiate it, having been in a relationship with a straight lady before, straight ladies do have urges for the D and they also make a move at some stage, she doesn’t, If I decide to not initiate it, nothing happens.
I love her and she loves me, we speak but she holds alot back maybe bcos she is scared of what my reaction might be.
She says that she doesn’t want anybody else in her life and she has become very homely in last year by cooking etc but that doesn’t convince me.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not a bad person to her and am a understanding someone, I just want honesty from her and from what I can see things don’t seem right and my mom is pushing me to get engaged but I’m unsure.
She even deletes her browser history and is very suspicious when on the net.
Something is a miss…Please help with some advice.
Many thanks
I am a 24 year old woman, married with a son and recently came out as bisexual. My husband has been really supportive and is even encouraging me to go out and find a girlfriend and experiment if I need to. I would love to meet a woman that I connect with and can have a relationship with. Just curious as to how those of you in similar situations actually met another woman and have a relationship with her…
Hi there
be careful with your heart
your husband may be excited by the idea of you with another woman but if that impacts on your love life with him he may change his tune and you could end up very torn and confused.
these are treacherous waters to navigate- im currently in this situation.
Ive been with my husband for 10 years and we only got married 9 months ago.
One month after getting married i had developed a deep intimate emotional connection with a girl and he encouraged me to explore it sexually-
we even tried poly for a few months
now he and i are both heart broken as we have no intimacy left in our relationship and she wants nothing to do with me.
think long and hard and talk to each other about the possibility of you falling in love with other women and what that means for your marriage,
I’m a guy that been married to a beautiful women for 12 years, also bisexual. She knows that I’ve had sexual attractions to men, even before we got married I asked her if I could, you know, with a friend of ours. As far as she knows that was it. We were getting married and going to be faithful. However the last year or so I started having strong urges to be with a guy and it’s starting to be overwhelming. I know I’d never stray to satisfy that and that’s what is making it so hard. I can’t tell her, it would mess everything up. I can’t do it behind her back because that’s cheating. I don’t know.
The only way to get through this is my being honest. I am bisexual and married and i have talk to my husband about it. He was fine with it i know it is different for men and women in these situations even if it shouldn’t be. But talk to her, tell her what’s running through your mind and if there are issues with you being yourself then maybe there are some issues you two need to sort out. If someone loves you like they say they do then no matter what they should love you for who you are and not just part of you ALL OF YOU!!
I am so glad I found this site! It seems a lot of you are in the same boat I currently find myself in. I am 26 years old, happily married with 2 kids of my own and also a step daughter. When I was 19 I realized I had a desire to explore another woman. I was too afraid and ashamed to talk to my friends about this so I turned to the Internet and found a woman who lived close to me and identified as lesbian. We talked for a while and became what I would say would be close friends. Eventually I did go to her house and hooked up with her and I was extremely turned on by the whole experience. Those feelings seem to subside for years, so I brushed it off as being merely curious. More recently however, I have found those feelings to be re-surfacing. I have found myself having sexual dreams about my girlfriends, and become very aroused by watching movies that have women kissing in them and here I am questioning my sexuality again. My husband feels that I am bi-sexual and he is totally okay with it (and of course requesting a threesome). I come from a very strict Catholic family that would be horrified if they knew of my experiences and feelings towards other women. I know to some people labels arent very important, but guess I just really want to know once and for all who I really am and what my true identity really is. Could I still just be bi-curious? Or does this seem more along the lines of bisexual? Please help!!! 🙂 thank you!!!!
Hey everyone! First of all, let me just say how happy I am to have found this blog! All of your comments mention something that I have felt or am going through right now. I am a 24-year-old photographer and stay-at-home mom. I am two amazing little boys and an awesome husband that I love so much. I was raised in a very Christian church and home but knew at a young age that I was attracted to girls. But I was also very attracted to guys and was raised with the religious stigma that being gay or lesbian was “sinful”. So I have always repressed my feelings I have felt for women and thought that I could get away with being ok with it. I dated many guys throughout high school and college and was accused many times of hitting on girls throughout the years, because I totally was, haha. Anyway I had known my husband throughout high school and we got married after my first year in college. A year after that we had our first son and have been happily married for five years now. I hadn’t really thought about my attraction to women in those five years until recently. Most of my close friends are very religious and are now married and, like I said previously, to them, same-sex attraction calls for serious therapy or and intervention with Jesus in the Christian world, haha. So about two years ago, I moved and met a woman who had kids my sons’ age and we started hanging out everyday. She is super cool and is still like one of my best friends today. Anyway, she was always telling me how pretty I was and was always hinting at wanting to kiss me, etc. And I started questioning my sexuality again but thought it was wrong. At around this same time, my husband and I decided to leave our church because it’s ideologies, rituals and ideas didn’t fit who we are anymore. Leaving our faith was a huge eye-opening experience for us. We went through huge identity crisies that strained our marriage and led to many different experimental phases we felt we needed to try because we had been told all of these things were bad for us throughout our whole lives. It took about a year of adjustment, experimenting, and a trip to jail (lol) for us to finally figure ourselves out. We married young, I was 19 and he was 21 and were parents a year after that. We never really got to be wild and crazy so I guess we had to get that out of our system. Anyway, as I am beginning to embrace every beautiful part of myself, I feel like I can no longer hide that I am extremely attracted to women. I am still in love with my husband and still find men attractive but I find myself curious as to what it would be like to be with a woman. I don’t even need to or know if I even want to have sex with a woman but I feel like I need to know if I COULD want to. I have never been with a woman. Am I really bisexual or possibly just bicurious? Is it wrong of me to want to explore my own sexuality while I am married? Would anyone even be willing to “test the waters” with me when I already have a family of my own? I lay awake every night wondering what it would be like to be with a woman. I dream about it. I think about it a lot. I haven’t told my husband about my thoughts yet but am pretty sure he already knows and even if he doesn’t I think he would be ok with it. I just want to, first, do what’s best for my family but also not feel like I’m trapped and confused with myself. Any advise anyone has is appreciated!
I am hoping you all can help me make sense of a situation I have encountered. I have been open with my female best friend about being Bi. I even told her there were some feelings I had for her but since we are both married with kids, it’s not something I ever expected to go anywhere… But just wanted to be honest with her. It’s been hard to suppress my feelings and sometimes that is coming across as me not caring about her. In her words, she says I am pushing her away or being cold.
After she’s been drinking, she tells me how she doesn’t feel like I care about her and I don’t show it the way I should. I have a hard time explaining to her that after everything I’ve told her about my feelings, I can’t understand why she would think that or feel that way. She is very important to me but I have to keep the lines drawn. She wants me to be more openly affectionate towards her which I find hard to do and also rather inappropriate given my feelings. During this conversation, she was showing affection towards me by holding my hand, touching my thigh, hugging and then wanting a kiss. (Just a peck type of kiss). That is so difficult for me because I just want to be able to grab her and act on impulses but I know we cannot go past that line. I just feel like she is either pushing me to see if I will take it there or she is sending me huge mixed signals. I am at a loss for how to handle this. Any thoughts??
Hi I am a 33 year old man who has had gay relationships and sttaight ones as well. I have been married for almost 6 years to my wife who is also bisexual. I have had the ability and pleasure of knowing a man and a woman intimately, she has not. I love my wife and I know she loves me, but I really want her to have the ability and pleasure of knowing another woman intimately. I know she is a little unsure but I don’t want her to have lived a life with regrets. Is it wrong of me to want that for her ? Its not about me at all.
I think you are being generous. My husband had never been honest about his sexuality with any one before me. He has tried same sex relationships before but was not the answer he was looking for. He was in a relationship with his ex wife who made him feel like anything besides their (anything but exciting) relationship was wrong. I am a bisexual woman and after they split, he fell for me. This was something that came up in conversation, how cheating was thinking of another person and so on. I finally had enough and asked one simple question…. Have you tried it? His reply…! “What!?” Mine was,” a threesome, you know, you and I and another? ” we spoke about men and women and lust for a while. What we came down to was, if we are in love and feel that the other person can gain from an experience, or both people, we should at least give it a try. I invited a woman friend to join in some fun for one night. My husbands’ response to the night was that he felt like the connection between the two women, myself and my friend, was an amazing event to be a part of. He feels like he has a different view of WOMAN as a whole and that the intimacy is something to be rivaled. Our relationship has become closer and I feel like it’s because we both have had the chance to experience our most vulnerable and impressionable moments together. My advice to you is to make sure your wifey has the choice if she feels like it is going to benefit her. If she is not in 100% then you will end up with more regret. It is ok to be bi. This world needs to make a place for us. Thank you for supporting your wife. It’s painful to be thought of a just a slut by queer and straight alike. There was never a place for me in life and now I have one. I let my freak flag high and now refuse to take it down!!! Xoxo to you and yours!
I’m a 24 y/o bi woman that has been in a relationship with a male for 6 years and we have a 5 y/o daughter. I have always been attracted to girls ever since I can remember. When I was 15 my best friend (a girl) and I developed into a relationship and we a secret passionate relationship I know we were very young but I had very real feelings for her . I met my fiance (guy) when I was 17 and we started dating . It was a lot of drama that ended up with my best friend and I not being friends anymore bc he was jealous. Little after I found out I was pregnant. Soon after I was engaged. So here I am years later in a relationship with a man that I love ….but I have very strong urges to be with a woman. He knows about my sensuality but thinks we should have threesomes to satisfy me. I honestly want more than just sex I
want to have that chemistry, that deep sensual connection , that slow love making that I have never felt with him. I don’t want to ruin my family but I want to be true to myself
Hi there Kim, I feel the same way. I don’t want to just have sex. I want to feel the passion and emotional connection that women have with each other. There is a bond that is so deep rooted in our spirit that I cannot seem to explain it to my husband. I got with my husband when I was 19 (I’m 27 now) and wanted so badly to fit in to be part of. I started drinking too much and am now in recovery. I am now getting to know myself and I’m afraid that my husband won’t like it. I force myself to have sex with him because I feel horney but it’s not what I want. Yet there are kids involved so does that mean my sexual desires and wants do not mean anything anymore? Guess I’m more confused then confident. Well hope you find support here. I have.
One this i have heard is never to stay for the kids. You stay because you want to. Yoh need to be happy and your kids will understand in the long run that you did it so they would have a happy loving mom and not one that is just going through the motions of loving their father. You dont want to set that example as far as loving someone. We should do what our hearts desire! And if you heart is telling you that a woman is what you need then shoot go far it.
You are not alone. If you do not want sensuality with your partner, your kids will see that. Would it be so bad if you were to show them real love even if it were same sex? Love is love and should never be hidden or ashamed of. Please for the sake of your children and your future health. Be true to yourself and only have a threesome if it’s your idea. Do not let the man in your life make you feel like you are just in some need of sex. I am a bi married woman and my husband would never tell me that a threesome would fill the void. If you feel like you are a lesbian no one will ever make you feel like you are not. Strength and power to you. Xoxo
I am right there with you. I am still friends with my best friend but she lives in another start. We dont get to see or talk to eachother as often as we like. I can’t help but think of our relationship from time to time and it turns me on. I have no one to share that with anymore. I met my husband when i was 19 and about a year after we were pregnant. Another 5 years later we were engaged and then after almost 7 years together we were married. He know my sexuality and he doesn’t mind it which is a perk he’s very open with it and encourages me to have a girlfriend and have fun. He says life is too short we have the rest of our lives together we are young so we are allowed to have fun. To an extent of course.
I know many men aren’t as understanding. I have no intention on leaving him any time soon. I love my husband with all my heart and if he’s ok with it than i am too.
It is hard to find women that are understanding in my situation.
I feel like I could really connect with you! Please email me 🙂 I’m married 5 years now with 2 kids and I love my husband but I need that passionate romantic side a female partner can bring at the same time. Something that balances well that my husband is in agreement with… Please email me, we can talk more 🙂
I’m sorry hun but I won’t publish your contact info publicly. If @Kim replies I will email her your info privately.
-Jay Dee, Founder
Hi call me if you need me i am a bi [NUMBER BLOCKED]
*Note from Admin: Please do not share phone numbers, they will not be published! -Jay Dee
For me as a confident man I find bi women very sexy. When my wife has an attraction or even an affair with another woman, I find that very exciting. When she shares that information with me we have even hotter sex. In general I think bi women are way more sexy if they are given the opportunity to explore their sexuality.
I’m a woman married to a man and I think I may be bi. I told my husband about it and about how I’m worried about it and a little weirded out about it hoping for some deep talk. we’re best friends and can usually tell each other anything. He then made fun of me a little and dismissed it. To him, as long as I’m only having sex with him it doesn’t matter that I may be bi. To me, this is an identity crisis. I’ve always been attracted to women. What I didn’t know was that not all women feel this way. This may seem silly, but I just figured all women were a little attracted to the same sex and that I was heterosexual. I learned recently that this is not the case. Some women are just completely attracted to the opposite sex. Once my husband dismissed me, I went to my sister who said the exact same thing. Don’t go exploring it, it doesn’t matter if I’m bi if I’m married and monogamous.
This is why I’m looking to the Internet for help. I don’t want to cheat on my husband, I just want to figure out my attraction to women, how it affects me, and what it means to my identity. Am I silly for wanting this? To me this is almost life changing. Am I putting too much emphasis on this label? Is wanting to talk about it and explore it with someone completely silly given my married status?
I feel the exact same way, Andrea. My husband really didn’t want to hear about it. I have had strong feelings for very close female friends and have wanted to explore further but feel like that’s not acceptable while married. I struggle wondering if continuing to suppress this will just make me want it more and more as time goes on.
So then what’s a girl to do? Society tells us cheating is wrong yet if I feel the need to be with someone while I’m still with my husband ugh. I’m so confused.
I encourage my wife to explore her bisexual feelings……I’ve told her countless times if she wants a relationship with a woman I will support her….we are not looking for a 3som by any means….I’ll watch but nothing more
Oh honey you’re not the only woman to feel this way, and it’s ok to want to talk about about it. I too have always felt an attraction to women and thought it was a normal heterosexual feeling. Suddenly something clicked in my head that made me question my sexuality. Like you, I panicked a little, worried a lot, I was scared of what it meant, and didn’t know where to go. I think maybe today’s society in general have been putting too much emphasis on the labels. You’re a woman, like myself, who is attracted to other women, simply put. The label, is really up to you. I believe that sexuality is much more fluid in this day and age, especially in women. Don’t get caught up in the labels, when you don’t quite fit in the category of strictly heterosexual or strictly homosexual there is a very broad spectrum. It’s hard trying to redefine yourself, especially to others who cant comprehend your feelings. But don’t think you’re being foolish or silly, what you feel is real and more common than you might think. This space will help you see that you are not alone. If you feel that you want to explore your feelings further you should continue talking to your husband, explain to him that this is something important to you and you need to talk it out not be dismissed. I wish you luck
Hi Andrea! I feel like you´ve just described me!!! I am also a married woman.. have been for 19yrs but I also thought all woman had a little bit of an attraction … I did experiment a little in high school but when I met my husband all that went out the window because it wasn’t as hip as it is nowadays. I love my husband dearly and understand you completely … he knew about this relationship of mine ( and my situation with family at the time) so he and I are also best friends and have experimented together to help me with my desires without hurting him or myself. I would love to connect and chat if you would like to. Just email me 🙂
Wow that is exactly how I feel!!
I am going through the same thing right now, and I really feel for you. I was married very young and we’ve been together 16+ years. I am now realizing that these feelings and attractions to women Ive had my whole adult life are more than just curiosity and I really feel the need to connect with and have an intimate experience with another woman, or at least be open to the experience by being who I truly am. I feel that by suppressing this side of my sexuality it has actually affected the person I have become – I am not as open or uninhibited as I want to be. I have closed myself off to a part of who I am and really feel like I need validation. Sexuality is about more that just sex, it is about our identity and how we interact with the world. It is hard feeling invisible and out of place. I truly hope you find what you are looking for!
I have had the same feelings. Told my husband he dismissed it…. Told him I want to explore he said go ahead and he dismissed that as well. So fast forward I have met a women who is also married and we are together. Both our husband know we hang out, shop, get our nails done and that we are lovers.
Oh wow. You’re so lucky. My husband hasn’t given me permission to date, too but extremely difficult to meet women who want something meaningful and long lasting. Your situation is so ideal. Mind if I ask how you met your girlfriend?
Oops…I met “my husband has given me permission”.
This is a little odd for me, as I’ve tried to ignore the way I feel for some time, but…
I’ve been married for a little over two years. I love my husband. I do. He’s a great guy as far as friendship and even companionship is concerned, but when it comes to an actual relationship, i.e. marriage, he tends to be quite understanding of my feelings altogether. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to explain to him my feelings as far as women are concerned. At first (when we were dating) he seemed like he was fine with the idea of me having relationships with women. Now that we’re married he’s taken a completely different stance altogether.
I won’t say that his behavior is directly controlling, but it is passively controlling in the sense that he doesn’t directly tell me I can’t have friends though he does insist on inserting himself into any social situations that I may be in, whether it be in face to face interactions or virtual. We both do a lot of gaming. In the process of this I have made some very tangible connections with people that very well could have branched into real life encounters. The only factor that determined that was my husband. He insists on being involved in everything, even going as far as to check my phone for text messages between me and one of my friends that I happened to meet that he knows very well is nothing more than a friend.
All in all our sex life has gone downhill. I just can’t seem to get the same feelings as I did during the start of our relationship. I hate to say this…but I’m honestly just not sexually attracted to him anymore. At the same time I don’t have the heart to tell him that I’m just not attracted to him anymore. It would break him, and I care about him deeply. Though my issues with being attracted to him don’t have as much to do with what’s in his pants as it has to do with his behavior (though I won’t deny that it may have some part to do with it).
Just a little bit more information…Our anniversary was recently. As in a week and a half ago. He refused to acknowledge it, even going so far as admitting the next day that he’d completely forgotten it. I didn’t have a problem with it. I’m not even that great at remembering dates. So, whatever, right? The next day, as soon as he wakes up, he starts asking me to go out and do something. I’m not that concerned with it, as I already have plans with a friend and he KNOWS this. So I tell him that, if things go how they’re supposed to, we can go out to dinner. NOTE: I DID bring up again that I already had other obligations.
Long story short, my plans with my friend dragged out longer than they should have due to unforeseen circumstances. I let him know that things were going to take longer than initially planned. Personally I saw no issue with it as the plans we’d made to celebrate our anniversary were done not only the day after, but also at literally the last minute with the understanding that there were already plans in place. I can understand that he was angry. I would have been as well. But he proceeded to stomp around, LITERALLY stomp around, for 12 hours after the fact and refused to talk about it despite me asking about his behavior multiple times.
That behavior, sadly, is nothing new. He does it constantly. I really don’t know why other than a lack of sex. As he’s said in forced discussion resulting in me pestering him to talk to me for a number of hours, he equates the quality of our marriage to the amount of sex we have. The only reason I know this is because, after a week or two of this angry behavior that turns out directed at me in the form of nasty looks and barbs that finally result in him telling him that we seriously need to talk he discloses to me that he’s unsatisfied with the amount of sex we have. At the same time, his idea of telling me he wants sex is telling me, and I quote, “You should touch my dick.”
No romance. No foreplay. Just that I should initiate it every time all the time. And with a line as “subtle” as THAT.
Anyway, with this most recent argument that seemed to strike a chord with me, we finally started to talk about it. And yes, I was pissed. I told him that I wanted to talk, that we NEEDED to talk. I asked him what his problem was, brought up the fact that he TOLD me he forgot our anniversary and I didn’t even mind, but then he wanted to act like a child for a number of hours after the fact. He told me that I “made him seem like a dick” when I worded it like that. Then I tried to talk it out with him. He stood up, walked away, and left me there with no answers.
I’ve been seeking a relationship with a woman for a while now, though I never felt like I could bring it up to him after the first few conversations we had about it. I even made a few connections that I had to cut off because of his borderline over-controlling behavior. But after this most recent occurrence I feel like the relationship may be over, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it to be. I love him.
I can’t stress that enough: I LOVE HIM. But…I don’t know. I need advice. I need someone to tell me something of substance that may or may not lead me in the right direction. I need some tips on possibly having a relationship with a woman who is accepting of this incredibly messy situation to help me recover the real me. I’m completely lost. And I’m sorry if this doesn’t belong here but I’m really at a loss as to where to turn. I don’t feel like I should have married him, but this didn’t become a realization until after the first year of marriage. I need help. Outside of counseling, as he refuses.
Again, sorry if this post is misplaced.
I’ll appreciate any advice.
Thanks,
Valerie
Valerie, a woman won’t solve your problems hun. A new relationship, one built on lies, deceit and a deficit in your relationship will do nothing but bring more harm into your life.
I personally would take a step back and ask myself first what to do with the relationship I’m in AND consider how unfair would it be to her to bring her my mess.
-Jay Dee, Founder
34 yo married female, hitched to my husband for nearly 13 years.
I’ve only had 3 crushes on women in my life and two of those were when I was a teenager, so I thought it was a phase. At 33, I fell in love w/a medical professional who took care of me; she stared at my breasts and grazed them on occasion during our interaction- it didn’t feel good, but it didn’t feel bad. It tingled.. I fell for her, hard.
We became friends. It was push and pull, she was emotionally unavailable and we had a falling out last year.
Two weeks ago, after 8 months of silence from her towards, me, she text messaged me; it wasn’t to me, it was an “accident” she alleged. Ugh, I digress…but her accidental text brought all of the damn feelings back!! I don’t want these feelings. I never asked for them.
Now, I want to be with a woman. This isn’t about being horny, this is a primal urge. It’s an ache inside of me. I can feel it in my bones. I’ve been horny, but this is unreal.
Also, I’m still struggling to get over HER (the women I fell for last year).
My attraction to women is not the same as it is to men. I can see a man and be physically attracted, but I can’t say the same for a woman. I can’t see a woman on the street and want to bang her. Actually, I don’t want to bang a woman, that’s a man. I want to f-ck a man. Screw a man. With the woman I fell for, I want to make love to her. I want it slow and sensual. I wanted to taste her.
With women, I have to be emotionally connected first, but once I am (emotionally connected), I am a goner. It’s so deep and intense; much more than I could feel for a man.
With a man, I can be easily attracted, but rarely emotionally connected. With a woman, once I’m emotionally connected, I will always be attracted.
My husband won’t allow me to experiment. He doesn’t want me talking to a woman to see if it’s even a possibility. Basically, I put this away or he wants a divorce, but he wants me to leave him…he won’t leave me. Weird.
Our sex life sucks. When I met HER, he and I hadn’t had sex in 5 months and eventually, we went 9 months w/o sex.
He has issues with me watching girl-on-girl porn. He doesn’t want me to talk about my fantasies. He has issues w/me masturbating. He has ED problems himself and it’s a 50/50 chance he’ll be able to maintain an erection.
I’m sick of this. I want the touch of a woman. Then, I wonder, is this just a fantasy? I also have a rape fantasy, but that doesn’t mean I want to go out and get raped.
Ugh, I’m so lost and confused.
Hi there, you have expressed exactly what I feel with my attraction to women. I have sex randomly with my husband and it’s because I’m horney and he does the trick. But it’s nothing more then a physical thing. The emotional connection is just not there and I crave it. I cry lots lately. Just a few tears. I never know what’s wrong but I think it’s part of just not being myself. I don’t know what my title is but I feel so alone and misunderstood. Well just wanted to reach out and let you know you aren’t alone.
Wow, you posted this the day after my birthday.. This is me all the way!
Hi all,
I’m very new to the site, but when reading the description, felt happy that people might understand what it’s like to Google “bi woman married to man” and try to find other stories to connect to.
I have to say, though, that reading some of these other stories in the comments has been heartbreaking and frustrating. In addition to being bi, I’m also a feminist and fiercely independent person who believes manipulation and shaming have no place in a partnership- and yet so many people are recounting stories where their partners used these tactics to get information out of them. Yes, it makes sense that a partner would be angry if they felt betrayed. Yes, it even makes sense that they would become emotional, or raise their voice, or say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment.
But using interrogation tactics, forbidding a partner to be friends with someone or go certain places, shaming a partner by saying they’ll share private information with other people- that is abusive, and there’s no middle ground for it. It is not okay- it is not your fault if you are in that kind of relationship, I only hope you begin to know for yourself that you deserve a stronger, more mature and more respectful partnership that can handle human mistakes! I think that kind of behavior needs to be called out for what it is so that people can know they for sure, absolutely, 100% deserve better.
I agree, cheating or having intimacy outside of a partnership that someone knows will not be okay with their partner is wrong, and betrays trust. But it sounds like, in so many of these stories, there are other hurtful things happening that have become the norm and that are not okay at all. I hope if you’re in a situation where your partner treats you in this poor way, you’re able to recognize that there is more wrong in the relationship than the simple fact that you betrayed their trust- they are betraying yours by being controlling and insecure to the point of deliberately trying to hurt you.
Sending love to anyone hurting in their relationships, or anyone feeling alone- and sending gratitude to the creator of this space!
Hi Alice,
I’m new to this site as well. Like you I’m married to a man. I’m coming out both as bi and as a flower child. I share your heartbreak about some of the stories here. My husband is nothing like that. He supports my being LGBT and feels it’s how I was made. I think I’m discovering feminism too and control has no place in our relationship. I’ve not had an experience with a woman because I’m committed to my husband. My difficulty is trying to figure out how to express the bi part of my self in a non physical way. I think I’m taking good steps by finding this blog and being active on a youtube channel for people coming out late and finding a Meetup. I just wish more of it could be non virtual but we do what we can right?
Amy
Just a little back story… I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years, together 8- and we are very open with each other about our sexuality with each other. We have both harmlessly kissed other women in front of each other with consent. That has been the extent of our experimenting. He told me he would be open to a three some if I ever wanted, I told him I would never want something like that. I guess I always found women attractive and have been bi curious but never acted on it besides kissing.
He loves me dearly and for him that comes with a lot of insecurities. For years, he convinced himself that I cheated on him with his male friend (which I have never done). We went to counselling and he was able to be ok with the fact that he will never really know and trust me (it took 6/7 years for him to be happy and ok about it). It has really tormented our relationship on and off. I have always been faithful to him and his distrust for me has always been awful.
Fast forward to this past weekend, we were having a bbq with one of best best girlfriend who I love dearly (she has a husband and child) and our husbands are friends. A few way too many drinks later, we are making out and having a sexual encounter (my first). We eventually pass out and my husband comes to find me looking like a mess and figures out what happened. He was furious, as he should be because I essentially cheated and didn’t discuss it with him prior.
This just sends him on a emotional roller coaster. He hates me, he loves me, he feels like a chump if he stays with me. I don’t want to leave him or be with another woman. Now, all his trust that we worked so hard to get is gone. He says he can forgive me, but doesn’t know if he can trust me ever again. And now is back at being convinced I cheated on him with his best friend. There are parts of me that wants to fight for this marriage and parts of me that want to flee and start over. Im very confused. He is also the breadwinner and I’m a stay at home wife. He would make it very hard for me to leave…
He does not want to forgive our friend, or even see her ever again. He forbids me to see her as well. I don’t want to give her up in my life, she is an amazing person and my best friend. He also won’t let me go on any girls trips anymore. I hate being controlled but the rational side is saying “well of course! Look what you did!”. He keeps saying, if the roles were reversed and some women gave him a hand job, would i allow him to hang out with that woman again. I find that scenario totally different, and the same, at the same time.
So here we are, I had a sexual encounter with another woman who I care for but don’t want to be with, but don’t want to loose as a friend… A husband who love hates me and will question my every move…and a strange environment for our group of friends because we are all very close and now we can’t see or interact with them. I’m hoping we can see a sex therapist and find more clarity, but I can’t help but feel like I’m faking it to make it in the time being. I love my husband but I love my friend and I can’t give up that friendship for him. And I don’t want to be In a tormented marriage of distrust- which I know I’m now responsible for because of my stupid drunken actions.
That’s a tough situation for sure. My advice would be to give it time, perhaps it’s still to “fresh” for your husband to completely forgive. If you and your friend have a very close friendship then you shouldn’t have to give it up. But I’m sure you also want to respect your husband, maybe he needs more time. Although it sounds like you guys have had a long history of trust issues. In my opinion a marriage needs trust to survive. I get what you’re going through, I recently came out to my husband about my bisexuality and got the exact same reaction as yourself. He was ok with my sexuality but didn’t want to hear or talk about it, and I was definitely not to act on it. I should mention that I never as much “came out” but got caught checking out some lesbian/bisexual dating sites. I admitted to him that I felt I was bisexual but have never physically acted on it, but I had been texting a woman I met online. He considered that cheating, and in a way I agree, he was completely shocked because he trusted my 100%, and I destroyed it. He says he forgives me but right now doesn’t trust me, believes he can again some day but it will take time. Every time I have a girls night planned with my best friends I either end up cancelling because he’s uncomfortable or go and deal with a fight afterwards. It’s frustrating because I’m not used to having to ask permission, I hate the distrust but I understand him just the same. I love my husband, like you I’m a stay at home mom and he is my provider, I have no intention to leave him. He says the same thing about the role being reversed, like it’s somehow the same but I’m with you and believe it’s totally different. I can’t find words to explain it to him because it sounds like nonsense. But my feelings and desire to be with women comes from a completely different place, it’s not in place of my love for him, it just exists as another part of my identity. Too me it’s like saying I’ve enjoyed playing soccer all my life and love it dearly but i feel compelled to start playing the piano. Soccer fulfills my need for sport and activity but piano would fulfil my love of music. Two completely different interests each with its own objective. I wish I could make him see it the way I do
I loved the analogy….playing soccar then taking up piano as it totally fufills two separate parts that make you who you are. Im going to use that to explain that part of me too.
Thanks
I love the symbolism as well. Recently came out to my husband as bi when he discovered and I admitted to an affair with a woman for about 6 months. He knew I dated a woman in college but seemed to think that was only a phase…until now. He’s willing to accept who I am but unwilling to accept me acting on my desires. Feels restrictive and unbearable, yet I love him deeply and don’t want to jeopardize our marriage/family with 2 small kids. Looking for advice on how to live with these desires and maintain a committed marriage. I feel like I need my “piano” too.
It’s humbling to see how many women are out there feeling the same, restrictive defines it perfectly. It’s comforting having you women on this site share your stories. I wish there was some good advice on how to balance both desires because both are important to who you are. If you’re like me you realize that your family is priority #1, I think our husbands know that. But what they fail to understand is that our desire for that female connection is very real and also very important to us. I think that by restricting us from acting on those feelings are just as harmful to the marriage as us going behind his back and doing it anyway. Either way one partner assumes all power and pays no respect to the other partners wants/needs.
Wife cheats on husband, wife gets needs fulfilled by women, husband gets betrayed and upset that his feelings were ignored, marriage is in trouble.
Wife doesn’t act on her desires, husband gets his wishes granted, wife feels heartbroken living with that void and upset that her feelings weren’t taken into consideration, marriage is in trouble.
Two possible scenarios in our situation, either way one partner wins while the other loses. Why is it that only one partner gets to be happy while the other gets their feelings tossed aside. Where’s the happy medium…..that’s the trick, finding that win win scenario. Problem is I don’t know if it exists, neither partner can have exactly what they want because they want opposite outcomes. Compromise….that’s the middle ground!!! Now how do we get there??
Wow!I had to check a few times to make sure I didn’t write this! Your story is so close to mine and it’s so amazing to know that I’m not alone in this want for something more. That I feel something for the companionship with my husband and we have a good life. But I’m pushing away this part of me that craves the emotional connection I get from a woman. Who understands the hormonal changes, the need to hear words of love and expressions of love.
I feel so bad for many of you as most of the population doesn’t understand your feelings and or how hard it must be to stick to a traditional marriage. That being said I’m one of those husbands that is trying to wrap his head around his wife’s desires. The desire you have is impossible for your husbands to understand and most will never try but for those that truly want to understand and are willing to consent to their wives acting on their desires please help us.
It must take an incredible amount of strength to avoid acting on your attractions over years and even decades. To then have your desires come bursting to the surface and to fear that by acting on them will possibly or even likely end your marriage, the lying and hiding is understandable. Not right but understandable.
My question comes in that it seems everyone here agrees that acting on your desires is not cheating but if your spouse was to do the same it would be. If I were to bring this up in counselling a therapist would either avoid the question pointing out that the question really isn’t progressing our issue or would not be able to explain her point of view as it seems only those with your feelings can understand it. Please as someone trying to understand and work through a similar situation explain to me as best you can so I can try to see her side.
Thank you for any help and I wish you all the best with each of your individual situations.
Hello All,
I’ll throw out my two cents worth as I’ve been living the frustration of being bisexual but very happily married to a very hetrosexual man. After all the years we’ve been together (35+) and very happily married for 30, I’m not at the point where I have to accept that my marriage and all its ancillary responsibilities comes first before my personal sensual desires.
I’ve commented before and even sorta ranted about feeling trapped between reality and the other reality that is inside me, ever present, every day. I’m a wife and mom and would never do anything to wreck what I have as my life today, even though I am Bisexual and desperately want to enjoy an occasional roll around in bed with another woman. I foolishly tried to sneak in a Saturday morning play date with a female friend.
At the time I thought about my husband but I was foolish and really thought I could get away with it knowing my friend would be absolutely discreet, I wrote a little about it back in 2015 and it went to hell. My husband is in law enforcement and he spends his days breaking through the lies he’s told. I’d spent the afternoon thinking back on that morning’s experience and the excitement of it somehow muted the reality of real life. I wasn’t going to tell him because I knew if she and I kept it between us he would never find out.
When he got home we sat out on our patio and talked about our day. When he asked me how my day had gone I told him it was all about a quick gym run and housekeeping and the kids. I should have known he’d see something in my face and I wasn’t making eye contact with him. I didn’t even realize he paid attention to that! I should have stopped right there as he began asking questions about where I’d been. He even gave me a chance to save myself by asking me, “So what did you do at the gym? Then what? Which machines did I use? How long was I at the gym? What time did i leave? I was stuck trying to create my non-existent workout and the time I supposedly left. He asked me how I’d managed to fit all my sets in and still be out in less than an hour. I stumbled all over myself and began to stammer. He’d ask me questions and mix up the order and I couldn’t keep track of my answers.
Then he asked, “Is it possible you left the gym earlier than you claim? You said Ten o’clock, right?” I said yes and forgot I’d initially told him 9:30. He looked me in the eyes and gave me “the look.” I was all shaken up and said, ‘I’m sorry, it was closer to 10:30, sorry.” He’d never looked at me with his interrogation stare and move to his in-close body language which adds pressure. he directly said, “I don’t know why but I know you’re lying.” He’d never said that to me! I held firm to my story until he asked me if I was at a particular apartment complex at 9:00 am. I lied and said no, asking why he’d say that. Then for the first time in our 30 years together at the time, he said, “Hey! I know a liar and I hate a liar. Please don’t make me hate you. I held firm knowing only she and I knew anything.
Then he reminded me what he does for work (as if I didn’t know) and if I forced him to play that card, things were going to go to shit and the firestorm would not stop until he either got tired or I told the truth. I defensively tried to play defensive, telling him I’m not lying. When he said, “Are ready to sacrifice everything around you for these lies? I said, I’m not lying and said he was being a “dick for no reason.” Then he asked why our Yukon was in an apartment miles from the gym and where coincidentally the same female friend lived. He’d said I could play with her as long as he was part of it all or at the very least, he’d play with me or just watch. One of his friends on patrol saw the car and its particular license plate frame and mentioned it to him a couple hours later, knowing we lives miles away from there. He told me and asked if his friend was mistaken or lying. He was going to have his friend come over and we’d all watch the auto-video in the police car. I refused to admit anything. It erupted into a huge argument with me on the defensive by trying to offensive and hoping he’d back off. We argued for three days. He had called her and thankfully she told him he was being paranoid and had no reason to get worked up.
He knew he was right and so did I.the next day I came home to him packing some of his prized possessions. Then he handed me a typed letter with my lies all laid out and he said he could deal with my lies. I knew he was serious and couldn’t live without him so I finally sat him down and confessed the whole affair, It was an experience I needed, wanted and deserved, but he was going to leave me and tell the kids why. I crumbled and finally told him everything. He laughed, saying it was like listening to a Penthouse forum letter, hot but it was ruined because of my lying. All the years of trust had been shattered and he said the pedestal upon which he’d placed me for years, had been broken. I’ve been reminded of my stupidity at least a couple times a week and during most simple conversations where I say something and want him to believe me. I fucked myself badly and it was not worth the fucking my friend and I gave each other. Even though O copped out the truth as I recalled it, he can tell I;m not telling him everything because I still need something for myself. His trust in me is forever damaged and I worry that he’s not cheating on me with other women. He’s much better at poker face than I am. I fucked myself! I hurt my husband and our marriage holds on solely because of my looks.
The bottom line is – if you cannot speak to your spouse openly and get the answer you want, do not expect he will be Mr. Understanding. I hate what I’ve done and I want to help myself by opening up and being totally honest, but I’m too far in different lies to change now. As things come to light I have to bear his anger and his loss of respect for me. To play safe I do not do anything that he may question. I deserve to have my sexual drives fulfilled even though he cannot accept unless he’s gets to watch or play too. I think he’s being unreasonable. He get everything he wants from me. I should be able to everything I want too! Frustration is not strong enough. I want to purse my Bisexual needs and go until I get caught. If he leaves, I will have begun another relationship so the shock will not really hurt.
CANT GET WHAT i WANT AND i WILL NOT GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS FROM ANOTHER GIRL It’s total impasse! I don’t deserve this!
Barbara JO.
Barbara Jo I’m so sorry you’re going through so much. I too know the pain of a marriage like yours. Sheesh I know the pain. All I can offer you is this space hun to get it all out. Your situation is so similar to so many women out there. Your story is a part of the fuel behind this space.
My heart goes out to you and I really pray your marriage improves in ways that will make it work, make it less painful, make it last. I pray you and your spouse find a middle ground that can keep you both happy and together. I really do. Sometimes that just can’t happen. My last marriage ended. Not because of my bisexuality but for me it had a lot to do with my final decision to move on. I hate to see marriages dissolve, that’s also what this space is about. Finding ways to talk about it, work through it, make your marriage work and last. I’m really hoping something somewhere in this space you can find tools to make your marriage work.
We’re here for you. Wishing you and hubby understanding, love and balance!
-Jay Dee, Founder
Barbra Jo
Just read your story and would like to comment on it from a guys point of view. Im happily married to a bi curious women. Im retired military and can relate to your husbands concerns. Try to keep in mind that his personality is that of a PROTECTOR. He wants to protect you from any harm and feels a desire to be there with you. At our age (50s) its not so much about sexual prowness anymore, its about connection. By lying to him the connection you had with him was broken, not the trust. He still trusts you. Being open and honest and non judgemental is always the best road to travel in a marriage. If he really loves you he will learn how to handle this. In his mind he is thinking two women in bed at the same time, Im still Young and a Stud, but in his heart he is thinking My Wife is Mine and no one else is going to take her away from me! You guys need to seek a sex therapist. Lay out some ground rules with the three of you. Eventually we all leave this earth for a better place and its very likely your husband will be the first to make that journey much later in life. We are not meant to be alone especially in our old age so he may find comfort knowing that you have a special female friend that will be there for you to help each other in your golden years. Comforting to know before you go. If your friend is married too then thats another issue altogether. Group discussion time.
I am a heterosexual man married to a bisexual wife for over 10 years. We have 3 kids together, and we love each other very dearly. Earlier in our relationship she was experimented with another woman who was at the time dating one of my best friends. Me and my friend would hang out in another room, while the girls did their thing in the bedroom. I know this has always been something my wife craved, and never really had a problem with it. She has admitted that she is more attracted to women than men, We had a few more experiences over the years, but only in threesomes with me.
Now fast forward to more recently. She has been a stay at home mom for over 10 years and just finished her degree in college. She decided that she wanted to find a job, which I fully supported. She found one, and has been employed there for over a year now and recently has admitted to me that she is in love with another woman who she works with. This woman is a lesbian, and recently separated from her partner. My wife regularly goes out with this girl to the bar as friends which I am fine with. This woman is very emotionally broken from her previous relationship, and my wife, feeling so close to her feels a need to “fix her”. She said it is a sort of motherly kind of love but also includes sexual urges. She tells me that it is not the same as the love she feels for me, and she wouldn’t never leave me for her, but I can’t help but feel inadequate. One night when they were out at the bar they ended up at this girls apartment. My wife told me that nothing was going to happen between them that night and that she would be home right after the bar closes. I woke up at 5 am to her not being in bed with me. I called, and she admitted she fell asleep over there and things happened. It was only kissing and light touching but nothing else because she didn’t want to take advantage of her while she was so drunk. I am internally struggling with this, because I want her to be satisfied, but at the same time I don’t want her being intimate with another person while I am not there. Her friend is a very private person, and them doing things while I am present is out of the question. It feels like she wants to start an actual relationship with this person, with long term benefits. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or how to act. I want her to be happy, I just don’t know if I want her to have a “girlfriend”. The insecurities run deep here. What if this woman pleasures her far better than I can, and she becomes unsatisfied in our sexual relationship. What if my wife wants to spend more and more time with this woman and over time realizes she would prefer to be with her more than me. There are a million more questions that run through my mind every day, and it is exhausting. I want to understand her, I want to love her the best that I can, but in the process I don’t want to lose her.
I need any advice people could give me.
Thank you.