The Fear of Loss

I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met who would like to explore bisexuality with another woman and it ain’t happening because of the fear of loss.  Most have a man – married, shacking up, etc., and losing the security in being in a relationship is of great concern and in some situations, finding themselves having to do some major damage control should homey decide to put her on blast for the relationship and then make everyone believe he was the real victim.

These two things, alone, will stop most women from cheating and, frankly, you can’t blame a woman for not wanting to put her situation in jeopardy.  Still, a lot of women have this fear of loss, fear some damage to their reputation… and decide it’s worth the risks to, at the very least, test the waters to see if getting the girlfriend they need is doable and how things are gonna have to work in order to pursue a clandestine relationship and, hopefully, without homey being the wiser.  Yes – it all sounds pretty messed up and more so when a lot of women would not look at it with much kindness if homey were to cheat on her so now it’s thinking about why you’d want to do something that you’d crucify homey for.

Believe me – it can and has been justified and the fear of loss be damned.  As such, there are three choices available:  Ask for permission, proceed without permission, and to do nothing… and any of the three can be problematic and this is almost immediately apparent when a woman is sitting and thinking about what she can do with the way she’s been feeling.  It’s enough to put a woman in a very funky mood to see that she can’t win without losing so they choose to do nothing and winds up in even more of a funky a foul mood and tends to find out – and what many bisexuals in a relationship find out – that this being married/hooked up ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

While many women will not step to the side to scratch their itch for the touch of another woman – and because of the fear of loss – many often become aware of what they’ve already lost and high up on this list is her individuality and followed by losing her right to make decisions for herself without hubby’s approval and I’m talking about “simple” things like one woman I know wanted to go to college and get the degree she always wanted… and her husband slammed the door on it so hard the “frame” cracked; he told her she didn’t need to this and there were things around the house she could do to keep her busy.  If she had a lot of female friends prior to getting married, chances are she’s gonna lose a lot of them, not because she’s now a married woman but because her husband will drive them away and with the thought that she doesn’t need anyone else in her life but him and sometimes that includes alienating her from her family.

If she’s retained her friends and under the “You ain’t ever gonna tell me who I can be friends with!” rule, maybe she can hang out with the girls, maybe she can’t because he’s gonna raise all kinds of hell so to avoid any further arguments, no hanging out with the girls.  There really did used to be a time when a man didn’t want his woman working but these days, two incomes are very much needed so at least a woman can go to work and interact with her coworkers and all that but making new friends at work, eh, that might be a problem all by itself and telling him that you and a couple of the girls at work are gonna make a pit stop for a drink after work might make him feel some kind of way.

A lot of women in this situation feel as if they don’t have a life other than the one they voluntarily conscripted themselves into.  The loss of individuality.  The loss of that sense of freedom to act on anything that may be of benefit to her.  The loss of social interaction with other women she may resonate with.  And losses that are magnified by their fear of losing him and even vilified because she has the utter gall to want more than he’s able – or willing – to give.

The bad news?  I don’t know what to tell y’all about finding a remedy to this predicament.  As a husband, well, I know what I’d do but I’m a special kind of guy and I know not all guys are like this.  I’m a bit of an advocate for female bisexuality as much as I am for male bisexuality and I kinda hate it when I have to backpedal and tell my fellow bisexuals who are trapped by the fear of loss to do their best to prevent loss… but do what you gotta do.  Being monogamous?  I’m no longer a fan and while there are benefits to being monogamous, there are more downsides to it so it’s not only bad to be trapped by that fear of loss, the trap tightens under the guise monogamous bliss which, depending on how it’s being interpreted, can result in those other losses I mentioned earlier.

Historically, women have been of a mind that if you can’t accept me as I am – and you’d better know that I’m subject to change more than the weather – then you need to keep on walking.  And the mistake guys make is that we do say that we accept a woman as they are… and in that moment… and not give a single thought to who she might be at any other point in time and, again, just forgetting and even ignoring that she’s liable and capable of changing her mind faster than the speed of light… and then, perhaps, being foolish enough to believe that we can deal with those changes.  I mean, if you’re a guy, meeting a woman you like is also like sitting on a hand grenade that has its pin pulled – you just don’t know when it’s gonna go off and some guys compare this to trying to walk through a minefield and knowing that one wrong step is gonna be a bad one.  Some of us are also stupid enough to really believe that because we’re husband, wifey is just gonna do whatever we tell them to do… or not to do and, yeah, a lot of times, that doesn’t work all that well for him.

Telling a woman what she can’t do is usually the fastest way to ensure she’s gonna do it – and sometimes out of sheer spite.  How dare you!   You ain’t my daddy and you ain’t the boss of me!  So telling her that she can’t do something that she thinks is going to benefit her, well, that’s not going to go over very well with her and especially this bisexual thing.  I’d like to say that I don’t know why more men are not of a mind to let their woman be the woman she needs to be but I’d be lying – I do know and some of it is a man’s own fear of loss which, by the way, is why so many guys bring up the much-dreaded threesome or try to put whatever she may want to do on lockdown as much as possible because he might not say it but he’s very much afraid of losing her – and losing her to another woman.

The whole model of what it means to be in a relationship needs to be seriously revised.  That “keeping only unto yourself” thing works for some, not so much for others and instead of couples working together to make their relationship the best it can be, they wind up working toward making sure they remain stuck in place and with no changes allowed.  We never, ever account for the fact that as a person, we have things we desire but one of the foibles of being in a relationship is the contention that to be in a relationship, sacrifices must be made and in the form of giving up a whole lot of things to ensure that your partner doesn’t leave you.  We all know what marriage is… but we don’t all agree on what being married means – and I’ll point out again that if you’re in a non-married relationship, the same rules apply.  Instead of a relationship being the partnership it was probably meant to be, it usually winds up being a dictatorship where one person decides that their idea of being in a relationship is the only way to be in one and, to that end, their word is law and if you don’t like it, get out.

It’s no wonder that bisexuals have the bad rap of being cheaters because the tenets of monogamy just does not allow for these kind of changes to occur without dissolving the relationship which, time and time again, I tend to point out isn’t always the smartest thing to do.  People cheat because their needs are either not being met or are being ignored… and they feel that they have no other choice than to go this route – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – because doing nothing about this can be a lot more damaging than the loss of a relationship can be.  I personally just do not understand why a man who knows his woman wants and needs another woman in her life won’t let her go about this given that a woman who gets denied this freedom tends to get… bitchy – and that’s being nice about it.  You’ve now scorned her… and you’re gonna wind up paying for it and usually along the line of the death of a thousand cuts and, oh, yeah – if you were worried about losing her, you just pretty much set yourself up for that dreaded loss to occur.

In this, there is always honor to be considered and it’s not to be taken lightly but some real-deal truth is that honor doesn’t hold a lot of water when there’s a reason to invoke Rule #1 – Take care of your own ass first.  It’s self-preservation, actually, that need to save yourself from a potentially damaging situation – and it can be an emotional need to save your ass (just as much as a physical one).  It creates a conundrum:  You don’t want to be… dishonorable but if you don’t do this, the damage to your self-esteem can be great and unrepairable… but if you do go behind homey’s back, yeah, you could lose him and it’s not in your best interest to suffer that loss.  So what do you do when doing nothing just might be quite harmful to you and your mental health?

This is where it gets iffy and perhaps a bits risky.  Ask for permission but before you even bring this to his attention, be ready to present a good argument on why you should be allowed to do this and be ready to make some concessions and some that, bleh, you might not want to make.  Don’t let him tell you that there’s no way you can be feeling the way you do; this is not some phase or silly shit like that and if you accept this, well, ladies, he’s minimizing you and implying that you don’t know how you’re feeling – but he somehow does.  Don’t let him make this all about him and know that he’s gonna do just that and don’t make the mistake in presenting this as just being about you; it’s really about the both of you and what the two of you can do to attend to this need.  Relationships aren’t just about sacrifice – they’re about compromise, too, and wanting to have a girlfriend is about compromise – giving something in order to get something and if you’re not prepared to entertain anything he might want in return, don’t say anything to him about this.

It’s not going to be easy – duh – but you can’t give up after one conversation and the smart move is to wait for a period of time and bring it up again and, yeah, pointing out some stuff that he just might be aware of, oh, like how much less you’ve been interacting with him and what being denied this is doing to your state of mind.  If you fold up like a house of cards after the first conversation, well, you’ve failed yourself and have further contributed to giving up your sense of self.  He’s gonna be pissy but you might even remind him that his job is to make and keep you happy in all things and not just the things he thinks you need.  So if you’re of a mind to ask permission, get ready for a fight and be ready to be in this fight for the long haul.  A lot of women do this because this is so important to them that giving up on it isn’t a viable option…

So guess what happens next.  Yep, you know – she does it anyway and despite the fear of loss and reprisal and the legalities be damned.  I don’t encourage women to cheat – I just know that if they have reason to, they will and I’m the guy who will tell other guys that if you don’t want her cheating on you, your best bet is to give her permission to be the woman she needs to be and learn to deal with your own sense of loss and get it out of your head that you know what’s best for her…

Because you really don’t. I say to all of you that you have the power to effect change in a situation that, by design, does not and will not allow for such changes.  I don’t know about any other husband or boyfriend but I’d rather be with a woman who is happy being the woman she is than to be with one who is supremely miserable and because my own stubbornness and, dare I say, ignorance, is responsible for the way she’s feeling and behaving.  I say to every woman reading this that if you’re not gonna stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Him?  Well, you almost know how that’s been working for you, huh?

The fear of loss is powerful… but losing yourself is even more powerful.  It’s human nature to do anything that can be done for the sake of self-preservation and this is no different.  Women don’t want to cheat any more than men really want to; I know why cheating happens and the biggest contributor to needs not being met, address, or ignored is a massive failure to communicate.  If hubby asks you what’s wrong and you say, “Nothing…” you’ve failed.  If you tell him what’s wrong and he pitches a bitch about it, he’s failed to do the one thing he needed to do:  Listen to what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.  If you’re afraid to say something to him about this because you “know” he’s gonna say no, well, hmm – he might not because you think you know him… and you might not know him as well as you think you do and no more than he thinks he really knows you.

If you don’t try, you fail.  If you don’t keep trying, you fail.  If you’re not willing to concede some stuff to get what you want, you fail.  Because in any of this, yes – it’s about you… and not really since what you do affects him as well.  And if it comes to pass that negotiation continues to fail and more… extreme measures are called for, all I can say is that I hope you have a plan and a damned good one because if you get busted, that fear of loss will become a very real thing.

 

To Continue…

That first night was hell for me.  Do you know – can you guess – how it feels to find out that you don’t know someone as well as you thought you did?  We tabled the conversation, which started around 7:30pm, close to 3:00am.  There were a lot of tears shed and my anger wanted to come to the front of the line but I knew that being angry wasn’t going to do anything toward dealing with this.  In between handling parental duties and normal home stuff, we talked… and like we’d never talked to each other before.  Secrets were revealed and to listen to how many women she’d slept with – and many right under my nose – wow; as much as it said a lot about her, it said even more about me because I never picked up on it, never questioned her when I thought something wasn’t quite right… and I believed whatever she told me.  She was my wife – why would she lie to me and keep things from me?

The days went by in a blur; in that first week alone, I maybe got a total of ten hours of sleep as I continued to process everything I had been told while trying to figure out what to do about this and leaving her and our family wasn’t an option… but I also didn’t want her running around doing stuff that I didn’t know about and be worried about whether she was safe and, yeah, what she was doing whenever I couldn’t see her.  I ran the gamut of emotions with myself and none of them felt good and the emotional strain was worse than anything I’d ever experienced.

We decided to open our marriage and it wasn’t that easy of a decision – but it was the only viable one.  We spent days hashing this out and as we did so, I knew that I still loved and needed her in my life, that throwing it all away – and starting over with someone else – wasn’t going to work for me so, in my mind, I had no other choice than to “give her permission” because I also knew that I would rather know what she was doing and who she was doing it with rather to not know.

We came up with some rules – after we had an “argument” about equity:  If she could do this, then I should be allowed to do it, too.  She insisted that this was about her but I insisted that this was about us, our love, our relationship, our future as a couple and as a family.  In my mind, we had to make this work and made it clear to her that what has already happened can’t be remedied but I wasn’t going to tolerate any “selfishness” on her part.  I know she didn’t like it but saw that, like me, she had to accept the new conditions.  The rules:

Take care of home first and this was non-negotiable.  Husbandly and wifely duties – as well as the parental ones – had to be dealt with first and foremost and without exception.  Next, well, this one was kinda simple:  Don’t bring anything home that you’re not gonna accept responsibility for, from something icky and nasty to, um, finding out that you’re gonna be a parent again.  That one was mostly on me since she couldn’t have any more children.  Next was all about communication:  If one of us has an outside encounter, it had to be talked about and in detail.  To me, this was very important because as we talked, I got the sense that this wasn’t going to go as well for her as she was thinking, especially if/when she slept with other men.  I had stressed this and told her that just talking about how good something happened was easy; the problems would be any time an encounter didn’t go well and now some damage control was in order.

This rule was also non-negotiable.  We allowed that there might be times when a spontaneous situation would pop up and it wasn’t like we’d be able to call home and tell each other what was about to happen but that made full disclosure after the fact even more important.  The communication part wasn’t just about whatever we might get into; the reason this whole thing became an epic fail was because we weren’t talking about everything that mattered and that could not be allowed to happen going forward – no more of one of us asking, “What’s wrong?” and the answer is, “Nothing.”

Next was not doing any “dirt” at home and mostly because of the children.  However, we allowed that there would be times when they wouldn’t be at home so, okay, shit happens… but let’s try to not let that take place if at all possible.

One of the things we recognized about making these rules was the need for them to be changed except for the non-negotiable ones.  We both understood that while we could control our own actions and certain situations, there are always exceptions that come up or something needs to be adjusted so the rule was if changes were needed, we had to sit down and talk about it.

Other than that, we both had a responsibility not only to each other and our family but to ourselves.  We tossed around a bunch of other rules that, under further review, didn’t make sense – I don’t remember what they were exactly but they were pretty stupid.  So with the rules put in place, there was nothing else to do but to see how this was gonna work… and I felt that at some point, this was going to bite one of us in the ass… and I wasn’t the one going to get bitten.  I knew it like I knew the back of my hand; I knew I was going to be spending a lot of time with damage control because she wasn’t going to get everything she said she was looking for and the way she wanted it.  I tried to tell her this, to warn her about this but she insisted that she could handle anything that might go sideways…

And I just didn’t believe her.  Despite all the stuff I hadn’t known about her, this was something I did know and I was very worried… but we had to see if this was going to keep us together; it had to be proven that our love for each other was, indeed, strong enough to deal with whatever happened.  I knew I had a whole lot of “growing up” to do; I mean, really – can you even begin to imagine your partner being with someone else, being pleasured and all that?  I thought that hearing about all the stuff I didn’t know was bad but hearing about her “adventures” was even worse. She tried to tell me that, eh, she did whatever and she really didn’t enjoy it and I knew she was full of shit and called her out on it, reminding her that telling the truth was paramount.  She’d tell me what she did, who she did it with and, importantly, how it made her feel and, my god, it was beyond painful and sometimes humiliating to hear her relive her moments with someone else.

I discovered something about myself:  If she didn’t have a good time, I would be totally pissed that she didn’t.  But, if she had a good time, I was strangely happy that she did.  That gave me more stuff to think about on top of all the other stuff that continued to run through my mind.  One thing had to be fixed, though:  Whenever I’d have an encounter with someone, man, did she get pissed off while I obeyed the new rules and told her everything about it.  I had asked her, “If I’m not getting pissed off with what you’re doing, does it make any damned sense for you to be pissed when I have a good time with someone else?”

She actually said, “You’re not having any fucked up situations!”  And she was right – I wasn’t.  One of the things we talked about was the greater potential for one or both of us to fall in love with someone else.  I knew – and because she told me – that she was also looking for more emotional content, not that she wasn’t getting it from me but, as she said, “I need it from someone who isn’t you.”  It took me some time to, first, not get bent out of shape about her saying this, then to understand what she meant by it.  That led me to tell her that while she’s now gonna find all the sex she can handle, finding more emotional content might not happen the way she needed it to.

In the early going, it seemed that I was having “more fun” with this than she was and as our conversations bore out.  For me, eh, it was just sex and, yes, I was having fun… and sometimes not because, you know, people just bring different things to the table.  But I wasn’t worried about having “bad sex” as much as I was very worried about the impact any bad sex would have on her and it would break my heart to hear her tell me how someone had sex with her and it didn’t make her feel good.  One other rule we had was that this openness could stop at any time – all one of us had to say was that we weren’t doing this anymore, explain why, and this would be over and done with.

And I’ll admit that I was just waiting for her to put a stop to this so I could look at her and say, “I told you so, didn’t I?”  But even though there were moments when she had to admit that I was right about the motives of others, I had to give it to her:  She was determined to do this and make it work for herself.  One day, oh, maybe a year later, we were sitting and talking about the state of the relationship and it came to light that she had had more encounters than I had… a lot more.  It wasn’t a problem but it was curious and I had asked her, “Have you found what you’re really looking for?”

She said that she hadn’t and that every time she thought she had, she was just a piece of ass for someone – and she didn’t like it one bit… but I had also warned her about this, too.  I didn’t think this bothered her as much as realizing that in this, I had been right all along but, again, she was determined to keep going with this.

And I was still waiting for her to call it quits.  I spent a lot of time comforting her in those times something didn’t go the way she expected or wanted; I’d point out where she went “wrong” in her decision making process and, importantly, kept trying to impress upon her that having such expectations were more of a problem; if you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed by whatever doesn’t happen.  I just don’t think she was able to not let her expectations run things for her.

I had my hands full with this and there were times when I’d find myself just sitting and questioning the decision to do things in this way.  Don’t get me wrong – our lives were actually better because we agreed to do this and she was happy… most of the time but when she was unhappy, that just made things harder on me.  I don’t recall any other time in my life where I spent so much time inside my own head and to the point where it would often distract me, like the one time I drove right through a red light because I had all of this heavily on my mind.  Nothing bad happened but still – I had to get a strong grip on myself just the same.

And it just wasn’t easy.  My mind would often slip back to “the way things are supposed to be” even though I’d learned a very hard lesson that the way things are supposed to be doesn’t mean shit when faced with the way things can be.  Our marriage vows?  Pretty much set us up to fail since those vows don’t make any room for something like this to happen.  What eased my mind a lot of times was remembering something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married:  Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.  She had went on to say that if you two really love each other as much as you say you do, you will make being married to each other work – because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

We found a way to make it work… by trashing every rule in the book about being married and all that “keeping only unto yourselves” part.  It still hurt me to the core to know that I wasn’t everything she could ever want and need and I felt like an idiot because I really thought I was everything she was ever gonna want and need… and I was wrong.  I could have left her, forced a divorce on her but in an odd way, this was a matter of honor for me.  As I previous said, I swore to her that short of doing something that would land me in jail, I would do everything in my power to make and keep her happy so for me to not go along with this open marriage thing would have been a major hit to my core beliefs and what it meant to me to be in love with someone.  What had happened wasn’t fair to me but, okay, even if she wasn’t going to be “true and faithful” to me or herself, I had to be true and faithful to myself at this level.

None of this was easy in the beginning… but giving it all up was the worse thing we could have done.  And our lives went on with this new thing in place but there was never a time when how we got to this place wasn’t bouncing around inside my head and most of the time, it didn’t make me feel good.

I’m sharing this moment in my life to send a message to all of those husbands, boyfriends, and fiances that there are some promises that, if made, should never be broken, like telling your lady that you love her and you’d do “anything” for her because if she comes to you with her need and desire for another woman, telling her that this is something you ain’t gonna do pretty much means you lied to her and you didn’t really mean what you said about loving her and wanting to take care of her needs… because she has a need that, as a man, you can’t do a damned thing about.  I’m sharing this to let you know that I know what this feels like, what it makes you think – you just wanna get away from her and, yeah, even think about doing her some kind of harm and if you do, well, you’re an asshole of the highest order.  To the bisexual women, I’m sharing this to illustrate that if you don’t stand your ground and ask for that which you need so you can be happy and more of a complete person, yeah – it might get you in trouble with your man – but the damage to yourself even much worse than him getting pissed off because you hit him with the truth:  He’s what you want and need… but he’s not everything you want and need.

If you don’t stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to do it?  I get it:  You bring this to him and bad stuff could happen like he dumps you and you’d rather not want that to happen.  I get it:  If he starts that threesome shit, eh, maybe you’re feeling it, most likely you’re not; you’d like this better if he kept his nose out of it and not try to run your life when it comes to this.  But understand that there are a lot of guys who feel they have to do this and because they’re afraid of a lot of things, like you leaving him for a woman, that he’s gonna feel inadequate and even angry that, again, he’s not all you need.  Understand that, sure enough, he’s gonna “put his foot down” and forbid you to even think about this and you’d better not mention it again.  And I know there are a lot of you who are gonna fold like a piece of paper and do as he’s ordered you to do because your own fear of loss is running wild and out of control.

I get it.  Been there.  Experienced it.  Hated to learn the truth about someone I thought I knew very well.  Loved her just the same.  Unwilling to throw her away because I couldn’t adjust my thinking and, again, importantly, unwilling to go back on my word, promise and vow to make and keep her happy no matter what.  This didn’t start out as being about me… but it was very much about me as well and I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to deal with not knowing she was out there doing whatever and any time I couldn’t lay eyes on her or otherwise didn’t know where she was.  My trust in her was shattered but I knew that if we were going to stay together, I had to relearn how to trust her and trust that she was going to do the best thing for herself… and us.

And I still have to live with the fact that I screwed the pooch just as much as she did.  I’m sharing this to, in a way, confirm that this is about as bad as anything can get in a relationship but to also send a message and an important one – and it comes in the form of a question:  How do you keep your partner from cheating on you?  The answer is to remove those things that allows cheating to come about… and some of the things that has to be done takes the rulebook on being in a relationship and throws it away… because you both have a responsibility to make your relationship as good as it can possibly be and no matter what gets in the way of this.

It’s about you… and it isn’t.  Don’t get it into your head that she doesn’t love or need you but, yeah, she needs something you’re just not equipped to provide but, yeah, you could give it to her and because your love for her almost demands that you do.  All that crap about what being married is supposed to be?  It is crap; it’s someone else’s idea of what it means to be married and that idea just does not allow for things like this or, really, any other things one or both of you might find that you need to be a better version of yourself and, in turn, being a better husband.  I’m sharing this to tell all of you that this ain’t even close to being easy; it will test the strength of your love for each other, invalidate everything you thought you knew about being in a relationship and, I think, importantly, will let you know just how grown up you are… and maybe that you’re not as grown up or open-minded as you believed yourself to be.  Think you know all there is to know about your partner?  I know that you don’t and I even know why you don’t and, basically, it’s because she afraid to tell you and she won’t because she’s pretty sure you’re gonna act like an asshole, get all insulted and try to make this about you.

I get it – that’s just really a normal reaction but I’ve shared this and I’m here today to tell you that if you love her and you want your relationship to stay intact, change the way you look at things and those changes will not be easy.  If not, I can pretty much guarantee that you’re gonna find yourself living with a very miserable person – and that’s being nice about it.  By denying her, she’s gonna change the way she looks at how, how she feels about you and none of it is going to be good.  And do you really want to lose her and over something that is within your power to prevent?

Most people will not do a damned thing and let the relationship die… and you gotta ask yourselves if this really makes sense.  I learned that it doesn’t.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

From a Husband’s Point of View…

…I can understand why a lot of husbands and boyfriends/fiances lose their mind when they find out that their lady needs more than what they’re already getting.  Yesterday, I told you a bit of what I experienced and today I hope to give a bit more insight to my thoughts and emotions in the moment that, first, my suspicions about her sexuality were confirmed and, second, that I really wasn’t enough for her.

It’s like getting kicked in the crotch by someone wearing steel-toed boots.  Promises were made, vows were sworn to before God and company and staying true to these things are traditional and expected.  The only bit of comfort came when I could push my emotional trauma aside long enough to pick up on that what I was being told didn’t have anything to do with me other than the stone-cold fact that I’m not female.  I mean, how dare she prove something to me that I was “happy” just suspecting!  I even saw a flaw in my perceptions because that prison thing I told you about?  It was, indeed, proof of my suspicions even though, as I had said, she wasn’t a “willing participant” and I even totally bought into her explanation of why she didn’t report it.  So with a plausible explanation, I just put that particular thing out of my mind, just to get kicked in the crotch with some harsh reality.

Beyond angry.  Confused.  Ego pulverized into unrecognizable pieces.  My mind was a storm of thoughts including some rational ones:  Whenever I’d ask her about this, why wouldn’t she just tell me what was going on with her?  Why wouldn’t she believe me when I’d told her all those many times that she can talk to me about anything and even if something makes me angry, I will keep my cool and listen and because that’s what you’re supposed to in those kinds of situations.

She liked women and pussy!  What the fuck?  Wait, that’s a good thing, ain’t it, since you’ve suspected it for years.  But, damn – how could she cheat on me like this?  You knew something wasn’t right, too, and you didn’t do enough to find out what wasn’t right; you just let her give you some half-assed explanation for what you’d been seeing and let it go so, in a way, this is just as much your fault as it is hers.

Yep… think about that one for a moment.  My gut had been telling me all along that she was doing some stuff she shouldn’t have been doing and the one time I should have trusted my gut 100%, I didn’t – I trusted her to tell me the truth – and she didn’t.  We both failed and the more I sat there listening to her finally telling it all, the more it hurt, the more angry I got – at her and at myself – and, man, I had one hell of a headache to go along with the terrible heartache I was now feeling.

Not enough for her when we vowed to only be all that each other would ever need.  That echo of male ego ranting and raving inside my head about being dissed like this, feeling the fire and brimstone of Old Testament stuff burning me alive on the inside as well as that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” shit that for as long as I can remember, married men tended to hold over their wives’ head even though I never really believed in that rubbish but still.  She promised to be faithful… and she wasn’t… and was being unfaithful right under my nose.  And the greatest pain of understanding that just when you think you know someone well, you find out that you didn’t know a damned thing.

Because I didn’t know this.  Well, I did.  But I didn’t.  As she talked, everything that, at the time I thought about it, didn’t make sense was now making a whole lot of sense.  A detached part of myself is watching her; she’s clearly upset but determined to have her say, tears running down her face out of whatever sense of frustration she felt.  I felt… inadequate.  Helpless.  And the pain kept coming to find out that one of the women she cheated on me with was someone I went to junior high and high school with and someone else I thought I knew well since we were in the same classes and all that.

I could feel myself calming down as I began to think about whether I was being furious about her… or being mad with myself by not being more assertive – not aggressive – with her about my suspicions and being more and effectively communicative.  Still, I felt defeated, betrayed, everything I thought I knew about her was proven to be from way off based to down right wrong.  This ain’t the way things are supposed to be… and this is the way things are.  Was she wrong?  Sure she was – she broke the faith and trashed her vows and for what?  Pussy?  Even a chance to sleep with some guy who caught her eye and got her juices flowing?  What did this say about me as man and husband?  Inadequate?  Unequal to the tasks at hand?

God, I wanted to… be violent.  Crawl under a rock.  Something – anything other than to sit there and listen to her telling me that I had completely ignored all of her needs, even if I merely suspected she had that other need.  I should have done something, should have said something, shouldn’t have taken her “explanations” at face value and, in an odd way, shouldn’t have trusted her to tell the truth and only the truth… but she was telling me the truth now so that had to count for something, didn’t it, even if it was closing the barn door after the cows had already hauled ass?

Yes.  No.  Damn it, I don’t know anymore.  She had stopped talking and I thought that now’s my chance to give voice to all I was feeling and thinking… but she wasn’t done talking… and now I got to hear the very painful and humiliating facts that while she still believed that I was good in bed with her, I wasn’t all that good when going down on her.  Not even close.  The anger returned as she went into great detail of every damned time she slept with a woman and how it made her feel and while she probably spared what feelings I had left by not doing a direct comparison in that sense, I could tell by what she was saying and how she was saying it that, compared to the women she’d been sleeping with, I was a rank amateur and maybe worse than that when it came to giving her that kind of sexual pleasure.

Was this the end of all that we had together?  Was she gonna leave me for someone else?  You kinda accept the fact that you could lose your wife to another man… but am I about to lose her to a woman?  What was left of my ego couldn’t begin to fathom or accept this “impossibility” but as the details kept pouring out of her, my mind said, “Well, I guess it’s true:  If you don’t take care of your woman, someone else can and will… you just didn’t think that it would be another woman, huh?”

The pain.  The agony.  Proof that the truth hurts and more than one can begin to imagine.  I was now so much inside my own head that I wasn’t even listening to her and, as such, didn’t even realize that she had stopped talking until she shook me and asked, “Are you gonna say something?”

You’re damned right I’m gonna say something!  I took a deep breath, ready to unleash all the hurt and pain I was feelings and in no uncertain terms.  My mouth opened and I heard myself say, “What do we do about this?”

Huh?  That’s not what I wanted to say!  I wanted to cuss her out, let her know how much she had fucked shit up between us!  Make her hear my pain and anguish, and “hit” her with all the threats my mind had lined up to deliver… and that is just not what I did and, now more worse, I was asking, “What do you want to do about this?”

Why didn’t I lose my ever-loving mind?  Because I loved her despite all that I’d been made to listen to.  Loved her with all my heart and soul, well, what what heart I had left since it had just gotten chopped up into little tiny pieces.  This wasn’t totally her fault – it was mine, too, and I knew it and that, believe it or not, messed with me more than what I’d been listening to.  I failed – period.  Saw the signs, didn’t do much of anything about them.  Failed to communicate.

Damn.  And if things weren’t bad enough, when I stood up to stretch, she flinched and literally jumped back… because she actually thought I was going to hit her!  That made me feel lower than low because I’d never hit her – real men do not beat on their woman.  I need to let go of my anger, to let my intelligence come back to the front and work the problem so that a solution could be found; violence and ugly words were not going to solve anything and I needed time to think, to get my head back on my shoulders and I knew saying something like, “We’ll talk about this later” would be yet another huge mistake on my part so to get the time I needed to organize my thoughts and to settle myself down, um, I went to the bathroom… because I really had to pee.

To be continued.

KDaddy23 – Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

Just Chill, Bro…

It was the summer of 1978 and I’m sitting on the front steps of my house, enjoying the summer heat and the fact the the kids were with their grandmother and giving her more grey hair.  My wife was hanging with one of her girl friends and it was kinda nice having so much alone time.  As I watched the traffic on the very busy street go rushing by, I happened to look up the street to see the husband of the woman my wife went to visit headed my way and he looked like he was in one hell of a hurry.

I wondered why and more so when he just stepped off the curb to cross the street and almost got hit by a car; something must be very wrong.

“You know you almost got hit, don’t you?” I asked as he first stopped, then sat down next to me on the step.

“I did?” he asked.  “Look – we need to talk.”

“Okay, so talk,” I said – whatever was up with him must have been terribly important for him to gloss over the fact he almost became roadkill.

“I don’t know how to say this,” he said.

“Just say it,” I said.

“I saw your wife having sex with my wife!” he blurted out.

“Okay…” I prompted and while I hadn’t known that’s why she went to visit, well, I wasn’t surprised.  We were into maybe our third week or so of being open and with her new-found freedom, that she was “making up for lost time” just really didn’t surprise me.

“Okay?  Is that all you have to say?” he asked.  “I didn’t know any of this was going on!  What are you gonna do about it?”

“Nothing,” I said.  “I didn’t know either but I’m not surprised since they do get along quite well with each other.”

He looked at me as if I’d just stepped off the first alien spaceship and asked him to take me to his leaders.  He was angry and confused and I’m pretty sure my nonchalant answers and attitude wasn’t making him feel any better about what he had apparently stumbled upon.

“Nothing?  Dude, they were eating each other like there was no tomorrow!  I didn’t even know my wife was into that shit!  How can you let your wife do shit like that?”

“Because I can’t stop her from doing it,” I said.  “Believe me – when I found out she was cheating on me with other women, I had a few kittens myself,” I said.  “I’ll give you the short version:  She gave me an ultimatum – let her do this or she was gonna do it anyway and I decided that I’d rather know what she was doing and who she was doing it with than to not know, and then find myself being paranoid and worried any time she was out of my sight.”

“I don’t believe this shit,” he said.  “You mean to tell me you allow her to have sex with other people?”

“Yep, I do,” I said.  “Like I said, she made it clear to me that she was gonna do it with or without my permission.  Hey, do you want a beer?  You look like you could use one.”

He said that he did and I went inside to get a couple of beers and thinking about how I could settle him down before he decided to go back home and do or say something he was going to regret, that and I was now concerned about my wife’s safety.  I returned with the beers and handed him one; he downed maybe half of it before I even got mine opened.

“So what the fuck am I supposed to do about this?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I said.  “You could go home and raise all kinds of hell with her but I think that instead of her feeling chastised and all that, you’re probably gonna give her a reason to do more of it.  Look, I know this is one hell of a shock for you but one thing I can tell you is that if our wives are doing the deed with each other, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.  It’s not that she doesn’t love or need you and I think we both know how much she loves having sex with you.”

And I knew this because she told us one time when we were at their home for dinner.

“It’s not like the two of them are gonna run away with each other,” I continued.  “And, yeah – chances are good that your lady has either always been into this or wanted to be; otherwise, you wouldn’t have seen what you saw.”

“But what about me?  Man, this shit hurts like a mug!” he said, crushing the now empty can in his hand.

“It’s not about you,” I said again.  “I know it hurts and I know what it feels like.  Is she neglecting you?  Not doing the stuff she needs to be doing?  Has she been kinda edgy, you know, like maybe she wanted to talk to you about something but you’ve asked her what was wrong and she said, “Nothing…”?”

He sat up straighter and blinked a few times before asking, “Yeah… but how do you know this?”

“Because when I had a chance to think about it, my wife was behaving the same way,” I said.  “I just didn’t connect the dots and I didn’t push for any answers because I knew she’d just keep stonewalling me.”

“How’d you find out?” he asked.

“She told me,” I said, remembering my own shock when she just came out and told me what she’d been doing.  “To be honest, though, I suspected she was messing around on me – there was a lot of things that weren’t making sense to me, that and I had always suspected that she liked girls – but I couldn’t prove anything.”  On my part, that was a bit of a tiny white lie because I knew, when she had to go to prison, she was getting busy with her cellmate but went out of her way to tell me that it wasn’t all that voluntary – and I didn’t really believe her but, again, no proof.  But I wasn’t going to tell him that, though.

“Shit,” he said, shaking his head.  “Weren’t you pissed off?”

“Of course I was,” I said.  “Pissed off, hurt, confused – pick something.  And the more she talked, the more it hurt.”

“How come you didn’t leave her or throw her out?” he asked.

“Seriously?  And throw away everything we’d built together?  Get separated from my children?  Go back on the promise I made to listen to whatever she had to tell me?” I asked.  “Don’t get me wrong – it crossed my mind but I had to hear her out before I made a rash decision.”

“You’re a better man than I am right now,” he said.

“I don’t know about that but what I do know is that it really is better knowing what’s going on that not knowing,” I said.

“I guess you have a point but, dude, they’re still in bed going at each other!  How does that make you feel?” he asked.

“Pretty excited and horny,” I said truthfully.  “I can’t wait for her to get home so I can hear all the juicy details!”

“What?” he asked, sitting up so fast he almost fell off of the step.

“Yeah, that was part of the deal we made:  If and/or when she does something, she has to come home and tell me everything,” I said.

“Jesus…” he said.  “How can you listen to that shit?”

“At first, it wasn’t easy,” I said.  “When it comes to this, you just know that you’re rocking her world in bed and it’s all good… then you find out that while she loves having sex with you, well, let’s just say that I wasn’t equipped to give her all the satisfaction she needed.  It cut me deep to listen to her tell me about how good some babe ate her out and made her feel and can you imagine how I felt hearing her telling me that while I was good at going down on her, nothing I did could compare to what a woman could do?”

“And you were okay with that?” he asked.

“At first, no – I can’t even start to tell you how badly my heart – and my ego got crushed and pulverized,” I said.  “But I had to put it out of my mind and focus on the really important thing.”

“What was that?” he asked.

“She was happy,” I said.  “She was more… energized, really getting into dealing with the kids more, not being all moody and grumpy and biting me in the ass over little things or for no good reason.  I might not have liked hearing about what she was doing but I had to admit that I very much liked the results.”

“I don’t know how you can deal with this shit,” he said.

“Because I have to.  I love her and because of this, I love her even more than ever before.  Back when we fell in love, I told her that I’d do anything for her – as long as it wasn’t gonna land me in jail, mind you – and for me to go back on that promise just didn’t make sense to me because if I did, it would tell her that I don’t love her as much as I say I do.  So I deal with it.  I’ve gotten over the pain of listening to her tell me about having sex with other people, both the good and bad of it.  It’s not easy… it just has to be done.”

“What do you get out of it?” he asked.

“Whatever I want,” I said.  “What’s good for the gander is good for the goose or, if she can do this, then I should be allowed to do it, too.”

“Do you?” he asked.

“Every chance I get,” I said.

“Holy shit, man – are you for real?”

“I have no reason to lie to you about it,” I said with a shrug.  “You’re now aware of the same thing I became aware of so lying to you about this ain’t gonna help you one bit, is it?  My brother, I know this is hard to hear and to know about but if I were you – and I was you at one point – I’d just go with it.  Sit with her and y’all need to talk like you’ve never talked before and, just saying, if you love her as much as you say you do, you’ll find a way to be okay with this.”

“But aren’t you worried that she’s gonna leave you?” he asked.

“It’s a real possibility but one I don’t worry about,” I said.  “I know what she’s doing when she goes out and who she’s doing it with… but the most important thing is that no matter what she does or who she’s doing it with, she still comes home to me each and ever time.”

“Damn…” he said.

I heard a horn blow and turned to look in that direction – and saw my wife and his coming down the street.  I thought, “Okay… shit is about to get real…”

Our wives approached us, took one look at him and somehow knew that something wasn’t right; I gave my wife a “he knows” kind of look and before anyone could say anything I said, “I think the four of us need to go inside and have a long talk…”

The four of us spent almost eight hours talking and it wasn’t pretty… at first.  Lots of yelling, tears being shed but I finally managed to settle things down so that the real conversation could take place and before they finally went home, they’d hashed out their own rules for being open.   At one point – and the point where his wife said that if he wanted to get some on the side, he could, he said that he didn’t think he could do it; I told him that he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to – just understand that if you did, you can – and it’s not going to trash your marriage like you’re still thinking all of this will.

We saw them almost a month later and the specifically came to see us to give us a report on how they were doing with this being open thing – and they were, to my surprise, doing very well.  The other reason why they came to see us was to ask if we’d be interested in having sex with them, something my wife and I had anticipated and talked about.

But that’s another story for another time.  I shared this with you because being able to do something like this can happen but it’s not even close to being easy getting one’s head around any of it.  I gave him huge props for coming right to me to tell me what he had seen that that – makes sense since he had no idea that I knew what I knew.  I gave him bigger props for chilling out and listening to what had to say, more and more props for not totally flipping out when the four of us sat and talked.  Oh, he was hurt big time but still more props for keeping his cool enough to understand that his wife – and mine – had needs that, as a man, we couldn’t do anything about… except to “let them” have what they needed while understanding that instead of ruining things, it can make things better, bring them closer together and, importantly, love each other more and the odd comfort of know that there are no more secrets between them.

Not all situations like this go well – but I’m not here today to share horror stories and I’ve heard a lot of them. No, I’m here to relate to everyone here that with the right mindset, the impossible can be made possible.  It’s pretty simple:  Sometimes, a woman needs something no man can ever give them and denying it just isn’t going to do her any good.  How do you keep your woman from cheating on you?  Give her permission to explore things and, yeah, negotiate to do some exploring of your own and then make very damned sure that you both work toward being like this to make your relationship better because this shouldn’t be just about her or even you:  This has to be for the both of you so that you can grow together and, yes, love together.

We made it work because we had to make it work; this couple also made it work for them.  It can be done.

KDaddy23, Fellow Bisexual and Contributing Author

What Problems Do Bisexual Women Have?

Most of the time, I hear about all the problems men have with bisexuality – and there are a slew of them, from the social stigma to those a lot of guys create for themselves.  What is not more… widely known are the problems bisexual women have and I guess we don’t hear a lot about them because many women aren’t of a mind to talk about them, that and, eh, it’s just assumed that women are okay with it anyway so what problems do they have?

Having been married to a bisexual woman, whew!  I used to think that as a bisexual man, I had a lot of stuff to deal with but in talking to my wife, whatever problems I thought I had were insignificant by comparison.   First, there’s the common problem of finding another woman to be with but, okay, while most people think that women have it easier finding someone to be intimate with, it’s not that easy; my wife would tell me of all the times she knew another woman was bisexual and they’d agree that they should do something… then nothing happens.

Guys have this problem, too, and despite what many think about bisexual men.

I know how my wife got put on the bisexual path and to hear her tell it, it was traumatizing to be made to have sex with the girl who, by my wife’s admission, “turned her out.”  She liked it – just didn’t like how it happened and as in most traumatizing situations, getting past it became a great inhibitor.  She’d tell me of all the times (after that first time) a girl would hit on her, she’d want to do it – and didn’t… then how pissed off she was because she let the opportunity go by untouched.

Was she worried about being seen as a man-hating lesbian?  Yep!  Indeed, the boyfriends she had before we met got totally pissed off because she wouldn’t have sex with them so in their minds, she was just another one of those man-hating lezzies and they dumped her, which explained why after we met, she was hesitant to even admit to me that she knew something about this.  But we did and I was finding out all kinds of reasons why she wasn’t getting jiggy with other women as much as she wanted and needed to, including both self-esteem and body image issues.  She wasn’t fat – she was just chubby, big-breasted, and she wore glasses but somewhere along the line someone got it into her head that nobody would ever want her.

I can’t begin to tell you how long it took for me to disabuse her of this and how angry I was that some unknown folks had messed her head up like this.  But this was only scratching the surface.  We were talking about women and she said, “You know there’s a reason why women are catty and bitchy with each other, don’t you?  It’s because we’re competitive, we can be two-faced – being your best friend in the whole world but will talk about you like a dog behind your back and, worse, they’ll put your business out in the street just for the fun of it.”

I knew this but, yeah, I could see how this could get in the way of getting to know another girl enough so that maybe some sex could happen.  She told me of the heartbreak and shame she felt when she had a “relationship” with a girl and it was all good… right up to the moment when the girl told everyone she knew everything they had been doing and, of course, she found herself being called a lesbian and otherwise ridiculed even though some of her peers that were tormenting her knew their way around a coochie, too.

Boyfriends and husbands.  Even though I was the first guy she’d ever met that was okay with her liking women, my god – she would tell me horror stories about the other girls she knew who were like her and how their boyfriends treated them and I found out more about husbands after we got married and now we had more married folks in our circle of friends than single ones and the picture that was painted was, for lack of a better word, ugly.

Indeed, some time later, I’d meet a woman who told me that she wanted to find out a couple of things:  What it was like to have a threesome and what it was like to have sex with a woman.  The threesome with her husband happened – at his insistence – and she was having one hell of a good time making love to the woman who joined them, something her husband took great offense to because, of course, he though the threesome was about him and the end result?  He beat her and broke her jaw.

I don’t know how many women I’ve come across who wanted to explore their desire for women but couldn’t… because that wonderful, understanding guy they got involved with proved to be anything but – and I know a lot of you here knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Slut shaming.  It’s bad enough that our childish society is of a mind that a woman who freely and frequently engages in sex – and for the sake of getting laid – is seen as being a slut; add being bisexual to the mix and not only is she more of a slut, chances are she’s really a “fake bitch” and pretending to be bisexual to get their hooks into a man and with the assumption that men just love women who love women as well.  Yeah… not so much, actually although for a lot of men, yep, that’s some pretty hot shit… as long as it’s not their woman engaging in such hotness.  I’ve heard women talk about having this discussion with their man and wind up being told, “Ain’t I enough for you?”

Um, hmm, apparently not, homey since you’re not a woman and you’re stupid enough to believe that all women only need a dick to make and keep them sexually – and emotionally – happy.

This combined with social stigma – and there is some even though we readily accept that if “Grace” is with a man but she’s got a female lover, well, that makes sense since men are historically inept at taking care of all of a woman’s needs in this… unless she’s man-chasing “fake bitch” and maybe even a lesbian who’s in denial.  Tack on the horror stories that abound as well as any trauma a woman may have experienced in this and, well, women just clam up about it.  They keep their wants and desires bottled up and decide that they’re never gonna be able to do anything about them and many are aware that by taking this stance, they’re not doing their mental health one bit of good.

Just like a lot of bi guys in a relationship, bi women aren’t going to ask their partner for permission to take care of this other need they have – they just know the answer is not just gonna be no but hell, no! – and followed by warnings and threats about leaving them.  This is disheartening and a lot of women will just give this up for themselves… and, realistically, some women are of a mind that what he doesn’t know ain’t gonna hurt him and, if it does, it sucks to be him – he should have given her permission when she asked for it.

No one really wants to cheat… but people will when they have reason to.  That’s why my wife cheated on me with another woman – quite a few women, as it turned out – but it also led to us having an open marriage because I would have preferred to know what she was doing and who she was doing it with than to not know.  When all of that got started, my goodness – she was a very happy camper – well, when the person she chose to sleep with wasn’t a guy (but I had told her some stuff about that).  For her – and I think for a lot of bi gals – it wasn’t just about the sex but having that special bond with another woman that most men cannot begin to understand.  So while she was getting a lot of coochie, she was still missing that emotional component and that made sense to me given how more emotional women are than men.

And it bothered her that a lot of women would find she was great to sleep with… and not much more than that.  It pained me to see how much this bothered her and there wasn’t much I could do or say about it other than to tell her to keep looking.  She eventually met a woman that she fell in love with and, holy crap – invited her to join our family by sending me to her one night to make love to her.  It didn’t take very long for my wife’s desire to make love to our new girlfriend/lover – and a woman who had never given a single thought toward being with another woman – and the night that happened, I just knew the shit was going to hit the fan – and it didn’t.  Our girlfriend/lover told me, at one point, that she was, indeed, in love with my wife and I thought that, finally, my wife’s emotional needs in this were finally taken care of.

And I was wrong about that… and things got messy going forward and over a span of twenty years.  Oh, they were very much in love with each other and they would have sex with each other… as long as I was present.  It added another thing to the list of problems bisexual women have I was becoming aware of and one to this day I never figured out how to address.  I understood that when a woman has another woman as a lover, well, some “just us” time is expected as a matter of course but if that doesn’t happen as expected, yeah – problem.  It amazed me to see two women so much in love with each other have such turmoil between them, not to mention the affect it had on the relationship and how stubborn they both were about resolving this issue between them.

If nothing else, I got to understand how difficult it can be for a woman to be bisexual even when all the “right pieces” are in place.  Lots of self-doubt, more self-esteem issues; boyfriends/husbands who say that they’ll do anything for the woman they love… except allow her to explore her desire for women – unless he can be involved in the now much-dreaded threesome.  Even in this, eh, some women actually don’t mind having one… as long as they can feed their need for the other woman without homey getting between them too much and since guys are assholes like that – most, but not all to be for real about it – they’d rather go about this in that “just the two of us” way… but homey ain’t likely to want to hear or agree to this.

I’ve seen some of the problems with my wife and other women I personally know… and while I’m a pretty smart guy and pretty good at finding solutions to things, I just do not know what a bi gal has to do to not have the problems their sexuality is going to present to them.  There’s always that fear of rejection:  You meet this one woman who pushes all of your good buttons, drop some hints (or whatever) about being intimate… and then get summarily rejected.  Some women – and just like men – can discover bisexuality later on in life but, again, now she’s in a relationship with a guy who isn’t very damned likely to want to hear about this new thing about her, let alone give her the freedom to do anything about it – and then berating the daylights out of her because she needs something he’s physically incapable of giving her.

To cheat or not to cheat?  Tough question because most women aren’t willing to put their relationship in jeopardy but wind up making themselves even more miserable and, as previously mentioned, some women make the hard decision and pretty much say, “Fuck this shit – I’m getting what I need before I really do make myself crazy…”  That finding a woman problem?  For the longest time, my wife wouldn’t even try to find a compatible girlfriend, making me ask her, “Do you really expect such a woman to just fall out of the sky and into your arms?  Why won’t you look for her?”  Again, tons of self-doubt, fears of rejection, rehashing self-esteem and body image issues – the list goes on and on.

And it makes me ask women why they’d want to keep beating themselves up about this – but I know why and it just breaks my heart and eats at my soul to see so many women being deprived of that which can make them a more whole and complete person, even if she’s in a relationship.  It makes me tell husbands/boyfriends that, look, for you to think that you’re all she’s ever gonna need is pretty narrow-minded and naive, dude; if you love her, if you care about her feelings and those other things that makes her happy, you’d be smart to let her get what she needs because if she can get it, she’s gonna be happier and you’re still gonna benefit by having a happy woman… instead of one who is totally pissed off and who’s gonna make living with her your worst nightmare.

So what’s the answer?  I really don’t know and I don’t like that I don’t know.  It’s easy to say, “If you want this, ladies, go get it!” because, again, that’s not as easy as it sounds.  Again, many women are not going to put their relationship at risk by asking for permission or, yeah, getting a chick on the side without that permission.  Past trauma?  Women have a hard time getting past such stuff and you can’t just say to them to get over it or just because it was fucked up back then doesn’t mean it’s gonna be fucked up now.  Self-esteem and body image issues?  Yeah… good luck dealing with that one and even when, at least on the surface, there’s nothing wrong with you – you just think there is and because you do, you believe that no other woman is going to find you desirable.

Guys go through this, too – and there are still no easy answers or solutions to the many problems bisexuality brings to the table and, some inside information for ya:  Guys really do make themselves insane over this and really take it to the extreme. Being bisexual brings problems and now it’s a question of what a bisexual woman is willing to do in order to solve those problems so that she can be happy about herself… and the sad part is that the answer is usually…

Nothing.  But I say to all of you who are having problems being bisexual that you – and you alone – are responsible for your own sexual and emotional happiness and that, yeah, by any means necessary, you need to take ownership of that responsibility because, duh, there are very few people who are of a mind to handle it for you… because they’re not supposed to.  If you choose not to address any of the problems, you have the right not to but there are consequences, like being a very miserable puppy and that misery winding up infecting and affecting your relationship.  It can lead to great bouts of depression, being angry, edgy and can even steal your joy of having “normal” sex because while it can be good, shit – it’s not everything that you really need.

I see the problems and I have few, little or no answers except to say if you value yourself – and you should – do what you gotta do.

KDaddy23 – Contributing Author and “fellow” bisexual.

What Will 2020 Bring?

Two days remain in the decade and it seems to me that 2019 was a serious breakout year for bisexuality with more people discovering bisexuality to asking many questions about it, to shifting some mental energy toward how to explore it.  I normally see a lot of men talking about this but there are more women “stepping up” and letting their desires be known and doing their best to take more responsibility of their emotional and physical satisfaction.

I’ve seen more “new” bisexuals, men and women who were once silent but now they’re speaking up.  Many know what they want and need while many more seek advice as to what direction they can – and maybe should – go in should they find that they’re able to take the plunge and find out what so many bisexuals have found out:

Being bisexual ain’t really all that bad.  It’s not that there are so many bisexuals willing to leap into the pool; it’s a lot of bisexuals, well, complaining about not being able to find someone they can be intimate in this way.  A lot of women are lining up to dive in – more than I’ve seen or have known about in a while – but the brick wall of being in a relationship with a man has made being able to express themselves just as difficult as it has always been… but women are being more assertive in this and, at times, deciding that the man who would deny them what they need to be happy  is a man they don’t need to be bothered with.

2019 has shown me a few more differences between bisexual men and women who are stuck in place because of their current relationships.  A lot of men are willing to bring their wives/girlfriends along for the ride while this isn’t so much the case for women, who have to deal with that guy who – and I’ll say stupidly or wishfully – thinks that a bisexual woman means that threesomes are on the horizon.  I see men asking their women for permission and getting shut down; women ask for permission and, yeah, it’s threesome time and for both, this is pretty frustrating and, if one can find a modicum of comfort from this aggravating situation, just know that this problem is a very old one that’s very difficult to solve.

Just as old is this very important question:  What are you willing to do to get what you want and need?  Sadly, the answer for many in 2019 has been, “Nothing…” and I wonder if 2020 is going to be the year where those people who would answer, “Nothing…” to this question will decide that the answer to this question should not ever be, “Nothing…”  Maybe those folks will have to make some hard decisions, to make some concessions in order to be able to express themselves in this way; maybe it’s time to take the rule book and throw it out of the window and work toward being able to have one’s cake and eat it, too – and as a lot of couples are actually doing and have done in 2019?  And, yes, maybe, there will be many who will make the decision that what their partner doesn’t know ain’t gonna hurt them, well, unless their activities get discovered.  I maintain that few people want to go this route but in 2019, I’ve heard of many who have and simply because in their minds, they have no other choice in the matter and it has always been true that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

The overall angst against bisexuality lost a lot of steam in 2019; maybe we, as a world full of people, are starting to realize that trying to stop people from being bisexual is an exercise in futility, that they cannot do anything about this and as was proven in the battle against homosexuality.  2019 seemed to reveal a greater lack of confidence in the LGBTQ+ community and while there are many who actively support the cause, many more aren’t of a mind to be so political about their sexuality and see little sense in demanding that their rights be upheld when, in fact, they’ve always had the right to self-determination and, as people are wont to do, they’re gonna do whatever they gotta do without any political influence and, importantly, I think, to get away from the infighting that’s been going on within the LGBTQ+ community because, apparently, the community just isn’t as much about the “B’s” as it is about the “L’s” and “G’s.”

Will 2020 be the year when bisexuals decide to get theirs and to stop being denied their right to obtain sexual and emotional succor and pleasure?  I most certainly hope so.  I wish, hope, and pray for all of you to have a fantastic 2020 and one that will put you on the path to exploring your bisexuality beyond just sitting and thinking about it.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

The Urge

Discovering bisexuality is one hell of a shock to one’s system; it takes everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships and flushes it right down the nearest drain and for many, it is horribly confusing and unsettling trying to make sense of these feelings and more so when we live in a world that says you’re not supposed to feel this way.  It can be bad… but not as bad as the next thing I’m about to tell you:

The urge to do something about those feelings.  Oh, the urge is powerful beyond belief; it occupies your thoughts, hammering away at your sensibilities and sensibilities that might be telling you that doing something about those feelings just can’t be done – and shouldn’t be.  If it’s true that a lot of bisexuals suffer from mental illnesses like depression, it’s not because they’ve found that they’re bisexual – it’s not being able to do a damned thing about it and when every fiber of your being is literally screaming at you to get off your ass and do something before it really does make you insane… and it just might do that.

Many people try to suppress this urge, this compulsion, to find someone, get naked with them, and hopefully experience orgasmic bliss in a way they’ve not known of before.  The mind kinda “takes over” and starts to work on the problem of how to do something about this which just adds to the confusion.  Bisexuals already in a relationship – and despite common belief – aren’t of a mind to cheat in order to get this done and, indeed, many do not… but it’s also true that many do because, in their minds, there is really no other viable option unless they’re fortunate enough – and brave enough – to ask for permission.  Many won’t ask because they “know” the answer is going to be, “No fucking way!” – it’s a typical response.  And while many accept this verdict, the urge to do something just does not ever go away and it takes a great effort of will to not only suppress the urge but to also do it in a way that’s not going to really screw them up.

So while some are, let’s say, somewhat successful in their efforts to suppress, in the end, they’re really making things worse for themselves as, little by little, their need to do something – and their inability to do something – will start eating at them and causing changes in their thinking and personalities as they manifest things like anger over the littlest of things or they find themselves just sitting around doing a lot of nothing when, prior to this, they were very active.  And all along, the mind is still very much hard at work trying to get this urge taken care of because it knows – even if its owner doesn’t fully realize it – that if it doesn’t find a way to get this done, some very bad shit is going to happen to it.

Some people are of a mind that actually doing something is the hard part and I can assure you that that’s really the easy part; trying to fight the urge is way harder and is made even harder when a bisexual is in a relationship.  The rules of monogamy are, supposedly, inviolate; they cannot be broken and should never be broken for any reason – and not even if breaking them will, in a way, save your life if not your sanity.  At the very least, taking care of that urge is an act of self-preservation and I’m fairly sure that there are lot of you who are reading this and are feeling this way.

So the urge is there and it’s not going anywhere and just keeps getting stronger and begging the question of what to do… and there are no easy answers to this particular question and it’s not really helpful when I say, “Do whatever you gotta do…” or ask you what are you willing to do about this – then it’s a matter of if the price is too high and if it is, well, it is what it is and another solution must be found to keep the urge to do something from trying to eat you alive or, heaven forbid, coerce you into doing something that might not be in your best interest.

I just know that many people will do whatever they have to do to attend to the urge.  I’ve been bisexual damned near all of my life and I can’t tell you why the urge is so powerful or why doing something just makes so much sense… while not making a lot of sense depending on your situation.  I just know it’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt and despite all of my experiences, I still feel it.  I’ve seen the urge mess people up when they’ve tried to ignore it or make it go away and while I’ve seen people give into the urge and do something and wound up screwing up their relationship which, of course, ain’t a good thing but, yeah, some people are of a mind that it’s worth it given the amount of emotional and mental stress the urge will place upon them.

No easy answers.  Not an easy choice or decision to make for anyone.  I know the urge to have the sex and experience the intimacy just never goes away because even when you’re not consciously thinking about it, your subconscious is still thinking about it in the background and maybe even invading your dreams.  Maybe damned if you do, definitely damned if you don’t.  If doing becomes the thing that has to be done, all I can really tell you is to think first, then act if you must… and if you can.  Just be aware that if you give into the urge, um, it’s not going to be satisfied with just one act and especially that one act was what the urge needed.  You’re gonna want more; you can’t seem to get enough of it and while, at some point, the newness of it will eventually kinda/sorta wear off, once you get to doing, going back to not doing is even harder.

Yeah… it seems that ya can’t win for losing, huh?  Women, for the most part, have it easier than men do and mostly because not too many people pay a lot of attention to women who are “really chummy” with each other – it’s just something that women do and have always done while for men, if they look like they’re “too into each other,” well, they must be having sex with each other, the nasty bastards!  And while you’d think that men would be head over heels about having a bisexual woman, that’s not as true as ya might think:  A lot of men are intimidated and even offended that his lady has an interest that doesn’t have a damned thing to do with him which is why some women have to endure his presence in the much-dreaded threesome and while that might be fun from time to time, what a woman wants in this is that intimacy without any dicks being involved.  I’m of a mind that, hey, if that’s what you gotta do to get what you want, that’s easier to deal with than not being able to do anything at all.  While I don’t recommend being sneaky and all that, well, yeah – the truth is that it happens but if a woman can use her “pussy power” to move things in the direction she needs to them move, well, do what you gotta do.

It’s better than nothing at all and I’m not just saying that; I know too many men and women in this situation who have come to this conclusion on their own.  Just keep in mind that even while you might be trying to figure out how to make the urge happy – and without giving away the farm if possible, the urge is going to be there and messing with you one way or the other until you find a way to do something about it.  Best way?  Ask and even demand permission.  “Worst way?”  If denied permission, do it anyway and, yes, that’s what a lot of people do because there’s no escaping the urge.  None.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

A Message for Bi Women from a Bi Guy

What do men know about bisexual women?  Apparently, not a whole lot other than the few myths and stereotypes a lot of us have heard and, to me, the most annoying one that says some women fake being bisexual in order to get a man.  However, since I grew up being bisexual, I think I have a better picture of those mythical women who likes men and women, those “unicorns” that everyone is sure exists but no one really ever sees.

There’s a general consensus that says a woman who goes both ways is just being a woman – nothing unusual going on, nothing to see; it’s just a thing girls do because they have needs that men are often incapable of dealing with like their need for deep, meaningful emotional connections:  There’s a reason why it’s said that only a woman knows what a woman needs and it was true when I first heard this way back in the late 1960s and it remains true today.  It’s not like there aren’t men who haven’t heard this but there are few men who are of a mind to take this to heart and allow their woman to have the things she needs that his maleness isn’t going to do a damned thing about.

I tell a lot of guys that there is much to learn from bisexual women… if we can pay more attention to how they interact with each other than we do fantasizing about them having sex.  I’ll even tell guys that you haven’t lived until you see two women making love to each other and, yes, it’s exciting as anything I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some stuff) but what you can learn from them is so very valuable that if guys got a chance to see it for real, they should take notes… and lots of notes.

I get it but that’s because I’m bisexual, too.  I know the joys of it as well as all of those pain in the ass things that wants to steal that joy.  One of those PITA things is being mislabeled; with guys, people hear “bisexual” and think “gay” and for women, they hear this word and think not only “lesbian” but “man-hating lesbian” as well… and that’s so far from the truth.  I know a lot of bisexual women wind up with a guy who, at least by his words alone, want to believe that a man is all a woman is ever going to need and those very narrow-minded men makes being bisexual for women such a great burden but, eh, don’t feel bad:  Bi guys run into women who think that (pardon me) pussy is all they should ever want and need and that there’s no good reason for a guy to want another guy.

And it’s this kind of thinking that makes being bisexual difficult for all of us who are bisexual.  Not what we think – what others think… and we know that what they think is wrong, incorrect, and sorely outdated.  These days, I see a lot of stuff written about bisexuality and I wonder where these people are getting their information from; I see other bisexuals writing things that also makes me wonder the source of their information which is sketchy at best but, usually, reflects a very narrow point of view and as expressed by those who write about bisexuality… but have no personal experience or, if they did, they can’t say anything good about it.

It a thing that makes me say, “If you wanna know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!”  The problem we all face is that once someone makes up their mind in a negative way about bisexuality, there’s not much we can do to change their minds, even when we can get them to admit that what they think isn’t what’s really going on.  When it comes to relationships, jeez, men have the same problems that women do; we find ourselves “trapped” with someone who is more of a mind to stick to the rules of monogamy than they are interested in doing whatever has to be done to make us happy and keep us with them.  If a guy is worried about his lady cheating on him, well, it’s for good reason… and it’s not her fault that she’s had to resort to this in order to take care of her needs and, importantly, be very much okay with herself.

To that end, I tell guys that if your woman needs a woman, be a man and let her go get what she needs or suffer some consequences that makes infidelity look tame by comparison:  It is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned.  Now, some women get… offended if their guy say, “Sure, baby, you can do that… as long as I can watch!” and to those ladies, I say to you don’t be offended if he wants to watch or, gasp, join in the fun:  This is like the holy grail of things sexual for a lot of men, something only seen in our dreams and all that horrible girl-on-girl porn but I also say to you that if he wants to watch, you can, if you’re of a mind to, use that against him so that you can have a woman and handle your business with her.

Think about that one for a moment.  Among bisexual men, we often go about the business of being bisexual “by any means necessary” – but we’re like that almost by nature and, indeed, something a lot of women can’t stand about us.  It’s just that I sometimes think Steve Harvey said it right when he suggested that women think like men in these things:  What are you willing to do to be the woman you want and need to be?  Sadly, the thing I see among bisexual women is… not a whole lot and because there’s a lot of fear going on, too much of a chance for loss and other undesirable things that, just like bi guys, will make a woman remain silent about her desire to be with other women like herself.

I mentioned to a female blogger I follow that I am aware of two periods of time where women demanded to be empowered; the first was during the Women’s Liberation movement where a lot of women burned their bras… and the significance of this act was misinterpreted; people thought that women were totally rejecting – and hating – men in favor of being lesbians.  I don’t know why this got all turned around and more so when the movement also included lesbians who were standing up for their right to be women and in all that this meant.  We’re seeing a second “Women’s Liberation” kind of movement where, instead of being granted power to be the woman they want and need to be, um, women are being like men and just taking the power and empowering themselves and if there are men who don’t like it, well, that guy can almost easily be replaced with someone who will like it.

And, yes, some women are using their “pussy power” to pave the way to their notion of being empowered and, at the risk of losing my man card, when women flex their muscles in this way, it makes us very afraid.  The whole point is that if you’re not going to stand up for yourself and the things you need to make you feel whole, no one else is going to do it for you and perhaps you’ve noticed it but it’s something that a lot of men are doing; they are empowering themselves to take care of their need for other guys because the system and its rules do not allow us to do this… but those same rules oddly give women a pass because, again, it’s just a thing that girls do.

I like to say to folks that if you think girls have pajama parties and all they do is talk about boys and gossip, you are sadly mistaken.  My own daughter went to a lot of pajama parties and had sleepovers with her female friends… and I know for a fact that if they were talking, it wasn’t using their voices, if you know what I mean – and I think you do.  Even if you never experienced this and in that experimental way that we – society – frowns on but are aware that happens, well, you’re feeling it now, aren’t you?  And that’s a good thing and you’re not alone because a lot of guys discover bisexuality late in their lives, too… and they have problems dealing with it and usually because they’re trying to deal with such a complex thing all by themselves.

Which is why this site/blog exists so that, for one, you know that you’re not as alone as you think and that there are other women to reach out to so that dealing with your bisexuality won’t be so lonely and daunting.  All that stuff you might hear about bisexuality in women?  Be aware of it… but a lot of it can be ignored because you are the one who determines how you’re going to be bisexual and no one else can define that for you.  I tell guys that before they concern themselves with doing, the first thing they have to do is be okay with themselves in being bisexual and that includes feelings.  By comparison, doing is easy; getting comfortable with this isn’t.  Yes, I know – many of you are looking for a girlfriend and just like I tell the fellas, in order to find someone, you must look for them – your future girlfriend isn’t just going to drop into your lap and out of the blue.  Do you have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality?  Hell, no.  You never should need anyone to validate you and if you can’t validate yourself, yeah, that’s a problem.  You don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself although, um, yeah, sure – that works.

Here’s the thing and something that, again, might get me stripped of my man card:  Most guys don’t care if their woman has female friends and that’s something y’all can take advantage of.  Yeah, sounds shady and all that but I’m the bi guy who’ll tell you that a lot of women have that close friend that they’re really close to… and their man might suspect how close they are… but what you suspect is one thing… and what can be proven is something else.  Sometimes, it’s not really about getting naked and sweaty – it’s all about being close to someone who thinks and feels the same way you do and the intimacy of this.

And I wonder, since I kinda understand this about women, why there are so many women who can’t seem to find that one lady they can be close to like that.  I know y’all are… kinda weird about the sex thing but sex isn’t the only form of intimacy that you need as a woman… and an intimacy that, again, very few men are capable of even being close enough for government work.  How do you find such a woman?  Look for her and, ha, you might already know her but, yeah, some women are funny about sharing things with other women and, I think, forgetting that by unspoken rules, women are allowed to be emotional with each other and men, being the idiots we can be, expect this even if it scares the doo-doo out of us.

I spent a large part of my life with a bisexual woman and between her and the other bi gals I know, I got such an education and one I’m glad I received and I’m talking about being with her for well over 30 years so, yeah, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the things that makes a woman happy in this and what makes her as miserable as a wet hen.  I would even tell her that if she wasn’t going to go get what she wanted – and she had permission to – I couldn’t do it for her although, um, yeah, I introduced her to a few women and now it was on her to make it work.  I saw that she made being bisexual harder than it had to be… and this is the same women who came to me one day and laid an ultimatum on me:  If you don’t give me permission to be with women, I’m gonna do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  So she got permission… and I went to school to better understand her and bisexuality in women.

So, yeah, I do get it and I wanted you all to know that I get it… and I’m not the only man who does.  And if homey doesn’t understand it, make him understand it.  I don’t mean beat him over the head but explain to him how you feel and why and how important this is to you and, yeah, things would be better if he had her back (and like he’s supposed to) than it would be for him to be stubborn, restrictive, and well just acting like an asshole and all because he’s putting his own beliefs ahead of that which would make you a better woman to and for him.  You have the power… and now the question is are you willing to use it?

Do you think it’s impossible?  I’m here to tell you that it isn’t impossible – just difficult but if you do not try, you cannot fail… and if you don’t fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  And since you and I have a lot in common, I’m biased in your favor which is why I’m here to give you all as much support as I can.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author.

Be Prepared to Negotiate

I’m going to kinda tell you something that I recently told a bi guy who is trying to figure out how to be bi and be married. It’s not an unusual question to ask but one I sometimes answer with a question:  What are you willing to do to get what you want?

That’s when things tend to get interesting and many people are of a mind that they’re not all that willing to do certain things in order to get what they want.  If you’re not ready to negotiate or, as I say, play “Let’s Make A Deal” and prepared to offer anything in exchange for getting the permission you need, well, that’s a problem on top of the one you already have.

A lot of women might think that there’s no negotiating with their straight-laced partner… but the truth is that everyone has a price that will “buy” them – you just have to be able to find it.  Some women have asked for permission and have had their man come back with the two things that will make her take this off the table in a hurry:  Threesome and “Can I watch?”  Some women will take their request off the table when their man gets it in his head that, sure, baby, you can do this… but you’re gonna do it my way or not at all and now he wants to impose his will upon you and in an area that’s, um, not really man-friendly if you know what I mean.

The reason negotiating usually doesn’t work for men in this situation is, first, men tend to argue logically while women do it emotionally.  This is not to say that women aren’t smart and don’t use their brains so put away the knives, ladies!  You can tell when this is in play because to everything the guy will logically put out there, she will say, “Yeah, but…”  The “yeah” is her intelligently understand what was said; the “but” is her emotion-driven response as to why the intelligently understood thing ain’t ever gonna happen.

I’m telling you this so that if you gird your loins enough to have this conversation with your partner, give a lot of thought about how you’re going to present your argument to him; think about as many of the possible questions he’s gonna ask you and have an answer prepared in your mind.  Be 100% honest with him – hold nothing back – I know women love their air of mystery but that’s not gonna help you in this and more so when – not if – he asks if you’ve ever been with a woman before.  There’s a sales trick the best salespersons have learned when trying to sell a customer something:  Be able to remove all of their excuses/reasons for not buying.  My favorite and one I used is when the customer says they need to ask their partner and the counter to this is, “Okay – let’s go over here and call him/her!”

You’re gonna have to do your version of this and counter every objection including the most important and difficult one:  Being monogamous.  I will tell you and in no uncertain terms that this is going to be a fight – and if you really want to do this, you’ll roll up your sleeves and “duke it out” with him.  The “key” to countering this one is to point out that your relationship is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it – and allowing this will make your end of this easier for you to hold up.  You can, um, kinda “low blow” him by reminding him of all the times he said that he’d do anything for you and now you’re asking him to be true to what he said.

Yeah… this can get down and dirty… and if you’re not willing to get down and dirty, you’re just defeating your own cause.  Hopefully, it won’t get to this level… but you gotta be willing to do whatever is necessary if you really want and need to do this.  Another “sales trick:”  “What will it take for you to do this for me?”  And you have to let him know – and be 100% willing – that you’re willing to offer whatever he wants in return and no matter how ridiculous it might sound – but breaking up isn’t an option.

You have to do everything in your power to convince him that this is going to be a good thing for you and, specifically, your sense of self and mental/emotional well-being; you have to convince him that this will be a good thing for him even though, to his ears, nah, not even close.  You have to convince him that what you want to do in this does not have anything to do with your love and desire for him.  And trust me – he’s gonna think that it does… and men do not like to be under the impression that they ain’t all that where it matters.  How is this gonna benefit him?  Well, you’ll be a much better person, which’ll make you a better partner who won’t be moping around, being bitchy, stuff like that and, yeah, things in the bedroom are going to be better because you won’t have all this frustration getting in the way of things.  To this end – and just between me and you – be prepared to let your inner freak out and if you don’t have one, find one.  If you have a list of things you’re not gonna do, get rid of it.  This might be upsetting but it’s a necessary evil; do not let any fears you have in this stop you from getting what you want – and getting rid of that list before you talk to him would be a good thing.

If he asks, “What’s in it for me?” it goes back to the asking him what it’s gonna take thing.  The thing here is that however you answer this question, be prepared to never, ever renege on it; do not ever promise him something that you’re not going to deliver.  If he brings up the dreaded threesome thing, ask him what he has in mind about that instead of just saying, “Deal!” or saying, “Oh, hell no!”  From your point of view, everything is negotiable and you have to believe this and be prepared to negotiate.  You say no a lot and you’ve pretty much ruined your chances for success.  Yes, this is about you and all of that… but ladies, there really is no such thing as a free lunch and if you’re not willing to “pay for lunch,” you’re gonna be hungry,

What if he says he doesn’t want to talk about this?  Another sales trick:  When would be a good time for you to talk about this with me?  You ask this question while letting him know that having this conversation is very damned important to you; you can let him know that he doesn’t have to make a snap decision right then and there… but right now, you need him to listen to what you have to say and that ignoring it isn’t going to be a good thing for you.  You have to be prepared to stay calm in the face of any negative reactions on his part; no crying, no looking defeated; just cool, calm but determined to be heard.

We live in a world where women are being more empowered and flexing their muscles and working toward getting permission to, at the least, have a girlfriend you can talk to is part of this empowered muscle flexing.  You have to be able to present your argument logically; be prepared to answer any question he has, allay any fears that he might have and negotiate with him in good faith.  And if he rejects your proposal, do not give up and you can even ask him, “Can we talk about this, say, in a month, when we’ve both had time to do more thinking about this?”  And if he continues to say no, well, bring it up in a month anyway – freedom of speech and all that.

Why must you be this persistent?  Because the alternatives might not be all that attractive to you.  The first alternative is to just give up all your hopes, dreams, and desires in this and suffer with your frustration and adding to whatever depression you may be feeling over this and I’ll point out that if you’re thinking about having this conversation with him, you’re already feeling all of this stuff and maybe more.  The other alternative is to invoke Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – and go down the road of infidelity.  Sadly and truly, many find that it’s better to beg forgiveness than it is to ask permission and get it.

When my first wife laid this on me she asked for permission… but let me know that if she didn’t get it, she was invoking Rule Number One.  No one likes being handed an ultimatum and it might be in your best interest not to utter this particular ultimatum… but it’s one you will have to consider – but also keep in mind that thinking and doing are not always the same thing (and I don’t care what you’ve been told about this); you have to keep all of your options firmly in mind and even the ones you might not want to do.

How badly do you want and need this?  What are you willing to do in order to have it?  Before you even approach him and say, “Honey, there’s something I need to talk to you about…” have several plans in mind and be ready to switch gears faster than you can blink.  There is no guarantee that any of this will work – chances are you will fail to get permission… but as odd as this may sound, failure is a good thing – it gives you clues to how to succeed.  The biggest failure is not saying anything about it.  Do not assume that his answer is going to be “Hell no!” before you ask; sure, you know this guy… but do you really?  A lot of women do find out that they don’t and get blindsided when he says, “Okay – how do you wanna do this?”

If you do not stand up for that which you need in order to be the best person and partner you can be, no one is going to do it for you.  This won’t be easy and you should do any planning with the understanding that it’s going to be harder than you think it is.  And negotiate in a way that you’re not totally giving away the farm.  He wants to be in charge of what you do and who you do anything with?  Negotiate this!  You’ll tell him who and even tell him what if he really wants to know but giving him the “right” to choose your partner?  Not negotiable and you tell him that anyone he might choose may not be someone you’d choose – you need the freedom to choose.  What if he doesn’t like who you’ve chosen?  That’s negotiable, too… but you let him know that things will be smoother if everyone can get along.

It’s a hard sell and will probably be the hardest thing you’ve ever done… but it can be done.  Just a question of how badly you need and want this and what you’re willing to do to get it.  I will caution you to not to throw your relationship away; some women are kinda “all or nothing” about this and that might not be a smart move.  You want to preserve, improve, and continue your relationship with him… you just need some changes made if you both are willing to negotiate.  Oh, one final warning, if I may:  Do not make any rules that cannot be changed if/when needed.  Many couples who roll with this lay down some very strict rules and no changes are allowed – and that’s a mistake because people change their minds all of the time.  The thing to do is when a change occurs, it’s time to talk about the change and do some more negotiating if needed.  I get it:  You want to put rules in place to prevent the relationship falling apart and all that but making the rules too rigid and wholly non-negotiable is still a mistake you do not want to make.  Once you get permission, do not stop communicating – that’s another big mistake people make in this; they got permission and there’s nothing else to talk about.

And to anyone willing to take this very big step, I wish you the best of luck in this; stay strong!  I’ve gone through this “process” and I know a whole lot of other people who have as well.  Some have been successful (I was or, really she was) and some have failed – c’est la vie.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author