Be Prepared to Negotiate

I’m going to kinda tell you something that I recently told a bi guy who is trying to figure out how to be bi and be married. It’s not an unusual question to ask but one I sometimes answer with a question:  What are you willing to do to get what you want?

That’s when things tend to get interesting and many people are of a mind that they’re not all that willing to do certain things in order to get what they want.  If you’re not ready to negotiate or, as I say, play “Let’s Make A Deal” and prepared to offer anything in exchange for getting the permission you need, well, that’s a problem on top of the one you already have.

A lot of women might think that there’s no negotiating with their straight-laced partner… but the truth is that everyone has a price that will “buy” them – you just have to be able to find it.  Some women have asked for permission and have had their man come back with the two things that will make her take this off the table in a hurry:  Threesome and “Can I watch?”  Some women will take their request off the table when their man gets it in his head that, sure, baby, you can do this… but you’re gonna do it my way or not at all and now he wants to impose his will upon you and in an area that’s, um, not really man-friendly if you know what I mean.

The reason negotiating usually doesn’t work for men in this situation is, first, men tend to argue logically while women do it emotionally.  This is not to say that women aren’t smart and don’t use their brains so put away the knives, ladies!  You can tell when this is in play because to everything the guy will logically put out there, she will say, “Yeah, but…”  The “yeah” is her intelligently understand what was said; the “but” is her emotion-driven response as to why the intelligently understood thing ain’t ever gonna happen.

I’m telling you this so that if you gird your loins enough to have this conversation with your partner, give a lot of thought about how you’re going to present your argument to him; think about as many of the possible questions he’s gonna ask you and have an answer prepared in your mind.  Be 100% honest with him – hold nothing back – I know women love their air of mystery but that’s not gonna help you in this and more so when – not if – he asks if you’ve ever been with a woman before.  There’s a sales trick the best salespersons have learned when trying to sell a customer something:  Be able to remove all of their excuses/reasons for not buying.  My favorite and one I used is when the customer says they need to ask their partner and the counter to this is, “Okay – let’s go over here and call him/her!”

You’re gonna have to do your version of this and counter every objection including the most important and difficult one:  Being monogamous.  I will tell you and in no uncertain terms that this is going to be a fight – and if you really want to do this, you’ll roll up your sleeves and “duke it out” with him.  The “key” to countering this one is to point out that your relationship is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it – and allowing this will make your end of this easier for you to hold up.  You can, um, kinda “low blow” him by reminding him of all the times he said that he’d do anything for you and now you’re asking him to be true to what he said.

Yeah… this can get down and dirty… and if you’re not willing to get down and dirty, you’re just defeating your own cause.  Hopefully, it won’t get to this level… but you gotta be willing to do whatever is necessary if you really want and need to do this.  Another “sales trick:”  “What will it take for you to do this for me?”  And you have to let him know – and be 100% willing – that you’re willing to offer whatever he wants in return and no matter how ridiculous it might sound – but breaking up isn’t an option.

You have to do everything in your power to convince him that this is going to be a good thing for you and, specifically, your sense of self and mental/emotional well-being; you have to convince him that this will be a good thing for him even though, to his ears, nah, not even close.  You have to convince him that what you want to do in this does not have anything to do with your love and desire for him.  And trust me – he’s gonna think that it does… and men do not like to be under the impression that they ain’t all that where it matters.  How is this gonna benefit him?  Well, you’ll be a much better person, which’ll make you a better partner who won’t be moping around, being bitchy, stuff like that and, yeah, things in the bedroom are going to be better because you won’t have all this frustration getting in the way of things.  To this end – and just between me and you – be prepared to let your inner freak out and if you don’t have one, find one.  If you have a list of things you’re not gonna do, get rid of it.  This might be upsetting but it’s a necessary evil; do not let any fears you have in this stop you from getting what you want – and getting rid of that list before you talk to him would be a good thing.

If he asks, “What’s in it for me?” it goes back to the asking him what it’s gonna take thing.  The thing here is that however you answer this question, be prepared to never, ever renege on it; do not ever promise him something that you’re not going to deliver.  If he brings up the dreaded threesome thing, ask him what he has in mind about that instead of just saying, “Deal!” or saying, “Oh, hell no!”  From your point of view, everything is negotiable and you have to believe this and be prepared to negotiate.  You say no a lot and you’ve pretty much ruined your chances for success.  Yes, this is about you and all of that… but ladies, there really is no such thing as a free lunch and if you’re not willing to “pay for lunch,” you’re gonna be hungry,

What if he says he doesn’t want to talk about this?  Another sales trick:  When would be a good time for you to talk about this with me?  You ask this question while letting him know that having this conversation is very damned important to you; you can let him know that he doesn’t have to make a snap decision right then and there… but right now, you need him to listen to what you have to say and that ignoring it isn’t going to be a good thing for you.  You have to be prepared to stay calm in the face of any negative reactions on his part; no crying, no looking defeated; just cool, calm but determined to be heard.

We live in a world where women are being more empowered and flexing their muscles and working toward getting permission to, at the least, have a girlfriend you can talk to is part of this empowered muscle flexing.  You have to be able to present your argument logically; be prepared to answer any question he has, allay any fears that he might have and negotiate with him in good faith.  And if he rejects your proposal, do not give up and you can even ask him, “Can we talk about this, say, in a month, when we’ve both had time to do more thinking about this?”  And if he continues to say no, well, bring it up in a month anyway – freedom of speech and all that.

Why must you be this persistent?  Because the alternatives might not be all that attractive to you.  The first alternative is to just give up all your hopes, dreams, and desires in this and suffer with your frustration and adding to whatever depression you may be feeling over this and I’ll point out that if you’re thinking about having this conversation with him, you’re already feeling all of this stuff and maybe more.  The other alternative is to invoke Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – and go down the road of infidelity.  Sadly and truly, many find that it’s better to beg forgiveness than it is to ask permission and get it.

When my first wife laid this on me she asked for permission… but let me know that if she didn’t get it, she was invoking Rule Number One.  No one likes being handed an ultimatum and it might be in your best interest not to utter this particular ultimatum… but it’s one you will have to consider – but also keep in mind that thinking and doing are not always the same thing (and I don’t care what you’ve been told about this); you have to keep all of your options firmly in mind and even the ones you might not want to do.

How badly do you want and need this?  What are you willing to do in order to have it?  Before you even approach him and say, “Honey, there’s something I need to talk to you about…” have several plans in mind and be ready to switch gears faster than you can blink.  There is no guarantee that any of this will work – chances are you will fail to get permission… but as odd as this may sound, failure is a good thing – it gives you clues to how to succeed.  The biggest failure is not saying anything about it.  Do not assume that his answer is going to be “Hell no!” before you ask; sure, you know this guy… but do you really?  A lot of women do find out that they don’t and get blindsided when he says, “Okay – how do you wanna do this?”

If you do not stand up for that which you need in order to be the best person and partner you can be, no one is going to do it for you.  This won’t be easy and you should do any planning with the understanding that it’s going to be harder than you think it is.  And negotiate in a way that you’re not totally giving away the farm.  He wants to be in charge of what you do and who you do anything with?  Negotiate this!  You’ll tell him who and even tell him what if he really wants to know but giving him the “right” to choose your partner?  Not negotiable and you tell him that anyone he might choose may not be someone you’d choose – you need the freedom to choose.  What if he doesn’t like who you’ve chosen?  That’s negotiable, too… but you let him know that things will be smoother if everyone can get along.

It’s a hard sell and will probably be the hardest thing you’ve ever done… but it can be done.  Just a question of how badly you need and want this and what you’re willing to do to get it.  I will caution you to not to throw your relationship away; some women are kinda “all or nothing” about this and that might not be a smart move.  You want to preserve, improve, and continue your relationship with him… you just need some changes made if you both are willing to negotiate.  Oh, one final warning, if I may:  Do not make any rules that cannot be changed if/when needed.  Many couples who roll with this lay down some very strict rules and no changes are allowed – and that’s a mistake because people change their minds all of the time.  The thing to do is when a change occurs, it’s time to talk about the change and do some more negotiating if needed.  I get it:  You want to put rules in place to prevent the relationship falling apart and all that but making the rules too rigid and wholly non-negotiable is still a mistake you do not want to make.  Once you get permission, do not stop communicating – that’s another big mistake people make in this; they got permission and there’s nothing else to talk about.

And to anyone willing to take this very big step, I wish you the best of luck in this; stay strong!  I’ve gone through this “process” and I know a whole lot of other people who have as well.  Some have been successful (I was or, really she was) and some have failed – c’est la vie.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

To the Husbands/Boyfriends of a Bisexual Woman

I have a message for the guys in the title of this writing.  Well, actually, I have a few things to share with you and especially if you’re harboring any negativity about her being the way she is, beginning with this:

If she’s bisexual, chances are it has nothing to do with you.  It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or need you in her life and it sure doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like or otherwise enjoy sex with you.  What it does mean is that she needs something that you can’t do a whole lot about and it’s not your fault that you’re not a woman.  So, should you discover that your lady is having thoughts and/or feelings about other women, it would be best for her state of mind not to ignore her or start getting all Old Testament on her about how she’s thinking and feeling.

Next, don’t do what a lot of other people tend to do:  Don’t confuse thinking with doing – they’re not the same things.  If she shares this with you or you figure it out, don’t assume that she’s been doing things behind your back the whole time you’ve known her and, jeez, don’t be foolish enough to accuse her of any impropriety.  Next, understand that her sexuality isn’t something that needs to be fixed and in a lot of situations, the only thing you have to do is just listen to what she has to say about it.  You can ask her questions like how long has she been feeling this way; you can ask her if there is or was some specific event in her life that got her thinking/feeling the way she does and if she answers, just listen to what she has to say.

Yes, you can ask her what, if anything, she might want to do about this – while keeping in mind what I said about thinking and doing not being the same thing – and even if she tells you what she’s thinking about if she could do something, do your best not to get bent out of shape because you should remember and take to heart the first thing I said to you:  This ain’t about you; all of this is all about how she feels, what she’s thinking and even doing some wishful thinking if it were possible for her to actually do something about any of this.

And, my god, do not even think about the word “threesome!”  Okay, wait a moment; you can think it… just don’t let it out of your mouth; don’t even ask her about this unless she happens to mention it and should she do this, pay close attention to what she has to say about it and if she says she doesn’t think she could do something like that – and, believe it or not, most women believe that they can’t and shouldn’t – then believe her.

Now… what should you do?  The most important thing you can do first and foremost is to assure her that you’re not going to hand her head to her.  Hearing this might make you feel some kind of way and the next thing you should do is to keep your feelings in check – just remain calm and as best you can manage because you’re about to learn something very important about the woman you love.  Another thing you should do is to get rid of any preconceived notions you have about bisexual women; you may have heard some stuff – and who hasn’t? – and your best bet is to forget all of it and, once again, listen to what she has to say and especially if you get it in your head that she’s not happy with any sex you’ve been having… because in many bisexual women, the actual sex is of secondary concern.

Oh, and if you happen to be wondering, I was married to a bisexual woman for a very long time so, yeah, I kinda/sorta know what I’m talking about; I also know quite a few bisexual women and they’ve taught me a lot about bisexuality in women and I’ve most certainly heard what they’ve had to say about having a husband or boyfriend who has acted like a childish ass about it.  I am, myself, bisexual and have been for over a half a century so, yeah, I know some stuff about this.  Let’s continue, shall we?

I do understand how you might be feeling to hear this from her just as I know what you might be thinking… because I had those very same thoughts and feelings; I know how hard it is to get your head around this and that first thought that she’s telling you this because you screwed up or something like that.  You might even think that she shouldn’t even be thinking about or feeling these things or because you’re in a relationship with her, well, such stuff shouldn’t ever come up… and I’m here today to tell you is that if that’s what you think and believe, um, well, what you think and believe doesn’t reflect certain realities, to be polite about it.  I know you’re gonna want to be all offended and upset and I’ll tell you that if you get all bent out of shape, you’re not helping her any and letting her know how pissed off you are – and how totally against such things you are – you just might be setting yourself up for some stuff that’s gonna be worse than her telling you that she’s bisexual.

No, I don’t mean she’s gonna go cheat on you… although that’s a possibility and I’m not going to lie to you about that.  What I’m talking about is by not listening to her or otherwise trying to make this about you or, damn, putting your foot down and forbidding her to even say anything about this, what you’re gonna find yourself dealing with is one very miserable woman because, first, your negative reaction tells her that you don’t give a damn about how she feels… about this and maybe anything else and you’ve now lost some very major Brownie points with her.  She might not go out of her way to make you regret your position on this but you can bet anything you care to that because now her mind is in a very bad place because of how badly you behaved, some stuff is going to change; some of it might be quite drastic, some might be subtle… but the tone of the relationship will change and not for the better.

You know the saying, “Happy wife, happy life?”  It’s a real thing just like it’s true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned and if you diss her about this or give her a whole lot of grief and even turn into a drama queen about it, well, you’re gonna find out some stuff that makes discovering her bisexuality pale in comparison.  I will also point out to you that if, at any time, you’ve told her that you’d do anything for her to make and keep her happy – but you’ve gone off the deep end over this, um, well, let’s say that her belief in what you say to her is going to be severely questioned and you’re gonna lose even more Brownie points.

Perhaps – and despite my warning not to do so – you’re thinking that she’s gonna cheat on you or, gasp, she’s been cheating all along?  Lemme tell you a little something about that:  Most bisexual women are not of a mind to cheat and it would again be in your best interest not to accuse her of any infidelity because some women are of a mind that if you accuse them of something they haven’t done, well, they just might get it in their head to make the accusation a reality… and you really don’t want her to even think about this one.  If she tells you that she would never cheat on you, do your best to believe what she says… but then there’s this:

What if she says she wants a girlfriend?  Oh, boy, huh?  Yeah, I know – all kinds of stuff is going through your mind about this one, huh?  The smart move is to ask her why she wants a girlfriend and, again, it would be in your best interest – and in the best interest of the relationship – to just sit there, stay calm, and just listen.  In a lot of situations like this that I know of, if nothing else, she wants and needs to share her thoughts and feelings with another woman who feels the same way.  Truthfully?  Yeah… maybe she wants the physical experience but, for the most part, women are more emotionally bisexual than anything else but, yeah, sure, why wouldn’t she be curious about the physical part?

Yeah… this is getting really real, ain’t it?  You’re probably feeling trapped between that rock and a hard place and this girlfriend thing goes against everything you’ve ever believed about being in a relationship, doesn’t it?  I’d ask you that while all of this stuff is bouncing around in your head and you’re thinking about getting rid of her and other uncool stuff, keep in mind that what she’s thinking and feeling still doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and if she says anything about wanting a girlfriend, for now, it’s something that’s on her mind – remember that a lot of women are emotionally bisexual and it’ll make her one happy camper to be able to relate with another bisexual woman.

You’re now thinking, “What if she wants to have sex with another woman?”  Good question… and the toughest one to be dealt with.  Do you do the man-thing and forbid her or do you give her your blessing to go ahead and check it out?  Lemme tell you what I did when my now ex-wife laid this one on me and, specifically, what she said to me!  Once she told me what she wanted and needed she made it clear that one way or another, she was gonna get what she needed, putting me in a very bad spot – and just like the one you’ve found yourself in, by the way.  I was totally against such a thing because, like you, I firmly believed in the sanctity of marriage and relationships but I also knew her and that what she said to me wasn’t an idle threat.  I had a tremendously big decision to make and it started with a few questions: Would it be better to know what’s she doing rather than be constantly worried, paranoid, whatever about what she might be doing any time she was out of my sight?  Importantly, did I love her as much as I’d said I did?  Did I really mean it in all those times I told her that I’d do anything for her if it would make her happy except some stuff that might land me in a prison cell?

I thought about our very long relationship; if I forbid it, what will it do to the relationship?  Was I ready to throw everything we’ve been through together away?  Didn’t I promise and swear before God that I’d stick with her for better or worse?  Yeah, we both promised and swore to not let any sundering happen and keep only unto ourselves – and, by the way, in case you weren’t aware of this, unmarried couples follow these same rules and guidelines – but this is a really bad situation because she wants and needs something that I’m not equipped to provide for her since, you know, I’m not female.  Being a bisexual, I knew exactly what she was feeling and why and I put myself in her place and thought about how I’d feel if I said I wanted and needed a boyfriend and she lost her mind over that.  I’d definitely not be happy and, knowing myself, I’d find every way I could to let her know just how unhappy I was about it… so, yeah, I didn’t have to guess about any of that.  So I asked her a question:

“What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this?”  She told me that, yes, she wanted a girlfriend so she could be with someone who would understand her thoughts and feelings because they have the same thoughts and feelings.  She said that, yes, she needed to find out if having the sex was really what she needed – while making it clear that the sex we had was fine and dandy but, I’m not a woman.  She also made it clear that she had no plans to leave me and our family for another woman; she said,”I just want and need those things that only another woman can give me; I know that I will be a better person, a better wife and mother just like I know that if I can’t do this, it’s going to drive me crazy and it’ll make me do something I know I’m going to regret… but I meant what I said – I have to do this and I’m going to do it with or without your permission or blessing.”

Damn.  The last question I asked myself was do I want to live with someone who’s going to always be as miserable as anyone can get and then experience all that misery because of something I believed in?  I’d been aware that something was going on with her; I realized that I’d been getting a taste of what it’s like to live with her being a miserable puppy – and I didn’t like one moment of  it.  The biggest question I asked myself – again – was did I love and trust her as much as I felt and said I did?

So I said, “Okay… but we’re gonna need some rules.”  Yes, she did make it clear that if she was allowed to pursue her thoughts and feelings, I should be allowed to do the same thing if I wanted to – that was another big decision I had to make.

I’ve told you all of this to let you know that instead of our relationship going down the drain, things did get better for her and myself… because she was very damned happy to be able to be the woman she had to be.  Should you do what I felt had to be done?

That’s on you and it’s not an easy decision to make.  It’s not easy to hear your woman telling you that she has these thoughts and feelings but I will say to every one of you guys is that if you love her and got to have her in your life, you might want to consider giving her your blessing if she wants to do some exploring.  Otherwise, just listen to her and do your level best to have her back and as you’ve promised to do while also doing your best to understand her thoughts and feelings even if having them yourself ain’t a possibility.

This is about her.  It’s about her thoughts and feelings about this and if nothing else, I say again that if you love her, you will give it your all to listen to her and understand why she feels the way she does.  If she needs to do something about it, well, that’s another thing and I’m not gonna tell you that thinking about this aspect is going to be easy for you.  Which is why, if this is what she needs to do, ask her what I asked my wife:  What do you want to do about this and how are we gonna handle this – and with great emphasis on the word “we” – I cannot begin to tell you how important this is.  If she says what’s good for the gander – her – is good for the goose – you – okay, that’s fair… but if you’re of a mind not to go along with suddenly having this freedom, no, you don’t have to take advantage of it.  If anything – and if you decline that freedom – now it’s about supporting her, continuing to love her and by doing so, confirming to her that all that stuff you said about loving her, making her happy, and keeping her happy was the truth and nothing but the truth.

You just might find yourself living and loving the happiest woman on the planet for just listening to her and not kicking her ass about her thoughts and feelings.  If you say that she can explore, she’s gonna love you even more and it’ll show in everything she does going forward – and I do mean everything; if you thought having sex with her was off the hook, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  In any of this, the most important thing you can do, once the cat is out of the bag and no matter what she may want to do – or not – keep listening to her and by all means, just keep talking to her period.   Most guys make a decision one way or the other and the biggest mistake they make is they stop talking to her about it and nothing will destroy a relationship faster than not communicating with each other.

Fellows, this situation is going to test how grown up you really are and that’s no joke.  Historically and as I’ve observed, most guys will give their newly discovered bisexual woman a raft of shot about it and go off on her about how things ain’t supposed to be like this and that she should never, ever, need anyone but you and in all things… and I’m going to leave you with something to think about and I’ll apologize for how I say it.

If she wants and needs another woman for that unique emotionality women have, you’re not a woman.  If she wants pussy, you sure as hell don’t have one.  If you think that throwing more dick at her is gonna make this go away, I can assure you that it won’t – not that she won’t appreciate having more sex with you, mind you, but you still can’t give her what she needs in order to, one, be happy and, two – and the most important thing to her – be the woman she needs to be; she knows that she will be a better person and, after all, didn’t you promise or otherwise swear that you’d have her back in anything she wanted to do and provide her with that which she may need?

And if you don’t, what does that say about you?  Even better, what do you think any negativity coming from you is going to make her feel about you?  I can tell you that:  She’s gonna think that you don’t really love her, that you don’t care about what she’s thinking and feeling, and that all you care about is yourself more than you care about her.  She’s gonna think that you didn’t mean anything you said about having her back and no matter what it is she wants to do.

You’re just not the man or person she thought you were… and that, fellas, isn’t a good thing.  I know most guys are of a mind to kill the relationship over this… and more so when, outside of this thing coming up, the relationship has been all that and a bag of chips.  I’ve seen them kick their woman to the curb and regret doing it because they let a good love get away from them when it was in their power to make sure it wouldn’t go anywhere.

But you don’t have to believe anything I’ve said to you here; but I think it would be good for you and your relationship with her if you did and more so if you’re worried about her maybe cheating on you.  You can prevent this… and all you have to do is listen and understand and by all means, get your head out of the gutter!  Don’t let any fears or prejudices you might have stop you from listening to her and if she proposes anything else, keep listening and asking questions with your mind as open as you can manage.

It’s not about you so don’t make it about you – it will send the wrong messages to her.  It’s okay for you to tell her that you don’t believe in this stuff… but it’s not about what you believe even though she needs to know this because it is important to her.

All you really have to do – and should do – is listen and do your best to understand what she’s telling you; every- and anything else is negotiable and chances are she doesn’t want to do anything about this:   She just wants and needs you to listen and understand what’s going on with her and it’s not gonna cost you anything to listen and understand.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

How Do I Find…?

Okay, I wrote something about this on my own blog and to keep from having to retype it or fuss with this new editor and trying to copy it all, I’ll just give you the link to the blog I just published for some food for thought:

https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/2019/08/26/todays-bisexual-thoughts-how-do-i-find-someone-to-do-something-with/

If you have questions or comments, well, just use the comment box and I’ll do my best to answer them or I’ll be happy just to “talk” to you about it, okay?

Okay!

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

The Best Advice…

…I can give anyone looking to explore their bisexuality is to never give up and never lose hope.  Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or single, you have an obligation to yourself to always do the best you can for yourself – Rule Number One has always been, “Look after your own ass first.”  Know that there will be many who aren’t going to agree with you being bisexual, let alone being eager to do something about it and they will attempt to thwart and stop you every chance they get.

And if it is within your power to do so, don’t let them steal your joy.

For many, the decision to pursue bisexuality doesn’t have anything to do with the other person you’re with, should you be in a relationship; some will really and truly understand this while, sadly, many do not and as some of you probably already have learned, they will make your needs all about them and their thoughts and feelings which, yes, should be considered but the onus upon you is to, if you can, convince them that, no, my love, this ain’t about you – but if I cannot do this, it will most certainly affect you and as badly as it is already affecting me.

In this context, there’s nothing worse than living with someone who is in a near-constant state of being miserable… and you know what they say about misery loving company.

The truth is that if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one is going to do it for you; yet another piece of sadness is that we – humans – fear loss and rejection and this fear, more often than not, makes bisexuals stay silent and do nothing and bowing to another’s point of view about this and, in most cases, a point of view that is based more on rhetoric and hearsay than any real fact and little in the way of personal experience.

Is the risk of loss and rejection worth it?  Most people won’t think that it is but I say to you all that if exploring your bisexuality means that much to you, it’s a risk worth taking; many people have said that being read the riot act by those close to them about having the utter gall to be bisexual tells them that, perhaps, these are people they don’t need in their inner circle because you want to surround yourself with folks who are on your side more than they are trying to sabotage your hopes, dreams, and desires.

And there are a lot of people who are more than willing to do just that – and to protect their own sensibilities in what many see as a very selfish, callous, and uncaring way.

You may be of a mind that what you seek to do is impossible; I say to you that it isn’t, that an untold number of bisexuals find a way to express their sexuality as they need to and that includes the friendly neighborhood contributing author who’s telling you this.  It’s not easy, will probably be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do… but it can be done if it’s really something that has to be done to make you the person you need to be.  Yet another bad part is there is no definitive way to do this; if there was and I knew of it, I would be filthy rich beyond the dreams of avarice!  All I can say is to do whatever you can do so that, again, you can be the happy person you need to be in this.

I’ll leave you with a couple of things I’ve said here recently:  If you never try, you can never fail… and if you never fail, you will never learn how to succeed.  I will add that if you do not try – and because it will make someone else happy if you never go there – in the end, that’s not helping you any and if you are troubled now, you will be even more troubled going forward.  Being in a relationship and gaining this is incredibly difficult – but doable if you’re willing to put in the work.  For those of you who are single and looking to explore, clearly, you are free and clear to do so and I ask one very pertinent question:  What are you waiting for?

Ask yourself this question… then ask yourself if the answers you come up with make any real sense; you may discover that they don’t, that’s there no reason for you to get out there and start exploring and, in this, I offer up a suggestion:  Don’t make this harder than it has to be – keep it simple.  If you can, don’t create that “perfect person” or “ideal situation” in your head because, more often than not, you’re going to make it fairly impossible for anyone to meet such overly lofty expectations and that’s because that perfect person is either unknown to you or hasn’t been born yet; that ideal situation may never present itself and the most “hurtful” thing a lot of bisexuals do to themselves is setting the bar so high that no one can reach it.

And, yes, friends, even bisexuals who have the freedom to act make this mistake and that includes the “impossibility” of married or otherwise engaged folks.

Don’t give up.  Don’t lose hope.  Keep it simple.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author and fellow bisexual (54 years and counting)

Open Relationships and Bisexuality

Seems like I’m on a roll since returning to the site!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

One of the “bad raps” bisexuality gets is how it seems to lead to or, at the least, suggest that an open relationship is in order and there is some sense to this since, um, if you need some same-sex action in your life and you’re not already hooked up with someone like this, the only way you’re gonna get it is to go outside of the relationship or, gasp, invite someone into the existing relationship.

For many, the mere thought of this is enough to make someone have to go change their underwear or make a mad dash to get something to settle their stomach down and, yeah, find themselves kneeling before the Great Porcelain God and paying tribute to Ralph.  Logically, it makes sense, you know, if you’re of a mind to do something about that need your partner has and a need that you’re ill-equipped to handle but as I say – and a lot – logic doesn’t stand a chance against an emotional response and the emotional response to both things usually isn’t good and is very damned potent and powerful and enough to override logic and intelligence.

Now, for relationships where both people are bisexual, eh, this might not be that big of a problem except trying to figure out how to do this and without trashing the relationship in some way and thinking about some preemptive damage control should others find out that, um, you’re not exactly keeping only unto yourselves like you’re supposed to.  The biggest problem and the one that plagues a great many bisexuals is that relationship where one person is bisexual… and the other person isn’t.

And now you find yourself in a position of asking someone who isn’t bisexual, wouldn’t be, whatever, to allow you to do something that breaks most of the rules of monogamy and for a reason that has nothing to do with them.  It’s not easy to put the open relationship on the table even when sexuality isn’t at issue but when it is, well, there’s a reason why a lot of bisexuals who’d benefit from this, more often than not, never say anything about it.

One of the things I tell folks who ask me about this is that one of the biggest things is getting your partner to buy-in to this and if you can’t answer this question:  “What’s in it for me?” you’re hosed before the conversation can go any further.  Given this, if you’re not prepared to offer up whatever your partner might want in return for giving permission, you’re hosed.  If the both of you aren’t willing to sit down and talk about everything in this, you’re hosed.  You see, “open relationship” just doesn’t mean being free to do whatever – it also means being open with each other and in ways that most people wouldn’t dream about being… and I can tell you from personal experience that it’s the most frightening and emotionally painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s an emotional kick in the crotch to find out that you’re not everything your partner will ever want and need.  Not that you’re not good enough or anything like that, mind you, but none of us ever really think about something our partner might need that we can’t do anything about and it’s not our fault that we can’t or, um, if wifey has a need for the special touch of a woman, there ain’t a damned thing her very male husband can do about it.

Being bisexual and getting into an open relationship isn’t impossible – it’s just very damned difficult when, again, one part of the partnership isn’t bisexual.  So… what is really needed?

  1.  You need a plan that covers bringing the whole thing up, what you hope to accomplish, what you need, why you need it, how it’s gonna work and what your partner stands to gain or benefit from this.
  2.  Your communications skills have to be more on-point than ever before and, as part of your plan, be prepared to not only answer a lot of questions – and some of them you won’t be able to anticipate – but be prepared to tell it all from beginning to the present and 100% truthfully while understanding that you’re going to be telling them a lot of things they’re not gonna want to hear.
  3.  You also need your partner to tell it all and be totally honest and open about it because, if they don’t, you won’t be able to answer the “What’s in it for me?” question that is so very important – and telling them, “You’d get a happier wife/husband” is a good, valid, and legit answer… but one that’s not enough to feed the bulldog or cut the mustard.  You have to gird your loins and, in bad form, answer their question with a question:  “What do/would you want?” – and then be prepared to not only hear what they might say but to also deliver it.

See, some folks think that actually doing this is the hard part and make no mistake, it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Those three things I wrote are, without question, the hardest three things to do and more when a lot of the things you’re going to have to reveal are things that, normally, you wouldn’t tell anyone for any reason.  That all by itself is enough to make someone not bring the subject up, that and it’s automatically assumed that the answer is going to be not only no but fuck no, followed by getting read the riot act and/or, sadly, some kind of violence ensuing.

I tell people this and they say, “Well, that means I shouldn’t say anything about it, right?” and to be real, no, it doesn’t because if it’s something that needs to be done and you are confident that the relationship, as a whole, is not only strong enough to handle this but will benefit from it, by all means, speak up.  Or like someone told me a long time ago, “If you don’t toot your own horn,  no one is gonna do it for you.”  Other things – and some I’ve said here already – is if you don’t ask, you won’t know and if you don’t try, you can’t fail and probably the best one I can come up with is that if it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

The downside is the easy way to make it happen is to introduce some unethical infidelity into things – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

One question I’ve heard is, “How do I convince him/her that this is important to me?” and the only answer I can give is, “The best way you can.”  Another is, “What if they don’t wanna hear it?”  Judgement call time – you can leave it alone or, if it really and truly means something to you, “make” them hear it – insist that they hear what’s on your mind and why it is.  My first wife, I have to say, handled this in a very efficient and direct way by telling me, “I’m going to do this whether I have your blessing or not.”  This ultimatum has also been resorted to and no one likes getting punched in the face with one so, to that end, if you find yourself having to do there, you’d better mean it and you’d better be prepared to carry it out; otherwise, it’s just an empty “threat” and one that will be ignored.

Now to the “doing” part.  Now, it can be a bit of a stretch to imagine yourself being intimate with someone else other than your partner but your brain can work that out just fine, well, until you actually have to do it but that’s something else.  In part of your planning to bring this up, I’ve suggested to the person wanting this to imagine one thing, if they can:  Imagine your partner having sex with someone else and if that bakes your noodle, you can get a good idea of how they’re going to react to what you’re thinking about proposing.  Then there’s this:  If that makes you sick to your stomach, find a way to get over it and pretty damned quick because, in a lot of situations and cases I know of – including the one I got bitch-slapped with – the answer to, “What’s in it for me?” is or can be, “You can be free to have sex with anyone you want to…” and, again, you’d better mean this and be prepared to make good on it.

After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander… except when the goose and gander are you and your partner.

See, you have to be able to respond and deal with any objections your non-bisexual partner is guaranteed to bring up, including the obvious fact that married people aren’t supposed to even think about this.  Surprisingly, Dale Carnegie actually wrote a book about how to sell anyone anything and it tell you how anyone can learn to sell air conditioners in hell and ice cubes to an Eskimo… and it actually works because for every objection the other person has, you have a way to, essentially, make it a non-issue.  My favorite is the guy looking a that nice sports car and the salesman asks, “What’s it gonna take for me to put you in this car?” and the guy says, “I dunno – I’d have to talk to my wife about it.”  A legit reason… but the salesman counters with, “Okay, here – use my phone and call her and let’s talk to her!”

You see how it worked?  The reason not to was kicked right to the curb but the not-so-easy part is to be able to keep negating their objections in this but if you’re good at playing the “What If?” game, I’d say you stand a good chance in this.

It’s just not easy and I’m not gonna lie to you or make it seem like it is or should be.  Your argument for this will be more logical than emotional; their response will be more emotional than logical and, again, logic always loses and as indicated by the other person saying these two words:

“Yeah, but…”  That means that, logically and intelligently, they understand what you’re telling them – and the “but” is their emotion-driven response that, strangely, appears to be logical – and it isn’t.

If all of this is making you feel some kind of way – and it ain’t a good way – now you know why a lot of people in need of an open relationship to get the other stuff they need won’t ask for it – it’s too much to think about, too much stuff that has to be done, too much stuff that’s like giving away the store or throwing the baby out with the bath water or, in other words, it’s just not worth the aggravation.  And I say to anyone who feels like this that if your continued mental and physical well-being isn’t worth the aggravation, there’s is something really and seriously wrong with you – and it’s not being bisexual.

The thing is, again, if you don’t ask, you really won’t know how they’ll answer.  Maybe they say no, maybe they won’t – you just cannot ever fail if you never try and if acting on your bisexuality means that much to you, why would you not try?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

It’s Kinda Disturbing

I believe that all bisexuals should stand up for their right to self-determination, meaning that if they want, need, choose to be bisexual, well, that’s what they need in their lives and as long as it doesn’t start some kind of “crime wave,” it’s all good.  I’ve had the somewhat unique position to have been bisexual for 54 of my 63 years of life and I’ve seen changes in sexuality that, perhaps, more… modern bisexuals aren’t aware of, not out of any sense of “ignorance” but we usually don’t pay a lot of attention to history:

What happened in the past should stay in the past.

In the past, homosexual caught very bad breaks and I’m being ultra-nice saying it like this.  Subject to ridicule, being shunned, unnecessary violence up to and including being murdered for being different.  All of this gave homosexuals the motivation and impetus to make their cause a more political one; they have rights and they were being abused right along with them being abused in ways that could qualify some folks to be classed as war criminals as they committed crimes against humanity.  Their movement became a political one and they fought long and terrible battles for decades to be treated just like everyone who wasn’t gay was and to not be treated like third class citizens because, just like everyone else, they work, get education, pay taxes and, once upon a time, served this country and putting their lives on the line for what we stood for as a country and risking exposure, dishonorable discharge, and humiliation.  So when the individual states, slowly but inevitably, said that if you’re gay, not only can you marry but even if you’re just partnered, you have the same rights as everyone else does.

It was a great political victory for homosexuals and one that spread to other countries.  We used politics to force everyone to recognize an aspect of our humanity that, for centuries, was trying to be eradicated and by any means necessary… and it failed.

Along the way, bisexuality was on the rise but due to the ruckus over homosexuality, they stayed hidden, off the radar, and avoiding having that target painted on them because then and, sadly, like today, some folks don’t differentiate between bisexuality and homosexuality:  If it looks like a fag or a dyke, it must be a fag or a dyke.  I’ve often written that calling someone a switch-hitter or implying that they were “playing for both teams” often seemed to be more of a joke than an insult and, mostly, a way for guys to tease each other about how much sex we were supposedly getting and right along at how one would need a powerful microscope to see some guy’s cock, you know, seeing as how it was small and all that.  We’d even see guys (in particular) faking the funk, decrying anything that looked gay but, secretly, oh, yeah, they liked the D very much.

So as homosexuals publicly and politically fought their good fight, bisexuals continued to fly under the radar and even under the premise that what you suspected about someone was one thing… but what you could prove was something else.

Today, there’s been a major uptick in the number of bisexuals, both male and female but what alarms people isn’t the number of women who are bisexual – women have, historically, gotten a pass in this and bisexual women gained celebrity status a long time ago – the most-desired unicorn.  And, really, if you know anything about women, you shouldn’t be surprised that they would turn to each other for a level of intimacy that few men could ever hope to achieve.  Sure, bi girls have been put on blast – they’re really lesbians or they’re faking it so they can get their hooks into a man and other absurd things like that.  But most alarming were the number of men turning to bisexuality and not understanding why and I’ve always believed – and continue to believe – that when we talk about this, we always discount the human element, preferring to focus on morality and social norms and, in the last few years, beginning to make bisexuality a political statement.

This author isn’t sure that it should be, any more than I understand what’s driving this.  Homosexuals and others suffering from biphobia say that bisexuals have a straight privilege that we shouldn’t have and it’s insane because, um, duh, when you’re bisexual, you’re straight and gay… and not really either thing exclusively.  They blindly overlook the fact that for a great many bisexuals, being straight is their default behavior so, as far as bisexuals are concerned, nope – how can we invoke a privilege that was, by its very nature, ours to begin with?

There’s been a lot of drama going on in LGBTQ+ communities about how bisexuals are being either excluded or treated like red-headed step-children and that the LGBTQ+ focus is more toward homosexuality than any of the other sexualities.  Some bisexuals are, in fact, standing up for their right to sit at the LGBTQ+ table while, sadly, many of those already at the table feel, think, believe, etc., that we really don’t have a place at their table… and I’m not sure we really need to.

This… push toward a more political solution bothers me although I do understand that sometimes, you need political action to evoke social change and I’m just not sure what political action could accomplish when bisexuals, unlike homosexuals, usually and generally don’t have a problem with their rights in this violated, stomped on, and ignored… but there’s a faction that is all about doing just this and all indications point to the very organization that’s supposed to be on our side:  The LGBTQ+ community.

Not all of them, mind you – just a segment that, I dunno, believes that their cause is theirs alone and, um, because we’re not really gay, we don’t belong and if you paid attention to the raft and rush of biphobia, you’d see a particular tone to the smear campaign that, in my opinion, reeks of homosexual angst more than heterosexual angst but is made to look as if heterosexuals are the one pitching a royal bitch about the existence of bisexuals.  Sure, many straight folks are against anything and anyone who isn’t straight like they are but, at minimum and as I’ve observed, many straight folks are rather Not In My Back Yard about bisexuality; as long as you’re not trying to do the nasty to them and theirs, they don’t care what bisexuals are doing.

Part of the quasi-political push comes in the form of bisexuals being greatly urged to come out, stand up, and be accounted for and a lot of bisexuals ain’t trying to hear that because despite the inherent difficulties in being bisexual, they were – and are – doing just fine staying off the radar, thank you very much.  If you’re not gonna accept that we are real and it is what it is, just leave us alone and let us go on with our lives.

Of course, the biggest hurdle – or, dare I be a bit crude and say cluster fuck – is bisexuality in relationships, a problem many of us here are all too aware of… and I just don’t see how any political-like action is going to be able to do anything about this; what we need to do is look at the humanity in this and understand that the rules that govern how we are to be in a relationship are outdated, archaic, and in great need of revision to conform with how humans are today, here in the 21st century.  In relationships, we must or should take those promises and vows to do whatever we need to do to make each other happy a bit more literally and to understand that love, in and of itself, isn’t selfish and a lot of other things and behaviors that we routinely display in relationships and all because not only are we following an outdated notion of what this means, we have our own interpretations of what being in a relationship means and, specifically, what cannot ever be allowed, oh, like having a bisexual wife who, if she could openly have a girlfriend – and while also handling her expected wifely duties, would be the happiest of campers.  Or the bisexual husband who’d be more at peace with himself and focused toward doing his best for his family if he could – and I beg your forgiveness – occasionally suck some dick, not because he’s a pervert or hates his wife but because it’s the thing that makes him okay with himself, makes him feel whole and good.

And what makes your partner a happy camper is what’s best for the relationship… or so you’d think.  There’s a reason why the United States has always led the league in divorces; likewise, there’s a reason why bisexuals are seen as leading the league in cheating, too, and that’s because of the way we think about relationships and how utterly selfish we can be and, sometimes, how stupid we can be because we do not understand that if you don’t want your partner to cheat on you for any reason, remove any problem or issue that would “force” someone to make such a decision.

In this, we really and seriously need to stop thinking about me and thinking more about us and get the notion that we can be all and everything our partner will ever need out of our heads because the reality is, nope, that ain’t the way it works because, again, begging forgiveness for this crudeness, when your wife needs pussy to make her happy, dude, you don’t have one; likewise, if your husband needs dick to keep him on track with himself and his duties, baby girl, you don’t have one and a fake one is, more often than not, a poor substitute for the real thing… but many women are very much aware of this little factoid, aren’t you?

We should be more about that which will make us happy, individually and as a couple, instead of getting bent all out of shape because your partner needs something that you’re not equipped to provide – and then acting like they shouldn’t need this for themselves.  And the very sad part is that we aren’t; the good part is that this unloving behavior is starting to change – just not fast enough to make some people happy and not fast enough to save relationships that, otherwise, are working quite well.

It’s not a political thing; it’s an education thing and understanding what it really means to be human for a great many of us.  “Brenda” might need a girlfriend to take care of needs that her husband, “Jeff” can’t handle; doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him and it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need him because if that were the case, they wouldn’t be together at all.  We assume that if this allowed to happen, only bad things can come of it – it’s guaranteed to go wrong and I’m the guy who’ll tell you that it doesn’t always go wrong and it only does because one partner thinks or otherwise believes that they’re being offended and disrespected and that wanting more than what you already have is just plain wrong.  We fear loss more than we do rejection… yet, we will willingly throw away perfectly good relationships because of what we believe – and what we believe really isn’t the truth of things.  You say you love her and would do anything for her?  Then give her what she needs – give her the freedom to take care of her, ah, female needs for another woman; it’ll make her happy and in turn will make you happy unless you like living with someone who has become a prime candidate to have a house dropped on her.

To any and all partners who’d object to this, be advised that this ain’t about you – this is about that person you said that you loved, needed, and would do anything short of murdering someone for no reason for them.  Be advised that the problem isn’t them – it’s you; they’re just trying to be the human being they need to be and with you at their side, you know, for better or worse, and all because you believe in something that has been proven time and time again not to work the way they said it’s supposed to.

Bisexuality isn’t a political thing:  It’s a people thing.  We need to change minds and that change begins with the person you’re with and it is, again, changing… and without politics being involved.  We just really need to be better to and for each other and instead of thinking what you might be losing in this, think more about what you stand to gain:

A partner who will love you even more than they already do.  No politics involved because we don’t need political action – and love sure as hell doesn’t.

Thus endeth the rant.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

“How Do I…?”

When it comes to bisexuality, there are a lot of questions that start with the word, “how,” from how to, um, do certain things (trying to be PC here), how to tell someone that you’re bisexual and while these two in particular can produce some mild headaches and a bit of heartburn, nothing fries one’s noodle than these two questions:  How do I get permission to be openly bisexual and how do I find someone to be bisexual with?

And as I tell the guys on the bisexual forum I belong to, there’s no tried and true way to ask these questions, let alone get the answers that are needed.  Well, of the questions I posed. the first one is pretty easy to answer – the other three, eh, not so much.  You’d think that for those last three questions, you just tell your partner that we need to talk about something and just put it out there; you tell them how you feel, what you’re thinking about how your feeling, how long this has been on your mind, what you’d want to experience and even the type of person you’d like to experience things with.

Except, it’s never that easy.  I’d hazard a guess and say that if ten bisexuals had this discussion with their partner, maybe two of them would not only not get raked over hot coals, tarred and feathered, but getting permission to act is also given, either singularly or as a joined kind of thing.  The others?  Let it suffice to say that things are not going to go well for them even when a partner has opined that they don’t have a problem with bisexuals… as long as it ain’t got nothing to do with them.

Or you.

Still, they remain legitimate questions that, for a bisexual, has to be answered – there’s just no easy or simple way to get them.  It leaves one frustrated, miserable, depressed, etc., and more so when you’re in a relationship; you’re bound by the rules of monogamy and many bisexual find, in that moment of personal discovery, that monogamy sucks and not in a good way.  You’ve gotten hooked up with someone who loves you, understands you, would do anything within reason for you, only to find out that, nope, they’re not of a mind to let you explore your bisexual feelings.  At this point, a lot of bisexuals decide that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and the funny thing about asking permission is that almost everyone contemplating this automatically assumes that the answer will be no; the truth of this is that if you don’t ask, you really won’t know.

One thing that makes having such discussions with a partner is a total failure to communicate and I’ve seen this failure get to the point where talking about things sexual – and with the person you’re having sex with – is damned near impossible so you can probably imagine how having a conversation about bisexuality might go over.  Making this worse is you can be pretty sure how your partner might react to any of this and more so if you’ve spent any time listening to whatever is on their mind about homosexuality and more so when gay marriage is still rattling people’s cages as they find ways to cope with this… so telling them that you’re bisexual and that you’d like to have permission to get a boyfriend/girlfriend you can explore this with – and because if you don’t, they feel they’re going to be at risk where their sense of self and emotional well-being is concerned – will be, historically, met with a lot of negativity, quoting Old Testament stuff, and a scolding about what the sanctity of marriage means – and keep in mind that even unmarried couples are subject to these rules as well.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.   So far, this isn’t sounding good or making anyone feel good and for that, I am truly sorry and say again that there’s just no easy way to do this because if there was, I wouldn’t have to write this and it would be moot.  Now, it’s well-known that bisexuals are cheaters… except, that’s a partial truth because there are a lot of bisexuals who wouldn’t cheat even if their lives depended on it; the bad part is that they usually wind up suffering in a few ways because the urge and need to be bisexual – and not being able to – just eats them alive and in some very scary ways.  Why do bisexuals go on the down-low to do what they have to do?  I’ll say it again:

It’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.  It’s even true that a lot of bisexuals “step to the side” as an act of self-preservation, something that I think all bisexuals understand; discovering that you’re bisexual creates a great deal of internal stress – both physical and emotional – and I’m being nice saying it like that and the urge to get out there and do something is one of the most powerful things anyone can experience and the longer things go without being resolved or taken care of, the more powerful that urge becomes.  So it comes down to do something… or lose your ever-loving mind.

Now.   Partners who are, frankly, being a bitch about any of this, aren’t aware of how this can mess someone up and they aren’t aware of it because, in every situation I know of centered on this very thing, the partner makes it about them – what about their feelings and stuff like that, making you the bad guy/gal when, to be honest, they’re the villain in this because their objections and negativity is almost always interpreted as them saying they don’t care about how much this means to you; they only care about how they feel about it.  Once the bisexual partner has been “kicked to the curb” on this, what they don’t pay attention to is how their rejection will impact the relationship; sometimes, it’s subtle, sometimes it isn’t but you can bet your booty that it will be negatively impacted and will manifest itself in a lot of ways, from the bisexual partner being more cranky than usual to becoming depressed, uninterested in a lot of stuff (like having sex with you, you heartless asshole), and sometimes, when a partner does notice it, it’s not like they can’t figure out the answer to, “Hey – what’s going on with you?” – some just ignore all the strife going on with you and, again, more because they’re offended, hurt, feeling betrayed – whatever.

It’s just the tip of a very nasty iceberg and the sad part is that there are a lot of bisexuals who’ll choose to suffer with this and will never say anything about it… and that’s just not a healthy thing to do.  I’m not saying that all bisexuals who want to reveal themselves to a partner or even ask for permission should do so; you know the situation you’re in better than anyone and it all comes down to deciding whether bringing any of this up is worth the drama that may ensue.  And, at some point, someone might decide that if their partner isn’t willing to help them with this, it’s time to take matters into their own hand, aka Rule #1:

Take care of your own ass first.

So I tell bisexuals that in these things, you gotta do what will ultimately be the best thing for you to do and that, sometimes, the best thing you can do – not say anything about any of this – might not be the best thing to do.  It just isn’t easy but, at the same time, if you don’t say anything, you’ll never know where your partner stands on the matter or what they’re willing to do to make sure you don’t devolve in to a miserable and bitterly wretched person.

Having said all of this, can it be done?  Yes, it can be and for many, it still wasn’t easy to do.  If you’re determined to stand your ground in this, by all means, stand your ground but understand that there are always consequences and unless you’re prepared to deal with them, maybe it’s better not to say anything until you are prepared to deal with them.  Most certainly, this matter and those questions I mentioned will test not only one’s resolve, but the strength of their love for each other and their relationship and, sadly, many do find that their relationship isn’t as strong as they thought – or had hoped.

When my first wife asked for permission – demanded it, really – it put me in a bad spot and one where I had a choice to make and based on what she said to me, namely, “I’m going to do this with or without your blessing.”  The questions I asked myself went like this:  “Which thing could I live with – knowing what she was doing and who she was doing it with or not knowing?”  The most important question was, “Do I really love her as much as I swore that I do?”  Along with this one:  “Isn’t it my duty to do whatever I can do to make and keep her happy?” and “Don’t I have a responsibility where her mental health is concerned and if there’s something I can do to keep her from literally losing her mind, shouldn’t I do it?”  Even better:  “Do I want to live with someone who is going to make my life miserable because she can’t get what she needs?”

She wanted permission… and she got it; I would rather know what woman she’s sleeping with, I did love her as much as I said I did; it was my duty and responsibility to make her happy and keep her feeling good about herself… and giving permission was a lot easier than filing for divorce and throwing away all that we’d done to that point in time.  And, hell, no – I’d seen how miserable she was before the fact and it wasn’t pretty.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make and more so since I was only allowed a small space of time to think about it all and make a decision one way or the other.  Normally, I don’t respond well to ultimatums but this one couldn’t be ignored and, again, there was only one thing to do and that was to say to her, “So… how are we gonna make this work?”

Not “How are you gonna make this work.”  We.  Us.  I’ll be blunt and frank and stop being PC and say that one of the things I realized was that she wanted and needed something that I couldn’t give her:  Pussy.  The touch of another woman and an intimacy that men just completely fail to provide women.  That really messed my head up, you know, to find out that nope, I wasn’t everything she’d ever need and more so because, duh, I was born male.  That and this wasn’t about me and trying to make it about me would tell her that I didn’t care about this thing that was bothering the crap out of her – and I did notice how miserable she was and how it was affecting everything we did.  I hated what she had to say – and like most men would – but I also had to give her props for standing up and demanding to get what she needed and that she was willing to get it by any means necessary; fair would be better, but foul was something she was determine to invoke if necessary.

The bad part?  Not every partner is capable of looking at this the way I did.  Still, if you don’t try, you can’t fail and if you don’t ask, you won’t ever know.  It’s a judgement call, at the end of the day – make the call or don’t.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

Back Again!

It has, once again, been a very long time between visits here and the only excuse I can offer is that life just gets in the way of things and, admittedly, I get so wrapped up writing my own blog, I keep forgetting my status as a Contributing Author for this site.  So what’s been going on in the world of male bisexuality?

A lot of stuff!  There may not be a lot of men officially coming out as bisexual but there are a lot more men than I can remember who either want to take the plunge or have already dived in to test the waters and even more men who are in relationships with women who are trying to navigate this very precarious position… and quite a few who’ve gotten some buy-in with their lady and enough to have gotten permission to handle their M2M business, and exploring things like swinging, some light D/s play, even cuckolding.

But we’re still a very long way from a more overall acceptance of male bisexuality, even with the angst beginning to lessen somewhat.  I joined a couple of bisexual sites to see what my fellow bisexuals were up to and to lend my experience in this to those who had questions and needed answers and, sure, to make some new friends and I’ve seen that, indeed, the number of men who also like men has been growing but the lingering social problems continue to plague a great many men and to the point where many find themselves sitting on the bench, literally afraid to take the plunge.

Some guys talk about being “bored” with boy/girl sex and they’re looking for something different, something exciting to shake their sex life up… while many more men have given voice to their sadness and disappointment that women – and even women they’re involved with – are not all that willing to have sex as much as they may have once been and while women do seem to strive with in the state of celibacy, men have never done well here and the physical and psychological pressures of our built-in imperative to have sex makes a lot of guys turn to the only other alternative outside of masturbation:

Other guys who like guys.  While this would seem to make sense, what I’ve been seeing – and writing about on my own blog at times – is how something that used to be the hallmark of NSA/casual sex is becoming more heteronormative in nature; guys are turning their backs on casual sex in favor of a more relationship-like setting, like Friends With Benefits and a relationship state that was once all about all of the perks of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities… and that’s changed or, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you can’t have sex with me.”

If you read that last part and it sounds familiar, it should because it’s the same thing women have been telling men for as long as I can remember.  Men are now concerned about the protocols of dating other men, very resistant to sex on the first date, and more unwilling to plunge with each other without some kind of commitment in place and I’ve not been sure if things are heading in a more “normal” direction on their own or it’s just that guys are going about this in the only way they know how and using what it takes to be with a woman as the model and template for bypassing Mr. Right Now in favor of Mr. Right.

In the bisexual forum community, there seems to be a great disparity:  There are more bottoms than tops or, if you’re not familiar with the terms – and I mean no insult or offense – there are more guys who want to be “the girl” in all of this than there are guys who want to stay in the role of being “the guy.”  And to make things even more interesting, guys go about this in a way that makes me say, “If you think women are funny about sex, men are even funnier about it.”  Once upon a time, it was stupidly easy to find a guy to have sex with and all that was needed came in the form of two questions:  Do you wanna do it and what do you wanna do?  Indeed, a lot of guys turned bisexual just because it was easier to get a guy naked and in bed than it was to do the same thing with a woman…

And that’s changed.  It’s just not enough that two guys find that they have this in common and while there are still guys who are of a mind not to engage in anything that even remotely resembles a relationship, they’re becoming a minority and favoring the long-held belief that the only good and meaningful sex is relationship sex.  On top of this, a lot of men complain and bitch about not being able to find a guy to, say, have oral sex with… and I’m finding that what they’re really saying is that they can’t find the “man of their dreams” or cannot make real that perfect and most ideal situation that will allow them to explore their M2M desires; again, casual sex bad, relationship sex good and it stands to reason that there are men out there who either don’t want to be a FWB or, given their current relationship status, can’t engage like that without their female partner getting suspicious and they get outed and there’s goes the relationship with her.

Things are more confused and up in the air than at any other time I can remember and much of it is because there’s comparatively little or no acceptance of male bisexuality and more so for men who are already in a relationship – and a situation that many of the women on this very site understand as well.  It’s frustrating and depressing and you’d think it would as easy as sitting down with your partner and having a very deep and serious conversation about this because, after all, if they really have your back in all things, they should be willing and able to have your back in this… but not only is that not the reality of things, it seems to be even more unrealistic that a bisexual in a relationship can have this conversation with a partner who may or may not be harboring their own bisexual feelings.  So if we can’t talk about it, we’re not going to make a lot of progress toward acceptance of bisexuality as a “norm.”

Nature says it is, society says is should never be – but that doesn’t stop men or women from embracing their bisexuality but, yeah, it sure would be easier on everyone if we could just be bisexual without all the drama… and we’re just not even close to being there yet.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

It’s Been a While, Hasn’t It?

Let’s see… what have I been up to since I was last here, wow, almost a year ago?  Well, I had to have another repair done to the implant I had installed to fix an abdominal aortic aneurysm and the repair went well since I’m writing this.

As a member of a forum for bisexual men, I’ve been busy helping newbies get their head around bisexuality, dispelling myths, stuff like that, and I find it rather rewarding even though I can’t help but feel some sorrow for these men, many of which have yet to have their first experience with a guy.  Many of the guys are in a relationship with a woman who makes it nigh impossible for them to indulge themselves in their desires and fantasies.  They don’t want to cheat on their partner… but many think about it as the only solution available and I’m the guy who tells them that, um, if you think you can, it might be better to ask permission – who knows, you just might get it.

Still, interacting with these guys is interesting and serves to remind me that there was a time when I was a straight-up rookie in this; they have fears and concerns and a million questions about something that I take for granted so these budding bisexuals keep me grounded in reality.

The guy I’ve been mentoring, whew, he’s been busy exploring this side of the sexuality fence and he’s learning some hard lessons that he’s been having a few issues with, from dealing with how deceptive and shady some guys can be to having to deal with the guys he’s been having sex with developing deeper feelings for him than just lust – this has been giving him quite a few headaches because they are demanding exclusivity from him and giving him much grief because, by his own admission, he’s not even close to being ready to consider “settling” down with a man.

I “lecture” him about time management because he tends to let the men he’s involved with run his life, vying to dominate his free time and when he literally and barely has time to go to the bathroom due to increased workload on his job, man, do they get upset when they want to just drop in on him and he has to tell them, “No, not tonight…”  Now, I did warn him that this was gonna happen, that the pressure that’ll be put upon him to be monogamous and exclusive with a guy was going to be daunting; I’m not gonna say he didn’t believe me but I also knew he wasn’t going to take the easy route and follow the advice I gave him to minimize the impact he now feels himself dealing with.

Yeah, sometimes, you just gotta find out the hard way, dontcha?  He kinda reminds me of dealing with my children when they were growing up:  I’d tell them something for their own good and because I can easily see the mess they’re about to walk into; they’d say, “Yeah, Dad, I know, I know…” – and then fall into a mess that I either have to get them out of… or I’ll leave them in it so they can figure out how to get out of it themselves.

Mentoring is important and while some folks can become successful bisexuals without it, being bisexual is so horribly complicated that if you find you need a mentor, do whatever you gotta do to find one who’s gonna tell you the real deal about being bisexual and not just pat you on the behind and give you a false sense of security in this.  Bisexuality isn’t just a change in your sexual and emotional habits:  It’s life-altering stuff and there is much one needs to learn so that those alterations don’t become major problems.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author