The Fear of Loss

I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met who would like to explore bisexuality with another woman and it ain’t happening because of the fear of loss.  Most have a man – married, shacking up, etc., and losing the security in being in a relationship is of great concern and in some situations, finding themselves having to do some major damage control should homey decide to put her on blast for the relationship and then make everyone believe he was the real victim.

These two things, alone, will stop most women from cheating and, frankly, you can’t blame a woman for not wanting to put her situation in jeopardy.  Still, a lot of women have this fear of loss, fear some damage to their reputation… and decide it’s worth the risks to, at the very least, test the waters to see if getting the girlfriend they need is doable and how things are gonna have to work in order to pursue a clandestine relationship and, hopefully, without homey being the wiser.  Yes – it all sounds pretty messed up and more so when a lot of women would not look at it with much kindness if homey were to cheat on her so now it’s thinking about why you’d want to do something that you’d crucify homey for.

Believe me – it can and has been justified and the fear of loss be damned.  As such, there are three choices available:  Ask for permission, proceed without permission, and to do nothing… and any of the three can be problematic and this is almost immediately apparent when a woman is sitting and thinking about what she can do with the way she’s been feeling.  It’s enough to put a woman in a very funky mood to see that she can’t win without losing so they choose to do nothing and winds up in even more of a funky a foul mood and tends to find out – and what many bisexuals in a relationship find out – that this being married/hooked up ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

While many women will not step to the side to scratch their itch for the touch of another woman – and because of the fear of loss – many often become aware of what they’ve already lost and high up on this list is her individuality and followed by losing her right to make decisions for herself without hubby’s approval and I’m talking about “simple” things like one woman I know wanted to go to college and get the degree she always wanted… and her husband slammed the door on it so hard the “frame” cracked; he told her she didn’t need to this and there were things around the house she could do to keep her busy.  If she had a lot of female friends prior to getting married, chances are she’s gonna lose a lot of them, not because she’s now a married woman but because her husband will drive them away and with the thought that she doesn’t need anyone else in her life but him and sometimes that includes alienating her from her family.

If she’s retained her friends and under the “You ain’t ever gonna tell me who I can be friends with!” rule, maybe she can hang out with the girls, maybe she can’t because he’s gonna raise all kinds of hell so to avoid any further arguments, no hanging out with the girls.  There really did used to be a time when a man didn’t want his woman working but these days, two incomes are very much needed so at least a woman can go to work and interact with her coworkers and all that but making new friends at work, eh, that might be a problem all by itself and telling him that you and a couple of the girls at work are gonna make a pit stop for a drink after work might make him feel some kind of way.

A lot of women in this situation feel as if they don’t have a life other than the one they voluntarily conscripted themselves into.  The loss of individuality.  The loss of that sense of freedom to act on anything that may be of benefit to her.  The loss of social interaction with other women she may resonate with.  And losses that are magnified by their fear of losing him and even vilified because she has the utter gall to want more than he’s able – or willing – to give.

The bad news?  I don’t know what to tell y’all about finding a remedy to this predicament.  As a husband, well, I know what I’d do but I’m a special kind of guy and I know not all guys are like this.  I’m a bit of an advocate for female bisexuality as much as I am for male bisexuality and I kinda hate it when I have to backpedal and tell my fellow bisexuals who are trapped by the fear of loss to do their best to prevent loss… but do what you gotta do.  Being monogamous?  I’m no longer a fan and while there are benefits to being monogamous, there are more downsides to it so it’s not only bad to be trapped by that fear of loss, the trap tightens under the guise monogamous bliss which, depending on how it’s being interpreted, can result in those other losses I mentioned earlier.

Historically, women have been of a mind that if you can’t accept me as I am – and you’d better know that I’m subject to change more than the weather – then you need to keep on walking.  And the mistake guys make is that we do say that we accept a woman as they are… and in that moment… and not give a single thought to who she might be at any other point in time and, again, just forgetting and even ignoring that she’s liable and capable of changing her mind faster than the speed of light… and then, perhaps, being foolish enough to believe that we can deal with those changes.  I mean, if you’re a guy, meeting a woman you like is also like sitting on a hand grenade that has its pin pulled – you just don’t know when it’s gonna go off and some guys compare this to trying to walk through a minefield and knowing that one wrong step is gonna be a bad one.  Some of us are also stupid enough to really believe that because we’re husband, wifey is just gonna do whatever we tell them to do… or not to do and, yeah, a lot of times, that doesn’t work all that well for him.

Telling a woman what she can’t do is usually the fastest way to ensure she’s gonna do it – and sometimes out of sheer spite.  How dare you!   You ain’t my daddy and you ain’t the boss of me!  So telling her that she can’t do something that she thinks is going to benefit her, well, that’s not going to go over very well with her and especially this bisexual thing.  I’d like to say that I don’t know why more men are not of a mind to let their woman be the woman she needs to be but I’d be lying – I do know and some of it is a man’s own fear of loss which, by the way, is why so many guys bring up the much-dreaded threesome or try to put whatever she may want to do on lockdown as much as possible because he might not say it but he’s very much afraid of losing her – and losing her to another woman.

The whole model of what it means to be in a relationship needs to be seriously revised.  That “keeping only unto yourself” thing works for some, not so much for others and instead of couples working together to make their relationship the best it can be, they wind up working toward making sure they remain stuck in place and with no changes allowed.  We never, ever account for the fact that as a person, we have things we desire but one of the foibles of being in a relationship is the contention that to be in a relationship, sacrifices must be made and in the form of giving up a whole lot of things to ensure that your partner doesn’t leave you.  We all know what marriage is… but we don’t all agree on what being married means – and I’ll point out again that if you’re in a non-married relationship, the same rules apply.  Instead of a relationship being the partnership it was probably meant to be, it usually winds up being a dictatorship where one person decides that their idea of being in a relationship is the only way to be in one and, to that end, their word is law and if you don’t like it, get out.

It’s no wonder that bisexuals have the bad rap of being cheaters because the tenets of monogamy just does not allow for these kind of changes to occur without dissolving the relationship which, time and time again, I tend to point out isn’t always the smartest thing to do.  People cheat because their needs are either not being met or are being ignored… and they feel that they have no other choice than to go this route – it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – because doing nothing about this can be a lot more damaging than the loss of a relationship can be.  I personally just do not understand why a man who knows his woman wants and needs another woman in her life won’t let her go about this given that a woman who gets denied this freedom tends to get… bitchy – and that’s being nice about it.  You’ve now scorned her… and you’re gonna wind up paying for it and usually along the line of the death of a thousand cuts and, oh, yeah – if you were worried about losing her, you just pretty much set yourself up for that dreaded loss to occur.

In this, there is always honor to be considered and it’s not to be taken lightly but some real-deal truth is that honor doesn’t hold a lot of water when there’s a reason to invoke Rule #1 – Take care of your own ass first.  It’s self-preservation, actually, that need to save yourself from a potentially damaging situation – and it can be an emotional need to save your ass (just as much as a physical one).  It creates a conundrum:  You don’t want to be… dishonorable but if you don’t do this, the damage to your self-esteem can be great and unrepairable… but if you do go behind homey’s back, yeah, you could lose him and it’s not in your best interest to suffer that loss.  So what do you do when doing nothing just might be quite harmful to you and your mental health?

This is where it gets iffy and perhaps a bits risky.  Ask for permission but before you even bring this to his attention, be ready to present a good argument on why you should be allowed to do this and be ready to make some concessions and some that, bleh, you might not want to make.  Don’t let him tell you that there’s no way you can be feeling the way you do; this is not some phase or silly shit like that and if you accept this, well, ladies, he’s minimizing you and implying that you don’t know how you’re feeling – but he somehow does.  Don’t let him make this all about him and know that he’s gonna do just that and don’t make the mistake in presenting this as just being about you; it’s really about the both of you and what the two of you can do to attend to this need.  Relationships aren’t just about sacrifice – they’re about compromise, too, and wanting to have a girlfriend is about compromise – giving something in order to get something and if you’re not prepared to entertain anything he might want in return, don’t say anything to him about this.

It’s not going to be easy – duh – but you can’t give up after one conversation and the smart move is to wait for a period of time and bring it up again and, yeah, pointing out some stuff that he just might be aware of, oh, like how much less you’ve been interacting with him and what being denied this is doing to your state of mind.  If you fold up like a house of cards after the first conversation, well, you’ve failed yourself and have further contributed to giving up your sense of self.  He’s gonna be pissy but you might even remind him that his job is to make and keep you happy in all things and not just the things he thinks you need.  So if you’re of a mind to ask permission, get ready for a fight and be ready to be in this fight for the long haul.  A lot of women do this because this is so important to them that giving up on it isn’t a viable option…

So guess what happens next.  Yep, you know – she does it anyway and despite the fear of loss and reprisal and the legalities be damned.  I don’t encourage women to cheat – I just know that if they have reason to, they will and I’m the guy who will tell other guys that if you don’t want her cheating on you, your best bet is to give her permission to be the woman she needs to be and learn to deal with your own sense of loss and get it out of your head that you know what’s best for her…

Because you really don’t. I say to all of you that you have the power to effect change in a situation that, by design, does not and will not allow for such changes.  I don’t know about any other husband or boyfriend but I’d rather be with a woman who is happy being the woman she is than to be with one who is supremely miserable and because my own stubbornness and, dare I say, ignorance, is responsible for the way she’s feeling and behaving.  I say to every woman reading this that if you’re not gonna stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to?  Him?  Well, you almost know how that’s been working for you, huh?

The fear of loss is powerful… but losing yourself is even more powerful.  It’s human nature to do anything that can be done for the sake of self-preservation and this is no different.  Women don’t want to cheat any more than men really want to; I know why cheating happens and the biggest contributor to needs not being met, address, or ignored is a massive failure to communicate.  If hubby asks you what’s wrong and you say, “Nothing…” you’ve failed.  If you tell him what’s wrong and he pitches a bitch about it, he’s failed to do the one thing he needed to do:  Listen to what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.  If you’re afraid to say something to him about this because you “know” he’s gonna say no, well, hmm – he might not because you think you know him… and you might not know him as well as you think you do and no more than he thinks he really knows you.

If you don’t try, you fail.  If you don’t keep trying, you fail.  If you’re not willing to concede some stuff to get what you want, you fail.  Because in any of this, yes – it’s about you… and not really since what you do affects him as well.  And if it comes to pass that negotiation continues to fail and more… extreme measures are called for, all I can say is that I hope you have a plan and a damned good one because if you get busted, that fear of loss will become a very real thing.


3 thoughts on “The Fear of Loss

  1. Hi, Lovin your blogs, fascinating hearing from ‘the other side’ especially someone who thinks differently to my husband. He is like “You can have sex with whoever you want so long as I’m there”. What he doesn’t say is “so long as I’m also included”. We met a girl online and me and her had a huge sexual connection which then turned more into an emotional connection when hubs stopped the sex (because he felt totally threatened). It had to end and it broke my heart. We do it on the odd occasion now through Fab Swingers, just girls (husband is straight and I only need girls). It rarely happens and when it does I just crave the girl on her own… I feel I can handle this life I have given myself, the price is too high to rock the boat. Your thoughts would be appreciated…. x

    1. Men… and women wonder why we can be so childish, huh? The thing is that if you think the price is too high, then don’t rock the boat too much since you seem to be able to indulge in some way (unless I read this wrong). But there’s the fear of loss kicking in, huh? And does your hubby understand that cutting you off from sex with him ain’t helping matters one bit? And you can tell him I said that; it’s the one huge mistake he shouldn’t make because duh, if he’s worried about you leaving him for a hot babe, he’s actually making that easier.

      Even I told my wife, when we got things hashed out, to not even think about not having sex with me because I sure as hell plan on having sex with her… and the sex was even more incredible than it originally was, by the way because, as a guy – and I almost hate to say this – but it’s very hot knowing that your woman knows women like you do.

      Would talking to him again be warranted? I’d say yes but only you know if it’s possible or not even if it’s to get him doing what he’s supposed to be doing and stop pouting like a little kid. I’d like to say I can’t believe he did that but I can’t because I might it know women all that well but I do know guys – and we can behave like that and it’s very unbecoming and not adult-like at all.


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