“How Do I…?”

When it comes to bisexuality, there are a lot of questions that start with the word, “how,” from how to, um, do certain things (trying to be PC here), how to tell someone that you’re bisexual and while these two in particular can produce some mild headaches and a bit of heartburn, nothing fries one’s noodle than these two questions:  How do I get permission to be openly bisexual and how do I find someone to be bisexual with?

And as I tell the guys on the bisexual forum I belong to, there’s no tried and true way to ask these questions, let alone get the answers that are needed.  Well, of the questions I posed. the first one is pretty easy to answer – the other three, eh, not so much.  You’d think that for those last three questions, you just tell your partner that we need to talk about something and just put it out there; you tell them how you feel, what you’re thinking about how your feeling, how long this has been on your mind, what you’d want to experience and even the type of person you’d like to experience things with.

Except, it’s never that easy.  I’d hazard a guess and say that if ten bisexuals had this discussion with their partner, maybe two of them would not only not get raked over hot coals, tarred and feathered, but getting permission to act is also given, either singularly or as a joined kind of thing.  The others?  Let it suffice to say that things are not going to go well for them even when a partner has opined that they don’t have a problem with bisexuals… as long as it ain’t got nothing to do with them.

Or you.

Still, they remain legitimate questions that, for a bisexual, has to be answered – there’s just no easy or simple way to get them.  It leaves one frustrated, miserable, depressed, etc., and more so when you’re in a relationship; you’re bound by the rules of monogamy and many bisexual find, in that moment of personal discovery, that monogamy sucks and not in a good way.  You’ve gotten hooked up with someone who loves you, understands you, would do anything within reason for you, only to find out that, nope, they’re not of a mind to let you explore your bisexual feelings.  At this point, a lot of bisexuals decide that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and the funny thing about asking permission is that almost everyone contemplating this automatically assumes that the answer will be no; the truth of this is that if you don’t ask, you really won’t know.

One thing that makes having such discussions with a partner is a total failure to communicate and I’ve seen this failure get to the point where talking about things sexual – and with the person you’re having sex with – is damned near impossible so you can probably imagine how having a conversation about bisexuality might go over.  Making this worse is you can be pretty sure how your partner might react to any of this and more so if you’ve spent any time listening to whatever is on their mind about homosexuality and more so when gay marriage is still rattling people’s cages as they find ways to cope with this… so telling them that you’re bisexual and that you’d like to have permission to get a boyfriend/girlfriend you can explore this with – and because if you don’t, they feel they’re going to be at risk where their sense of self and emotional well-being is concerned – will be, historically, met with a lot of negativity, quoting Old Testament stuff, and a scolding about what the sanctity of marriage means – and keep in mind that even unmarried couples are subject to these rules as well.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.   So far, this isn’t sounding good or making anyone feel good and for that, I am truly sorry and say again that there’s just no easy way to do this because if there was, I wouldn’t have to write this and it would be moot.  Now, it’s well-known that bisexuals are cheaters… except, that’s a partial truth because there are a lot of bisexuals who wouldn’t cheat even if their lives depended on it; the bad part is that they usually wind up suffering in a few ways because the urge and need to be bisexual – and not being able to – just eats them alive and in some very scary ways.  Why do bisexuals go on the down-low to do what they have to do?  I’ll say it again:

It’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.  It’s even true that a lot of bisexuals “step to the side” as an act of self-preservation, something that I think all bisexuals understand; discovering that you’re bisexual creates a great deal of internal stress – both physical and emotional – and I’m being nice saying it like that and the urge to get out there and do something is one of the most powerful things anyone can experience and the longer things go without being resolved or taken care of, the more powerful that urge becomes.  So it comes down to do something… or lose your ever-loving mind.

Now.   Partners who are, frankly, being a bitch about any of this, aren’t aware of how this can mess someone up and they aren’t aware of it because, in every situation I know of centered on this very thing, the partner makes it about them – what about their feelings and stuff like that, making you the bad guy/gal when, to be honest, they’re the villain in this because their objections and negativity is almost always interpreted as them saying they don’t care about how much this means to you; they only care about how they feel about it.  Once the bisexual partner has been “kicked to the curb” on this, what they don’t pay attention to is how their rejection will impact the relationship; sometimes, it’s subtle, sometimes it isn’t but you can bet your booty that it will be negatively impacted and will manifest itself in a lot of ways, from the bisexual partner being more cranky than usual to becoming depressed, uninterested in a lot of stuff (like having sex with you, you heartless asshole), and sometimes, when a partner does notice it, it’s not like they can’t figure out the answer to, “Hey – what’s going on with you?” – some just ignore all the strife going on with you and, again, more because they’re offended, hurt, feeling betrayed – whatever.

It’s just the tip of a very nasty iceberg and the sad part is that there are a lot of bisexuals who’ll choose to suffer with this and will never say anything about it… and that’s just not a healthy thing to do.  I’m not saying that all bisexuals who want to reveal themselves to a partner or even ask for permission should do so; you know the situation you’re in better than anyone and it all comes down to deciding whether bringing any of this up is worth the drama that may ensue.  And, at some point, someone might decide that if their partner isn’t willing to help them with this, it’s time to take matters into their own hand, aka Rule #1:

Take care of your own ass first.

So I tell bisexuals that in these things, you gotta do what will ultimately be the best thing for you to do and that, sometimes, the best thing you can do – not say anything about any of this – might not be the best thing to do.  It just isn’t easy but, at the same time, if you don’t say anything, you’ll never know where your partner stands on the matter or what they’re willing to do to make sure you don’t devolve in to a miserable and bitterly wretched person.

Having said all of this, can it be done?  Yes, it can be and for many, it still wasn’t easy to do.  If you’re determined to stand your ground in this, by all means, stand your ground but understand that there are always consequences and unless you’re prepared to deal with them, maybe it’s better not to say anything until you are prepared to deal with them.  Most certainly, this matter and those questions I mentioned will test not only one’s resolve, but the strength of their love for each other and their relationship and, sadly, many do find that their relationship isn’t as strong as they thought – or had hoped.

When my first wife asked for permission – demanded it, really – it put me in a bad spot and one where I had a choice to make and based on what she said to me, namely, “I’m going to do this with or without your blessing.”  The questions I asked myself went like this:  “Which thing could I live with – knowing what she was doing and who she was doing it with or not knowing?”  The most important question was, “Do I really love her as much as I swore that I do?”  Along with this one:  “Isn’t it my duty to do whatever I can do to make and keep her happy?” and “Don’t I have a responsibility where her mental health is concerned and if there’s something I can do to keep her from literally losing her mind, shouldn’t I do it?”  Even better:  “Do I want to live with someone who is going to make my life miserable because she can’t get what she needs?”

She wanted permission… and she got it; I would rather know what woman she’s sleeping with, I did love her as much as I said I did; it was my duty and responsibility to make her happy and keep her feeling good about herself… and giving permission was a lot easier than filing for divorce and throwing away all that we’d done to that point in time.  And, hell, no – I’d seen how miserable she was before the fact and it wasn’t pretty.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make and more so since I was only allowed a small space of time to think about it all and make a decision one way or the other.  Normally, I don’t respond well to ultimatums but this one couldn’t be ignored and, again, there was only one thing to do and that was to say to her, “So… how are we gonna make this work?”

Not “How are you gonna make this work.”  We.  Us.  I’ll be blunt and frank and stop being PC and say that one of the things I realized was that she wanted and needed something that I couldn’t give her:  Pussy.  The touch of another woman and an intimacy that men just completely fail to provide women.  That really messed my head up, you know, to find out that nope, I wasn’t everything she’d ever need and more so because, duh, I was born male.  That and this wasn’t about me and trying to make it about me would tell her that I didn’t care about this thing that was bothering the crap out of her – and I did notice how miserable she was and how it was affecting everything we did.  I hated what she had to say – and like most men would – but I also had to give her props for standing up and demanding to get what she needed and that she was willing to get it by any means necessary; fair would be better, but foul was something she was determine to invoke if necessary.

The bad part?  Not every partner is capable of looking at this the way I did.  Still, if you don’t try, you can’t fail and if you don’t ask, you won’t ever know.  It’s a judgement call, at the end of the day – make the call or don’t.

 

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

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