Two weeks ago SHE, my HER, the one I loved and lost, walked right back into my life and threw my heart into a whirl wind.
She’s married now. She’s monogamous now.
She’s a dedicated mother-to his child now. She lives VERY far away now.
But she’s here now.
Shit. 😦 🙂 ???
This is the woman I loved and lost. The woman that makes my heart flutter when I think about her, the one that my dreams are literally made of, the one who’s voice makes me happy, who’s smell I clearly remember years later…the woman I would have married…if I could have.
I don’t believe in marrying a woman for myself due to religious beliefs but I DO NOT discriminate on other’s beliefs. To each his/her own. Each person has their own personal beliefs.
My beliefs wouldn’t let me marry Her. So I married Him.
He’s not second best in the least, he wasn’t my second choice. He was my first and only choice…in a man.
She was my first and only choice of women.
She couldn’t deal with the idea of being in a polyamourous relationship.
She believes in devoted monogamy.
She wanted us to love each other until the end of time, just her and I, and I wanted to so bad.
I could have rode off into the sunset with her on any given day…but I couldn’t be with just her.
I am bisexual.
I am not a lesbian.
I am not heterosexual.
I love men.
I love women.
I always think about what life would be like had I married her…
His step-daughter, soon to be legally adopted daughter, would be my stepdaughter. The woman I love would be wearing my ring, not his. I wouldn’t have the beautiful and growing family I have today. I wouldn’t have the wonderful husband I searched 20 years for today. I would have her laughter, her touch, the smell of her in my bed when I woke up for work in the morning, not just the memory of her. I wouldn’t have the many glorious moments my husband and I have shared since our first date. I’d have a woman who I know would love me until the end of time as long as I loved her the same.
Since we’ve connected again we talk by phone, we text. I am grateful to just hear her voice again, look forward to her calls, her texts. 🙂
We talked about our past, how we split and where this may go, if anywhere, from here.
Her and I are a lot alike…
I’m no cheater or homewrecker. Neither is she.
We both have husbands, who know of our connection and prior relationship.
I respect her marriage as she respects the boundaries of mine. Her husband is a lucky man and I respect all the hard work he’s put into making the woman I love happy. That’s what counts to me, that she’s happy.
I don’t know if I’m capable of being just her friend. But I’ll sure try my best just to have the smallest things about her in my life. Only thing is, I feel like I can’t be with another woman while she’s anywhere remotely near my Universe. It’s already been a challenge putting her out of my heart and moving on.
She is the only female planet I want to live on, but there may be no oxygen for me to live in her world right now.
While I’m struggling to find another woman to replace what her and I had, I know I’m trying to do just that. Find someone to replace her, when she just can’t be replaced.
New Year, new situations that’s for sure.
What does the New Year have in store?
-Jay Dee, Founder