Personal Identity, Labels & Relationships

As of late I have been supporting youth in my personal life with a wide diversity of bisexuality.

I decided to share some of these complex relationship situations because it’s always ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to me the many varying possibilities for bisexuality/bicurious/bierotic/pansexual/queer expressionism/etc.

One is ultra feminine, dates young men and secretly has “best friends” that are just as feminine. She considers herself straight…outwardly. She has a baby, is engaged and living with a male.

The other has a masculine presentation, identifies as a Lesbian, not trans, and dated other women with masculine presentation most of her life. Most of her life she’s spent dispelling the label Trans because of her Androgynous appearance. She is currently pregnant, living with and engaged to a cis gender male after being secretly involved for the past few years.

The third is a young male who identifies as gay, is very masculine but has feminine tendencies. He has a daughter and has dated girls in the past. He works hard to hide his sexuality from those who don’t know him. He is in a long term relationship with a male but lives with a Lesbian identified roommate folks suspect is more than a roommate.

In each of these situations ‘bisexual’ is a bad word. Not because they don’t ‘feel’ bisexual but because in the worlds they live in, it’s not okay to BE bisexual.

The ‘Lesbian’ was petrified of social crucifixion when she ‘came out’ with her ‘hetero’ relationship. She was pressured to change her gender presentation by her fiance, struggles with self identity, and tends to be generally unhappy in her long term relationship with a male. She’s ‘not herself’ since her transition out of her ‘Lesbian’ lifestyle, despite being ‘happy’, ‘in love’ and building a family with the opposite gender, living the life she was ‘expected’ to lead. She’s grown away from most of her ‘friends’, doesn’t have much of a social life anymore and is normally ‘bored’ where she was once very socially active.

The Ultra Feminine Mom wouldn’t dare openly admit her sexuality, even in the face of those who know her sexuality, and her female partners. It’s a secret until the secret has been exposed time and time again, then reluctantly but with surety she will selectively admit she’s bisexual to the persistent inquirer. She hides her sexuality, guarded under the guise of privacy…but bisexual must be a bad word in her world if she can’t say it to even those who know.

Last but not least is a tricky situation. The Young Male is bisexual. He knows he’s bisexual, will admit with a bit of questioning he is bisexual but he cringes at the thought of calling himself anything other than gay. He has had relationships with females, he has a child. He’s also in a long term committed relationship with a male, has lived with his ‘Lesbian’ roommate for a few years as well. In  his world bisexual is a bad word too. He can’t be bisexual, he’s gay…but he lusts for women and wouldn’t mind ‘a taste every now and then.’

Now, for myself. I am married to a cis gender male am a mother of 5 biological children. From age 13-18 I wore primarily masculine presentation, from 18-29 I was on a spiritual journey. From 29-present I wear primarily feminine clothing and some days I feel trapped in a gender presentation that is just not me, but is required of me due to my position in life. I generally prefer females but due to religious beliefs I chose to marry a man. I have been engaged to 2 females in my past. I am still madly in love with a woman I can’t have after 6 years of her in my heart, only 1 in my life, but that’s another story. Most days I feel masculine but I wear feminine clothing. I feel like I should have been born a male; but I am a very feminine woman grateful to have been born an attractive cis gender female.

My husband is a balance of masculine and feminine equally which is why he’s my husband. 🙂 He’s that perfect blend. My mother says I’m a repressed Lesbian trapped into heterosexual life due to religious beliefs. After much introspection I tend to believe she’s partially correct…but not wholly because I still love intimacy & even relationships with men. If I didn’t have such strong religious beliefs I’d be married to a woman with a male lover in my life most likely. I’m bisexual, not a Lesbian.

I have no social life due to the demands of family. I’d love to have female friends to hang out with, a girlfriend to have more with…I have no social life because hetero wives and mothers couldn’t understand my sexual identity as bisexual but married to a man, or my masculine gender presentation on some days. Lesbians don’t welcome bisexual women at all in the community I know. Bisexual wives and mothers are hard to find.

In all these cases that are very close to home I observe just how being bisexual can be so complex, especially to those who’s lives revolve around one particular identity. Despite what one feels inside it’s like society dictates what is okay and what is not okay to be. Where we belong is contingent upon what we identify as which can grow and change at times causing our lives to change in ways we may not necessarily want for ourselves.

All of us wish we could have our ideal lives. All of us wish being bisexual was easier, wish we could be ourselves, but for so many reasons we feel like we can’t be, it’s not okay to be, it’s not possible to be…true to ourselves.

-Jay Dee, Founder






4 thoughts on “Personal Identity, Labels & Relationships

  1. Thank you so much for writing this. You are providing a safe space for people who are being told that their identities don’t exist and that they are wrong for choosing to live the way they do. I am currently dealing with my sexuality within my long-term, (currently) monogamous, straight-seeming relationship. I have been realizing lately that I am mostly physically attracted to women while I am more emotionally attracted (and still somewhat physically attracted) to men. It has been this way since I was a child and I always felt that I would be with a man but still think about women sexually. My partner and I have overall good sex, especially when we are emotionally connected. Unfortunately the attraction-to-women issue has been causing me extreme guilt lately and due to this, it has been an issue in my relationship. My partner is aware of my queer identity and we are currently in counseling discussing the possibility of opening our relationship. I do have a question for you: is your husband aware that you generally prefer women? I am trying to figure out if I should discuss this (that I have stronger physical attraction to women than men) with my partner or if this would just make him upset. Thanks again for all you are doing.

  2. “The Ultra Feminine Mom” here!!! Thank you!! I giggled when I read this because of the truth of it. It is my life. I was openly bisexual before I was married and my husband supports me. But, as I became more “married” and then had children, the friends that I used to hang out with fell to the side and I, now, do not speak of my bisexuality with the family and friends that remain. “That was in the past” is my answer if I’m questioned about it. Of course, it is not. I desire and yearn for the touch and companionship of a woman, but dare not speak of it. “She hides her sexuality, guarded under the guise of privacy…” Brilliant way to put it! But, I am here and I want to scream it!! I just don’t know how because, as you have said (correctly), “bisexual must be a bad word in her world if she can’t say it to even those who know.”

  3. Thanks for this very courageous and insightful post, Jay Dee. I think the work you are doing with your mentees is phenomenal. We need more people like you in the world. I think that is one of the best things about the bi-movement is how welcoming people are. You do not feel pressured to conform or censor yourself in any way.

    That’s a lot harder said than done when we are not well united. I’m grateful to the scientists Lisa Diamond and Paula Rust (and many more who I won’t delve into at this moment) who have published many works/studies supporting the fact that the difference between bisexuality and homosexuality is one of degree rather than kind.

    And one would think with such overlap between bisexuality and homosexuality, people would be more open minded and accepting. But the status quo is still to identify as exclusively monosexual and to only tell others that whatever nonexclusive attractions you may have experienced were just meaningless/fruitless/useless/unreal because that’s still what goes on so much with people in my experience. It’s like a broken record.

  4. Once upon a time – and I’m old enough to know this is no fairy tale, the social stigma was all about being queer, a fairy, a homo, a faggot and only the bravest homosexuals would put their sexuality on display… and sometimes at the risk of their personal safety. Bisexuals were so far under the radar it wasn’t funny; to hear about those freaky switch-hitters was as unusual as pink elephants but the stigma didn’t quite us… back then.

    Today, the social stigma has taken aim on bisexuals and is so bad that bisexuals would rather identify as being homosexual than to have to face being told that they’re confused, are greedy, and the other euphemisms that are being spouted. It’s gotten so back that few of us simply say that we’re bisexual without making use of newly coined words – like homoflexible (a word I still can’t stand) or insisting that their sexuality is more about gender than a person’s actual sex.

    I find it odd that being homosexual today makes sense when, once upon that time, it didn’t but I can see why it does since being homosexual is the reverse of being heterosexual and, as such, monosexual in these extremes and many bisexuals feel that it’s safer to identify as homosexual; at least they don’t have to go through any long, drawn out explanations that are, frankly, embarrassing to provide.

    And that’s adults trying to deal with this; I can’t imagine how difficult it is for – let’s call them newly minted adults – to explain something that a lot of adults don’t seem to understand so they drop back and punt and declare themselves to be homosexual or, really, anything other than that which they really are:


    I applaud your work with these young people in getting them to accept that being bisexual is just as okay as being straight, gay, transgender, and even asexual. Eventually, society will get its head out of its own ass and accept that just as we are unique as individuals, so is our sexuality and simply stop making people feel bad for being who and what they are.


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