If One or Both of You Are Bi…

…take heart because it’s not the end of the world.  It’s also not the time for overly emotional insults, accusations, or other such forms of drama that will only serve to take your relationship – and the one you’ve both worked together on – and throw it right out the closest window.  Bear with me for a few…

I had always suspected that my first wife was bisexual; the signs were all there – and quite recognizable since I’m bisexual – and although I just knew there was something she wasn’t telling me, I didn’t have any proof; every time I asked her about it, she’d just roll her eyes, tell me that I was imagining things, and then change the subject.

But one day, she finally confessed and ask she began to tell me the truth of things, I could tell that she was just waiting for me to get all medieval on her even though she already knew I was bi.  Her trepidation was justified because, just a day before her confession, we both heard a couple arguing so loudly we were sure the police would show up and the reason why they were fussing was because the guy’s wife let him know that she liked women, too… and it was beyond ugly; I know I overheard some stuff that hurt me and I wasn’t part of the conversation!

Just the same, I listened to her, asked a question every now and then but, importantly, let her know that I couldn’t have a problem with her bisexuality and more so since, duh, I was bisexual.  The thing that brought a smile to her face was my saying, “You know just like I do, dontcha?”

It did our relationship a world of good to latch onto the fact that we had more in common than we had originally thought.  And while we talked about her past interactions with women, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that making accusations of infidelity or other such nonsense just didn’t make sense.  I will admit that, for a moment, I felt a pang of jealousy while listening to her talk about her love for women and, of course, the sex; for a moment, I felt threatened because it was bad enough that some dude could come along and sweep her off her feet… but I could lose her to a woman as well.

But only for a moment – call it about thirty seconds.  Listening to her talk about how men and women made her feel echoed my own feelings on the matter and once I understood that, those negative feelings went away.  It was a time to rejoice and definitely not a time for pointing fingers or ranting and raving over things that had already happened and we were good.

A lot of our friends who had similar conversations about their sexuality didn’t fare very well; arguments broke out, actual fights broke out, and many a relationship wound up getting trashed because, well, once you bind yourself to someone, you pretty much give up your individuality and that seemed to include one’s sexuality.  They didn’t understand that, in most cases, their partner was bisexual before they met and fell in love; they couldn’t understand how their partner could be with them for years and “suddenly” discover their bisexuality, the assumption here is that someone couldn’t change this about themselves… or they weren’t supposed to.

If one or both of you are bisexual, there’s no need for drama; if nothing else, this extra thing you have in common should be used to tighten your bond and strengthen your love for each other.  If one or both of you are bisexual, it’s not about someone being on the dreaded down-low or participating in some other form of infidelity even though, admittedly, these are often the only options that are open because who’d be crazy enough to give their bisexual partner free rein to express that other side of their sexuality or, if both of you are bisexual, gasp, open your relationship enough so that not only can both of you express your bisexuality, you can share the experiences together?

When we’re in a relationship, we often put too much emphasis on what our partner is supposed to be like than we do trying recognize – and accept – who they really are… or who they may have learned they really are at some later date in their life.  As a married man, yes, I “expect” my wife to be into me, to have my back and, yep, lay that good stuff on me as if she’s lost her mind… but my current wife is also bisexual and if she were of a mind to wreck shop on a woman she found desirable, well, who am I to deny her that pleasure?

If one or both of you are bi, the biggest mistake you can make with this is trying to tell your partner that they can’t be bisexual and laying on all the expected threats along those lines.  Instead of getting the “compliance” you might expect, what you’re really doing is sowing the seeds of discontent and that’s just not going to do your relationship a damned bit of good unless, of course, you like listening to your partner repeatedly telling you, “You’re not the boss of me!”

You do have a choice:  You can do this the easy way, i.e., sit down and have an intelligent and meaningful discussion about this… or you can do it the hard way and act as if you don’t have a civilized bone in your body (a polite way of saying you’re acting like a damned fool idiot) – which thing is preferable?  Sadly, I’ve been on the receiving end of a woman’s, ah, dislike of my sexuality, from being mislabeled as gay (being called a faggot) to her assumption that my sexuality has something to do with her, oh, like, I don’t like sleeping with her, I like the way guys have oral sex with me more than the way she does it and other things that are just insane… and very hurtful, I might add.

Since this seems to be the “default behavior” for a lot of people who discover a bisexual in their midst, it’s no wonder a lot of bisexuals in a relationship will keep their mouths shut about what’s going on with them.  At the risk of offending someone, if you discover you’re with a bisexual and you fly off the handle, uh, you’re not as grown up as you think you are, I’m sorry to say; the real grownups will first take the news in stride and after some deep conversation about it all, ask their partner, “So, baby, what do you wanna do now?” – and then ask the question because love almost demands that the question be asked… and even if they answer, “Nothing – I just wanted you to know!”

By the way, if one or both of you are bisexual, you don’t have to do anything about it… but I’m not gonna lie to you and say that it can’t be fun doing something provided you both have your heads in that very grown up place and the place that says, “Baby, it doesn’t matter if you want to sleep with a guy/gal when you need to; what does matter is that I love you; I trust you; and, well, if I truly love you as much as I say I do, there’s not a lot I wouldn’t do for the sake of your happiness and, in turn, my own…”

If one or both of you are bisexual, it’s really no big deal… unless you make it a big deal and, seriously, why would you want to do that and more so if you love each other?  It’s funny… when we get into a relationship, we like to tell the other person that they have to accept the good and the bad about ourselves – and that’s usually not a problem until the “B” word comes up… and I’ve seen (and have had) relationships get torn asunder because the situation couldn’t be handled in an intelligent, rational way and that didn’t happen because we do tend to let our fears make us foolish and we certainly tend to fear that which we don’t really understand.

If one or both of you are bisexual, you are cordially invited to be better than that, to see the commonality the two of you now have and then have the foresight and, indeed, the courage to take it all as a positive and just love each other a whole lot more.  It’s not the end of the world… but it could be the start of a very interesting and fulfilling journey together.


Contributing Author and Wearer of Other Hats


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