For Da Fellas

There is so much I could tell you about what it’s like to be bisexual, just as there is a whole lot I can tell you about being married to a bisexual woman.  I know that a lot of men have a great deal of fear about bisexuality, both in themselves and in a woman they’ve come to love, just like I know that when a guy discovers that he’s bisexual – or in a relationship with a bisexual woman, um, they can say and do some pretty silly things that, at the end of the day, isn’t really going to make things better.

The first thing I gotta say is that if you find yourself having some homoerotic thoughts, don’t freak yourself out; believe it or not, that’s considered to be normal despite all the crap you’ve heard about what it takes to be a “real man.”  Right along with this, if you’re a guy and you’ve learned (or have suspected) that your lady is bisexual, ditto:  Don’t freak out and start belittling her and doing that Old Testament, “Me Tarzan, you Jane” nonsense; despite what you may have been led to believe, just because she’s your woman doesn’t mean you have absolute control over her thoughts and feelings – and no more than she has any control  over your thoughts and feelings about anything.

Bisexuality is just as much a fact of life as being straight or gay is and, again, despite all that you’ve been taught; bisexuality is real and has been around so long that no one really knows when bisexuality appeared in human behavior so it just stands to reason that if bisexuality is real, bisexuals are real.

Duh, right?

Guys, um, just because you might look at another dude and be feeling some kind of way about him doesn’t mean that you’re gay or anything like that; if you think you like guys (or you already do) but you know for a fact that you like women, um, nope – you’re not straight or gay.  Now, here of late, if you’re a guy and willing to throw down with another guy in some way, it’s considered to be quite manly, which isn’t even close to how this was looked at when I was growing up… but that outdated mentality still persists and, well, don’t pay any attention to it.

Admittedly, about the worst possible situation is being bisexual and being in a relationship… and with someone who doesn’t understand a “few” things about bisexuality, like, just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean that some wild orgies are gonna jump off.  Folks get so itchy about bisexuality and relationships that they almost always overlook the fact that if you’re bisexual or hooked up with a bisexual, they obviously aren’t interested in being in a same-sex relationship if they’re with you.  Fellas, most bisexual women I personally know are quite happy being monogamous despite any thoughts and feelings about being with a woman; likewise, being male and bisexual doesn’t automatically send you to the DL – I also know a lot of bisexual guys who, like women, take being monogamous very seriously.

The important thing, guys, is that if your woman is bisexual, don’t give her a lot of grief about it.  Her being bisexual has nothing to do with her love or desire for you and, honestly, the only time that’s true is if you give her a reason to leap into the arms of a woman, oh, like criticizing her for being bisexual and insisting that your dick is all she’s ever supposed to need.  If you’re the bisexual, well, my brothers, I  can only hope that you’re with a woman who is open-minded and understanding when you tell her; to be PC about it, a furious woman getting in your case about your sexuality just ain’t pretty.  One thing that you should know is that if she blows a gasket, it’s an emotional response on her part and, yeah, trying to reason with her isn’t going to be easy so instead of blowing a gasket of your own, do your best to be patient and continue to explain things to her in a calm, intelligent fashion.

Have I been on the wrong side of this kind of discussion?  I sure have so I know what it feels like and how frustrating it can be trying to explain something to someone who just isn’t of a mind to listen rationally.  It’s bad enough that one person has lost their cool… and even worse when both people get all bent out of shape about this – and there’s really no reason for this kind of drama because, remember, if you wanted to be in a relationship with a man, you sure as hell wouldn’t be with her and watching her go off the deep end.

If you’re the bisexual – and even if you aren’t and your woman is – the key to keeping things together is being able to communicate openly and freely; instead of talking at each other (and in some nasty ways), talk to each other while keeping in mind that while you are a couple, you are also still individuals that have wants and needs – they just don’t go away because you’re in a relationship.  For many bisexuals in this situation, it’s not always about going out and doing some dirt here and there – it’s more internal; it’s about them – and, hopefully, you – being comfortable with this whole sexuality thing.  Yet another thing to remember is that if you learn that your woman is bisexual, well, when you fell in love with her, you fell in love with that part of her as well and the only thing that has changed is that now you know she’s bisexual.

You shouldn’t start bashing her about her feelings in this any more than you should jump in her case about anything she’s done with this before you met her – you just cannot change what has already happened so don’t waste your breath ranting and raving about it… unless you want to risk having your words turn her against you – and don’t kid yourself into thinking that will never happen.  Likewise, if you’re the bisexual and you’re trying to explain things to her, do your level best to keep your cool in the face of her fury.

In any of this, I’ve learned that people tend to look at sexuality and relationships in the way things are supposed to be… but not in the way things can be.  Dealing with bisexuality in a relationship is not the end of the world; it doesn’t mean that you can’t love and desire them or that they don’t love and desire you but there’s a fact that a lot of people just can’t get their heads around:  Love and desire isn’t always a single-source kind of thing; you can be attracted to anyone, you can have feelings for anyone and, yes, anyone can shift your lust into high gear.

Fellas, I know this is a lot to take in all at once; it’s confusing, frustrating, and a lot of other things that might have you reaching for something to get rid of the headache… but that’s why folks like myself are here, folks who have dedicated themselves to help explain bisexuality and what it takes to still have a harmonious relationship.  We’ve been there, done that, and are quite happy in our own relationships and, well, if we can do it, you can do it.


Contributing Author and Wearer of Other Hats


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