If You Have Children…

Greetings, bi wives!  It’s been awhile since I came to talk to you but as the title of this writing indicates, as a biwife husband, well, check this out…

So, one fine summer day, our three children paraded into my presence and, right away, I knew something was up; if these three characters were standing in front of me, this just couldn’t be a good thing.  Instead of giving myself a headache trying to figure out what they wanted, I waited patiently for one of them to become the spokesperson and tell me what’s going on.

After a couple of minutes of looking at each other, I cleared my throat to get their attention and, finally, my daughter took a small step forward and asked, “Can we talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” I said, waiting for the shoe to drop.  “You know that if you wanna talk, we can talk.”

My daughter looked at her brothers – and they were looking nervous – then scratched her head for a moment – and then asked, “Does Mommy like  girls?”

Okay… of all the things they could have asked, this was not one of them!  Now, we’d already had the “birds and bees” talk which included sexuality choices – better to let them know “before the fact” instead of finding out via peer pressure (which can be bad) but my wife and I had decided not to let them know that we were both bisexual, invoking need to know and, well, they didn’t need to know… but they somehow found out.  I kept my face “neutral” – I was stunned and working hard not to let it show – and asked, “What makes you ask a question like that?”

Apparently, one of the kids – and it wasn’t important which one – overheard their mother talking on the phone and I could only assume that my wife was talking to one of her female lovers and, um, in such a way that it was clear to whoever overheard her that, ah, crap, there was something “different” about Mom… and now they were before me looking for confirmation and perhaps some clarification and I wasn’t sure I wanted to have that conversation with them, not because I didn’t think they’d understand, but because I couldn’t foresee what the impacts would be down the road.  I even thought about dropping back and punting and invoking a well-known dodge:  Go ask your mother.

Indeed, I wondered for a moment why they didn’t just go ask her but I figured that they thought that asking her wouldn’t go over well and, honestly, I didn’t know that it would.  I thought about deflecting the question and invoking another well-known dodge:  I don’t think you’re old enough to understand this but at 13, 15, and 17, yeah, they were both smart and old enough to understand.  And, yes, I even thought about lying to them and acting as if I had no idea what they were talking about but that would have been a disaster just waiting to happen and in many ways.

So after spending all of ten seconds thinking about all of this, I simply said, “Yes, she does like girls, too, and, of course, you guys remember that we talked about stuff like this, right?”

The three of them nodded and I could see each of them processing what I just said and coming to their own “conclusions.”  My sons, well, they just kinda shrugged and my oldest son’s response to my question – “Yeah…” had a thick undercoat of disinterest and the youngest had a “Wow!” look on his face but, like his brother, didn’t seem to be all that intrigued about it.  My daughter, on the other hand, looked… distressed?  Discombobulated?  I’m not sure but it wasn’t hard to tell that having this confirmed may have shaken her up; it was at this moment I realized why they came to ask me this because I was also the head of the family damage control department.

Oh, man… this could be bad and the feeling grew on me as my daughter turned to her brothers and said, “I wanna talk to Daddy alone, if you don’t mind.”  The boys blinked at having been dismissed – and I thought it was funny but knew better than to laugh or smile.   The oldest frowned and said, “Whatever…” and he and his brother hauled butt and I got the sense that they were very happy to be sent on their way.  My daughter is looking at me with a look I still couldn’t decipher but, okay, I gotta deal with this so I got her to sit down and tell me what was on her mind.

“Mommy’s like me, huh?” she asked – and, yes, I already knew that she was bisexual – we had one hell of a talk about it when she came out.

“Yeah, she is – does that surprise you?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she replied.  “I guess it never crossed my mind that she could be.”

“Are you bothered by this?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” she replied.  “Is it good that we’re both like that?”

“I dunno, sweetheart, but I’d have to say that it’s probably a good thing that you and your mother have something in common,” I replied carefully.  “But whether that’s good or bad is really up to you to decide.”

“I think it can be a good thing,” she said after a moment – and I let go of the breath I’d been holding.  “Should I go talk to her?”

“Yeah, I think you should,” I said.  “But give me a moment to let her know that you wanna talk to her, okay?”

“Are you gonna tell her why I want to talk to her?  You know she’s gonna ask…” she said.

“I’ll tell her that you want to talk to her about some girl stuff and that she’s better qualified to talk to you than I am,” I said.

Two hours later…

My daughter came skipping down the stairs, smiling brightly and announced that she was going outside, stopping long enough to plant a wet kiss on my cheek.  My wife came downstairs a moment later with an amused look on her face and all I asked was, “Did everything go okay?”

My wife replied, “Yeah, um, we understand each other better now.”

I guess it was days later when I found myself thinking about the implications in more detail and wondered if I – if we – did the right thing by having this particular discussion.  I never asked my wife or daughter what they talked about – girls have to have their secrets, right?  But I also felt that at some point, the kids would eventually figure out that neither of us were straight and that it was better they have the facts than to make assumptions.  I knew other bisexual parents who’d go to great lengths to keep their sexuality a secret from their children – and the children figured it out anyway – but because of the parents’ inability (or desire) to talk to their children about such things, the relationship they had with their children suffered.  And, yes, I’ve even seen it blow up in the faces of well-meaning parents and since I knew this, well, all my wife and I could do was to just wait and see if any of this would have a negative impact on our children.

And it didn’t.  Not long after this happen, my oldest son came out to me as bisexual…

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

 

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7 thoughts on “If You Have Children…

  1. Hello,
    This is my first posting and real exposure to this blog. We have been married over 25 years and about two years ago my wife sprung this on me. Like most men I was OK with her “thing” as long as we were always together and never behind my back. Of course that meant I wanted to see this to get a grip on the who’s, why’s and how’s.

    My wife’s first experience was with a woman we met on the Internet. She was attractive enough and she was intelligent and a good conversationalist. After we had been talking for about 90 minutes, she surprised us both asking if we wanted to get a room at a nearby hotel because it was free and she really wanted to be with my wife Barbie. I left it to Barb and she said she was ready and wanted to try.

    We got the room and we all talked about how it was just for them. I was fine with that. I was literally stunned and dumbfounded when Barb just moved in and they began passionately kissing. I honestly felt jealous but I liked it.

    About 90 minutes later “Marie” went to the bathroom and Barb said she wanted to give me head. I was apprehensive because I did not want to ruin whatever Marie’s feelings were with Barb, but I was already pretty much ready to go. Barb was doing her usual awesome job when I did not hear the bathroom door open and Marie walked into the bed area. I was surprised and embarrassed and immediately pulled away to pull up my pants. Marie said, “You don’t have to put that thing away for me.” Barb said she still wanted to do her thing while Marie watched. Marie said, “That thing’s huge,” and then asked Barb if she was OK with me being part of it.

    It was not my first 3- way rodeo but it was definitely the first time I’d been undressed with another woman since I met my wife. I asked what they wanted me to do. Both agreed that I had probably ought to focus on Barb for awhile. That’s what I did thinking things were safer that way, but after about 30 minutes Barb asked Marie if she wanted to make it a full-on 3-way.

    I honestly felt I was horning in on what was supposed to be their time, but when Marie grabbed me and asked Barbara if she could suck it, Barb said OK and things progressed from there. Unlike Barbara, I’d been with others before so I slipped right back into my college days mentality. I thought things were great and everyone had fun, especially when Narue said, “Be careful with that thing. I’m not very big.” Barbara laughed so I thought “no biggie.” Ha!

    When we left the hotel 3 hours later, Barb was acting “different” but I was cool with the two of them kissing good bye in the parking area in front of God and everyone as others walked and drive by gawking. On the way home Barbara basically fell apart. Like most women she immediately assumed I was making comparisons and because Marie was just 5 feet tall compared to Barbara’s 5-10, that for some reason I “seemed to spend more time on her.” I wracked my brain going over the whole thing and honestly felt I’d done a damn good job of “balancing” my attention. She didn’t agree.

    Things cooked off for a couple weeks when Barbara asked me if I had a problem with her “hanging out” with Marie; going shopping, swimming at Marie’s place and having breakfast or lunch together since they both belonged to the same gym. I put my foot down with an emphatic “Not happening. You don’t hang out with people we fuck without me.” That kicked off a tidal wave of frustration, anger and all-out bitchiness. A couple days after one big blow -up Barbara asked me if I’d be interested in us seeing Marie again. I said it was her decision, that “I was just a man of the people providing a service.” She didn’t laugh.

    Then she sprung on me, “We’ll all play together on Saturday, but Marie and I would like one time alone.” When I said that wouldn’t work for me it created stress, arguments and for some reason way more anger than I thought I and it deserved. Barbara kept pushing and pushing finally asking, “Can we just make out?” Without me of course. I put my foot down and said, “Not only no, I f-ing forbid it!” Wrong thing to say.

    A few weeks later I was working on a Saturday when one of the guys I work with said he’d seem our Yukon in an apartment complex near where we’d met with Marie. When I got home I played it cool asking and hinting about her day. When I didn’t get any movement I began to push and then the lying started. I was stonewalled for three full days which fueled my anger and resentment until I had irrefutable proof that she had in fact been at Marie’s place WITHOUT ME, in gross violation of our agreement never to do anything apart. I was more hurt and wounded by the lying.

    As a result, our kids heard the arguments even though we thought they were outside or watching TV and couldn’t hear us. Barbara was apologetic and asked me to forgive her, adding that she never would have done it if I hadn’t “forbade” her and refused to understand her needs and desires.

    For me there was no getting over the betrayal, cheating (yes it is cheating) and the lies; but finally our kids came to us in tears asking if we were going to get a divorce. Hell no! I said. I told Barb it was up to her to explain things to them. Afterward, what upset our oldest boy was that he thought we were “swingers” and that was wrong and sickening.

    After awhile we got back to normal but our kids kept asking me if “our mom is a lesbian or if she was cheating on me.” I explained that it was indeed cheating because it was behind my back, but finally our teenage daughter said, “Dad, it’s not like she was with another man. It was another girl so it’s not like she was looking for a boyfriend or leaving.” Then she added, “Dad, I think she was just curious. You’re the only person she’s ever been with, so please just understand and let it go.”

    I had completely list sight of the pressure and anger in the house and Barb was going out of her way to apologize and make things right. That was exactly the tempering influence I needed but I’m embarrassed it came from our teenage daughter. I was afraid to ask what she knew about girl / girl stuff but my eyes were opened. I let go of my anger and forgave my wife. I waited for her to bring up any references to other women.

    When my best, closest and most trusted Frat Bro from college with whom I was still closer with than my own brothers, came to stay with us for two weeks, our kids were away at gramma’s house the entire time. Two days after he arrived he was in our bed.

    I could not figure out why watching them together did not bother me. Then on the 4th night I woke up in the middle of the night to them on the floor next to the bed trying to be quiet but he was just humping away. Them it hit me that as long as I had a degree of control and was asked first I had no problem with Barb enjoying Scott or Marie. We settled that issue right away and they got into bed and proceeded to finish up while I watched and stroked a Barb’s face.

    Scott stayed 14 days with us and he or he and I together “fulfilled” whatever fantasy or missing piece Barbara needed. After that I was OK with her seeing Marie and true to their word, it was pretty much a one-for-one thing. Every time Barbara saw Marie, the three of us were together the same or next night. It had been quite a leap for me to take and accept but once I let go of my own overly-possessive insecurities and our daughter’s words rang through my head, things were great for both of us; except I always had to perform for two instead if one and that really took a lot if the internal satisfaction out of it.

    I was with Marie twice without Barbara and it was good, but not as great as when my wife was there. After that, I always waited for them (and the other girls we met) to finish and decide when I could be included. No frustration. No insecurities. Barb even told me she was just going through the motions with Scott because he was my friend (and handsome as hell), but I grew a lot from the two weeks with Scott and the three years Barbara and I spent meeting with and hooking-up with “referrals” from the women we had been with.

    We never had anyone at our place when our kids were home other than on occasion Marie or one if the others would come by to chat with Barbara or use the pool and Jaccuzzi. Nothing more was ever said by any if our kids and we knew to respect their development before we pursued pleasures with others. Our kids know mom is bisexual and what it means, but after three years of it things just faded away.

    Barbara still has occasional desires for women but she now says she’s fine with just us. I think it’s because she knew I was into the other women when necessary but she want all of it for herself.

    We agreed to join this discussion board together for her. She has written a couple things before but I have not taken the time to look for them. This really is a great and helpful thing for couples. It’s educational and builds mutual understanding of how most – if not all, women think and what they desire. If couple talked and more men really accepted and understood their wives bisexual proclivities, I really believe there would be fewer divorces and women could be more open and honest with their husbands. They don’t want to leave you. They just need fulfillment from something you’ll never really understand from another person you can never be.

    I’m very sorry I wrote so much. Feel free to edit as you see fit. I just felt it important to really tell a story with all it’s complexities and a very happy ending.
    Sincerely,
    Kevin O. Husband of Barbara JO.

  2. That is wonderful, thank you for sharing!!! I can, to some degree, relay to your story. In one marriage only I are bisexual, my husband is straight, but very supporting and understanding. We have two sons, now 11 and 13 y.o. When my older son was 12, he told me about his attraction to boys and girls. We always knew that he was different, so that did not come to us as surprise. I always feel very connected to my older boy and, to make his feel more accepted and confident, I told him about my own attraction to female also. Please, do not be shocked by my approach: our boys are exceptionally intelligent (not exaggeration) and mature, so I did not have any fear of being misinterpreted or misguiding. We had more conversations since than, especially after my son to come out to his brother also (took more than a year for him to feel comfortable enough to announce that to his brother). Today, my son comes to me with his issues for advice or to confine in his crashes. I might not always have all answers, but he does not seems worry about it!

    1. Brava! Usually, anyone coming out (or even being unintentionally outed) is a bad thing and more so if your children find out that you’re not who they think you are and now it’s about the “best” way to deal with these situations… and the truth works. It might bother a child… but that’s better (and more repairable) than lying to them or, worse, assuming that they’re stupid and couldn’t figure it out – and that, at least in my opinion, can severely damage a parent/child relationship.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here with us. I’m bi, my Sir is not, but I think one day I will have similar conversations with our kids. Glad your admittance seems so well received. Hugs

    1. Thank you! As parents, gosh, we really never look forward to having “that conversation” with our children and discussing sexuality along with the “usual” stuff is pretty scary all by itself… but to have a child ask about a parent’s sexuality? Wow… Do you discuss it with them or tell them it’s none of their business or even lie to them? It’s a tough choice for a parent to make… but I think it’s way better than lying to them or treating them like they’re idiots.

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