So Now What?

I’m gonna beg your indulgence and ask you, dear readers, to take a little trip with me, if you don’t mind.  When it comes to a bi wife, I learned to understand some (or maybe even a lot) of the things that plague these magnificent women, from accepting their sexuality to getting their man to accept it  and, yep, right up do doing something about their sexuality… or not being able to do anything about it because being monogamous is like wearing handcuffs and shackles that can’t be unlocked.  So, for the purpose of this writing, let’s say that our bi wife – let’s call her “Pam” – has petitioned her husband – “Phil” – to be able to find a girlfriend and explore the ways of Sappho with her which, of course, breaks the rules as far as not cheating is concerned.

Pam hasn’t quite been “hammering” Phil with her petition but she’s been pretty smart about when to bring it up because she understands what her needs are in this and what she wants to do about it; she also knows that while they say it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission, she’d rather ask for and get his permission to change the rules just enough for her to be fulfilled as a person and as a woman.  Let’s say that after months of having this discussion with Phil and effectively and logically pleading her case, Phil finally relents and sees the logic of what she’s proposing and tells her, “Okay, baby – whatever’s gonna make you happy…”

So… now what?  Should Pam run right out and go hunting?  Oh, and for this intellectual exercise, let’s say that Pam hasn’t already had someone set up and ready to go once she got permission, okay?  Given this, the answer is no:  The next thing Pam should do is to sit down with Phil and establish the rules and conditions under which this divergence from the norm is to take place and, no, this isn’t – or shouldn’t – be one of those things that gets done in a matter of hours; indeed, if she does, in fact, give a damn about Phil’s feelings (and she should), Pam should be prepared to take as much time as necessary to hash this important factor out and, oh, yeah, with the awareness that there’s no such thing as a free lunch or Phil might want something in return for giving his blessing and if he does, um, you should be ready to give it to him because while Pam’s sexuality is about her, their marriage is about them.

One of the things I’ve seen has been bi wives getting the require permission to explore their sexuality (or to pick it up where they left off before they got married), gone through the rules and conditions phase so that things will continue to run smoothly between them, and then she doesn’t do anything… after making it known to her man that she needs to do something about the other side of her dual feelings.  I’ve seen – and have had women tell me – that because they never thought that they’d get that permission, they were in limbo because they just didn’t have a plan in place for what to do at this point.  Some women find that finding that woman to be a girlfriend/lover is harder than they thought and I’ve seen some women become totally frustrated because, for some reason I’ve never pretended to understand, they seem to expect a girlfriend/lover to fall into their  laps and without any effort on their part.  Some I know have… self-esteem or self-image concerns and to the point where they’ve gotten the permission they so badly needed but now thinks/believes that no other woman would be interested in them.

Okay, here’s the problem – again.  If a bi wife is going to petition her man for permission to proceed, she’d better have everything planned out before she says to him, “Baby, there’s something I need to talk to you about…,” from laying out the proposal to him in a logical way, through anticipating that he might wants something for himself if he gives that permission, to the rules and conditions that have to be in place before the fact – and along with the understanding that these rules are subject to change or renegotiation as needed because situations change – and, finally, the bi wife who has successfully done all of this isn’t even done with the work that’s necessary because she has to have a plan for finding that girlfriend/lover she needs in her life.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot something very important:  Doing the deed itself (and provided she hasn’t already had some experience with this).  I know quite a few women who have gotten through all of this very intensive work, have gotten a girlfriend/lover and, in the moment of truth, found that making love with her isn’t as doable as originally thought.  It’s one thing to think you can, say, go down on another woman; it’s another thing to think that you would enjoy it immensely; and it is something entirely and completely different to have your face right there and find that, um, it’s not that simple.

Just like men who have gotten to the moment of truth and have found that they couldn’t pull the trigger and go through with the things they’ve only thought about and have chickened out, I’ve known women to do the exact same thing and, from what they’ve told me, it’s because they never thought about this particular possibility.  I’ve had them tell me that they’ve pretty much said, “Fuck it…” and gone for the gusto and even like they’re old pros at making love with women… only to have Guilt show up and kick their cute asses all over the place because (a) they had sex with a woman and (b) they’ve now officially “cheated” on the man who gave his permission and all the things that go with this.

So before “now what” ever comes into play, please believe me when I tell you that before you bi wives even think about asking your husband for that permission, you’d better have a plan in place and have thought it all out from the beginning all the way through dealing with yourself after you’ve done the deed.  I don’t honestly think you can leave any part of this to, “I’ll deal with it when I have to” because there’s no telling when you’re gonna have to deal with this or that.  Sadly, I also know women who have never gotten to the moment of “So now what?” because they innately understand that it is just way too much hassle to get there.

And they’d be right – because it is.  Still, I’ve seen women get to “So now what?” and totally screw the pooch because it never occurred to them that even though they’re now free to act, the conversation between her and her husband never stops – and it can’t stop… it should never stop.   The husband should continue to be involved and invested in this and as much as he needs and wants to be and, no, you don’t get to decide this for him.  I know some hubbies who have given their permissions and didn’t want to know anything else afterward while some want and need to be kept in the loop because, again and forever again, her sexuality is about her… but her marriage to them is still about them.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author



5 thoughts on “So Now What?

    1. Not at all! My wife at the time and I were both bi and wound up being poly, which is something most people can’t get into so, no, I’d never assume such a silly thing.


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