Some Bad Words

Nah, I’m not talking about the bad words that’ll get your mouth washed out with soap; the ones I had in mind were “allow,” “permit,” “let,” or any variation of these words when it comes to discussions about merging a bi wife’s sexuality into the fabric of the relationship.  Unlike it used to be centuries ago, a wife is no longer a husband’s property; women fought hard to remove the “chattel” label from themselves and to be seen than more than second or third-class citizens and be on more equal footing with men.  So, today, one might hear a wife tell a husband, “You don’t own me!” or “You’re not the boss of me!” and it creates an interesting situation given that marriage is still looked at in the context that was created so long ago in the Old Testament – and even though the words, “Love, honor, and obey” were removed from marriage vows because telling a wife that she has to obey has gotten a lot of husbands hospitalized or buried.

So when you’re talking to your bisexual wife about her sexuality and whatever she might want to do about it, it’s hard not to think that you’re “allowing” her to express her sexuality or  that you’re “letting” her do it or that she has your “permission” and if there’s another – and easy – way to say that you’re on board with her and down for whatever, I don’t know what it is… but I know that you can get into a world of trouble by using any word that sound like she’s required and obligated to answer to you for her actions.

Like, a fellow husband and I were talking about our wives and what we “let” or otherwise gave our “permission” for them to do, i.e., go for all that sexy gusto with another woman and we both admitted to feeling a bit… queasy using such words because we both knew that if we were dumb enough to use them when talking to our respective wives about this, we would have heard, “Huh?  You didn’t “let” me do nothing!” or something along those lines that would get us in the dog house, sleeping somewhere other than next to her and, yeah, have some celibacy enforced on us for an indeterminate amount of time.

Interesting how some seemingly innocuous words can get a husband in the deep doo-doo, huh?

So girlfriend might ask if she can do this thing she wants to do, lays down an acceptable game plan, hits you with some impeccable logic and, yes, perhaps even imply that if you don’t go along with the program as  laid out, she’s gonna do it anyway… and you say, to sum it up, “Okay, baby – whatever makes you happy…” wait… what just happened?  Did you just agree, give permission, allow, let, and some of those other words.  You get into a boatload of semantics here, like, by agreeing (or even conceding the point), are you letting her and/or allowing her to do what she wants to do; you have to ask yourself whether she’s telling you what she’s wants to do – and as in this is how it’s gonna be and you have no say in it one way or the other – or if she’s asking permission to do these things.

Maybe you can see where using these bad words are taking us?  I think I’m a pretty smart guy and that I have good command of the American English language – well, as good as I wanna be with it since I hated English in school – and I just cannot think of a word that accurately describes what it is I’ve just done in agreeing with the wife’s query about whether or not we can do this thing that’ll change our marriage.  Now, I could use that command I have to say a whole bunch of words that when combined properly, would guarantee your ability to take a nap while I’m talking to you about my concurrence with her bisexuality-driven desires… but when I’ve been asked if I really allow my wife to do such and such and I say yes – the simple, quick answer to the question – am I offending her by somehow implying that she needed my express permission to proceed… or is it that this is exactly what she did and because she asked permission, my giving it shouldn’t be an offense to her?

I know all an unthinking husband to a bi wife has to do is utter one of these words to her… and get ready to be lectured about how she’s her own person, that she can give her body to anyone she damn well pleases because it’s her body, and other such outbursts that make me cringe just thinking about them because for reasons that I’ve not been able to understand, I’ve gotten my head handed to me for using a word that implies consent on my part and said word seems to also imply ownership and other such distasteful connotations.  The problem, you see, is that in order for her to, uh, go about her business regarding her sexuality – and not have to deal with being called a cheater in the process, mind you – it’s better to ask permission than it is to beg forgiveness (although folks tend to do the reverse of this as a matter of course) and if this makes sense – and I think it does – then she did, in fact, ask permission and you (a) gave it and, as such (b) allowed the alteration to the relationship.

It’s just that if you say you allowed it, gave your permission, or let her (and she hears you saying these bad words), you might be in for a long night and in need of some serious pain relieve from the headache you’re surely gonna have because let’s face it:  Some women do not react well to the use of these words when they’re connect to your acceptance of her behavior… in this or anything else.

What put this topic on my mind was reading a blog written by a fellow WordPress blogger and how she got into a “fight” with her man because he told some folks that he’d let her do something… and his use of that word gravely upset her (not to mention that she wasn’t interested in what he said he’d let her do).  The question that immediately came to mind was why she would let that word – and I just used it, mind you – upset her so much… and should using that word (or any similar words) be a reason to get upset?  Out of fairness and to give credit and all that where it’s due – as well as being able to get the full flava of what I’m talking about, here’s the link to the blog – – and, no, I’ve not gotten around to asking Olly why that word upset her (but I’m gonna do that now ’cause I’d really like to know).

It’s not exactly a win/win situation for us husbands at times and not even when we’re expressing our own feelings about things, like allowing, letting, or giving our permission/blessing for our bisexual wife to do a thing or having the utter gall in “allowing” her to make her own decisions about such things because it can convey some pretty bad stuff to the woman we love.  It makes things… easier when she can get us to buy into an idea or even to get us to accept her sexuality and her thoughts and feelings along with any plans she might have in mind to do or not to do.  But buy-in implies consent and consent implies permission received and, I dunno, I’m having a hard time understanding how I can be asked permission to do something and then get my ass in trouble because, easily, I “let” her do whatever…

Is ya still wondering why men think women are insane?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author


9 thoughts on “Some Bad Words

  1. I was going to make a comment on this when I first saw it, forgot, then remembered because of a comment on the Connect Here page. I’m sure my husband would say he “lets” me be with women, not realizing what it actually means, and I’m kind of ok with that. Like Jay Dee said, not “letting” me would end our relationship. I’m not his property, and he knows that. Instead, I see it that he and I have a consensual agreement. There are rules to us both being with other people. This keeps both our egos in check – He knows he doesn’t “own” me and get to dictate what I can and can’t do, and I know that I can’t just do whatever I want without regards to his feelings.

  2. I asked for my husband’s permission about a girlfriend out of respect to him. I don’t want to cheat on him. He doesn’t want me to do it, but he isn’t going to tell me that I can’t. But it isn’t up to him to “let” me do anything. If it was something I really wanted, I’d just do it. But once again, respect comes into play.

      1. I’m not sure. I have resented that other times in the past. But I kind of feel like he is “letting” me. I probably would not do anything without his agreement. But at the same time, there is that thing about it being easier to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. I haven’t been in the position to do anything yet.

      2. I would say probably not. In essence he is “letting me” sleep with whomever else by remaining my husband and a part of my life. Not “letting me” would be divorcing me. It’s not a matter of him restraining me from doing something by “forbidding” it, it’s a matter of him accepting and/or tolerating it and remaining my husband. That’s to me is “letting me”.
        -Jay Dee

      3. Isn’t it interesting how a little three-letter word can introduce so much chaos? The use of this seemingly innocent word can put a husband between a rock and a very hard place when it comes to husband/bi wife relations – well, any husband/wife relationship where the wife asks to do something and the husband agrees, allows, lets, or otherwise gives consent – and in some cases, he might not have any choice but to give consent because of what could happen if he didn’t – usually the wife going ahead and doing whatever it is anyway, which also causes chaos and drama.

        If you don’t believe that words have power, this is a good example of how powerful a simple three-letter word can be and one where context doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.

        If a husband gives consent for something but the wife insists that he didn’t let her do anything because he’s not the boss of her and all that, would any of you say that his supposed and alleged “authority” as a husband, in essence, doesn’t exist as it’s thought to be? Is asking to do a thing – almost anything – a meaningless “formality” and, other than being respectful, why ask permission to do a thing if someone’s gonna get bent over being allowed to do whatever that was?

        Finally – and I’m probably gonna get to spend some time in the dog house for this, if you ask him for permission to do a thing out of respect for him – but him letting you do something via his consent is offensive – how does that play into respect for him if the fit’s gonna hit the shan if he doesn’t go along with the request?

        Just opening a can of worms here but I think it’s important to examine this thing…

    1. Very well said Ellen. 🙂 Respect is major in marriage, that’s what keeps us together, mutual respect and honor of each other’s feelings. I totally agree. My husband doesn’t let me do anything. I choose whether or not to respect his wishes and we go from there. I happen to honor his feelings and emotions so I respect his opinion when discussing my desires.
      -Jay Dee


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