Although this particular blog is for bisexual wives and the husbands who love them, this writing is about a common factor that all bisexuals who are married (or otherwise hooked up) have to deal with: The constant struggle between self and duty/obligation. It just cannot be said enough: Being bisexual and married can be about as bad as it can get. There are times when you’re just at war with things, battling between your feelings and thoughts and against the rigid requirements of being in a relationship.
We see, all too often, where being unable to do anything about our feelings can cause so many personal issues; for some – and because of the person they’re involved with – they’re not even allowed to think about anything other than being straight, living up to someone else’s expectations and being required and demanded to forego any expectations they have for themselves. There are those who say that this is just and right, that the obligations to the relationship trump the obligations to one’s self – the word “sacrifice” weighs heavily in this and takes on meanings that go unknown to us until we wind up giving up ourselves and to the point where we are no longer the person we were when the relationship started.
It’s no wonder this question comes up a lot in relationships: “What about what I want?” and, to be blunt and direct, current thinking replies, “To hell with what you want; what you want isn’t important but staying on this path is what’s important and at any cost so if you wind up losing yourself in the process, tough titty…” Again, there are those who say that this is just and right, that there is no “me” in any relationship… but here’s the thing that gets summarily ignored most of the time: Without me, there is no relationship.
Even when the relationship is supposed to be about “us,” it’s still a relationship based on what someone else thinks; it’s based on someone else’s idea of what the relationship is supposed to be like, their interpretations of the rules of marriage and monogamy so inserting something like bisexuality into this equation is a very big problem. Marriage is supposed to make us better; we’re supposed to prosper as a joined entity but the problem bisexuals face in this situation is trying to figure out how this entwined entity is supposed to prosper when one part of joining isn’t as whole as they feel they need to be… and then they’re being told, ordered, demanded, and even coerced into feeling the way their partner wants them to feel.
Is it just me or is there something wrong with this? There are those who say this behavior is just and right, that this is the way it’s supposed to be – the way it has to be but, um, don’t we know that there’s something rotten in the state of Denmark? Despite what you might believe, don’t you dare act as if there isn’t anything wrong with the way this works! You know it and more so if you are bisexual and your sexuality is being suppressed by the fear of reprisal and/or at the demands of a spouse who doesn’t exactly have your best interests at heart when it comes to this.
It’s being said that bisexuals have higher incidents of mental illness and if this is true, then married bisexuals – and I’m thinking women more than men – have incidents of mental illness of near biblical proportions when they aren’t allowed to express themselves in the way the need to do this. They wind up crushing the life out of themselves in sacrifice on and at the altars of faithfulness, duty, and obligation because they just cannot be the woman (or man) they have to be: They have to be the person that all of this demands they must be and even if it winds up being detrimental to her. The bisexual wife begins to believe that having this part of herself locked away is the right thing for her to do and that even when she knows that it isn’t, there isn’t any recourse and absolutely nothing that can be done short of going through a divorce that might prove to be more detrimental.
The thing about rules is that they can be changed but few bisexual women are able to believe that this is, in fact, possible. I’m not even talking about extreme changes, like opening the relationship so that the bi wife can do whatever it is in order for her to feel whole and complete; I’m talking about little things, like being able to verbally express her sexuality to her man without him going off the deep end because she’s daring to be something he doesn’t want her to be. Because this can’t be done or, when it is done, it is met with so much derision, angst, anger and even violence, it’s no wonder so many bi wives are in therapy, on major doses of antidepressants, and being counseled to just forget her bisexual side and get with the heterosexual program.
As a husband, I wonder what gives me the right to suppress my wife’s sexuality in favor of my own views of things. Personally, I learned that this isn’t really a smart thing to do and doing so just makes a bad situation worse; it’s kinda hard to have a harmonious relationship with someone who’s pissed off because they can’t be the person they need to be. It’s pretty messed up to be so selfish, narrow-minded, and anal retentive – and is the height of conceit and hubris – for me, as a husband, to think or otherwise believe that I know what’s best for my bisexual wife and the best thing for her to do is to forget this “gay shit” and do her duty as prescribed by the very ancient rules.
Do I have the right to keep her down? Am I really a lying asshole for telling her that I’ve accepted everything about her… but I can’t accept this bisexual thing about her? When they say “for better or for worse,” um, whose idea of this takes precedence – mine or hers? – and would I be wrong in assuming that what I might think is “better” for her is, in actuality, “worse” for her. What kind of man am I that I would sit back and summarily ignore the suffering she’s going through because she’s trapped in her version of a heterosexual hell… and am I right in condemning her to suffer and languish in this hell I’ve created for her?
There are those who would say that this is also just and right and the way it has to be… and y’all know that I don’t necessarily agree with this because our relationship, our marriage, isn’t really going to be worth a plugged nickel as long as she has to suffer and struggle with this conflict between duty and obligation to the relationship and the duty and obligation she has to herself to be the best person she can possibly be. It makes me question where my duty as a husband lies: To the rules and institution of marriage or to the woman I’ve commitment myself to and one I’ve told that I love her with all my heart and soul… and there are those who would say that the commitment to the institution of marriage and its applicable rules greatly trump anything that looks like being committed to the woman I supposedly love… and that this is just and right and the way it’s always been and always should be, without question, without recourse, and all complaints have to be summarily ignored and with severe penalties for disobedience to the edict.
The struggle in this is constant, brutal and bitter for bisexuals in a relationship and, again, for bisexual wives in particular. These women, gods, I feel so badly for a lot of them because they’re trapped and suppressed; I’ve seen where there struggles has made being married a living nightmare and maybe it’s just me but as a husband – hell, as a man period – I just think there’s something seriously wrong with this. Maybe such a woman wouldn’t want to get naked with some buxom babe and get her groove on… but don’t I have an obligation to her to see to it that she can express herself in this, even if it’s only letting me know what she’s thinking and how she’s feeling? Don’t I have to “sacrifice” my own thoughts about bisexuality – and assuming that I had negative thoughts about it – so that she can be happier? I think I do and even though the rules are what they are, they have always been open to interpretation (and if you think they aren’t, guess again), I might have to think about what’s in my “best interests” but I shouldn’t ignore or otherwise denigrate what might be in her best interests when it comes to this because without her, my marriage to her means nothing and is nothing; it has no real meaning other than, well, we’re married.
If being more open-minded and, really, giving a flying fuck about the woman I’m married to is going to interrupt the constant struggle she’s going through with her sexuality and having it suppressed, hell, I should be man enough, husband enough, and love her enough to do whatever I can do to not let her keep struggling with this. I’ll end this with a question: Which is more important, the love I have for her and my need for her to be happy… or strict adherence to a set of rules that only serve to make her miserable, make her emotionally repressed, and feeling incomplete as a person?
I know my answer to this question – what is your answer? And, while you contemplate this – and I hope you do – here’s another question: What purpose does it serve to make her (or allow her to) feel less than she wants and needs to be – and does it make sense?
KDaddy23, Contributing Author