Since my “arrival” here – and I’m so very honored to be a contributor here – I know I’ve had some pretty dire warnings to pass along about being a bi wife and the perils of being married to one. I don’t mean to be a harbinger of doom or come across as sounding negative but if I’m gonna be real about what I write here, I’m gonna tell you both the good and the bad of this situation because when it comes to this relationship situation, there can be no such thing as too much information.
A little while ago, I commented on something Jay Dee shared with us and even as I wrote my comment, I found myself shaking my head a lot because while I know for a fact that expanding your relationship to include a girlfriend that can be shared can work, yeah, I’m the guy who’s been there and done that and the one who will tell you, without a lot of sugar-coating, that if you’re not grown up enough to handle this expansion, don’t even try to do it and maybe you should shelve any thoughts you might have had along these lines.
Even when you’re being totally monogamous, it’s hard to share your partner with others – and I’m not talking sexually. Things like sharing them with a job, their friends, family, etc., can be interesting and even problematic because, I dunno, I guess we tend to forget that before they met us, they did have a life just like we did and some of us tend to forget that just because they now have a life with us, that doesn’t mean that their life as an individual came to an end. So when contemplating opening things up so that you, as the bisexual woman, can literally and truly have the best of both worlds – and you’ve included your husband into this dynamic – you really and seriously need to sit yourself down and do some really intensive thinking and soul-searching to suss out whether or not you can really deal with this because, sorry ladies, men aren’t the only ones who aren’t too keen about sharing their partner with someone else. If you can do this, then you’d better have a plan, a near-complete blueprint of how this expansion is going to work, what it’s going to look like, and other important factors and then have it firmly in mind before you go to your husband and ask, “Honey, can I talk to you about something?”
In my comment to Jay Dee, I talked about being aware of the consequences of your actions and this is also an important thing for any husband who is faced with this has to be aware of as well. I know that a lot of people who have tried this have put a whole slew of rules and regulations in place in order to effect loss prevention because while they are fairly sure they want to do this, they don’t want a whole lot of stuff to happen that will jeopardize what is now their core relationship… but they’ve wound up putting so many rules in place that they actually wind up defeating the purpose of expanding their relationship and, ultimately fail in the worst ways imaginable. To this end, I’m not saying to attempt this without any rules – that would be inherently stupid and totally irresponsible – but there should be enough space in there for the expanded relationship to run its course naturally.
I know women who have told their man that, in this, they cannot feel anything but lust for the new girlfriend… and that’s crazy to expect him to not have the same kind of emotional/physical relationship that you wanted with her; invoking this double standard just isn’t going to work. Yes, he should be totally committed to the core relationship… but to tell him that he can’t be human and feel something other than lust for the new girl just doesn’t make sense… even if you think it does or should. As Jay Dee wrote, I know women who have wanted to do this and it’s been planned for him to have sex with the new girl… but the idea of hubby laying the pipe to the new girl just kinda rubs them the wrong way even when they’re not actually watching him at work in this (seriously not easy to do for husband or wife). I am here today to tell you that while this is a “natural” reaction, it’s one you are gonna have to get rid of because if you can’t or don’t, you’re gonna set yourself up to fail in this. If you’ve asked him to be okay with the fact that you’re doing the deed with someone other than him – and he is okay with it – how can you do anything less than what you’ve asked him to do?
Hmm? I’ll give you a moment to think about this one…
I know of a couple who attempted this and put in the “no pregnancy” rule which, on the surface, is sensible and all precautions should be taken unless, of course, y’all ain’t gonna mind being in a really interesting parental situation. But, straight up, the best birth control is not having sex at all but, ah, that seriously defeats the purpose of this arrangement, right? Well, these folks didn’t take into consideration that condoms break and can leak; feminine birth control methods have been known to fail even though they’re supposed to be 99.99% effective… which ain’t 100%. So, yeah, the condom broke, the girlfriend got pregnant, and the wife went ballistic… and that trip wasn’t even necessary because had she allowed room for – excuse me, Jay Dee – shit to happen, they would have been prepared to deal with this. She told me, “That shit wasn’t supposed to happen!” and it’s just insane to think that nature – and Murphy’s Law – gives a damn about what you think isn’t supposed to happen. Of course, she blamed him – then blamed her girlfriend… then accused both of them of conspiring against her in this.
Sound nuts? It should…
Here’s a fact and one we probably never really think about: At some point and for many reasons, all relationships come to an end – nothing is forever. A lot of women want to do this expansion thing but their fear of loss is powerfully present; the mere thought of losing him to her girlfriend is some scary shit – hell, the thought of losing him period is damned scary, right? But you have to know that if you are aware that, yeah, you can be monogamous and still lose him, by adding your girlfriend to the mix, you just increased the possibility by wanting to do this and getting him to buy into it. Keep in mind that he’s accepting the same risk that can have you worried; it is not outside the realm of possibility that he could lose you to her and, yeah, he’s got some fears about that. So when you’re tossing this expansion thing around in your head, accept that loss is possible and can occur despite the best-laid plans… but you also have to trust in the strength of your love for each other, your commitment to each other and your core relationship… and if you can’t envision this, please do not proceed.
None of this is easy to do – and that’s putting it mildly. You have to be what I call “really grown up;” you have to be smart enough and willing enough to unlearn EVERYTHING you’ve learned about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do this. You have to have a plan and one that covers even the stuff that ya might not even think could happen – you almost have to be able to look into a future you cannot see – and then leave plenty of room in those plans for things to get… screwy, for lack of a better word.
Morality, as you currently understand it, will be rewritten and take on a whole new meaning. I found that some aspects of being monogamous actually worked being poly… but not all of them and if you bring the current moral thinking about monogamy into this along with all the rules of monogamy, you’re probably gonna fail miserably: Opening your relationship will change everything you’ve ever believed in; you are, again and again, giving up one dynamic in favor of a very different one…
You have to master your emotions; things like jealousy, possessiveness, selfishness, etc., don’t have any place in this kind of relationship. This thing, ladies (and guys, too), is not for the weak-minded or faint of heart and, above all else, you must be fearless as you venture into the unknown – and this doesn’t even cover having to deal with how others are gonna look at you when they find out – or figure out – what’s going on and, yes, you cannot hide this forever. You can’t just think about what you want; you can’t put a ton of conditions in place that, in essence, favors you but drops a load of restrictions and other inhibitions on him because if you include him in this, this is still an us thing and not a me thing. You’re not just sharing a girlfriend – you are sharing the experience with each other as well. And if love happens all the way around, well, what did you think was gonna happen? And if you think it shouldn’t, I beg you to wake up and smell the coffee because such thinking is unrealistic.
Being married and monogamous, as we know and have learned, requires some intense skill sets, like communication as well as problem and conflict resolution and management skills… and I’m here to tell you that if you don’t have impeccable skills before venturing off into this, you’d damn well better learn them because you will need some very advanced versions of these things if/when you open your relationship. You don’t learn these things and effectively apply them, you will fail – guaranteed.
Opening your relationship is doable; it can be deliciously successful for everyone involved and can last for many years if you can do it the way it needs to be done. Mine lasted for decades, ladies and gentlemen but, yeah, like I said, nothing is forever. People who knew that I essentially had three wives thought I had lost my mind – and maybe I did – but despite how awfully hard it is to be in this kind of relationship, I’d gladly do it again if I could because at the end of the day, there’s no such thing as having too much love heaped on you and no such thing as too much happiness.
This isn’t just theory: This is what I learned so I’m giving it to you straight and, um, as cleanly as possible.
KDaddy23, Contributing Author