Inspired by an Email & My Own Reality

My husband and I haven’t been with a woman together in a long time.
We were in a triad previously that lasted way too long and ended not too well.  Before that I had a girlfriend we’d have threesomes with every now and then.
I’m incessantly & intensely craving a relationship with another woman.
This time around I don’t want her to be a mutual girlfriend but he likes it that way. It’s hard enough finding a woman that will deal with a married woman let alone a woman who’ll deal with a married woman AND her husband, i.e ‘The Unicorn’.
Just the thought of him enjoying the idea of having a relationship with another woman sometimes causes me to be distant for a multitude of feminine psychological reasons. We talk about it and sometimes that helps, other times it fuels the fire inside my already screaming bisexual mind.
We are kind of in limbo because I don’t just want sex. I can tolerate him having sex with another woman to a certain degree still.
I think.
I want to find my female other half if she’s out there. I don’t want to share his heart with another woman. He is admittedly capable of falling in love with another woman and with that I can’t deal. The triad situation is off the table from my perspective at this point.
What’s good for the goose…right?
It was once our dream to find our perfect wife, who we’d love equally who could love us both. That didn’t work out, I’ve had him to myself and I love his love. His love is so deep, so passionate, so pure. I don’t want to share that with anyone anymore. I am blessed and I don’t want to risk loosing that blessing.
We love threesomes. I don’t want just sex though. His perspective is throwing my sexuality off because not to mention now I’m insecure as hell that he could fall in love with someone we have sex with where I once wasn’t!
I don’t want to risk loosing him to another woman just because I wanted to have things my way you know? He’s too precious to me to loose to someone else. Then again if he could leave me for someone else while we’re married was he really mine, was he really ‘The One’?
See how the freight train of worry can so quickly begin in our own minds?
I usually just stop the madness inside of my own head, bring my thoughts to him and we  talk it out, over and over again until a resolution is reached. We don’t leave things in the air too long but we give each other time. 
Being married involves knowing things have a way of working themselves out over time with the person you love. If my husband and I keep talking about it from time to time and giving ourselves time for us to both think and really ponder this newest revelation of feelings we’ll figure it out.
We always do.
Sure things can get tense, perceptions and emotions can be misunderstood, misinterpreted and even just plain old taken the wrong way. Sometimes things can be said the wrong way. Sometimes our spouse just doesn’t like what we have to say.
Understanding is the ultimate goal and that can only be done through communication-as much as my husband sometimes hates it, lol.
He’s not a big talker, I am. Surprised? 😉
No matter the situation we’re still married and we have to consider all that entails first and foremost. 
That’s what we vowed to do 🙂
-Jay Dee, Founder
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6 thoughts on “Inspired by an Email & My Own Reality

  1. I’m a bi wife too. I’d love to explore sexually with women. Sounds great. Being married means dealing with a male kid who wants it too. I hate guilt. Hearing about how unfair it is for me to want something this important and significant without including his selfish ass.

  2. You know, Jay Dee, poly triads are a nice thing to get into… if you are prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions and I’ve found that a lot of people who try to do this don’t have the best experience because of that lack of preparation. No offense to you – or any other woman trying this or thinking about it – but it’s a bit far-fetched to engage in such a relationship and then think, believe, or attempt to inhibit love from happening.

    No, we don’t wanna lose our partners to someone else yet, by engaging in a triad, you’re doing just that. Yes, as the husbands in this, we must always remember who we’re committed to, that this triad thing we’re doing is about us as a couple as well as taking care of an individual need. But the potential for the loss we all dread is ALWAYS there, whether you stay monogamous or not. I’m not saying to anyone (or to you, Jay Dee) that if you do this, you’re gonna lose your partner… but I am saying that a couple SHOULD ALWAYS keep it in their minds that it could happen.

    I remember talking to my [then] wife about this when she decided that we should be a triad because while I was pretty sure that I could handle it, I also knew that women can be damned funny about sharing, just as I was sure that my wife didn’t fully think this out in the beginning. I guess the good thing is that she didn’t tell me that I couldn’t fall in love with the third member of our crew (and I did and I never regretted it) but even though I did, I never loss sight of what my duty was. I knew I was running the risk of losing her to our third and even to some other woman – but it was a risk I was willing to accept and more so when I knew that no matter what I could do to prevent such a loss, it could still happen.

    I read what you wrote and found myself on the verge of laughing a little because so many women who try this have told me some of the same sentiments you wrote here, like barely being able to tolerate her husband having sex with another woman. What I found interesting is that a lot of these women never seemed to “graduate” from “barely tolerating” to accepting that this is the deal you pretty much conscripted him into and that the sex is just as much a given for him as it would be for you (not talking about you specifically). My ex had this sentiment and I asked her, “If it bothers you, why the hell did you want this to happen?”

    Her answer? “I thought I could handle it…” and that, friends, is the wrong answer. Whether she really learned to handle it or not is something unknown to me but I guess she eventually did considering the many years the triad – then the quartet – continued to roll on. Even when we added our fourth, I had to “review” the pros and cons and made myself aware that, hell, we just added another loss potential… damn. So you wind up learning to hope for the best but to expect the worst because this, my friend, is an occupational hazard of being in any kind of relationship and if a woman isn’t fully prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions in this, then it’s probably not a good idea that such a relationship should happen at all because when it goes bad, it becomes epic.

    Being bi and poly can and does work – make no mistake about that. But it takes a total investment and that includes accepting the risks that are built into this arrangement. You always take care to minimize the potential risks and, if you’re lucky, the problems that show up aren’t of the “end of the world” variety. You don’t want things to be sex-only and I get that and finding someone you both can love and share does, in fact, make sense… but the risks remain constant, the potential for loss is always there. In this – and as I learned – there is no middle ground: You either accept the risks and handle your business as best you can or you don’t accept them and make yourself miserable in the process because now you can’t get what you want and need.

    See, this is why I tell people who want to do this that they have to be fearless…

    1. We actually do want things to be sex only with another female. For now. When we’re ready to consider another wife again we probably will. If we’re ever ready. In the early years I was more open minded. As time goes on my emotions have taken over my rational thinking when it comes to him sometimes and poly just isn’t it for me right now.
      He’s not insistent, it’s hard being a husband to a woman with a larger than life lifestyle and personality. Another wife would drive him batty right now with all we have on our table. lmao.
      Sex is just physical gratification and that’s cool. Doesn’t really trip me out. Last time it was awesome. Next time it may bother me. Sometimes the thought of our ‘next’ time bothers me although our last time was a normal good ole time.
      I still haven’t figured out why I feel this way. I think maybe I love him more now than I did before. Like maybe my love’s grown over the years to get to this point within my heart. We considered poly our first year in a relationship with each other (I met him with a girlfriend) and continued into our second year with our search (when she didn’t work out), then quit when it became too much.
      Now 2 years outside of that poly quest, a year after our mutual girlfriend (she was NOT second wife material in the least, to either of us and she knew this), I’m just not into it anymore.
      We are all humans with fluctuating emotions and people change over time. At present I can’t imagine him falling in love with someone else and sharing that with them. Before that would have been perfect. Us loving someone else, her loving us.
      For now, I’m good.
      I love his love and that’s why I married him. To take him “off the market” and claim him as my own. For that reason I restrain myself from involving others in our relationship.
      He ABSOLUTELY can sleep with anyone he wants to (it may sting a bit, ‘may’ being the key word). That’s his choice. I am not him, I am his wife. I’d rather discuss it, allow it and brace myself than to have him sneak and cheat from some intense burning desire he felt he had to keep secret. I’d probably divorce him in a heartbeat for something like that. Married to a chick like me there’s never a need to sneak and creep.
      Hell, I’d probably sit by and watch if I wasn’t into her for myself, that turns me on…so far. Sex is just sex.
      Love and sharing our lives, our marriage, that’s a whole ‘nother animal.
      My fear is not unreasonable, neither is anyone else’s in this situation.
      My sexuality is not based on his desires.
      It’s a part of me like my skin color or the shape of my eyes.
      Either he can love and accept my sexuality for what it is…or not.
      He can accept me sleeping with other women or not. That’s his choice. I would decide which way I want to go with our relationship from there. I have options, so does he 🙂
      Eventually I may bed another woman but maybe not…maybe not. I doubt the ‘maybe not’ but maybe not…
      I’d like to hope either way it won’t matter to him because he loves me and I’m enough for him without another woman in our lives.
      🙂 That’s all. I think no person is fearless when it comes to love.
      I think some people can deal with poly, some can’t. Some can and then can’t, some can’t then can, lol.
      -Jay Dee, Founder

      1. You know you’re preaching to the choir, right? Yep, your sexuality isn’t ever based on his desires… but your writing prompted my comment because, hell, I’ve never been able to figure out why women in this particular situation behave in such a way: You’re cool with it all but not so cool about it all at the same time.

        And, yes, I very much appreciate your reply to my comment and I think it can be very helpful to other bi wives and their hubbies who might be experiencing such feelings themselves. I watched my wife waffling all over the place like this and she was never really able to explain to me why this was going on, which was of great interest to me since she’s the one who wanted us to be poly and based on her desires at that. And I was able to foresee that she would waffle and be wishy-washy about it and, yeah, I hoped that she wouldn’t do this and, initially, she said that she wouldn’t go there… which didn’t stop her from pretty much doing what I knew she’d do down the road.

        Now I feel another writing coming on…

      2. lol, ur hilarious. you sound like my husband. I tell you this much, I’ve had 2 long term MMF straight poly relationships. Yea, how ’bout them apples? I told my husband since FFM poly is cool let’s try MMF poly (being a smart ass, not serious). I’m just sayin…now it was his turn to have insane emotions…and that was just at the suggestion! Ha. That gave him clear understanding of how crazy the thought can make one feel 😀
        -Jay Dee

      3. Well, I’m a husband and certainly no stranger to the dynamics involved with a bisexual wife. Mine asked me once how I would have reacted to MMF poly and I told her, “The same way I reacted to the way we’re doing it now…” because it just makes sense to me not to let any negative emotions get in the way of things and I think she had forgotten that I had long since gotten over the very bad feelings of seeing her with another man and having fun with him.

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