Coming Out to Him

Yeah, kinda of a hot-button topic, huh?  Before I begin this controversial discussion, I wanna get it right up front that what I’m about to say is borne out of what I’ve learned over the years about coming out because I’m also bisexual and what I’ve seen (and have heard of) from bisexual women about coming out so, yeah, your experiences may vary… so don’t shoot the messenger.

Should you come out to your spouse/partner?  Despite the stuff flying around the Internet these days, I don’t think the answer is an unqualified yes nor do I believe that coming out should be a dyed-in-the-wool requirement.  Yes, ladies, there’s that whole being real and honest thing going on and not telling him that you’re bisexual could be seen as a lie of omission but if you can’t tell him, don’t.  See, the people who are insisting that bisexuals come out in the first place are either out or, um, they’re not bisexual (or gay in any way) so to them, coming out seems like an easy thing to do and I am here to tell you today that it can be harder than you can imagine – and that depends on the guy you’re with.

It’s said that men just love and accept bisexual women and, like so many of these things, this ain’t the whole truth; some men have issues with anything that appears to be homosexual so in their mind, having a woman who likes women at his side is about as wrong as it can get and on many levels so if you have reason to know or otherwise believe that your man might be a covert or overt homophobe and to any degree, um, I wouldn’t mention it to him unless an emotional ass-kicking is something you enjoy.

For the moment, forget about coming out to anyone else because if you can’t come out to your man and he’s going to accept this without giving you a ton of grief about it, it’s better you keep your pretty mouth shut about it.  I have personally seen this go very bad for the bisexual woman and, at least in my opinion, an indication that the truth, such as it is, isn’t as liberating as it’s supposed to be and simply because there are some men who cannot and will not handle the truth nicely.  I’ve seen women get kicked to the curb – literally and figuratively – because they came out; they assumed that just because telling him the truth was (a) the right thing to do and that (b) he was just gonna accept this thing about her because he loved her and, well, I’m the guy who will tell you that if you assume this, you might be making a grave mistake and one that you will regret doing.

I tell bi guys all the time that coming out is on a need-to-know basis so if someone doesn’t need to know, well, that’s just the way it goes and more so if telling him is going to destroy your relationship with him and, yes, bring a lot of emotional and physical trauma to you.  I’ve had some folks come back and tell me that I’m wrong, that coming out is absolutely, positively, the only and right thing to do… but I’ve seen it go right and wrong and, again, I don’t have a problem telling you this.  Even you, dear reader, may not agree with my assessment of this and that’s okay… but you can’t  say that you didn’t know because I’m telling you.

Yes, my wife didn’t have a problem coming out to me – well, yeah, she did, actually and what I should have said is I don’t know why she thought it was a problem to tell me the truth of what I had already suspected and more so since she knew I was bisexual.  I’m not saying that a straight partner couldn’t accept your coming out because that does happen and without any drama at all.  I’m telling you that in all the years I’ve observed stuff in this, this is not the norm – it’s the exception and, really, I don’t care what today’s pundits are saying about the joys of coming out because you can do it and simply because it’ll have a positive impact on you… but you could find yourself all by yourself because the man you’re married to just isn’t going to stand to be married to a woman who isn’t as straight as he thought she was… or thinks she should be.  Or, as I’ve seen first-hand, you could get your ass kicked; all that domestic violence demographic stuff you might have been reading about involving bisexuals isn’t always about what a bisexual has been doing – and usually behind the back of the unsuspecting spouse – it’s also about coming out to someone who doesn’t believe in anything other than being straight.

Look for the signs that’ll tell you whether or not it’s gonna be safe for you to tell him.  You can probe him – and gently – with questions on how he feels about the topic of sexuality; if you’ve ever heard him fussing about “faggots” and “dike bitches” and that, perhaps, they should all burn in hell or other things along these lines, keep your mouth shut about your sexuality!  Just because you might know your guy, say, likes watching porn and the girl-on-girl stuff that can be seen doesn’t mean that he’d be okay with you having a girl-on-girl thing in your mind – think of it as “Not in my backyard” if it helps.  It’s okay for “Brenda” and “Gail” to be getting it on… but his wife had better not even think about doing some shit like that!

This, ladies, isn’t just an opinion of mine:  I’ve seen this go very wrong too many times.  I’ve had conversations with more men than I care to think of and have heard them say some pretty scary stuff about what they’d do if they found out – and excuse me, Jay Dee – that their woman was into pussy.  Why?  Because in their minds, she’s only supposed to be into dick and his dick only – sorry again, Jay Dee, but there’s no nice way to say this and, well, I just don’t do PC all that well when it comes to these things.

I want you all to know that I do understand that… urge to come out although I really don’t pretend to understand why this urge exists other than maybe your inner joy at being this much more sexually liberated is just something that has to be shared, if that makes sense – it sounds better in my head, believe me.  I think a lot of it can be due to the deep bonds one establishes with their mate and this need to share everything about themselves with their partner.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel the urge/need to come out to him – I’m just saying that before you do, you’d better make sure you can come out to him and with as little backlash as possible.  I’m not saying that it’s not okay for you to think that he’s gonna be cool with knowing this about you – I am saying that he might not be so, no, please do not assume that he’s gonna be okay with it:  Hope for the best, expect the worse.

I can tell you that telling him you like men and women just might devolve into a conversation – a raging fit, actually – about his feelings; I’ve seen these things get turned around so that your sexuality isn’t about you – it’s all about him and just how damned unfair it is for you to be the way you are.  Some men are as stupid as women say we are and when we have a negative emotional reaction to something, ah, man, not only can we go overboard and get all extreme about it, it just doesn’t help our reputation as men.  I’ve seen a bi wife come out to her husband, a man who is quite intelligent and level-headed… and have seen him just totally lose his mind and, yes, if you’re wondering, I’ve seen women react just as badly to find out her man is bisexual and now she’s horribly offended.

Because I know that this can and has gone very badly for bisexual women (and men), if they’re adamant about coming out, I highly suggest, recommend, advise – whatever – that they think first… then act if they must.  I understand bisexuality to the point where I  know for a cold, hard fact that just dealing with the fact that you’re bisexual or might be can be one hell of a thing to deal with for yourself.  And if you happen to know how hard it was for you to accept your sexuality, all you have to think about is how hard it might be for the guy who says he loves you to accept it.  You could be one of the lucky ladies and be hooked up with a guy who will say, after you reveal yourself in this, “Oh, okay – that’s cool, babe!” – but on the real, he might not be “that guy” and I just think you need to know this.

I’ve seen guys get so greatly offended by this revelation that violence has ensued; I’ve seen verbal abuse come out of a husband’s mouth and so bad that, as a man, I’ve been ashamed to hear such things being uttered.  I’ve seen women get their self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image get utterly and completely FUBARed, causing irreparable emotional damage and I’ve learned from witnessing this for myself that no woman should ever have to set themselves up for this kind of abuse.

If you know you can come out to him, then fine – handle your business.  But if you have even the slightest doubt about it, please, don’t do it until you are sure it can be done.  You can lose everything, a really big deal if you’ve invested a large part of your life in being with him (and especially if you have children together) so while everything that you are is telling you to let him know, you really and seriously need to ask yourself if it’s gonna be worth it to do so… because it might not be.  Oh, and it’s really not enough for you to tell him that you’re bisexual – you’d better be ready to explain this to him in detail and maybe even be ready to confess to any time you, ah, might have been practicing the arts of Sappho – that might be, uh, safer, than allowing him to assume some things that might not be true because, again, dear ladies, we can be more stupid than you think; we can, have, and will assume that you’ve been getting some from women not just before we met but even while our relationship has been in existence and, you bet your cute asses, you’ll bear  the brunt of this accusation even if you’ve never had the sex.  We can, have, and will assume, now that you’ve told us this, that you will now want to go out and jump some female bones… even if you have zero plans to do anything like that because you vowed to be faithful to him.

I’ve seen bi women/wives tell their man about this and the dude has automatically assumed that she’s a lesbian and other really stupid shit (sorry, Jay Dee); I’ve seen them go off the deep end to learn that, no, girlfriend isn’t reliant on him for all of her emotional and/or physical succor – to him, she just told him that he’s never been enough for her… and that, ladies, never goes over well for most husbands (unless he knows for a fact that he really isn’t).

Does it make sense to take such a risk?  Yes, I get that wives feel – well, some of them do – that there should be no secrets between husband and wife, that the truth is always good and right and that everything will be okay when the truth comes out because love will make it okay… and I’m being the cold slap in your face by telling you that if this is what you think, you’re gonna be in for a big surprise if you tell an unaccepting man that you also like women.  No! – I’m not saying that if he asks you if you like women that you should lie to him but, in this, I don’t believe in that “lying by omission” thing that gets a lot of us in trouble because if you have good reason not to tell someone about this – and you don’t tell them – it’s not a lie and more so if by telling them you just might wreck your life with him or otherwise get jacked up.

I leave it up to y’all to decide whether coming out to your husband/man is the best thing for you to do because, obviously, you know your own situations better than I ever could – I’m just sharing something I know about this coming out thing and, yes, ladies, I’ve been on the wrong side of this more times than I care to remember so, yeah, I kinda/sorta know what I’m talking about.  I learned the hard way about coming out to women who couldn’t deal with my being bisexual and while they couldn’t physically abuse me, man, the verbal abuse I got was horrible… so I learned that if I see that I can’t tell a woman that I’m bi, I’m not ever gonna tell her because you just do not ever give someone a stick to beat you with.

Ever.

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

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5 thoughts on “Coming Out to Him

  1. When I told my husband, his response was, “I thought it was just a phase.” When I told the online guy, his response was, “No, you aren’t”. My husband is trying to understand, but I’m not sure he quite gets it yet. The other guy is threatened by it. Like it someone reflects on his sexuality.

      1. In the comments or as a post? I’m gone over them in my blog before. I told David that 46 years wasn’t a phase. It wasn’t going to go away. I’d rather not think of the other one, because his attitude ticks me off.

      2. With my husband, I blurted out that I was bisexual in the middle of an argument about something else. He said he thought it was a phase. I said 46 years wasn’t a phase. Since then, I’ve brought up the subject of a girlfriend a few times. The first few times, he didn’t respond. A few months ago, he flat out said, No. He wasn’t going to share me. Then a few nights ago after another argument, he gave me conditional permission concerning a female.

        The online guy I was emotionally involved with said that I wasn’t bi. I couldn’t be bi unless I’d had sex with a female. Recently he called me a fake gay, and said I was insulting real gays who died because of it. He said I only mention it for attention, and because I need my life validated by social media. I truly believe that his masculinity is somehow threatened by my attraction to women. He absolutely blew up one time when I mentioned a lesbian flirting with me.

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