You Wanna Know Why?

As a bisexual man, I’ve been more than curious about being bisexual, not only as it applies to myself but as it does to others; I’ve never been shy about asking questions of other bisexuals and especially women since they have this aura of mystique surrounding them and have even been labeled – and in a very favorable fashion – after the most beautiful of mythical and magical beasts, the unicorn.  Of course, they say unicorns never really existed which is saying that bisexual women don’t really exist… but I know they do despite all the biphobia stuff going around that has a lot of bisexuals upset.

While I’ve read a lot of stuff written about bisexuals here on WordPress – and quite a bit written by women who are struggling with their sexuality and more so because of biphobia, the one thing I’ve noticed is that I haven’t seen a whole lot about why women are bisexual; maybe “they” don’t think this is important or maybe they just assume, and incorrectly so, that women are kinda bisexual by default or, stupidly so, take the stand that bisexual women are really lesbians who are in denial and even setting man-traps by faking the funk.

By the way, this is something that bi guys have in common with bi women, all this misconception and stereotyping without bothering to (a) seek the truth and (b) not giving one second of thought as to why women would embrace bisexuality.  Ah, but I’ve given it some thought and I’ve asked bi women the questions not many men would even try to ask – and at the risk of angering them, I might add – but as Kirk Franklin said in one of his songs, “If you don’t know, you’d better ask somebody!”

I will say that I don’t get all into the discussion about gender that seems to be a big-deal issue with some bisexuals; I don’t nitpick bisexuality because all it serves to do is make bisexuality more complicated than it has to be; you are either bisexual or you aren’t and how you’re bisexual is important… but it’s really all about the why of it all, isn’t it?  So when I’ve asked and, you betcha, I had some really serious in-depth conversations about why with the three women I spent a good part of my life with, I learned that strangely, women are bisexual for a lot of the same reasons why men are bisexual:  By “design,” for  a purpose, or by ‘accident’.  When I say “by design” it means that there’s that natural attraction felt, emotional or physical; when I say “by accident” it means that yes, stuff does happen out of the clear blue sky; when I say “for a purpose” it means a few things, like experimentation – women can be just as curious about bisexuality as men can be – because they have a need (emotional or physical) that cannot be fulfilled by men, or even as a means to find some relationship happiness because, yeah, trying to find this with a guy tends to shatter a lot of their dreams or, yes, they are bisexual simply because it’s a great way to have sex.

Confused?  Welcome to the club!  I know that when I think about why women are bisexual, it can give me a headache sometimes.  I’ve been of a mind that because women are so emotional and so maddeningly complex because their emotions are so fluid, it’s not as easy to nail down the why of female bisexuality… but I also think that it’s because of this amazing ability to be so emotionally fluid that can allow a woman to be bisexual and deal with it better than a man could.  Yes, I know a lot of women who’ve told me that they would never, ever turn to a woman for sex or some kind of intimacy that doesn’t have anything to do with sex; for them, it’s men only and they firmly believe this… but I’ve also heard them say that there must be more than just dealing with men and with men who tend to prove, over time, that they’re incapable of dealing with a woman’s emotional needs and even not all of their physical needs.

I learned that some women are bisexual because they have problems with their self-esteem; they’re seen as not being good enough in some way – not pretty enough, not sexually liberated enough, and a few other things that aren’t’ just good things to lay on a woman’s mind so while they know that a man can play an important role in their lives, having that attraction to women just makes sense – there is a reason why they say only a woman knows what another woman needs.  Women tend to be more sexually repressed than men are and not without reason and I’ve been told by bisexual women that exploring bisexuality helped them to end their repression.

When it comes to sexual satisfaction, I’ve had women tell me that, without a doubt, men are good for this… but not as good as they’d prefer.  I’ve been told that we lack the ability to be intimate and in ways that have nothing to do with sex; some of us are good at making love to their bodies but when they need to have their emotions made love to, nope, sorry guys, but ya ain’t that good.  And, yes, I’ve been told that very few of us come close to being able to provide foreplay and, um, oral pleasure (since I gotta keep this as clean as possible), turning to another woman for this, again, just makes sense.  One woman told me, “When you’ve tried everything else, getting with a woman is better than being celibate and depressed…”

And, yes, I’ve had women tell me that they’re bisexual just because they can be and even because they “have” to be.  I’ve been told that they find a kind of freedom in their bisexuality that cannot be found by toeing the line and letting some dude try to handle all of their needs; I’ve had women who have said that  they tried it and found they really liked it and more so when they thought that liking it wasn’t even possible… but that’s because they’re told, just like men are, that it’s not supposed to be likable.

I don’t know about other guys but I find it hard to deal with a bisexual woman without knowing or trying to understand why they’re bisexual.  I think a lot of men fail with bisexual women because they either can’t understand why or, stupidly, I think, don’t think that why is all that important.  Indeed, sometimes, it is our propensity to be so totally clueless and insensitive that will drive a woman into the arms and, yes, bed, of another woman and simply because that other woman will understand what her deeper needs are and has the ability to handle them better than any man could ever hope to do.

Why are women bisexual?  Because they can be; because they want and/or need to; because it just simply makes sense to them and gives them that sense of personal fulfillment that just sticking to men cannot provide.  Sure, when it comes to acting on their bisexuality, women have just as difficult a time as men do trying to find someone they can be with  like this and, yes, a lot of bisexual women are in a relationship with a man and, given their “mandate” to be faithfully monogamous, they find that their hands are tied and as much as they’d like to do something about the way they feel, they “aren’t allowed to” because of the rules of monogamy and, sadly, they’re with a guy who just doesn’t get it and because of his own selfishness (or sheer ignorance and ego) doesn’t see the sense in allowing her to reach her potential as a woman and as a person.

We pay so much attention to what’s done and  how it’s done; we – society – are trying to make all bisexuals come out and/or choose a side, make them out as whore, sluts, and yes, even closet lesbians and all because no one wants to understand why a woman is bisexual.  Biphobia, this really asinine cultural behavior, wants us to believe all of the stereotypes assigned to bisexual women rather than to seek the truth as to why a woman would want another woman; it lays a great deal of shame on some women by implying that if a woman is in a relationship with a man and is found to be bisexual, they’re automatically going to be objectified as the perfect reason to fulfill a man’s dream of having a FMF threesome.  But what a lot of us don’t understand is that if she does want that FMF threesome, it’s not always because her man wants it – it’s because she needs it and to hell with what her man wants; it’s sometimes a means to an end that a lot of us don’t even want to understand because we are so action-oriented:  What you think (or how you feel) isn’t as important as what you’re perceived to be doing.

So, to put this rather long writing to bed, bisexual women should, and in my opinion only, try to think about their sexuality and why they are the way they are but without allowing the perception of others to muddy their thinking; even if no one else knows or understands why you’re bisexual, you need to understand it – and then own it.  To the men out there who have a bisexual woman by his side, dude, get your head out of the gutter, put your fantasies aside, and do your damned level best to understand why your woman is bisexual (or why she’s thinking that she is) and then accept it and her for the person she really is.

To the bisexual women and the men who are with them, do not let your fears make you foolish and to the point where you think understand the why of it isn’t important… because it really is.  I understand that some of the women reading this probably won’t agree with my “assessments” or have their own idea about the why of it all and, if so, that’s a good thing because if you feel you have to correct me – and I want you to correct me – that gets us closer to the truth of the bisexual women, doesn’t it?

KDaddy23, Contributing Author

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5 thoughts on “You Wanna Know Why?

  1. I never thought about why either. I was born this way. My first boyfriend came around the same time as my first girlfriend. I was in Kindergarten when I was in my first triad. We lasted until Her mother found out about us and moved her away. We were about 6/7ish. I continued to love boys and girls equally throughout my ENTIRE life and couldn’t imagine life as a heterosexual. Although I screamed, cried and wished I was many, many, many, many days I could be heterosexual my desire for women never faded. No amount of prayer or abstinence worked either. I really was born this way. I guess that’s the answer to why…my genetics. My mother and her mother were also Bisexual…then both later on to Lesbian. My daughters and son are bisexual. It’s in our DNA. 🙂 -Jay Dee, Founder

  2. My question is “why not?” Why not be bisexual vs limit yourself to one type of partner?

    I’ve really never thought of why I am bisexual or what happened to me to make me this way. I just always have been. But I appreciate you raising this question and perhaps I should try and figure this out.

    1. I say, “Why not?” as well… but I know I am biased! Why think about it? Because sometimes saying, “I just am…” doesn’t explain it, not only for others but not for yourself. Maybe a woman doesn’t want anyone to know why… but she should know for herself.

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