I Married a Bisexual Woman

Wow, talk about an interesting relationship situation!  See, as a bisexual man, I’m all too aware of the “problems” bisexuality can bring to the table… but when you find out that the woman you married (or are otherwise involved with) is bisexual you think, at first, that this is a good thing and, please, don’t get me wrong because it is a good thing because it gives the both of you more in common than you originally thought.

But I learned that a bisexual woman kinda makes being a bi guy look easy.  Women are funny about sex to begin with and, as a man, you almost – almost – get used to their peculiar and different outlook toward sex until you find out that their being bisexual makes their odd behavior even more odd.

When I first met the woman who’d eventually become my wife, I began to see that there was something… different about her and as we talked about things sexual – as well as other things – I began to suspect that, hey, my girlfriend likes girls, too!  But every time I asked her about this, she categorically denied it even though she had related that she had had a couple of girl/girl experiences.  I didn’t believe her for one minute; I was 90% sure that she was bisexual and I guess the easiest way to explain why I knew is that it takes one to know one.

It wasn’t until after we were married that I got her to finally confess that, yes, she was very much into women and the reason why she never confessed to this before is that she was worried that I’d dump her.  I thought this was kinda insane because, duh, I’m bisexual and she knew I was so why would I get rid of her because she was like me?  Now, you’d think that after getting past this, things would be easier, right?

Nope – they got worse.  See, the problem with being married and bisexual is just as bad for women as it is for men because that whole “keep only unto yourself” thing is morally and legally binding.  You have these desires for someone who’s the same sex as you are but the rules say that you cannot do a damned thing about it; otherwise, you’re a cheater and the scum of the earth and more so if, in this situation, you do some same-sex cheating.

So we wound up changing the rules (but not because she wanted to be with women) and once we did, yeah, she was a happier camper whenever she could get herself a slice or two of tuna.  Her behavior in this seriously got me paying attention to the other women I was coming into contact with once we opened up our relationship… and I learned that there were a lot of bisexual women who behaved pretty much in the same way my wife did.  At first, they didn’t want to admit it… but then they would… but then they would say it wasn’t a big deal… but you knew that it was… and trying to convince them that it was okay for them to like women was like pulling teeth from a pissed off shark.

I used to think that bi guys had big-time issues dealing with their dual sexuality but being married to a bi woman just really takes the cake.  I knew that my duty as a husband was to encourage her to be the woman she wanted to be and if that included having a love for women, okay, I could easily get my head around that and, yes, being bisexual myself did make that easy.  She was okay with me being okay with her sexuality but, like most bisexuals, she was frustrated because trying to find someone to throw down with is just as difficult for women as it is for men.  And while she didn’t give up on being bisexual, she would behave just like the other bisexual women I’d really gotten to know:  Act as if it’s no big deal when it really was.

And women want to know why men think they’re insane? Now, this writing isn’t a condemnation of my now-ex-wife or any woman who is bisexual; I just know that a having a bisexual woman by your side can make you a little crazy.

I talk to my current wife about her being bisexual.  She’s not reluctant to talk about it, has no problem admitting and/or accepting that she’s bi… but to listen to the way she thinks about her sexuality, eh, it’s no big deal; despite having the desires, she feels there’s no need to do anything about them and, no, there’s no rule that says if you’re bisexual, you HAVE to do something about it.  If I’ve learned anything about bisexual women and, again, I’ve been involved with a few of them, the thing that makes the difference is their attitude about sex.  They’ve all had some sexual trauma in their lives (at the hands of men, sad to say) and this has played into their mindset/behavior.  Also at the hands of men, any time they might have expressed their desire to check out the other side of themselves, they’ve gotten their head handed to them.

Some have been afraid to sexually express themselves because they don’t want other people to think they’re lesbians; some are so “geared” toward having sex (or otherwise being intimate) with men that they’re willing to set aside their desires for women.  I had one wife who pretty much made herself nuts about this because while she was free and clear to explore her sexuality, she didn’t always take advantage of it and when she did, suffered rejection at times… but when she could get with a woman, she was very happy.  When we became a poly quartet, she was very much in love with the two women who were a part of us.  The two of them were adamant about being “strictly dickly” but, um, yeah, their bisexual side got exposed.  I got to pay very close attention to these two women and how they deal with having their bi side exposed… and just like my then-wife and my wife today, they were ambivalent about it.

And I don’t pretend to understand it.  It’s so very different from how I deal with being bisexual and it’s so very different from how I know other bisexual men deal with being bisexual.  At the end of the day, you tend to chalk this… discrepancy up to the difference between men and women when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  I understand having preferences, even in this… but being married to a bisexual woman will change one’s understanding about this.

It’s cool to have a bi-wife… but not so much at times…

-KDaddy23, Contributing Author

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